Actus primus. Scena prima.

Sir, I am sent from Mr. Mixum, your Apothecary, to give attendance on you.

Your name is Vrinall, I take it?

you take my name by the right end sir, my father was a brother of master Mixum's function: marry my mother told me a Doctor got me, for professions sake I hope you'l use me kindly.

Doubt not good Vrinall, if thou beest not crack'd canst thou hold water.

Well, that is, bee secret, insooth husband, the young man will be very good at a dead lift, to serve our patients turnes, he has a promising countenance.

A good subsidy face mistris, but master Mixum has cer­tified me, that hither come Ladies and gentlewomen, City wives and country wives, and the better sort of saylors wives: Nay wives of all sorts, but Oyster wives, some to have the fal­ling sicknesse cur'd, others the inflammation of the blood, the Consumption of the body and lungs; if I doe not to any man or woman administer a glister, vomit, potion, Iulip, Cordiall, or what physicke your worship shall thinke fit, with dexterity, say I am no sound Vrinall, and beat me to pieces.

I believe thee, but did Tom Mixum give you nought in charge to say to me?

O yes sir, hee had mee tell you hee had a fat Goose in the pens, only for your pulling: a yunker of a thousand pound per annum.

Sayst so, what is he; knowest thou?

I saw him sir, he was a propenman: but I thinke has not much more wit then my selfe, he seemes of a good [...]ane dis­position, and may I believe, be led by the nose as quietly as the tamest Beare in the garden: he has not wit enough to be a knave, [Page] nor manhood enough to be an honest man: this is my [...] of him sir, when you see him you'l understand him better.

Now you are in't perhaps it is, what meane you?

Pish, seeme not to obscure, is it not in plaine termes, a house of ease.

Surely this gentleman comes to take a purge, hee talkes so eleanely.

No goe to the next Justice for a warrant, and make haste, be sure Ile have the knave smoak'd for abusing my house.

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Now I desie thee for a Rascall [...] Vrinall why run you not to the Justice, his man would have taken your money ere this time.

Yes sir, she lies in the yellow chamber, and has done this two months.

I did believe it.

Nay you may believe mee if you will: I know neither Lady Yellow, nor yellow chamber, I have not beene here above halfe an houre.

Sure sent this fellow hither, he's so unman­nerly, silence Vrinall, what if that Lady have a chamber here sir?

Now he comes to the purpose.

Nay speake directly suppositions: include a doubtfull sence, if she have not, I shall repent the error of my language and crave your mercy.

Hang him young whisling, he know a Lady, pity of his life first.

Doe as I bid you: Vrinall attend your mistris in.

As any woman else is for my money, onely I must con­fesse, I have an itch, a tickling thought to her before the rest of common prostitutes: I know she'l lodge in none but vitious [Page] houses, which inforces me thinke yours is so.

My chamber, sure your manners lies in your berd, what doe you take me for?

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Ile cut off their discourse, if [...] be right ile have my benefit out of her: Dalinea attend her Ladyship, Madam I feare you take cold here, your Sister, Mistris Know [...] worth expects you too within; Gentlewoman you cannot complaine you have been us'd uncivilly; pray now depart, tis time.

They may returne to the wise man my husband, from whom I'm sure they come, and tell him my disposition, ha, ha, ha.

Is this he? would you have ought with me sir?

Amon Deui, this is the Doctor: Foutra I would faine speake to him, Sir I should bee happy to initiate my knowledge in your acquaintance Master Mixum an Apothecary, at whose shop I use to eate Eringo Roots, did recommend me to you.

Honest Tom Mixum, you are welcome; what's your de­signe with me?

Fame does divulge you to be a man experienc'd in the Arts.

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Neen up mine [...]eale min here: ick neet, infection vanish I never was subject to disease, but the gentile itch which I ob­taind in the Low Countries.

I was in hot service certainely.

With licence sir, let me desire your character, I long to know you, Symptomes of worth declare you in my opinion noble.

I shall explaine my selfe by land shape a far off, my father was a Dutch man.

Which makes him looke so like a smoak'd westphalia ham, or dry Dutch pudding.

And one in the conspiracy with Barnevet, at whose hanging he fled ore hither.

And the gentle noose had knit up him, and a hundred of his country men, [...]our land would not be pestred so with butter­boxes.

Thinking to have purchas'd a monopoly for Tobacco: but that the Vintners tooke in snuffe, and inform'd the gallants, who had like to smoak'd him for't.

An admirable project.

Afterwards he undertooke to have drayn'd the Fens, and there was drown'd, and at the ducking time at Crowland drawne up in a net for a widgin.

Pray sir what tribe was he of?

He was no Jew Sir, yet he would take pawnes, and their forfeits too, and has left me such as you see, I am a proper man: a trifling patrimony, a thousand pounds perannum.

I admire no man begs him for a foole, and gets it from him.

May I request your name?

My name is Sconce sir, Master Ier [...]my Sconce, I am a gen­tleman of a good family, and can derive my pedigree from [Page] Duke Alvas time, my ancestors kept the inquisition out of Am­sterdam.

And brought all Sects in thither.

And tooke their surname from Kickin pot, the strongest Sconce in the Netherlands.

An excellent derivation for a Dutch-man, Kickin-pot.

I had a good strong cosen taken in by th' enemy, last summer, Skinks Sconce Mr. Doctor, my cozen german once re­mov'd by a stratagem of hay boats a fire on them.

That should have beene before they came there Master Sconce.

But tis thought our nation had recover'd it ere this, but that the villanous Dunkerkers at sea met with the Herrinbus­ses and made stocke-fish of them.

They beat them soundly then it seemes.

Have you no brothers Mr. Sconce?

Not any that I know of, as I am gentleman, nor was there any of my name till of late, that gallants have begot me name­sakes in every Taverne.

But the businesse you have with me is unrelated yet, and I have haste, pray what may it concerne?

A household matter Mr. Doctor; I would be loath to be accounted troublesome, I should be none of your vulgar guests though: Mixum has inform'd me you have faire lodgings in your house, convenient for ease and pleasure, might I be so much en­gag'd to your goodnesse, as to affoord me a hansome one for my mony, it should be an end earement conspicuously trenching upon my gratitude, and render me your oblig'd servant ever lastingly.

As long as his money lasts, that is

If that be all, for Tom Mixums sake, were chambers scar [...]r, you should not be denyed. Vrinall bring the gentleman into the dining roome, Ile goe acquaint my wife with it.

Vrinall, art thou stil'd Vrinall?

It is my right and title to be term'd so.

Come hither my sweet Rascall, canst keepe councell, there's gold for thee, thou shalt have a new case sirrha, wilt thou be true to me?

I will steale nothing from you Mr. Sconce.

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Thou lookst not like a man of theft, I mean in a designe.

Tis not to convey gold over, in hollow anchors, to pay your Countrimen souldiers; if it be, Ile heare no more of it.

Pish, not that neither. Mixum thou knowst him, dost not?

Twas he preferd me hither.

I did imagin't; my fine Vrinall reports thy Mr. to have the rarest salve.

The weapon salve I warrant.

Which would, if I were desperately hurt, cure mee without a Surgeons helpe.

So I have heard indeed.

Now Vrinall, it is our Countrie Custome onely to Stick or Snee. But couldst thou but procure this pretious salve, I would confront the glistering steele, out-face the sharpest weapon.

My Master is very cautious in parting with it.

Save you gentlemen, belong you to this house?

No sir, this house belongs to us.

Mistris Know-worth, the Lady Yellowes sister, she is not stirring?

Tis a lye sir, she is.

Your wit is very scurvy Sir: if you serve a Creature here to carry messages; pray deliver one to her.

I may chuse whether I will or no though.

Nay, and he shall chuse sir.

Prethee good friend let him; ile doe't my selfe.

Nay, that you shall not neither: what stand I here for? But sir, 'tis not the fashion of this liberall age, to imploy a man of merit in a message without consideration: your Lawyers Clark will not acquaint his Master with a Clyents cause, untill his fist be soundly greas'd: Why may not I then use the priviledge of my office? Sir, wee Doctors men take aurum palpabile for Re­storative: you are not unfurnished sir.

O thou wouldst have money; there's for thee, prethee Intreat her presence.

Instantly, instantly, noble sir, Mr. Sconce pray bear this [Page] worthy gentleman company.

Now in the name of madnesse what [...] this man? Sir are you jealous of your wife before you have her?

What if I be sir.

She may chance Cuckold you after you have her for it.

Good Go [...]combe hold thy pratling.

Coxcombe? how Coxcombe to a naturallis'd Dutch­man? Death sir, shall I blow you downe with my Can; or shew you Twibill.

How Sir?

Nay, bee not angry man, I meant no harme, tis but a complement all salutation, I purchas'd of the Mr. of the Order oth' valiant Knights of the Twibill.

A new Order of Knight-hood, that may I know the in­stitution.

Sir, my Mistris begs your absence.

You had best kisse her double Mr. Sconce.

Lady, serviture vostre & a vous assi Monsieur tresnoble.

He lookes like a squirrill indeed: this way sir.

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Actus secundus. Scena prima.

BUt are you certaine Vrinall this oyntment is Ortho­doxall; may I without errour in my faith believe this same the weapon salve Authenticall?

Yes, and infallibly the creame of weapon salves, the simples which doe concurre to th' composition of it, speake it most sublime stuffe; tis the rich Antido [...]e that scorns the steele, and bids the Iron be in peace with men, or rust: Aurelius Bom­bastus, Paracelsus, was the first inventer of this admirable Un­guent.

He was my Countryman, and held an Errant Conjurer.

The Devill he was as soone: an excellent Naturallist, & that was all upon my knowledge, Mr. Sconce; and tis thought my Mr. comes very neare him in the secrets concerning bodies Physicall, as Herbes, Roots, Plants vegetable and radicall, out of whose quintessence, mixt with some hidden causes, he does ex­tract this famous weapon salve, of which you now are Mr.

There's a Welch Doctor ith' City reported skilfull in compounding it.

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He? a meere Digon a whee▪ his salve, why it is Case­baby to my Masters: I dare be sworne tis nothing but Metheg­ling boyld to jelly, the blades of Leeks, mixt with a Welch Goats blood; then stampt, and straind through a peece of Bri­tish Freese, or one of the old laps of Merlins Jerkin.

Probable Vrinall. That Welch Doctor I doe not like: I did attempt him for the weapon salve, and like a Turke hee an­swer'd me, that Hollanders were Iewes.

They are a rebellious nation that's certaine.

And that the salve was onely made for Christians; there is a City Captaine too; I know not how you stile him.

Not Iohn a Stiles, the Knight of the post is it?

No, no, a very honest gentleman; but he's [...], reported to have atchiev'd the salve in Lapland among the witches, and to be very liberall in imparting it to his friends, an Aldermans daughter Vrinall may, and they say a witty gentlewoman.

Is't possible Mr. Sconce? they have few sonnes of that condition.

Had a desperate hole made in her by a gentleman, with his But-shaft, as in her Country garden he was shooting at Penny pricke; was, when none else could doe it, eur'd by this Captaine.

By this light a trifle, a meere trifle, the very scraping of our Galley-pots performes more monstrous wonders: there was a Puritane Mr. Sconce, who, cause he saw a Surplisse in the Church, would needs hang himselfe in the Bell-ropes.

Why did not the Sexton ring him by the eares for it?

Him my Mr. seeing, did for experience sake anoynt the noose wherein his necke had bin, and it recovered him.

Is't possible he should so easily escape a hanging! but on good Vrinall.

Nay sir Ile tell you a greater miracle: You heard of the great training last Summer master Sconce?

O when the whol: City went in Armes to take in Is­lington; marry I heard the Ale-wives curse the report of their Muskets, it made their Pies and Custards quake ith'Oven, and so come out dow-back't, whìch almost broke the poore Harlots.

I then Mr. Sconce there was at least three-score blown [Page] up with a basket of powder, thirty of their lives my Master sav'd.

Rarer, and rarer yet: But how good Vrinall?

He dress'd the smoake of the powder as it flew up Sir, and it heald them perfectly.

O that any body would blow me up, to see how I could eure my selfe. Still on good Vrinall.

Nay theré, are thousands of this kinde: but now I thinke on it since, it did commit a villanous mischiefe.

Could it ever doe a mischiefe Vrinall?

Yes, yes, it has done a most notorious one, sufficient to exauctorate its power, and almost annihilate the vertu of it.

What was't good Vrinall?

I could e'ne weepe to tell yousir: tis suppos'd twill ne­ver recover the favour of gentlemen and City wits, they are quite out of conoeite with it.

But why should they be so Vrinall?

Prethee what? nay on my gentility Vrinall.

Why sir, it cur'd two Serjeants, and their yeomen.

How? two Serjeants.

Who otherwise had drunke Mace-Ale with the Devill.

A Capitall crime that same, to cure two Serjeants.

I've set him to pull you bird of Paradice, you parcell Dutch: thou sentst him hither too.

I knew he was for your purpose, Mr. Doctor: this is the gentleman I told you had one thousand pound per annum, and would be a match for Mr. Doctors daughter.

There was a touch for him indeed Vrinall.

It will, indeed, now I consider on't, I had rather shee should marry a wealthy gull, than a witty Beggar: Wife and Mr. Mixum, will you discourse a little with the gentleman, [Page] sound his intent and pronenesse to a match, and as you finde him use him; Mr. Sconce I should be glad to wait on you, did not ur­gent affaires withdraw me.

Mr. Doctor I saw you not before: I am sorry sir, you will be gone so soone, I should have chang'd some sillables with you.

Another time sweet Mr. Sconce.

A very good fortune Mrs Arilesse for your daugh­ter, and not to be neglected: shall I speak to him, or will you for sooth?

Perhaps hee'l speake to us: see kind gentleman.

Lady, my manners does command mee leave you: you would perchance be private by your selves, or peradventure V­rinall were more behoofefull for your company: then I adiew Vfroes.

Pray stay sir, we have some businesse with you, (let me alone to trye him Mrs. Artlesse) besides wee had rather be private with a gentleman, then by our selves: they say you Dutch-men are the kindest men, and love a woman heartily, you kisse so finely too.

You shall feel that presently

there was a touch for you: Nay Mrs. Artlesse you shall not blame my manners, I have a lip, a piece for you

and there was a touch for you Lady.

So please you sir, I have another touch for you too,

Must trie his disposition Mrs. Artlesse.

A very strong touch that same; she will beleaguer me I thinke, and her Cannon shot will bee kisses, they almost blow mee over. Surely the Minikin is enamoured on me.

Motion it to him Mrs. Mixum.

Pray give me leave to feele his minde first, Mistris Artlesse: Tis pitty sir, you are so long unmarried; you are an exceeding handsome Gentleman.

Yes, yes, I know that well enough, I might serve for a gentleman Usher, were my legges small enough: there are Ladies would consume halfe the revenews of their Lords, on such a man of Chine and pith as I am.

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Fie master Sconce, thinke not of Ladies sir, they are so imperious, a man must serve them as they doe command, at every turne and toy comes in their head; they'l puffe and fret else, like their taffata peticoats withoften brushing up; I will protest to you, you had better set you minde upon some honest country Gentlewoman, or Citizens daughter, Master Doctor has a handsome girle (though I say it before her mothers face) only she wants the audacity, which a man would put into her; would you were married to her: Sir, she may doe worse, I dare assure you.

Yes indeed may you master Sconce, have you not seene her yet? tis a pretty puling baggage, so it is, marry ere I would make her a Lady, shee should be a new Exchage wench, your Citizens wives they are the goodest creatures, live the finest lives.

Very right, mistris Artlesse, good soules, did you but know sir, what tender hearts they have, how kind they will be to a gentleman that comes to deale for their commodities, they will use him and it were their owne husbands.

Ile lay my life this musk-melon has a minde to use mee so: I care not much to give her a touch, or so, she's of the right sise, but Mistris Artlesse should I have your good will, if I could love your daughter.

Certainely sir, were you of English blood, I should like you better.

Fie Mistris Artlesse, when I was a maid, I had a desire to be a kinne to all nations: I have tried some English men, and they are like my husband, meere meacocks verily: and cannot lawfully beget a childe once in seaven yeares.

A touch, by this light, that's the reason there are so many bastards in the city.

Your Spaniard as a neighbour of mine, told me who had liv'd among, is too hasty, he will not give a woman time to say her prayers after she is bed: your French is with a woman as with an enemy, soone beaten off, but mistris Artlesse, if you will marry your daughter to the most compleat man, let him be Dutch: they are the rarest men at multiplication, they will doe it so readily.

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They be indeed very good Arithmeticians.

Here comes the Ladies: Mistris Mixum we'l de­part, they must not know our conference.

A diew kinde master Sconce.

Adiew min vroen, I have a pestilent mind to this talking harlotry, I will to her, but if I should obtain the Neapolitan be­neach, a creeke ith'backe, or so, from her, 'twould be but a sour­vy touch, that for me, I should be forc'd to swim ith tub for it, or be hang'd by the armes, and smoak'd like a bloat herring, I had forgot my pretious salve, should I be serv'd so, 'twere but dres­sing the weapon that hurt mee (which I can have at any time) and be sound agen, ha other donsella's: Madams, they are crea­tures of Plush, and Sattin, Ile accost them.

This is the gentleman I told you of, I wonder what his quality may be, our Landlord the Doctor is a much fam'd man, and surely very honest.

He meanes to speake surely in cringes.

Madametres puissant en lecommand. de touts ceurs de cest monde, ie que sui semond & invite en tant de lieux que ie ne scay [...]u aller pour abrir mon sayn: a vn bewtie digne de mon acceptance.

He supposes it, prithee answer him sister.

I feare he has mischiev'd him.

You thinke you have hurt me wonderfully I warrant.

Good sir be more your selfe.

Give me thy hand, tis but a touch ith arme man, thou art a valiant fellow, I warrant thee a right twibiller, run a tilt at a man before his weapon is drawne, your, Lady would not have don't I me sure, but tis no matter, thou hast done me a curtesie, or otherwise I should not take't so patiently, (I shall by this meanes experience my precious weapon salve) hold, thou wilt fight no more, there's a twibill for thee, thy sword Ile keepe till wee next meet, Ladies beso los doights de vostre blanch mains, a­diew comrade remember I am beholding to thee.

He's gone, but has left his hanger behinde him.

O me unfortunate woman.

Good sir will you walke? the gentleman hee's in a ter­rible sweat, should he stand still, he may chance catch an Ague.

A Cardus posset were very soveraigne for him, I per­ceive his fit is comming.

How doe you husband, sweet heart, what not speake? I thought your jealousie ere this had driven you into France, but now I see you feare to bee sea-sicke, you have found mee out it seemes; I hope ere long you will provide Gossips for the child I goe with, marke you ducke.

My cosen Harry Popingay; I cry your mercy sir: your good mother knowes, and grieves Ime sure, to see her brother wrong me as he does: should I tell her how you dealt with mee too, she would chide you soundly.

Your goodnesse Madam will forgive it on my submission and sorrow for it.

Weel beg it for you sir.

Madam, my mother does entreat your Ladyships com­pany in your chamber, Mrs. Mixum has brought the conserves my father did appoint her.

Nephew pray see us oftner, and use all meanes to gaine your distracted uncle from his frensie, sister shall's walke; Dali­nea be it your care to see my Nephew forth.

I shall Madam.

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That title relishes flattery for ought you know: I may be vicio us.

Actus Tertius, Scena Prima.

SO, now it workes: the operation I believe is not on the suddaine, and my wound rancles as fast as if hee had runne his Rapier through a Head of Garlicke, or wash'd it in Aqua fortis; and this weapon salve, so much extold byth' Twi­ball Knights, commended by Mixum, deified by Vrinall, and adored by my believing selfe, procures no more miraculous ef­fect, than if it were unguentum album. Well, I am confident yet, there's no defect ith' [...]guent; my blood, my blood is sure anathemated; carries some curs'd impediment about it, that disannuls the vertue and incomparable force of the divine s [...]lve. This Dutch blood of mine, guilty of Bacon grease, and potted Butter—Sof, who are these? my Cozen Fortresse, Generall of the Twiball Knights; and his assistant Pirke, with Mr. Mix­um; twere a detriment to valour to complaine before them.

Yonder's your Cosen talking to himselfe: pray Gentle­men draw neare. Mr. Sconce I brought these friends to visit you.

Thanks good Mr. Mixum, Cosen Fortresse, and my Diminutive Captaine Pirke; give your hands, you are welcome, very welcome.

Health to the Weather-cocke of my Kin, the noble Sig­neur I [...]emias Sconce.

Propitious, and auspicious be thy starres, man of re­nowne and merit: ha thy arme in sling my Palmerin: Confusion Captaine Fortresse, he weares a wound about him.

No, no, a touch, a meere touch, a Flea-bite, Captain Pirke.

Is't not recover'd by the salve Mr. Sconce?

Yes, as good as whole; the weapon salve will reme­dy it.

Yes, past all chance it will: twill mundifie and purge your body Cosen: I use to combate three of four at once, every spring, purposely to be let blood a little: it does me good all the yeare after.

I am very glad of it. But tell me Cosen Fortresse, how fares it with the residue of the blades, the valiant Twiball Knights, the famous brethren, doe they walke in Coat gelt, or all a mode in Dunkirke Cloaks?

Those fashioned Cloaks I never heard of before: I mer­vaile my Tayler gets not a patterne of them; Pray sir, what is a Dunkirke Cloake?

Not know a Dunkirk upper garment, a leag [...]er Cloak; behold my I [...], this Cane, this staffe of office; this wee stile the Millitarie Caster.

Twill hardly keepe a shoure of raine out that.

Are they confin'd to Chamber still, for want of Boots, or Linnen? I love to heare of their prosperities.

Why Cosen they are well, but in the accustom'd garbe, the frugall brimme, and petty feather: they expect most careful­ly thy admittance into our Order.

'Tshall be don [...] after my wedding Cosen▪ I have got, [Page] dost heare, sirrah Pirke a girle of mettall, the Doctors daughter Bully, Fortresse. Flesh of Milke and Roses Blade.

But Cosen, tis necessary, you inrole your selfe into the Family before you wed: our order, like the Knights of Malta, does admit no persons espoused: but with this difference, if they receive the Order Batchellours, they may then marry and yet retaine the title.

Say you so Cosen?

Certaine truth my Io: we met npon our grand Exchange last night, our place of trade and consultation, and there conclu­ded some decrees, necessary for supporting our Common­wealth.

How perdition Captaine? how durst you meet without me? or conceite that decree valuable, which the voyce of Cap­taine Pirke has not assented to. Refuse me sir, the brethren of the Blades shall me their bold confrontment: vengeance doe you take mee for a boy, or some Pigwiggin? consult with­out me?

Patience, good Captaine Pirke, I would faine heare them.

He reads his necke-verse, reads them in my presence: Death rob me of the priviledge of my place and dignity Cap­taine, confound you, I could shew you Twibill for it.

What does this Tom Thumbe meane troe?

Why sirrah Dandiprat, you might have given attendance.

What without a summons, you can send Iacke Shirke your Beadle; to congregate the meaner branches of the Brother­hood, not a Picke-pocket I warrant you, but had notice of it: and must I be forgotten? by my man-hood tis base.

You have given the Captaine too bold a touch Senior Pirke; thou art just like the Mouse to the Elephant, borne to vexe him [...] p [...]ethee for my sake let him read them.

Your sake prevailes, or otherwise—

Attend then Cosen Sconce; our Orders Ile assure you are such, as the most envious Justice, nor their Goose-quill Clarks, that smell at new Bridewell, and Finsbury shall not exclaime on. Imprimis, it is generally decreed.

How, generally without me? Fire of Styx this is in­sufferable.

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Good Captaine Pirke, on cosen Fortresse.

That no knight of the Twibill; as Whiskin or allye gentleman shall presume to lead or convey any of the sisters of the order, viz. Striker, Cockatrice, or Gynimeg through the watch after twelve, unlesse he see them asleepe, or be in see with the Constable, under the penalty of being sent to the house of Correction.

Renounce me sir, this order Ile not signe to, it savors of cowardise, feare to convey a sister through the watch, tis against Our noble institution

Next it is enacted, that none of the groomes of our ward­robe shall offer to deprive any man of cloake, coate, or hat, unlesse it be in the darke, as they feare to answer it at the next assises, and be burn'd in the hand for it.

Twould be a hot touch for them cosen Fortresse.

Next it is decreed, that the receivers of our rents and customes, to wit divers Rookes, and Saint Nicholas Clearkes shall certainely use no more slights to get more then they can clearely come off with, under penalty of being carried up Hol­borne in a cart, and at Tiburne executed, which may tend to the dissolution of our whole fraternity.

But have you concluded nothing for the sisters, I long to heare them?

O yes cosen, we have confinde them to a certaine price, a stipend reasonable, so that they shall not need to dive into pockets.

They will doe that if you would hang them cosen.

I doe disclaime that order, Captaine Fortresse. your wisedome should have well considerd at wha [...] charge they are, for coach or hand litter, specially those of the gentile garbe, next their ushers must be maintaind, paint payd for, cloaths, pro­vided and the matron satisfied, these things considerd, could you bee so cruell as to confine them to a price by valour sir, I am a­sham'd on't.

Tis mended by the next order, they are prescrib'd from wearing Plush and Sattin, unlesse in peticoats.

You will not have them like the Jewes at Rome weare party coloured garments, to be knowne from Christians?

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By no meanes sir, we would have every one take notice of them, but Marshalls men, Beadles, and Constables, and therefore have ordain'd that they shall weare Beaver Hats, Poak'd Russes, Grogram Gownes, or at the best wrought Taffata, Foxe Skinne Musses, Moehaire peticoates, Bodkins and Cros­cloaths edg'd with gold lace.

This is the habit of our Rotterdamians.

But Cosen is this edict generally confirm'd by all the soci­ety of the Twibillers Knights and Ladies.

Tis universall cosen, only for Captaine Pirkes name, wee left a blanke, there's the decree sir, read it if you please.

Im [...]rimis, I Captaine Furibundo Fortresse.

A fearefull name that same.

You are but an ill cocke of the game it seemes.

Count Freese, gray Felt, and mony-lacke, Duke of Turn­bull, Bloomesbury, and Rotten Row, Lord paramont of all Garden-Alleyes, Gun Ally, and Rosemary Lane.

He has more titles then the great Turk [...] Proceed sir.

Chief commander of all Twibills, dangerfeild and whis­kins, who will quarell in Tavernes with a man, and not fight in the field with a mouse. And of the residue of the fraternities of husses, diverse dammes and decoyes, sole sultan and grand sig­neur, have to the premisses set my mighty hand, together with hands of our trusty and our couragious assistants (this blanke's for you Captaine Pike) Holafernes Make-shift, Rosiran Knock­downe, and twenty six more of our principall companions of the order.

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Nay there are others too, bu [...]y not their appellations in oblivion, they merit memory.

To which at our command also are subsign'd our most il­lustrious and remarkable sisters (they are slit nos'd perhaps) (there was a touch for them cosen Fortresse) Donna Iesabella, Garreta, mother of the maids of Lambeth Marsh, with her con­spicuous consort, at the three skipping Conies in the towne. (a touch that) you meane the three Squirrels, you are cunning cosen Fortresse, together with our most industrious servant Py­thagoras Pigge.

I gave him that name from his transmigration into cast suites, who has put his petie toes to it, and finally the woman that sings ballads, has her name trunled at the taile of it.

I mervaile master Doctor has not set his hand to this.

Seald with the seale at armes of our order, viz. Three Rooks volant in a field sanguine, two broken jugs the supporters, and a Twibill for the erest, and given the second day of this pre­sent month, at our mansion royall, or place of meeting in the long gravield walkes in our usuall fields.

Doubt it not good sir Martime.

Upon compulsion sir, I should refuse, marry on faire en­treaty I doe flye, good and high fates looke on you.

Sonne Sconce (I'm bold to call you so) how do's your at me?

Twas your ill dressing the weapon: give me your sword [Page] sonne, this is of the right salve the welsh Doctor makes, this shall save my credit. (Annoints the weapon.) Now Vrinall take this weapon, lap it warme in linnen cloaths, and locke it in my sonne, your anguish sonne will soone be mitigated.

I have a touch of it already sir.

I have seene experience of this weapon salve, and by its most mysterious working knowne some men hurt, past the helpe of surgery recover'd.

Marke you that master Sconce, the gentleman may be be­liev'd.

He is unlawfully begotten sir, dares tearme it so, there was a touch for him cosen Fortresse; I cald him sonne of a whore, and he would take no notice of it.

But pray sir, why should it be unlawfull?

his mother was a witch, saies this maide, so there was another touch for him cosen Fortresse, son of a witch, but he un­derstands not that neither.

Conceive you this to be compounded so?

Ile prove it master Doctor.

The proofe of a pudding is the eating, in your teeth sir, a pudding in his teeth: you know what I meane cosen Fortresse, another touch for him, but al's one, he has wit in's anger, and wil not understand me.

All this is granted 'twill.

Nay we'l grant you more sir (that it will not) and yet prove it, and you shall prove your selfe a (so you shall.) There had been another touch for him cosen Fortresse, but I fear'd hee would have understood me now, ere you shall prove it.

Silence cosen Sconce, let's heare the whif [...]ter if he can­not verifie his words, sink me my Jo, he shall taste arme of dan­gerfield.

Very authenticke this, well if the divell have tane the paines to be my surgion, my arme I feare will be possest, I feele an evill spirit in it already.

Respect the Doctors answer.

The salve is legitimate agen, Cosen Fortresse, O rare Doctor

Nay, you shall heare him tickle the gentlemen I war­rant you.

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There was a touch for him Cosen Fortresse, victus, victa, victum, he lookes like a Schoole-boy vanquish'd at capping ver­ses: harke you sir, repent your errour, and in time you may bee sav'd; you see the vertue of the salve the Doctor had dress'd his Speaking weapon with it. It hurt you, and it has cured you Be­ware you fall not into a relapse: there was another touch for him Cosen

Doctor give your hand (father I should have said) some fam'd Historian, some Gallo-Belgicus shal Chro­nicle thee and thy salve, there was a touch for him Cosen For­tresse. Come you shall see my Mistris.

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Pray desist, affoord me liberty to retire, I cannot alter my resolution.

Actus Quartus, Scena prima.

My husband and on the suddaine, speake you to me sir.

His mouth opend Ime sure, sir the Dutch Gentleman.

O my sonne Sconce, come hither Vrinall.

Madam tis best to leave him, I feare he's absolutly fran­ticke; Vrinall looke to him, least he act some violence on him­selfe, please your Ladiship withdraw.

Soft patience guard my heart: wheres no offence, one safely may rely on innocence.

Why sir Martine, how doe you sir? not speak? now by my life, hee lookes like a staggerell newly come to his Hornes, flings his head just in that manner they do not touch the seeling, yet Sir Martine: in time they may be three and foure at top, and serve to hang hats and cloakes on in the best knights hall in towne.

O Vrinall.

O Vrinall, what a pittifull noate was there, that very sound has almost crack'd me to pieces: Sir Martine, good Sir Martine what ayles you? or rather what ayles your wife, that you hum and haw so after kissing her▪ her breath is savory, I dare bee sworne shee has neither eaten Onions nor drunke Aqua­vitae.

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You should have kis'd her as the Court fashion is, upon the cheeke, but pray [...]ir, why are you so jealous: yet cannot prove your Lady has a trick with her toe, or turnes oftner then an ho­nest woman (if shee do) had not you better like an old Stag, cast the cognisance of your order into the hedge, then like a wanton Pricket, runne f [...]ll Butte at every one you meet, as who should say; take notice of my horns. I am ashamed of it so I am.

Do'st not believe I am? a hideous cuckold.

And must you needs cry Cuckow therefore. There are knights in towne who know their Ladies to be Hens oth'game, and [...]ive by tredding, yet like mettle Cockes they never hang the Gills for't, they are sure faire Gamesters use to pay the boxe well: especially at In, and In, (the Innes of Court Butlers would have had but a bad Christmas of it else) and what care they, so they can purchase plush, though their wives pay ith' hole for it.

Can there be such monsters?

Monsters, they are men Sir Martine, such as you are; only they are velvet browd a little: but heare me Sir, if a man would venture faire offer to give a certaine knowledge of your wifes honesty.

Doe that, and be my genius Vrinall.

You would have an evill Angell of me, Ile tell you sir, my master intends privately this night to wed his daughter to the Dutch younker S [...]once, the house will be atquiet, and your Lady left alone in her chamber, her sister Mistris Knoworth, be­ing to goe to Church with them.

What of this?

Soft and faire Sir Martine, I will ith' evening steale you into the Ladies chamber when she's in bed, come to her, and in the darke, (thats the only time to deale with a woman) (and as another man) trie what you can doe with her: if she consent (the worst) you doe but cuckold your selfe, if hold out, being a woman alone, in bed, and in the dark having a man standing by her, you may then conclude her an honest wife, and your jealou­sie foolish, as your vexation needlesse, you thinke I have no wit now I warrant.

According as my soule could wish.

Why law you then, who's the fooole now? Sir Martine [Page] come in the evening, I will not faile you.

well knight, if I doe not fit your jealous head, let me bee sung in ballads for an erranter coxcombe then your selfe.

Well said mi [...]x, you will not have him: but you had best consider and doe as I and your father would have you: or you shall trudge for it, you shall be his wife.

Nay in sadnesse Mistris Dal. you are too blame, the gentleman is an honest gentleman, I and a kinde man I warrant him to a woman; your mother and I have made triall of him, and finde him of a very good disposition, come chicke you shall have him.

Nay let her chuse and bee hangd, proud baggage who will refuse a gentleman of my owne chusing, but Ile send him to you and see if thou darst deny him, for thy life, come Mistris Mixum.

How doe you Mistris Dal. alasse poore gentlewoman, would they have thee coverd with a Frisland horse, a Dutch Stal­lion: now shame upon their soules that wish it, he's neighing here already.

Vrinall, my cosen Fortresse and the rest oth' Knights will be here presently; pray you prepare the musicke and the wine, [Page] I would not faile in the most diminute ceremony.

Of a most absolute coxcombe, I shall provide them sir.

Now begins my horror, the fatall Bell should it pro­claime my death, were spheare-like musicke to his night-crowes voyce; yet I must heare it and retaine my sense, continue subject to a da [...]ly noyse from the ill boding monster.

Lady or Madamosell, Vfroe or Seniora, what you please, or in what language to be entituled the Mistris of my thoughts, the complemental garbe is customary, and though I have learn'd by conversation with the Twibill Knights to kisse my hand, be­lieve me I had rather bestow my lips on yours; our naturall Dutch contracting is the best, without deceit or shadow, there we on­ly goe to th' taverne and be ungue browd, then drunke together. Ther's all our ceremony, and tis lawfull marriage too.

Would you would sir, better consider with your selfe and ma [...]ch where your own customes are observ'd, my feare my qua­lity will never suite the liking of your Dutch manners.

Manners Lady, you mistake I've none at all; ere we will disagree about manners, Ile be as clownish as an Upland Bore, foutra, tell a Dutch man of manners?

Yet sir have so much charity.

We detest that worse then the former, tis Papisticall, and was with that religion banish'd our reform'd Common-wealth: but to our businesse, pretty soule, I shall give thee touch mon and get a burger of thee.

An excellent touch that, as if there could be mercy in a Dutch-man, and to a woman? if there had beene any, the Nuns at Tilmont had not beene us'd so horribly last summer: why should you say you cannot love me [...]tis a false touch I me certaine of it, I shall know anone, till when receive your lips in pledge [Page] that no such words shall issue forth of them, adiew Lady, anone we must to the old touch of Matrimony.

Now if you doe not catch a Roach in her troubled waters, I shall conclude you a gudgion: speake to her; a woman has e­ver a hole open to receive a mans tale, believe it you shall have my assistance, and if I doe not second you confidently, may my tongue be cramped, my wit breech'd; and the machina of my in­vention ruind perpetually.

Fairest creature.

Now the curse of a tedious virginity light on ye, you will not be tupped by a Dutch Ram, a Hausen Kender, a West-fally Bore-pig, now the iniquity of a swagbellied Hollands Burgers get thee with childe of a dropsie, if thou marriest him, why how now Master Popingay, stroken with a Plannet? tis a fe­male Star, as changeable as the Moone, goe to your chamber, I heare company approaching, this Dutch Butter-Firkin shall bee melted to grease ere he shall have her, trust to it.

Cosen Fortresse welcome, welcome Captaine Pirke, va­liant brothers, nay gentlemen, then your accoutrements be of [Page] the vulgar cut, be not daunted, tis hereditary to Low Country souldiers to weare off reckonings, the time shall come the little worme shall weave, and silken tribute pay to men of service, give me your hands gentlemen, I shall be one of you anone, but Cosen F [...]rtresse, what bashfull youth is that that dares not thrust his nose out of his coate, for feare the winde should blow it to his face, ha?

Tis flat enough already, this my Jo, nay show thy Phis­nomy, h'is our quondam trusty attendant, but now Knight of the Twibill, Pithagoras Pig.

Is this the famous off-spring of great hog? we should be kindred certainely, my Ancestors were Bores, give me thy fore­f [...]ot sirrha, and tell me coz, why dost not wander into a new skin? this begins to crackle vilely.

O tis forwant of basting sir.

No my Jo, hee casts his skin but once a yeare, like the poore snake: well, he has done our Order speciall service; but coz, where are the preparations the vancarriors coz, to the so­lemnity of your insta [...]m [...]nt? renounce me, if you vilifie the insti­tution by disregard of properties, this hand shall never crosse the Twibill ore thy head, nor give thee thy avant chevalier, while thou art mortall my Jo, I say I shall not.

No matter sir Sconce, by the head of valor, my selfe shall dub thee.

Who you King Twadle? Mushrome you dub him?

Yes, I Gog, Magog, I dub him Garantua.

Nay good cosen Fortresse, Captaine Pirke, this Vrinall I could e'ne fill him to the brim with curses, but here's my agent; come where are the musitioners Vrinall?

They will bee loud enough by and by, I warrant you.

This is legitimate blood of the Spanish grape my Jo.

Lusty sacke credit me coz, twill give the touch, Vrinall make fast the doore, and leave us, and give us notice if any body approach.

What haste this gull makes to cheat himselfe in private, must the musicke enter?

I like it well when it begins with drinks, tis a signe twill end merrily; this cup is abominable to little, one can scarce wet his whistle out of it, it shall be this goblet, a vostre grace, coz Fortresse.

Sir Pithagoras we doe create you skinker, it shall goe round my blades, you shall dible in liquor of account; here bro­ther Make-shift.

Gramercies Captaine.

Choake you sir, learne manners, offer to drinke before betters, tis an affront to seniority, destroy me if I can suffer this, no forsake me Captaine I cannot.

There was a touch for you brother Makeshift, but good little Pirke be patient.

This Preface is very Cannonical my Io, nay, I shal learn the phrases instantly.

Have you all had it brothers?

All but my selfe Sir Holofernes.

Who my coz Pig, off sup off thy wash my Jo, at worst thou canst but be swine-drunke; but coz, shall we dispatch? I long to be instald.

I now we'l to't, come hither Captaine, sing the hymne preparatory to Knight-hood, but wet your pipes first, Ganimed, they'l squeake the better.

An admirable touch this, what's next troe?

Now coz Sconce, our Order does constraine us to a frisk, a dance about you, as the Fairies tred about their great King Oberon.

But can this musicke play the Twibill dance, none else will satisfie.

Musicke you must play the Twibill dance he sayes, dance so while.

They dance, the wine shall tread a sink apace into my belly, you have lost one of your best heels cosen.

No me Jo, twas off before the ceremony is halfe accom­plish'd, you are our wardrope keeper, brother Knock [...]downe have you brought the vestments of our Order?

Fuse Captaine not I.

Rot me sir, you would be made to fetch them.

How, not our robes of honor the ensignes of our cheval [...]y?

Sinke me, sir you know they are in tribulation.

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Hell take the Broker: we must perforce imploy one of our owne suits.

Take my Buffe Jerkin Captaine.

Death keepe it on, you'll shew your dirty shirt.

Found you sir, you lye: I fathome in your guts, hee has none on.

How, sonne of foule Adultery, the lye?

What doe you blunder, whi [...]lers Pigge, are you grun­ting too: shall I whet my Twibill on your bones mips of de­bility?

Nay, Cosen, Gentlemen rather than you shall fall out, Ile be content to bee dub'd in my own cloathes: nay pray you Gentlemen.

Tis against order, and we must observe ceremony.

O by all meanes Coz.

First then receive this cap of maintenance.

Cap of Maintenance doe you call it? I will maintaine when this old Cap was new, 'twas a Dutch felt, but now tis nine degrees below a straw Hat; I doe not like this touch: but Coz I shall have my Bever agen I hope?

How? suspitious my Io: Brother Knockdowne disroab his necke of this old linnen, savours of a winding-sheet: this is Decimo Sexto, feares no rumpling: Now Cosen Sconce, you must discusse your doublet.

That will be damn'd instantly; pray heaven my skinne scape.

Here sir, receive this Military Cassocke, 't has seene service.

'Thas been shot through both the Elbowes; this Mi­litary Cassocke has I feare, some Military hangbyes: this Twi­bill Knight-hood is but a lousie Order, would I had he're med­led with it.

Now you appeare something above an Embrio: Make­shift helpe to untrusse his breeches.

I shall be whipt instantly: But Cozen Fortresse, is there no redemption for my Breeches?

Sume me Captaine, tis not requisite he should put off his Breeches.

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Thankes good Captaine Pirke, twas a friendly touch that

May not his transitory money serve to excuse his breeches?

To him it may.

A Twibill Knight ought to regard no money, but the gli­string steele.

Well, since it must be so, there take my money.

Paw sir, you lose the priviledge of the Order, if you respect your money.

Now doe I looke like—as if I were new come from the Lottery: or what say you Sir Holofernes, to the Picture of the Prodigal in the painted Cloath? Sure I have now perform'd all the Ceremonies; if not, I me sure I have nothing else left to performe withall.

So, now kneele downe, while thus I thee create: Ie­remia [...] Sconce, Knight of the order of Twibill. Now avaunt Chevaleire.

Health to our worthy Brother, Ieremi [...] Sconce, Knight of the Twibill.

But brothers, there is Sacke yet to be drunke, in Cele­bration of this Knight-hood,

I like this drinking heartily; there's some goodnesse in't: will you beginne, my Captaine Generall; Ile call you so now.

Pythagoras, fill his Bowle up. Capt. Pirk this Cornucopia To my Leiftenant Generalls health: Ile call you so now.

A place of Marke and Charge that.

Man of valour, respect this Cup to the health of our Leift, Generall.

A vous brother Knockdowne.

Here Sir Barrabas.

Altogether gentlemen, a health Musitians,

Gentlemen all tres humblement serviture vostre: I ha done you right.

Expect me Io; heart of my father, you must for consum­mation of your installment, drinke a cup a piece to each of us.

Twas my intention Generall: to you all in generall, helpe Pith. let it be be two Captaine, tis pitty to put so many worthy men in a pint pot.

Soule of my valour, y'are ship'd sir, you must drinke five together.

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Y'are wanton Captaine, a wag upon my Knight-hood, you meane to measure the profundity of my belly, twill bee a hard taske to doe it to a Dutch-man—looke you Captaine.

Thou shalt be my Bacchus Io, he drinkes as if hee had eaten Pickle Herring.

This Cup was as deepe as Fleet-street Conduit. Sound me my Io, I ha' made a new River in my Belly, and my Guts are the Pipes: Tother cup good wreckling, vertue shall be vertue still, so long as I can stand Captaine.

That will not be long I hope.

This Coller spoyles my drinking, or else this Sack has horse-flesh in't, it rides upon my stomacke. O Vrinall, Ime a Knight of the Twibill honest Vrinall.

Take heede you'll crush me sir to pieces. Gentlemen yonder are the Constables at the doore to apprehend Captaine Fortresse.

Some more sacke sirrah, I shall be married anon.

That's I, tis for the linnen brothers: Hell my Io, how shall I scape them?

More Sacke sirrah, the tother touch sweet Pig, the to­ther touch.

There is no way but one sir, they have beset the house; my Master is perswading them. Follow mee, Ile by a backe way set you safely out with your company.

Noble Vrinall: come Blades here's purchase for us.

This is but foure Cups captaine Cosen Pigge. Skinke my parting Cup, and then I me gone: ha! where be you Gentle­men, I am not blinde, or play you at Boe-peep? they are gone, this is a pretty touch, my touch my Io, with my money and Cloathes, a pretier touch still, let me see, they have left some Sacke behind them, there's my comfort yet.

I am but drunke: Kisse me Borankee: never feare, I will not spoyle thy gorget. Hark in thy eare my Io, shall I have a gentle touch? twill doe no harme, wee are to be marryed anon thou know'st; I shall get wise children on thee.

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What wouldst thou ravish me libidinous Swine? Strive, and thou dyest.

Twas an unkinde touch that, my Io, you might have falne under me, 't had beene the fitter place for a woman, (pray helpe me up agen.

Yes, to thy death, if thou deny t' performe what I en­joyne thee.

How, kill a knight of the Twibill, and in the Ensignes of his owne Order, ere it shall be said to the disgrace of Knight-hood, that any of the fraternity was kild by a woman, Ile doe any thing: Lead on, Ile follow you.

Actus Quintus, Scena prima.

You have reasons sir to doe so, your daughter had more wit then you expected, tis the quality of maids, to deny what they desire: had you but seene how nimbly shee trod over the threshold; you would have sworne she had beene mad of the match: I stood and heard him aske her: shall wee goe to the [Page] Church [...] not too late [...] [...]oo late to doe well replied she agen: (though it were at midnight) and then the Dutch you [...] tooke her up into a (what doe you call it) [...] (and heaven speed) away they went, marry to what Church, he's gone I know not, only I heard him sweare he would not [...] at Pencridge.

And why not; tis an ancient Church, and all old things must not be cast away▪ there has beene many an honest couple given to the lawfull bed there, so there has.

No matter for that, he protested he would be marryd in a Taverne ere that pencridge, there's no drinke nere it; but at the Pinder of Wakefield, and thats abomi [...]able, and he has vowd to season their bargaine with a cup of Sacke ere they returne.

Hee will not bee drunke on's wedding night I hope; my daughter would have a sweet bed-fellow of him, if he should.

There is another loving couple gone with them too for company, who will be man and wife if the Priest say Amen to it.

who are they of our knowledge?

O yes sir, tis Master Lovering, the attendant to Ma­ster Know [...]rth, and Sir [...] Niece that came but yester­day.

Is't possible? twas some [...]lie policy of her Uncles to bring her hither, Master Lovering knew her before it seemes.

Too well I feare sir, they would not have marryd in such post haste else.

Well Master Doctor, I hope my gloves shall bee better then the ordinary, I had no small hand in this match, you know.

Tis nine a clocke at least: twill not belong ere they re­turne, wife pray goe in and see all things in readinesse for their lodgings.

They will have more stomacks to their beds then to their suppers.

To morrow we'l celebrate their nuptiall feast: Vrinall be you carefull of the doores▪ let none come in but our owne company.

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Ile locke them up, and keepe the keyes my selfe sir, Mrs. Mixum your husband is with them, and in his absence I would desire a word with you.

I love to talke with any man in my husbands ab­sence; sweet Vrinall I will fulfill your pleasure, will you goe Mistris?

So now have at her.

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Mrs. there is a gentleman without, this knockt for en­trance as if he had beene a Constable, his businesse is with you, and his name Free [...]it; I told him you were in bed [...]nd he swore he would come to you through the doore, shall I admit him?

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This is his last night, his businesse carryes weight, pray let him in. Be now propitious Love: is any with him?

There is enough of him, unlesse he made lesse noise. Ile send him to you.

Would I could, with as much safety to my honour, grant Remission to your other fault.

This gentleman seems so noble, I repent that I advis'd her from him.

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They are entred, sir, I heard Mr. Mix. say as I let them in, that they were marryed.

Nay, come an end gentlemen and your wives, Mr. Doctor wil not be angry though I have usurp'd his office, and beene the father to his daughter.

You are not a cunning baggager you would none forsooth when I propos'd it to you; but when the fit came on you, you could then runne madding, and never let the Sexton ring the Bell to give us notice: had it beene any one but Mr. Sconce, you should have fought a portion; but since to him, we pardon it: take her sonne, heavens give thee joy of her.

You would scarce say so, knew you as much as I doe.

We thanke you sir, and rest your dutifull children.

Ha [...] my Nephew Popingay!

Mr. Popingaies. Sir [...] Nephew! I am abus'd, undone, my daughter's cousend Vrinall, a [...] put on mee, Mr. Popingay to wed my daughter.

[...] was with her owne consent Sir, and she my wife by your free gift.

Your wife, your whore she is as soone, she is Master Sconces wife, and that you shall finde, so you shall, let me come to the baggage husband, [...] her eyes out.

[...] he sh [...]ll injoy her, Ile spend the best part of my wealth he shall not have a penny portion with her, depart my house I charge you [...] vrinall call in my neighbours, ere [...] he us'd thus▪

[...] I know you and your wayes.

[...]

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Goe to, be patient, then give this gentleman your daughter; nay be friends, and love him too, or all shall out.

Thou wilt not betray me villaine?

Plots upon plots against me.

But the great one is still behinde: if you will be friends quickly with them, so; if not, your impostures all come out.

Nay, since you say it, it must be so.

Now you name, where is Mr. Sconce?

Tis my cue now. O father I me here they have given mee a touch, a very scurvy touch, I am a brother of the Twibills, and I am married too, but I need not feare being a Cuckold.

Mris. you know the Gent.

I and wenches too; come hither, we will be man and wife, that's certaine, nay and lie together, so we will, you shall behave your self well enough like a woman: but that you have a [...] [...]pe­diment for-bearing Children: but give me thy hand, shal's be drunk together?

He is scatoe sober yet I thinke.

[...]e tell you father, ere I▪ went to the Church I had gotten a touch in the 'Crowne, the Twibil Knigh [...] [...] my [...] had made me'drunke, and got my [...] by these [Page] I know not: But ha, let me see, this should be my suite, tis it, by va­lour it is: doe you heare good man Foxe, how crept you into this Lyons case?

What meanes this new married man?

Do you jeare me, with a touch of that? harke you husband, Though I be your wife, you shall not hinder me from claiming my owne Breeches. Mistris a word with you too you put a gentle touch upon me did you not? But I shall know you hereafter, Ile say no more, and touch you boldly for it.

Y'are very merrily dispos'd Sir: had it not beene to have done Sir Martines Nephew, I should not have beene fool'd so. Ile trie his temper though.

But let him marry you though if he dare, ile sue the Statute of Bigamy upon him, he shall be hang'd for being double marryed.

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My wife turn'd a woman indeed: this is a touch indeed, I had best be [...] gone, for feare she challenge me.

O stay your patience good Mr. Sconce.

Sir, what meanes this extasie?

How Vrinall Master: Doctor's man turnd to [...] Mr. [Page] Freewits man, and Marthies brother?

So it appeares by the story Mrs. I am glad sir you put my sister in this disgu [...]se, she has got a good husband by the shift, take your wife sir, she is no worse a woman then my owne sister.

But let me see and feele you better, it is no periwigge this but are you my husband, a woman; wife?

I your wife am sir.

Master Doctor you wish me well I know, I have married here I know not whom, you have excellent salves and unguents sir.

They are at your service all.

Thanke you good Mr. Doctor, have you never a one that will eat off the wen of man­hood, make all whole before that will eunuchise a man, I would [...]aine be a Her maphrolite, or a woman to escape this match, I do not like it

Help gentlemen, help Mr. Doctor, yonder is a man would ravish me whether I would or no, nay kild me, I thinke he has puld out the longest naked weapon, O there he is.

Who's this, Sir M [...]tin, what doe you meane sir?

I, this is he Thomas doe you see what a terrible thing hee has got? was that sit to use to a woman? I was but laid in the next roome, to sleepe, and he would have done something to mee so hee would had not I beene the honester woman.

Shame and confusion sease me.

You may see Sir what comes of your jealousie, but feare not Sir, your wife will pard on it, there's no harme done.

But there might have beene, had not my honesty been the greater.

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I Madam, I; under pretence to have attempted his wife, but I sent him in to Mrs. Mixum, who I knew would fit his turne.

And so I could have f [...]ed him as well as another wo­man.

Brother Vrinall you are a [...]ave, brother Vrinall, and have showd all a [...]ehing touch.

No sir I sav'd you from being cozend, my sister shall have some portion, here's a hundred pieces in this pu [...]e.

Sinke me my [...]o, my owne purse.

It, is indeed Sir, I got it from your 'Twibill brothers, and this your watch too, and your cloths which Mr. Popingay weares, by locking them into a roome, and threatning punishment, if [...] they de­nied, the blades shall now resume freedome▪ this key will let them out, come forth gentlemen, he [...]e is your brother Master Sconce.

Captaine generall, give thy hand bully, Captaine Pirke, my cosen Pig, and all of you; though you would have cheated me tis no matter, you shall dance at my wedding, and be drunke too, my Joe, you shall.

Confusion rot the bones of Vrinall perdition shall slay him;

Madam I hope we shall keepeour nuptiall feast with Master Doctor.

As you dispose it sir, I have resign'd my will to yours.

Unckle I hope you'l pardon me, that I deceiv'd your expe­ctation in watching my Aunt, she is too ver [...]ous: father your bles­sing, and then we are happy.