A2 [xylographic] THE BLACKE BOOKE LONDON Printed by T.C. for Jeffrey Chorlton. 1604 A2v A3 The Epistle to the Reader. or The true Character of this Booke. To all those that are truly Vertuous, and can touch Pitch and yet never defile themselves: reade the mischievous lives and pernicious practises of Villaines, and yet be never the worse at the end of the Booke, but rather confirmde the more in their honest Estates, and the uprightnes of their Vertues: To such I dedicate my selfe, the wholesome intent of my labours, A3v the modestie of my Phrases, that even blush when they discover Vices, and unmaske the worlds shadowed villanies: And I account him as a Traytor to Vertue, who diving into the deepe of this cunning Age, and finding there such Monsters of Nature, such speckled lumps of poyson, as Pandars, Harlots, and Ruffians do figure, if hee rise up silent again, and neither discover or publish them to the civil Ranck of sober and continent Livers, who thereby may shunne those two devouring Gulfes: to wit, of Deceit and Luxury, which swallow up more Mortals, then Scylla and Charibdis, those two Cormorants and Woolners of the Sea, one tearing, the other devouring: Wherefore I freely perswade my selfe, no vertuous spirit, or Judiciall Worthy, but wil approve my politick Morrall, where under the shadow of the Divels Legacies, or his bequeathing to Villaines, I A4 strip their villanies naked, and bare the infectious Bulkes of Craft, Coosnage, and Pandarisme, the three Bloodhoundes of a Common-wealth: And thus farre I presume, that none will or can except at this which I call the Black Booke (because it doubly Damnes the Divel) but some tainted Harlot, Noselesse Bawde, obsceane Ruffian, and such of the same blacke Nature, and filthy Condition, that poyson the towardly Spring of Gentilitie, and corrupt with the mud of mischiefs the pure and cleare streames of a Kingdome: And Page 2 to spurgall such, who reades me shall know I dare, for I feare neither the Rats-bane of a Harlot, nor the Ponyard of a Villaine. T.M. A4v [blank] B1 A Morall. Lucifer ascending, as Prologue to his owne Play. Now is Hell landed here upon the Earth, When Lucifer in limbes of burning gold, Ascends this dustie Theator of the world, To joyne his powers: and were it numbred well, There are more Divels on Earth then are in Hell. Hence springs my damned joy, my torturde spleene Melts into mirthfull Humour at this Fate, That heaven is hung so high, drawne up so farre, And made so fast, naylde up with many a Starre. And Hell the very shop-boord of the Earth, Where when I cut out soules, I throw the shreds And the white-lynings of a new-soyld Spirit, Pawnde to luxurious and adulterous merit. Yea, that's the sinne, and now it takes her turne, For which the world shall like a Strumpet burne: And for an Instance to fire false imbraces I make the world burne now in secret places, I haunt invisible corners as a Spie, And in adulterous Circles there rise I: B1v There am I conjur'd up through hote desire, And where Hell rises there must needs be fire. And now that I have vaulted up so hye Above the Stage-rayles of this earthen Globe: I must turne Actor, and joyne Companyes To share my Comick sleek-eyde Villanyes. For I must weave a thousand Ills in one, To please my blacke and burnt Affection: Why? every Tearme-time I come up to sowe Dissention betwixt Plough-men, that should sowe The Feilds vaste wombe, and make the harvest growe: So comes it oft to passe deare yeares befall, When Plough-men leave the Field to till the Hall: Thus Famine and bleake dearth doe greet the Land, When the Plough's held betweene a Lawyers hand. I fatte with joy to see how the poore Swaynes Page 3 Doe boxe their Country-thyes, carrying their Packets Of writings, yet can neither reade nor write, They're like to Candles if they had no light: For they're darke within, in sence and Judgement, As is the Hole at New-gate, and their thoughts Are like the men that lye there without spirit. This strikes my blacke soule into ravishing Musicke, B2 To see Swaynes plod and shake their ignorant skuls: For they are nought but skul, their braine but Burre, Wanting wits marrowe and the sap of Judgement; And how they grate with their hard nayly soales The stones in Fleet-street, and strike fire in Powles: Nay, with their heavie Trot, and yron-stalke, They have worne off the brasse in the mid-walke. But let these passe for Bubbles and so die, For I rise now to breathe my Legacie: And make my last Will, which I know shall stand, As long as Bawde, or Villaine strides the Land. For which Ile turne my shape quite out of Verse, Mov'd with the Supplication of poore Peirce, That writ so rarely villanous from hence, For spending money to my Excellence: Gave me my Titles freely, for which giving, I rise now to take order for his Living. The blacke Knight of the Poste shortly returnes From Hell, where many a Tabacc'nist burnes: With newes to smoaky Gallants, Ryotous Heires, Strumpets that follow Theators and Faires, Gilded-nosde Usurers, base mettald Pandars To Copper Captaines, and Pickt-hatch Commanders, B2v To all infectious Catch-poles through the Towne, The very speckled vermin of a crowne: To these and those, and every damned one, Ile bequeath Legacies to thrive upon: Amongst the which, Ile give for his redresse, A standing Pension to Peirce-Pennilesse. B3 THE BLACKE BOOKE. No sooner was Peirce-Pennilesse breathed forth, but I the Light-burning Serjant Lucifer, quencht my firie shape, and whipt into a Constables Night-gowne, the cunningst habite that could be, to search Tipsie Tavernes, roosting Innes, and frothy Ale-houses, when calling together my worshipfull Bench of Bill-men, I proceeded toward Pickt-hatch, intending to beginne their first, which (as I may fitly name it) is the very skirts of all Brothel-houses; the watchmen poore Night-crowes followed, and thought still they had had the Constable by the hand, when they had the divill by the Gowne-sleeve; at last I looking up to the Page 4 casements of every suspected mansion, and spying a light twinckling, betweene hope and desperation, gessed it to be some sleepie snuffe, ever and anon winking and nodding in the socket of a Candlesticke, as if the flame had been a departing from the greasie body of Simon Snuffe the Stinckard: whereupon I the blacke Constable commanded my white Guard, not onely to assist my Office with their browne Billes, but to raise up the house extemporie: with that the dreadfull watchmen having authority B3v standing by them, thundred at the doore, whilst the Candle lightned in the Chamber, and so betweene thundring and lightning, the Bawde rizze, furst putting the Snuffe to an untimely death, a cruell and a lamentable murther, and then with her fat-sag-chinne hanging downe like a Cowes Udder, lay reeking out at the windowe, demaunding the reason why they did sumon a Parly: I told her in plaine tearmes, that I had a warrant to search, from the Sheriffe of Limbo; How? from the Sheriffe of Lime-streete replyed Mistresse Wimble-chinne, (for so shee understood the word Limbo, as if Limbo had bene Latten for Lime-streete) why then all the doores of my house shall flye open and receive you Maister Constable; with that, as being the watch-word, two or three vaulted out of their beddes at once, one swearing stockes and stones, he could not finde his stockins, other that they could not hit uppon their false bodies, when to speake troath and shame my selfe, they were then as close to their flesh as they could, and never put them off since they were twelve yeare old: At last they shuffled up, and were shut out at the back-part, as I came in at the North-part, up the stayres I went to examine the Featherbeddes, and carrie the sheetes before the Justice, for there was none else then to carrie, onely the flowre was strewde with Buske-pointes, silke Garters, and shooe-strings, scattred here and there for hast to make away from me, and the farther such runne, the neerer they come to me: then another doore opening rere-ward, there came puffing out of the next roome a villainous Leiftenant without a Band, as if he had bene new cut downe, like one at Wapping, with his cruell Garters about his B4 Necke, which fitly resembled two of Dericks Neckelaces: he had a head of hayre like one of my Divells in Docter Faustus, when the old Theater crackt and frighted the Audience; His Browe was made of course Branne, as if all the Flower had bene boulted out to make honester men, so ruggedly moulded with chops and crevises, that I wonder how it helde together, had it not bene pasted with villany; His eye-browes jetted out like the round casement of an Page 5 Aldermans dining-roome, which made his eyes looke as if they had bene both damned in his head: for if so be two soules had bene so farre suncke into Hell-pittes, they would never have walkt abroad againe: His Nosthrills were cousen Germans to Currall, though of a softer condition, and of a more relenting humour; His Crowe-blacke Muchatoes, were almost halfe an Ell from one end to the other, as though they would whisper him in the eare about a cheate or a murther: and his whole face in generall, was more detestable ougly then the visage of my grim Porter Cerberus, which shewed that all his body besides was made of filthy Dust, and Sea-cole ashes: A downe countenance he had, as if he would have lookte thirty mile into Hell, and seene Sisyphus rowling, and Ixion spinning and reeling: thus in a payre of hoary Slippers, his stockins dangling about his wrists, and his read Buttons like Foxes out of their holes, he began like the true Champion of a vaulting-house, first to fray me with the Bug-beares of his rough-cast beard, and then to sound base in mine eares, like the Beare-garden Drum, and this was the humour he put on, and the very apparell of his Phrases: Why! maister Constable, dare you bawke us in our owne mansion? ha! B4v What is not our house our Cole-harbour, our Castle of come-downe, and lye-downe? must my honest wedded Punck here, my glorie-fatte Awdry be taken napping, and raisd up by the thunder of Bil-men? are we disanuld of our first sleepe? and cheated of our dreames and fantasies? is there not Law too for stealing away a mans slumbers, as well as for sheetes off from hedges? Come you to search an honest Bawdie-house, this seven and twentie yeares in fame and shame? goe too then, you shall search; nay, my very Bootes too: are you well now? the least hole in my house too, are you pleasde now? can we not take our ease in our Inne, but we must come out so quickly? Nawd, goe to bed, sweet Nawd, thou wilt coole thy grease anon, and make thy fat cake. This sayd (by the vertue and vice of my Office) I commanded my Bil-men downe staires, when in a twinckling discovering my selfe a little, as much as might serve to rellish me, and shew what stuffe I was made off, I came and kist the Bawde, hugde her excellent villanies and cunning rare conveyances, then turning my selfe, I threw mine armes (like a scarffe or Bandaleere) crosse the Leiftenants melancholly Bosome, embracst his resolute phrases, and his dissolute humours, highly commending the damnable Trade, and detestable course of their living, so excellent filthie, and so admirable villanous! Whereupon this Leiftenant of Pickt-hatch, fell into deeper league and farther acquaintance with the blackenesse of my bosome, sometimes calling me Maister Lucifer the Head-borow, sometimes Maister Devillin, the little blacke Constable. Then telling me, he heard from Limbo the II. of the last Moneth, and that he had the Page 6 letter to shew, where they were all very mery: marry as he told me, there were some of his friends in Phlegeton, C1 troubled with the heart-burning: yea, and with the soule-burning too thought I: though thou litle dreamst of the torment: then complaining to me of their bad takings all the last plaguy Sommer, that there was no stirrings, and therefore undone for want of doings, whereupon after many such inductions to bring the sceane of his poverty upon the Stage, he desired in coole tearmes to borrow some forty pence of me; I stuft with anger at that base and lazie petition, (knowing that a right true villaine, and an absolute practizd Pandar could not want silver damnation, but living upon the Revenewes of his wits, might purchase the Divel and all), halfe conquerd with rage thus I replyed to his basenes. Why! for shame a Bawde and poore? why then let usurers goe a begging, or like an old Greeke stand in Powles with a Porringer! let Brokers become whole honest then, and remove to heaven out of Hounsditch! Lawyers turne feelesse, and take Ten of a poore Widdowes teares for Tenne shillings! Merchants never forsweare themselves, whose great perjurde oaths a Land turne to great windes and cast away their Ships at Sea: which false perfidious tempest splits their ships abroad, and their soules at home, making the one take salt water, and the other salt fire: let Mercers then have conscionable Thumbes, when they measure out that smooth glittering Divel Sattin, and that old Reveller Velvet in the daies of Mounseir, both which have devoured many an honest Field of Wheate and Barly, that hath bene metamorphosed and changed into white mony; puh, these are but litle C1v wonders, and may be easily possible in the working; A Usurer to cry bread and meate is not a thing impossible, for indeed your greatest Usurer is your greatest Begger, wanting as well that which he hath, as that which he hath not: then who can be a greater Begger? he wil not have his house smel like a Cookes shop, and therefore takes an order no meate shall be drest in it, and because there was an House upon Fish-streete Hill burnt to the Ground once, hee can abide by no meanes to have a fire in his Chimny ever since: to the confirming of which, I wil insert here a pretie conceit of a nimble-wittied Gentlewoman, that was worthy to be Ladyfied for the Jest, who entring into a Usurers House in London, to take up mony upon unmerciful Interest, for the space of a Twelvemoneth, was conducted through two or three hungry roomes into a faire dining Roome, by a Lenten-faced Fellow, the Usurers man, whose Nose showde as if it had bene made of Page 7 hollow Past-boord, and his Cheeks like two thin Pancakes clapt together: A pittiful knave he was, and lookte for all the world as if meale had bene at twentie shillings a Bushell: the Gentlewoman being placed in this faire Roome to awayt the Usurers leysure, who was casting up Ditches of Golde in his Counting-house, and being almost frozen with standing (for it was before Kandelmas Frost-bitten Tearme) ever and anon turning about to the Chimney where shee sawe a paire of Corpulent Giganticall Andiorns that stood like two Burgomasters at both corners, a Harth briskly drest up, and a great cluster of Charcoale pilde up together like blacke Puddings, which laye for a C2 dead fire, and in the dyning Roome too: the Gentlewoman wondring it was so long a kindling, at last shee caught the miserable conceit of it, and calling her man to her, bad him seeke out for a piece of Chalke, or some peeling of a white Wall, whilest in the meane time shee conceited the Device, when taking up the sixe former Coales one after another, shee chalkt upon each of them a Satyricall Letter, which sixe were these. T. D. C. R. U. S. Explainde thus: These Dead Coales, Resemble Usurers Soules. Then placing them in the same order againe, turning the chalkt sides inward to try conclusions, which as it happened, made up the Jest the better, by that time the Usurer had done amongst his golden heapes, and entertaining the Gentlewoman with a Cough a quarter of an houre long, at last after a rotten Hawke and a Hem, he began to spit and speake to her: To conclude, she was furnished of the mony for a twelvemoneth, but upon large securitie and most Tragicall Usury; when keeping her day the Twelve-moneth after, comming to repaie both the mony and the breede of it (for Interest may well be calde the Usurers Bastard) shee found the Hearth drest up in the same C2v order with a dead fire of Charcole againe, and yet the Thames was halfe frozen at that time with the bitternes of the season: when turning the formost ranke of coales, determining againe as it seemd to drawe some prety knavery uppon them too, shee spyed all those sixe Letters which shee chalkt uppon them the twelvemonth before, and never a one stirde or displaced: the strange sight of which, made her breake into these words. Is it possible (quoth she) a Usurer should burne so litle here, and so much in Hell? or is it the colde propertie of these Coales to be above a twelvemonth a kindling? so much to showe the frozen Charity Page 8 of a Usurers Chimney. And then a Broaker to be an honest soule, that is, to take but sixpence a month, and three pence for the Bill making: a Divell of a very good conscience, possible too, to have a Lawyer bribelesse and without Fee if his clyentesse or female clyent please his eie wel, a Merchant to weare a sute of perjury but once a quarter or so: mistake me not, I meane not foure times an hower, that shift were too short, hee could not put it on so soone I thinke: and lastly, not impossible for a Mercer to have a Thumbe in Folio, like one of the biggest of the Guard, and so give good and very bountifull measure: but which is most impossible, to be a right Bawde and poore, it strikes my spleene into dulnes: and turnes all my blood into coole lead; Wherefore was vice ordained but to bee rich, shining and wealthy, seeing vertue her opponent is poore, ragged, and needy? those that are poore C3 are timorous honest, and foolish harmelesse, as your carroling Sheepheards, whistling Plough-men, and such of the same innocent Rancke, that never rellish the blacke Juice of villanie, never taste the red foode of murther, or the damnable suckets of Luxurie: whereas a Pandar is the very oyle of Villaines, and the sirroppe of Rogues; of excellent Rogues I meane, such as have purchasde five hundreds a yeare by the Talent of their villanie: how many such Gallants doe I know, that live onely uppon the revenewe of their wittes: some whose Braynes are above an hundred mile about, and those are your Geometricall Thieves, which may fitly be called so, because they measure the High-wayes with false Gallops, and therefore are Heires of more Acres then five and fiftie elder Brothers: sometimes they are Clerkes of Newe-market Heathe, sometimes the Shiriffes of Salisburie Plaine; and another time they commit Brothelrye, when they make many a man stand at Hockley in the Hole. These are your great head Land-lords indeed, which call the word Robbing, the gathering in of their Rents, and name all Passengers their Tenants at Will. Another set of delicate Knaves there are, that dive into Deedes and Writings of Landes, left to young Gull-finches, poysoning the true sence and intent of them, with the mercilesse Antimonie of the Common-Lawe, and so by some craftie Clawe or two, shove the true foolish Owners quite beside the Saddle of their Patrimonies, and then they hang onely by the Stirrops: that is, by the colde Almes and C3v frozen charitie of the Gentlemen-defeaters; who (if they take after me their great Grandfather) will rather stampe them downe in the deepe mire of povertie, then bolster up their heads with a poore wispe of charitie: such as these Page 9 corrupt the true meanings of last Willes and Testaments: and turne Legacies the wrong way, wresting them quite awrie like Grauntum Steeple. The third Rancke (quainter then the former) presents us with the Race of lustie Vaulting Gallants, that in stead of a French Horse practize uppon their Mistresses all the nimble Trickes of vaulting, and are worthie to bee made Dukes for doing the Somerset so lively. This Neast of Gallants, for the naturall partes that are in them, are maintaynde by their Drawne-worke Dames, and their imbrodered Mistresses, and can dispend their two thousand a yeare out of other mens Coffers: keepe at every heele a man, beside a French Lackey, (a great Boy with a beard) and an English Page, which filles up the place of an Ingle: they have their Cittie-horse (which I may well tearme their Stone-horse or their Horse uppon the Stones): For indeed, the Cittie being the lusty Dame and Mistresse of the Land, layes all her foundation upon good Stone-worke, and some body payes well for't, where 'ere it lights, and might with lesse cost keepe London-Bridge in reparations every fall, then Mistresse Briget his wife; for Women and Bridges alwayes lacke mending; and what the advantage of one Tide performes, comes another Tide presently and washes away. C4 Those are your Gentlemen-Gallants, that seeth uppermost, and never lin gallopping, till they runne over into the fire, so gloriously accoultred, that they ravish the eyes of all Wantons, and take them prisoners in their shops with a briske sute of Apparell: they strangle and choake more Velvet in a deepe gathered Hose, then would serve to line through my Lord what call ye-hims Coach. What need I inferre more of their prodigall glistrings, and their spangled damnations? when these are Arguments sufficient to shew the wealth of sinne, and howe rich the Sonnes and Heires of Tartarie are: And are these so glorious, so florishing, so brim-full of golden Lucifers or light Angells, and thou a Pandar and poore? a Bawde and emptie, appareld in villainous Pack thread, in a wicked Sute of course Hoppe-bagges, the wings and skirts faced with the ruines of Dish-cloutes? Fie, I shame to see thee drest up so abhominable scurvie. Complaynst thou of bad doings, when there are Harlots of all Trades, and Knaves of all Languages? Knowest thou not, that sinne may bee committed, either in French, Dutch, Italian, or Spanish, and all after the English fashion? But thou excusest the negligence of thy practize by the last Summers Pestilence: Alas, poore Shark-Gull, that put off is idle: for Serjant Carbuncle, one of the Plagues chiefe Officers, dares not venture within three yardes of an Harlot, because Mounseir Dry-bone the French-man, is a Ledger before him. At which speech, the Page 10 Slave burst into a melancholy Laugh, which shewde for all the C4v worlde like a sadde Tragedie with a Clowne int: and thus began to reply. I know not whether it be Crosse or a Curse, (noble Philippe of Phlegeton) or whether both, that I am forced to pinck foure Elles of Bagge to make mee a Summer suite, but I protest, what with this long Vacation, and the fidging of Gallants to Norfolke, and up and downe Countries, Pierce was never so Pennilesse, as poore Lieutenant Frig-beard. With those words he put me in minde of him for whom I chiefly chaungde my selfe into an officious Constable, poore Pierce-Pennilesse: when presently I demaunded of this Leiuetenant the place of his abode, and when hee last heard of him (though I knew well enough both where to heare of him, and finde him) to which hee made answere. Who? Pierce, honest Pennilesse? hee that writ the Mad-caps Supplication? why, my very next Neighbour, lying within three leane houses of mee, at olde Mistresse Silver-pinnes, the onely doore-keeper in Europe. Why! we meete one another every Terme time, and shake hands when the Exchequer opens, but when we open our hands, the divell of Penny we can see. With that I cheerde up the drooping Slave, with the Aqua vitae of Villanie, and put him in excellent comfort of my damnable Legacie: saying, I would stuffe him with so many wealthy instructions, that hee should excell even Pandarus himselfe, and goe nine mile beyonde him in Pandarisme, and from thence forward he should never know a true Rascall goe under his red Velvet slops; and a gallant Bawde D1 indeed belowe her loose-bodied Sattin! This saide, the slave hugd himselfe and bust the Bawde for joy, when presently I left them in the midst of their wicked Smack, and descended to my Bil-men that waited in the pernitious Alley for me their Maister Constable: and marching forward to the third Garden-house, there we knockt up the Ghost of mistresse Silver-pin, who suddainly risse out of two white sheetes, and acted out of her tyring-house windowe, but having understood who we were, and the Authoritie of our office, she presently even in her Ghosts apparel, unfolded the Doores, and gave me my free enterance, when in policie I chargde the rest to stay and watch the house belowe, whilst I stumbled up two payre of stayres in the darke, but at last caught in mine eyes the sullen blaze of a melancholy lampe, that burnt very tragically uppon the Page 11 narrow Deske of a halfe Bedstead, which descryed all the pittifull Ruines throughout the whole chamber, the bare privities of the stone-walls were hid with two pieces of painted Cloth; but so ragged and tottred, that one might have seene all neverthelesse, hanging for all the world like the two men in Chaynes betweene Mile-end and Hackney; the Testerne or the shadow, over the bed, was made of foure Elles of Cobwebs, and a number of small Spinners Ropes hung downe for Curtaines; the Spindle-shanke Spyders which showe like great Leachers with litle legges, went stalking over his head, as if they had bene conning of Tamburlayne. To conclude, there was many such sights to be seene and all under a Pennie, beside D1v the lamentable prospect of his hose and doublet, which being of old Kendall Greene, fitly resembled a Pitcht Field, uppon which trampled many a lusty Corporal: in this unfortunate Tyring-house lay poore Pierce upon a Pillow stuft with Horsemeate, the Sheetes smudged so durtily, as if they had bene stolne by night out of Saint Pulchers Church-yard when the Sexton had left a Grave open, and so laide the dead bodies wool-ward; the Coverlet was made of peices a blacke Cloth clapt together, such as was snatcht off the railes in Kings Streete, at the Queenes Funerall: upon this miserable Beds-head, lay the old Copy of his Supplication in foule written hand which my blacke Knight of the Post conveyed to Hell: which no sooner I entertaynd in my hand, but with the ratling and blabbing of the papers, poore Pierce began to stretch and grate his Nose against the hard Pillowe, when after a Rowze or two, he muttred these reeling words betweene drunke and sober, that is, betweene sleeping and waking. I should laugh yfaith, if for all this I should prove a Usurer before I die, and have never a Penny now to set up withall, I would build a Nunnery in Pickt-hatch here, and turne the walke in Powles into a Bowling-Alley; I would have the Thames leaded over, that they might play at Cony-holes, with the Arches under London-Bridge. Well, and with that he wakte, the divell is mad Knave still. How now Peirce, (quoth I) doest thou call mee Knave to my face? Whereat the poore slave started up with his haire a tip-toe, to whom by easie degrees, I D2 gently discovered my selfe, who trembling like the treble of a Lute, under the heavie finger of a Farmers daughter, craved pardon of my damnable Excellence, and gave me my Titles as freely, as if he had knowne where all my Lordships Page 12 lay, and how many Acres there were in Tartarie: but at the length having recovered to be bold againe, he unfolded all his bosome to mee, told me that the Knight of Perjurie had lately brought him a singed Letter, sent from a damned Friend of his: Which was thus directed, As followeth. D2v From Stix to Woods-close, or The Walke of Pickt-hatch. After I sawe poore Pennilesse grow so well acquainted with me, and so familiar with the villany of my humour, I unlockt my determinations, and laide open my intents in particulars, the cause of my uprising being moved both with his penetrable petition and his insufferable poverty, and therefore changed my shape into a litle wapper-eyd Constable, to winke and blinke at small faults, and through the policy of searching, to finde him out the better in his cleanly Tabernacle, and therefore gave him encouragement now to be frolike, for the time was at hand like a Pickpurse, that Pierce should be cald no more Pennilesse, like the Maiors bench at Oxford, but rather Peirce-Penny-fist, because his palme shall bee pawde with Pence. This sayd, I bad him be resolvde, and get up to Breake-fast, whilst I went to gather my Noyse of Villaines together, and made his lodging my Convocation-house: with that in a resulting humour, he calde his Hose and Dublet to him, (which could almost goe alone, borne like a Herse upon the Legges of Vermin) whilst I thumpt downe staires with my Cowe-heele, imbraced Mistresse Silver-pinne, and betooke me to my Bill-men: when D3 in a twinckling before them all, I leapt out of Maister Constables Night-gowne, into an Usurers fustie furde Jacket, whereat the Watch-men staggered, and all their Billes fell downe in a sowne: when I walkte close by them laughing and coughing like a rotten-lungde Usurer, to see what Italian faces they all made, when they mist their Constable, and sawe the blacke Gowne of his Office lye full in a puddle. Well, away I scudded in the mustie moth-eaten habit, and being upon Exchange-time, I crowded my selfe amongst Merchants, poysoned all the Burse in a minute, and turnd their Faiths and Troths, into Curds and whaye, making them sweare those things now, which they for-swore when the Quarters struck againe: for I was present at the clapping up of every Bargaine, which did nere hold, no longer then Page 13 they helde handes together: there I heard newes out of all Countries, in all Languages; howe many Villainies were in Spaine: how many Luxurs in Italie: howe many perjurds in France: and how many Reele- pots in Germanie. At last I met at halfe turne, one, whom I had spent mine eyes so long for, an hoarie money-maister, that had beene off and on some sixe and fifty yeares dambde in his Counting-house, for his onely recreation was but to hop about the Burse before twelve, to heare what newes from the Bancke, and howe many Merchants were banqrout the last change of the Moone. This ramish Penny-father I rounded in the left Eare, winded in my intent, the place and D3v houre: Which no sooner hee suckt in, but smilde uppon me in French, and replyed. O Mounseir Deiabla, Ile be chiefe Guest at your Tabla. With that we shooke handes: and as we parted, I bade him bring Maister Cog-bill the Scrivener along with him, and so I vanisht out of that dressing. And passing through Burchen-lane, amidst a Campe Royall of Hose and Doublets, (Maister Snips backside being turnde where his face stood) I tooke excellent occasion to slip into a Captaines Sute, a valiant Buff-Doublet, stuft with Points like a Legge of Mutton with Parslye, and a payre of Velvet slops, scored thicke with Lace, which ranne round about the Hose like Ring-wormes, able to make a man scratch where it itcht not. And thus accoultred, taking up my weapons a trust in the same order, at the next Cutlers I came too, I marcht to Maister Bezles Ordinary, where I found a whole dozen of my damned crue sweating as much at Dice, as many poore Laborers doe with the casting of Ditches: when presently I set in a Stake amongst them: round it went; but the craftie Dice having peept uppon me once, knew who I was well enough, and would never have their little blacke eyes of a me all the while after; at last came my turne about, the Dice quaking in my Fist before I threw them; but when I yerkt them forth, away they ranne like Irish Lackeys, as farre as D4 their bones would suffer them, I sweeping up all the Stakes that laye uppon the Table: whereat some stampt, others swore, the rest curst, and all in generall fretted to the Gaull, that a new Commer (as they tearmed me) should gather in so many Fifteenes at the first vomit. Page 14 Well, thus it past on, the Dice running as false as the Drabbes in White-Fryers, and when any one thought himselfe surest, in came I with a lurching Cast, and made them all sweare round againe: But such Gunne-powder Oathes they were, that I wonder how the Seeling held together without spitting Morter upon them. Zownes, Captaine, swore one to mee, I thinke the Divell be thy good Lorde and Maister: True, (thought I) and thou his Gentleman-Usher. In conclusion, it fatted me better then twentie eighteene-pence Ordinaries, to heare them rage, curse and sweare, like so many Emperours of Darknesse. And all these twelve, were of twelve severall Companies. There was your Gallant extraordinary Thiefe, that keepes his Colledge of Good-Fellowes, and will not feare to robbe a Lord in his Coach for all his tenne Trencher-bearers on horse-back, your deepe conceited Cut-purse, who by the dexterity of his knife will draw out the money, and make a flame-colourd purse shew like the bottomlesse pit, but with never a soule int: your cheating Bowler that will bancke false of purpose, and loose a game of twelve-pence to purchase his D4v Partner twelve shillings in Betts, and so share it after the Play. Your Cheverell-gutted Catch-pole, who like a Horse-litch suckes Gentlemen, and in all your twelve Tribes of Villanie, who no sooner understood the quaint forme of such an uncustomed Legacie, but they all pawnde their vitious Golles to meete there, at the houre prefixt: and to confirme their resolution the more, each slipt downe his Stockin, baring his right Knee, and so began to drinke a Health, halfe as deepe as Mother Hubburds Celler: She that was calde in for selling her working Bottle-Ale to Booke-binders, and spurting the Froth upon Courtiers Noses. To conclude, I was their onely Captaine, (for so they pleasde to title mee) and so they all rizze, Poculis manibusque, applauding my newes: then the houre beeing more then once and once reiterated, we were all at our hands againe, and so departed. I could tell nowe, that I was in many a second House in the Cittie and Suburbs afterward, where my entertainment was not barren, nor my welcome Cheape or Ordinarie. And then howe I walkte in Powles to see fashions; to dive into villainous meetings, pernitious Plots, blacke Humours, and a Million of mischiefes, which are bred in that Cathedrall Wombe, and borne within lesse then forty weekes after. But some may object and say; What doth the Divell walke in Powles then? Why not, Sir, aswell as a Serjant, or a Ruffian, or a Murderer: may not the Divell I praye you walke in Powles Page 15 E1 as well as the Horse goe a toppe of Powles, for I am sure I was not farre from his Keeper. Puh, I doubt where there is no doubt, for there is no true Criticke indeede, that will carpe at the Divell. Now the Houre posted on-ward to accomplish the effects of my desire, to gorge every Vice full of poyson, that the soule might burst at the last, and vomit out her selfe uppon blew cakes of Brimstone. When returning home (for the purpose, in my Captaynes apparell of Buffe and Velvet) I strucke mine Hostesse into admiration at my proper appearance, for my Polt-foote was helpt out with Bumbast. A propertie which many worldings use, whose Toes are dead and rotten, and therefore so stuffe out their Shooes, like the corners of Wooll-Packes. Well, into my Tyring-house I went, where I had scarce shifted my selfe into the Apparell of my last Will and Testament, (which was the Habite of a covetous Barne-cracking Farmer) but all my Striptlings of Perdition, my Nephewes of Damnation: my Kindred and alliance of Villany and Sharking, were ready before the houre, to receive my Bottomlesse Blessing. When entring into a Countrey Night-Gowne, with a Cappe of sicknesse about my browes, I was led in betweene Pierce-Pennilesse, and his Hostesse, like a feeble Farmer, ready to depart England, and sayle to the Kingdome of Tartarie: who setting mee downe in a wicked Chaire, all my pernitious Kins-folkes round about mee, and the E1v Scrivener betweene my legges (for hee loves alwayes to sit in the Divells Cot-house) thus with a whay-countenance, short stoppes, and earthen-dampish voyce, the true Counterfets of a dying Cullian, I proceeded to the blacke Order of my Legacies. E2 The last Will and Testament of Lawrence Lucifer, the olde wealthy Bachiler of Limbo. Alias, Dicke Devil-Barne, the griping Farmer of Kent. In the Name of Bezle-bub, Amen. I Lawrence Lucifer, alias, Dicke Devil-Barne, sicke in soule but not in body, beeing in perfect health to wicked memorie: Doe constitute and Ordaine this my last Will and Testament Irrevocable, as long as the world shall be Page 16 trampled on by Villanie. Inprimis, I Lawrence Lucifer, bequeath my soule to Hell, and my bodie to the Earth, amongst you all, divide mee and share me equally, but with as much wrangling as you can, I pray: and it will be the better if you goe to Law for me. E2v As touching my worldly-wicked Goods, I give and bequeath them in most villanous order following. First, I constitute and Ordaine, Leiuetenant Frig-beard, Arch- Pander of England, my sole Heire, of all such Lands, Closes and Gappes, as lie within the Boundes of my gift: beside, I have certaine Houses, Tenements, and withdrawing Roomes in Shoreditch, Tunbold-streete, White-Fryers, and Westminster: which I freely give and bequeath to the aforesayde Leiutenant, and the base Heires truely begotte of his villanous body: with this Proviso, that hee sell none of the Land when hee lacks money; nor make away any of the Houses to impaire and weaken the Stocke, no not so much as to alter the propertie of any of them, which is to make them honest against their willes, but to traine and muster his wittes upon the Mile-ende of his Mazard, rather to fortifie the Territories of Tunbold-street, and enrich the Countie of Pickt-Hatch, with all his vitious Endevours: golden Enticements, and damnable Practises. And Leiutenant, thou must dive (as thou usest to doe) into Landed Novices, who have onely wit to be licorish and no more, that so their Tenants trotting up to London with their Quartridges, they may pay them the rent, but thou and thy Colledge shall receive the money. Let no yong rigle-eyde Damosell (if her years have strucke twelve once) be left unassaulted, but it must be thy Office to lay hard seige to her honestie: and to try E3 if the walles of her Mayden-head may be scaled with a ladder of Angells: for one Acre of such Wenches will bring in more at yeares ende, then an hundred Acres of the best harrowed Land betweene Detford and Dover: and take this for a Note by the way, you must never walke without your Dewce, or Dewce-Ace of Drabbes, after your Boote-heeles: for when you are abroad you know not what use you may have for them. And lastly (if you will be well feed by some riotous Gallant) you must practize, (as indeed you doe) to winde out a wanton Velvet-cap and Bodkin, from the tangles of her Shoppe, teaching her (you know how) to cast a Cuckolds Mist before the eyes of her Husband, which is, telling him, shee must Page 17 see her Coozen, new come to Towne: or that shee goes to a womans Labour: when thou knowest well ynough, shee goes to none but her owne: and being set out of the Shoppe, (with her man afore her, to quench the jealouzie of her Husband) shee by thy instructions shall turne the honest simple fellow off, at the next turning, and give him leave to see the merry Divell of Edmunton, or a Woman kild with kindnesse: when his Mistresse is going her selfe to the same murther. Thousand of such inventions, practizes and devices, I stuffe thy Trade withall: beside the luxurious meetings at Tavernes, ten pound suppers, and fifteene pound reckonings, made up afterwards with riotous Egges and Muscadine. All these female vomites, and adulterous Surfets, I give and bequeath to thee, which I hope thou wilt put in practize with all expedition, after E3v my decease: and to that ende, I ordaine thee wholy and solely, my onely absolute, excellent, villanous Heire. Item, I give and bequeath to you Gregory Gauntlet, high Thiefe on Horse-backe; all such summes of Money, that are nothing due to you, and to receive them in, whether the Parties bee willing to pay you or no. You neede not make many wordes with them, but onely these two: Stand, and Deliver; and therefore a true thiefe cannot chuse but be wise, because hee is a man of so very fewe words. I neede not instruct you, I thinke Gregorie, about the politicke searching of craftie Carryers Packes, or ripping up the bowells of wide Bootes, and Cloake-bagges, I doe not doubt but you have already exercised them all. But one thing I especially charge you of: the neglect of which makes many of your Religion tender their wine-pipes at Tyburne, at least three Monthes before their day: that if you chaunce to robbe a vertuous Townesman on Horse-backe, with his wife uppon a Pillion behinde him, you presently speake them faire to walke a Turne or two at one side, where binding them both together like Man and Wife, arme in arme very lovingly: Bee sure you tie them hard ynough, for feare they breake the bondes of Matrimonie, which if it should fall out so, the matter would lie sore uppon your Neckes the next Sessions after, because your negligent tying, was the E4 cause of that breach betweene them. Now, as for your Welch Hue and Crie (the onely Nette to catch Theeves in) I knowe you avoyde well ynough, because you can shift both your Beardes and your Townes well, but for your better disguising, henceforward I will fit you with Page 18 a Beard-maker of mine owne: One that makes all the false haires for my Divells, and all the Periwigges that are worne by olde Courtiers, who take it for a pride in their balde dayes to weare yallowe Curles on their Foreheads, when one may almost see the Sunne goe to bed through the chinkes of their faces. Moreover Gregorie, because I know thee toward ynough, and thy armes full of feates, I make thee Keeper of Come-Parke; Serjant of Salisburie-Plaine; Warden of the Standing-places; and lastly, Constable of all Heaths, Holes, High-wayes, and Conny-groves: hoping that thou wilt execute these Places and Offices as truely, as Dericke will execute his place and Office at Tyburne. Item, I give and bequeath to thee Dicke Dogge-man, Graund- Catchpole, (over and above thy bare-bone Fees, that will scarse hang wicked flesh on thy backe) all such Lurches, Gripes and Squeezes, as may bee wrung out by the fist of extortion. And because I take pittie on thee, wayting so long as thou usest to doe, ere thou canst land one E4v Fare at the Counter, watching sometimes ten houres together in an Ale-house, ever and anon peeping forth and sampling thy Nose with the red Lattis: let him whosoever that falls into thy Clutches at night, pay well for thy standing all day: And couzen Richard when thou hast caught him in the Moustrap of thy libertie with the cheese of thy office, the wire of thy hard fist being clapt downe upon his Shoulders, and the backe of his estate almost broken to pieces; then call thy cluster of fellow-vermins together, and sit in triumph with thy prisoner at the upper end of a Taverne table, where under the colour of showing him favour (as you tearme it) in waiting for Bayle, thou and thy Counter-liche, may swallow downe sixe Gallons of Charnico, and then begin to chafe that he makes you stay so long before Peter Bayle comes: And here it will not be amisse if you call in more wine-suckers, and damne as many Gallons againe; for you know your prisoners ransome will pay for all: this is if the partie be flush now, and would not have his credit copparde with a scurvey Counter. Another kinde of rest you have which is called Shoopenny, that is, when you will be paide for every stride you take: and if the Channell be dangerous and ruffe, you will not step over under a Noble: a very excellent Lurch to get up the price of your legs, betweene Powles-chaine and Ludgate. Page 19 But that which likes me beyond measure, is the villanous nature of that arrest which I may fitly tearme by the name of Cog-shoulder, when you clap F1 a both sides like old Rowse in Cornewell, and receive double Fee both from the Creditor and the Debter, swearing by the post of your office to shoulder-clap the party, the first time he lights upon the Limetwigs of your liberty, when for a little Usurers Oyle, you allowe him day by day free passage to walke by the wicked precinct of your Noses, and yet you will pimple your soules with oathes, till you make them as well favoured as your faces, and sweare he never came within the verge of your eyelids: nay more, if the Creditor were present to see him arrested on the one side, and the party you wot on, over the way at the other side, you have such quaint shifts, prety hindrances, and most Lawyer-like delayes ere you will set forward, that in the meane time he may make himselfe away in some by Alley, or rush into the Bowells of some Taverne, or drinking schoole; or if neither, you will find talke with some Sharke-shift by the way, and give him the markes of the partie, who will presently start before you, give the Debter Intelligence, and so a rotten Fig for the Catchpole. A most wittie, smooth, and damnable conveyance: many such running devices breede in the Reynes of your offices: beside I leave to speake of your unmercifull dragging a Gentleman through Fleet-streete, to the utter confusion of his white Feather, and the lamentable spattring of his Pearle-colour silke Stockins, especially when some sixe of your blacke Dogges of Newgate are uppon him at once. Therefore sweete cousen Richard (for you are the neerest kinsman I have) I F1v give and bequeath to you no more then you have already, for you are so well gorged and stuft with that, that one spoonefull of villanie more, would over-lay your stomacke quite, and I feare me make you kicke up all the rest. Item, I give and bequeath to you Benedick Bottomlesse, most deepe Cut-purse, all the benefite of Pageant-dayes, great Market-dayes, Ballat-places, but especially the Six-Pennt Roomes in Play-houses, to Cut, Dive, or Nim, with as much speede, Arte, and dexteritie, as may be handled by honest Rogues of thy qualitie. Nay, you shall not sticke Benedick, to give a shave of your Office at Powles Crosse in the Sermon time: but thou holdst it a thing thou mayst doe by law, to cut a Purse in Westminster Hall. True, Benedicke, if thou be sure the Lawe bee on that side thou cutst it on. Page 20 Item, I give and bequeath to you, old Bias, Alias, Humfrey Hollow-banke, true cheating Bowler, and Lurcher, the one halfe of all false Bettes, Cunning Hookes, subtill Tyes, and Crosse-layes, that are ventured upon the landing of your Bowle, and the safe arriving at the Haven of the Mistresse, if it chaunce to passe all the daungerous Rocks and Rubs of the Alley, and be not choackt in the sand, like a Merchants Ship, before it comes halfe way home, which is none of your fault (youle say and sweare) although in your owne turnde- conscience you know, that you threwe it above three yardes short out of hand, upon very set purpose. Moreover, Humfrey, I give you the lurching of all F2 yong Novices, Citizens sonnes, and Countrey Gentlemen, that are hookt in by the winning of one Twelve-penny Game at first, lost upon policy, to bee cheated of Twelve-pounds worth-a Bets afterward. And olde Bias, because thou art now and then smelt out for a Coosner, I would have thee sometimes goe disguisde (in honest apparell) and so drawing in amongst Bunglers and Ketlers, under the plaine Freeze of simplicitie, thou mayst finely couch the wrought-velvet of Knavery. Item, I give and bequeath to your Coosen German here, Francis Finger-false, Deputie of Dicing-houses, all cunning Lifts, Shifts, and Couches, that ever were, are, and shall be invented, from this houre of a Leven-clocke upon blacke Munday, untill it smite Twelve a clocke at Doomes-day: and this I know Francis, if you doe endevour to excell, as I know you doe, and will truely practize falsely, you may live more gallanter farre upon three Dice, then many of your foolish Heires about London, uppon thrice three hundred Acres. But turning my Legacie to you-ward, Barnaby Burning-glasse, Arch Tabacco-taker of England, in Ordinaryes, upon Stages both common and private, and lastly, in the Lodging of your Drabbe and Mistresse: I am not a little proud, I can tell you Barnaby, that you daunce after my Pipe so long: and for all Counterblasts and Tabacco-Nashes (which some call Raylers) you are not blowne away, nor your fierie thirst quencht with the small Penny-Ale of their F2v contradictions, but still suck that dug of damnation, with a long nipple, still burning that rare Phaenix of Phlegiton Tabacco, that from her ashes burnt and knockt out, may arise another pipefull: Therefore I give and bequeath unto thee, Page 21 a breath of all religions, save the true one, and tasting of all countries, save his owne: a brayne well sooted, where the Muses hang up in the smoake like red Herrings: and looke how the narrow alley of thy pipe showes in the inside, so shall all the pipes through thy body. Besides, I give and bequeath to thy lungs, as smooth as Jet, and just of the same colour, that when thou art closed in thy grave, the wormes may be consumed with them, and take them for blacke Puddings. Lastly, not least, I give and bequeath to thee Pierce- pennelesse, exceeding poore Scholler, that hath made cleane shooes in both Universities, and bene a pittifull Batler all thy life time, full often heard with this lamentable cry at the Buttry-hatch; Ho Lancelot, a Cewe of bread, and a Cewe of beere, never passing beyond the confines of a farthing, nor once munching commons, but onely upon Gaudy dayes: To thee most miserable Pierce, or pierced through and through with miserie, I bequeath the tythe of all Vaulting-Houses, the tenth deneere of each heigh passe come a loft: beside the playing in and out of all wenches at thy pleasure, which I know as thou maist use it, wil be such a fluent pension, that thou shalt never have need to write Supplication againe. Now for the especiall trust and confidence I have in F3 both you, Mihell Mony God Usurer, and Leonard Lavender Broker, or pawne-lender, I make you two my full Executors, to the true disposing of all these my hellish intents, wealthy villanies, and most pernicious damnable Legacies. And now kinsmen and friends, winde about me, my breath begins to coole, and all my powers to freese. And I can say no more to you Nephewes then I have saide, only this, I leave you all like Rats- bane to poyson the realme. And I pray, be all of you as arrant villaines as you can be, and so farewel, be all hangde, and come downe to me as soone as you can. This saide, he departed to his moulton kingdome, the winde risse, the bottome of the Chayre flew out, the Scrivener fell flat upon his nose, and here is the end of a harmelesse Morrall. FINIS. F3v [Epilogue] Page 22 Now Syr, what is your censure now? you have read me I am sure: am I blacke ynough think you, drest up in a lasting suite of Incke? Do I deserve my Darke and pitchy Tytle? Sticke I close ynough to a villaines Ribs? Is not Lucifer liberall to his Nephewes, in this his last Will and Testament? Meethinkes I heare you say-nothing: and therefore I know you are pleasde and agree to all: for Qui tacit consentire videtur: And I allow you Wise, and truly Judicious, because you keepe your Censure to your selfe. FINIS.