To the Right Honourable
                {Henry} Earl of {Arundel}, and Lord {Mowbray}.

MY LORD,
  'Tis long that I have with great impatience waited some opportunity to
declare my infinite Respect to your Lordship, coming, I may say, into the
World with a Veneration for your Illustrious Family, and being brought
up with continual Praises of the Renowned Actions of your glorious
Ancestors, both in War and Peace, so famous over the Christian World
for their Vertue, Piety, and Learning, their elevated Birth, and greatness
of Courage, and of whom all our English History are full of the Wonders
of the Lives: A Family of so Ancient Nobility, and from whom so many
Heroes have proceeded to bless and serve their King and Country, that all
Ages and all Nations mention 'em even with Adoration: My self have
been in this our Age an Eye and Ear-witness, with what Transports of
Joy, with what unusual Respect and Ceremony, above what we pay to
Mankind, the very Name of the Great {Howards} of {Norfolk} and {Arundel},
have been celebrated on Foreign Shores! And when any one of your
Illustrious Family have pass'd the Streets, the People throng'd to praise and
bless him as soon as his Name has been made known to the glad Croud.
This I have seen with a Joy that became a true English heart, (who truly
venerate its brave Country-men) and joyn'd my dutiful Respects and Praises
with the most devout; but never had the happiness yet of any opportunity
to express particularly that Admiration I have and ever had for your
Lordship and your Great Family. Still, I say, I did admire you, still I
wish'd and pray'd for you; 'twas all I cou'd or durst: But, as my Esteem
for your Lordship daily increased with my Judgment, so nothing cou'd
bring it to a more absolute height and perfection, than to observe in these
troublesome times, this Age of Lying, Peaching, and Swearing with what
noble Prudence, what steadiness of Mind, what Loyalty and Conduct you
have evaded the Snare, that 'twas to be fear'd was laid for all the Good,
the Brave, and Loyal, for all that truly lov'd our best of Kings and this
distracted Country. A thousand times I have wept for fear that Impudence
and Malice wou'd extend so far as to stain your Noble and ever-Loyal
Family with its unavoidable Imputatious; and as often for joy, to see how
undauntedly both the Illustrions Duke your Father, and your Self, stem'd
the raging Torrent that threatned, with yours, the ruin of the King and
Kingdom; all which had not power to shake your Constancy or Loyalty:
for which, may Heaven and Earth reward and bless you; the noble
Examples to thousands of failing hearts, who from so great a President of
Loyalty, became confirm'd. May Heaven and Earth bless you for your
pious and resolute bravery of Mind, and Heroick honesty, when you cry'd,
{Not Guilty}; that you durst, like your great self, speak Conscientious Truths
in a Juncto so vitious, when Truth and Innocence was criminal: and I
doubt not but the Soul of that great Sufferer bows down from Heaven in
gratitude for that noble service done it. All these and a thousand marks
you give of daily growing Greatness; every day produces to those like me,
curious to learn the story of your Life and Actions, something that even
adds a Lustre to your great Name, which one wou'd think cou'd be made
no more splendid: some new Goodness, some new act of Loyalty or
Courage, comes out to cheer the World and those that admire you. Nor
wou'd I be the last of those that dayly congratulate and celebrate your
rising Glory; nor durst I any other way approach you with it, but this
humble one, which carries some Excuse along with it.
  Proud of the opportunity then, I most humbly beg your Lordships'
patronage of a Comedy, which has nothing to defend it, but the Honour it
begs, and nothing to deserve that Honour, but its being in every part true
Tory! Loyal all-over! except one Knave, which I hope no body will take
to himself; or if he do, I must e'en say with {Hamlet},
                 --Then let the strucken Deer go weep--
It has the luck to be well received in the Town; which (not for my
Vanity) pleases me, but that thereby I find Honesty begins to come in
fashion again, when Loyalty is approv'd, and Whigism becomes a Jest
where'er 'tis met with. And, no doubt on't, so long as the Royal Cause
has such Patrons as your Lordship, such vigorous and noble Supporters, his
Majesty will be great, secure and quiet, the Nation flourishing and happy,
and seditious Fools and Knaves that have so long disturb'd the Peace and
Tranquility of the World, will become the business and sport of Comedy, and
at last the scorn of that Rabble that fondly and blindly worshipt 'em; and
whom nothing can so well convince as plain Demonstration, which is ever
more powerful and prevailent than Precept, or even Preaching it self. If
this have edifi'd effectual, 'tis all I wish; and that your Lordship will be
pleas'd to accept the humble Offering, is all I beg, and the greatest Glory
I care shou'd be done,
                                            MY LORD,
                                        Your Lordship's most Humble
                                            and most Obedient Servant,
                                                      A. BEHN.

                    THE CITY HEIRESS;
               or, Sir {Timothy Treat-all}.
                        PROLOGUE,
    Written by Mr. {Otway}, Spoken by Mrs. {Barry}.

     HOW vain have prov'd the Labours of the Stage,
     In striving to reclaim a vitious Age!
     Poets may write the Mischief to impeach,     )
     You care as little what the Poets teach,     )
     As you regard at Church what Parsons preach. )
     But where such Follies, and such Vices reign,
     What honest Pen has Patience to refrain?
     At Church, in Pews, ye most devoutly snore;
     And here, got dully drunk, ye come to roar:
     Ye go to Church to glout, and ogle there,
     And come to meet more leud convenient here.
     With equal Zeal ye honour either Place,    )
     And run so very evenly your Race,          )
     Y' improve in Wit just as you do in Grace. )
     It must be so, some Doe6mon has possest
     Our Land, and we have never since been blest.
     Y' have seen it all, or heard of its Renown, )
     In Reverend Shape it stalk'd about the Town, )
     Six Yeomen tall attending on its Frown.      )
     Sometimes with humble Note and zealous Lore,  )
     'Twou'd play the Apostolick Function o'er:    )
     But, Heaven have mercy on us when it swore.   )
     Whene'er it swore, to prove the Oaths were true,
     Out of its much at random Halters flew
     Round some unwary Neck, by Magick thrown,
     Though still the cunning Devil sav'd its own:
     For when the Inchantment could no longer last,
     The subtle Pug most dextrously uncas'd,
     Left awful Form for one more seeming pious, )
     And in a moment vary'd to defy us;          )
     From silken Doctor home-spun {Ananias}:     )
     Left the leud Court, and did in City fix,          )
     Where still, by its old Arts, it plays new Tricks, )
     And fills the Heads of Fools with Politicks.       )
     This Doe6mon lately drew in many a Guest,
     To part with zealous Guinea for---no Feast.
     Who, but the most incorrigible Fops,
     For ever doom'd in dismal Cells, call'd Shops,
     To cheat and damn themselves to get their Livings,
     Wou'd lay sweet Money out in Sham-Thanksgivings?
     Sham-Plots you may have paid for o'er and o'er;
     But who e'er paid for a Sham-Treat before?
     Had you not better sent your Offerings all
     Hither to us, than Sequestrators Hall?
     I being your Steward, Justice had been done ye;
     I cou'd have entertain'd you worth your Money.

                   DRAMATIS PERSONAE7.

                         MEN.

Sir {Timothy Treat-all}, an old seditious Knight, )
  that keeps open House for Commonwealths-        )   Mr. {Nokes}.
  men and true blue Protestants, Uncle to {T.}    )
  {Wilding},                                      )
Tom {Wilding}, a Tory, his discarded Nephew,          Mr. {Betterton}.
Sir {Anthony Meriwill}, an old Tory Knight of )
  {Devonshire},                               )       Mr. {Lee}.
                                              )
Sir {Charles Meriwill}, his Nephew, a Tory also, )
  in love with L. {Galliard}, and Friend to      )    Mr. {Williams}.
  {Wilding},                                     )
{Dresswell}, a young Gentleman, Friend to )
  {Wilding},                              )           Mr. {Bowman}.
                                          )
{Foppington}, a Hanger-on on {Wilding},               Mr. {Jevon}.
{Jervice}, Man to Sir {Timothy}.
 {Laboir}, Man to Tom {Wilding}.
Boy, Page to Lady {Galliard}.
Boy, Page to {Diana}.

                     Guests, Footmen, Musick, &c.

                              WOMEN.

Lady {Galliard}, a rich City-Widow, in love with )
  {Wilding},                                     )    Mrs. {Barry}.
                                                 )
{Charlot}, The City-Heiress, in love with {Wilding},  Mrs. {Butler}.
{Diana}, Mistress to {Wilding}, and kept by him,      Mrs. {Corror}.
Mrs. {Clacket}, a City Baud and Puritan,              Mrs. {Norice}.
Mrs. {Closet}, Woman to Lady {Galliard},              Mrs. {Lee}.
Mrs. {Sensure}, Sir {Timothy's} Housekeeper.
{Betty}, Maid to {Diana}.
Maid at {Charlot's} lodging.

       SCENE, {Within the Walls of} London.

#ACT I.
#SCENE I. {The Street.}

{Enter Sir} Timothy Treat-all, {follow'd by} Tom Wilding
      {bare, Sir} Charles Meriwill, Foppington, {and
                   Footman with a Cloke}.
Sir {Tim.} Trouble me no more: for I am resolv'd, deaf
and obdurate, d'ye see, and so forth.
*
{Wild.} I beseech ye, Uncle, hear me.
*
Sir {Tim.} No.
*
{Wild.} Dear Uncle---
*
Sir {Tim.} No.
*
{Wild.} You will be mortify'd---
*
Sir {Tim.} No.
*
{Wild.} At least hear me out, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} No, I have heard you out too often, Sir, till
you have talkt me out of many a fair Thousand; have had
ye out of all the Bayliffs, Serjeants, and Constables Clutches
about Town, Sir; have brought you out of all the Surgeons,
Apothecaries, and pocky Doctors Hands, that ever pretended
to cure incurable Diseases; and have crost ye out of the Books
of all the Mercers, Silk-men, Exchange-men, Taylors,
Shoemakers, and Sempstresses; with all the rest of the
unconscionable City-tribe of the long Bill, that had but
Faith enough to trust, and thought me Fool enough to pay.
*
Sir {Char.} But, Sir, consider, he's your own Flesh and
Blood.
*
Sir {Tim.} That's more than I'll swear.
*
Sir {Char.} Your only Heir.
*
Sir {Tim.} That's more than you or any of his wise Associates
can tell, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} Why his wise Associates? Have you any
Exception to the Company he keeps? This reflects on me
and young {Dresswell}, Sir, Men both of Birth and Fortune.
*
Sir {Tim.} Why, good Sir {Charles Meriwill}, let me tell
you, since you'll have it out, That you and young {Dresswell}
are able to debauch, destroy, and confound all the young
imitating Fops in Town.
*
Sir {Char.} How, Sir!
*
Sir {Tim.} Nay, never huff, Sir; for I have six thousand
Pound a Year, and value no Man: Neither do I speak so
much for your particular, as for the Company you keep,
such Tarmagant Tories as these, [{To} Fop.] who are the
very Vermin of a young Heir, and for one tickling give
him a thousand bites.
*
{Fop.} Death! meaning me, Sir?
*
Sir {Tim.} Yes, you, Sir. Nay, never stare, Sir; I fear
you not; No Man's hectoring signifies this---in the City,
but the Constables: no body dares be saucy here, except
it be in the King's name.
*
Sir {Char.} Sir, I confess he was to blame.
*
Sir {Tim.} Sir {Charles}, thanks to Heaven, you may be
leud, you have a plentiful Estate, may whore, drink, game,
and play the Devil: your Uncle, Sir {Anthony Meriwill},
intends to give you all his Estate too. But for such Sparks
as this, and my Fop in Fashion here, why, with what Face,
Conscience, or Religion, can they be leud and vitious, keep
their Wenches, Coaches, rich Liveries, and so forth, who
live upon Charity, and the Sins of the Nation?
*
Sir {Char.} If he hath youthful Vices, he has Virtues too.
*
Sir {Tim.} Yes, he had, but I know not, you have bewitch'd
him amongst ye. [{weeping.}] Before he fell to Toryism,
he was a sober, civil Youth, and had some Religion in him,
wou'd read ye Prayers Night and Morning with a laudable
Voice, and cry {Amen} to 'em; 'twou'd have done one's
Heart good to have heard him---wore decent Clothes, was
drunk but on Sundays and Holidays; and then I had Hopes
of him.                                   [{Still weeping.}
*
{Wild.} Ay, Heaven forgive me.
*
Sir {Char.} But, Sir, he's now become a new Man, is
casting off all his Women, is drunk not above five or six
times a week, swears not above once in a quarter of an
Hour, nor has not gam'd this two Days---
*
Sir {Tim.} 'Twas because the Devil was in's Pocket then.
*
Sir {Char.}---Begins to take up at Coffee-houses, talks
gravely in the City, speaks scandalously of the Government,
and rails most abominably against the Pope and the
{French} King.
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, ay, this shall not wheedle me out of one
{English} Guinea; and so I told him yesterday.
*
{Wild.} You did so, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} Yes; by a good Token you were witty upon
me, and swore I lov'd and honoured the King no where
but on his Coin.
*
Sir {Char.} Is it possible, Sir.
*
{Wild.} God forgive me, Sir; I confess I was a little
overtaken.
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, so it shou'd seem: for he mistook his own
Chamber, and went to bed to my Maid's.
*
Sir {Char.} How! to bed to your Maid's! Sure, Sir, 'tis
scandal on him.
*
Sir {Tim.} No, no, he makes his brags on't, Sir. Oh, that
crying Sin of Boasting! Well fare, I say, the Days of old
{Oliver}; he by a wholesom Act made it death to boast; so that
then a Man might whore his Heart out, and no body the wiser.
*
Sir {Char.} Right, Sir, and then the Men pass'd for sober
religious Persons, and the Women for as demure Saints---
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, then there was no scandal; but now they
do not only boast what they do, but what they do not.
*
{Wild.} I'll take care that fault shall be mended, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, so will I, if Poverty has any Feats of
Mortification; and so farewel to you, Sir.    [{Going.}
*
{Wild.} Stay, Sir, are you resolv'd to be so cruel then, and
ruin all my Fortunes now depending?
*
Sir {Tim.} Most religiously---
*
{Wild.} You are?
*
Sir {Tim.} I am.
*
{Wild.} Death, I'll rob.
*
Sir {Tim.} Do and be hang'd.
*
{Wild.} Nay, I'll turn Papist.
*
Sir {Tim.} Do and be damn'd.
*
Sir {Char.} Bless me, Sir, what a Scandal would that be
to the Family of the {Treat-alls}!
*
Sir {Tim.} Hum! I had rather indeed he turn'd {Turk}
or {Jew}, for his own sake; but as for scandalizing me, I
defy it: My Integrity has been known ever since Forty
one; I bought three Thousand a year in Bishops Lands,
as 'tis well known, and lost it at the King's return; for
which I'm honour'd by the City. But for his farther
Satisfaction, Consolation, and Destruction, know, That I
Sir {Timothy Treat-all}, Knight and Alderman, do think my
self young enough to marry, d'ye see, and will wipe your
Nose with a Son and Heir of my own begetting, and so
forth.                              [{Going away.}
*
{Wild.} Death! marry!
*
Sir {Char.} Patience, dear {Tom}, or thou't spoil all.
*
{Wild.} Damn him, I've lost all Patience, and can dissemble
no longer, though I lose all---Very good, Sir; harkye, I
hope she's young and handsome; or if she be not, amongst
the numerous lusty-stomacht Whigs that daily nose your
publick Dinners, some may be found, that either for Money,
Charity, or Gratitude, may requite your Treats. You keep
open House to all the Party, not for Mirth, Generosity
or good Nature, but for Roguery. You cram the Brethren,
the pious City-Gluttons, with good Cheer, good Wine,
and Rebellion in abundance, gormandizing all Comers and
Goers, of all Sexes, Sorts, Opinions and Religions, young
half-witted Fops, hot-headed Fools, and Malecontents: You
guttle and fawn on all, and all in hopes of debauching the
King's Liege-people into Commonwealthsmen; and rather
than lose a Convert, you'll pimp for him. These are your
nightly Debauches---Nay, rather than you shall want it,
I'll cuckold you my self in pure Revenge.
*
Sir {Tim.} How! Cuckold his own natural Uncle!
*
Sir {Char.} Oh, he cannot be so profane.
*
{Wild.} Profane! why he deny'd but now the having any
share in me; and therefore 'tis lawful. I am to live by my
Wits, you say, and your old rich good-natur'd Cuckold is
as sure a Revenue to a handsome young Cadet, as a thousand
Pound a Year. Your tolerable Face and Shape is an Estate
in the City, and a better Bank than your Six {per Cent.} at
any time.
*
Sir {Tim.} Well, Sir, since Nature has funisht you so
well, you need but up and ride, show and be rich; and so
your Servant, witty Mr. {Wilding}.
                           [{Goes out. He looks after him.}
*
Sir {Char.} Whilst I am labouring another's good, I quite
neglect my own. This cursed, proud, disdainful Lady
{Galliard}, is ever in my Head; she's now at Church, I'm
sure, not for Devotion, but to shew her Charms, and throw
her Darts amongst the gazing Croud; and grows more
vain by Conquest. I'm near the Church, and must step
in, though it cost me a new Wound.  [Wild. {stands pausing}.
*
{Wild.} I am resolv'd---Well, dear {Charles}, let's sup together
to night, and contrive some way to be reveng'd of this
wicked Uncle of mine. I must leave thee now, for I have
an Assignation here at Church.
*
Sir {Char.} Hah! at Church!
*
{Wild.} Ay, {Charles}, with the dearest She-Saint, and I
hope Sinner.
*
Sir {Char.} What, at Church? Pox, I shall be discover'd
now in my Amours. That's an odd place for Love-Intrigues.
*
{Wild.} Oh, I am to pass for a sober, discreet Person to
the Relations; but for my Mistress, she's made of no such
sanctify'd Materials; she is a Widow, {Charles}, young, rich,
and beautiful.
*
Sir {Char.} Hah! if this shou'd prove my Widow, now.
                                              [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} And though at her own dispose, yet is much
govern'd by Honour, and a rigid Mother, who is ever
preaching to her against the Vices of Youth, and t'other
end of the Town Sparks; dreads nothing so much as her
Daughter's marrying a villanous Tory. So the young one
is forc'd to dissemble Religion, the best Mask to hide a kind
Mistress in.
*
Sir {Char.} This must be my Lady {Galliard}.         [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} There is at present some ill understanding between
us; some damn'd Honourable Fop lays siege to her, which
has made me ill received; and I having a new Intrigue
elsewhere, return her cold Disdain, but now and then she
crosses my Heart too violently to resist her. In one of these
hot Fits I now am, and must find some occasion to speak
to her.
*
Sir {Char.} By Heaven, it must be she---I am studying
now, amongst all our She-Acquaintance, who this shou'd be.
*
{Wild.} Oh, this is of Quality to be conceal'd; but the
dearest loveliest Hypocrite, white as Lillies, smooth as
Rushes, and plump as Grapes after a Shower, haughty her
Mein, her Eyes full of Disdain, and yet bewitching sweet;
but when she loves soft, witty, wanton, all that charms a
Soul, and but for now and then a fit of Honour, Oh, damn
the Nonsense! wou'd be all my own.
*
Sir {Char.} 'Tis she, by Heaven! [{Aside.}] Methinks this
Widow shou'd prove a good Income to you, as things now
stand between you and your Uncle.
*
{Wild.} Ah, {Charles}, but I am otherways dispos'd of. There
is the most charming pretty thing in nature fallen in love
with this Person of mine, a rich City-Heiress, {Charles},
and I have her in possession.
*
Sir {Char.} How can you love two at once? I've been
as wild and as extravagant, as Youth and Wealth cou'd
render me; but ne'er arrived to that degree of Leudness,
to deal my Heart about: my Hours I might, but Love
shou'd be intire.
*
{Wild.} Ah, {Charles}, two such bewitching Faces wou'd
give thy Heart the lye:---But Love divides us, and I must
into Church. Adieu till Night.                      [{Exit.}
*
Sir {Char.} And I must follow, to resolve my Heart in
what it dreads to learn. Here, my Cloke.  [{Takes his Cloke}
from his Man, and puts it on.}] Hah, Church is done! See,
they are coming forth!
{Enter People cross the Stage, as from Church; amongst 'em Sir}
     Anthony Meriwill, {follow'd by Sir} Timothy Treat-all.
Hah, my Uncle! He must not see me here.
                    [{Throws his Cloke over his Face.}
*
Sir {Tim.} What my old Friend and Acquaintance, Sir
{Anthony Meriwill}!
*
Sir {Anth.} Sir {Timothy Treat-all}!
*
Sir {Tim.} Why, how long have you been in Town, Sir?
*
Sir {Anth.} About three days, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} Three days, and never came to dine with me!
'tis unpardonable! What, you keep close to the Church,
I see: You are for the Surplice still, old Orthodox you;
the Times cannot mend you, I see.
*
Sir {Anth.} No, nor shall they mar me, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} They are discoursing; I'll pass by.  [{Aside.}
                                      [{Ex. Sir} Charles.
*
Sir {Anth.} As I take it, you came from Church too.
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, needs must when the Devil drives. I go
to save my Bacon, as they say, once a Month, and that too
after the Porridge is serv'd up.
*
Sir {Anth.} Those that made it, Sir, are wiser than we.
For my part, I love good wholesom Doctrine, that teaches
Obedience to the King and Superiors, without railing at the
Government, and quoting Scripture for Sedition, Mutiny
and Rebellion. Why here was a jolly Fellow this Morning
made a notable Sermon. By {George}, our Country-Vicars
are mere Scholars to your Gentlemen Town-Parsons! Hah,
how he handled the Text, and run Divisions upon't! 'twould
make a Man sin with moderation, to hear how he claw'd
away the Vices of the Town, Whoring, Drinking, and
Conventicling, with the rest of the deadly number.
*
Sir {Tim.} Good lack! an he were so good at Whoring
and Drinking, you'd best carry your Nephew, Sir {Charles
Meriwill}, to Church; he wants a little documentizing that
way.
*
Sir {Anth.} Hum! you keep your old wont still; a Man
can begin no Discourse to you, be it of {Prester John}, but
you still conclude with my Nephew.
*
Sir {Tim.} Good Lord! Sir {Anthony}, you need not be so
purty; what I say, is the Discourse of the whole City,
how lavishly you let him live, and give ill Examples to all
young Heirs.
*
Sir {Anth.} The City! The City's a grumbling, lying,
dissatisfy'd City, and no wise or honest Man regards what
it says. Do you, or any of the City, stand bound to his
Scrivener or Taylor? He spends what I allow him, Sir,
his own; and you're a Fool, or Knave, chuse ye whether,
to concern your self.
*
Sir {Tim.} Good lack! I speak but what wiser Men
discourse.
*
Sir {Anth.} Wiser Men! wiser Coxcombs. What, they
wou'd have me train my Nephew up, a hopeful Youth, to
keep a Merchant's Book, or send him to chop Logick in
an University, and have him returned an arrant learned
Ass, to simper, and look demure, and start at Oaths and
Wenches, whilst I fell his Woods, and grant Leases: And
lastly, to make good what I have cozen'd him of, force him
to marry Mrs. {Crump}, the ill-favour'd Daughter of some
Right Worshipful.---A Pox of all of such Guardians!
*
Sir {Tim.} Do, countenance Sin and Expences, do.
*
Sir {Anth.} What Sin, what Expences? He wears good
Clothes, why, Trades-men get the more by him; he keeps
his Coach, 'tis for his Ease; a Mistress, 'tis for his Pleasure;
he games, 'tis for his Diversion: And where's the harm
of this? is there ought else you can accuse him with?
*
Sir {Tim.} Yes,---a Pox upon him, he's my Rival too. [{Aside.}
Why then I'll tell you, Sir, he loves a Lady.
*
Sir {Anth.} If that be a Sin, Heaven help the Wicked!
*
Sir {Tim.} But I mean honourably---
*
Sir {Anth.} Honourably! why do you know any Infirmity
in him, why he shou'd not marry?            [{Angrily.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Not I, Sir.
*
Sir {Anth.} Not you, Sir? why then you're an Ass, Sir---
But is this Lady young and handsom?
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, and rich too, Sir.
*
Sir {Anth.} No matter for Money, so she love the Boy.
*
Sir {Tim.} Love him! No, Sir, she neither does, nor shall
love him.
*
Sir {Anth.} How, Sir, nor shall love him! By {George},
but she shall, and lie with him too, if I please, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} How, Sir! lie with a rich City-Widow, and a
Lady, and to be married to a fine Reverend old Gentleman
within a day or two?
*
Sir {Anth.} His Name, Sir, his Name; I'll dispatch him
presently.                            [{Offers to draw.}
*
Sir {Tim.} How, Sir, dispatch him!---Your Servant, Sir.
                                          [{Offers to go.}
*
Sir {Anth.} Hold, Sir! by this abrupt departure, I fancy
you the Boy's Rival: Come, draw.                [{Draws.}
*
Sir {Tim.} How, draw, Sir
*
Sir {Anth.} Ay, draw, Sir; not my Nephew have the
Widow!
*
Sir {Tim.} With all my Soul, Sir; I love and honour
your Nephew. I his Rival! alas, Sir, I'm not so fond of
Cuckoldom. Pray, Sir, let me see you and Sir {Charles} at
my House, I may serve him in this business; and so I
take my leave, Sir---Draw quoth-a! Pox upon him for an
old Tory-rory.                           [{Aside. Exit.}
*
{Enter as from Church, L.} Galliard, Closet, {and Footman}:
  Wilding {passes carelessly by her, Sir} Charles Meriwill
  {following, wrapt up in his Cloke}.
Sir {Anth.} Who's here? {Charles} muffled in a Cloke
peering after a Woman? My own Boy to a Hair! She's
handsom too. I'll step aside; for I must see the meaning
on't.                                         [{Goes aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} Bless me! how unconcern'd he pass'd!
*
{Clos.} He bow'd low, Madam.
*
L. {Gal.} But 'twas in such a fashion, as exprest Indifferency,
much worse than Hate from {Wilding}.
*
{Clos.} Your Ladyship has us'd him ill of late; yet i
your Ladyship please, I'll call him back.
*
L. {Gal.} I'll die first---Hah, he's going! Yet now I think
on't I have a Toy of his, which to express my scorn, I'll
give him back now---this Ring.
*
{Clos.} Shall I carry it, Madam?
*
D. {Gal.} You'll not express Disdain enough in the
Delivery; and you may call him back. [Clos. {goes to} Wild.
*
Sir {Char.} By Heaven, she's fond of him.          [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} Oh, Mrs. {Closet}! is it you?---Madam, your
Servant: By this Disdain, I fear your Woman, Madam,
has mistaken her Man. Wou'd your Ladyship speak with
me?
*
L. {Gal.} Yes.---But what? the God of Love instruct me.
                                                [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} Command me quickly, Madam; for I have
  business.
*
L. {Gal.} Nay, then I cannot be discreet in Love. [{Aside.}
---Your business once was Love, nor had no idle hours
To throw away on any other thought;
You lov'd, as if you had no other Faculties,
As if you'd meant to gain eternal Bliss,
By that Devotion only: And see how now you're chang'd.
*
{Wild.} Not I, by Heaven; 'tis you are only chang'd.
I thought you'd lov'd me too, curse on the dull mistake!
But when I beg'd to reap the mighty Joy
That mutual Love affords,
You turn'd me off from Honour,
That Nothing, fram'd by some old sullen Maid,
That wanted Charms to kindle Flames when young.
*
Sir {Anth.} By {George}, he's i'th' right.          [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Char.} Death! can she hear this Language?      [{Aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} How dare you name this to me any more?
Have you forgot my Fortune, and my Youth,
My Quality, and Fame?
*
{Wild.} No, by Heaven, all these increase my Flame.
*
L. {Gal.} Perhaps they might, but yet I wonder where
You got the boldness to approach me with it.
*
{Wild.} Faith, Madam, from your own encouragement.
*
L. {Gal.} From mine! Heavens, what Contempt is this?
*
{Wild.} When first I paid my Vows, (good Heaven forgive
  me)
They were for Honour all;
But wiser you, thanks to your Mother's care too,
Knowing my Fortune an uncertain hope,
My Life of Scandal, and my leud Opinion,
Forbad me wish that way; 'twas kindly urg'd;
You cou'd not then forbid my Passion too,
Nor did I ever from your Lips or Eyes
Receive the cruel Sentence of my Death.
*
Sir {Anth.} Gad, a fine Fellow this!
*
L. {Gal.} To save my Life, I wou'd not marry thee.
*
{Wild.} That's kindly said.
But to save mine, thou't do a kinder thing;
---I know thou wo't.
*
L. {Gal.} What, yield my Honour up!
And after find it sacrific'd anew,
And made the scorn of a triumphing Wife!
*
Sir {Anth.} Gad, she's i'th' right too! a noble Girl I'll
warrant her.
*
L. {Gal.} But you disdain to satisfy these fears;
And like a proud and haughty Conqueror,
Demand the Town, without the least Conditions.
*
Sir {Char.} By Heaven, she yields apace.      [{Aside.}
*
Sir. {Anth.} Pox on't, wou'd I had ne'er seen her; now
I have Legions of small {Cupids} at Hot-cockles in my Heart.
*
{Wild.} Now I am pausing on that word Conditions.
Thou say'st thou wou't not have me marry thee;
That is, as if I lov'd thee for thy Eyes
And put 'em out to hate thee;
Or like our Stage-smitten Youth, who fall in Love with a
Woman for acting finely, and by taking her off the Stage,
deprive her of the only Charm she had,
Then leave her to ill Luck.
*
Sir {Ant.} Gad, he's i'th' right again too! a rare Fellow!
*
{Wild.} For, Widow, know, hadst thou more Beauty,
yet not all of 'em were half so great a Charm as they not
being mine.
*
Sir {Anth.} Hum! how will he make that out now?
*
{Wild.} The stealths of Love, the midnight kind Admittance,
The gloomy Bed, the soft breath'd murmuring Passion;
Ah, who can guess at Joys thus snatch'd by parcels?
The difficulty makes us always wishing,
Whilst on thy part, Fear makes still some resistance;
And every Blessing seems a kind of Rape.
*
Sir {Anth.} H'as don't!---A Divine Fellow that; just of
my Religion. I am studying now whether I was never
acquainted with his Mother.
                    [{L.} Gal. {walks away}. Wild. {follows}.
*
L. {Gal.} Tempt me no more! what dull unwary Flame
Possest me all this while! Confusion on thee, [{In Rage.}
And all the Charms that dwell upon thy Tongue.
Diseases ruin that bewitching Form,
That with the soft feign'd Vows debaucht my Heart.
*
Sir {Char.} Heavens! can I yet endure!        [{Aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} By all that's good, I'll marry instantly;
Marry, and save my last Stake, Honour, yet,
Or thou wilt rook me out of all at last.
*
{Wild.} Marry! thou canst not do a better thing;
There are a thousand Matrimonial Fops,
Fine Fools of Fortune,
Good-natur'd Blockheads too, and that's a wonder.
*
L. {Gal.} That will be manag'd by a Man of Wit.
*
{Wild.} Right.
*
L. {Gal.} I have an eye upon a Friend of yours.
*
{Wild.} A Friend of mine! then he must be my Cuckold.
*
Sir {Char.} Very fine! can I endure yet more?  [{Aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} Perhaps it is your Uncle.
*
{Wild.} Hah, my Uncle!  [{Sir} Charles {makes up to 'em}.
*
Sir {Anth.} Hah, my {Charles}! why, well said, {Charles},
he bore up briskly to her.
*
Sir {Char.} Ah, Madam, may I presume to tell you---
*
Sir {Anth.} Ah, Pox, that was stark naught! he begins
like a Fore-man o'th' Shop, to his Master's Daughter.
*
{Wild.} How, {Charles Meriwill} acquainted with my
Widow!
*
Sir {Char.} Why do you wear that scorn upon your Face?
I've nought but honest meaning in my Passion,
Whilst him you favour so profanes your Beauties,
In scorn of Marriage and Religious Rites,
Attempts the ruin of your sacred Honour.
*
L. {Gal.} Hah, {Wilding} boast my Love!      [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Anth.} The Devil take him, my Nephew's quite spoil'd!
Why, what a Pox has he to do with Honour now?
*
L. {Gal.} Pray leave me, Sir.---
*
{Wild.} Damn it, since he knows all, I'll boldly own my
  flame.
You take a liberty I never gave you, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} How, this from thee! nay, then I must take more.
And ask you where you borrow'd that Brutality,
T' approach that Lady with your saucy Passion.
*
Sir {Anth.} Gad, well done, {Charles}! here must be sport anon.
*
{Wild.} I will not answer every idle Question.
*
Sir {Char.} Death, you dare not.
*
{Wild.} How, dare not!
*
Sir {Char.} No, dare not; for if you did---
*
{Wild.} What durst you, if I did?
*
Sir {Char.} Death, cut your Throat, Sir.
                           [{Taking hold on him roughly.}
*
Sir {Anth.} Hold, hold, let him have fair play, and then
curse him that parts ye.  [{Taking 'em asunder, they draw.}
*
L. {Gal.} Hold, I command ye, hold!
*
Sir {Char.} There rest my Sword to all Eternity.
                           [{Lays his Sword at her Feet.}
*
L. {Gal.} Now I conjure ye both, by all your Honour,
If you were e'er acquainted with that Virtue,
To see my Face no more,
Who durst dispute your Interest in me thus,
As for a common Mistress, in your Drink.
           [{She goes out, and all but} Wild. {Sir} Anth. {and
              Sir} Char. {who stands sadly looking after her}.
*
Sir {Anth.} A Heavenly Girl!---Well, now she's gone,
by {George}, I am for disputing your Title to her by dint
of Sword.
*
Sir {Char.} I wo'not fight.
*
{Wild.} Another time will decide it, Sir.  [Wild. {goes out}.
*
Sir {Anth.} After your whining Prologue, Sir, who the
Devil would have expected such a Farce?---Come, {Charles},
take up thy sword, {Charles}; and d'ye hear forget me this
Woman.---
*
Sir {Char.} Forget her, Sir! there never was a thing so
excellent!
*
Sir {Anth.} You lye, Sirrah, you lye, there's a thousand
As fair, as young, and kinder by this day.
We'll into th' Country, {Charles}, where every Grove
Affords us rustick Beauties,
That know no Pride nor Painting,
And that will take it and be thankful, {Charles};
Fine wholesom Girls that fall like ruddy Fruit,
Fit for the gathering, {Charles}.
*
Sir {Char.} Oh, Sir, I cannot relish the coarse Fare.
But what's all this, Sir, to my present Passion?
*
Sir {Anth.} Passion, Sir! you shall have no Passion, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} No Passion, Sir! shall I have Life and Breath?
*
Sir {Anth.} It may be not, Sirrah, if it be my will and
  pleasure.
---Why how now! saucy Boys be their own Carvers?
*
Sir {Char.} Sir, I am all Obedience.  [{Bowing and sighing.}
*
Sir {Anth.} Obedience! Was ever such a Blockhead! why
then, if I command it, you will not love this Woman?
*
Sir {Char.} No, Sir.
*
Sir {Anth,} No, Sir! But I say, Yes, Sir, love her me;
and love her me like a Man too, or I'll renounce ye, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} I've try'd all ways to win upon her Heart,
Presented, writ, watcht, fought, pray'd, kneel'd, and wept.
*
Sir {Anth.} Why, there's it now; I thought so: kneel'd
and wept! a Pox upon thee---I took thee for a prettier
Fellow---
You shou'd have huft and bluster'd at her door,
Been very impudent and saucy, Sir,
Leud, ruffling, mad; courted at all hours and seasons;
Let her not rest, nor eat, nor sleep, nor visit.
Believe me, {Charles}, Women love Importunity.
Watch her close, watch her like a Witch, Boy,
Till she confess the Devil in her,---Love.
*
Sir {Char.} I cannot, Sir,
Her Eyes strike such an awe into my Soul---
*
Sir {Anth.} Strike such a Fiddle-stick.---Sirrah, I say, do't;
what, you can towse a Wench as handsomely---You can
be leud enough upon occasion. I know not the Lady, nor
her Fortune; but I'm resolv'd thou shalt have her, with
practising a little Courtship of my Mode.---Come---
  Come, my Boy {Charles}, since thou must needs be doing,
  I'll shew thee how to go a Widow-wooing.
*

#ACT II.
#SCENE I. {A Room.}

     {Enter} Charlot, Foppington, {and} Clacket.
{Charl.} Enough, I've heard enough of {Wilding's} Vices,
to know I am undone.                           [{Weeps.}
---{Galliard} his Mistress too? I never saw her, but I have
heard her fam'd for Beauty, Wit, and Fortune:
That Rival may be dangerous.
*
{Fop.} Yes, Madam, the fair, the young, the witty Lady
{Galliard}, even in the height of his Love to you; nay,
even whilst his Uncle courts her for a Wife, he designs
himself for a Gallant.
*
{Charl.} Wondrous Inconstancy and Impudence!
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Nay, Madam, you may rely upon Mr.
{Foppington's} Information; therefore if you respect your
Reputation, retreat in time.
*
{Charl.} Reputation! that I forfeited when I ran away
with your Friend, Mr. {Wilding}.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Ah, that ever I shou'd live to see [{Weeps}]
the sole Daughter and Heir of Sir {Nicholas Gett-all}, ran
away with one of the leudest Heathens about Town!
*
{Charl.} How, your Friend, Mr. {Wilding}, a Heathen; and
with you too, Mrs. {Clacket}! that Friend, Mr. {Wilding}, who
thought none so worthy as Mrs. {Clacket}, to trust with so
great a Secret as his flight with me; he a Heathen!
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Ay, and a poor Heathen too, Madam. 'Slife,
if you must marry a Man to buy him Breeches, marry an
honest Man, a Religious Man, a Man that bears a Conscience,
and will do a Woman some Reason---
Why, here's Mr. {Foppington}, Madam; here's a Shape, here's
a Face, a Back as strait as an Arrow, I'll warrant.
*
{Charl.} How! buy him Breeches! Has {Wilding} then no
Fortune?
*
{Fop.} Yes, Faith, Madam, pretty well; so, so, as the
Dice run; and now and then he lights upon a Squire,
or so, and between fair and foul Play, he makes a shift to
pick a pretty Livelihood up.
*
{Charl.} How! does his Uncle allow him no present
Maintenance?
*
{Fop.} No, nor future Hopes neither: Therefore, Madam,
I hope you will see the Difference between him and a
Man of Parts, that adores you.      [{Smiling and bowing.}
*
{Charl.} If I find all this true you tell me, I shall know
how to value my self and those that love me.
---This may be yet a Rascal.
                     {Enter Maid.}
*
{Maid.} Mistress, Mr. {Wilding's} below.          [{Exit.}
*
{Fop.} Below! Oh, Heaven, Madam, do not expose me
to his Fury, for being too zealous in your Service.
                                       [{In great Disorder.}
*
{Charl.} I will not let him know you told any thing, Sir.
*
{Fop.} Death! to be seen here, would expose my Life.
                                        [{To} Clacket.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Here, here, step out upon the Stair-case,
and slip into my Chamber.  [{Going out, returns in fright.}
*
{Fop.} Owns, he's here; lock the Door fast; let him
not enter.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Oh, Heavens, I have not the Key! hold it,
hold it fast, sweet, sweet Mr. {Foppington}. Oh, should there
be Murder done, what a Scandal wou'd that be to the
House of a true Protestant!                 [{Knocks.}
*
{Charl.} Heavens! what will he say or think, to see me
shut in with a Man?
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Oh, I'll say you're sick, asleep, or out of
Humour.
*
{Charl.} I'd give the World to see him.          [{Knocks.}
*
{Wild.} [{Without.}] {Charlot, Charlot}! am I deny'd an
entrance? By Heaven, I'll break the Door.
                   [{Knocks again}; Fop. {still holding it}.
*
{Fop.} Oh, I'm a dead Man, dear {Clacket}!  [{Knocking still.}
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Oh, hold, Sir, Mrs. {Charlot} is very sick.
*
{Wild.} How, sick, and I kept from her!
*
Mrs. {Clack.} She begs you'll come again an Hour hence.
*
{Wild.} Delay'd! by Heaven, I will have entrance.
*
{Fop.} Ruin'd! undone! for if he do not kill me, he may
starve me.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Oh, he will not break in upon us! Hold,
Sir, hold a little; Mrs. {Charlot} is just---just---shifting her
self, Sir; you will not be so uncivil as to press in, I hope,
at such a Time.
*
{Charl.} I have a fine time on't, between ye, to have
him think I am stripping my self before Mr. {Foppington}---
Let go, or I'll call out and tell him all.
  [Wild. {breaks open the Door and rushes in}: Fop. {stands
    close up at the entrance till he is past him, then venturing
    to slip out, finds} Wild. {has made fast the Door: so he is
    forc'd to return again and stand close up behind} Wild.
    {with signs of Fear}.
*
{Wild.} How now, {Charlot}, what means this new Unkindness?
what, not a Word?
*
{Charl.} There is so little Musick in my Voice, you do
not care to hear it: you have been better entertain'd, I
find, mightily employ'd, no doubt.
*
{Wild.} Yes, faith, and so I have, {Charlot}: damn'd
Business, that Enemy to Love, has made me rude.
*
{Charl.} Or that other Enemy to Love, damn'd Wenching.
*
{Wild.} Wenching! how ill hast thou tim'd thy Jealousy!
What Banker, that to morrow is to pay a mighty Sum,
wou'd venture out his Stock to day in little Parcels, and
lose his Credit by it?
*
{Charl.} You wou'd, perfidious as you are, though all your
Fortune, all your future Health, depended on that Credit.
                                                 [{Angry.}
*
{Wild.} So, hark ye, Mrs. {Clacket}, you have been prating
I find in my Absence, giving me a handsom Character to
{Charlot}---You hate any good thing shou'd go by your
own Nose.                             [{Aside to} Clacket.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} By my Nose, Mr. {Wilding}! I defy you:
I'd have you to know, I scorn any good thing shou'd go
by my Nose in an uncivil way.
*
{Wild.} I believe so.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Have I been the Confident to all your
Secrets this three years, in Sickness and in Health, for
richer, for poorer; conceal'd the Nature of your wicked
Diseases, under the honest Name of Surfeits; call'd your
filthy Surgeons, Mr. Doctor, to keep up your Reputation;
civilly receiv'd your t'other end of the Town young
Relations at all Hours---
*
{Wild.} High!
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Been up with you, and down with you
early and late, by Night and by Day; let you in at all
Hours, drunk and sober, single and double; and civilly
withdrawn, and modestly shut the Door after me?
*
{Wild.} What! The Storm's up, and the Devil cannot lay it.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} And I am thus rewarded for my Pains!
                                             [{Weeps.}
*
{Wild.} So Tempests are allay'd by Showers of Rain.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} That I shou'd be charg'd with speaking ill
of you, so honest, so civil a Gentleman---
*
{Charl.} No, I have better Witness of your Falshood.
*
{Fop.} Hah, 'Sdeath, she'll name me!
*
{Wild.} What mean you, my {Charlot}?
Do you not think I love you?
*
{Charl.} Go ask my Lady {Galliard}, she keeps the best
Account of all your Sighs and Vows,
And robs me of my dearest softer Hours.  [{Kindly to him.}
*
Mrs. {Clack.} You cannot hold from being kind to him.
                                               [{Aside.}
*
{Wild. Galliard!} How came she by that Secret of my
Life? [{Aside.}] Why, ay, 'tis true, I am there sometimes
about an Arbitration, about a Suit in Law, about my Uncle.
*
{Charl.} Ay, that Uncle too---
You swore to me you were your Uncle's Heir;
But you perhaps may chance to get him one,
If the Lady prove not cruel.
*
{Wild.} Death and the Devil, what Rascal has been
prating to her!                            [{Aside.}
*
{Charl.} Whilst I am reserv'd for a dead Lift, if Fortune
prove unkind, or wicked Uncles refractory:
Yet I cou'd love you though you were a Slave,
                                [{In a soft Tone to him.}
And I were Queen of all the Universe.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Ay, there you spoil'd all again---you forgot
your self.
*
{Charl.} And all the World when he looks kindly on me.
But I'll take Courage and be very angry.        [{Aside.}
Nor do your Perjuries rest here; you're equally as false
to {Galliard}, as to me; false for a little Mistress of the
Town, whom you've set up in spite to Quality.  [{Angry.}
*
Mrs. {Clack.} So, that was home and handsom.
*
{Wild.} What damn'd Informer does she keep in pension?
*
{Charl.} And can you think my Fortune and my Youth
Merits no better Treatment?                 [{Angry.}
How cou'd you have the Heart to use me so?  [{Soft to him.}
I fall insensibly to Love and Fondness.           [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} Ah, my dear {Charlot}! you who know my Heart,
can you believe me false?
*
{Charl.} In every Syllable, in every Look;
Your Vows, your Sighs, and Eyes, all counterfeit.
You said you lov'd me, where was then your Truth?
You swore you were to be your Uncle's Heir;
Where was your Confidence of me the while.
To think my Generosity so scanted,
To love you for your Fortune?
---How every Look betrays my yielding Heart!  [{Aside.}
No, since Men are grown so cunning in their
Trade of Love, the necessary Vice I'll practise too,
And chaffer with Love-Merchants for my Heart.
Make it appear you are your Uncle's Heir,
I'll marry ye to morrow.
Of all thy Cheats, that was the most unkind,
Because you thought to conquer by that Lye.
To night I'll be resolv'd.
*
{Wild.} Hum! to night!
*
{Charl.} To night, or I will think you love me for my
  Fortune;
Which if you find elsewhere to more advantage,
I may unpitied die---and I shou'd die
If you should prove untrue.            [{Tenderly to him.}
*
Mrs. {Clack.} There you've dasht all again.
*
{Wild.} I'm resolv'd to keep my Credit with her---
Here's my Hand;
This Night, {Charlot}, I'll let you see the Writings.
---But how? a Pox on him that knows for {Thomas}.  [{Aside.}
*
{Charl.} Hah! that Hand without the Ring!
Nay, never study for a handsom Lye.
*
{Wild.} Ring? Oh, ay, I left it in my Dressing-room
this Morning.
*
{Charl.} See how thou hast inur'd thy Tongue to falshood!
Did you not send it to a certain Creature
They call {Diana},
From off that Hand that plighted Faith to me?
*
{Wild.} By Heaven, 'tis Witchcraft all;
Unless this Villain {Foppington} betray me.
Those sort of Rascals would do any thing
For ready Meat and Wine---I'll kill the Fool---hah, here!
                  [{Turns quick, and sees him behind him.}
*
{Fop.} Here, Lord! Lord!
Where were thy Eyes, dear {Wilding}?
*
{Wild.} Where they have spy'd a Rascal.
Where was this Property conceal'd?
*
{Fop.} Conceal'd! What dost thou mean, dear {Tom}?
Why, I stood as plain as the Nose on thy Face, mun.
*
{Wild.} But 'tis the ungrateful Quality of all your sort
to make such base returns.
How got this Rogue Admittance, and when in,
The Impudence to tell his treacherous Lyes?
*
{Fop.} Admittance! why thou art stark mad: Did not
I come in with you, that is, follow'd you?
*
{Wild.} Whither?
*
{Fop.} Why, into the House, up stairs, stood behind you
when you swore you wou'd come in, and follow'd you in!
*
{Wild.} All this, and I not see!
*
{Fop.} Oh, Love's blind; but this Lady saw me, Mrs.
{Clacket} saw me---Admittance quotha!
*
{Wild.} Why did you not speak?
*
{Fop.} Speak! I was so amaz'd at what I heard, the villanous
Scandals laid on you by some pick-thank Rogue or other,
I had no Power.
*
{Wild.} Ay, thou know'st how I am wrong'd.
*
{Fop.} Oh, most damnably, Sir!
*
{Wild.} Abuse me to my Mistress too!
*
{Fop.} Oh, Villains! Dogs!
*
{Charl.} Do you think thy have wrong'd him, Sir? for
I'll believe you.
*
{Fop.} Do I think, Madam? Ay, I think him a Son of a
Whore that said it; and I'll cut his Throat.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Well, this Impudence is a heavenly Virtue.
*
{Wild.} You see now, Madam, how Innocence may suffer.
*
{Charl.} In spite of all thy villanous dissembling,
I must believe, and love thee for my quiet.
*
{Wild.} That's kind; and if before to morrow I do not
shew you I deserve your Heart, kill me at once by quitting
me---Farewel---I know where both my Uncle's Will and
other Writings lie, by which he made me Heir to his
whole Estate.
  My Craft will be in catching; which if past,
  Her Love secures me the kind Wench at last.  [{Aside.}
                                 [{Goes out with} Fop.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} What if he should not chance to keep his
Word now?
*
{Charl.} How, if he shou'd not! by all that's good, if he
shou'd not, I am resolv'd to marry him however. We two
may make a pretty Shift with three thousand Pound a
year; yet I wou'd fain be resolv'd how Affairs stand between
the old Gentleman and him. I wou'd give the World to
see that Widow too, that Lady {Galliard}.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} If you're bent upon 't, I'll tell you what we'll
do, Madam; There's every Day mighty Feasting here at
his Uncle's hard by, and you shall disguise your self as well
as you can, and so go for a Niece of mine I have coming
out of {Scotland}; there you will not fail of seeing my Lady
{Galliard}, though, I doubt, not Mr. {Wilding}, who is of
late discarded.
*
{Charl.} Enough; I am resolv'd upon this Design; let's
in and practise the northern Dialect.       [{Ex. both.}
*

#SCENE II. {The Street.}

     {Enter} Wilding {and} Foppington.
{Wild.} But then {Diana} took the Ring at last?
*
{Fop.} Greedily, but rail'd, and swore, and ranted at your
late Unkindness, and wou'd not be appeas'd.
                   {Enter} Dresswell.
*
{Wild. Dresswell}, I was just going to see for thee.
*
{Dres.} I'm glad, dear {Tom}, I'm here to serve thee.
*
{Wild.} And now I've found thee, thou must along with me.
*
{Dres.} Whither? but I'll not ask, but obey.
*
{Wild.} To a kind Sinner, {Frank}.
*
{Dres.} Pox on 'em all; prithee turn out those petty
Tyrants of thy Heart, and fit it for a Monarch, Love, dear
{Wilding}, of which thou never knew'st the Pleasure yet,
or not above a day.
*
{Wild.} Not knew the Pleasure! Death, the very Essence,
the first Draughts of Love. Ah, how pleasant 'tis to drink
when a Man's a dry!
The rest is all but dully sipping on.
*
{Dres.} And yet this {Diana}, for thither thou art going,
thou hast been constant to this three or four Years.
*
{Wild.} A constant Keeper thou mean'st; which is indeed
enough to get the Scandal of a Coxcomb: But I know
not, those sort of Baggages have a kind of Fascination so
inticing---and faith, after the Fatigues of formal Visits to a
Man's dull Relations, or what's as bad, to Women of
Quality; after the busy Afflictions of the Day, and the
Debauches of the tedious Night, I tell thee, {Frank}, a Man's
best Retirement is with a soft kind Wench. But to say
Truth, I have a farther Design in my Visit now. Thou
know'st how I stand past hope of Grace, excommunicated
the Kindness of my Uncle.
*
{Dres.} True.
*
{Wild.} My leud Debauches, and being o'th' wrong Party,
as he calls it, is now become an irreconcilable Quarrel, so
that I having many and hopeful Intrigues now depending,
especially those of my charming Widow, and my City-Heiress,
which can by no means be carried on without
that damn'd necessary call'd ready Mony; I have stretcht
my Credit, as all young Heirs do, till 'tis quite broke.
New Liveries, Coaches, and Clothes must be had, they
must, my Friend.
*
{Dres.} Why do'st thou not in this Extremity clap up a
Match with my Lady {Galliard}? or this young Heiress
you speak of?
*
{Wild.} But Marriage, {Frank}, is such a Bugbear! And
this old Uncle of mine may one day be gathered together,
and sleep with his Fathers, and then I shall have six thousand
Pound a Year, and the wide World before me; and who the
Devil cou'd relish these Blessings with the clog of a Wife
behind him?---But till then, Money must be had, I say.
*
{Fop.} Ay, but how, Sir?
*
{Wild.} Why, from the old Fountain, {Jack}, my Uncle;
he has himself decreed it: He tells me I must live upon
my Wits, and will, {Frank}.
*
{Fop.} Gad, I'm impatient to know how.
*
{Wild.} I believe thee, for thou art out at Elbows; and
when I thrive, you show it i'th' Pit, behind the Scenes,
and at Coffee-houses. Thy Breeches give a better account
of my Fortune, than {Lilly} with all his Schemes and Stars.
*
{Fop.} I own I thrive by your influence, Sir.
*
{Dres.} Well, but to your Project, Friend, to which I'll
set a helping Hand, a Heart, a Sword, and Fortune.
*
{Wild.} You make good what my Soul conceives of you.
Let's to {Diana} then, and there I'll tell thee all.
           [{Going out, they meet} Diana, {who enters with her
               Maid} Betty, {and} Boy, {looks angrily}.
---{Diana}, I was just going to thy Lodgings!
*
{Dia.} Oh, las, you are too much taken up with your
rich City-Heiress.
*
{Wild.} That's no cause of quarrel between you and I,
{Diana}: you were wont to be as impatient for my marrying,
as I for the Death of my Uncle; for your rich Wife ever
obliges her Husband's Mistress; and Women of your sort,
{Diana}, ever thrive better by Adultery than Fornication.
*
{Dia.} Do, try to appease the easy Fool with these fine
Expectations---No, I have been too often flatter'd with the
hopes of your marrying a rich Wife, and then I was to have
a Settlement; but instead of that, things go backward with
me, my Coach is vanish'd, my Servants dwindled into one
necessary Woman and a Boy, which to save Charges, is
too small for any Service; my twenty Guineas a Week,
into forty Shillings; a hopeful Reformation!
*
{Wild.} Patience, {Diana}, things will mend in time.
*
{Dia.} When, I wonder? Summer's come, yet I am still
in my embroider'd Manteau, when I'm drest, lin'd with
Velvet; 'twould give one a Fever but to look at me: yet still
I am flamm'd off with hopes of a rich Wife, whose Fortune
I am to lavish.---But I see you have neither Conscience
nor Religion in you; I wonder what a Devil will become
of your Soul for thus deluding me!              [{Weeps.}
*
{Wild.} By Heaven, I love thee!
*
{Dia.} Love me! what if you do? how far will that go
at the Exchange for Point? Will the Mercer take it for
current Coin?---But 'tis no matter, I must love a Wit
with a Pox, when I might have had so many Fools of
Fortune: but the Devil take me, if you deceive me any
longer.                                     [{Weeping.}
*
{Wild.} You'll keep your word, no doubt, now you have
sworn.
*
{Dia.} So I will. I never go abroad, but I gain new
Conquests. Happy's the Man that can approach nearest
the Side-box where I sit at a Play, to look at me; but if I
deign to smile on him, Lord, how the overjoy'd Creature
returns it with a Bow low as the very Benches; Then
rising, shakes his Ears, looks round with Pride, to see who
took notice how much he was in favour with charming
Mrs. {Dy.}
*
{Wild.} No more, come, let's be Friends, {Diana}; for you
and I must manage an Uncle of mine.
*
{Dia.} Damn your Projects, I'll have none of 'em.
*
{Wild.} Here, here's the best softner of a Woman's Heart;
'tis Gold, two hundred Pieces: Go, lay it out, till you
shame Quality into plain Silk and Fringe.
*
{Dia.} Lord, you have the strangest power of persuasion!
Nay, if you buy my Peace, I can afford a Pennyworth.
*
{Wild.} So thou canst of anything about thee.
*
{Dia.} Well, your Project, my dear {Tommy}?
*
{Wild.} Thus then---Thou, dear {Frank}, shalt to my Uncle,
tell him, that Sir {Nicholas Gett-all}, as he knows, being dead,
and having left, as he knows too, one only Daughter his whole
Executrix, Mrs. {Charlot}, I have by my civil and modest
Behaviour, so won upon her Heart, that two Nights since
she left her Father's Country-house at {Lusum} in {Kent}, in
spite of all her strict Guards, and run away with me.
*
{Dres.} How, wilt thou tell him of it, then?
*
{Wild.} Hear me---That I have hitherto secur'd her at a
Friend's House here in the City; but diligent search being
now made, dare trust her there no longer: and make it my
humble Request by you, my Friend, (who are only privy
to this Secret) that he wou'd give me leave to bring her
home to his House, whose very Authority will defend her
from being sought for there.
*
{Dres.} Ay, Sir, but what will come of this, I say?
*
{Wild.} Why, a Settlement; you know he has already
made me Heir to all he has, after his decease: but for being
a wicked Tory, as he calls me, he has after the Writings
were made, sign'd, and seal'd, refus'd to give 'em in trust.
Now when he sees I have made my self Master of so vast
a Fortune, he will immediately surrender; that reconciles
all again.
*
{Dres.} Very likely; but wo't thou trust him with the
Woman, {Thomas}.
*
{Wild.} No, here's {Diana}, who, as I shall bedizen, shall
pass for as substantial an Alderman's Heiress as ever fell
into wicked Hands. He never knew the right {Charlot},
nor indeed has any body ever seen her but an old Aunt
and Nurse, she was so kept up---And there, {Diana}, thou
shalt have a good opportunity to lye, dissemble, and jilt in
abundance, to keep thy hand in ure. Prithee, dear {Dresswell},
haste with the News to him.
*
{Dres.} Faith, I like this well enough; this Project may
take, and I'll about it.                        [{Goes out.}
*
{Wild.} Go, get ye home, and trick and betauder your
self up like a right City-Lady, rich, but ill-fashion'd; on
with all your Jewels, but not a Patch, ye Gypsy, nor no
{Spanish} Paint d'ye hear.
*
{Dia.} I'll warrant you for my part.
*
{Wild.} Then before the old Gentleman, you must behave
your self very soberly, simple, and demure, and look as
prew as at a Conventicle; and take heed you drink not
off your Glass at Table, nor rant, nor swear: one Oath
confounds our Plot, and betrays thee to be an arrant Drab.
*
{Dia.} Doubt not my Art of Dissimulation.
*
{Wild.} Go, haste and dress--- [{Ex.} Dian. Bet. {and} Boy.
{Enter Lady} Gall. {and} Closet, {above in the Balcony};
Wild. {going out, sees them, stops, and reads a Paper}.
{Wild.} Hah, who's yonder? the Widow! a Pox upon't,
now have I not power to stir; she has a damn'd hank
upon my Heart, and nothing but right down lying with
her will dissolve the Charm. She has forbid me seeing her,
and therefore I am sure will the sooner take notice of me.
                                                  [{Reads.}
*
{Clos.} What will you put on to night, Madam? you
know you are to sup at Sir {Timothy Treat-all's}.
*
L. {Gal.} Time enough for that; prithee let's take a turn
in this Balcony, this City-Garden, where we walk to take
the fresh Air of the Sea-coal Smoak. Did the Footman
go back, as I ordered him, to see how {Wilding} and Sir
{Charles} parted?
*
{Clos.} He did, Madam, and nothing cou'd provoke Sir
{Charles} to fight after your Ladyship's strict Commands.
Well, I'll swear he's the sweetest natur'd Gentleman---
has all the advantages of Nature and Fortune: I wonder
what Exception your Ladyship has to him.
*
L. {Gal.} Some small Exception to his whining Humour;
but I think my chiefest dislike is, because my Relations
wish it a Match between us.
It is not hate to him, but natural contradiction. Hah, is
not that {Wilding} yonder? he's reading of a Letter sure.
*
{Wild.} So, she sees me. Now for an Art to make her
lure me up: for though I have a greater mind than she,
it shall be all her own; the Match she told me of this
Morning with my Uncle, sticks plaguily upon my Stomach;
I must break the Neck on't, or break the Widow's Heart,
that's certain. If I advance towards the Door now, she
frowningly retires; if I pass on, 'tis likely she may call
me.                                            [{Advances.}
*
L. {Gal.} I think he's passing on,
Without so much as looking towards the Window.
*
{Clos.} He's glad of the excuse of being forbidden.
*
L. {Gal.} But, {Closet}, know'st thou not he has abus'd my
  Fame,
And does he think to pass thus unupbraided?
Is there no Art to make him look this way?
No Trick---Prithee feign to laugh.        [Clos. {laughs}.
*
{Wild.} So, I shall not answer to that Call.
*
L. {Gal.} He's going! Ah, {Closet}, my Fan!---
                [{Lets fall her Fan just as he passes by; he
                     takes it up, and looks up.}
Cry mercy, Sir, I am sorry I must trouble you to bring it.
*
{Wild.} Faith, so am I; and you may spare my Pains,
and send your Woman for't, I'm in haste.
*
L. {Gal.} Then the quickest way will be to bring it.
                   [{Goes out of the Balcony with} Closet.
*
{Wild.} I knew I should be drawn in one way or other.
*

#SCENE III. {Changes to a Chamber.}

{Enter L.} Galliard, Wilding, Closet. {To them} Wilding,
             {delivers the Fan, and is retiring}.
L. {Gal.} Stay, I hear you're wondrous free of your
Tongue, when 'tis let loose on me.
*
{Wild.} Who, I, Widow? I think of no such trifles.
*
L. {Gal.} Such Railers never think when they're abusive;
but something you have said, a Lye so infamous!
*
{Wild.} A Lye, and infamous of you! impossible!
What was it that I call'd you, Wise or Honest?
*
L. {Gal.} How can you accuse me with the want of either?
*
{Wild.} Yes, of both: Had you a grain of Honesty, or
intended ever to be thought so, wou'd you have the impudence
to marry an old Coxcomb, a Fellow that will
not so much as serve you for a Cloke, he is so visibly and
undeniably impotent?
*
L. {Gal.} Your Uncle you mean.
*
{Wild.} I do, who has not known the Joy of Fornication
this thirty Year, and now the Devil and you have put it
into his Head to marry, forsooth. Oh, the Felicity of the
Wedding-Night!
*
L. {Gal.} Which you, with all your railing Rhetorick,
shall not have power to hinder.
*
{Wild.} Not if you can help it; for I perceive you are
resolved to be a leud incorrigible Sinner, and marry'st this
seditious doting Fool my Uncle, only to hang him out for
the sign of the Cuckold, to give notice where Beauty is
to be purchas'd, for fear otherwise we should mistake, and
think thee honest.
*
L. {Gal.} So much for my want of Honesty; my Wit is
the part of the Text you are to handle next.
*
{Wild.} Let the World judge of that by this one Action:
This Marriage undisputably robs you both of your Reputation
and Pleasure. Marry an old Fool, because he's
rich! when so many handsome proper younger Brothers
wou'd be glad of you.
*
L. {Gal.} Of which hopeful number your self are one.
*
{Wild.} Who, I! Bear witness, {Closet}; take notice I'm
upon my Marriage, Widow, and such a Scandal on my
Reputation might ruin me; therefore have a care what
you say.
*
L. {Gal.} Ha, ha, ha, Marriage! Yes, I hear you give it
out, you are to be married to me: for which Defamation,
if I be not reveng'd, hang me.
*
{Wild.} Yes, you are reveng'd; I had the fame of vanquishing
where'er I laid my Seige, till I knew thee, hard-hearted
thee; had the honest Reputation of lying with
the Magistrates Wives, when their Reverend Husbands
were employ'd in the necessary Affairs of the Nation,
seditiously petitioning: and then I was esteemed; but
now they look on me as a monstrous thing, that makes
honourable Love to you. Oh, hideous, a Husband Lover!
so that now I may protest, and swear, and lye my Heart
out, I find neither Credit nor Kindness; but when I beg
for either, my Lady {Galliard's} thrown in my Dish: Then
they laugh aloud, and cry, who wou'd think it of gay, of
fine Mr. {Wilding}? Thus the City She-wits are let loose
upon me, and all for you, sweet Widow: but I am resolv'd
I will redeem my Reputation again, if never seeing you,
nor writing to you more, will do it. And so farewel,
faithless and scandalous honest Woman.
*
L. {Gal.} Stay, Tyrant.
*
{Wild.} I am engag'd.
*
L. {Gal.} You are not.
*
{Wild.} I am, and am resolv'd to lose no more time on
a peevish Woman, who values her Honour above her
Lover.                               [{He goes out.}
*
L. {Gal.} Go, this is the noblest way of losing thee.
*
{Clos.} Must I not call him back?
*
L. {Gal.} No, if any honest Lover come, admit him;
I will forget this Devil. Fetch me some Jewels; the
Company to night at Sir {Timothy's} may divert me.
                          [{She sits down before her Glass.}
*
                     {Enter} Boy.
{Boy.} Madam, one, Sir {Anthony Meriwill}, wou'd speak
with your Ladyship.
*
L. {Gal.} Admit him; sure 'tis Sir {Charles} his Uncle; if he
come to treat a Match with me for his Nephew, he takes
me in a critical Minute. Wou'd hebut leave his whining,
I might love him, if 'twere but in Revenge.
*
     {Enter Sir} Anthony Meriwill {and Sir} Charles.
Sir. {Anth.} So, I have tutor'd the young Rogue, I hope
he'll learn in time. Good Day to your Ladyship; {Charles}
[{putting him forward}] my Nephew here, Madam---Sirrah
---notwithstanding your Ladyship's Commands---Look
how he stands now, being a mad young Rascal!---Gad, he
wou'd wait on your Ladyship---A Devil on him, see if
he'll budge now---For he's a brisk Lover, Madam, when
he once begins. A Pox on him, he'll spoil all yet.
*
L. {Gal.} Please you sit, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} Madam, I beg your Pardon for my Rudeness.
*
L. {Gal.} Still whining?---   [{Dressing her self carelesly.}
*
Sir {Anth.} D'ye hear that, Sirrah? oh, damn it, beg Pardon!
the Rogue's quite out of's part.
*
Sir {Char.} Madam, I fear my Visit is unseasonable.
*
Sir {Anth.} Unseasonable! damn'd Rogue, unseasonable
to a Widow?---Quite out.
*
L. {Gal.} There are indeed some Ladies that wou'd be
angry at an untimely Visit, before they've put on their best
Faces, but I am none of those that wou'd be fair in spite
of Nature, Sir---Put on this Jewel here.      [{To} Clos.
*
Sir {Char.} That Beauty needs no Ornament, Heaven has
been too bountiful.
*
Sir {Anth.} Heaven! Oh Lord, Heaven! a puritanical
Rogue, he courts her like her Chaplain.    [{Aside, vext.}
*
L. {Gal.} You are still so full of University Complements---
*
Sir {Anth.} D'ye hear that, Sirrah?---Ay, so he is, indeed,
Madam---To her like a Man, ye Knave.  [{Aside to him.}
*
Sir {Char.} Ah, Madam, I am come---
*
Sir {Anth.} To shew your self a Coxcomb.
*
L. {Gal.} To tire me with Discourses of your Passion---
Fie, how this Curl fits!            [{Looking in the Glass.}
*
Sir {Char.} No, you shall hear no more of that ungrateful
Subject.
*
Sir {Anth.} Son of a Whore, hear no more of Love, damn'd
Rogue! Madam, by {George}, he lyes; he does come to speak
of Love, and make Love, and to do Love, and all for Love---
Not come to speak of Love, with a Pox! Owns, Sir, behave
your self like a Man; be impudent, be saucy, forward,
bold, touzing, and leud, d'ye hear, or I'll beat thee before
her: why, what a Pox!    [{Aside to him, he minds it not.}
*
Sir {Char.} Finding my Hopes quite lost in your unequal
Favours to young {Wilding}, I'm quitting of the Town.
*
L. {Gal.} You will do well to do so---lay by that Necklace,
I'll wear Pearl to day.                           [{To} Clos.
*
Sir {Anth.} Confounded Blockhead!---by {George}, he lyes
again, Madam. A Dog, I'll disinherit him. [{Aside.}] He
quit the Town, Madam! no, not whilst your Ladyship is
in it, to my Knowledge. He'll live in the Town, nay, in
the Street where you live; nay, in the House; nay, in the
very Bed, by {George}; I've heard him a thousand times
swear it. Swear it now, Sirrah: look, look, how he stands
now! Why, dear {Charles}, good Boy, swear a little, ruffle
her, and swear, damn it, she shall have none but thee.
[{Aside to him.}] Why, you little think, Madam, that this
Nephew of mine is one of the maddest Fellows in all
{Devonshire}.
*
L. {Gal.} Wou'd I cou'd see't, Sir.
*
Sir {Anth.} See't! look ye there, ye Rogue---Why, 'tis all
his Fault, Madam. He's seldom sober; then he has a dozen
Wenches in pay, that he may with the more Authority
break their Windows. There's never a Maid within forty
Miles of {Meriwill}-Hall to work a Miracle on, but all are
Mothers. He's a hopeful Youth, I'll say that for him.
*
Sir {Char.} How I have lov'd you, my Despairs shall
witness: for I will die to purchase your Content. [{She rises.}
*
Sir {Anth.} Die, a damn'd Rogue! Ay, ay, I'll disinherit
him: A Dog, die, with a Pox! No, he'll be hang'd first,
Madam.
*
Sir {Char.} And sure you'll pity me when I'm dead.
*
Sir {Anth.} A curse on him; pity, with a Pox. I'll give
him ne'er a Souse.
*
L. {Gal.} Give me that Essence-bottle.      [{To} Clos.
*
Sir {Char.} But for a Recompence of all my Sufferings---
*
L. {Gal.} Sprinkle my Handkerchief with Tuberose.
                                          [{To} Clos.
*
Sir {Char.} I beg a Favour you'd afford a Stranger.
*
L. {Gal.} Sooner, perhaps. What Jewel's that? [{To} Clos.
*
{Clos.} One Sir {Charles Meriwill}---
*
L. {Gal.} Sent, and you receiv'd without my Order!
No wonder that he looks so scurvily.
Give him the Trifle back to mend his Humour.
*
Sir {Anth.} I thank you, Madam, for that Reprimand.
Look in that Glass, Sir, and admire that sneaking Coxcomb's
Countenance of yours: a pox on him, he's past Grace,
lost, gone: not a Souse, not a Groat; good b'ye to you,
Sir. Madam, I beg your Pardon; the next time I come
a wooing, it shall be for my self, Madam, and I have
something that will justify it too; but as for this Fellow,
if your Ladyship have e'er a small Page at leisure, I desire
he may have Order to kick him down Stairs. A damn'd
Rogue, to be civil now, when he shou'd have behav'd
himself handsomely! Not an Acre, not a Shilling---buy
Sir Softhead.  [{Going out meets} Wild. {and returns}.] Hah,
who have we here, hum, the fine mad Fellow? so, so,
he'll swinge him, I hope; I'll stay to have the pleasure
of seeing it done.
*
     {Enter} Wilding, {brushes by Sir} Charles.
{Wild.} I was sure 'twas {Meriwill's} Coach at Door.
                                                [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Char.} Hah, {Wilding}!
*
Sir {Anth.} Ay, now, Sir, here's one will waken ye, Sir.
                                          [{To Sir} Char.
*
{Wild.} How now, Widow, you are always giving
Audience to Lovers, I see.
*
Sir {Char.} You're very free, Sir.
*
{Wild.} I am always so in the Widow's Lodgings, Sir.
*
Sir {Anth.} A rare Fellow!
*
Sir {Char.} You will not do't elsewhere?
*
{Wild.} Not with so much Authority.
*
Sir {Anth.} An admirable Fellow! I must be acquainted
with him.
*
Sir {Char.} Is this the Respect you pay Women of her
Quality?
*
{Wild.} The Widow knows I stand not much upon
Ceremonies.
*
Sir {Anth.} Gad, he shall be my Heir.     [{Aside still.}
*
L. {Gal.} Pardon him, Sir, this is his {Cambridge} Breeding.
*
Sir {Anth.} Ay, so 'tis, so 'tis, that two Years there quite
spoil'd him.
*
L. {Gal.} Sir, if you've any further Business with me,
speak it; if not, I'm going forth.
*
Sir {Char.} Madam, in short---
*
Sir {Anth.} In short to a Widow, in short! quite lost.
*
Sir {Char.} I find you treat me ill for my Respect;
And when I court you next,
I will forget how very much I love you.
*
Sir {Anth.} Sir, I shall be proud of your farther Acquaintance;
for I like, love, and honour you.                 [{To} Wild.
*
{Wild.} I'll study to deserve it, Sir.
*
Sir {Anth.} Madam, your Servant. A damn'd sneaking
Dog, to be civil and modest with a Pox!
                          [{Ex. Sir} Char. {and Sir} Anth.
*
L. {Gal.} See if my Coach be ready.        [{Ex.} Clos.
*
{Wild.} Whether are you janting now?
*
L. {Gal.} Where you dare not wait on me, to your
Uncle's to Supper.
*
{Wild.} That Uncle of mine pimps for all the Sparks of
  his Party;
There they all meet and bargain without Scandal:
Fops of all sorts and sizes you may chuse,
Whig-land offers not such another Market.
*
                     {Enter} Closet.
{Clos.} Madam, here's Sir {Timothy Treat-all} come to wait
on your Ladyship to Supper.
*
{Wild.} My Uncle! Oh, damn him, he was born to be
my Plague: not-Disinheriting me had not been so great a
Disappointment; and if he sees me here, I ruin all the
Plots I've laid for him. Ha, he's here.
*
                     {Enter Sir} Tim.
Sir {Tim.} How, my Nephew {Thomas} here!
*
{Wild.} Madam, I find you can be cruel too,
Knowing my Uncle has abandon'd me.
*
Sir {Tim.} How now, Sir, what's your Business here?
*
{Wild.} I came to beg a Favour of my Lady {Galliard},
Sir, knowing her Power and Quality here in the City.
*
Sir {Tim.} How a Favour of my Lady {Galliard}! The
Rogue said indeed he would cuckold me. [{Aside.}] Why,
Sir, I thought you had been taken up with your rich Heiress?
*
{Wild.} That was my Business now, Sir: Having in my
possession the Daughter and Heir of Sir {Nicholas Gett-all},
I would have made use of the Authority of my Lady
{Galliard's} House to have secur'd her, till I got things in
order for our Marriage; but my Lady, to put me off, cries
I have an Uncle.
*
L. {Gal.} A well contrived Lye.                [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Well, I have heard of your good Fortune; and
however a Reprobate thou hast been, I'll not shew my self
so undutiful an Uncle, as not to give the Gentlewoman a
little House-room: I heard indeed she was gone a week ago,
And, Sir, my House is at your Service.
*
{Wild.} I humbly thank you, Sir. Madam, your
Servant. A pox upon him and his Association.  [{Goes out.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Come, Madam, my Coach waits below. [{Exit.}
*

#ACT III.
#SCENE I. {A Room.}

     {Enter Sir} Timothy Treat-all, {and} Jervice.
Sir {Tim.} Here, take my Sword, {Jervice}. What have you
inquir'd, as I directed you, concerning the rich Heiress,
Sir {Nicholas Get-all's} Daughter?
*
{Jer.} Alas, Sir, inquir'd! why, 'tis all the City-News that
she's run away with one of the maddest Tories about Town.
*
Sir {Tim.} Good Lord! Ay, ay, 'tis so; the plaguy Rogue
my Nephew has got her. That Heaven shou'd drop such
Blessings in the Mouths of the wicked! Well, {Jervice}, what
Company have we in the House, {Jervice}?
*
{Jer.} Why truly, Sir, a fine deal, considering there's no
Parliament.
*
Sir {Tim.} What Lords have we, {Jervice}?
*
{Jer.} Lords, Sir, truly none.
*
Sir {Tim.} None! what, ne'er a Lord! some mishap will
befall me, some dire mischance! Ne'er a Lord! ominous,
ominous! our Party dwindles daily. What, nor Earl, nor
Marquess, nor Duke, nor ne'er a Lord! Hum, my Wine
will lie most villanously upon my Hands to Night. {Jervice},
what, have we store of Knights and Gentlemen?
*
{Jer.} I know not what Gentlemen there be, Sir; but
there are Knights, Citizens, their Wives and Daughters.
*
Sir {Tim.} Make us thankful for that; our Meat will
not lie upon our Hands then, {Jervice}: I'll say that for
our little {Londoners}, they are as tall Fellows at a well-charg'd
Board as any in {Christendom}.
*
{Jer.} Then, Sir, there's Nonconformist-Parsons.
*
Sir {Tim.} Nay, then we shall have a clear Board; for
your true Protestant Appetite in a Lay-Elder, does a
Man's Table Credit.
*
{Jer.} Then, Sir, there's Country Justices and Grand-Jury-Men.
*
Sir {Tim.} Well enough, well enough, {Jervice}.
*
                {Enter Mrs.} Sensure.
{Sen.} An't like your Worship, Mr. {Wilding} is come in
with a Lady richly drest in Jewels, mask'd, in his Hand,
and will not be deny'd speaking with your Worship.
*
Sir {Tim.} Hah, rich in Jewels! this must be she. My
Sword again, {Jervice}.---Bring 'em up, {Sensure}.---Prithee
how do I look to Night, {Jervice}?       [{Setting himself.}
*
{Jer.} Oh, most methodically, Sir.
*
        {Enter} Wild, {with} Diana, {and} Betty.
{Wild.} Sir, I have brought into your kind protection
the richest Jewel all {London} can afford, fair Mrs. {Charlot
Gett-all}.
*
Sir {Tim.} Bless us, she's ravishing fair! Lady, I had
the honour of being intimate with your worthy Father.
I think he has been dead---
*
{Dia.} If he catechize me much on that point, I shall
spoil all.                                   [{Aside.}
Alas, Sir, name him not; for if you do, [{weeping.}] I'm
sure I cannot answer you one Question.
*
{Wild.} For Heaven sake, Sir, name not her Father to
her; the bare remembrance of him kills her. [{Aside to him.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Alas, poor Soul! Lady, I beg your Pardon.
How soft-hearted she is! I am in love; I find already a
kind of tickling of I know not what, run frisking through
my Veins.                                        [{Aside.}
*
{Bet.} Ay, Sir, the good Alderman has been dead this
twelve-month just, and has left his Daughter here, my
Mistress, three thousand Pound a Year.       [{Weeping.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Three thousand Pound a Year! Yes, yes, I
am in love.                                 [{Aside.}
*
{Bet.} Besides Money, Plate, and Jewels.
*
Sir {Tim.} I'll marry her out of hand, [{Aside.}] Alas, I
cou'd even weep too; but 'tis in vain. Well, Nephew,
you may be gone now; for 'tis not necessary you shou'd
be seen here, d'ye see.                  [{Pushing him out.}
*
{Wild.} You see, Sir, now, what Heaven has done for
me; and you have often told me, Sir, when that was kind
you wou'd be so. Those Writings, Sir, by which you
were so good to make me Heir to all your Estate, you said
you wou'd put into my possession, whene'er I made it appear
to you I could live without 'em, or bring you a Wife of
Fortune home.
*
Sir {Tim.} And I will keep my word; 'tis time enough.
                                    [{Putting him out.}
*
{Wild.} I have, 'tis true, been wicked; but I shall now
turn from my evil ways, establish my self in the religious
City, and enter into the Association. There want but these
same Writings, Sir, and your good Character of me.
*
Sir {Tim.} Thou shalt have both, all in good time, Man: Go,
go thy ways, and I'll warrant thee for a good Character, go.
*
{Wild.} Ay, Sir, but the Writings, because I told her,
Sir, I was your Heir; nay, forc'd to swear too, before she
wou'd believe me.
*
Sir {Tim.} Alas, alas! how shreudly thou wert put to't!
*
{Wild.} I told her too, you'd buy a Patent for me; for
nothing woos a City-Fortune like the hopes of a Ladyship.
*
Sir {Tim.} I'm glad of that; that I can settle on her
presently.                                      [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} You may please to hint something to her of my
godly Life and Conversation; that I frequent Conventicles,
and am drunk no where but at your true Protestant
Consults and Clubs, and the like.
*
Sir {Tim.} Nay, if these will please her, I have her for
certain. [{Aside.}] Go, go, fear not my good word.
*
{Wild.} But the Writings, Sir---
*
Sir {Tim.} Am I a Jew, a Turk? Thou shalt have any
thing, now I find thee a Lad of Parts, and one that can
provide so well for thy Uncle.                    [{Aside.}
           [{Puts him out, and addresses himself to the Lady.}
*
{Wild.} Wou'd they were hang'd that trust you, that
have but the art of Legerdemain, and can open the Japan-Cabinet
in your Bed-chamber, where I know those Writings
are kept. Death, what a disappointment's here! I wou'd
ha' sworn this Sham had past upon him. [{Aside.}] But,
Sir, shall I not have the Writings now?
*
Sir {Tim.} What, not gone yet! for shame, away; canst
thou distrust thy own natural Uncle? Fie, away, {Tom},
away.
*
{Wild.} A Plague upon your damn'd Dissimulation, that
never failing Badge of all your Party, there's always
mischief at the bottom on't; I know ye all; and Fortune
be the Word. When next I see you, Uncle, it shall cost
you dearer.                                     [{Exit.}
*
                   {Enter} Jervice.
{Jer.} An't please your Worship, Supper's almost over,
and you are askt for.
*
Sir {Tim.} They know I never sup; I shall come time
enough to bid 'em welcome.                [{Exit} Jer.
*
{Dia.} I keep you, Sir, from Supper, and better Company.
*
Sir {Tim.} Lady, Were I a Glutton, I cou'd be satisfy'd
With feeding on those two bright starry Eyes.
*
{Dia.} You are a Courtier, Sir; we City-Maids do seldom
hear such Language; in which you shew your kindness
to your Nephew, more than your thoughts of what my
Beauty merits.
*
Sir {Tim.} Lord, Lord, how innocent she is! [{Aside.}]
My nephew, Madam? yes, yes, I cannot chuse but be
wondrous kind upon his score.
*
{Dia.} Nay, he has often told me, you were the best of
Uncles, and he deserves your goodness, so hopeful a young
Gentleman.
*
Sir {Tim.} Wou'd I cou'd see't.                  [{Aside.}
*
{Dia.} So modest.
*
Sir {Tim.} Yes, ask my Maids.                    [{Aside.}
*
{Dia.} So civil.
*
Sir {Tim.} Yes, to my Neighbours Wives. [{Aside.}] But
so, Madam, I find by this high Commendation of my
Nephew, your Ladyship has a very slender opinion of
your devoted Servant the while: or else, Madam, with
this not disagreeable Face and Shape of mine, six thousand
Pound a year, and other Virtues and Commodities that
shall be nameless, I see no reason why I shou'd not beget
an Heir of my own Body, had I the helping hand of a
certain victorious Person in the World, that shall be nameless.
                                    [{Bowing and smirking.}
*
{Dia.} Meaning me, I am sure; if I shou'd marry him
now, and disappoint my dear Inconstant with an Heir of
his own begetting, 'twou'd be a most wicked Revenge
for past Kindnesses.                         [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} I know your Ladyship is studying now who
this victorious Person shou'd be, whom I dare not name:
but let it suffice, she is, Madam, within a Mile of an Oak.
*
{Dia.} No, Sir, I was considering, if what you say be true,
How unadvisedly I have lov'd your Nephew,
Who swore to me he was to be your Heir.
*
Sir {Tim.} My Heir, Madam! am I so visibly old to be
  so desperate?
No, I'm in my years of desires and discretion,
And I have thoughts, durst I but utter 'em;
But modestly say, Mum---
*
{Dia.} I took him for the hopefullest Gentleman---
*
Sir {Tim.} Let him hope on, so will I; and yet, Madam,
in consideration of your Love to him, and because he is
my Nephew, young, handsome, witty, and so forth, I am
content to be so much a Parent to him, as if Heaven
please,---to see him fairly hang'd.
*
{Dia.} How, Sir!                          [{In amaze.}
*
Sir {Tim.} He has deserv'd it, Madam: First, for lampooning
the Reverend City with its noble Government,
with the Right Honourable Gown-men; libelling some
for Feasting, and some for Fasting, some for Cuckolds,
and some for Cuckold-makers; charging us with all the
seven deadly Sins, the Sins of our Fore-fathers, adding
seven score more to the number; the Sins of Forty-One
reviv'd again in Eighty-One, with Additions and Amendments;
for which, though the Writings were drawn, by
which I made him my whole Executor, I will disinherit
him. Secondly, Madam, he deserves hanging for seducing,
and most feloniously bearing away a young City-Heiress.
*
{Dia.} Undone, undone! Oh, with what Face can I
  return again!
What Man of Wealth or Reputation, now
Will think me worth the owning!      [{Feigns to weep.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Yes, yes, Madam, there are honest, discreet,
religious, and true Protestant Knights in the City, that
wou'd be proud to dignify and distinguish so worthy a
Gentlewoman.                    [{Bowing and smiling.}
*
{Bet.} Look to your hits, and take fortune by the forelock,
Madam.                                          [{Aside.}
---Alas, Madam, no Knight, and poor too!
*
Sir {Tim.} As a Tory Poet.
*
{Bet.} Well, Madam, take Comfort; if the worst come
to the worst, you have Estate enough for both.
*
{Dia.} Ay, {Betty}, were he but honest, {Betty}. [{Weeping.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Honest! I think he will not steal; but for his
Body, the Lord have mercy upon't, for he has none.
*
{Dia.} 'Tis evident, I am betray'd, abus'd;
H'as lookt and sigh'd, and talkt away my Heart;
H'as sworn, and vow'd, and flatter'd me to ruin.
                                               [{Weeping.}
*
Sir {Tim.} A small fault with him; he has flatter'd and
sworn me out of many a fair Thousand: why, he has no
more Conscience than a Politician, nor no more Truth
than a Narrative (under the Rose).
*
{Dia.} Is there no Truth nor Honesty i'th' World?
*
Sir {Tim.} Troth, very little, and that lies all i'th' City
amongst us sober Magistrates.
*
{Dia.} Were I a Man, how wou'd I be reveng'd!
*
Sir {Tim.} Your Ladyship might do it better as you are
were I worthy to advise you.
*
{Dia.} Name it.
*
Sir {Tim.} Why, by marrying your Ladyship's most
assur'd Friend, and most humble Servant, {Timothy Treat-all}
of {London}, Alderman.                         [{Bowing.}
*
{Bet.} Ay, this is something, Mistress; here's Reason.
*
{Dia.} But I have given my Faith and Troth to {Wilding,
Betty}.
*
Sir {Tim.} Faith and Troth! We stand upon neither
Faith nor Troth in the City, Lady. I have known an
Heiress married and bedded, and yet with the Advice of
the wiser Magistrates, has been unmarried and consummated
anew with another, so it stands with our Interest:
'tis Law by {Magna Charta}. Nay, had you married my
ungracious Nephew, we might by this our {Magna Charta}
have hang'd him for a Rape.
*
{Dia.} What, though he had my Consent?
*
Sir {Tim.} That's nothing, he had not ours.
*
{Dia.} Then shou'd I marry you by stealth, the Danger
wou'd be the same.
*
Sir {Tim.} No, no, Madam, we never accuse one another;
'tis the poor Rogues, the Tory Rascals we always hang.
Let 'em accuse me if they please; alas, I come off hand-smooth
with {Ignoramus}.
*
                     {Enter} Jervice.
{Jer.} Sir, there's such a calling for your Worship! They
are all very merry, the Glasses go briskly about.
*
Sir {Tim.} Go, go, I'll come when all the Healths are
past; I love no Healths.
*
{Jer.} They are all over, Sir, and the Ladies are for
dancing; so they are all adjourning from the Dining-room
hither, as more commodious for that Exercise. I
think they're coming, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} Hah, coming! Call {Sensure} to wait on the
Lady to her Apartment.---[{Enter} Sensure.] And, Madam,
I do most heartily recommend my most humble Address
to your most judicious Consideration, hoping you will
most vigorously, and with all your might, maintain the
Rights and Privileges of the Honourable City; and not
suffer the Force or Persuasion of any Arbitrary Lover
whatsoever, to subvert their antient and Fundamental
Laws, by seducing and forcibly bearing away so rich and
so illustrious a Lady: and, Madam, we will unaminously
stand by you with our Lives and Fortunes.---This I learnt
from a Speech at the Election of a Burgess.      [{Aside.}
          [{Leads her to the Door; She goes out with} Betty
             {and} Sensure.
*
  {Enter Musick playing, Sir} Anthony Meriwill {dancing
     with a Lady in his Hand, Sir} Charles {with Lady}
     Galliard, {several other Women and Men}.
Sir {Anth.} [{singing.}]
     Philander {was a jolly Swain},
        {And lov'd by ev'ry Lass;}
     {Whom when he met along the Plain,}
        {He laid upon the Grass.}

     {And here he kist, and there he play'd}
        {With this and then the t'other,}
     {Till every wanton smiling Maid}
        {At last became a Mother.}

     {And to her Swain, and to her Swain,}
        {The Nymph begins to yield;}
     {Ruffle, and breathe, then to't again,}
        {Thou'rt Master of the Field.}
                  [Clapping Sir {Char.} on the back.
*
Sir {Char.} And if I keep it not, say I'm a Coward, Uncle.
*
Sir {Anth.} More Wine there, Boys, I'll keep the Humour
up.                           [{Enter Bottles and Glasses.}
*
Sir {Tim.} How! young {Meriwill} so close to the Widow---
Madam--- [{Addressing himself to her, Sir} Char. {puts him by}.
*
Sir {Char.} Sir {Timothy}, why, what a Pox dost thou
bring that damn'd Puritanical, Schismatical, Fanatical,
Small-beer-Face of thine into good Company? Give him
a full Glass to the Widow's Health.
*
Sir {Tim.} O lack, Sir {Charles}, no Healths for me, I pray.
*
Sir {Char.} Hark ye, leave that cozening, canting, sanctify'd
Sneer of yours, and drink ye me like a sober loyal Magistrate,
all those Healths you are behind, from his sacred Majesty,
whom God long preserve, with the rest of the Royal Family,
even down to this wicked Widow, whom Heaven soon
convert from her leud designs upon my Body.
                               [{Pulling Sir} Tim. {to kneel}.
*
Sir {Anth.} A rare Boy! he shall have all my Estate.
*
Sir {Tim.} How, the Widow a leud design upon his
Body! Nay, then I am jealous.             [{Aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} I a leud design upon your Body; for what, I
wonder?
*
Sir {Char.} Why, for villanous Matrimony.
*
L. {Gal.} Who, I?
*
Sir {Char.} Who, you! yes, you.
Why are those Eyes drest in inviting Love?
Those soft bewitching Smiles, those rising Breasts,
And all those Charms that make you so adorable,
Is't not to draw Fools into Matrimony?
*
Sir {Anth.} How's that, how's that! {Charles} at his Adorables
and Charms! He must have t'other Health, he'll
fall to his old Dog-trot again else. Come, come, every
man his Glass; Sir {Timothy}, you are six behind: Come,
come, {Charles}, name 'em all.
       [{Each take a Glass, and force Sir} Tim. {on his knees}.
*
Sir {Char.}---Not bate ye an Ace, Sir. Come, his Majesty's
Health, and Confusion to his Enemies.
                [{They go to force his Mouth open to drink.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Hold, Sir, hold, if I must drink, I must; but
this is very arbitrary, methinks.                [{Drinks.}
*
Sir {Anth.} And now, Sir, to the Royal Duke of {Albany}.
Musick, play a {Scotch} Jig.     [{Music plays, they drink.}
*
Sir {Tim.} This is mere Tyranny.
*
                     {Enter} Jervice.
{Jer.} Sir, there is alighted at the Gate a Person of Quality,
as appears by his Train, who give him the Title of a Lord.
*
Sir {Tim.} How, a strange Lord! Conduct him up with
Ceremony, {Jervice}---'Ods so, he's here!
*
{Enter} Wilding {in disguise}, Dresswell, {and Footmen and
                             Pages}.
{Wild.} Sir, by your Reverend Aspect, you shou'd be the
renown'd {Mester de Hotel}.
*
Sir {Tim. Mater de Otell!} I have not the Honour to
know any of that Name, I am call'd Sir {Timothy Treat-all}.
                                                [{Bowing.}
*
{Wild.} The same, Sir; I have been bred abroad, and
thought all Persons of Quality had spoke French.
*
Sir {Tim.} Not City Persons of Quality, my Lord.
*
{Wild.} I'm glad on't, Sir; for 'tis a Nation I hate, as
indeed I do all Monarchies.
*
Sir {Tim.} Hum! hate Monarchy! Your Lordship is
most welcome.                           [{Bows.}
*
{Wild.} Unless Elective Monarchies, which so resemble
a Commonwealth.
*
Sir {Tim.} Right, my Lord; where every Man may hope to
take his turn---Your Lordship is most singularly welcome.
                                               [{Bows low.}
*
{Wild.} And though I am a Stranger to your Person, I am
not to your Fame, amongst the sober Party of the {Amsterdamians},
all the French Hugonots throughout {Geneva}; even
to {Hungary} and {Poland}, Fame's Trumpet sounds your
Praise, making the Pope to fear, the rest admire you.
*
Sir {Anth.} I'm much oblig'd to the renowned Mobile.
*
{Wild.} So you will say, when you shall hear my Embassy.
The {Polanders} by me salute you, Sir, and have in this next
new Election prick'd ye down for their succeeding King.
*
Sir {Tim.} How, my Lord, prick'd me down for a King!
Why, this is wonderful! Prick'd me, unworthy me down
for a King! How cou'd I merit this amazing Glory!
*
{Wild.} They know, he that can be so great a Patriot to
his Native Country, where but a private Person, what
must he be when Power is on his side?
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, my Lord, my Country, my bleeding
Country! there's the stop to all my rising Greatness.
Shall I be so ungrateful to disappoint this big expecting
Nation? defeat the sober Party, and my Neighbours, for
any Polish Crown? But yet, my Lord, I will consider
on't: Mean time my House is yours.
*
{Wild.} I've brought you, Sir, the Measure of the Crown:
Ha, it fits you to a Hair.
                   [{Pulls out a Ribband, measures his Head.}
You were by Heav'n and Nature fram'd that Monarch.
*
Sir {Anth.} Hah, at it again!
                          [{Sir} Charles {making sober Love}.
Come, we grow dull, {Charles}; where stands the Glass?
What, balk my Lady {Galliard's} Health! [{They go to drink.}
*
{Wild.} Hah, {Galliard}---and so sweet on {Meriwill}! [{Aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} If it be your business, Sir, to drink, I'll
withdraw.
*
Sir {Char.} Gad, and I'll withdraw with you, Widow.
Hark ye, Lady {Galliard}, I am damnably afraid you cannot
bear Liquor well, you are so forward to leave good Company
and a Bottle.
*
Sir {Tim.} Well, Gentlemen, since I have done what I
never do, to oblige you, I hope you will not refuse a
Health of my Denomination.
*
Sir {Anth.} We scorn to be so uncivil. [{All take the Glasses.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Why then here's a conceal'd Health that shall
be nameless, to his Grace the King of {Poland}.
*
Sir {Char.} King of {Poland}! Lord, Lord, how your
Thoughts ramble!
*
Sir {Tim.} Not so far as you imagine; I know what I say, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} Away with it.                 [{Drink all.}
*
{Wild.} I see, Sir, you still keep up that English Hospitality
that so renowned our Ancestors in History.
                                    [{Looking on L.} Gal.
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, my Lord, my noble Guests are my Wife
and Children.
*
{Wild.} Are you not married, then? Death, she smiles
on him.                                      [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} I had a Wife, but rest her Soul, she's dead;
and I have no Plague left now but an ungracious Nephew,
perverted with ill Customs, Tantivy Opinions, and Court-Notions.
*
{Wild.} Cannot your pious Examples convert him?
By Heaven, she's fond of him!                   [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Alas, I have try'd all ways, fair and foul; nay,
had settled t'other Day my whole Estate upon him, and
just as I had sign'd the Writings, out comes me a damn'd
Libel, call'd, {A Warning to all good Christians against the
City-Magistrates}; and I doubt he had a Hand in {Absalom}
and {Achitophel}, a Rogue. But some of our sober Party
have claw'd him home, i' faith, and given him Rhyme for
his Reason.
*
{Wild.} Most visibly in Love! Oh, Sir, Nature, Laws,
and Religion plead for so near a Kinsman.
*
Sir {Tim.} Laws and Religion! Alas, my Lord, he
deserves not the Name of a Patriot, who does not for the
publick Good, defy all Laws and Religion.
*
{Wild.} Death, I must interrupt 'em---Sir, pray what
Lady's that.                         [Wild. {salutes her}.
*
Sir {Tim.} I beseech your Lordship know her, 'tis my
Lady {Galliard}; the rest are all my Friends and Neighbours,
true Protestants all---Well, my Lord, how do you like my
Method of doing the business of the Nation, and carrying
on the Cause with Wine, Women, and so forth?
*
{Wild.} High Feeding and smart Drinking, gains more
to the Party, than your smart Preaching.
*
Sir {Tim.} Your Lordship has hit it right: a rare Man this!
*
{Wild.} But come, Sir, leave serious Affairs, and oblige
these fair ones.
  [{Addresses himself to} Galliard, {Sir} Charles {puts him by}.
*
  {Enter} Charlot {disguised}, Clacket {and} Foppington.
{Char.} Heavens, {Clacket}, yonder's my False one, and
that my lovely Rival.     [{Pointing to} Wild. {and L.} Gal.
*
     {Enter} Diana {and} Sensure {mask'd, and} Betty.
{Dia.} Dear Mrs. {Sensure}, this Favour has oblig'd me.
*
{Sen.} I hope you'll not discover it to his Worship, Madam.
*
{Wild.} By her Mien, this shou'd be handsome---[{Goes to}
Diana.] Madam, I hope you have not made a Resolution
to deny me the Honour of your Hand.
*
{Dia.} Ha, {Wilding}! Love can discover thee through
all Disguise.
*
{Wild.} Hah, {Diana}! wou'd 'twere Felony to wear a
Vizard. Gad, I'd rather meet it on the King's Highway,
with Stand and Deliver, than thus encounter it on the Face
of an old Mistress; and the Cheat were more excusable
---But how---                    [{Talks aside with her.}
*
Sir {Char.} Nay, never frown nor chide: For thus do I intend
to shew my Authority, till I have made thee only fit for me.
*
{Wild.} Is't so, my precious Uncle? Are you so great a
Devil in Hypocrisy? Thus had I been serv'd, had I brought
him the right Woman.                             [{Aside.}
*
{Dia.} But do not think, dear {Tommy}, I wou'd have
serv'd thee so; married thy Uncle, and have cozen'd thee
of thy Birth-right---But see, we're observ'd.
                [Charlot {listening behind him all this while}.
*
{Char.} By all that's good 'tis he! that Voice is his!
  [{He going from} Dian. {turns upon} Charlot, {and looks}.
*
{Wild.} Hah, what pretty Creature's this, that has so
much of {Charlot} in her Face? But sure she durst not
venture; 'tis not her Dress nor Mien. Dear pretty Stranger,
I must dance with you.
*
{Char.} Gued deed, and see ye shall, Sir, gen you please.
Though I's not dance, Sir, I's tell ya that noo.
*
{Wild.} Nor I, so we're well matcht. By Heaven, she's
wondrous like her.
*
{Char.} By th' Mass not so kind, Sir: 'Twere gued that
ene of us shou'd dance to guid the other weel.
*
{Wild.} How young, how innocent and free she is!
And wou'd you, fair one, be guided by me?
*
{Char.} In any thing that gued is.
*
{Wild.} I love you extremely, and wou'd teach you to love.
*
{Char.} Ah, wele aday!                  [{Sighs and smiles.}
*
{Wild.} A thing I know you do not understand.
*
{Char.} Gued faith, and ya're i'th' right, Sir; yet 'tis a
thing I's often hear ya gay men talk of.
*
{Wild.} Yes, and no doubt have been told those pretty
Eyes inspired it.
*
{Char.} Gued deed, and so I have! Ya men make sa
mickle ado about ens Eyes, ways me, I's ene tir'd with
sick-like Complements.
*
{Wild.} Ah, if you give us wounds, we must complain.
*
{Char.} Ye may ene keep out a harms way then.
*
{Wild.} Oh, we cannot; or if we cou'd, we wou'd not.
*
{Char.} Marry, and I's have ene a Song tol that tune, Sir.
*
{Wild.} Dear Creature, let me beg it.
*
{Char.} Gued faith, ya shall not, Sir, I's sing without
entreaty.
                     SONG.
     {Ah}, Jenny, {gen your Eyes do kill},
         {You'll let me tell my Pain;}
     {Gued Faith, I lov'd against my Will,}
         {But wad not break my Chain.}
     {I ence was call'd a bonny Lad,}
         {Till that fair Face of yours}
     {Betray'd the Freedom ence I had,}
         {And ad my bleether Howers.}

     {But noo ways me like Winter looks,}
         {My gloomy showering Eyne,}
     {And on the Banks of shaded Brooks}
         {I pass my wearied time.}
     {I call the Stream that gleedeth on,}
         {To witness if it see,}
     {On all the flowry Brink along,}
         {A Swain so true as Iee.}
*
{Wild.} This very Swain am I, so true and so forlorn,
unless ye pity me.---This is an excellency {Charlot} wants,
at least I never heard her sing.                     [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Anth.} Why, {Charles}, where stands the Woman,
{Charles}?                   [Fop. {comes up to} Charlot.
*
{Wild.} I must speak to {Galliard}, though all my Fortunes
depend on the Discovery of my self.                [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Anth.} Come, come, a cooling Glass about.
*
{Wild.} Dear {Dresswell}, entertain {Charles Meriwill} a
little, whilst I speak to {Galliard}.
                     [{The Men go all to the drinking Table.}
By Heaven, I die, I languish for a Word!
---Madam, I hope you have not made a Vow
To speak with none but that young Cavalier.
They say, the Freedom English Ladies use,
Is, as their Beauty, great.
*
L. {Gal.} Sir, we are none of those of so nice and delicate
a Virtue, as Conversation can corrupt; we live in a cold
Climate.
*
{Wild.} And think you're not so apt to be in Love,
As where the Sun shines oftner.
But you too much partake of the Inconstancy of this your
    fickle Climate.                  [{Maliciously to her.}
One day all Sun-shine, and th' encourag'd Lover
Decks himself up in glittering Robes of Hope;
And in the midst of all their boasted Finery
Comes a dark Cloud across his Mistress' Brow,
Dashes the Fool, and spoils the gaudy Show.
                            [{L.} Gal. {observing him nearly}.
*
L. {Gal.} Hah, do I not know that railing Tongue of yours?
*
{Wild.} 'Tis from your Guilt, not Judgment then.
I was resolv'd to be to night a Witness
Of that sworn Love you flatter'd me so often with.
By Heaven, I saw you playing with my Rival,
Sigh'd, and lookt Babies in his gloating Eyes.
When is the Assignation? When the Hours?
For he's impatient as the raging Sea,
Loose as the Winds, and amorous as the Sun,
That kisses all the Beauties of the Spring.
*
L. {Gal.} I take him for a sober Person, Sir.
*
{Wild.} Have I been the Companion of his Riots
In all the leud course of our early Youth,
Where like unwearied Bees we gather'd Flowers?
But no kind Blossom could oblige our stay,
We rifled and were gone.
*
L. {Gal.} Your Virtues I perceive are pretty equal;
Only his Love's the honester o'th' two.
*
{Wild.} Honester! that is, he wou'd owe his good Fortune
to the Parson of the Parish;
And I would be oblig'd to you alone.
He wou'd have a Licence to boast he lies with you,
And I wou'd do't with Modesty and Silence:
For Virtue's but a Name kept free from Scandal,
Which the most base of Women best preserve,
Since Jilting and Hypocrisy cheat the World best.
---But we both love, and who shall blab the Secret?
                                        [{In a soft Tone.}
*
L. {Gal.} Oh, why were all the Charms of speaking given
To that false Tongue that makes no better use of 'em?
---I'll hear no more of your inchanting Reasons.
*
{Wild.} You must.
*
L. {Gal.} I will not.
*
{Wild.} Indeed you must.
*
L. {Gal.} By all the Powers above---
*
{Wild.} By all the Powers of Love you'll break your Oath,
Unless you swear this Night to let me see you.
*
L. {Gal.} This Night.
*
{Wild.} This very Night.
*
L. {Gal.} I'd die first---At what Hour?
            [{First turns away, then sighs and looks on him.}
*
{Wild.} Oh, name it; and if I fail---           [{With Joy.}
*
L. {Gal.} I wou'd not for the World---
*
{Wild.} That I shou'd fail!
*
L. {Gal.} Not name the guilty Hour.
*
{Wild.} Then I through eager haste shall come too soon,
And do your Honour wrong.
*
L. {Gal.} My Honour! Oh, that Word!
*
{Wild.} Which the Devil was in me for naming. [{Aside.}
---At Twelve.
*
L. {Gal.} My Women and my Servants then are up.
*
{Wild.} At One, or Two.
*
L. {Gal.} So late! 'twill be so quickly Day!
*
{Wild.} Ay, so it will;
That half our Business will be left unfinisht.
*
L. {Gal.} Hah, what do you mean? what Business?
*
{Wild.} A thousand tender things I have to say;
A thousand Vows of my eternal Love;
And now and then we'll kiss and---
*
L. {Gal.} Be extremely honest.
*
{Wild.} As you can wish.
*
L. {Gal.} Rather as I command: for should he know
my wish, I were undone.                     [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} The Sign---
*
L. {Gal.} Oh, press me not---yet you may come at
Midnight under my Chamber-Window.
                [{Sir} Char. {sees 'em so close, comes to 'em}.
*
Sir {Char.} Hold, Sir, hold! Whilst I am listning to
the Relation of your French Fortifications, Outworks, and
Counterscarps, I perceive the Enemy in my Quarters---
My Lord, by your leave.   [{Puts him by, growing drunk.}
*
{Char.} Persuade me not; I burst with Jealousy.
                           [Wild. {turns, sees} Clacket.
*
{Wild.} Death and the Devil, {Clacket}! then 'tis {Charlot},
and I'm discover'd to her.
*
{Char.} Say, are you not a false dissembling thing?
                                     [{To} Wild. {in anger}.
*
{Wild.} What, my little Northern Lass translated into
English!
This 'tis to practise Art in spite of Nature.
Alas, thy Vertue, Youth, and Innocence,
Were never made for Cunning,
I found ye out through all your forc'd disguise.
*
{Char.} Hah, did you know me then?
*
{Wild.} At the first glance, and found you knew me too,
And talkt to yonder Lady in revenge,
Whom my Uncle would have me marry. But to avoid
all Discourses of that nature, I came to Night in this
Disguise you see, to be conceal'd from her; that's all.
*
{Char.} And is that all, on Honour? Is it, Dear?
*
{Wild.} What, no Belief, no Faith in villanous Women?
*
{Char.} Yes, when I see the Writings.
*
{Wild.} Go home, I die if you shou'd be discover'd:
And credit me, I'll bring you all you ask.
{Clacket}, you and I must have an old Reckoning about
this Night's Jant of yours.           [{Aside to} Clacket.
*
Sir {Tim.} Well, my Lord, how do you like our {English}
Beauties?
*
{Wild.} Extremely, Sir; and was pressing this young
Lady to give us a Song.
                   [{Here is an Italian Song in two Parts.}
*
Sir {Tim.} I never saw this Lady before: pray who may
she be, Neighbour?                       [{To} Clacket.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} A Niece of mine, newly come out of
{Scotland}, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} Nay, then she dances by nature. Gentlemen
and Ladies, please you to sit, here's a young Neighbour
of mine will honour us with a Dance.
                   [{They all sit}; Charl. {and} Fop. {dance}.
So, so; very well, very well. Gentlemen and Ladies,
I am for Liberty of Conscience, and Moderation. There's
a Banquet waits the Ladies, and my Cellars are open to
the Men; but for my self, I must retire; first waiting
on your Lordship to shew you your Apartment, then leave
you to {cher entire}: and to morrow, my Lord, you and
I will settle the Nation, and will resolve on what return
we will make to the noble {Polanders}.
       [{Exeunt all but} Wild. Dres. {and} Fop. {Sir} Charles
            {leading out Lady} Galliard.
*
Sir {Anth.} Well said, {Charles}, thou leav'st her not till she's
thy own, Boy---And Philander {was a jolly Swain}, &c.
                                           [{Exit singing.}
*
{Wild.} All things succeed above my Wish, dear {Frank};
Fortune is kind; and more, {Galliard} is so;
This night crowns all my Wishes.
{Laboir}, are all things ready for our purpose? [{To his Footman.}
*
{Lab.} Dark Lanthorns, Pistols, Habits and Vizards, Sir.
*
{Fop.} I have provided Portmantles to carry off the Treasure.
*
{Dres.} I perceive you are resolv'd to make a thorowstitch
Robbery on't.
*
{Fop.} Faith, if it lie in our way, Sir, we had as good
venture a Caper under the Triple-Tree for one as well
as t'other.
*
{Wild.} We must consider on't. 'Tis now just struck eleven;
within this Hour is the dear Assignation with {Galliard}.
*
{Dres.} What, whether our Affairs be finish'd or not?
*
{Wild.} 'Tis but at next Door; I shall return time
enough for that trivial Business.
*
{Dres.} A trivial Business of some six thousand pound a year?
*
{Wild.} Trivial to a Woman, {Frank}: no more; do you
make as if you went to bed.---{Laboir}, do you feign to be
drunk, and lie on the Hall-table: and when I give the
sign, let me softly in.
*
{Dres.} Death, Sir, will you venture at such a time?
*
{Wild.} My Life and future Hope---I am resolv'd.
Let Politicians plot, let Rogues go on
In the old beaten Path of Forty one;
Let City Knaves delight in Mutiny,
The Rabble bow to old Presbytery;
Let petty States be to confusion hurl'd,
Give me but Woman, I'll despise the World. [{Exeunt.}
*

#ACT IV.
#SCENE I. {A Dressing-Room.}

{Lady} Galliard {is discover'd in an undress at her Table, Glass
and Toilette}, Closet {attending: As soon as the Scene draws off
  she rises from the Table as disturbed and out of Humour.}
L. {Gal.} Come, leave your everlasting Chamber-maid's
Chat, your dull Road of Slandering by rote, and lay
that Paint aside. Thou art fuller of false News, than an
unlicens'd Mercury.
*
{Clos.} I have good Proof, Madam, of what I say.
*
L. {Gal.} Proof of a thing impossible!---Away.
*
{Clos.} Is it a thing so impossible, Madam, that a Man
of Mr. {Wilding's} Parts and Person should get a City-Heiress?
Such a bonne Mien, and such a pleasant Wit!
*
L. {Gal.} Hold thy fluent Tattle, thou hast Tongue
Enough to talk an Oyster-Woman deaf:
I say it cannot be.
---What means the panting of my troubled Heart!
Oh, my presaging Fears! shou'd what she says prove true,
How wretched and how lost a thing am I!          [{Aside.}
*
{Clos.} Your Honour may say your Pleasure; but I hope
I have not liv'd to these Years to be impertinent---No,
Madam, I am none of those that run up and down the
Town a Story-hunting, and a Lye-catching, and---
*
L. {Gal.} Eternal Rattle, peace---
Mrs. {Charlot Gett-all} go away with {Wilding}!
A Man of {Wilding's} extravagant Life
Get a Fortune in the City!
Thou mightst as well have told me, a Holder-forth were
    married to a Nun:
There are not two such Contraries in Nature,
'Tis flam, 'tis foolery, 'tis most impossible.
*
{Clos.} I beg your Ladyship's Pardon, if my Discourse
offend you; but all the World knows Mrs. {Clacket} to be
a person---
*
L. {Gal.} Who is a most devout Baud, a precise Procurer;
A Saint in the Spirit, and Whore in the Flesh;
A Doer of the Devil's Work in God's Name.
Is she your Informer? nay, then the Lye's undoubted---
I say once more, adone with your idle Tittle-Tattle,
---And to divert me, bid {Betty} sing the Song which {Wilding}
    made
To his last Mistress; we may judge by that,
What little Haunts, and what low Game he follows.
This is not like the Description of a rich Citizen's Daughter
and Heir, but some common Hackney of the Suburbs.
*
{Clos.} I have heard him often swear she was a Gentlewoman,
and liv'd with her Friends.
*
L. {Gal.} Like enough, there are many of these Gentlewomen
who live with their Friends, as rank Prostitutes, as
errant Jilts, as those who make open profession of the Trade---
almost as mercenary---But come, the Song. [{Enter} Betty.
                     SONG.
     {In} Phillis {all vile Jilts are met},
     {Foolish, uncertain, false, Coquette.}
     {Love is her constant welcome Guest,}
     {And still the newest pleases best.}
     {Quickly she likes, then leaves as soon;}
     {Her Life on Woman's a Lampoon.}

     {Yet for the Plague of human Race,}
     {This Devil has an Angel's Face;}
     {Such Youth, such Sweetness in her Look,}
     {Who can be Man, and not be took?}
     {What former Love, what Wit, what Art,}
     {Can save a poor inclining Heart?}

     {In vain a thousand Times an hour}
     {Reason rebels against her Power.}
     {In vain I rail, I curse her charms;}
     {One Look my feeble Rage disarms.}
     {There is Inchantment in her Eyes;}
     {Who sees 'em, can no more be wise.}
*
    {Enter} Wilding, {who runs to embrace L.} Gal.
{Wild. Twelve was the lucky Minute when we met:}
Most charming of your Sex, and wisest of all Widows,
My Life, my Soul, my Heaven to come, and here!
Now I have liv'd to purpose, since at last---Oh, killing Joy!
Come, let me fold you, press you in my Arms,
And kiss you Thanks for this dear happy Night.
*
L. {Gal.} You may spare your Thanks, Sir, for those
that will deserve 'em; I shall give you no occasion for 'em.
*
{Wild.} Nay, no scruples now, dearest of Dears, no more,
'Tis most unseasonable---
I bring a Heart full fraight with eager Hopes,
Opprest with a vast Load of longing Love;
Let me unlade me in that soft white Bosom,
That Storehouse of rich Joys and lasting Pleasures,
And lay me down as on a Bed of Lillies.
                                 [{She breaks from him.}
*
L. {Gal.} You're wondrous full of Love and Rapture, Sir;
but certainly you mistake the Person you address 'em to.
*
{Wild.} Why, are you not my Lady {Galliard}, that very
Lady {Galliard}, who, if one may take her Word for't,
loves {Wilding}? Am I not come hither by your own
Appointment; and can I have any other Business here
at this time of night, but Love, and Rapture, and---
*
L. {Gal.} Scandalous and vain! by my Appointment,
and for so leud a purpose; guard me, ye good Angels.
If after an Affront so gross as this,
I ever suffer you to see me more,
Then think me what your Carriage calls me,
An impudent, an open Prostitute,
Lost to all sense of Virtue, or of Honour.
*
{Wild.} What can this mean?                    [{Aside.}
Oh, now I understand the Mystery.   [{Looking on} Closet.
Her Woman's here, that troublesome piece of Train.
---I must remove her. Hark ye, Mrs. {Closet}, I had forgot
to tell you, as I came up I heard a Kinsman of yours very
earnest with the Servants below, and in great haste to
speak with you.
*
{Clos.} A Kinsman! that's very likely indeed, and at this
time of night.
*
{Wild.} Yes, a very near Kinsman, he said he was your
Father's own Mother's Uncle's Sister's Son; what d'ye
call him?
*
{Clos.} Ay, what d'ye call him indeed? I shou'd be glad
to hear his Name. Alas, Sir, I have no near Relation
living that I know of, the more's my Misfortune, poor
helpless Orphan that I am.                   [{Weeps.}
*
{Wild.} Nay, but Mrs. {Closet}, pray take me right,
This Country-man of yours, as I was saying---
*
L. {Gal.} Chang'd already from a Kinsman to a Country-man!
a plain Contrivance to get my Woman out of the
Room. {Closet}, as you value my Service, stir not from hence.
*
{Wild.} This Countryman of yours, I say, being left
Executor by your Father's last Will and Testament, is
come---Dull Waiting-woman, I wou'd be alone with your
Lady; know your Cue and retire.
*
{Clos.} How, Sir!
*
{Wild.} Learn, I say, to understand Reason when you
hear it. Leave us awhile; Love is not a Game for three
to play at.                           [{Gives her Mony.}
*
{Clos.} I must own to all the World, you have convinc'd
me; I ask a thousand Pardons for my Dulness. Well, I'll
be gone, I'll run; you're a most powerful Person, the very
Spirit of Persuasion---I'll steal out---You have such a taking
way with you---But I forgot my self. Well, your most
obedient Servant; whenever you've occasion, Sir, be pleas'd
to use me freely.
*
{Wild.} Nay, dear Impertinence, no more Complements,
you see I'm busy now; prithee be gone, you see I am busy.
*
{Clos.} I'm all Obedience to you, Sir---
Your most obedient---
*
L. {Gal.} Whither are you fisking and giggiting now?
*
{Clos.} Madam, I am going down, and will return immediately,
immediately.                               [{Exit} Clos.
*
{Wild.} So, she's gone; Heaven and broad Gold be prais'd
for the Deliverance. And now, dear Widow, let's lose no
more precious time; we have fool'd away too much already.
*
L. {Gal.} This to me!
*
{Wild.} To you, yes, to whom else should it be? unless
being sensible you have not Discretion enough to manage
your own Affairs your self, you resolve like other Widows,
with all you're Worth to buy a Governour, commonly
call'd a Husband. I took ye to be wiser; but if that be
your Design I shall do my best to serve you---though to
deal freely with you---
*
L. {Gal.} Trouble not your self, Sir, to make Excuses;
I'm not so fond of the Offer to take you at your Word.
Marry you! a Rakeshame, who have not Esteem enough
for the Sex to believe your Mother honest---without Money
or Credit, without Land either in present or prospect; and
half a dozen hungry Vices, like so many bauling Brats at
your Back, perpetually craving, and more chargeable to keep
than twice the number of Children. Besides, I think you are
provided for; are you not married to Mrs. {Charlot Gett-all}?
*
{Wild.} Married to her! Do I know her, you shou'd
rather ask. What Fool has forg'd this unlikely Lye? but
suppose 'twere true, cou'd you be jealous of a Woman I
marry? Do you take me for such an Ass, to suspect I
shall love my own Wife? On the other side, I have a
great Charge of Vices, as you well observe, and I must
not be so barbarous to let 'em starve. Every body in this
Age takes care to provide for their Vices, though they send
their Children a begging; I shou'd be worse than an Infidel
to neglect them. No, I must marry some stiff aukward
thing or other with an ugly Face, and a handsom Estate,
that's certain: but whoever is ordain'd to make my Fortune,
'tis you only can make me happy---Come, do it then.
*
L. {Gal.} I never will.
*
{Wild.} Unkindly said, you must.
*
L. {Gal.} Unreasonable Man! because you see
I have unusual Regards for you,
Pleasure to hear, and Trouble to deny you;
A fatal yielding in my Nature toward you,
Love bends my Soul that way---
A Weakness I ne'er felt for any other;
And wou'd you be so base? and cou'd you have the Heart
To take th' advantage on't to ruin me,
To make me infamous, despis'd, loath'd, pointed at?
*
{Wild.} You reason false,
According to the strictest Rules of Honour,
Beauty should still be the Reward of Love,
Not the vile Merchandize of Fortune,
Or the cheap Drug of a Church-Ceremony.
She's only infamous, who to her Bed
For Interest takes some nauseous Clown she hates:
And though a Jointure or a Vow in publick
Be her Price, that makes her but the dearer Whore.
*
L. {Gal.} I understand not these new Morals.
*
{Wild.} Have Patience I say, 'tis clear:
All the Desires of mutual Love are virtuous.
Can Heav'n or Man be angry that you please
Your self, and me, when it does wrong to none?
Why rave you then on things that ne'er can be?
Besides, are we not alone, and private? who can know it?
*
L. {Gal.} Heaven will know 't; and I---that, that's enough:
But when you are weary of me, first your Friend,
Then his, then all the World.
*
{Wild.} Think not that time will ever come.
*
L. {Gal.} Oh, it must, it will.
*
{Wild.} Or if it should, could I be such a Villain---
Ah cruel! if you love me as you say,
You wou'd not thus distrust me.
*
L. {Gal.} You do me wrong, I love you more than e'er
   my Tongue,
Or all the Actions of my Life can tell you---so well---
Your very Faults, how gross soe'er to me,
Have something pleasing in 'em. To me you're all
That Man can praise, or Woman can desire;
All Charm without, and all Desert within.
But yet my Virtue is more lovely still;
That is a Price too high to pay for you;
The Love of Angels may be bought too dear,
If we bestow on them what's kept for Heaven.
*
{Wild.} Hell and the Devil! I'll hear no more
Of this religious Stuff, this godly Nonsense.
Death, Madam, do you bring me into your Chamber to
preach Virtue to me?
*
L. {Gal.} I bring you hither! how can you say it?
I suffer'd you indeed to come, but not
For the base end you fancy'd, but to take
A last Leave of you. Let my Heart break with Love,
I cannot be that wretched thing you'd have me;
Believe I still shall have a Kindness for you,
Always your Friend, your Mistress now no more.
*
{Wild.} Cozen'd, abus'd, she loves some other Man!
Dull Blockhead, not to find it out before!     [{Aside.}
---Well, Madam, may I at last believe
This is your fix'd and final Resolution?
And does your Tongue now truly speak your Heart,
That has so long bely'd it?
*
L. {Gal.} It does.
*
{Wild.} I'm glad on't. Good Night; and when I visit you
   again,
May you again thus fool me.                [{Offers to go.}
*
L. {Gal.} Stay but a Moment.
*
{Wild.} For what? to praise your Night-dress, or make
Court to your little Dog? No, no, Madam, send for Mr.
{Flamfull}, and Mr. {Flutterbuz}, Mr. {Lap-fool} and Mr.
{Loveall}; they'll do it better, and are more at leisure.
*
L. {Gal.} Hear me a little: You know I both despise,
and hate those civil Coxcombs, as much as I esteem and
love you. But why will you be gone so soon? and why
are ye so cruel to urge me thus to part either with your
good Opinion or your Kindness? I wou'd fain keep 'em
both.                                [{In a soft Tone.}
*
{Wild.} Then keep your Word, Madam.
*
L. {Gal.} My Word! and have I promis'd then to be
A Whore? A Whore! Oh, let me think of that!
A Man's Convenience, his leisure Hours, his Bed of Ease,
To loll and tumble on at idle times;
The Slave, the Hackney of his lawless Lust!
A loath'd Extinguisher of filthy Flames,
Made use of, and thrown by---Oh, infamous!
*
{Wild.} Come, come, you love me not, I see it plain;
That makes your Scruples; that, that's the Reason
You start at Words, and turn away from Shadows.
Already some pert Fop, some Ribbon Fool,
Some dancing Coxcomb, has supplanted me
In that unsteady treacherous Woman's Heart of yours.
*
L. {Gal.} Believe it if you will. Yes, let me be false,
unjust, ungrateful, any thing but a---Whore---
*
{Wild.} Oh, Sex on purpose form'd to plague Mankind!
All that you are, and all you do's a Lye.
False are your Faces, false your floating Hearts;
False are your Quarrels, false your Reconcilements:
Enemies without Reason, and dear without Kindness;
Your Friendship's false, but much more false your Love;
Your damn'd deceitful Love is all o'er false.
*
L. {Gal.} False rather are the Joys you are so fond of.
Be wise, and cease, Sir, to pursue 'em farther.
*
{Wild.} No, them I can never quit, but you most easily:
A Woman changeable and false as you.
*
L. {Gal.} Said you most easily? Oh, inhuman!
Your cruel Words have wak'd a dismal Thought;
I feel 'em cold and heavy at my Heart,
And Weakness steals upon my Soul apace;
I find I must be miserable---
I wou'd not be thought false.
                        [{In a soft Tone, coming near him.}
*
{Wild.} Nor wou'd I think you so; give me not Cause.
*
L. {Gal.} What Heart can bear distrust from what it
   loves?
Or who can always her own Wish deny?        [{Aside.}
My Reason's weary of the unequal Strife;
And Love and Nature will at last o'ercome.
---Do you not then believe I love you?
                                  [{To him in a soft Tone.}
*
{Wild.} How can I, while you still remain unkind?
*
L. {Gal.} How shall I speak my guilty Thoughts?
I have not Power to part with you; conceal my Shame,
   I doubt
I cannot, I fear I wou'd not any more deny you.
*
{Wild.} Oh heavenly Sound! Oh charming Creature!
Speak that word again, agen, agen! for ever let me hear it.
*
L. {Gal.} But did you not indeed? and will you never,
never love Mrs. {Charlot}, never?
*
{Wild.} Never, never.
*
L. {Gal.} Turn your Face away, and give me leave
To hide my rising Blushes: I cannot look on you,
         [{As this last Speech is speaking, she sinks into his
               Arms by degrees.}
But you must undo me if you will---
Since I no other way my Truth can prove,
---You shall see I love.
Pity my Weakness, and admire my Love.
*
{Wild.} All Heaven is mine, I have it in my Arms,
Nor can ill Fortune reach me any more.
Fate, I defy thee, and dull World, adieu.
In Love's kind Fever let me ever lie,
Drunk with Desire, and raving mad with Joy.
        [{Exeunt into the Bed-chamber}, Wild. {leading her
              with his Arms about her}.
*

#SCENE II. {Changes.}

     {Another Room in Lady} Galliard's {House}.
{Enter Sir} Charles Meriwill {and Sir} Anthony, {Sir} Charles
                           {drunk}.
Sir {Anth.} A Dog, a Rogue, to leave her!
*
Sir {Char.} Why, look ye, Uncle, what wou'd you have
a Man do? I brought her to her Coach---
*
Sir {Anth.} To her Coach! to her Coach! Did not I put
her into your Hand, follow'd you out, wink'd, smil'd and
nodded; cry'd 'bye {Charles}, 'bye Rogue; which was as
much as to say, Go home with her, {Charles}, home to her
Chamber, {Charles}; nay, as much as to say, Home to her
Bed, {Charles}; nay, as much as to say---Hum, hum, a
Rogue, a Dog, and yet to be modest too! That I shou'd
bring thee up with no more Fear of God before thy Eyes!
*
Sir {Char.} Nay, dear Uncle, don't break my Heart now!
Why, I did proffer, and press, and swear, and ly'd, and---
but a pox on her, she has the damn'dst wheedling way with
her, as dear {Charles}, nay prithee, fie, 'tis late, to morrow,
my Honour, which if you lov'd you wou'd preserve; and
such obliging Reasons.
*
Sir {Anth.} Reasons! Reason! a Lover, and talk of
Reason! You lye, Sirrah, you lye. Leave a Woman for
Reason, when you were so finely drunk too, a Rascal!
*
Sir {Char.} Why look ye, d'ye see, Uncle, I durst not
trust my self alone with her in this pickle, lest I shou'd
ha' fallen foul on her.
*
Sir {Anth.} Why, there's it; 'tis that you shou'd have
done; I am mistaken if she be not one of those Ladies
that love to be ravisht of a Kindness. Why, your willing
Rape is all the Fashion, {Charles}.
*
Sir {Char.} But hark ye, Uncle.
*
Sir {Anth.} Why, how now, Jack-sauce, what, capitulate?
*
Sir {Char.} Why, do but hear me, Uncle; Lord, you're
so hasty! Why, look ye, I am as ready, d'ye see, as any
Man on these Occasions.
*
Sir {Anth.} Are you so, Sir? and I'll make you willing,
or try Toledo with you, Sir---Why, what, I shall have you
whining when you are sober again, traversing your Chamber
with Arms across, railing on Love and Women, and at
last defeated, turn whipping {Tom}, to revenge your self on
the whole Sex.
*
Sir {Char.} My dear Uncle, come kiss me and be friends;
I will be rul'd.                           [{Kisses him.}
*
Sir {Anth.} ---A most admirable good-natur'd Boy this!
[{Aside.}] Well then, dear {Charles}, know, I have brought
thee now hither to the Widow's House, with a Resolution
to have thee order matters so, as before thou quitst her, she
shall be thy own, Boy.
*
Sir {Char.} Gad, Uncle, thou'rt a Cherubin! Introduce
me, d'ye see, and if I do not so woo the Widow, and so
do the Widow, that e'er morning she shall be content to
take me for better for worse---Renounce me! Egad, I'll
make her know the Lord God from {Tom Bell}, before I
have done with her. Nay, backt by my noble Uncle, I'll
venture on her, had she all {Cupid's} Arrows, {Venus's} Beauty,
and {Messalina's} Fire, d'ye see.
*
Sir {Anth.} A sweet Boy, a very sweet Boy! Hum, thou
art damnable handsome to Night, {Charles}---Ay, thou wilt
do't; I see a kind of resistless Leudness about thee, a most
triumphant Impudence, loose and wanton.
                                [{Stands looking on him.}
*
                     {Enter} Closet.
{Clos.} Heavens, Gentlemen, what makes you here at
this time of Night?
*
Sir {Char.} Where's your Lady?
*
{Clos.} Softly, dear Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} Why, is she asleep? Come, come, I'll wake her.
                 [{Offers to force in as to the Bed-chamber.}
*
{Clos.} Hold, hold, Sir; No, no, she's a little busy, Sir.
*
Sir {Char.} I'll have no Business done to Night, Sweetheart.
*
{Clos.} Hold, hold, I beseech you, Sir, her Mother's with her;
For Heaven's sake, Sir, be gone.
*
Sir {Char.} I'll not budge.
*
Sir {Anth.} No, not a Foot.
*
{Clos.} The City you know, Sir, is so censorious---
*
Sir {Char.} Damn the City.
*
Sir {Anth.} All the Whigs, {Charles}, all the Whigs.
*
Sir {Char.} In short, I am resolv'd, d'ye see, to go to the
Widow's Chamber.
*
Sir {Anth.} Harkye, Mrs. {Closet}, I thought I had entirely
engag'd you this Evening.
*
{Clos.} I am perfectly yours, Sir; but how it happens so,
her Mother being there---Yet if you wou'd withdraw for
half an hour, into my Chamber, till she were gone---
*
Sir {Anth.} This is the Reason, {Charles}. Here, here's
two Pieces to buy thee a Gorget.     [{Gives her Money.}
*
Sir {Char.} And here's my two, because thou art industrious.
                    [{Gives her Money, and they go out with her.}
*
     {Enter Lady} Galliard {in rage, held by} Wilding.
L. {Gal.} What have I done? Ah, whither shall I fly?
                                            [{Weeps.}
*
{Wild.} Why all these Tears? Ah, why this cruel Passion?
*
L. {Gal.} Undone, undone! Unhand me, false, forsworn;
Be gone, and let me rage till I am dead.
What shou'd I do with guilty Life about me?
*
{Wild.} Why, where's the harm of what we two have done?
*
L. {Gal.} Ah, leave me---
Leave me alone to sigh to flying Winds,
That the Infection may be borne aloft,
And reach no human Ear.
*
{Wild.} Cease, lovely Charmer, cease to wound me more.
*
L. {Gal.} Shall I survive this Shame? No, if I do,
Eternal Blushes dwell upon my Cheeks,
To tell the World my Crime.
---Mischief and Hell, what Devil did possess me?
*
{Wild.} It was no Devil, but a Deity;
A little gay wing'd God, harmless and innocent,
Young as Desire, wanton as Summer-breezes,
Soft as thy Smiles, resistless as thy Eyes.
*
L. {Gal.} Ah, what malicious God,
Sworn Enemy to feeble Womankind,
Taught thee the Art of Conquest with thy Tongue?
Thy false deluding Eyes were surely made
Of Stars that rule our Sex's Destiny:
And all thy Charms were by Inchantment wrought,
That first undo the heedless Gazers on,
Then shew their natural Deformity.
*
{Wild.} Ah, my {Galliard}, am I grown ugly then?
Has my increase of Passion lessen'd yours? [{In a soft Tone.}
*
L. {Gal.} Peace, Tempter, Peace, who artfully betrayest me,
And then upbraidest the Wretchedness thou'st made.
---Ah, Fool, eternal Fool! to know my Danger,
Yet venture on so evident a Ruin.
*
{Wild.} Say,---what one Grace is faded?
Is not thy Face as fair, thy Eyes as killing?
By Heaven, much more! This charming change of Looks
Raises my Flame, and makes me wish t'invoke
The harmless God again.                [{Embraces her.}
*
L. {Gal.} By Heaven, not all thy Art
Shall draw me to the tempting Sin again.
*
{Wild.} Oh, I must, or die.
*
L. {Gal.} By all the Powers, by---
*
{Wild.} Oh, do not swear, lest Love shou'd take it ill
That Honour shou'd pretend to give him Laws,
And make an Oath more powerful than his Godhead.
---Say that you will half a long Hour hence---
*
L. {Gal.} Hah!
*
{Wild.} Or say a tedious Hour.
*
L. {Gal.} Death, never---
*
{Wild.} Or if you---promise me then to morrow.
*
L. {Gal.} No, hear my Vows.
*
{Wild.} Hold, see me die; if you resolve 'em fatal to my
Love, by Heaven I'll do't. [{Lays his Hand on his Sword.}
*
L. {Gal.} Ah, what---
*
{Wild.} Revoke that fatal Never then.
*
L. {Gal.} I dare not.
*
{Wild.} Oh, say you will.
*
L. {Gal.} Alas, I dare not utter it.
*
{Wild.} Let's in, and thou shalt whisper it into my Bosom;
Or sighing, look it to me with thy Eyes.
*
L. {Gal.} Ah, {Wilding}---                           [{Sighs.}
*
{Wild.} It toucht my Soul! Repeat that Sigh again.
*
L. {Gal.} Ah, I confess I am but feeble Woman.
                                        [{Leans on him.}
*
Sir {Char.} Good Mistress Keep-door, stand by: for I
must enter.                       [{Sir} Char. {without}.
*
L. {Gal.} Hah, young {Meriwill's} Voice!
*
{Clos.} Pray, Sir {Charles}, let me go and give my Lady
notice.                        [{She enters and goes to} Wild.
---For Heaven's sake, Sir, withdraw, or my Lady's
Honour's lost.
*
{Wild.} What will you have me do?      [{To} Galliard.
*
L. {Gal.} Be gone, or you will ruin me for ever. [{In disorder.}
*
{Wild.} Nay, then I will obey.
*
L. {Gal.} Here, down the back-stairs---
As you have Honour, go and cherish mine.
                            [{Pulling him. He goes out.}
---He's gone, and now nethinks the shivering Fit of
Honour is return'd.
*
     {Enter Sir} Charles, {rudely pushing} Closet {aside with
                           Sir} Anthony.
Sir. {Char.} Deny'd an entrance! nay, then there is a
Rival in the Case, or so; and I'm resolv'd to discover the
Hellish Plot, d'ye see. [{Just as he enters drunk at one Door},
                            Wild. {returns at the other}.
*
L. {Gal.} Ha, {Wilding} return'd! Shield me, ye Shades
of Night.   [{Puts out the Candles, and goes to} Wild.
*
{Wild.} The Back-Stairs Door is lockt.
*
L. {Gal.} Oh, I am lost! curse on this fatal Night!
Art thou resolv'd on my undoing every way.
*
{Clos.} Nay, now we're by dark, let me alone to guide
you, Sir.                                  [{To} Wild.
*
Sir {Char.} What, what, all in darkness? Do you make
Love like Cats, by Star-light?           [{Reeling about.}
*
L. {Gal.} Ah, he knows he's here!---Oh, what a pain
is Guilt!                                    [{Aside.}
*
{Wild.} I wou'd not be surpriz'd.
[{As} Closet {takes him to lead him out, he takes out his
  Sword, and by dark pushes by Sir} Charles, {and almost
  overthrows Sir} Anth. {at which they both draw, whilst
  he goes out with} Closet.
*
Sir {Char.} Hah, Gad, 'twas a Spark!---What, vanisht!
hah---
*
Sir {Anth.} Nay, nay, Sir, I am for ye.
*
Sir {Char.} Are you so, Sir? and I am for the Widow,
Sir, and--- [{Just as they are passing at each other}, Closet {enters
                                                  with a Candle.}
Hah, why, what have we here?---my nown Flesh and
Blood?                         [{Embracing his Uncle.}
*
Sir {Anth.} Cry mercy, Sir! Pray, how fell we out?
*
Sir {Char.} Out, Sir! Prithee where's my Rival? where's
the Spark, the---Gad, I took thee for an errant Rival:
Where is he?                           [{Searching about.}
*
L. {Gal.} Whom seek ye, Sir, a Man, and in my Lodgings?
                                               [{Angrily.}
*
{Clos.} A Man! Merciful, what will this scandalous lying
World come to? Here's no Man.
*
Sir {Char.} Away, I say, thou damn'd Domestick Intelligence,
that comest out every half hour with some fresh
Sham--- No Man!---What, 'twas an Appointment only,
hum,---which I shall now make bold to unappoint, render
null, void, and of none effect. And if I find him here,
[{Searches about.}] I shall very civilly and accidentally, as it
were, being in perfect friendship with him---pray, mark
that---run him through the Lungs.
*
L. {Gal.} Oh, what a Coward's Guilt! what mean you, Sir?
*
Sir {Char.} Mean? why I am obstinately bent to ravish
thee, thou hypocritical Widow, make thee mine by force,
that so I have no obligation to thee, and consequently use
thee scurvily with a good Conscience.
*
Sir {Anth.} A most delicate Boy! I'll warrant him as leud
as the best of 'em, God grant him Life and Health. [{Aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} 'Tis late, and I entreat your absence, Sir: These
are my Hours of Prayer, which this unseasonable Visit has
disturb'd.
*
Sir {Char.} Prayer! No more of that, Sweetheart; for
let me tell you, your Prayers are heard. A Widow of your
Youth and Complexion can be praying for nothing so late,
but a good Husband; and see, Heaven has sent him just
in the crit - - - critical minute, to supply your Occasions.
*
Sir {Anth.} A Wag, an arch Wag; he'll learn to make
Lampoons presently. I'll not give Sixpence from him,
though to the poor of the Parish.
*
Sir {Char.} Come, Widow, let's to Bed. [{Pulls her, she is angry.}
*
L. {Gal.} Hold, Sir, you drive the Jest too far;
And I am in no humour now for Mirth.
*
Sir {Char.} Jest: Gad, ye lye, I was never in more earnest
in all my Life.
*
Sir {Anth.} He's in a heavenly humour, thanks to good
Wine, good Counsel, and good Company.
                         [{Getting nearer the Door still.}
*
L. {Gal.} What mean you, Sir? what can my Woman
think to see me treated thus?
*
Sir {Char.} Well thought on! Nay, we'll do things decently,
d'ye see---
Therefore, thou sometimes necessary Utensil, withdraw.
                                [{Gives her to Sir} Anth.
*
Sir {Anth.} Ay, ay, let me alone to teach her her Duty.
                             [{Pushes her out, and goes out.}
*
L. {Gal.} Stay, {Closet}, I command ye.
---What have you seen in me shou'd move you to this
rudeness?                            [{To Sir} Char.
*
Sir {Char.} No frowning; for by this dear Night, 'tis
Charity, care of your Reputation, Widow; and therefore
I am resolv'd no body shall lie with you but my self. You
have dangerous Wasps buzzing about your Hive, Widow---
mark that---[{She flings from him.}] Nay, no parting but
upon terms, which, in short, d'ye see, are these: Down on
your Knees, and swear me heartily, as Gad shall judge
your Soul, d'ye see, to marry me to morrow.
*
L. {Gal.} To morrow! Oh, I have urgent business then.
*
Sir {Char.} So have I. Nay, Gad, an you be for the nearest
way to the Wood, the sober discreet way of loving, I am
sorry for ye, look ye.             [{He begins to undress.}
*
L. {Gal.} Hold, Sir, what mean you?
*
Sir {Char.} Only to go to Bed, that's all. [{Still undressing.}
*
L. {Gal.} Hold, hold, or I'll call out.
*
Sir {Char.} Ay, do, call up a Jury of your Female Neighbours,
they'll be for me, d'ye see, bring in the Bill {Ignoramus},
though I am no very true blue Protestant neither; therefore
dispatch, or---
*
L. {Gal.} Hold, are you mad? I cannot promise you to night.
*
Sir {Char.} Well, well, I'll be content with Performance
then to night, and trust you for your Promise till to morrow.
*
Sir {Anth.} [{peeping.}] Ah, Rogue! by {George}, he out-does
my Expectations of him.
*
L. {Gal.} What Imposition's this! I'll call for help.
*
Sir {Char.} You need not, you'll do my business better
alone.                                     [{Pulls her.}
*
L {Gal.} What shall I do? how shall I send him hence?
                                                [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Anth.} He shall ne'er drink small Beer more, that's
positive; I'll burn all's Books too, they have help'd to spoil
him; and sick or well, sound or unsound, Drinking shall
be his Diet, and Whoring his Study. [{Aside, peeping unseen.}
*
Sir {Char.} Come, come, no pausing; your Promise, or
I'll to Bed.   [{Offers to pull off his Breeches, having pulled
                    off almost all the rest of his Clothes.}
*
L. {Gal.} What shall I do? here is no Witness near:
And to be rid of him I'll promise him; he'll have forgot
it in his sober Passion.                         [{Aside.}
Hold, I do swear I will--- [{He fumbling to undo his Breeches.}
*
Sir {Char.} What?
*
L. {Gal.} Marry you.
*
Sir {Char.} When?
*
L. {Gal.} Nay, that's too much---Hold, hold, I will to
   morrow---
Now you are satisfy'd, you will withdraw?
*
                     {Enter Sir} Ant. {and} Closet.
Sir {Anth. Charles}, Joy, {Charles}, give you Joy, here's
two substantial Witnesses.
*
{Clos.} I deny it, Sir; I heard no such thing.
*
Sir {Anth.} What, what, Mrs. {Closet}, a Waiting-woman
of Honour, and flinch from her Evidence! Gad, I'll damn
thy Soul if thou dar'st swear what thou say'st.
*
L. {Gal.} How, upon the Catch, Sir! am I betray'd?
Base and unkind, is this your humble Love?
Is all your whining come to this, false Man?
By Heaven, I'll be reveng'd.
                     [{She goes out in a Rage with} Closet.
*
Sir {Char.} Nay, Gad, you're caught, struggle and flounder
as you please, Sweetheart, you'll but intangle more; let
me alone to tickle your Gills, i'faith. [{Looking after her.}]
---Uncle, get ye home about your Business; I hope you'll
give me the good morrow, as becomes me---I say no more,
a Word to the Wise---
*
Sir {Anth.} By {George}, thou'rt a brave Fellow; why, I
did not think it had been in thee, Man. Well, adieu; I'll
give thee such a good morrow, {Charles}---the Devil's in
him!---'Bye, {Charles}---a plaguy Rogue!---'night, Boy---a
divine Youth!
     [{Going and returning, as not able to leave him. Exit.}
*
Sir {Char.} Gad, I'll not leave her now, till she is mine;
Then keep her so by constant Consummation.
Let Man o' God do his, I'll do my Part,
In spite of all her Fickleness and Art;
There's one sure way to fix a Widow's Heart.   [{Exit.}
*

#ACT V.
#SCENE I. {Sir} Timothy's {House}.

{Enter} Dresswell, Foppington, Laboir, {and five or six more
         disguised with Vizards and dark Lanthorns.}
{Fop.} Not yet! a plague of this damn'd Widow: The
Devil ow'd him an unlucky Cast, and has thrown it him
to night.
            {Enter} Wild. {in Rapture and Joy}.
---Hah, dear {Tom}, art thou come?
*
{Wild.} I saw how at her length she lay!
I saw her rising Bosom bare!
*
{Fop.} A Pox of her rising Bosom! My dear, let's dress
and about our Business.
*
{Wild.} Her loose thin Robes, through which appear
A Shape design'd for Love and Play!
*
{Dres.} Sheart, Sir, is this a time for Rapture? 'tis almost day.
*
{Wild.} Ah, {Frank}, such a dear Night!
*
{Dress.} A Pox of Nights, Sir, think of this and the Day
to come: which I perceive you were too well employ'd
to remember.
*
{Wild.} The Day to come!
Death, who cou'd be so dull in such dear Joys,
To think of Time to come, or ought beyond 'em!
And had I not been interrupted by {Charles Meriwill}, who,
getting drunk, had Courage enough to venture on an
untimely Visit, I'd had no more power of returning, than
committing Treason: But that conjugal Lover, who will
needs be my Cuckold, made me then give him way, that he
might give it me another time, and so unseen I got off.
But come---my Disguise.                       [{Dresses.}
*
{Dres.} All's still and hush, as if Nature meant to favour
our Design.
*
{Wild.} 'Tis well: and hark ye, my Friends, I'll prescribe
ye no Bounds, nor Moderation; for I have consider'd,
if we modestly take nothing but the Writings, 'twill be
easy to suspect the Thief.
*
{Fop.} Right; and since 'tis for the securing our Necks,
'tis lawful Prize---Sirrah, leave the Portmantle here.
                                  [{Exeunt as into the House.}
*
                      {After a small time,
   Enter} Jervice {undres'd, crying out, pursu'd by some of
                          the Thieves}.
{Jer.} Murder, Murder! Thieves, Murder!
*
        {Enter} Wilding {with his Sword drawn}.
{Wild.} A plague upon his Throat; set a Gag in's Mouth
and bind him, though he be my Uncle's chief Pimp---so---
                               [{They bind and gag him.}
*
              {Enter} Dresswell, {and} Laboir.
{Dres.} Well, we have bound all within hearing in their
Beds, e'er they cou'd alarm their Fellows by crying out.
*
{Wild.} 'Tis well; come, follow me, like a kind Midnight-Ghost,
I will conduct ye to the rich buried Heaps
---this Door leads to my Uncle's Apartment; I know
each secret Nook conscious of Treasure.
            [{All go in, leaving} Jervice {bound on the Stage}.
*
{Enter} Sensure {running half undress'd, as from Sir} Timothy's
     {Chamber, with his Velvet-Coat on her Shoulders}.
{Sen.} Help, help! Murder! Murder!
                    [Dres. Lab. {and others pursue her}.
*
{Dres.} What have we here, a Female bolted from Mr.
Alderman's Bed?      [{Holding a Lanthorn to his Face.}
*
{Sen.} Ah, mercy, Sir, alas, I am a Virgin.
*
{Dres.} A Virgin! Gad and that may be, for any great
Miracles the old Gentleman can do.
*
{Sen.} Do! alas, Sir, I am none of the Wicked.
*
{Dres.} That's well---The sanctify'd Jilt professes Innocence,
yet has the Badge of her Occupation about her
Neck.                      [{Pulls off the Coat.}
*
{Sen.} Ah, Misfortune, I have mistook his Worship's
Coat for my Gown. [{A little Book drops out of her Bosom.}
*
{Dres.} What have we here? {A Sermon preacht by} Richard
Baxter, {Divine}. Gad a mercy, Sweetheart, thou art a
hopeful Member of the true Protestant Cause.
*
{Sen.} Alack, how the Saints may be scandaliz'd! I went
but to tuck his Worship up.
*
{Dres.} And comment upon the Text a little, which I
suppose may be, increase and multiply---Here, gag, and
bind her.                                 [{Exit} Dres.
*
{Sen.} Hold, hold, I am with Child!
*
{Lab.} Then you'll go near to miscarry of a Babe of Grace.
*
{Enter} Wild. Fop. {and others, leading iu Sir} Timothy {in
             his Night-gown and Night-Cap}.
Sir {Tim.} Gentlemen, why, Gentlemen, I beseech you
use a Conscience in what you do, and have a feeling in
what you go about---Pity my Age.
*
{Wild.} Damn'd beggarly Conscience, and needless Pity---
*
Sir {Tim.} Oh, fearful---But, Gentlemen, what is't you
design? is it a general Massacre, pray? or am I the only
Person aim'd at as a Sacrifice for the Nation? I know, and
all the World knows, how many Plots have been laid
against my self, both by Men, Women, and Children, the
diabolical Emissaries of the Pope.
*
{Wild.} How, Sirrah!                [{Fiercely, he starts.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Nay, Gentlemen, not but I love and honour
his Holiness with all my Soul; and if his Grace did but
know what I've done for him, d'ye see---
*
{Fop.} You done for the Pope, Sirrah! Why, what have
you done for the Pope?
*
Sir {Tim.} Why, Sir, an't like ye, I have done you very
great Service, very great Service; for I have been, d'ye
see, in a small Tryal I had, the cause and occasion of
invalidating the Evidence to that degree, that I suppose
no Jury in {Christendom} will ever have the Impudence to
believe 'em hereafter, shou'd they swear against his Holiness
and all the Conclave of Cardinals.
*
{Wild.} And yet you plot on still, cabal, treat, and keep
open Debauch, for all the Renegado-Tories and old Commonwealthsmen
to carry on the good Cause.
*
Sir {Tim.} Alas, what signifies that! You know, Gentlemen,
that I have such a strange and natural Agility in
turning---I shall whip about yet, and leave 'em all in the
Lurch.
*
{Wild.} 'Tis very likely; but at this time we shall not
take your Word for that.
*
Sir {Tim.} Bloody-minded Men, are you resolv'd to
assassinate me then?
*
{Wild.} You trifle, Sir, and know our Business better,
than to think we come to take your Life, which wou'd
not advantage a Dog, much less any Party or Person---
Come, come, your Keys, your Keys.
*
{Fop.} Ay, ay, discover, discover your Money, Sir, your
ready---
*
Sir {Tim.} Money, Sir, good lack, is that all? [{Smiling on
'em.}] Why, what a Beast was I, not knowing of your
coming, to put out all my Money last Week to Alderman
{Draw-tooth}? Alack, alack, what shift shall I make now
to accommodate you?---But if you please to come again
to morrow---
*
{Fop.} A shamming Rogue; the right Sneer and Grin
of a dissembling Whig. Come, come, deliver, Sir; we
are for no Rhetorick but ready Money.
                                 [{Aloud and threatning.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Hold, I beseech you, Gentlemen, not so loud;
for there is a Lord, a most considerable Person, and a
Stranger, honours my House to night; I wou'd not for
the world his Lordship shou'd be disturb'd.
*
{Wild.} Take no care for him, he's fast bound and all
his Retinue.
*
Sir {Tim.} How, bound! my Lord bound, and all his
People! Undone, undone, disgrac'd! What will the
{Polanders} say, that I shou'd expose their Embassador to
this Disrespect and Affront?
*
{Wild.} Bind him, and take away his Keys.
             [{They bind him hand and foot, and take his
                 Keys out of his Bosom.} Ex. {all}.
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, ay, what you please, Gentlemen, since my
Lord's bound---Oh, what Recompence can I make for so
unhospitable Usage? I am a most unfortunate Magistrate:
hah, who's there, {Jervice}? Alas, art thou here too? What,
canst not speak? but 'tis no matter and I were dumb
too; for what Speech or Harangue will serve to beg my
Pardon of my Lord?---And then my Heiress, {Jervice}, ay,
my rich Heiress, why, she'll be ravisht: Oh Heavens,
ravisht! The young Rogues will have no Mercy, {Jervice};
nay, perhaps as thou say'st, they'll carry her away.---Oh,
that thought! Gad, I rather the City-Charter were lost.
                       [{Enter some with Bags of Money.}
---Why, Gentlemen, rob like Christians, Gentlemen.
*
{Fop.} What, do you mutter, Dog?
*
Sir {Tim.} Not in the least, Sir, not in the least; only
a Conscience, Sir, in all things does well---Barbarous
Rogues. [{They go out all again.}] Here's your arbitrary
Power, {Jervice}; here's the Rule of the Sword now for you:
These are your Tory Rogues, your tantivy Roysters; but
we shall cry quits with you, Rascals, ere long; and if we
do come to our old Trade of Plunder and Sequestration,
we shall so handle ye---we'll spare neither Prince, Peer, nor
Prelate. Oh, I long to have a slice at your fat Church-men,
your Crape-Gownorums.
*
{Enter} Wild. Dresswell, Laboir, {and the rest, with more Bags}.
{Wild.} A Prize, a Prize, my Lads, in ready Guineas;
Contribution, my beloved.
*
{Dres.} Nay, then 'tis lawful Prize, in spite of {Ignoramus}
and all his Tribe---What hast thou here?
            [{To} Fop. {who enters with a Bag full of Papers}.
*
{Fop.} A whole Bag of Knavery, damn'd Sedition, Libels,
Treason, Successions, Rights and Privileges, with a new-fashion'd
Oath of Abjuration, call'd the Association.---
Ah, Rogue, what will you say when these shall be made
publick?
*
Sir {Tim.} Say, Sir? why, I'll deny it, Sir; for what Jury
will believe so wise a Magistrate as I cou'd communicate
such Secrets to such as you? I'll say you forg'd 'em, and
put 'em in---or print every one of 'em, and own 'em, as
long as they were writ and publisht in {London}, Sir. Come,
come, the World is not so bad yet, but a Man may speak
Treason within the Walls of {London}, thanks be to God,
and honest conscientious Jury-Men. And as for the Money,
Gentlemen, take notice you rob the Party.
*
{Wild.} Come, come, carry off the Booty, and prithee
remove that Rubbish of the Nation out of the way---
Your servant, Sir.---So, away with it to {Dresswell's}
Lodgings, his Coach is at the Door ready to receive it.
          [{They carry off Sir} Timothy, {and others take up
             the Bags, and go out with 'em}.
*
{Dres.} Well, you are sure you have all you came for?
*
{Wild.} All's safe, my Lads, the Writings all---
*
{Fop.} Come, let's away then.
*
{Wild.} Away? what meanest thou? is there not a Lord
to be found bound in his Bed, and all his People? Come,
come, dispatch, and each Man bind his Fellow.
*
{Fop.} We had better follow the Baggage, Captain.
*
{Wild.} No, we have not done so ill, but we dare shew
our Faces. Come, come, to binding.
*
{Fop.} And who shall bind the last Man?
*
{Wild.} Honest {Laboir}, d'ye hear, Sirrah? you get drunk
and lay in your Clothes under the Hall-Table; d'ye hear
me? Look to't, ye Rascal, and carry things discreetly,
or you'll be hang'd, that's certain. [{Ex.} Wild. {and} Dres.
*
{Fop.} So, now will I i'th' Morning to {Charlot}, and give
her such a Character of her Love, as if she have Resentment,
makes her mine.                                   [{Exit} Fop.
*
Sir {Tim.} [{calls within.}] Ho, {Jenkins, Roger, Simon}! where
are these Rogues? none left alive to come to my Assistance?
So ho, ho, ho, ho! Rascals, Sluggards, Drones! so ho,
ho, ho!
*
{Lab.} So, now's my Cue---and stay, I am not yet sober.
                    [{Puts himself into a drunken Posture.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Dogs, Rogues, none hear me? Fire, fire, fire!
*
{Lab.} Water, water, I say; for I am damnable dry.
*
Sir {Tim.} Hah, who's there?
*
{Lab.} What doleful Voice is that?
*
Sir {Tim.} What art thou, Friend or Foe? [{In a doleful Tone.}
*
{Lab.} Very direful---why, what the Devil art thou?
*
Sir {Tim.} If thou'rt a Friend, approach, approach the
wretched.
*
{Lab.} Wretched! What art thou, Ghost, Hobgoblin,
or walking Spirit? [{Reeling in with a Lanthorn in's Hand.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Oh, neither, neither, but mere Mortal, Sir
{Timothy Treat-all}, robb'd and bound.
                                [{Coming out led by} Laboir.
*
{Lab.} How, our generous Host!
*
Sir {Tim.} How, one of my Lord's Servants! Alas, alas,
how cam'st thou to escape?
*
{Lab.} E'en by miracle, Sir; by being drunk, and falling
asleep under the Hall-Table with your Worship's Dog
{Tory}, till just now a Dream of Small-beer wak'd me:
and crawling from my Kennel to secure the black Jack, I
stumbled upon this Lanthorn, which I took for one, till I
found a Candle in't, which helps me to serve your Worhsip.
                                  [{Goes to unbind his Hands.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Hold, hold, I say; for I scorn to be so uncivil
to be unbound before his Lordship: therefore run, Friend,
to his Honour's Chamber, for he, alas, is confined too.
*
{Lab.} What, and leave his worthy Friend in distress?
by no means, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} Well then, come, let's to my Lord, whom if
I be not asham'd to look in the Face, I am an errant
Sarazen.                     [{Exit Sir} Tim. {and} Lab.
*

#SCENE II. {Changes to} Wilding's {Chamber}.

 {He is discover'd sitting in a Chair bound, his Valet bound
         by him; to them Sir} Timothy {and} Laboir.
{Wild.} Peace, Sirrah, for sure I hear some coming---
Villains, Rogues! I care not for my self, but for the good
pious Alderman.                   [{Sir} Tim. {as listening}.
*
Sir {Tim.} Wonderful Goodness, for me! Alas, my Lord,
this sight will break my Heart.               [{Weeps.}
*
{Wild.} Sir {Timothy} safe! nay, then I do forgive 'em.
*
Sir {Tim.} Alas, my Lord, I've heard of your rigid Fate.
*
{Wild.} It is my Custom, Sir, to pray an Hour or two
in my Chamber, before I go to Bed; and having pray'd
that drousy Slave asleep, the Thieves broke in upon us
unawares, I having laid my Sword aside.
*
Sir {Tim.} Oh, Heavens, at his Prayers! damn'd Ruffians,
and wou'd they not stay till you had said your Prayers?
*
{Wild.} By no Persuasion---Can you not guess who they
shou'd be, Sir?
*
Sir {Tim.} Oh, some damn'd Tory-rory Rogues, you may
be sure, to rob a Man at his Prayers! why, what will this
World come to?
*
{Wild.} Let us not talk, Sir, but pursue 'em.
                                          [{Offering to go.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Pursue 'em! alas, they're past our reach by
this time.
*
{Wild.} Oh, Sir, they are nearer than you imagine: some
that know each Corner of your House, I'll warrant.
*
Sir {Tim.} Think ye so, my Lord? ay, this comes of
keeping open House; which makes so many shut up their
Doors at Dinner-time.
*
                   {Enter} Dresswell.
{Dres.} Good Morrow, Gentlemen! what, was the Devil
broke loose to night?
*
Sir {Tim.} Only some of his Imps, Sir, saucy Varlets,
insupportable Rascals---But well, my Lord, now I have
seen your Lordship at liberty, I'll leave you to your rest,
and go see what Harm this night's Work has done.
*
{Wild.} I have a little Business, Sir, and will take this
time to dispatch it in; my Servants shall to Bed, though
'tis already day---I'll wait on you at Dinner.
*
Sir {Tim.} Your time; my House and all I have is yours;
and so I take my Leave of your Lordship. [{Ex. Sir} Tim.
*
{Wild.} Now for my angry Maid, the young {Charlot};
'Twill be a Task to soften her to Peace;
She is all new and gay, young as the Morn,
Blushing as tender Rose-Buds on their Stalks,
Pregnant with Sweets, for the next Sun to ravish.
---Come, thou shalt along with me, I'll trust thy Friendship.
                                                     [{Exeunt.}
*

#SCENE III. {Changes to} Diana's {Chamber}.

     {She is discover'd dressing, with} Betty.
{Dia.} Methinks I'm up as early as if I had a mind to
what I'm going to do, marry this rich old Coxcomb.
*
{Bet.} And you do well to lose no time.
*
{Dia.} Ah, {Betty}, and cou'd thy Prudence prefer an old
Husband, because rich, before so young, so handsom, and
so soft a Lover as {Wilding}?
*
{Bet.} I know not that, Madam; but I verily believe
the way to keep your young Lover, is to marry this old
one: for what Youth and Beauty cannot purchase, Money
and Quality may.
*
{Dia.} Ay, but to be oblig'd to lie with such a Beast;
ay, there's the Devil, {Betty}. Ah, when I find the difference
of their Embraces,
The soft dear Arms of {Wilding} round my Neck.
From those cold feeble ones of this old Dotard;
When I shall meet, instead of {Tom's} warm kisses,
A hollow Pair of thin blue wither'd Lips,
Trembling with Palsy, stinking with Disease,
By Age and Nature barricado'd up
With a kind Nose and Chin;
What Fancy or what Thought can make my Hours
supportable?
*
{Bet.} What? why six thousand Pounds a Year, Mistress.
He'll quickly die, and leave you rich, and then do what
you please.
*
{Dia.} Die! no, he's too temperate---Sure these Whigs,
{Betty}, believe there's no Heaven, they take such care to
live so long in this World---No, he'll out-live me.   [{Sighs.}
*
{Bet.} In Grace a God he may be hang'd first, Mistress---
Ha, one knocks, and I believe 'tis he.
                               [{She goes to open the Door.}
*
{Dia.} I cannot bring my Heart to like this Business;
One sight of my dear {Tom} wou'd turn the Scale.
*
{Bet.} Who's there?
*
     {Enter Sir} Tim. {joyful}; Dian. {walks away}.
{Sir Tim.} 'Tis I, impatient I, who with the Sun have
welcom'd in the Day;
     This happy Day to be inroll'd
     In Rubrick Letters and in Gold.
---Hum, I am profoundly eloquent this Morning.   [{Aside.}
---Fair Excellence, I approach---     [{Going toward her.}
*
{Dia.} Like Physick in a Morning next one's Heart; [{Aside.}
Which, though it be necessary, is most filthy loathsom.
                                         [{Going from him.}
*
Sir {Tim.} What, do you turn away, bright Sun of Beauty?
---Hum, I'm much upon the Suns and Days this Morning.
*
{Dia.} It will not down.
          [{Turning on him, looks on him, and turns away.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Alas, ye Gods, am I despis'd and scorn'd?
Did I for this ponder upon the Question,
Whether I should be King or Alderman?   [{Heroickly.}
*
{Dia.} If I must marry him, give him Patience to endure
the Cuckolding, good Heaven.                     [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Heaven! did she name Heaven, {Betty}?
*
{Bet.} I think she did, Sir.
*
Sir {Tim.} I do not like that: What need has she to
think of Heaven upon her Wedding-day?
*
{Dia.} Marriage is a sort of Hanging, Sir; and I was
only making a short Prayer before Execution.
*
Sir {Tim.} Oh, is that all? Come, come, we'll let that
alone till we're abed, that we have nothing else to do.
                                        [{Takes her Hand.}
*
{Dia.} Not much, I dare swear.
*
Sir {Tim.} And let us, Fair one, haste; the Parson stays;
besides, that heap of Scandal may prevent us---I mean,
my Nephew.
*
{Dia.} A Pox upon him now for naming {Wilding}. [{Weeps.}
*
Sir {Tim.} How, weep at naming my ungracious Nephew?
Nay, then I am provok'd---Look on this Head, this wise
and Reverend Head; I'd have ye know, it has been taken
measure on to fit it to a Crown, d'ye see.
*
{Dia.} A Halter rather.                        [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, and it fits it too: and am I slighted, I that
shall receive {Billet-Doux} from {Infanta's}? 'tis most uncivil
and impolitick.
*
{Dia.} I hope he's mad, and then I reign alone. [{Aside.}
Pardon me, Sir, that parting Tear I shed indeed at naming
     {Wilding},
Of whom my foolish Heart has now ta'en leave,
And from this Moment is intirely yours.
      [{Gives him her Hand, they go out followed by} Betty.
*

#SCENE IV. {Changes to a Street.}

{Enter} Charlot, {led by} Foppington, {follow'd by Mrs.}
                          Clacket.
{Char.} Stay, my Heart misgives me, I shall be undone.
---Ah, whither was I going? [{Pulls her Hand from} Fop.
*
{Fop.} Do, stay till the News arrives that he is married to
her that had his Company to night, my Lady {Galliard}.
*
{Char.} Oh! Take heed lest you sin doubly, Sir.
*
{Fop.} By Heaven, 'tis true, he past the Night with her.
*
{Char.} All night! what cou'd they find to do?
*
Mrs. {Clack.} A very proper Question; I'll warrant you
they were not idle, Madam.
*
{Char.} Oh, no; they lookt and lov'd and vow'd and
lov'd, and swore eternal Friendship---Haste, haste, and
lead me to the Church, the Altar; I'll put it past my
Power to love him more.
*
{Fop.} Oh, how you charm me! [{Takes her by the Hand.}
*
{Char.} Yet what art thou? a Stranger to my Heart.
Wherefore, ah why, on what occasion shou'd I?
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Acquaintance, 'tis enough, I know him,
Madam, and I hope my Word will be taken for a greater
matter in the City: In troth you're beholden to the Gentleman
for marrying you, your Reputation's gone.
*
{Char.} How, am I not honest then?
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Marry, Heaven forbid! But who that knows
you have been a single Hour in {Wilding's} Hands, wou'd
not swear you have lost your Maidenhead? And back again
I'm sure you dare not go unmarried; that wou'd be a fine
History to be sung to your eternal Fame in a Ballad.
*
{Fop.} Right; and you see {Wilding} has left you for
the Widow, to whom perhaps you'll shortly hear he's
married.
*
{Char.} Oh, you trifle, Sir; lead on. [{They going out, meet
                Sir} Anthony {with Musick: they return}.
*
Sir {Anth.} Come, come, Gentlemen, this is the House, and
this the Window belonging to my Lady's Bed-chamber:
Come, come, let's have some neat, soft, brisk, languishing,
sprightly Air now.
*
{Fop.} Old {Meriwill}---how shall I pass by him!
                                               [{Stand by.}
*
Sir {Anth.} So, here's Company too; 'tis very well---Not
have the Boy? I'll warrant this does the Business---Come,
come, screw up your Chitterling.               [{They play.}
---Hold, hold a little---Good morrow, my Lady {Galliard}.
---Give your Ladyship Joy.
*
{Char.} What do I hear, my Lady {Galliard} joy'd?
*
{Fop.} How, married her already?
*
{Char.} Oh, yes, he has. Lovely and false, hast thou
deceiv'd my Faith?
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Oh, Heavens, Mr. {Foppington}, she faints.
---ah me!                [{They hold her, Musick plays.}
*
   {Enter} Wilding {and} Dresswell, {disguis'd as before}.
{Wild.} Ah, Musick at {Galliard's} Door!
*
Sir {Anth.} Good morrow, Sir {Charles Meriwill}: give your
Worship and your fair Lady Joy.
*
{Wild.} Hah, {Meriwill} married the Widow!
*
{Dres.} No matter; prithee advance, and mind thy own
Affairs.
*
{Wild.} Advance, and not inquire the meaning on't!
Bid me not eat, when Appetite invites me;
Not draw, when branded with the Name of Coward;
Nor love, when Youth and Beauty meet my Eyes---
Hah!--- [{Sees Sir} Charles {come into the Balcony undrest}.
*
Sir {Char.} Good morrow, Uncle. Gentlemen, I thank
ye: Here, drink the King's Health, with my Royal Master's
the Duke.                              [{Gives 'em Money.}
*
{Fid.} Heaven bless your Honour, and your virtuous
Bride.
*
{Fop. Wilding!} undone.
       [{Shelters} Charlot, {that she may not see} Wilding.
*
{Wild.} Death and the Devil, {Meriwill} above!
*
Sir {Anth.} Ah, the Boy's Rival here! By {George}, here
may be breathing this Morning---No matter, here's two
to two; come, Gentlemen, you must in.
                    [{Thrusts the Musick in, and goes in.}
*
{Dres.} Is't not what you expected? nay, what you
wisht?
*
{Wild.} What then? it comes too suddenly upon me---
E'er my last Kiss was cold upon her Lips,
Before the pantings of her Breast were laid,
Rais'd by her Joys with me; Oh, damn'd deluding Woman!
*
{Dres.} Be wise, and do not ruin where you love.
*
{Wild.} Nay, if thou com'st to reasoning, thou hast lost me.
                           [{Breaks from him, and runs in.}
*
{Char.} I say 'twas {Wilding's} Voice, and I will follow it.
*
{Fop.} How, Madam, wou'd you after him?
*
{Char.} Nay, force me not; by Heaven, I'll cry a Rape,
Unless you let me go---Not after him!
Yes, to the infernal Shades---Unhand me, Sir.
*
{Fop.} How, Madam, have you then design'd my Ruin?
*
{Char.} Oh, trust me, Sir, I am a Maid of Honour.
                                  [{Runs in after} Wild.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} So; a Murrain of your Projects, we're all
undone now: For my part I'll e'en after her, and deny
to have any hand in the Business.             [{Goes in.}
*
{Fop.} Damn all ill Luck, was ever Man thus Fortune-bit,
that he shou'd cross my Hopes just in the nick? But shall
I lose her thus? No, Gad, I'll after her; and come the
worst, I have an Impudence shall out-face a {Middlesex}
Jury, and out-swear a Discoverer.            [{Goes in.}
*

#SCENE V. {Changes to a Chamber.}

{Enter Lady} Galliard, {pursued by Sir} Charles, {and Footman}.
L. {Gal.} Sirrah, run to my Lord Mayor's, and require
some of his Officers to assist me instantly; and d'ye
hear, Rascal, bar up my Doors, and let none of his mad
Crew enter.               [{To the Footman who is going.}
*
Sir {Char. William}, you may stay, {William}.
*
L. {Gal.} I say, obey me, Sirrah.
*
Sir {Char.} Sirrah, I say---know your Lord and Master.
*
{Will.} I shall, Sir.                         [{Goes out.}
*
L. {Gal.} Was ever Woman teaz'd thus? pursue me not.
*
Sir {Char.} You are mistaken, I'm disobedient grown,
Since we became one Family; and when
I've us'd you thus a Week or two, you will
Grow weary of this peevish fooling.
*
L. {Gal.} Malicious thing, I wo'not, I am resolv'd I'll
tire thee out merely in spite, to have the better of thee.
*
Sir {Char.} I'm as resolv'd as you, and do your worst,
For I'm resolv'd never to quit thy House.
*
L. {Gal.} But, Malice, there are Officers i'th' City, that
will not see me us'd thus, and will be here anon.
*
Sir {Char.} Magistrates! why, they shall be welcome, if
they be honest and loyal; if not, they may be hang'd in
Heaven's good time.
*
L. {Gal.} Are you resolv'd to be thus obstinate?
Fully resolv'd to make this way your Conquest?
*
Sir {Char.} Most certainly, I'll keep you honest to your
Word, my Dear---I've Witness---
*
L. {Gal.} You will?
*
Sir {Char.} You'll find it so.
*
L. {Gal.} Then know, if thou darest marry me, I will
so plague thee, be so reveng'd for all those Tricks thou
hast play'd me---
---Dost thou not dread the Vengeance Wives can take?
*
Sir {Char.} Not at all: I'll trust thy Stock of Beauty
with thy Wit.
*
L. {Gal.} Death, I will cuckold thee.
*
Sir {Char.} Why, then I shall be free o'th' Reverend City.
*
L. {Gal.} Then I will game without cessation, till I've
undone thee.
*
Sir {Char.} Do, that all the Fops of empty Heads and
Pockets may know where to be sure of a Cully; and may
they rook ye till ye lose, and fret, and chafe, and rail those
youthful Eyes to sinking; watch your fair Face to pale
and withered Leanness.
*
L. {Gal.} Then I will never let thee bed with me, but
when I please.
*
Sir {Char.} For that, see who'll petition first, and then
I'll change for new ones every Night.
*
                    {Enter} William.
{Will.} Madam, here's Mr. {Wilding} at the Door, and
will not be deny'd seeing you.
*
L. {Gal.} Hah, {Wilding}! Oh, my eternal Shame! now
thou hast done thy worst.
*
Sir {Char.} Now for a Struggle 'twixt your Love and
  Honour!
---Yes, here's the Bar to all my Happiness,
You wou'd be left to the wide World and Love,
To Infamy, to Scandal, and to {Wilding};
But I have too much Honour in my Passion,
To let you loose to ruin: Consider and be wise.
*
L. {Gal.} Oh, he has toucht my Heart too sensibly. [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Anth.} [{within.}] As far as good Manners goes I'm
  yours;
But when you press indecently to Ladies Chambers, civil
Questions ought to askt, I take it, Sir.
*
L. {Gal.} To find him here, will make him mad with
Jealousy, and in the Fit he'll utter all he knows: Oh,
Guilt, what art thou!                            [{Aside.}
*
            {Enter Sir} Anth. Wild. {and} Dres.
{Dres.} Prithee, dear {Wilding}, moderate thy Passion.
*
{Wild.} By Heaven, I will; she shall not have the
Pleasure to see I am concern'd---Morrow, Widow; you
are early up, you mean to thrive, I see, you're like a Mill
that grinds with every Wind.
*
Sir {Char.} Hah, {Wilding}, this that past last Night at
Sir {Timothy's} for a Man of Quality? Oh, give him way,
{Wilding's} my Friend, my Dear, and now I'm sure I have
the Advantage of him in my Love. I can forgive a hasty
Word or two.
*
{Wild.} I thank thee, {Charles}---what, you are married then?
*
L. {Gal.} I hope you've no Exception to my Choice.
                                           [{Scornfully.}
*
{Wild.} False Woman, dost thou glory in thy Perfidy?
                               [{To her aside angrily.}
---Yes, Faith, I've many Exceptions to him--- [{Aloud.}
Had you lov'd me, you'd pitcht upon a Blockhead,
Some spruce gay Fool of Fortune, and no more,
Who would have taken so much Care of his own ill-favour'd
  Person,
He shou'd have had no time to have minded yours,
But left it to the Care of some fond longing Lover.
*
L. {Gal.} Death, he will tell him all! [{aside.}] Oh, you
are merry, Sir.
*
{Wild.} No, but thou art wondrous false,
False as the Love and Joys you feign'd last Night.
                             [{In a soft Tone aside to her.}
*
L. {Gal.} Oh, Sir, be tender of those treacherous Minutes.
                                             [{Softly to him.}
---If this be all you have to say to me---
                        [{Walking away, and speaking loud.}
*
{Wild.} Faith, Madam, you have us'd me scurvily,
To marry, and not give me notice.            [{Aloud.}
---Curse on thee, did I only blow the Fire
To warm another Lover?               [{To her softly aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} Perjur'd---was't not by your Advice I married?
---Oh, where was then your Love? [{Softly to him aside.}
*
{Wild.} So soon did I advise?
Didst thou invite me to the Feast of Love,
To snatch away my Joys as soon as tasted?
Ah, where was then you Modesty and Sense of Honour?
                         [{Aside to her in a low Tone.}
*
L. {Gal.} Ay, where indeed, when you so quickly vanquisht?
                                                [{Soft.}
---But you, I find, are come prepared to rail.   [{Aloud.}
*
{Wild.} No, 'twas with thee to make my last Effort
against your scorn.          [{Shews her the Writings.}
And this I hop'd, when all my Vows and Love,
When all my Languishments cou'd nought avail,
Had made ye mine for ever.                   [{Aloud.}
*
  {Enter Sir} Anthony, {pulling in Sir} Tim. {and} Diana.
Sir {Anth.} Morrow, {Charles}; Morrow to your Ladyship:
{Charles}, bid Sir {Timothy} welcome; I met him luckily at
the Door, and am resolv'd none of my Friends shall pass
this joyful Day without giving thee Joy, {Charles}, and
drinking my Lady's Health.
*
{Wild.} Hah, my Uncle here so early?          [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} What, has your Ladyship serv'd me so? How
finely I had been mump'd now, if I had not took Heart
of Grace, and shew'd your Ladyship Trick for Trick?
for I have been this Morning about some such Business
of Life too, Gentlemen: I am married to this fair Lady,
the Daughter and Heiress of Sir {Nicholas Gett-all}, Knight
and Alderman.
*
{Wild.} Ha, married to {Diana}!
How fickle is the Faith of common Women!   [{Aside.}
*
Sir {Tim.} Hum, who's here, my Lord? What, I see
your Lordship has found the way already to the fair
Ladies; but I hope your Lordship will do my Wedding-dinner
the Honour to grace it with your Presence.
*
{Wild.} I shall not fail, Sir.
A Pox upon him, he'll discover all.     [{Aside.}
*
L. {Gal.} I must own, Sir {Timothy}, you have made the
better Choice.
*
Sir {Tim.} I cou'd not help my Destiny; Marriages are
made in Heaven, you know.
*
         {Enter} Charlot {weeping, and} Clacket.
{Charl.} Stand off, and let me loose as are my Griefs,
Which can no more be bounded: Oh, let me face
The perjur'd, false, forsworn!
*
L. {Gal.} Fair Creature, who is't that you seek with so
much Sorrow?
*
{Charl.} Thou, thou fatally fair Inchantress.   [{Weeps.}
*
{Wild. Charlot!} Nay, then I am discover'd.
*
L. {Gal.} Alas, what wou'dst thou?
*
{Charl.} That which I cannot have, thy faithless Husband.
Be Judge, ye everlasting Powers of Love,
Whether he more belongs to her or me.
*
Sir {Anth.} How, my Nephew claim'd! Why, how now,
Sirrah, have you been dabling here?
*
Sir {Char.} By Heaven, I know her not.---Hark ye,
Widow, this is some Trick of yours, and 'twas well laid:
and Gad, she's so pretty, I cou'd find in my Heart to take
her at her word.
*
L. {Gal.} Vile Man, this will not pass your Falshood off.
Sure, 'tis some Art to make me jealous of him,
To find how much I value him.
*
Sir {Char.} Death, I'll have the Forgery out;
---Tell me, thou pretty weeping Hypocrite, who was it
set thee on to lay a Claim to me?
*
{Charl.} To you! Alas, who are you? for till this moment
I never saw your Face.
*
L. {Gal.} Mad as the Seas when all the Winds are raging.
*
Sir {Tim.} Ay, ay, Madam, stark mad! Poor Soul---
Neighbour, pray let her lie i'th' dark, d'ye hear.
*
Sir {Char.} How came you, pretty one, to lose your Wits
thus?
*
{Charl.} With loving, Sir, strongly, with too much loving.
---Will you not let me see the lovely false one? [{To L.} Gal.
For I am told you have his Heart in keeping.
*
L. {Gal.} Who is he? pray describe him.
*
{Charl.} A thing just like a Man, or rather Angel!
He speaks, and looks, and loves, like any God!
All fine and gay, all manly, and all sweet:
And when he swears he loves, you wou'd swear too
That all his Oaths were true.
*
Sir {Anth.} Who is she? some one who knows her and
is wiser, speak---you, Mistress.        [{To} Clacket.
*
Mrs. {Clack.} Since I must speak, there comes the Man
  of Mischief:
'Tis you, I mean, for all your Leering, Sir.   [{To} Wild.
*
{Wild.} So.
*
Sir {Tim.} What, my Lord?
*
Mrs. {Clack.} I never knew your Nephew was a Lord:
Has his Honour made him forget his Honesty?
              [Charl. {runs, and catches him in her Arms}.
*
{Charl.} I have thee, and I'll die thus grasping thee;
Thou art my own, no Power shall take thee from me.
*
{Wild.} Never; thou truest of thy Sex, and dearest,
Thou soft, thou kind, thou constant Sufferer,
This moment end thy Fears; for I am thine.
*
{Charl.} May I believe thou art not married then?
*
{Wild.} How can I, when I'm yours?
How cou'd I, when I love thee more than Life?
Now, Madam, I am reveng'd on all your Scorn, [{To} L. {Gal.}
---And, Uncle, all your Cruelty.
*
Sir {Tim.} Why, what, are you indeed my Nephew {Thomas}?
*
{Wild.} I am {Tom Wilding}, Sir, that once bore some such
Title, till you discarded me, and left me to live upon my
Wits.
*
Sir {Tim.} What, and are you no Polish Embassador then
{incognito}?
*
{Wild.} No, Sir, nor you no King Elect, but must e'en
remain as you were ever, Sir, a most seditious pestilent old
Knave; one that deludes the Rabble with your Politicks,
then leaves 'em to be hang'd, as they deserve, for silly
mutinous Rebels.
*
Sir {Tim.} I'll peach the Rogue, and then he'll be hang'd
in course, because he's a Tory. One comfort is, I have
cozen'd him of his rich Heiress; for I'm married, Sir, to
Mrs. {Charlot}.
*
{Wild.} Rather {Diana}, Sir; I wish you Joy: See here's
{Charlot}. I was not such a Fool to trust such Blessings
with the Wicked.
*
Sir {Char.} How, Mrs. {Dy} Ladyfi'd! This is an excellent
way of disposing an old cast-off Mistress.
*
Sir {Tim.} How, have I married a Strumpet then?
*
{Dia.} You give your Nephew's Mistress, Sir, too coarse
a Name. 'Tis true, I lov'd him, only him, and was true
to him.
*
Sir {Tim.} Undone, undone! I shall ne'er make {Guildhall}-Speech
more: but he shall hang for't, if there be e'er a
Witness to be had between this and {Salamanca} for Money.
*
{Wild.} Do your worst, Sir; Witnesses are out of fashion
now, Sir, thanks to your {Ignoramus} Juries.
*
Sir {Tim.} Then I'm resolv'd to disinherit him.
*
{Wild.} See, Sir, that's past your Skill too, thanks to my
last Night's Ingenuity; they're [{shews him the Writings}.]
sign'd, seal'd, and deliver'd in the presence of, {&c}.
*
Sir {Tim.} Bear Witness, 'twas he that rob'd me last night.
*
Sir {Anth.} We bear witness, Sir, we know of no such
matter we. I thank you for that, Sir; wou'd you make
Witnesses of Gentlemen?
*
Sir {Tim.} No matter for that, I'll have him hang'd, nay,
drawn and quarter'd.
*
{Wild.} What, for obeying your Commands, and living
on my Wits?
*
Sir {Anth.} Nay, then 'tis a clear Case, you can neither
hang him or blame him.
*
{Wild.} I'll propose fairly now; if you'll be generous
and pardon all, I'll render your Estate back during Life,
and put the Writings in Sir {Anthony Meriwill's} and Sir
{Charles} his Hands---
I have a Fortune here that will maintain me,
Without so much as wishing for your Death.
*
{All.} This is but Reason.
*
Sir {Char.} With this Proviso, that he makes not use on't
to promote any Mischief to the King and Government.
*
{All.} Good and Just.                 [{Sir} Tim. {pauses}.
*
Sir {Tim.} Hum, I'd as good quietly agree to't, as lose
my Credit by making a Noise.---Well, {Tom}, I pardon all,
and will be Friends.            [{Gives him his Hand.}
*
Sir {Char.} See, my dear Creature, even this hard old
Man is mollify'd at last into good Nature; yet you'll still
be cruel.
*
L. {Gal.} No, your unwearied Love at last has vanquisht
me. Here, be as happy as a Wife can make ye---One last
look more, and then---be gone, fond Love.
      [{Sighing and looking on} Wilding, {giving Sir} Charles
           her Hand}.
*
Sir {Char.} Come, Sir, you must receive {Diana} too; she
is a cheerful witty Girl, and handsome, one that will be a
Comfort to your Age, and bring no Scandal home. Live
peaceably, and do not trouble your decrepid Age with
Business of State.
     Let all things in their own due Order move,
     Let {Cae7sar} be the Kingdom's Care and Love;
     Let the hot-headed Mutineers petition,
     And meddle in the Rights of just Succession:
     But may all honest Hearts as one agree
     To bless the King, and Royal {Albany}.     [{Exeunt.}
*

                   EPILOGUE.
Written by a Person of Quality: Spoken by Mrs. {Boteler}.

     My Plot, I fear, will take but with a few,
     A rich young Heiress to her first Lover true!
     'Tis damn'd unnatural, and past enduring,
     Against the fundamental Laws of Whoring.
     Marrying's the Mask, which Modesty assures,
     Helps to get new, and covers old Amours;
     And Husband sounds so dull to a Town-Bride,
     Ye now-a-days condemn him e'er he's try'd;
     E'er in his Office he's confirm'd Possessor,
     Like {Trincaloes} you chuse him a Successor,
     In the gay Spring of Love, when free from Doubts,
     With early Shoots his Velvet Forehead sprouts,
     Like a poor Parson bound to hard Indentures,
     You make him pay his First-fruits e'er he enters.
     But for short Carnivals of stoln good Cheer,
     You're after forc'd to keep Lent all the Year;
     Till brought at last to a starving Nun's Condition,
     You break into our Quarters for Provision;
     Invade Fop-corner with your glaring Beauties,
     And 'tice our Loyal Subjects from their Duties.
     Pray, Ladies, leave that Province to our Care; )
     A Fool is the Fee-simple of a Player,          )
     In which we Women claim a double share.        )
     In other things the Men are Rulers made;
     But catching Woodcocks is our proper Trade.
     If by Stage-Fops they a poor Living get,    )
     We can grow rich, thanks to our Mother-Wit, )
     By the more natural Blockheads of the Pit.  )
     Take then the Wits, and all their useless Prattles;
     But as for Fools, they are our Goods and Chattels.
     Return, Ingrates, to your first Haunt the Stage;
     We taught your Youth, and help'd your feeble Age.
     What is't you see in Quality we want?                 )
     What can they give you which we cannot grant?         )
     We have their Pride, their Frolicks, and their Paint. )
     We feel the same Youth dancing in our Blood;
     Our Dress as gay---All underneath as good.
     Most Men have found us hitherto more true,    )
     And if we're not abus'd by some of you,       )
     We're full as fair---perhaps as wholesom too. )
     But if at best our hopeful Sport and Trade is,
     And nothing now will serve you but great Ladies;
     May question'd Marriages your Fortune be,
     And Lawyers drain your Pockets more than we:
     May Judges puzzle a clear Case with Laws,
     And Musquetoon at last decide the Cause.