BE not dismaied (my good freends) that a deade man shoulde acquaint you with newes, for it is I, I per se I, Robert Greene, in Artibus Magister, he that was wont to soli­cite your mindes with many pleasant con­ciets, & to fit your fancies at y ^e least euery qnarter of the yere, with strange & quaint deuises, best beseeming the season, and most answerable to your pleasures. Hauing therfore so ma­ny times taken the true measure of your appetites, & finding the very height of your dispositions inclined to nouelties that you might the rather sée howe willing I am to satis-fie your humors, I haue sent you heere the whole discourse of my ad­uentures, what hath be [...]yde mee since I left the terrestiall worlde, with a very true report of my infernall trauailes. Strange per aduenture for you to vnderstand of, but for the truth of the matter, if you shall any where stand in doubt, doo but compare the place with that golden volume of Legenda Aurea, or with the workes of that famed wise man Syr Thomas More, in his Booke of Quoth I to your freend, and quoth your freend to me, in his discourse of Eutopia, & The suppli [...]ion of soules in Purgatory. If your conscience be yet scrupe [...], and that these authentike authorities will not fully satis-fie you: turne ouer then to the Remish Testament, and leauing the Chapters and wordes of the Euangelistes, looke into the notes inserted by that holy fraternitie of I [...] ­suites, and that blessed broode of Seminaries, and tel me then if you do not find matter seeming more incredible thē any by me here alleaged, and yet I dare boldly auouch it, (and that without blushing) if you consider duly of the circumstances, [Page] you shall finde no lesse cause to laugh at the one, then to be­leeue the other. Hauing thus prepared your mindes to re­ceiue the certaintie of my discourse, now likewise sette open your eares, and be attentiue to the rest, for thus it foloweth.

When pittiles Death had sommoned my soule to leaue his transitory estate, infusing his frosty humour through all the parts of my body, leauing my breathles corps a fitte pray for the sepulcher, my deceased ghost wandring now to and fro in many obscure & vnknown waies, desirous to find a place of rest, at the length lighted into a straight and narrow tract, so ouergrowne with bryers & brambles, that there was almost no passage left, and as it should séeme vnto me, did lead vnto some ruinated place, where all former trade & traffique was decayed, the solitarines wherof (me thought) was best befit­ting & answerable to my humor: so that with great difficulty scratching through the bushes, it brought me at the length to the foote of a mighty stéepe Hil, whose height I was not able to discerne, but by the vnpleasantnes of y ^• path, leading ouer monstrous Rocks craggy & ill fauoured to passe, I perceiued it to be the high way to Heauen. But should I tel you heere the toil [...] y ^• I had to climbe this Mountaine, with what labor I attained it, how many breathings I tooke by the way be­fore I could reach it, what folly I found in my selfe to vnder­take it, and should I discribe vnto you at large howe many inconueniences they finde that vndertakes thys passage to Heauen, peraduenture I might so discourage you, that a great number would neuer desire to come there at all, but thys I can assure you for your better c [...]mforts, he that hath a willing minde to vndertake thys trauaile, let hym bring with hym a pottle of that lyquour, which I was wont to drinke with my Hostesse, at the Redde lat [...]esse in Tormoyle streete, and hee shall finde it more auailable in the furthe­ring of hys iourney, then a whole poke full of the Popes pardons.

When I was gotten vp to the toppe of the Hill, after that I had a little panted for breath, looking forwarde ouer a fayre greene, (as my high way did direct mée) I myght [Page] perceiue (a little distant from mee) where two were fast to­gether by the eares: weapons they had none, more than their bare fistes, but with them they laide on such load, that I perceiued the one was loath to remayne in the others debt; and I somewhat mending my pace, when I was come vnto them, presently knew them both to be of mine olde acquain­taunce, the one Veluet breeches, the other Cloth breeches, betwéene whom I had (not long before) béene a stickler, and (as I supposed) had taken a quyet order betwéene them for ending of all controuersies. But they neuer the more vppon my ariuall forbare the one the other, but sometimes with downe-right blowes, enough to haue feld a Bullocke: some­time with bobbes at the lippes, able to haue dasht out theyr téeth: otherwhiles lugging one an other by the eares, as if they had committed some offence in listning too lightly after foolish spéeches: but Veluet breeches being in the French fashion, with a goodly locke hanging downe his left chéeke, wherin Cloth breeches had so snarled his fingers, that when I thrust in betwéene them to haue parted them, I could not pluck away his hand, tyll he had pluckt away hayre and all that he had holde on: but hauing once put them a sunder, I wild them as they were men to hold their hands, why (qd. I) doo you know what you doo, or doo you remember the place where you are? I am sure wee be not farre from Heauen gates, and if S. Peter should vnderstand of your abuse, I knowe he would commit you both to the Porters Lodge.

Veluet breeches, who was so farre out of breath that h [...]e was not able to speake, in the end, when he had a while well blustred and blowne, deliuered mee these words.

This base fellowe, whom I haue euer disdayned, and al­though in our late controuersie, by the inconsideration of a partiall Iurie, he preuayled against me, sentence being giuen on his side, the which I thinke dooth incourage him the ra­ther in his presumption toward mee, but I euer scorning him, denying him (as he is) vnworthy to conuerse with a Gentleman of any quallitie or trayning vp: and as I was yerwhiles quyetly, trauelling all alone in a solitarie muse, [Page] how I might behaue my selfe when I came to heauen, what salutations I might render to the Saincts, with what grace I might giue the Baseles manes to the Monarches and great Princes that had raigned in the world, and what counte­nance I might carry, best beseeming a Gentleman of my re­putation & calling, newly comming amongst so many stran­gers of al sorts, amongst whom I was altogether vnknown, and had no manner of acquaintance: as I was painfully and with great difficultie trauelling vp the hill, in these & other like cogitations, this barbarous fellow (whose rude training vp hath better inabled him to indure labour & toile, than those that haue lyued in pleasure & ease) was followed hard at my heeles before I was aware of him, which in truth at the first made me halfe afraide, but looking back & seing who it was, my feare was turned into disdaine, and my stomacke mer­uailously began to swell against him: but without any man­n [...]r of word speaking vnto him [...] kept my way, the which be­ing so straight (as you know) that there can passe but one at once, I held him behinde me, till I was gotten vp to the very height of the hill, where the passage growing more spacious, he makes no more adoe at the matter, but without any word speaking steps afore, & began to hold on his way as though I had béene but his man, and should haue waited on him in his iourney, the which my stomacke not able to brooke, I reproo­ued his malipart saucinesse; he by and by began to grow in­to comparisons, both of my selfe and my petegrée, when it is well knowne that Veluet breeches was neuer lesse than a Gentleman, and Cloth breeches neuer more than a Pesant, and that I haue euer kept company, where such a vassell as he is might be ashamed to shew his face, and therefore holde it in great scorne, that he should take the way of me, now tra­uelling to so glorious a presence. Cloth breeches, that stood all this while with his head hanging on the one side, and by­ting of his nether lyppe, aunswered him thus.

Veluet breeches, touching thy parentage, from whence thou art descended, what thou maist claime for thy gentilitie, and how thou maintaynest thy brauery, thou knowest hath [Page] beene already sufficiently disputed vppon betwéene vs, and by the verdict of a Iury, (whom thou falsly accusest of incon­siderat partiality) they haue pronounced against thée, and de­créede on my side, the which sentence, vntill by a new tryall thou doost seeke to auerre, thou art not till then able to auoid: I wil not therfore reitterate any matter already handled and fully concluded, but briefly to aunswere thy passed speeches; Thou saydst thou wert halfe afraide when I first ouertooke thée, and I beleue thée, for I perceiued by thy blushing, that either thou wast in doubt of a Cunstable, that had follow­ed thée with Hue and crye, or of a Bayliffe, with a writ out of the Kings Bench, that had come to arrest thée: for the geneeositie thou braggest of, acknowledging thy selfe to be a gentleman, & accounting me for a pesant, I will deale plainly with thée in that: there be some fooles in deede like thy selfe, that doo cal thee Master Veluet breeches, & mée they call good­man Cloth breeches, but looke generally through al the parts of England, and you shall sée the goodman Cloth breeches at home kéeping good Hospitalitie, when Ma. Veluet breeches sels away his house, or kéepes his [...]oores shut and will not be spoken withall: for the company which thou sayst thou hast kept, wher I might be ashamed to shew my face, I know not wher it shold be, vnlesse in some brothel house, for those be the places where thou most frequentest: wherin thou hast truely spokē, for there in déed I would be much ashamed to be séene.

Veluet breeches would faine haue replyed, but that I in­terrupted him in these words, saying.

My Masters and very good friends both, I perceiue you haue not read al my bookes, which I haue purposly put forth for the benefite of my Countrymen, for if you had but séene Greenes farewell to folly, me thinkes the bare tytle, without turning ouer leafe to looke further into the matter, might haue moued you to this consideration, that the very ground of your contention is méere folly and flat foolishnes, the which you should haue shaken hands withall, and so to haue bid it adieu, taking a faire farewel of a foule ouersight: and in one other of my bookes, called Greenes groats worth of wit: why, if there were but one peny worth of wit equally distributed [Page] betwéene you both, you would neuer vse to quarrell, & fal to­gether by the eares as you trauell by the way: blame me not my good Countrymen, though I vse bitter expulsiues to expel your grosse errors, you are trauelling I perceiue to a place of blessed peace & quiet rest, what wold you think to enter with malicious mindes? no, the Porter is circumspect, & can looke narrowly into mens dispositions. You Maister Veluet breeches, you are a Gentleman, and you are brauely suted & gallantly apparrelled, and you peraduenture will looke for preheminence: but doo you think that either your great tytle or gay clothes will any thing at all stand you in steede: no, for S. Peter will first looke into your Scutchine, (for if you be a Gentleman you must shewe your armes, otherwise you will be proued but a counterfeit, and those S. Peter cannot abide) and if there shall be found either in the coate or crest, any bloody or cruell beast, any rauenous or deuouring foule, or any other marke or token whatsoeuer, whereby it may ap­peare, that your gentry hath beene aduaunced by rape, by rauen, by bribery, by deceipt, by oppression, by extortion, by vsury, by periury, and to make short, by any manner of fraud and subtiltie, you are vtterly vndoone, he will locke the gates against you, hee will not suffer you to enter. And you good­man Cloth breeches, peraduenture you vnder your simple attyre and homely habit, you thinke to find so much the more fauour: but I can tell you it will not serue the turne, for S. Peter shuts out fortie false knaues in a yeere, that come cree­ping thether in Fryers coates, and Monkes Coules.

I am now to put you in mind of an other of my Bookes, called Greenes neuer too late: O that you had but read ouer that Booke in time, but nowe it is too late for me to spend such wishes, and more later for you to redresse your former follyes, it resteth then that we agrée together like friends, and trauell together like louing Countreymen: let vs not exhibite complaints one against an other, for you shall finde we shall be charged with matters more than we shall well be able to aunswere.

Truely said Veluet breeches, your wise perswasions hath [Page] so lene [...]ed my cholloricke passion, that I am contented for this present iourney, to admit of Cloth breeches as a compa­nion: neither is it himselfe that I doe so much dispise, but his meane and simple attyre.

And for my part (answered Cloth breeches) I can be con­tented to passe in friendly maner with Veluet breeches: ney­ther is it his gay apparrell that I find fault withall, but with his seuerall and sundry abuses.

Well then (said I) I hope the greatest part of this quar­rel is at an end for the present, let vs therfore spend no longer time with any further discoursings, but let vs goe forwards till wee haue likewise ended our iourney: agréede said they, and forwardes wee went, and within a very small distance we might perceiue a farre more cléere and radient light, than euer before till that present wee had beholden, and immedi­atly wee might beholde the tops of the heauenly buildings, whose towers and turrets were of such exceeding brightnes, that our eyes dazeled, we were not able directly to looke vpon them, which gaue vs so great comfort, that we mended our pace, tyll at the last we might heare the most sweete and de­lectable melody, that euer (I thinke) happened to any eares, the harmony not possible to bee descrybed; and by this time we were come hard to heauen gates, which we found shutte and fast locked, and at the least, a hundreth persons walking vp and downe with sad and heauie countenances, conferring now and then by two or thrée together, making semblance by the shewe of their behauiour, that their mindes were per­plexed with some distressed griefe. This spectacle made mee wonderfully to muse, what I might think of the matter, but we thrée holding still in company, passed too and fro by them, and they lykewise by vs, we knowing none of them, nor they knowing none of vs: at the last méeting with one al alone by himself, whose graue & sober aspects, argued a stayed and dis­créete mi [...], and leauing my company for the time, I singled him out, first saluting him with a courteous Conge, the which he as kindly returning me agayne, I began in this sort to enter parle with him.

[Page]Courteous Syr, if a strangers boldnesse might not breed offence, I would request you to satisfie mee but in this one demaund, I am (as you may perceiue) vnacquainted in this place, hauing taken a tedious and painfull trauell, and being now arriued, would be glad to vnderstand the successe of my iourney, and I haue walked too & fro héere this long hower, and in all this space I could neuer see any one passe either in or out, nor the gate so much as opened, which seemeth strange vnto mée, considering the multitude which doo frequent the place, it makes me iealous, that all should not be well in hea­uen, and to growe into suspition of I know not what.

Truely my good friend (answered this graue sir) it should séeme you haue neuer bin a suter, that wold looke for so quick a dispatch, you haue walked vp and down (you say) héere this hower, and there be héere in this company, that haue trauel­led as farre as you, and haue walkt vp and downe héere this moneth, peraduenture a yéere, perhaps more, and would bee glad if they might be dispatched yet, within a wéeke, a fort­night, or a moneth, yea, if it were somwhat more, they would be glad euen then to come to an end of their sutes, you must (Syr) therefore be contented to stay your time, & to take your fortune, and thinke you came hether in a very happy houre, if you be dispatched in a quarter of a yéere. Your news sir (said I) doth not a little make me wonder, but if without offence I might but deale thus much farther with you, what might be the cause I beséech you, that there is no more regard to y ^e dis­patching of poore suters, that haue laboured & tyred thēselues many wayes in hope to haue héere a spéedy release, aswel for y ^e redresse of their sustained wrōgs, as also to be rewarded as they shalbe found worthy by desart? for as it is supposed, this is the very place where Justice & right is most duely admi­nistred, & therfore is accounted the only place of comfort: but can there be any greater wrong, than for a man to be so long deferred from his right? or may there be a more discomfort, than when a man shall neuer hope to haue end of his sutes?

My good friend (answered the other againe) although you haue said no more than is truth: but yet something for your better satis-faction, your consideration must haue some refer­rence [Page] to y ^• time, for one of y ^• greatest matters that doth hinder the forwarding of sutes at this instant, ouer it hath béene in times past, is this, in briefe to be spoken, the wonderfull af­fayres of great importance, and the continuall busines that S. Peter is dayly troubled withall.

What I pray sir (sayd I) is S. Peter more troubled with businesse now, than in times past he hath béene?

O sir (said the other) you néede not doubt of that, & there is great reason for it, that it can not otherwise be, he hath so ma­ny affaires to run through, that it is almost thought impossi­ble how he should execute thē all: for first, he is Knight Por­ter héere of heauen gates, a place I warrant you of no lesse charge than trouble: then, he is constituted the Prince of the Apostles, & confirmed in that authority by all the Popes, for this three or foure hundreth ye [...]re, so that al the rest of the Apostles can doo nothing without his allowance, and whatsoeuer he dooth they cannot recall: then, he is the Popes Factor, & hath the hand­ling & determining of all causes for him, and hath lately bin more troubled with his brablements, for the holding vp of S. Peters chayre, than with all the Kings & Princes again in Christendom: fourthly, he is the Master of the Requests, chosen by the papists to present their prayers to God, and they ply him euery day with moe pelting peti [...]ons, than his leysure will permit to looke ouer in a moneth after: these & so many other matters hee hath still to looke into, that if he had sixe able bodies, they were all too little to run through his other affayres.

Why (saide I) this is a pitteous case, that hauing such infinite busines, as I perceiue by your spceches, that he hath not some as­sistants to helpe him, & that so many troubles should not lye all on one mans necke.

Well (said he) this is your opinion, you haue gyuen your ver­dit, but haue you not learned, Quod supra nos, nihil ad nos: it is not for you & me to say what is beho [...]ull for Saints, they knowe their times & what is necessary, better than you or I can instruct thē, & therfore not to be found fault withal in any of their dealings.

These spéeches ended, giuing him great thankes for his curtesie, I returned againe to my two Companions, Veluet breeches and Cloth breeches, to whom I imparted all my [Page] newes, which strooke them both into a suddain dumpe, but especially Cloth breeches, whose trayning vppe had not béene accustomed much to giue attendance, but it fell out, the very same after noone, that our Lady, with the eleauen thousand Uirgins, had béene walking in the garden to take the ayre, & in her comming backe, fortuning to looke out at a Casement, she sawe vs altogether as we were walking, and calling to her Gentleman vsher, shée demaunded what wee were. He aunswered, that we were Suters, which there did giue our attendance. Alas poore soules (said shée) I did per­ceiue in déede by their pittious lookes, that their minds were troubled with sorrowe and griefe, and without any other wordes speaking, she departed, and causing all other busines to be for the time set a part, shee tooke order that all suters should presently be dispatched.

The next morning something early, S. Peter came foorth to a place where he vseth to sit for the hearing of causes, for that there is a custome, that if any man doe but once get hys féete within heauen gates, hee is neuer after thrust out, and therefore hee taketh assured order that none may enter, but such as shall be thought worthy for their desarts to continue the place. S. Peter hauing nowe seated himselfe, order was taken that euery suter shoulde successiuely bee heard, he that had remayned longest to be first called, and so to procéede to the second in due course accordingly. I and my two compa­nions were the latest that were there arriued, and therefore the last to be dispatched: the rest were examined by one and one, and that in such seuere and straight manner, that a­mongst euery ten, there were scarce one admitted to haue entrance into heauen, the Articles that were obiected against them, were too many in this place to bee rehearsed, but one thing I noted well, which was, there were some that shewed him the Popes Pasport, sealed with lead vnder his priuie Sygnet, but Jesus how S. Peter did be soole them, to shewe him such a writing, being not confirmed vnder the handes of the foure Euangelists, he commaunded them presently to a­uoyde and to come no more in his sight.

[Page]Our turnes being now come to say for our selues, I was the first of the thrée that was called for: S. Peter demaun­ded of me what might be my name, and what trade I had [...] ­sed. I tolde him my name was Robert Greene, by profession a Scholler, and commenced Maister of Artes. O (quoth S. Peter) I haue heard of you, you haue beene a busie fellowe with your penne, it was you that writ the Bookes of Cony­catching, but sirra, could you finde out the base abuses of a company of petty varlets that liued by pilfering cosonages, and could you not as well haue discryed the subtill and frau­delent practises of great Conny-catchers, such as rides vpon footeclothes, and sometime in Coatches, and walkes the stréetes in long gownes and veluet coates: I am sure you haue béene in Westminster Hall, where you haue seene poore Clyants animated to commence actions, and to prosecute sutes till they haue brought themselues to beggery, & when all is spent they are turned off like fooles, and sent home by wéeping-crosse. And let me sée now if any of your Crosby­ters, your Lyfters, your Nyppers, your Foysters, or any other of the whole rabblement of your Conny-catchers, cal him by what name you list, be like vnto these, or more mischiuous in a Common-wealth. Then haue you couitous Landlords, that dooth daily so exact and cheate of their poore Tennants, that they were better light into the laps of a Cutpurse, then to dwell within the precincts of a Cut-throte. Yet haue you a proude kinde of Conny-catchers, that hauing but a Penner and yn [...]rne hanging at his gyrdle, yet créeping into some great mans fauour to become his Clarke or Secretary, by plaine Conny-catching, within very fewe yeeres, will pur­chase thrée or foure hundred pound land a yeere.

Or shoulde I put you in mind of great Conny-catchers, placed in Offices, who are continually building of houses, and still purchasing of reuenewes to leaue to theyr heyres, perhaps by deceiuing the Prince, or cossoning the Subiect, but how should they compasse so great aboundance, but by some practise in Conny-catching: vnlesse they be such which the Prince dooth fauour, of whom she bestoweth many gra­cious [Page] and liberall gyfts: I will not say there bée Conny-cat­chers amongst Clergy men, that will catch at a Benefice sometime before it falles, and nowe and then by Simonie or other corruption hauing catched two or thrée, can be con­tented likewise to catch their Tythes from their poore flock, but very seldome to [...]eede them, or to catch any of their soules to the kingdome of heauen. But now my fréend take this for your answer, you that coulde busie your selfe to fable out so many follies without indifferency, and to become a wryter with such partialitie, I must tell you truth, heauen is no ha­bitation for any man that can looke with one eye and wincke with the other, for there must none rest there that dooth vse to haulte, but such as be plaine and true dealing people.

I woulde very faine haue replyed in mine owne excuse, but S. Peter cut me off, telling me that I was aunswered, and that hauing mine aunswere, I shoulde trouble him no further. And foorthwith speaking to hym that stood next mée, asked hym his name. Who told hym that he was called Vel­uet breeches. S. Peter asked hym further, what Countrey­man he was. He aunswered an Englishman. I cannot think you to be a naturall Englishman, sayd S. Peter, for that I neuer heard of any of your name in that Country. Yes Syr (if it please you) said Veluet breeches, my auncesters came in with the Conquest, and my predecessours haue still conti­nued Gentlemen both of Worship and credite.

As Veluet breeches had ended these words, there happe­ned to come by, diuers Princes that had raigned Kinges of England, all of them mounted vpon great Horsses, and had béene abroade vppon the gréene running at the King: the which Princes being espyed by S. Peter, he called vnto thē, requesting them a little to stay: and then poynting to Vel­uet breeches, he demaunded if any of them did knowe hym, or any of hys name remaining in Englande, in the tyme of theyr raignes and gouernments? But they denayed altoge­ther that euer they had seene hym, or euer known any Gen­tleman of English byrth that was of his name.

Amongst this royall troupe, was King Henry the thyrd, [Page] and he confidently protested, y ^• in the time of his raigne, there was no such person to be found, for said hee, I sent one of my seruants to buy me a payre of hose, and hee returned againe with a payre that was but of sixe shillinges and eyght pence the price: wherewith I being displeased, folde him that I would haue had hym bestowed a marke of a payre, but hee said there were none such to be gotte. But as for the other Cloth breeches that standeth by hym, I know him very wel by his lookes, he dooth so much resemble his auncesters, and hath the very liuely picture of his Predecessours, the which were very honest plaine dealing men, without any manner of falshood or deceite.

S. Peter thanked them of their paines, and thus the Prin­ces departed, who beeing gone, S. Peter saide: You haue heard Ma. Veluet breeches what hath passed, but yet because you haue auouched your selfe to be a Gentleman, you shall haue thys fauour, we will examine some other of later time, who peraduenture may better call you to remembraunce. There stoode a Messenger by, whom S. Peter willed pre­sently to goe fetch hym some Englishman, that was but of some tenne or twenty yéeres residence in the place, charging hym to goe with spéede, and to make a quicke returne. The Messenger met with a company that were newe come out of a Tennis courte, amongst whom was a Mearcer, that within these tenne yéeres had dwelt in Cheapside, hym the Messenger brought to S. Peter, who demaunded of him, if he did know a Gentleman in England, called by the name of Ma. Veluet breeches. Yea marry sayde the Mearcer, I know him to my cost, for thys is he that standes by me, and heere I auouch it before his face that hee is no Gentleman, but a proude dissembler, and a cosoning counterfeite: which if it shal please you to giue me leaue, I will proue before this holy companie. Saint Peter aunswered, we doo not onelie giue you leaue, but also doe straightly commaunde you to speáke a truth, and withall, to speake no more then is truth, what you are able to charge him withall, and howe you are able to pr [...]ue your words.

[Page]The Meareer aunswered, it were too much impiety for a man in my case to raise any slander, or maliciously to accuse any man wrongfully: but to the end the trueth of the matter might more euidently appeare, I must craue pardon a little to vse circumstances, and thus it followeth.

About fourteene or fifteene yéeres since, when I kept a shop in Cheapside, following there my trade, this counterfet Gentleman, being consorted with another of his owne pitch, a byrde of the same feather, although in times past, his onely samiliaritie was but with Dukes, Earles, Lordes, and such other worthy personages, yet at this day an ordinary com­panion, and conuersant with euery skypiacke, and himselfe of base condition and a common Cosoner, his name called Silke stockings. These two copesmates, Veluet breeches and Silke stockings changing theyr names, and because I will not be offensiue to other Gentlemen, that peraduenture be of the same name which they then tooke to themselues, I will call Veluet breeches maister White, and Silke stock­ings, he shall be maister Black, these two counterfeite Gen­tlemen, maister White and maister Black, prouiding them­selues of Lodgings, Maister White as it might be in Graties streete, in a house where no body knewe him, and Maister Blacke in Fanchurch streete, fast by where he found as little acquaintance. Theyr Lodgings being thus prouided, Mai­ster White walking into Poules, and séeing many bils sette vp on the West doore by such as wanted Maisters, perusing the bylles, and finding one that he thought might be [...]itte for his purpose, (and in truth was as cosoning a knaue as hee himselfe) gaue notice vnder the bill, that he shoulde repaire into Graties streete, and at such a signe enquire for Maister White.

The fellow finding his bill subscribed, (and hoping now to light vpon some cheate) made hast the same night, & came to Ma. Whites Chamber: Sir (saith hee) I perceiue your Worship wants a seruant, and I am the party whose byll it hath pleased you to subscribe, and would be glad to take a­ny paines with a good Maister to please him. O sayes Ma. [Page] White art thou he? Marry it is truth, I would giue enter­tainement to a young fellowe that woulde be dilligent and trusty. If it please you sir, (answered the party that meant nothing but deceite) I will finde you suerties for my trueth and good behauiour. Thou sayest well (sayes Ma. White,) but trust me, I like thy lookes well, mee thinkes thou hast a good honest face: but tel me if thou wilt be with me, I must haue thee immediatly.

Sir, answered the other, if it please you to giue me leaue till the Morning, that I might fetch some few things that I haue to shift me withall, I will then attend your Worshyp. Uery well (saies Ma. White) thou maist doo so, and till then farewell.

Héere was now a Maister and a man well met, for the Maister meant to vse his man but to serue his turne for a poynt of cosonage, and the man meant to vse his Maister, til he might finde oportunity, to runne away with his purse or some other of his apparrell, as he had doone before with ma­ny others. But according to appointment, in the Morning trusty Roger came, and was receiued of hys Maister, who now with his man at hys héeles, frequented his fréend Ma. Blacks Chamber for a day or two, and the one of them could not be without the others companie, but maister Black must dyne with maister White at his Chamber, and Ma. White must suppe wyth maister Blacke in his Chamber: but the se­quell was, maister White with his seruaunt attending of hym, walking into Cheapside, and lighting into my shoppe, demaunded of my seruaunts where their Maister was, they told him that I was within, & that if it pleased him to haue any thing with me, they would call me. Yes marry would I (sayes he,) I pray you call him, for I wold speake with him. One of them telling m [...] that there was a Gentleman in the shoppe that would speake with me, I came downe, and Ma. White first curteously saluting me, began in this sort to dis­course with me.

Sir, I am a Gentleman, belonging to such a Noble man in the North parts of England, and in trueth the Steward of [Page] [...]ys house, and hauing now some busines for my Lord heere in the [...]itty, which I am come to dispatch, I must disburse some mony vpon Ueluets & other Silkes both for my Lords and Lady, and I tell you trueth they are such wares as I haue little skyl to make choyce of: the matter why I was desirous to speake with you, was but to commit that trust to your selfe which I durst not aduenture with your man, and my request is, that you would deale so honestly with me, as I might not be deceiued in the choyce of my stuffe, the bene­ [...]e that you shall winne by your good vsage is, you shall re­ceiue ready mony for such wares as I meane at this present to buy, and you shall winne a customer, of whom heereafter you may take greater summes.

I hearing his smooth spéeches deliuered vnder pretence of honesty, and séeming otherwise, both in the show of his ap­parrell and the dutifull attendance of his man, that hee had béene (indéede) some Gentleman of reputation and good re­coning, desirous so much the rather to win such a customer, I tolde him that I woulde not onely fitte him with as good stuffe as any man in London should shew hym, but also in the price I would vse him with such reason, as in any other place they were able to affoorde him: the which promise (in very déede) I meant faithfully to performe.

Heere-withall, he drew a paper foorth of his pocket, wher­in he began to reade: Item for my Lord, two yardes and a halfe of Blacke veluet, and two yardes and a halfe of Kusset veluet, for two payre of Hose, with three yards and a halfe of Black sattine, and as much of Kusset for [...]blyting. Item for my Lady, fourteene yardes of the best thrée pylde veluet for a loose Gowne, with sixe yards of Peach coloured satine for her Petticoate. Item for Mistris Iane & Mistris Fraun­ces, fourteene yards of double tursfed Taffita for each of thē a Gowne: and twelue yardes of Cornation satine for theyr Petticoates. To cōclude he brought me out so many Items, that the prices of the wares amounted to 50. and od pounds, the which when I had sorted him out, he began to find fault that they were too high rated, praying me to sette my lowest [Page] price, for that he meant to pay ready money, and therefore if I would not be reasonable, hee must be driuen to séeke some other shoppe. I very loath to driue him away, pitcht him a price so reasonable, as in truth I was not able better cheape to affoord them: but hys mind being onely sette vppon coso­nage, told me he durst not aduenture to gyue so much mony, and thus away he went.

Within an houre after, hauing sent away his man, which of purpose he had doone, he returned againe, and find­ing me in my shop, he asked me if I would abate no money in my stuffe: I thinking hee had béene some other where to cheapen, told him I had rated them so reasonably, as I was able to affoord them: and that I was sure, in anie shoppe where he had since béene, he had not found the like wares for the like price.

Nay truelie, (sayde hee) I haue not beene in any other place to cheapen any such stuffe, but yet since I left your house I haue disbursed fortie poundes in other thinges, that I haue sent to my Lodging by my man: but I sée you are hard, and yet sith I haue dealt thus farre with you, I will not forsake you, come therefore and cutte me of the parcels. The which accordingly I did, and laying them together, hée desired me to cast the totall summe, the which as before I haue sayd, amounted to fifty and od pounds.

Syr, (sayd hée) I must craue to borrow one of your ser­uaunts, to helpe me home with thys stuffe, and hee shall bring you your money: I haue sent mine owne man about busines, and haue no body heere nowe to helpe mee. Uery well Syr sayd I, my man shall waite vpon you, or doe any other curtesie.

And thus willing one of my men to take vp the stuffe and follow him, I deliuered him a note what mony he was to receiue. Together they goe, til they came to his Cham­ber in Graties streete, where they found hys man remaining, who (indeed) was somewhat perplexed in hys mind, because there was nothing there of hys Maisters, that was woorth the carrying away, vnlesse he should haue taken th [...] [...]tes [Page] from the bedde, but that he deferred, hoping shortly to lyght of a better cheate. But Ma. White demaunded of his man, if Maister Black had not beene there since his comming into the Chamber? who answered him no, neither had hee séene him all that day.

Maister White with that séemed as though he began to be angry, and willed his man presently to hast to his Cham­ber, and to will him withall speede, to bring away the two hundred pounds y ^e he was to receiue, or at the least to bring one of them with hym immediatly, for that hee was to pay the greatest part of it to one that staied in hys Chamber for it. Away went hys man, and in the meane time Ma. White entertained my man in this manner. He asked him if he had any acquaintance with some Goldsmith in the row that was his freend, and would vse him well in the buying of a Chaine and a payre of Bracelets, and not to exact too much of him for the fashion. My man told hym, that he was well acquainted with two or thrée that woulde deale very reasonably wyth hym.

Hée séemed to gyue my man great thanks, and [...]old him, that so soone as hys man was returned, and that he had payd hym his money, he would himselfe goe backe with hym and buy them. Hys owne man in thys meane space, was come to Maister Blacks Chamber, whom hée founde within, pro­uided for the purpose, and was as busie with a Standishe, a great many of papers lying before hym, and a whole sette of Counters in hys hand, as though he had been casting vppe of as huge summes as the King of Spayne receiueth from the Indyes. He had likewise lying before hym, a great bagge full stuffed, making show as if it had béene a great bagge of mony: the sight whereof gaue the Messenger so good an a­petite, that he wished the bagge and hymselfe tenne myles out of the place. But dooing hys Maisters message, maister Black answered hym that he was so full of present busines, that he could not stirre foorth from hys Chamber, but (sayth he, the money thou séest where it lyeth, and if he will come hymse [...], or send some other to tell it and receiue it. Why [Page] Syr (sayde the other) if you please to deliuer me the money, I can carry it. Yea (sayes Maister Black) but your Maister I perceiue is in such haste, as hee would be offended if you should stay the telling of it, but goe your wayes to him and tell him what I haue said, and then let him choose whether he will come or send, the money is héere ready for him, away goes this companion, comforting him with the assured hope, that the carrying of this bagge would haue lighted to his lot, which if it had, he ment to haue giuen them all the slyp, or his cunning should haue fayled him: but comming to his Mai­ster, hee tolde him that Maister Black was so busie in his Chamber casting vp of accounts, that he could not come, but Syr (saide he) the money I did see lying vpon the Table rea­dy for you, and he would haue delyuered it vnto me, but that I feared my long staying in the telling of it might haue of­fended you.

Why then (saide Maister White) goe your waies backe agayne, and I will intreate this good fellow to goe with you, (meaning by my man) to whom he further said: I pray thée my good friende doe so much as goe with my man, and first pay your selfe according to your note, and helpe him then to tell out the rest, for I thinke his skill will scarce serue him to tell so much money, and drawing out of hys pocket, a payre of gold weights, which he delyuered to my man, he sayd, and I beséech you if any part of his payment be in gold, sée that it be neither crackt nor crased, and that it carries weight, and I pray you in your comming backe againe with my man, doo so much as call in héere, and I in the mean time will dispatch a little busines, and will by that time be ready to goe with you vnto the Goldsmythes rowe, where I must craue your helpe for the buying of this Chayne and Bracelets. My man suspecting no manner of deceipt, went a long with hys man: but comming to Maister Blacks Chamber, there was no body to be founde, neyther coulde any of the Seruants of the House, saye whither hee was gone, they sawe him goe foorth but a little before their comming in, but whi­ther he went they could not tell; whereupon, they both toge­ther [Page] returned backe againe to certifie Maister White: but comming to his Chamber, he was likewise gone, and had carryed away all the same stuffe which my Seruant had left with him: my man begynning but nowe to suspect, when it was too late, immediatly caused the Officers to lay holde of Maister Whites man, and hee was carried directly to the Counter, where hee beganne to curse the time that euer hee mette with such a seruice, con [...]essing that hee had coosoned many Maysters before, but nowe hee had met with a Mayster that had a little ouer-reached him. But I vppon my mans returne, came to the places where they had beene lodged, and made what inquiry I coulde, but there was no body that had any manner of knowledge of them, for they came thether not aboue foure or fiue dayes before, making shewe that they were newe come foorth of the Countrey, and that the Carryers were not yet come with theyr Trunckes and apparell, and du­ring the time of theyr aboade, had neuer spent peny in the house, for meate, drinke, nor lodging, which made them protest, it shoulde bee a warning vnto them, what guestes they receiued againe so long as they kept house, and heere was all the remedy that I could haue, but in the ende I had intelligence of many other like coosonages, they had com­mitted in the Cittie, and the parties were well knowne to bee Maister Veluet breeches & Maister Silke stockings, two counterfeit Gentlemen, that to maintain their brauery, prac­tised such deceipts, and would not stick many times to rob by the high way: for the Uarlet cōmitted to the Counter, whom I could no waies charge with any practise towards mee, I released him freely, but for some other villainies which before he had committed to others, and by himselfe confessed, he was whipped at a Cartes arse, and after burnt through the eare, and so commaunded to audyde the Cittie.

Thus much (as it hath pleased you to commaund me) I haue truely signified, what knowledge I haue had of thys Gentleman, Maister Veluet breeches.

S. Peter standing vp, saide: Veluet breeches, thou hast [Page] heard what hath béene auouched against thée, and I wonder howe thou durst presume to present thy selfe in this place, knowing the guiltinesse of thine owne conscience: but I see thou art shamelesse, and for such persons as thou art there is an other place prepared, to the which thou must depart, for heere thou mayst not bide: then speaking to Cloth breeches he said, and for thee Cloth breeches, of whom I haue heard so good report, thou maist seperat thy selfe from thy two compa­nions, & enter into that blisse, where thou shalt find a happy reward for an honest life; and thus as her was (by séeming) ready to depart, he espyed where one was comming alone by himselfe, within a little distance, whom S. Peter perceyuing to be a straunger, stayed his comming, and then speaking vn­to him, he demaunded of him what he was: who aunswered, that he was a poore Yorkeshyre man, a Brick-layer by his oc­cupation, and one that had truely laboured for his lyuing all the dayes of his life: and (sayde he) our Maister Vicar hath many times tolde vs, that if we get our lyuings honestly with the sweat of our browes, wee shall goe to heauen, and there we shold haue such peace, such quyet, such ioy, such com­fort, such pleasure, and so many God morrowes, I cannot tel what, but (of his words) I haue had but an ill-fauoured iour­ney hether, and what I shall find I cannot tell yet.

S. Peter séeing his simplicitie, sayde, why then my freind come and followe me, and tell me héereafter howe thou likest of the place.

The fellowe hastily replyed, saying: I pray sir let mee first aske you a question, doo vse to let any women come into Heauen amongst you?

Why not (saide Sainct Peter) what should make thée to doubt of that?

Why then I pray sir (sayde the other) did there not a woman come hether about a six wéekes a goe, with a bleare eye, a snottie nose, a blabber lippe, a stincking breath, her voyce was very shrill, and her spéech thicke and short.

But how doost thou call her name (sayde S. Peter) whom thou hast described, with so many louely tokens?

[Page]Her name (saide the other) is called Margery Sweete, but yet more oftner called by the name of Mannerly Margery.

Why she is in heauen (saide S. Peter) and if thou hast a­ny thing to say to her, thou mayst there find [...] her?

Mary God blesse me from thence (saide the other) if shée be there, I knowe her fashions too well, to come any more where she is, shee was my wife, and I was married to her sixtéene or seuentéene yeeres, and I faith all heauen would be too little for her and mée, and if we should once méete againe, but I am now ridde of her, and I hope I will keepe mee so, she shal not cast it in my téeth, that I was so far in loue with her to follow her, as she hath many times doone: telling me, that if I had not béene she might haue had a Minstrell, that would haue got more money in a wéeke with his Fiddle, than I could get in a moneth, with laying of Brick.

S. Peter, with the rest of the company, hearing the mad disposition of the fellowe, departed, leauing behinde him, my selfe, Veluet breeches, and this Brick-layer, who forsooke to goe into heauen because his wife was there; you may easily gesse, Veluet breeches and I were perplexed with sorrowe enough, but it was too late nowe for vs to bethinke our selues what we [...]hould haue doone, and rested onely for vs to deter­myne what we must doo, & the further wee found our selues bereaued of all possibilitie, to recouer agayne what wee had lost, the neerer approached the horror of our griefe and tor­ment: but we had receiued our finall sentence, and there was no place longer for vs to stay in, the comfort that was left vs, was to see if wee could finde meanes to gette into Pur­gatorie, hoping there to finde some release, by the prayers and charitable deuotions of good people, and with this reso­lution we set forward of our iourney: the Brick-layer ouer­taking vs, desired vs to accept of hys company, protesting that he would be a partaker of our fortunes, whatsoeuer did betide vs.

Veluet breeches demaunded of him what was his name: The other tolde him that before he was marryed, they called him Ruffling Richard, but after that he was marryed, they [Page] neuer vsed better addition than playne Dick. Truely friend Richard (saide Veluet breeches) me thinkes you are too plain, and more simple, to forsake heauen because your wife is there. I pray you sir (saide Richard) were you euer marryed? Yes mary was I, (sayde Veluet breeches) but what of that? I doo not vnderstand you (saide Richard) for I demaund of you, if euer you had a wife? And I tell thée I had a wife, (saide Veluet breeches) why doost thou aske me that? Good Lord (saide Richard) I neuer heard a wise man make so foo­lish an aunswere, for I aske you if you were marryed? and you say yes: and when I demaunde if euer you had a wife, you aunswere, I mary had I, and what then? And doost thou call that a foolish aunswere (saide Veluet breeches) what, wouldst thou haue mee say, yes foorsooth? No sir, no, (saide Richard) but I will teach you some wit how to aunswere to such a question; when a man dooth aske you if you haue a wife, you must say, yes I thanke God, or, yes I cry God mercy, for so a man shall directly vnderstand you: for if you say, yes I thanke God, by that we may vnderstand you haue a good wife, for the which you are bound to thanke God highly, because fewe men dooth happen of the like: but if your auns were be, yes I cry God mercy, Sub intelegitur, such a wife as mine was, and then you would neuer haue accounted mee simple, to leaue heauen to [...]hunne her compa­nie, because a man shall liue more quietly amongst all the di­uelles of hell, than it is possible for him to doo, that lights on such a wife.

Hearing these pleasant speeches in this manner deliue­red by Richard, I could not choose but smile, notwithstanding my cause of griefe: and taking it to bee a benefit of fortune, that had vouchsafed to fauour vs with the company of this merry conceited Brick-layer, whereby to beguile our pensiue thoughts with his pleasant discourses, in this our tedious trauell. I questioned with him of his wife, what shee was when hee marryed her, whether a widdowe or a mayde, by what meanes hee came acquainted with her, and howe shee became so vnruly. Richard in this sort began to discourse.

[Page]When I was young (saide he) I was as hansome a fel­lowe, as any was in the parish where I was borne: and for my valour, I durst haue trauelled into any Gentlemans Buttery, when all the Barrels had beene full, without ei­ther sworde or dagger about me: for my resolution, if I had once gotten vnder a maydens Chamber windowe, I would neuer haue started, till they had emptied a Camber pot on my beade: for my courage, I duist haue gone into a­ny baudy house, and woulde haue come [...]ut agayne as honest a man, as when I went first in: for my credit, I might haue runne on the skore for six pottes, wyth any Alewife that kept house within fiue myles where I dwelt: for my quallities euery manner of way, I had the preheminence amongest all the youthes that were in our quarters, for at May-tyde, who was the ring-lea­der for the fetching home of a May-pole, but I: at Mid­sommer, I was chosen the Sommer Lorde: at euerie Bridall, who must daunce with the Bryde, but Ruffling Richard: Thus for a pleasant life, the Cunstable of the Parish liued not more merrily than I, and for my reputati­on, I was almost as much reuerenced as our Church-war­dens: but, as the stoutest Stond of Ale, at last is set a tilte, and the fattest Goose comes soonest to the spitte; so, my for­mer fortunes were drawne to their laiest date, and my prime of pleasures concluded with mishappe: but oh loue, O cruell loue, that wast the first frunte to my felicities; But who can resist loue, if it be once crept into the bottome of a mans belly? O what a rumbling it makes in his guttes, and howe it bethrobs him about the heart: and sée nowe the sequel of my mishap. I fortuned to be at a Shéepe-shearing, where I met with Margery, she that was my wife, in a fine red petticoate, with damaske vpper bodies, a white apron be­fore her, & vpō her head a broad felt hat, with a braue braunch of rosemary sticking in her bosom, appointed amongst y ^e rest with a payre of sheeres, to helpe sheare Shéep, and I hauing brought forth a lusty young Ramme, would haue laid him in her lap, but she resusing to take him, said vnto mée: now good [Page] friend Richard if you loue mee, bring mee none but poulde shéep, for of al things in the world, I cannot away with these horned be [...]stes. When I heard these milde words, thus gen­tly spoken, & howe kindly she pronounced this sentence (Good friend Richard if you loue me) O heauens (thought I) what a swéete charme is this: then nothing her modesty, that shee could not abide the sight of a horned beast, I began to thinke with my selfe, how happy might that man be accounted, that could light of such a wife, & hauing but a little thus giuē scope to mine own affectiōs, Loue, that had his tinder box ready to strike fire, by this time had set my fansie of such a flame, that not longer able to endure the heate without a cup of Sack, I saide vnto her; Margery, your manner of phrase hath won­derfully troubled mée, for in your first spéeches you call mée your good friend Richard, and then you come in with a doubt­full demaund, in these words, (if you doe loue me) as though I coulde bee your good friende and yet did not loue you: but Margery, sith you haue popt mee such a doubfull question, if you and I were alone by our selues, I would poppe you such an aunswere, that you should well find that I loued you, and that heereafter you might leaue out your if, and say, Richard asse you loue me.

With these words pretily casting her head at one side, she gaue me such a learing looke, that might as well haue daun­ted me with dispaire, as giuen mee comfort & hope of grace: for the one of her eyes was bleard, and séemed as though she wept, the other was a pretty narrowe pinckeny, looking euer as though she smylde, so that in her very countenance at one instant, you might behold pleasure and paine, pitty and ry­gor, curtesie and crueltie, loue and disdayne: and then wyth a swéete voyce, lyke one that were asking an almes, shée sayde.

Richard, if you loue mee as you saye, your loue shall not bee lost, but men are so crafty nowe a dayes before they are marryed, that they will make a mayde beleeue they loue her, tyll they haue gotte vppe her bellie, and then they will not sticke to denye their owne children, [Page] and that makes women when they be once marryed, to play their husbands such a cast, that they shall not knowe their own children: but if your loue be no such loue Richard, you shal not finde me vnkinde. When I heard the wisdom of the wench, it made my pulses so to beate, that I had thought my codpisse point would haue fallen a sunder: but for aunswere I saide.

Margery, your sober speeches so wisely deliuered, toge­ther with your sweet countenance so louely placed, hath so preuayled with your good friend Richard, that for the better confyrmation of my loue, receiue here this token, as a pledge of my good will: and taking then a two peny péece which I had in my purse, I bowed it and gaue it to her, the which when she had receyued, she said.

Well Richard, nowe I doo account you as mine owne, and at night when my Mother is gone to bed, if you will come home, we will there talke farther of this matter: & for your welcome, I will bestowe of you a messe of Creame.

Margery (saide I) looke you kéepe your promise, for I wil be there, and because you will be at so much cost with a messe of Creame, I will bring with mee a peny worth of spyce­cakes: And although we had thus referred ouer farther spée­ches till our next méeting, yet during the time that wee re­mayned there in place, O how many amorous glaunces and louing countenances there passed still too and fro betwéene vs: but at night my appointed time being come, thether I went, and Margery was at the windowe watching for my comming, who hauing once espyed mée, she opened the doore, where shee receiued mee with such a swéete kisse, as if her breath had been lately perfumed for the purpose, whose dain­ty smell was as sauery, as if it had béene a red herring that had béene newly roasted: her louely lippes pleasant and soft, like a locke of wooll that was but then come out of the seame basket: but should I tel you of all the other loue tricks that passed betweene her and me that night, I might either oppresse your stomack to thinke of it, or otherwise perhaps make you ashamed to heare it: but let thys suffyce, before I [Page] departed, our marriage day was appointed, and Margery in time made her Mother acquainted with the matter, who no­thing misliking of her Daughters choyce, gaue her her bles­sing, with many other good helps to furnish forth her bridall day, the which when time had drawne to be solemnized, and that the lustie youthes of the Parrish were gathered toge­ther to goe with vs to Church, & the young Damosels were flocked on a heape to waite on the Bride, attending her com­ming foorth. The good old woman her Mother, who had béen euer chary of the louely Chickin her daughter, and euen at the very instant when we were ready to goe to Church, shée was scooling of her with this exhortation.

Margery, (sayd the) the day is nowe come for the which you haue so much longed after, it is twenty yéeres agoe since you first wished for a Husband, and byr Lady daughter you were then seauentéene or eyghteene yéeres of age, so that at this present you want not aboue two or thrée of forty: nowe if wit went by yéeres, you are olde enough to be wise, but I being your Mother, besides my many yéeres which might aduaunce my skill, so I haue buried foure seueral husbands, (the heauens be praised for it) which hath so much the more confirmed my experience in the dispositions of men, and can the better iudge of their naturall inclinations: and by all that I haue gathered by mine owne proofe and practise, I haue found it still by tryall, that the fantasies of men, are e­uermore best fitted with the follies of women. But leauing generalities, and to come to so much as concerneth but thy selfe, that art now to be married to a husband, who in respect of his age thou mightest be his Mother: and couldest thou now but consider, what a comfort it is for an olde Woman, to be louingly embraced by a yoūg man, O daughter daugh­ter, thy mothers mouth begins to water, but with the verie imagination to thinke of the pleasure, and therefore happie maiest thou deeme thy selfe, that art so likely to enioy it.

But héere is now a great péece of discretion to be vsed, for as age conceiueth such contentment with the societie of fresh and pleasant youth, so youth will quickly fall a loathing [Page] of cold and crooked age, if the parties be not wise to enforce that by arte, that they are otherwise denaied by nature: which is, to shew a youthfull disposed minde, how farre so­ [...] they be spent in yéeres: for it is a tyred Iade that can­not cry weehee, and a sorry Mare that cannot wag her taile. Thou art nowe to consider the inequalitie of the yeeres be­tweene thy selfe and thy husbande, and therefore a little to whet him on to make him to like of thée the better, it shal not be amisse for thee to shew some youthfull conceite, especially being thy bridall day, it is tollerable for thée a little to play the wanton.

I can tell thée daughter, men are well pleased to sée theyr Wiues youthfully gyuen, and there is nothing y ^t doth more delight them, then to sée them wantonly disposed: and thys is the meane to winne your husbands lik [...]ng, and to drawe him to y ^t appetite, which your many yeeres might quenche: remember therefore what I haue told you, and fayle not for your aduantage, to shew some youthfull tricke.

Margery making a mannerly curtsie, said: Yes forsooth Mother, I will remember all that you haue told me.

By this time all things being prepared, to Church we went, where the Priest hauing once doone his office, we re­turned againe, and were accompanied with our neighbours and freendes that went home to dinner with vs: for whom there was prouided Fyrmentie and Minced Pyes, besides other good meate both roste and sodde: the which being all ready, Margery was placed at the vpper end, between two of the most substantiall honest men, according to the custome of the Parrish, and my selfe likewise, (as the manner was) did waite that day at the Table, with a napkin hanging on my shoulder.

But O what a comfort it was vnto me, to sée how dain­tily Margery fedde of euery dish that came neere her, and how lustily she laid about her for her victuales And (thought I) if it be true as some will say, that a good féeding Horse will goe through with his labour, then I warrant if I gyue Margery her meate, I neede not feare to ryde her where I [Page] lyst. But Dinner beeing almost at an ende, and the Cake­breade and Chéese ready to be sette on the Table, the good old Woman her Mother, who had likewise beene very bu­sie that day in taking paynes to fill the pottes, and to carrie away emptie dishes, beganne to cheere vppe the companie, bidding them welcome, and telling them she was sorry there was no better chéere for them.

Margery presently vpon the sight of her Mother bethought herselfe what she had to doo, and calling now to minde what lesson she had gyuen her, and howe shee had willed her that day to showe some youthfull tricke, thereby to purchase the fauour of her husband, and picking out at that very instant a fitte opportunity to performe it, she called to her Mother in thys youthfull manner, Munna, vppe and cacke. The olde Woman hearing her Daughter, sayd: Why how now Margerie? [...]e for shame, will you speake bugges wordes? Could you not pretily haue saide: I pray you Mother haue me vppe to picke a Rose, nay nowe I sée you play the wan­ton too much.

Then speaking to the company that safe by, she sayde: I pray you beare with my Daughters childishnes, for I know it is the Firmentie that dooth so much anoy her, for euen from her very infancie, if she had taken any spoone meate, she was still troubled in the bottome of her back-side with a great ventositie.

The neighbours séeing the clenlinesse of the wench, did euer after that call her by the name of Mannerlie Margerie. Thus much to answer your former demaund concerning my wife, whether she were a widdow or a mayd: by the circum­stances wherof, you may perceiue she was a maid, although a very old one, and yet not so far spent in yeeres but she was able to play a youthfull trick. And now for the rest y ^t concer­neth but the tragedy of mine own mis-fortune: to signify the matter at large, would be tedious for you to heare, & fearefull for me to declare, the very memory wherof were enough to make me tremble, but that I know I am farre enough from her that was the minister of my woe.

[Page]Let thys suffise, within a very fewe Monethes after I was married, Margery beganne to grow ielous, for if shee had once béene thirsty, and that I wanted money to sende to the Ale-house, she wold tell me that I spent a way my thrift amongst some other young Queanes: heere began our first falling out, and to set forward the matter, there dwelt at the very next house by me, a Tayler, who had a wife y ^t was sure once a day to measure the breadth of her husbands shoulders with his owne mete-yard.

Margery and this Taylors wife grew to be acquainted, and amongst other conclusions it was agréed betwéen them, that to preuent diseases, and to preserue them in health, they would euery morning next their harts, take a phisical dyet, which was, a full quarte of the quintinsence drawne from an Ale-tub, warmed by the fire, with a grated Nutmeg, halfe a yarde of Black-pudding rosted on a grydyron, a quantitle of salte, with a measure of fine Wheate-flower, first made into paste, and after baked in a loafe of breade: these ingre­diences, after they had incorporated altogether, they would afterwards lightly fast till noone. And they founde such a commoditie in vsing this Medicine, that if the Tayler and I had not euery morning giuen them mony to pay for the sim­ples, it had not beene good for vs to haue come that day af­ter in their sights: for the Taylors wife, shee could handle a mete-yard or a cudgel passing nimbly, but Margery had got­ten the practise of all manner of weapons. For besides that she had y ^e vse of her nayles, which she imployed many times about my face, she could likewise handle a payre of bellowes about my pate, a payre of tonges a thwart my shins, a fire­brand sometimes should flye at my head, a ladle full of scal­ding liquour other-whiles in [...]y bosome, a thrée footed stoole, a pot, a candlesticke, or any other thing what soeuer came next her hand, all was one to her: and shee had learned such a dexteritie in the deliuerie, that they should haue come whir­ling about mine eares.

In the ende, deuising with my selfe a remedy for these mischieues, I found the meanes to be made the Cunstable, [Page] hoping that mine Office woulde haue beene a protection to me for a yéere, and that she durst not haue striken her Mate­sties Officer. But within a day or two, it was my fortune to hit on a pot of strong Ale, which shee had sette vp in a corner for her owne drinking, and I (béeing thirsty) gaue it such a soupe, that I left very little behind. The which afterwarde when she came to séeke for, and founde her store so pittisullie impaired, against my comming home at night, she prouided her selfe of a waster, and I was no sooner entred the doores, but foorth she comes with her cudgell in her hand, and wyth such a terrible countenaunce, that were able to affright anie man that should behold it.

Richard, sayd shée, I had thought you would neuer haue gyuen me occasion to be ielous of you, but now I sée you loue a cuppe of strong Ale better then you loue me, and do you not thinke then that I haue great reason to be displeased wyth your vnkindnes towards me, and to beate out that lacke of loue that dooth make you so lightly to regard me.

Margery, sayd I, take héede what you doo, for you know that I am her Maiesties Officer, and heere I charge you in the Quéenes name, that you holde your handes. What Maister Cunstable, said she, haue you gotten an enchaunt­ment for me, or doo you thinke that your charme shal serue to excuse you? No sir no, for nowe you haue deserued double punishment: first, you being an Officer if you offer wrong, your punishment must be so much the more gréeuous, and is it not meere iniustice to take that which was not prouided for you: next, you haue deserued to be well punished, for the little reuerence you haue vsed in the execution of your office: commaunding me in the Queenes name to hold my handes with your cap on your head, nor vsing any other duty or re­uerence: but Matster Cunstable, I will teach you howe to vse an Office, and with that she let flye at my heade, at my shoulders, at my armes, and still she would cry, remember heereafter how you doo your Office, remember your duty to the Queene, remember when you commaund in her Maie­sties name, that you put off your cap, and doo it with reue­rence: [Page] and such a number of other remembraunces she gaue mée, as I thinke there was neuer poore Constable before nor since, so instructed in an office as I was. To tell you of ma­ny other like remembrances which at [...]ther times shee be­stowed on me, I shold but trouble you, but the conclusion is, I am now ridde of her, and they say that the distaunce be­tween Heauen and Hell is great, but if they were a sunder fiue times further then they be, if I might vnderstand where shee were in the one, I woulde neuer rest till I were gotte to the other.

Richard hauing thus discoursed the whole course of hys life, of his lyking, of his loue, of his pleasure, of his paine, al­though the subiect of the matter were scarce worth the hea­ring, yet considering the place whether we were going, it kept a fitte Decorum with the iourny we had in hande: and as the tale it selfe was tedious, so by this time we were ouer passed a long and wearisome way: the best commoditie, the tract was large and spacious, and still discended downe a Hill into the bothome of a Ualley, glooming and melancholy to behold, where we might espie one with a Waxe Candle lighted in his hand, who was walking by himselfe, prying and tooting in euery corner, and many times stumbling, and ready to fall where the way was plaine and smooth, that we tooke him to be some blind man that had lost his way, wher­at we began to wonder what he shold doo with candle light, that could not sée to guide his steppes at high noone dayes. But we keeping on our way, were drawn so neere him that we might perceiue he had the vse of his eyes, yet hee neuer perceiued vs, till I saluted him, and bade him God speede. Whereat he suddainly started, as if he had béene halfe in a fright, but when he had awhile taken the gaze on vs, hee demaunded of vs how farre we had come that way. I tolde him that we were come from Heauen, and that we were going to seeke out the place of Purgatory, desiring hym that if he were acquainted in those quarters, that he would direct vs the ready way to goe thither.

Alas Gentlemen (said he) that is the place that I haue [Page] béene séeking for this long Moneth together, and I thinke there is no corner betweene thys and Hell that I haue lefte vnsearched: and were it not for thys holy Candle, whose vertue is able to defend me from the inchauntment of anie spirit or deuill, I would thinke I were Goblyn lead, I haue wandered so farre about, [...]uermore hitting into daungerous high wayes that leadeth to Hell, and coulde neuer finde out the path that should bring me to Purgatory.

Truly my freend (said I) if I be not deceiued, the lyght which you carry in your hand (wherin you repose your grea­test confidence) is the very meane of your mistaking, & hath so much dimmed your sight and dazeled your eyes, that you cannot see the right way, but makes you thus to run stum­bling about, and to wander to and fro, that you your selfe knowes not whether, I would wish you therefore to leaue it, and you shall see so much the better howe to direct your steps. What said he, would you haue mee leaue my holy Candle, marry God and good S. Frauncis blesse me out of that mind: but if you be of that Religion, I would be sorry to tarrie in your company, vnlesse I might induce you by perswasion to thinke more reuerently of holy things.

Truely (sayde I) a lyttle inducement shal suffise to per­swade me to any reasonable matter, and good counsell is e­uermore to be embraced, but especially at this instant, my case being now as it is.

Why then (said he) I will tell you a true tale, wherein you shall perc [...]ue the wonderfull effect that Holy water hath in working against the deuill, and this it is. There was not not long since, a very proper young woman, that was pos­sessed of a fiend, who did so torment & vexe her, that althou [...]h she would not goe to any Sermons, nor would euer receiue the Communion, yet she would sometimes goe to Church, and say her Pater noster in English, and now and then eate flesh on Fridaies, and would commit many other heresies, which thys deuill tempted and led her to doe. But you shall sée now, there was a good honest holy Priest that was a Se­minarie, who beeing in place where thys Woman was, [Page] and lyking her very well, did begin to pitty her case, and of meere deuotion prickt forward by a san [...]ified loue, he deui­sed with himselfe, how he might fully reclaime her to the ho­lie Church: and hauing attempted many practises in vaine, and finding that neyther perswasion, charme, nor any man­ner of coniuration, was able to remooue the wicked spyrite from her, his last helpe was, hee gaue her a glister of holie Water, the which hee had no sooner put vp into her bodie, but the deuil immediatly forsooke her, that she after became a most Catholique vessell, and was able to reason so pro­foundly in that Keligion, that but with a little blast of her back side, she wold haue made the proudest Protestant that stoode next her to stop his nose.

An other like miracle I am able to protest of mine owne knowledge, and this is it. There was a Gentleman that is liuing at this present houre, whose name and dwelling place if I list I coulde deliuer: thys Gentleman had beene married full out tenne yeeres, during which space he neuer had issue, although both himselfe and his wife were very de­sirous to haue chyldren. But it fell out that a holy Father a Iesuite was priuily harboured in thys Gentlemans house, who seeing the Gentlewoman to be a lusty and well lyking wench to beare chyldren, did minister vnto her the holy sa­crament of extreme vnction, anoyling her partes of genera­tion with holy oyle, and laying the signe of the crosse ouer her as she lay on her bed, and thys Gentlewoman for three yeeres together that thys holy father lay in her house, had e­uery yeere a childe: and therfore most happy may those peo­ple thinke themselues, that doth retaine and foster such holie guestes nowe in these dangerous tymes, if it were but to haue theyr Wiues hallowed, and to be made holy vessels.

But if I shoulde heere enlarge further, what miracles hath beene wrought, by Holie Water, Holy Candles, Holy Ashes, Holy Oyles, Holie Lambes, and many other holy Keliques, I knowe I shoulde minister so much contentment to your conceite, as the pleasure would make you hartily to laugh.

[Page]Syr sayde I, your myracles are strange, and they may be true, but yet I am of opinion, that for the casting out of di­uelles, the name of God is of groater authoritie, than a whole tubbe full of holy water, and for a woman to be made fruitefull in children, is likewise the blessing of God, and I doo thinke that for the attaynment of any thing that is good, it is rather to be requested in the name of the Creator, then otherwise to be sought for, by the meanes of the creature.

The other aunswered againe, but men that bee of your Religion, are not able to looke into theyr owne errors: for if they were not wilfully blinde, they should finde it in com­mon experience, that hee that will looke to preuaile in hys sutes, shall sooner bee dispatched by the mediation of the Saincts, than if he presumed to preferre his cause to GOD himselfe, and should finde more grace by the meanes of the creature, then if he requested in the name of the Creator: and because I would bee glad to confirme you the better, I will [...]ewe you you an example.

Admitte nowe that your selfe were in a Princes Court, and had some sute, that might not onely concerne your own, but that it stretcheth so farre, as to the aduauncement of Gods glory, the profite of the Prince, and the generall bene­fite of the whole Countrey. You are nowe to preferre thys sute: what, will you goe to the Prince himselfe? (who in this place representeth God) why you shall attende a longe while before you shall come to his presence, and then, al­though he be milde, affable, gracious, and full of clemencie, and in déede with as many royall vertues as appertayneth to a godly Prince, yet he will turne you of to some one graue Counsailer, or some other great personage that is about him, to looke into your cause and to consider of it: (who in this place dooth represent the holy Saincts, which must bee your [...]diator:) Now this Counsayler is so troubled with so many other affayres, and such busines of great impor­tance, that he hath no leysure in the world to remember you: then must you ply his Secretary, or some other that is néere about him, and you come to him (whith your cappe in your [Page] hand and [...] courtesie) and say, I beséech you Syr remem­ber my sute to your Maister, I haue lyen long heere, and I haue spent all that I am able to make, and I pray you Syr euen for Christes [...]ke, and for the t [...]er mercy of God, get me an aunsw [...]re: (héere you come in the name of the Crea­tor:) Nowe sir, I will (for example sake) make my selfe an aduerse against you, and I will come to the same partie, and say vnto him, Syr, I vnderstand that such a one (meaning you) hath presented such a sute, and I beseech you Syr, euen as you loue an hundreth Angels, (I come heere in the name of the creature) procure me your Maysters lets against him, and let mee haue your assistance for the stay of his sute: tell mee nowe your owne conscience, will not these visible crea­tures, glistering in this mans eyes, worke a quicker expedi­tion, than the bare name of your inuisible Creator but soun­ding in his eares? I am sure you will neuer make question of the matter: for the very presence of an hundreth angels but looking him in the face, will make him to enter into any attempt, yea, and sometimes to abuse his Maister, be he ne­uer so wise, be he neuer so graue, or be he neuer so honorable, and to make him by his information perhappes to commit some error.

Syr (saide I) if the matter were worth the reasoning, I could easily aunswere your fond comparisons, but I am not disposed to argue of these matters, & wil therfore let them rest with this conclusion, that God is God, and onely good, & men are men, & no man without fault, nor frée from offence. This is very true (answered Richard) for the Vicar of our parish in a Sermon that he made on Midlent Sunday, did speake so much in Latine and sayde, N [...]mo sine briberi viuit: I re­member his words well enough, and brought so much of hys Sermon away.

Richard had no sooner thus added his finatiue conclusion, but we might sodainly heare a loud & pitteous skrike, which by the shrilnes of the noise, séemed to be some womans voice, that was put into some feare, or offered some vyolence: and bending both our eyes and our steppes, towardes the place [Page] from whence the noice resounded to our eares, we might sée a woman hastily comming towards vs, with a trusse or fardle vnder her arme, to whom I saide; Good woman, to séemeth you shold be distressed, although I know not for what cause, but say, what is the matter of this your hasty flight? Alas sir, (said she) as I was trauelling towards hell, with certaine wares that I haue héere in my fardle, which I am sent with­all to shewe them to Proserpina: fast by heere in the high way, there encountered with mee the most deformed and yll-fauoured Monster, that euer I did s [...]tte myne eyes on, whose ougly countenaunce dyd so afright mee, that it maketh mee in this sort to retyre, not daring to holde on my course.

I pray thee goodwife (saide I) what wares should they be, that thou art carrying to hell? or doost thou carry them to sell? or be they sent as a present?

Syr sayde shée, I haue heere Perewigs of the newe curle, Roules, and other atlyres for the heade of the new fashion, Ruffes of the newe s [...]tte, newe Cuttes, newe Stitches, newe gardes, newe imbroyders, newe de­uysed French Uerdingales, newe French bodyes, newe bumbasting, newe bolstering, newe vnderlayings, and twentie newe deuyses more than I haue nowe spoken of, which I am carrying to hell amongest the Ladyes and Gentlewomen that are there, who when they ly­ued in the worlde woulde let slippe no fashion: and I am sure nowe they bee there, would be right glad of the fashions nowe in vse, both to sée them and to haue them.

In good faith (said I) they [...]e wares fit for such customers, for from hell they came, and thether they will, there they were first deuised, and therefore fittest to serue that Market.

You are much deceyued [...]r (sayd she) for I haue fashions heere that [...] a Lady nor Gentlewoman that is in hell, euer sawe the like, [...] neuer a Cu [...]an, or any other strumpet that liued in the world, did euer weare the like, such perewigs, curled and [...]ed by art, such roules of hayre per­ [...]umed an [...] platted by proportion, such ruffes [...] will aske one [Page] whole day to wash and starch, and an other daies labour but to pinne them in the fashion, that (alas poore women) they are faine to take great paynes to goe to the diuell: but I be­séech you Gentlemen, if your occasions be not the greater, doo so much as conduct mee a lytttle part of the way, tyll I bee p [...]st this ill fauoured Monster that hath so affright me. We yeelding to her [...]quest, had not gone farre but we might dis­cerne a most de [...]ormed creature, with a monstrous payre of hornes, growing from the vppermost part of his Fore-head, the tippes where of turned round into his eyes, and growing there agayne into his head, had made him starke blinde, that he had no manner of sight; Our Companion so confidently perswaded in the vertue of his holy Candle, that he thought no spirite was able to hurt him, stepping forward sayde, In nomine Patris, what art thou that walkest in this fort, thus disturbing the High wayes.

The other aunswered, What I am thou mayst sée very well, but howe I came to bee thus perplexed, that thou must vnderstand by a further cyrcumstaunce. Knowe then that I was a Myller, sometimes dwelling in Kent, where I kept a Mill, which (as it seldome tymes wanted water, so at no time it wanted grist) for that it had the custome of the Coun­trey, at the least fiue or six myles about: It fortuned that a very wealthy and substantial Farmer, dwelling two or thrée miles frō me, sent a sacke of Corne to my Mill by his daugh­ter, which came on horse-backe to haue her corne grownd, intending to haue gone backe againe with it before night: which might very well haue béene doone, sauing that wee Myllers are tyed to this custome, which is, when any young women dooth fortune thus to come to the Mill, wee vse as well to take toule of themselues, as of their sackes: and I, firing mine eyes vpon the wench, séeing her to be a very han­some young Mayden, not aboue ninetéene or twéentie yéeres of age, was very loath to let her escape toule-frée, aud th [...]re­fore set downe a plot howe I might acquainte her with our custome: the which I could not by any meanes per [...]rme, but by making her to stay all night, wherefore I [...]posly [Page] put my Myll out of temper, and spent all the after noone in repayring and trimming of my Myll, and brought her corne to the hopper, whē the [...] so far passed, that it was not possible it could bee grownd off, tyll it were very late in the night; But the young Mayden séeing her Corne vppon the Myll, and desirous to haue it home with her, stayed with the better will, the which being once grownd off, notwithstand­ing the euening was very farre spent, yet shee woulde haue departed home: but I, pretending much good will to her Fa­ther, tolde her that if a dogge of her Fathers, were in my house at this time of the night, I would not shutte him forth of the doores for his Maisters sake, much lesse your Fathers daughter: wherefore I will intreate you to stay this night in my house, and you shall haue a homely bed, and a cleane paire of shéetes, with such fare as I hope shall content you, and for your horse, hee shall likewise bee turned into a good pasture fast by my Mill, and in the morning all things shall be ready for you to depart so soone as you please.

The maiden being well perswaded by my faire spéeches, séemed content, and I went to my wife, & tolde her that for as much as my Mill had béene out of temper all the day, I must sit vppe all night to grinde, willing her further to make ready a spare Chamber, for the young Maiden my Neighbours daughter: who had stayed so long for the grinding of her Corne, that it was too late for her to goe home, & willed her, to better our supper with a ca [...]on or a dish of chickins, as she her selfe thought good; But my wife, who many t [...]es be­fore had taken the true measure of my foote, and had picked out at her fingers endes the whole drift of my pretence, winking a little with one of her eyes, aunswered smoothly, Husband all shall be doone as you haue willed: & although I had béene suffici [...]ntly instructed in this olde Axiome, which sayth, Trust not an olde quean [...], if she once begins to winke: yet by my wiues smooth de [...]eanure, I was frée from all sus­picion, and contemplating my selfe in hope of my nights hap­pinesse, I neuer had leysure to bethinke me of any precpts of good counsaile: but my wife hauing made all things ready, [Page] and that we were called in to such [...] as sh [...] had proui­ded, & we likewise hauing ended our supper, I told the young wench, that when she were [...] take her rest, my wife should bring her to her Chamber, and wild my wife like­wise at her owne leysure to get her to bed, for that I was to watch all night, that I might bee ready in the morning to serue my customers according to my promise: and thus lea­uing them twayne together, I departed about my busines; but, my wife that had conceiued the very depth of my deuise, lodged the mayde in her owne bed, and hauing but one other Chamber, which I alwayes reserued for a friend, and where I thought the mayde should haue béene placed, there my wife [...]ily & cunningly lodged her selfe: but I that was more doubtfull of mine own fortune, than suspicious of my wiues practise, perceyuing euery body to bee in bedde, did thinke it nowe high time to make tryall of my pretence, and con­ueying my selfe featly into the Chamber, and then comming to the bedde side (with a soft and lowe voyce) I beganne to perswade thys young Mayden (as I had thought) that shée shoulde not stande in doubt or feare of him who was come vnto her onely for good will, whom loue and liking had made bolde and hardie, to request some curtesie and kind­nesse at her handes, and heere-withall, throwing one of mine armes ouer her, I beganne to hunte after her lyppes, and to haue bestowed of her a louing kisse.

But my wife, whose cunning had serued her to traine me into this mistaking, could tell howe to be haue her selfe in the rest, to confirme mee in mine error: for, although she would render me no manner of spéeches, whereby I might discouer her by her voice, yet in the rest of her demeanure she counterfeited so cunningly, such a kind of maydenly nycitie, that a man would rather haue taken her for some young ig­norant puny, that had neuer dealt the cardes, than for an old beaten gamster, that knewe well enough howe to make the stakes: for although shee knewe what it was whereat I le­uelled, and was most desirous to haue had me hit the marke, yet she delayed mee off with a counterfeit kinde of striuing, [Page] and would neuer yéelde, tyll seeming for want of breath shee was not able to resist, and then panting (as it were to take the ayre) shee seemed to [...] ouercome (as it were) by force: and [...] that was not be [...]er able to discerne of Cats in the darke, but that they were all gray, feasted my selfe with a fulsome repast, in steede of a dayntie dish, for blinde con­c [...]it had gyuen mee an appetite to feede on that dyet, which if I had séene, woulde quickly haue cloyed my stomacke: but hauing well satis-fied my selfe, and that I was now at leysure to looke into mine owne fortune, and consi­dering what perrill might ensue for a little pleasure past, if the wench shoulde fortune to complayne of that one nights lodging fortie wéekes after, the which would not onely redounde to my great shame and reproch, but lyke enough to fall out to my wracke and vtter vndooing, her Father beeing an able and wealthye man, that woulde not let to seeke reuenge; to preuent these and other mis­chiefes, I did bethinke me of this deuise.

I had a lusty young fellowe to my man, called Rafe, about the age of foure or fiue and twentie yeeres, whom I had left to sée to my Myll nowe in myne absence: this Companion I knewe woulde be pat for my purpose, and one I was sure that woulde neuer flynch, to spende hys sir pence at his drinke or his dra [...]be: and calling to minde an olde president, drawne from one of myne owne coate, I meane, from the Miller that had taught hys man to counter­feit so long, tyll hee was hanged vp in hys Maysters roome, I determined with my selfe likewise, to make mine own man the instrument that should stand betwéene mee and all future mischiefes.

Héere-uppon fayning an occasion to goe looke to my Mill, and taking my leaue for the instant with a kisse, I came where my man was, and questioning with him of many idle matters, amongst the rest I demaunded of him how he lyked of the young mayden?

Mary Mayster (sayde hee) I doo lyke so well of her, that I woulde thinke it a most happie turne for men of [Page] our occupation, if all the diuelles of hell were such as she is, because there are very few Millers that doo vse to goe to hea­uen: and then if hell were no [...]rse surnished tha [...] with such, I [...]old not care if I did take my iourney thether-wards to morrowe so soone as it were day.

Why Rafe (sayd I) thou knowest where she lyeth in the guest Chamber, & what wilt thou giue me if I turne thee in to her, and giue thee instruction howe thou shalt behaue thy selfe, that shee shall not refuse to render courtesie for thy kindnesse. I coulde scarce make an ende of my wordes, but my man, as if he had stayed too long, hastily aunswered.

Maister, I haue nothing in the world, but a shéepe and a Lambe, which (as you knowe) doo goe in the Mill close, per­fourme your words, and I [...] giue you them both, and that with all my heart.

I reioycing in mine owne conceit, to thinke howe kindly I had coosoned my man, would néedes clappe handes wyth him for the better confirmance of the bargaine: the which beeing thus agréede on betwéene vs, I wylled him to goe in­to the Chamber, and without any feare [...]o get to the maydes bed, and there to vse no manner of spéeches, but to worke all his enterprises, but onely by dumbe perswasions.

But will you sée howe cunning was heere caught in his owne nette: I had thought to haue coosoned my man, but he kist me kindly for my acquaintance, and (according as I had directed him) into the Chamber he went, where my wife in the darke could no better discerne betwéene me and my man, than I was able before to iudge betwéene her and the maid: but he, vsing no wordes because I had so instructed him, and she forbearing to speake for [...]arring her owne Market, but thus in sylence betwéene them, I was coosoned on both sides, for they agréede so well together, that I thinke they were loath to part, for my man séemed to like so well of hys entertaynment, that the day was ready to breake, before hée would leaue his game. My wife on the other side, in condi­tion like vnto those, that when they haue sped well, cannot keepe their owne counsaile: shee gat her selfe vp immediatly [Page] after, and then calling the young maiden, who had slept qui­etly all night, knowing nothing how matters had passed a­mongst vs, and the day light being by this time a little clea­red vp, betwéen my man [...] I we sette her vpon her horse, with her sacke of meale vnder her: and she gyuing me harty thanks for my curtesie, departed thus towards her Fathers house.

Héere beganne Rafe and I againe to recreate our selues with the remembrance of our nights pleasure, I smild in my [...]éeue to think how I had cosoned my man: my man laugh­ed to remember how he had deceiued the maide: and béeing thus together in the midst of our sports, in comes my Wife, séeming by her countenaunce to be as merry as the best, and taking me by the hand, she prayed me to goe in with her, I thinking she had somewhat to say, comming into the house, shee had prouided for my breakefast a warme caudle dainti­lie made, with a couple of Chickins rosted, and stoode hote vppon the Table. I that sawe this extraordinary diet, mer­uailing what conceite was gotte into her head: asked her what myght be the cause of thys her suddaine kindnesse: she that lookt me in the face as wantonly as if she had come late­ly where the frolike had runne rounde about the house, aun­swered me thus.

Byr lady husband you haue taken paynes to night, and I perceiue you are not yet so farre ouer spent, but that you are worth the cherishing: you haue deserued a better break­fast then thys: for he that hath watcht as you haue doone all night, had neede be well comforted in the morning. These suspicious words thus deliuered by my wife, brought mee well neere into the fitte of an Ague: but beeing desirous to be better satis-fied in her meaning, I said.

And what paynes haue I taken thys night, more then I haue doone at other tymes? I haue watched manie a night before thys, when I found no such kindnes at your hande in the morning.

Husband (said shee) how so euer you haue watched in times past, I know not, but this nights labor hath deserued [Page] no lesse then a comfortable [...], and in st [...]d of Potato rootes, I haue made you a warme Caudle next your hart: be not ashamed man of that you haue doon [...], for it was I that supplyed the young wenche [...]lace night in the guest Chamber, and it was you that came thether and playde the propper man. But I thinke husband, how soeuer you haue ouer-reached me before, I haue cryed quittance with you to night. And nowe comfort your selfe whilst your meate is warme, plucke vppe your stomake and fall to your break­fast.

I that was not able with patience to endure her words, bursting out in choller, saide. The deuill take thée and thy breakefast, for thou hast giuen me a breakfast and a dynner to, that will stick in my stomacke whilst I liue. And going my way in this chafe into my Myll, where my man percei­uing my suddaine passion, demaunded of me the cause of my vnquietnes? Uilaine (said I) thy selfe art the cause why I am thus perplexed, for thou hast lyne with my Wife: I Maister (sayd he) you are much deceiued, and I protest I would not doo you so much [...]rong, for so much corne as wold fill the Hopper.

Thou hast doone it (sayd I) for she hath confest it vnto me, and it was she that did lye to night in the outer Chamber in the young wenches roome. That was more then I knew of (sayd my man,) but sith it was so, I will haue my Sheepe and my Lambe againe, for the bargaine was betweene vs, that you should haue sent me in to the Maide, and I vppon thys condition, promised you my Sheepe & my Lambe, but sith you haue broke your promise, by Saint Anne I will not stand to my bargaine.

These speeches of thys varlet, dyd more vexe and grieue me then before: and yet I wist not how I should be reuen­ged, nor better remedy could I deuise, but after I had frea­ted my fill, I commaunded the knaue to take his shéepe and his Lambe, and presently to gette him out of my seruice, nor neuer after to come within my doores, nor into any other place in my wiues company.

[Page]Thys gaule of griefe continually fretting and gnawing in my conscience, myght haue beene thought a sufficient pu­nishment though Rigore hymselfe had pronounced the sen­tence: but my terrestiall penaunce not enough to appease the angry Goddes, they haue decreed thys finall conclusion: that as I was the author of myne owne harmes by myne owne blindnesse, so mine owne hornes shall for euermore so grow in myne owne light, that béeing not able to discerne which way or how to direct my steppes, I should wander in this solitary place, bereft of all other societie, and so to conti­nue world without end.

The Woman that stoode by all thys whyle, and had gy­uen attentiue eare to thys discourse, striken as it shold séeme into some remorse, vpon what consideration I know not, but thus she sayd.

Alas poore Myller, if thy punishment be so greeuous for a small escape ignorantly committed, woe is mee to be-thinke what shall betide to an infinite number y ^t are dai­lie infected with thys common calamitie, this horne-plague I meane, the generall sicknes of our time: a maladie that hath so much infected both Citty, Towne, and Country, that there are few places free, which are not spiced heere & there, with this forked generation: amongst the which there be a number of honest Gentlemen, some of them my verie good fr [...]nds and customers, whose hornes doth hang so much in theyr own lights, that they are well contented to suffer theyr wiues to pranke themselues vp in euery new fashion, wher­by to set thēselues to sale, & to make open show how lightly they are disposed: but the horne-plague shal neuer depart his house, that hath his wife so garishly inclined.

But alas for pitty, what shall become of a number of kind harted Wittoles, that will not onely be contented to hoode winke themselues from theyr Wiues adulteries, but also to become Bawdes and Brokers, yea and some­times will not sticke to keepe the doores, whilst their Wiues shall bee within, playing the harlots wyth theyr custo­mers.

[Page]Blame not me that am touched with some remorse, for these be the people that I doe liue by, for what shoulde I doe with my new- [...]ed trashe, if there were not as lycenci­ous Women to buy them? And why should they [...] them­selues so Curtisan-like to the view of the world, but to ma­ni [...]est their vnchast appetites, that they might be the rather desired of men.

The woman had no sooner ended these spéeches, but she as suddainly burst out into such a vehement laughter, that for the time, she was not able to deliuer a word: but in the end, with much a doe, recouering the vse of her tongue, shée sayd: Now truely I cannot chuse but laugh to think of my husbande, howe ill fauoured he will looke with such a payre of spectakles hanging ouer hys browes as thys Myller hath gotte.

Wée that stoode by, and were more mindfull to see an end of our trauailes then disposed to prolong the time in idle­nes: I asked of the Miller if he did knowe where abouts the place of Purgatory was, or if he could giue vs any direction which way we myght gette thither, he answered thus.

My good Freendes, what soeuer you be, you shall vn­derstande, that thirtie yeeres and odde are already ouer pas­sed sith I first frequented these infernall pathes, in which meane space, though I haue not been able to discerne mine owne footesteppes, yet by the reports of sundry trauailers that hath passed these waies, I haue learned thus much con­cerning Purgatory.

The persons that were the first founders of the place, were not perfectly sighted, but like as the Owle which can­not abide the light of the Sunne, flyeth euermore in y ^e night, so those men, not able to endure that excellent brightnesse which is the onely true light to euery perfect vnderstanding, framing all theyr platformes in obscuritie and darknesse, a­mongst other idle inuentions, woulde needes take vppon them the building of Purgatorie. The place where they had seated it, was so obscured with such fogges and filthy mystes, that no man that had the perfect vse of hys wittes, [Page] was euer able to find the situation. The foundation wheron it was layd, was lyes and foolish fantasies, the rest of the [...] buildings, was dreames and doting deuises. All the whole edifice, was of such lyght and rotten stuffe, that after they had beene two or thrée hundred yéeres patching & pee­cing it together, a poore silly Swaine naked and thred bare, called Trueth, blowing against the building but with a little blast of breath, the gale was of such force against it, that the whole matter & substance, together with the Founders, Pa­trons, Proctors, Protectors & Defenders, were al blown im­mediatly into Hell: so that who soeuer he be that séeketh for Purgatory, there hee shall be sure to finde it: and for these thirty yeeres that I haue wandred in these places, there ne­uer came any to enquire after it but madde men and fooles.

Why then sayd I (to our companion that stoode by with hys Candle,) I perceiue you had some reason to bring light with you when you came to séeke Purgatory, sith the place is so darke and so daintie to be found. But nowe you know assuredly where you may finde it, your Candle will stand you in some steede to light you to Hell.

Hée breaking out into sundry passions, some-times ra­ging against the Myller, saying that he was but an ignorant and a lying Heretique: then calling to his memory the long tyme he had spent in seeking of Purgatory, hee beganne as vehemently to rayle against the Pope, and as bitterly to ex­claime against hys Iesuites and Seminaries, that had promi­sed to instruct hym in the high way to Heauen, and directlie sent him the verie next way to Hell.

In these angry fittes hee blewe out hys Candle, and throwing it from him, was contented to hold vs companie in the rest of our iourny.

Whilst we were wandering thus together, we had not paced the distance of a furlong, but we might heare the sounde of a Horne, which was blowne with such shrilnesse, that the [...]ho redoubled againe in the ayre, and looking a­bout vs, we might perceiue a farre of, where one came ry­ding post all in black as fast as his horse was able to fling, [Page] and with his quicke speede immediatly passing by vs, wee knewe him by his balde pate and his Coule hanging at hys backe, that he was a fatte squaddy Monke, that had beene well fedde in some Cloyster, who with his great haste was suddainly out of our sights: and we had not trauailed farre, but we might see Hell gates standing wide open, with a­boundaunce of people that were flocking out of all quarters, preasing in as thicke, as if in the Terme time they were thronging to Westminster Hall. And presently we might be­hold a cleere auoydance in the gates, and a multitude com­ming foorth, with Belles, with Banners, with Torches, with Crosses and with Copes, in a very solemne manner of Procession, singing Salue festa dies.

Wee standing still in a gaze as they passed by, I deman­ded of one of the traine what myght be the meaning? Who answered mée that there was a Post newly come frō Rome, with newes that the Popes Legate was hard at hand, with some great Cmbassage: and that solemnitie was onely to entertaine him, to shew what reuerence they dyd beare to hys Maister. The thronge that followed was so e [...]ding, that we were mightily shouldered to and fro amongst the company, but V [...]luet breeches & I, determining to see what would follow, we tooke the one the other by the hand, folow­ing in the prease til at length this holy Legate was seene where he was cōming, so that it was not long but they met. The Legate y ^t was a chuffe-headed Cardinall with a paire of fulsome cheekes, stretched out like one that were playing on a bag-pipe, alighted from his palfry, and presenting him­selfe before Lucifer, who was there in place to receiue him, he fel down vpon his knées, praying the Prince of darknesse, to bestow his fatherly benediction vpon the Popes holines, hys thiefe Uicar & Uizegerent vpon earth: the only man that he was especially beholding vnto, who sent him from time to time whole Millions of soules for the increasing of his king­dome: from whom I am sent with matters of much impor­tance to be héere considered of, and whose person in this place I d [...] now represent.

[Page] Lucifer lyfting vp one of hys pawes, and waging it ouer t [...]e Legates head, sayd: That blessing that God gaue vnto Caine for the killing of hys Brother Abel, lyght vppon thy Maister and hys successours for euer. Then taking hym by the arme, he sayd.

Stand vppe, for considering whose Embassadour thou art, it were an embacing to thine estate, if thou shouldest shew any signe of humility or lowlines. Thou d [...]st héere represent the person of Antechrist, whose pride coulde neuer yet surrender it selfe to any manner of obedience, I will not therefore in this place y ^t any thing be imbeiseled, that might derogate the least dignity from that Chayre of pe [...]ilence, I meane the holy Sea of Rome.

Then was there brought foorth a most stately Chayre, which was prepared of purpose, in which Chayre Ambition and Pryde hauing placed the Cardinall, olde Ignorance and young Obstinacy, (the one blind, the other froward,) taking it vpon theyr shoulders, as if the Pope himselfe were carried in his Pontificalibus, and then a rich & sumptuous Canapie béeing spred ouer him, and borne by foure supporters, which were, Idolatry, Hipocrisie, Heresie, and Blasphemy, thus in this pompious manner (beeing placed in the Procession next Lucifer himselfe) they returned to Hell, whose gates I no­ted to be so large and spacious, that a Princes Army though it were martialed in any proportion of battayle, with Fyl­lets, Troupes and Winges, might well haue marched in without any manner of dysorder. And although the inner roomes did so excéede in greatnes, that it passeth humaine reason to conceiue of them aright, yet he that should behold the aboundance of people that resorte thether daily, and the infinite number that are there to be séene flocking in euerie corner therof, wold more wonder to thinke what place could so containe them.

Béeing thus come into Hell, they went to the Chappel, where Pope Hildebrand the first founder of Trasubstantia­tion was ready to say Masse, the which béeing ended, Sa­than (who can in no wise endure the deferring of matters [Page] that dooth concerne his owne estate, went immediatly into the Conuocation house, where calling about him a most ab­hominable company of Popes, Cardinals, Bishops, Pry­ors, Abbots, and other Clergy men, that hath beene for this foure or fiue hundred yéeres, still of his priuie Counsaile, the Legate was willed to deliuer the effect of his message, who making hys entrance with a breefe Dration, tending to the commendation of the Popes carefulnesse, how many strata­gemes he had endeuoured against Englande, Fraunce, and Ireland, for the better establishing of the Kingdome of Ante­christ in those places: and he was nowe to let them vnder­stand, first for England. Where he had thought to haue ac­complished hys purposes by the meanes of his Iesuites and Seminaries, whom he sent thether in flockes, to [...]drawe the people from theyr obedience, to styrre them to sedition, rebellion and vprore: to practise treasons against theyr So­ueraigne, yea and to vndertake many horrible enterprises against the person of the Prince, whom God hath stil migh­tilie defended, not onely preseruing her from their traiterous practises, but likewise hath so reuealed the conspiracies of the practisers, that from time to time they haue béen still ap­prehended, and so sent to Tyburne, to say In manus tuas.

Béeing therefore exempted from all manner of hope to find any good successe in these former platformes, his Holi­nesse craueth your Hellish instructions, what course hee might now follow for the recouery of that Country.

For Fraunce, it would aske a long time héere to be dys­coursed, what trecheries, what treasons, what mischieues, what murthers, and what massacres hys Holines hath there from time to time effected: and although hee hath now stir­red vppe hys vassaile the King of Spayne, who hath from the dignitie of a magnificent Prince, surrendred himselfe to be­come a slaue to the Pope, to come and goe as he appoints him, and to be the executor of all his damnable deuises, and hath hys forces nowe in that Countrey, in the assistance of Traytors and Rebels, against theyr naturall Prince and lawfull King: yet hys Holines can haue no assured hope [Page] to suppresse the light of the Gospell retayned among [...] them, or vtterly to subuert the professors of it, without some diuel­lish deuise, platted and contriued from this infernall pitte of hell.

Nowe lastly for Ireland, if that Countrey might still bee continued in that state as it now standeth, there were many hopes to be expected, not necessary in this place to bee openly reuealed: for although the naturall people of that Countrey, (yea euen in the most barbarous places) be of thēselues very zealously inclyned, & without all peraduenture, would casily be drawn [...]o the true knowledge and worship of God, if they had such a Minister amongst them, as might instruct them, aswell i [...] wholesome doctrine, as in good example of l [...]e: but the [...] so well prouided for the place, that the whole Country [...]ooth swarme with Iesuits, Seminaries, and massing Priests, yea, and Fryers, that haue recourse into Dublyne it selfe, and these doo kéepe such a continuall and daylie buzing in the poore peoples eares, that they are not onely ledde from all duety and obedience of theyr Prince, but also drawne from God by superstitious Idolatrie, and so brought head­long by heapes into hell: for through the whole Countrey, the people are so confidently perswaded in the doctryne of Antechrist, that they thinke our Lord will doo nothing with­out the mediation of our Lady, of Mary, or of Iohn. And to speak truly of the Clergy of that Realme, if there be one that séeketh to vpholde the glory of God, there is ten for that one that séeketh to vpholde the kingdome of Antechrist; neyther is it to be doubted, but that there be some fewe, which both in preaching and lyuing she weth all sinceritie and godlynesse of life: but there be a number of others, which neither say nor doo, neither preach well, nor liue well. Some other there be that now and then will get vp into a Pulpit, and there they will spend an howre, chyding against the Pope in the course of their speaking, and they are no sooner come down but they will de [...]e God himselfe halfe a yéere after, in the manner of theyr lyuing: and this example of theyr vngodly behauiour, is no little corrasiue to weake consciences, that doo beholde [Page] their wickednes. For what is it for a Clergy man, be he Par­son, be he Vicar, be he Deacon, be he Archdeacon, be he By­shop, be he Archbishop, or let him be what he wil, if he be one that will rather endeuour himselfe to fléece his flocke than to feed it, that hath not so much care of the children of God, com­mitted to his charge, which he suffereth dayly to perish: as he hath to prouyde marriages for his own children, in theyr very infancie, and when they are vnder age: that dooth builde houses, and purchase rents by corruption, extortion, and briberie, that dooth eat and drinke the sinnes of the igno­rant people dayly at his table: that will not admit of a par­don from the Pope, yet dares not bée without fiue or six se­uerall pardons from the Prince, for treason, for murther, for theft, for robbery, for conspyracy, for confederacy, for rasyng, for forging, for extortion, for bryberie, and for many other filthy matters, shamefull to be spoken off, were it not before this haggish assembly: and what though from a base and beggerly parentage, he could shewe himselfe lofty in minde, lofty in lookes, and lofty in all the rest of his demeanures: Would not such a Prelate be fit for the deuilles Chappell? The Legat had no sooner made an end of these latter words, but in comes Dick Tarlton, apparrelled like a Clowne, and singing this péece of an olde song.

This suddaine iest brought the whole company into such a vehement laughter, that not able agayne to make them kéepe silence, for that present ty [...]e they were faine to breake vppe: and as Veluet breeches and I were walking arme in arme through the prease, wee fortuned to méete with Com­mens, one that some fewe yéeres agoe, had béene a Sargeant in London, who no sooner espyed Veluet breeches, but hee got vp a fire-brand, wherewith he gaue hym such a stroake ouer the shoulders, that the coales flewe all about the place. Veluet breeches againe vppe with his fist, and gaue hym [Page] such a blowe vnder the eare, that had lyke to haue stryken him ouer: with this they closed, and beganne to pommell one an other as fast as theyr fists coulde walke, the compa­ny that stoode by beganne to cry Clubbes, Clubbes, Clubbes, and immediatly they came rushing in about vs, wyth [...]lesh-hookes, with Coale rakes, wyth Fyre-forckes, and with such other furniture, as a man would haue thought were all come out of a Kytchin: and wyth some little a-doe they parted the fray, and the partyes were presently by the Officers brought before Lucifer, and I beeing a straunger in the place, was lykewise carryed with them for company: where Commens be [...]ing charged to bee the first Authour of the broyle, in his owne excuse ren­dred this reason.

I was (sayde hée) sometimes an Officer vnder the Sheriffes of London, and beeing féede by a Towns man to arrest Veluet breeches, I was brought vnto him where hée was in a Barbers shoppe, sitting with a Bason before hym, full of sopie water, wherewith the Barber was rubbing hys chéekes, and dashing of hym about the lippes, and I seeing hym thus in trymming, thought of curtesie to forbeare the dooing of myne offyce, tyll the Barbar had ended his bu­sinesse, and setting my selfe downe without any worde speaking, Veluet breeches by chaunce espying my Mace vnder my Gowne, suspecting a-ryght the cause of my comming, suddaynelie (before I was a-ware of hym) threwe all the water so directly in my face, that the Sope getting into myne eyes, did so smart and grieue mee, that for my life I was not able to holde them o­pen: But whilst I stoode starke blinde for the tyme, wyping and rubbing of myne eyes, Veluet breeches packt himselfe out of the doores, that I could neuer after come where hee was tyll thys present, and I vowed then to bee reuenged of him the next time that euer I sawe him: and I am now to craue the priuiledge of the place, for it is di­rectly against our auncient custome, that there should be any quarrels or controuersies taken vp héere, or that there should [Page] be found any peace-makers in hell: with this the whole mul­titude began to growe into an vprore, and they fell immedi­a [...]lie to taking of parts: and first there stood vp in Commens behalfe, a great number of cruell creditors, crafty Lawyers, Merchants, Retaylers, S [...]ners, Broakers, and a most shamefull and filthy company of vsurers.

Veluet breeches on the other side, he wanted no friends, for there were a great many that knew him: and those that tooke hys part, were swashers, swearers, whore-maisters, théeues, robbers, ruffyans, roysters, and coosoners.

As they were growing into this commotion amongst themselues, there were gathered together an infinite num­ber of Cony-catchers, which came to take part with Veluet breeches: who séeing me to stand by, they beganne to growe into confused exclamations against mée, some saide, let vs teare the villaine in péeces, that hath written so many bookes against vs: other sayde, let vs fley of his skinne, and cut the the [...] from his bones in small gobbets, that hath so mani­fested the secrets of our trade and profession, to the world: some other sayde, let vs cut the tongue out of his head, and put out both his eyes, that hath béene an enemie to the arte of Cony-catching, and hath so shamefully inueyed against the practises; Then came there foorth an infinite number of wo­men Cony-catchers, and they sware they would geld me, for marring theyr Market, and hindering them of theyr taking. Thus was I threatned on all sides, euery man stoode won­dering at mée, no man to take my part: But Lucifer percei­uing the cause of their griefes, by the manner of their cla­mors, & willing to appease their passions with any punish­ment, commaunded mee presently to bee thrust foorth of hell gates and charging me so to remaine a restlesse spirite, wan­dering through the world, and neuer after to make any re­turne agayne to that place.

Thus for the writing of bookes, I was first banished frō Heauen for my ouer much parciallitie, and nowe exiled from hell, for my too much plainnesse: I remayne now (as I haue tolde you) a walking spyrite, restlesse and remedilesse to wan­der [Page] through the world; I woulde therefore wish my friends to beware howe they walke late a nights, for I will bee the maddest Gobline, that euer vsed to walke in the Moone­shine. For I will sometimes bee a spirite of the Buttery, and I will so intoxicate their heades, that doo frequent the places of my haunt, that at night they shall not be able to find the way to their beds, tyll they haue taken their first sleepe on the flore.

Sometimes I will bee Robin Goodfellowe, and will méete with a wanton wench in a darke corner, and let her blesse and crosse her selfe as well as she can, I will put her in such a bodily feare, that for fortie wéekes after, shee shall thinke that young bugges are crawling in her belly.

Sometimes I will shew such dreames & vysi [...]ns to wo­men whilst they be sleeping, that they shall make theyr Hus­bands Cu [...]ds when they are waking.

Sometimes I will trans-forme my selfe into diuers shapes, and will walke through all trades, all [...], and all occupations, and some I will infect with the spirite of A­uarice, some with miserie, some with deceipt and all manner of subtiltie, that they shall leaue no practise vnsought for, whereby to rake and gather pelfe, to leaue to theyr heyres, that the olde Prouerbe might bee verified: Happy are those children, whose Fathers goe to the deuill.

In the Tearme time, I will be in Westminster hall a­mongst the Lawyers, whome I will make so capable in the quyllityes of the Lawe, that they shall coosen twentie Cly­ents of theyr coyne, before they will bring one to an ende of hys cause; and will not sticke nowe and than to get me vp to the bench, amongst the Iudges themselues, to let them tast a little of the swéetnesse of corruption.

You may easily thinke that I meane to frequent the Court, where I will oppose my selfe a professed enemi [...] a­gainst Good desart, and let him come thether and pl [...]e his many yéeres seruice in the warres: let him shew his [...] and maymes, gotten in his Countreys defence: let [...] sig­nifie his time and patr [...]ony spent in his Princes quarrell, [Page] to maintayne himselfe, and to reléeue such as were about him: or let him pretend many other indeuours, in the seruice of hys Soueraigne, that might worthily mooue a fauourable con [...]eration, if there shall bee founde one that will affoorde him a fauourable looke, or a comfortable sp [...]ch, there shall be two for that one to requite him with disdainfull counte­nance, and churlish checkes.

I will not tell all, howe grieuous I will be to Largesse and Lyberallitie, nor how miserable I will shew my selfe in shutting vp of the Prin [...] bountie: Let this suffice, hée that shall become a Suter at the Court, without golde in his purse to [...]ée a brybing Groome, let him looke for small grace in his sutes: for I will strike such a deafenesse into the eares of the Clarkes and Secretaries, appertayning to great men, that when a penylesse Suter comes vnto them with cap and curtesie, they shal not vnderstand what the [...]oole meaneth, nor be able to heare one worde that he speaketh, without a bribe. I might marre all if I should tell all, how I ment to be stirre my selfe amongst the Courtiers of all sorts, but they say, Enough is as good as a Feast.

The Cleargy must not thinke to escape me scotfrée, for I must néedes be acquainted with these double beneficed men, and wil many times conuerse with such as be Non residents; and sometimes I will get vp into the Pulpit and preach, but you may easily discerne mée, for my text shall be, Doo as I say, but not as I doo; My conclusion is, Good friends take heede how you come in those places where I walke, for you may perceiue I am bent vpon mischiefe, I can but therefore wish you to looke to your selues: and so fare you well.