<< *168 TOM STOPPARD : JUMPERS . FABER & FABER , 1972 . FIRS
T PERFORMANCE : 020272 . CAST : 01 GEORGE , 02 DOROTHY , 03
ARCHIE , 04 BONES , 05 CROUCH , 06 SECRETARY , 07 JUMPERS ,
08 A DRUNK , 09 TV VOICE , 10 USHER , 11 ECHO , 12 SCOTT , 1
3 ARCHBISHOP CLEGTHORPE . >> $
#13 $
< THERE ARE THREE PLAYING AREAS , THE STUDY , THE BEDROOM ,
AND THE HALL . $
THERE IS ALSO A SCREEN , HOPEFULLY FORMING A BACKDROP TO THE
 WHOLE STAGE . $
FILM AND SLIDES ARE TO BE BACK-PROJECTED ON TO THIS SCREEN O
N A SCALE BIG ENOUGH TO ALLOW ACTORS AND FURNITURE TO MASK T
HE IMAGES WITHOUT SIGNIFICANTLY OBSCURING THEM . $
IT IS AN ESSENTIAL REQUIREMENT OF THE PLAY THAT THE BEDROOM
CAN BE BLACKED OUT COMPLETELY WHILE THE ACTION CONTINUES ELS
EWHERE . $
WHERE THIS CANNOT BE ACHIEVED BY LIGHTING ALONE , IT MIGHT B
E AN IDEA TO PUT THE BEDROOM IN A PERMANENT GAUZE BOX : BUT
RAISING AND LOWERING A GAUZE SCREEN IS NOT ENCOURAGED . $
ANOTHER POSSIBILITY , WHERE THE FACILITY EXISTS , WOULD BE T
O PUT THE BEDROOM ON A REVOLVE . $
FOR THE PURPOSE OF THE STAGE DIRECTIONS GIVEN HEREAFTER , I
AM ASSUMING THE FOLLOWING LAYOUT . $
THE FRONT DOOR IS UPSTAGE CENTRE . $
THE HALL IS RIGHT-ANGLED , A PASSAGE COMING DOWNSTAGE FROM T
HE FRONT DOOR TO THE FOOTLIGHTS , TURNING STAGE RIGHT ALONG
THE FRONT OF THE STAGE AND DISAPPEARING INTO THE WING AT DOW
NSTAGE RIGHT , WHERE IT LEADS TO UNSEEN KITCHEN , LIVING ROO
M , ETC . $
THE STUDY OCCUPIES THE WHOLE AREA STAGE LEFT OF THE HALL AND
 FRONT DOOR . $
THE BEDROOM OCCUPIES THE REST OF THE STAGE , I.E. , THE AREA
 INSIDE THE REVERSE-L-SHAPE OF THE HALL . $
THE APARTMENT BELONGS TO GEORGE , A PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILO
SOPHY , MARRIED TO A PREMATURELY-RETIRED MUSICAL-COMEDY ACTR
ESS OF SOME RENOWN , DOROTHY . $
THE GENERAL STANDARD OF LIVING SUGGESTED BY THE FLAT OWES MO
RE , ONE WOULD GUESS , TO MUSICAL COMEDY THAN MORAL PHILOSOP
HY , AND THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE OF THE BEDROOM WHICH IS LUS
HLY CARPETED AND INCLUDES AMONG ITS FURNISHINGS A TELEVISION
 SET REMOTELY-CONTROLLED BY AN ELECTRONIC PORTABLE SWITCH ;
A RECORD PLAYER ; TWO ELEGANT STRAIGHT-BACKED CHAIRS AND ONE
 COMFORTABLE UPHOLSTERED CHAIR ; A GLOBULAR GOLDFISH-BOWL CO
NTAINING ONE GOLDFISH ; AND A FOUR-POSTER BED WHICH CAN BE E
NCLOSED AT WILL BY THE DRAPES ADORNING ITS CORNERS . $
#14 $
THE EFFECT IS ELEGANT , FEMININE , EXPENSIVE . $
THE BEDROOM HAS TWO DOORS , ONE LEADING INTO THE WINGS AT ST
AGE LEFT ( THE UNSEEN BATHROOM ) , AND THE SECOND INTO THE H
ALL . $
THIS LATTER DOOR MUST BE STURDILY FIXED . $
IT OPENS INWARDS , THE HINGES UPSTAGE, SO THAT WHEN THIS DOO
R IS WIDE OPEN THE INSIDE OF IT IS HIDDEN FROM THE AUDIENCE
. $
THE ROOM ALSO HAS A FRENCH WINDOW , GUARDED ON THE EXTERIOR
BY A MOCK-BALCONY OR BALUSTRADE ; IT OVERLOOKS STREETS AND S
KY , FOR THE FLAT IS IN AN UPPER FLOOR OF BIG OLD-FASHIONED
BUT NEWLY REDECORATED AND CONVERTED MANSION . $
THE STUDY CONTAINS A DAY-BED AGAINST THE UPSTAGE WALL , BOOK
-SHELVES ABOVE THE BED , A DESK AND CHAIR FOR THE SECRETARY
, AND A BIGGER DESK FOR GEORGE PLACED AGAINST THE FOOTLIGHTS
 . $
ON THE WINGS-SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A TALL CUPBOARD OR WARDROBE
 , AND A SMALL WASH-BASIN WITH MIRROR . $
THE ROOM CONTAINS , SOMEWHERE , A TAPE-RECORDER ; A BOW AND
QUIVER OF ARROWS , TOGETHER WITH AN ARCHERY TARGET ABOUT A Y
ARD IN DIAMETER ; AN ELECTRIC TYPEWRITER FOR THE SECRETARY T
O USE ; A SMALLISH WOODEN BOX SUCH AS A SMALL TORTOISE MIGHT
 LIVE IN , AND A LARGE WOODEN BOX SUCH AS A RABBIT MIGHT LIV
E IN . $
THERE IS A DOOR INTO THE HALL . $
THE WINDOW WOULD BE IN THE FOURTH WALL , BUT NOT ABOVE THE D
ESK FOR THAT SPACE IS OCCUPIED BY A LARGE ( THOUGH IMAGINARY
 ) MIRROR . $
GEORGE'S DESK , WHEN WE DISCOVER IT , IS A CLUTTER OF BOOKS
AND MANUSCRIPT , AND A TUMBLER CONTAINING PENCILS . $
HOWEVER , NONE OF THE ABOVE IS VISIBLE FOR THE FIRST FEW MIN
UTES OF THE PLAY , FOR WHICH IS REQUIRED AN EMPTY SPACE ...
$
THE CHARACTERS $
GEORGE IS BETWEEN 40 AND 50 , AND STILL ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH TO
MAKE IT PERFECTLY PLAUSIBLE THAT HE SHOULD BE MARRIED TO DOT
TY WHO IS TEN TO FIFTEEN YEARS YOUNGER AND VERY BEAUTIFUL IN
DEED . $
ARCHIE IS A DANDY , AS OLD AS GEORGE OR OLDER . $
INSPECTOR BONES IS MIDDLE-AGED AND CARELESSLY DRESSED . $
CROUCH IS OLD AND SMALL AND A BIT STOOPED . $
THE SECRETARY IS YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE BUT POKER-FACED , ALMO
ST GRIM , EVEN ON HER FIRST APPEARANCE , IN WHICH SHE PERFOR
MS AS A STRIPPER . $
#15 $
THE JUMPERS ARE DRESSED IN YELLOW UNIFORMS - TRACKSUIT TROUS
ERS AND SINGLETS - AND ALTHOUGH THEY PASS MUSTER AT FIRST GL
ANCE , THEY ARE NOT AS UNIVERSALLY YOUTHFUL OR ATHLETIC-LOOK
ING AS ONE MIGHT EXPECT . > $
#16 $
#17 $
< ACT ONE > $
03 < ( UNSEEN ) > $
AND NOW , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN , ON THE OCCASION OF A MOMENT
OUS VICTORY AT THE POLLS , MAY I PRESENT YOUR HOSTESS AND MI
NE , MAKING A MOST WELCOME REAPPEARANCE , THE MUCH-MISSED ,
MUCH-LOVED STAR OF THE MUSICAL STAGE , THE INCOMPARABLE , MA
GNETIC DOROTHY MOORE ! $
< ( DOTTY ENTERS . $
MUCH APPLAUSE . ) > $
02 THANK YOU , THANK YOU FOR COMING . $
< ( MUSIC INTRODUCTION FOR ' SHINE ON HARVEST MOON ' . $
SHE DRIES . ) > $
AND NOW , MAKING A MOST WELCOME REAPPEARANCE , THE INCOMPARA
BLE , UNRELIABLE , NEUROTIC DOROTHY MOORE . $
< ( APPLAUSE . $
CHEERS . $
INTRODUCTION REPEATED . ) > $
HOW DOES IT BEGIN ? $
< ( GUESTS , OFFSTAGE , SING ' SHINE ON , SHINE ON HARVEST M
OON ' . ) > $
< ( SINGING , BUT GOING WRONG IMMEDIATELY . ) > $
I WANT TO SPOON TO MY HONEY I 'LL CROON LOVE 'S JUNE OR JULY
 . $
< ( BREAKS OFF . ) > $
NO I CAN'T . $
I 'M SORRY . $
< ( AND GOES ) > $
< ( DRUM ROLL ) > $
< CRIES OF DISAPPOINTMENT CHANGE TO CRIES OF DELIGHT . $
LIKE A PENDULUM BETWEEN DARKNESS AND DARKNESS , THE SECRETAR
Y SWINGS INTO THE SPOTLIGHT , AND OUT . $
SHE IS ON A SWING , MAKING AN ARC FROM WING TO WING , IN SIG
HT FOR A SECOND , OUT OF SIGHT FOR A SECOND , IN SIGHT FOR A
 SECOND , OUT OF SIGHT FOR A SECOND ... BACK AND FORTH . $
CHEERS . $
EACH TIME SHE REAPPEARS SHE HAS TAKEN OFF SOME CLOTHING . $
#18 $
GRATEFUL CHEERS . $
CROUCH ENTERS FROM SIDE , THE PORTER PRESSED INTO SERVICE TO
 SERVE DRINKS AT THE PARTY . $
HE WEARS A SHORT WHITE COAT AND CARRIES A ROUND TRAY BALANCE
D ON ONE HAND , DRINKS ON TRAY . $
HE IS GOING TO STRAY INTO THE LINE OF VISION . $
VOICES WARN HIM AWAY , GOOD-HUMOUREDLY . $
CROUCH DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON : EVERY TIME HE TURNS
DOWNSTAGE , THE SECRETARY IS IN VIEW BEHIND HIM , AND EVERY
TIME HE LOOKS UPSTAGE THE GAP IS EMPTY . > $
' MIND YOUR BACK ! ' $
' OUT THE WAY ! ' $
' LET THE DOG SEE THE RABBIT ! ' $
< CROUCH IS BEWILDERED . $
THE SECRETARY IS NEARING NAKEDNESS , OBSCURED . $
THE UNSEEN WATCHERS ARE NEARING HYSTERICAL FRUSTRATION . $
AT THE CLIMAX OF THEIR CRIES , CROUCH BACKS INTO THE PATH OF
THE SWING AND IS KNOCKED ARSE OVER TIP BY A NAKED LADY . $
BLACKOUT AND CRASH OF BROKEN GLASS . $
IMMEDIATELY > $
03 < ( ARCHIE'S VOICE ) > $
' AND NOW ! - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ! - THE INCREDIBLE - RADI
CAL ! - LIBERAL !! - JUMPERS !! ' $
< WHITE SPOT . $
MUSICAL INTRODUCTION . $
EIGHT JUMPERS ENTER JUMPING , TUMBLING , SOMERSAULTING , FOU
R FROM EACH SIDE OF THE STAGE : A NOT ESPECIALLY TALENTED TR
OUPE OF GYMNASTS POSSIBLY USING A TRAMPOLINE . $
DISCREET MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT . $
THEIR SEPARATE ENTRANCES CONVERGE TO FORM A TABLEAU OF MODES
T PRETENSION . ) > $
02 < ( ENTERING ) > $
THAT 'S NOT INCREDIBLE ... $
WELL , IS IT ? $
I CAN SING BETTER THAN THAT . $
I MEAN I CAN SING BETTER THAN THEY CAN JUMP . $
< ( DOTTY WANDERS ON TO THE STAGE IN FRONT OF THE NOW DISASS
EMBLING TABLEAU . $
HER BLONDE HAIR IS ELEGANTLY ' UP ' , HER WHITE DRESS IS LON
G AND BILLOWY ... SHE LOOKS FABULOUS , STUNNING . $
SHE FLAPS A HAND DISMISSIVELY AT THE JUMPERS . ) > $
< ( EQUABLY . ) > $
NO GOOD - YOU 'RE STILL CREDIBLE . $
< ( GENERALLY . ) > $
GET ME SOMEONE UNBELIEVABLE ! $
< ( GEORGE , HOLDING SHEETS OF PAPER , HAS ALREADY ENTERED B
EHIND HER , AND AS DOTTY TURNS ON HER LAST WORD SHE IS FACE
TO FACE WITH HIM , AND CONTINUES WITHOUT PAUSE . ) > $
#19 $
PROMPTNESS I LIKE . $
< ( GEORGE IS NOT DRESSED FOR A PARTY . $
FLANNELS AND SHABBY SMOKING JACKET , HAIR AWRY , HIS EXPRESS
ION AND MANNER SIGNIFYING REMONSTRANCE . $
THE JUMPERS PERSEVERE , DOGGEDLY HELPING EACH OTHER TO DO BA
CK-FLIPS , ETC . ) > $
I HAVE A COMPLAINT . $
THESE PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE INCREDIBLE AND I 'M NOT EVEN
 ASTONISHED . $
I AM NOT FAINTLY SURPRISED . $
IN FACT , NOT ONLY CAN I SING BETTER THAN THEY CAN JUMP ,  I
 CAN PROBABLY JUMP HIGHER THAN THEY CAN SING . $
01 FOR GOD'S SAKE . $
IT 'S AFTER TWO A.M. $
< ( SHE TURNS TO THE PRESUMED SOURCE OF MUSIC . ) > $
02 GIVE ME A C . $
< ( GEORGE GOES AS FAR AS TO TOUCH HER ARM . $
SHE TURNS ON HIM WITH SUDDEN OBLITERATING FURY . ) > $
IT 'S MY BLOODY PARTY , GEORGE ! $
< ( GEORGE LEAVES . ) > $
< ( A JUMPER FLIPS HIMSELF INTO A STANDING POSITION IN MID-S
TAGE . ) > $
< ( EQUABLE AGAIN . ) > $
I CAN DO THAT . $
< ( A SECOND JUMPER JOINS THE FIRST . ) > $
AND THAT . $
< ( A THIRD JUMPER LEAPS ON TO THE SHOULDERS OF THE FIRST TW
O . ) > $
I CAN'T DO THAT , BUT MY BELIEF IS UNSHAKEABLE , SO GET OFF
. $
< ( TO THE UNSEEN MUSICIANS . ) > $
I 'LL DO THE ONE ABOUT THE MOON . $
I 'M SURE YOU KNOW IT . $
< ( A WORD ABOUT DOTTY'S SONG . $
THE MUSICIANS ATTEMPT TO FOLLOW HER BUT ARE THWARTED BY HER
INABILITY TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN ONE MOON-SONG AND ANOTHER ,
 AND BY HER HABIT OF SINGING THE WORDS OF ONE TO THE TUNE OG
F ANOTHER . $
THE MUSIC GAMELY KEEPS SWITCHING TRACKS , BUT DOTTY KEEPS DO
UBLE-CROSSING IT . ) > $
< ( SINGS ) > $
SHINE ON , SHINE ON , HARVEST MOON I WANT TO SPOON TO MY HON
EY I 'LL CROON LOVE 'S JUNE OR JULY - $
- NO , THAT 'S NOT IT - $
< ( SINGS ) > $
SHINE ON , SHINE ON SILVERY MOON I USED TO SIGH IN JUNE OR J
ULY HOW HIGH THE - $
#20 $
- NO , YOU 'VE GONEWRONG AGAIN - $
< ( SINGS ) > $
MOON , YOU SAW ME STANDING ALONE - $
< ( THE LAST SIX WORDS HAVE FORTUITOUSLY COMBINED THE WORDS
AND TUNE OF ' BLUE MOON ' . ) > $
THAT 'S IT , THAT 'S IT ! $
< ( NOW CONFIDENT , SHE STARTS TO PLAY THE CHANTEUSE , STROL
LING IN AND OUT AMONG THE DOGGED JUMPERS , MOVING UPSTAGE OF
 THEM AND TURNING . ) > $
< ( SINGS . ) > $
BLUE MOON YOU SAW ME STANDING ALONE WITHOUT A DREAM IN MY HE
ART IT MUST HAVE BEEN MOONGLOW WAY UP IN THE BLUE MOON YOU S
AW ME STANDING - $
NO , NO - $
< ( SHOUTS AT JUMPERS . ) > $
ALL RIGHT , I BELIEVE YOU ! - YOU 'RE INCREDIBLE ! $
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER SONG . $
< ( FROM NOW UNTIL THEIR ACT IS TERMINATED BY EVENTS , THE J
UMPERS ARE ASSEMBLING THEMSELVES INTO A HUMAN PYRAMID COMPOS
ED THUS : SIX JUMPERS IN THREE-TWO-ONE FORMATION , FLANKED B
Y THE OTHER TWO STANDING ON THEIR HANDS AT THE PYRAMID'S BAS
E . $
WHEN THE PYRAMID IS COMPLETE IT HIDES DOTTY FROM VIEW . ) >
$
< ( SINGS ) > $
YOU SAW ME STANDING IN JUNE JANUARY , ALLEGHENY MOON OR JULY
- $
< ( JEERS ) > $
JUMPERS I 'VE HAD - YELLOW , I 'VE HAD THEM ALL ] $
INCREDIBLE , BARELY CREDIBLE , CREDIBLE AND ALL TOO BLOODY L
IKELY - $
WHEN I SAY JUMP , JUMP ] $
< ( FROM HER TONE NOW IT SHOULD BE APPARENT THAT DOTTY , WHO
MAY HAVE APPEARED PLEASANTLY DRUNK , IS ACTUALLY BREAKING UP
 MENTALLY . $
AND FROM HER POSITION IN THE NEAR-DARK OUTSIDE THE JUMPERS'
LIGHT , IT SHOULD BE POSSIBLE TO BELIEVE THAT DOTTY IS RESPO
NSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS NEXT - WHICH IS : $
#21 $
A GUN SHOT . $
ONE JUMPER , BOTTOM ROW , SECOND FROM LEFT , IS BLOWN OUT OF
 THE PYRAMID . $
HE FALLS DOWNSTAGE , LEAVING THE REST OF THE PYRAMID INTACT
. $
THE MUSIC HAS STOPPED . $
DOTTY , CHANTEUSE , WALKS THROUGH THE GAP IN THE PYRAMID . )
 > $
< ( THE SHOT JUMPER IS AT HER FEET . $
HE STARTS TO MOVE , DYING , PULLING HIMSELF UP AGAINST DOTTY
'S LEGS . $
SHE LOOKS AT HIM IN SURPRISE AS HE CRAWLS UP HER BODY . $
HIS BLOOD IS ON HER DRESS . $
SHE HOLDS HIM UNDER HIS ARMS , AND LOOKS AROUND IN A BEWILDE
RED WAY . $
SHE WHIMPERS . ) > $
ARCHIE ... $
< ( THE PYRAMID HAS BEEN DEFYING GRAVITY FOR THESE FEW SECON
DS . $
NOW IT SLOWLY COLLAPSES INTO THE DARK , IMPLODING ON THE MIS
SING PART , AND ROLLING AND SEPARATING , OUT OF SIGHT , LEAV
ING ONLY THE WHITE SPOT . $
DOTTY DOES NOT MOVE , HOLDING THE JUMPER . ) > $
03 < ( VOICE ONLY ) > $
... $
< ( THE PARTY HUBBUB COMES BACK , AT A HIGHER PITCH . ) > $
QUIET PLEASE ... $
THE PARTY IS OVER ... $
... $
08 < ( SINGS ) > $
IT 'S TIME TO CALL IT A DAY ... $
< ( THIS SETS OFF A RIPPLE OF APPLAUSE AND CHEERS . $
THE PARTY NOISE DIES TO SILENCE . $
THE LIGHT CONTRACTS TO A SPOT ON DOTTY AND THE JUMPER , EERI
LY . $
FROZEN TIME . $
DOTTY STILL HAS NOT MOVED . ) > $
02 ARCHIE ... $
03 < ( OFF ) > $
OH DEAR ! $
02 ARCHIE ... $
03 < ( OFF ) > $
JUST KEEP HIM OUT OF SIGHT TILL MORNING . $
I 'LL BE BACK . $
02 ARCHIE ... $
03 < ( OFF ) > $
HUSH ... I 'LL BE BACK AT EIGHT O'CLOCK . $
< ( AROUND HER , THE FLAT ASSEMBLES ITSELF , BEDROOM , STUDY
 , HALL . $
THE WHITE SPOT REMAINS - ON THE SCREEN NOW : BUT IT IS CHANG
ING IN CHARACTER , AND BECOMES A MAP OF THE MOON PHOTOGRAPHE
D FROM A SATELLITE ... THE FAMILIAR PITTED CIRCLE . $
AT THE SAME TIME IS HEARD THE LOW TONE OF THE TELEVISION VOI
CE , TOO LOW TO ADMIT COMPREHENSION . $
THE PICTURE CHANGES TO A CLOSE UP OF THE MOON'S SURFACE . $
#22 $
WE ARE WATCHING A TELEVISION PROGRAMME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT
HAS HAPPENED ON THE MOON . $
THE PICTURE CHANGES SEVERAL TIMES - AN ASTRONAUT , A ROCKET
, A MOON-VEHICLE , ETC . $
THE TELEVISION SET IN THE BEDROOM IS ON . $
DOTTY IS STANDING IN THE BEDROOM . $
SHE HASN'T MOVED AT ALL . $
SHE IS DRESSED IN A BLOOD-STAINED PARTY-FROCK , HOLDING UP A
 CORPSE DRESSED IN YELLOW TROUSERS AND SINGLET . $
SHE IS COMPOSED , LOOKING ABOUT HER , CLEARLY TRYING TO DECI
DE WHAT TO DO WITH THE BODY . $
IN THE STUDY , GEORGE IS WORKING AT THE DESK , ADDING TO A P
ILE OF MANUSCRIPT . $
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS . $
CROUCH ENTERS , USING A MASTER KEY . $
HE IS NOT WEARING THE WHITE COAT NOW , BUT A GREY OVERALL AS
 WORN BY JANITORS . $
HE IS LIMPING SLIGHTLY . $
HE IS SINGING QUIETLY TO HIMSELF ... $
' GONNA MAKE A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY ... GONNA PUT MY HEART AT
 EASE ... GONNA TAKE A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY ... ' $
DOTTY HAS HEARD HIM . $
SHE TURNS DOWN THE SOUND OF THE TV , USING THE REMOTE CONTRO
L DEVICE . ) > $
02 DARLING ! $
... $
05 IT 'S CROUCH , MADAM . $
< CROUCH CONTINUES AND EXITS TO KITCHEN . $
DOTTY SITS DOWN ON THE BED , THE CORPSE SLUMPED OVER HER KNE
ES . $
SHE GLANCES AT THE TV . $
SHE TURNS UP THE VOLUME . ) > $
09 - IN A TIGHT SPOT . $
AND SO IN THE CRIPPLED SPACE CAPSULE , CAPTAIN SCOTT IS ON H
IS WAY BACK TO EARTH , THE FIRST ENGLISHMAN TO REACH THE MOO
N , BUT HIS TRIUMPH WILL BE OVERSHADOWED BY THE MEMORY OF AS
TRONAUT OATES , A TINY RECEDING FIGURE WAVING FORLORNLY FROM
 THE FEATURELESS WASTES OF THE LUNAR LANDSCAPE . $
< ( DOTTY CHANGES THE CHANNEL . $
ON THE SCREEN : A BIG PROCESSION IN THE STREETS OF LONDON ,
MILITARY IN TONE ( BRASS BAND MUSIC ) BUT CELEBRATORY : FOR
FIVE SECONDS . $
DOTTY CHANGES THE CHANNEL . $
A COMMERCIAL : FOR THREE SECONDS . $
DOTTY CHANGES THE CHANNEL . $
#23 $
THE MOON PROGRAMME AGAIN . ) > $
- WHICH FOLLOWED THE DISCOVERY THAT THE DAMAGE ON IMPACT HAD
 SEVERELY REDUCED THE THRUST OF THE ROCKETS THAT ARE FIRED F
OR TAKE-OFF . $
MILLIONS OF VIEWERS SAW THE TWO ASTRONAUTS STRUGGLING AT THE
 FOOT OF THE LADDER UNTIL OATES WAS KNOCKED TO THE GROUND BY
 HIS COMMANDING OFFICER ... $
CAPTAIN SCOTT HAS MAINTAINED RADIO SILENCE SINCE PULLING UP
THE LADDER AND CLOSING THE HATCH WITH THE REMARK , ' I AM GO
ING UP NOW . $
I MAY BE GONE FOR SOME TIME . ' $
< ( DOTTY CHANGES CHANNEL . $
THE PROCESSION ON SCREEN . $
MILITARY MUSIC . $
SHE LOOKS GLOOMILY , HELPLESSLY AT THE CORPSE . $
SHE NOTES THE BLOOD ON HER DRESS . $
SHE TAKES THE DRESS OFF . $
CROUCH ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN , CARRYING A BIN OF RUBBISH A
ND SEVERAL EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES . $
DOTTY HEARS THE KITCHEN DOOR . $
SHE TURNS THE TV SOUND DOWN LOW . ) > $
02 WHAT TIME IS IT , CROUCH ? $
05 NEARLY NINE O'CLOCK , MADAM . $
< ( CROUCH LEAVES BY THE FRONT DOOR AS THE SECRETARY ENTERS
. $
THE SECRETARY HURRIES IN , IN THE ACT OF TAKING OFF HER OVER
COAT AND HAT . $
CROUCH LETS HIMSELF OUT , CLOSING THE FRONT DOOR . $
THE SECRETARY ENTERS THE STUDY , CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER
, HANGS UP HER HAT AND COAT ON A HOOK ON THE DOWNSTAGE SIDE
OF THE WARDROBE , SITS DOWN AT HER DESK , AND ARRANGES HER N
OTEBOOK AND PENCIL . $
GEORGE HAS CONTINUED TO WRITE WITHOUT LOOKING UP . ) > $
02 < ( VERY QUIETLY ) > $
HELP ! $
< ( SLIGHTLY LOUDER . ) > $
HELP ! $
< ( GEORGE LOOKS UP AND STARES THOUGHTFULLY AT THE AUDIENCE
( INTO THE MIRROR ) . $
HE LOOKS DOWN AGAIN AND CONTINUES TO WRITE . $
THE BEDROOM BLACKS OUT . $
GEORGE STOPS WRITING , GETS TO HIS FEET . $
HIS SYSTEM - FOR PREPARING LECTURES - IS TO SCRAWL THEM OVER
 MANY PIECES OF PAPER , WHICH HE THEN DICTATES TO THE SECRET
ARY WHO WILL TYPE THEM OUT . $
IN DICTATING , GEORGE PREFERS TO ADDRESS THE LARGE MIRROR IN
 THE FOURTH WALL . $
HE DOES NOT TAKE MUCH NOTICE OF THE SECRETARY . $
GEORGE NOW COLLECTS THE PAGES INTO A TIDY SHEAF , TAKES A PA
CE BACK FROM THE MIRROR , ASSUMES A SUITABLE STANCE , AND TA
KES IT FROM THE TOP ... ) > $
#24 $
... $
01 SECONDLY ! $
... $
< ( HE HAS AMBUSHED HIMSELF . $
HE LOOKS AROUND AND RETRIEVES THE MISSING SHEET FROM BEHIND
HIS DESK . ) > $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
HELP ! $
< ( GEORGE TAKES UP HIS STANCE ANEW . ) > $
01 TO BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING - $
02 < ( OFF . $
PANIC ) > $
HELP ! $
MURDER ! $
< ( GEORGE THROWS HIS MANUSCRIPT ON TO THE DESK AND MARCHES
ANGRILY TO THE DOOR . ) > $
< ( OFF . ) > $
OH , HORROR , HORROR , HORROR ! $
CONFUSION NOW HATH MADE ITS MASTERPIECE ... MOST SACRILIGIOU
S MURDER ! - $
< ( DIFFERENT VOICE . ) > $
WOE , ALAS ! $
WHAT , IN OUR HOUSE ? $
< ( GEORGE , WITH HIS HAND ON THE DOOR HANDLE , PAUSES . $
HE RETURNS TO HIS DESK AND PICKS UP HIS PAPERS . ) > $
01 TO BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING : IS GOD ? $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
I PREFER TO PUT THE QUESTION IN THIS FORM BECAUSE TO ASK , '
 DOES GOD EXIST ? ' APPEARS TO PRESUPPOSE THE EXISTENCE OF A
 GOD WHO MAY NOT , AND I DO NOT PROPOSE THIS LATE EVENING TO
 FOLLOW MY FRIEND RUSSELL , THIS EVENING TO FOLLOW MY LATE F
RIEND RUSSELL , TO FOLLOW MY GOOD FRIEND THE LATE LORD RUSSE
LL , NECROPHILIAC RUBBISH ! , TO BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING : IS
 GOD ? $
< ( HE PONDERS A MOMENT . ) > $
TO ASK , ' IS GOD ? ' APPEARS TO PRESUPPOSE A BEING WHO PERH
APS ISN'T  ... AND THUS IS OPEN TO THE SAME OBJECTION AS THE
 QUESTION , ' DOES GOD EXIST ? ' ... BUT UNTIL THE DIFFICULT
Y IS POINTED OUT IT DOES NOT HAVE THE SAME PROPENSITY TO CON
FUSE LANGUAGE WITH MEANING AND TO CONJURE UP A GOD WHO MAY H
AVE ANY NUMBER OF PREDICATES INCLUDING OMNISCIENCE , PERFECT
ION AND FOUR-WHEEL-DRIVE BUT NOT , AS IT HAPPENS , EXISTENCE
 . $
THIS CONFUSION , WHICH INDICATES ONLY THAT LANGUAGE IS AN AP
PROXIMATION OF MEANING AND NOT A LOGICAL SYMBOLISM FOR IT ,
BEGAN WITH PLATO AND WAS NOT ENDED BY BERTRAND RUSSELL'S THE
ORY THAT EXISTENCE COULD ONLY BE ASSERTED OF DESCRIPTIONS AN
D NOT OF INDIVIDUALS , BUT I DO NOT PROPOSE THIS EVENING TO
FOLLOW INTO THE THEORY OF DESCRIPTIONS MY VERY OLD FRIEND -
NOW DEAD , OF COURSE - ACH ! - TO FOLLOW INTO THE THEORY OF
DESCRIPTIONS , THE LATE LORD RUSSELL - ! $
#25 $
< ( HE CONTINUES SMOOTHLY , IMPROVISING OFF-SCRIPT . ) > $
- IF I MAY SO REFER TO AN OLD FRIEND FOR WHOM PUNCTUALITY WA
S NO LESS A PREDICATE THAN EXISTENCE , AND A GOOD DEAL MORE
SO , HE WOULD HAVE HAD US BELIEVE , THOUGH WHY WE SHOULD BEL
IEVE THAT EXISTENCE COULD BE ASSERTED OF THE AUTHOR OF ' PRI
NCIPIA MATHEMATICA ' BUT NOT OF BERTRAND RUSSELL , HE NEVER
HAD TIME , DESPITE HIS PUNCTUALITY , NOT TO MENTION HIS EXIS
TENCE , TO EXPLAIN , VERY GOOD , KEEP TO THE POINT , TO BEGI
N AT THE BEGINNING : IS GOD ? $
< ( TO SECRETARY . ) > $
LEAVE A SPACE . $
SECONDLY ! $
A SMALL NUMBER OF MEN , BY THE EXERCISE OF THEIR INTELLECTS
AND BY THE STUDY OF THE WORKS BOTH OF NATURE AND OF OTHER IN
TELLECTS BEFORE THEM , HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ARGUE COHERENTLY AG
AINST THE EXISTENCE OF GOD , $
A MUCH LARGER NUMBER OF MEN , BY THE EXERCISE OF THEIR EMOTI
ONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL STATES , HAVE AFFIRMED THAT THIS IS T
HE CORRECT VIEW . $
THIS VIEW DERIVES PARTLY FROM WHAT IS KNOWN AS COMMON SENSE
, WHOSE VIRTUE , UNIQUELY AMONG VIRTUES , IS THAT EVERYBODY
HAS IT , AND PARTLY FROM THE MOUNTING IMPLAUSIBILITY OF A TE
CHNOLOGICAL AGE AS HAVING DIVINE ORIGINS - FOR WHILE A MAN M
IGHT BELIEVE THAT THE PROVIDENCE OF SHEEP'S WOOL WAS MADE IN
 HEAVEN , HE FINDS IT HARDER TO BELIEVE THE SAME OF TERYLENE
 MIXTURE . $
< ( HE LEANS INTO THE MIRROR INTENTLY . ) > $
WELL , THE TIDE IS RUNNING HIS WAY , AND IT IS A  TIDE  WHIC
H HAS TURNED ONLY ONCE IN HUMAN HISTORY ... $
THERE IS PRESUMABLY A CALENDAR DATE - A MOMENT - WHEN THE ON
US OF PROOF PASSED FROM THE ATHEIST TO THE BELIEVER , WHEN ,
 QUITE SUDDENLY , SECRETLY , THE NOES HAD IT . $
< ( AND SQUEEZES A BLACKHEAD IN THE IMAGINARY MIRROR . $
THEN HE STRAIGHTENS UP AND IS THE LECTURER AGAIN . ) > $
IT IS NOW NEARLY FIFTY YEARS SINCE PROFESSOR RAMSAY DESCRIBE
D THEOLOGY AND ETHICS AS TWO SUBJECTS WITHOUT AN OBJECT , AN
D YET , AS THOUGH TO DEFY REASON , AS THOUGH TO FLAUNT A DIV
INE INDESTRUCTIBILITY , THE QUESTION WILL NOT GO AWAY : IS G
OD ? $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
RAPE ! $
01 AND THEN AGAIN , I SOMETIMES WONDER WHETHER THE QUESTION
OUGHT NOT TO BE , ' ARE GOD ? ' $
BECAUSE IT IS TO ACCOUNT FOR TWO QUITE UNCONNECTED MYSTERIES
THAT THE HUMAN MIND LOOKS BEYOND HUMANITY AND IT IS TWO OF H
IM THAT PHILOSOPHY OBLIGINGLY PROVIDES . $
#26 $
THERE IS , FIRST , THE GOD OF CREATION TO ACCOUNT FOR EXISTE
NCE , AND , SECOND , THE GOD OF GOODNESS TO ACCOUNT FOR MORA
L VALUES . $
I SAY THEY ARE UNCONNECTED BECAUSE THERE IS NO LOGICAL REASO
N WHY THE FOUNTAINHEAD OF GOODNESS IN THE UNIVERSE SHOULD HA
VE NECESSARILY CREATED THE UNIVERSE IN THE FIRST PLACE ; NOR
 IS IT NECESSARY , ON THE OTHER HAND , THAT A CREATOR SHOULD
 CARE TUPPENCE ABOUT THE BEHAVIOUR OF HIS CREATIONS . $
STILL , AT LEAST IN THE JUDAEO-CHRISTIAN TRADITION , NOTHING
 IS HEARD EITHER OF A GOD WHO CREATED THE UNIVERSE AND THEN
WASHED HIS HANDS OF IT , OR , ALTERNATIVELY , A GOD WHO MERE
LY TOOK A COMPARATIVELY RECENT INTEREST IN THE CHANCE PRODUC
T OF UNIVERSAL GASES . $
IN PRACTICE , PEOPLE ADMIT A CREATOR TO GIVE AUTHORITY TO MO
RAL VALUES , AND ADMIT MORAL VALUES TO GIVE POINT TO THE CRE
ATION . $
BUT WHEN WE PLACE THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WITHIN THE DISCIPLINE
 OF A PHILOSOPHICAL INQUIRY , WE FIND THESE TWO INDEPENDENT
MYSTERIES : THE HOW AND THE WHY OF THE OVERWHELMING QUESTION
 : - $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
IS ANYBODY THERE ? $
01 < ( PAUSE . ) > $
PERHAPS ALL MYSTICAL EXPERIENCE IS A FORM OF COINCIDENCE . $
OR VICE VERSA , OF COURSE . $
< ( DOTTY SCREAMS . $
IT SOUNDS IN EARNEST . $
OF COURSE , NOTHING CAN BE SEEN . ) > $
< ( MURMURS . ) > $
WOLF ... $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
WOLVES ! $
- LOOK OUT ] $
< ( GEORGE THROWS HIS MANUSCRIPT DOWN FURIOUSLY . ) > $
< ( OFF . ) > $
MURDER - $
RAPE - $
WOLVES ] $
< ( GEORGE OPENS HIS DOOR AND SHOUTS AT THE ENCLOSED BEDROOM
 DOOR . ) > $
01 DOROTHY , I WILL NOT HAVE MY WORK INTERRUPTED BY THESE GR
ATUITOUS ACTS OF LUPINE DELINQUENCY ! $
< ( THE PROCESSION MUSIC , WHICH HAD BEEN ALLOWED TO FADE OU
T , IS BROUGHT UP BY THE OPENING OF THE STUDY DOOR . ) > $
AND TURN THAT THING DOWN ! $
- YOU ARE DELIBERATELY FEIGNING AN INTEREST IN BRASS BAND MU
SIC TO DISTRACT ME FROM MY LECTURE ! $
< ( HE CLOSES HIS DOOR , AND FROM BEHIND IT PRODUCES A QUIVE
R OF ARROWS AND A BOW . $
THESE HE BRINGS DOWNSTAGE AND PLACES THEM ON HIS DESK . ) >
 $
#27 $
< ( PLEASANTLY . ) > $
DOES , FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT , GOD , SO TO SPEAK , EXIST
? $
< ( HE RETURNS UPSTAGE AND FINDS AN ARCHERY TARGET , WHICH H
E LEANS UP AGAINST THE UPSTAGE BOOKCASE , RESTING ON THE DAY
-BED . ) > $
< ( TO MIRROR . ) > $
MY METHOD OF INQUIRY THIS EVENING INTO CERTAIN ASPECTS OF TH
IS HARDLY PERENNIAL MAY STRIKE SOME OF YOU AS OVERLY ENGAGIN
G , BUT EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME THAT TO ATTEMPT TO SUSTAIN
 THE ATTENTION OF RIVAL SCHOOLS OF ACADEMICS BY ARGUMENT ALO
NE IS TANTAMOUNT TO CONSTRUCTING A GOTHIC ARCH OUT OF JUNKET
 . $
< ( HE EXTRACTS AN ARROW FROM THE QUIVER . ) > $
PUTTING ASIDE THE GOD OF GOODNESS , TO WHOM WE WILL RETURN ,
 AND TAKING FIRST THE GOD OF CREATION - OR TO GIVE HIM HIS C
HIEF PHILOSOPHICAL RAISON D' ETRE , THE FIRST CAUSE - WE SEE
 THAT A SUPERNATURAL OR DIVINE ORIGIN IS THE LOGICAL CONSEQU
ENCE OF THE ASSUMPTION THAT ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER , AND
 THAT THIS SERIES MUST HAVE HAD A FIRST TERM ; THAT , IF YOU
 LIKE , THOUGH CHICKENS AND EGGS MAY ALTERNATE BACK THROUGH
 MILLENNIA , ULTIMATELY , WE ARRIVE AT SOMETHING WHICH , WHI
LE PERHAPS NO LONGER RESEMBLING EITHER A CHICKEN OR AN EGG ,
 IS NEVERTHELESS THE FIRST TERM OF THAT SERIES AND CAN ITSEL
F ONLY BE ATTRIBUTED TO A FIRST CAUSE - OR TO GIVE IT ITS TH
EOLOGICAL SOUBRIQUET , GOD . $
HOW WELL FOUNDED IS SUCH AN ASSUMPTION ? $
COULD IT BE , FOR INSTANCE , THAT CHICKENS AND EGGS HAVE BEE
N SUCCEEDING EACH OTHER IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER LITERALLY FOR
 EVER ? $
MY OLD FRIEND - $
MATHEMATICIANS ARE QUICK TO POINT OUT THAT THEY ARE FAMILIAR
 WITH MANY SERIES WHICH HAVE NO FIRST TERM - SUCH AS THE SER
IES OF PROPER FRACTIONS BETWEEN NOUGHT AND ONE . $
WHAT , THEY ASK IS THE FIRST , THAT IS THE SMALLEST , OF THE
SE FRACTIONS ? $
A BILLIONTH ? $
A TRILLIONTH ? $
OBVIOUSLY NOT : CANTOR'S PROOF THAT THERE IS NO GREATEST NUM
BER ENSURES THAT THERE IS NO SMALLEST FRACTION . $
THERE IS NO BEGINNING . $
< ( WITH A CERTAIN RELISH HE NOTCHES HIS ARROW INTO THE BOWS
TRING . ) > $
BUT IT WAS PRECISELY THIS NOTION OF INFINITE SERIES WHICH IN
 THE SIXTH CENTURY BC LED THE GREEK PHILOSOPHER ZENO TO CONC
LUDE THAT SINCE AN ARROW SHOT TOWARDS A TARGET FIRST HAD TO
COVER HALF THE DISTANCE , AND THEN HALF THE REMAINDER , AND
THEN HALF THE REMAINDER AFTER THAT , AND SO ON AD INFINITUM
, THE RESULT WAS , AS I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE , THAT THOUGH A
N ARROW IS ALWAYS APPROACHING ITS TARGET IT NEVER QUITE GETS
 THERE , AND SAINT SEBASTIAN DIED OF FRIGHT . $
#28 $
< ( HE IS ABOUT TO FIRE THE ARROW , BUT CHANGES HIS MIND , A
ND TURNS BACK TO THE MIRROR . ) > $
FURTHERMORE , BY A SIMILAR ARGUMENT HE SHOWED THAT BEFORE RE
ACHING THE HALF-WAY POINT , THE ARROW HAD TO REACH THE QUART
ER-MARK , AND BEFORE THAT THE EIGHTH, AND BEFORE THAT THE SI
XTEENTH , AND SO ON , WITH THE RESULT , REMEMBERING CANTOR'S
 PROOF , THAT THE ARROW COULD NOT MOVE AT ALL ! $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
FIRE ! $
< ( GEORGE FIRES , STARTLED BEFORE HE WAS READY , AND THE AR
ROW DISAPPEARS OVER THE TOP OF THE WARDROBE . ) > $
HELP - RESCUE - FIRE ! $
01 < ( SHOUTS FURIOUSLY ) > $
WILL YOU STOP THIS CHILDISH NONSENSE ! $
THANKS TO YOU I HAVE LOST THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE ! $
< ( HE TOSSES THE BOW AWAY , TRIES TO PEER ON TIPTOE OVER TH
E WARDROBE , WHICH IS TOO HIGH , AND DESISTS . $
HE PICKS UP HIS SCRIPT , AND THEN PUTS IT DOWN AGAIN , AND S
ITS ON THE CORNER OF HIS DESK , ONE LEG SWINGING , ARMS FOLD
ED . $
HE NOTICES THAT HIS SOCKS DO NOT MATCH . $
THE SECRETARY , UNRUFFLED , WAITS PATIENTLY , HER PENCIL IS
POISED . $
( IT MAY AS WELL BE STATED NOW THAT SHE NEVER SPEAKS . ) > $
< ( SUBDUED AT FIRST ) > $
LOOK . $
... CONSIDER MY LEFT SOCK . $
MY LEFT SOCK EXISTS BUT IT NEED NOT HAVE DONE SO . $
IT IS , WE SAY , NOT NECESSARY , BUT CONTINGENT . $
WHY DOES MY SOCK EXIST ? $
BECAUSE A SOCK-MAKER MADE IT , IN ONE SENSE ; BECAUSE , IN A
NOTHER , AT SOME POINT PREVIOUSLY , THE CONCEPTION OF A SOCK
ARRIVED IN THE HUMAN BRAIN ; TO KEEP MY FOOT WARM IN A THIRD
 , TO MAKE A PROFIT IN A FOURTH . $
THERE IS REASON AND THERE IS CAUSE AND THERE IS THE QUESTION
 , WHO MADE THE SOCK-MAKER'S MAKER ? $
ETCETERA , VERY WELL , NEXT ! SEE , SEE , I MOVE MY FOOT WHI
CH MOVES MY SOCK . $
< ( WALKS . ) > $
I AND MY FOOT AND MY SOCK ALL MOVE ROUND THE ROOM , WHICH MO
VES ROUND THE SUN , WHICH ALSO MOVES , AS ARISTOTLE SAID , T
HOUGH NOT ROUND THE EARTH , HE WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT . $
THERE IS REASON AND THERE IS CAUSE AND THERE IS MOTION , EAC
H IN INFINITE REGRESS TOWARDS A MOMENT OF ORIGIN AND A POINT
 OF ULTIMATE REFERENCE - AND ONE DAY ! - AS WE STARE INTO TH
E FIRE AT THE MOUTH OF OUR CAVE , SUDDENLY ! IN AN INSTANT O
F GRATEFUL TERROR , WE GET IT ! - THE ONE AND ONLY , SUFFICI
ENT UNTO HIMSELF , OUTSIDE THE ACTION , UNIQUELY IMMOBILE !
- THE NECESSARY BEING , THE FIRST CAUSE , THE UNMOVED MOVER
! ! $
#29 $
< ( HE TAKES A CLIMACTIC DRINK FROM HIS TUMBLER , WHICH HOWE
VER CONTAINS ONLY PENCILS . $
HE PUTS THE TUMBLER DOWN , LEAVING A PENCIL IN HIS MOUTH . )
 > $
< ( INDISTINCTLY ) > $
ST THOMAS AQUINAS ... $
< ( HE DROPS THE PENCIL BACK INTO THE TUMBLER . ) > $
< ( QUIETLY ) > $
OF THE FIVE PROOFS OF GOD'S EXISTENCE PUT FORWARD BY ST THOM
AS AQUINAS , THREE DEPENDED ON THE SIMPLE IDEA THAT IF AN AP
PARENTLY ENDLESS LINE OF DOMINOES IS KNOCKING ITSELF OVER ON
E BY ONE THEN SOMEWHERE THERE IS A DOMINO WHICH WAS NUDGED .
 $
AND AS REGARDS DOMINOES , I HAVEN'T GOT ANY FURTHER THAN ST
THOMAS . $
< ( THE MUSIC FROM THE TV PROCESSION HAS BEEN QUIETLY RE-EST
ABLISHING ITSELF IN THE BACKGROUND . ) > $
EVERYTHING HAS TO BEGIN SOMEWHERE AND THERE IS NO ANSWER TO
THAT . $
EXCEPT OF COURSE , WHY DOES IT ? $
WHY , SINCE WE ACCEPT THE NOTION OF INFINITY WITHOUT END , S
HOULD WE NOT ACCEPT THE LOGICALLY IDENTICAL NOTION OF INFINI
TY WITHOUT BEGINNING ? $
MY OLD - $
CONSIDER THE SERIES OF PROPER FRACTIONS . $
ETCETERA . $
< ( TO SECRETARY . ) > $
THEN CANTOR , THEN NO BEGINNING , ETCETERA , THEN ZENO . $
INSERT : BUT THE FACT IS , THE FIRST TERM OF THE SERIES IS N
OT AN INFINITE FRACTION BUT ZERO . $
IT EXISTS . $
GOOD , SO TO SPEAK , IS NOUGHT . $
INTERESTING . $
CONTINUE . $
BY MISSING THE POINT OF A CONVERGING SERIES ZENO OVERLOOKED
THE FALLACY WHICH IS EXEMPLIFIED AT ITS MOST PICTURESQUE IN
HIS FAMOUS PARADOXES , WHICH SHOWED IN EVERY WAY BUT EXPERIE
NCE THAT AN ARROW COULD NEVER REACH ITS TARGET , AND THAT A
TORTOISE GIVEN A HEAD START IN A RACE WITH , SAY , A HARE ,
COULD NEVER BE OVERTAKEN - AND BY WAY OF REGAINING YOUR ATTE
NTION I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE THE NATURE OF THAT FALLACY : TO
 WHICH END I HAVE BROUGHT WITH ME A SPECIALLY TRAINED TORTOI
SE - $
< ( WHICH HE TAKES FROM THE SMALLER WOODEN BOX ) > $
- AND A SIMILARLY TRAINED , DAMN AND BLAST ! - $
< ( HE HAS OPENED THE LARGER BOX AND FOUND IT EMPTY . $
HE LOOKS ROUND . ) > $
#30 $
THUMPER ! $
THUMPER , WHERE ARE YOU , BOY ? $
< ( FAILING TO FIND THUMPER UNDER THE DESKS OR THE BED , HE
LEAVES THE ROOM AND , CARRYING THE TORTOISE , ENTERS THE BED
ROOM , OPENING THE DOOR WIDE AND LEAVING IT OPEN AS THE BEDR
OOM LIGHTS UP . $
PROCESSION ON SCREEN . $
PROCESSION MUSIC LOUD NOW , AS THOUGH WE TRAVELLED WITH HIM
. $
THE BODY OF THE JUMPER IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT . $
HOWEVER , DOTTY'S NUDE BODY IS SPRAWLED FACE DOWN , AND APPA
RENTLY LIFELESS ON THE BED . $
GEORGE TAKES IN THE ROOM AT A GLANCE , IGNORES DOTTY , AND S
TILL CALLING FOR THUMPER GOES TO LOOK IN THE BATHROOM . $
GEORGE REAPPEARS FROM THE BATHROOM AFTER A SECOND OR TWO . $
MIXED IN WITH THE TV MUSIC NOW IS A SNATCH OF COMMENTARY . )
 > $
09 ... BEAUTIFUL BLUE SKY FOR THE FLY-PAST , AND HERE THEY C
OME ! $
< ( VERY LOUD : THE JET PLANES SCREAM AND THUNDER ON THE SOU
ND TRACK AND SCREAM AND THUNDER ACROSS THE SCREEN . $
IN MID-FLIGHT THEY ARE CUT OFF - GEORGE HAS TURNED OFF THE T
V : SILENCE AND WHITE SCREEN . $
GEORGE STILL MOVING TOWARDS THE DOOR , FROM THE BED WHERE TH
E TV SWITCH IS LYING . ) > $
01 ARE YOU A PROVERB ? $
02 NO , I 'M A BOOK . $
01 THE NAKED AND THE DEAD . $
02 STAY WITH ME ! $
< ( THE FOUR LINES HAVE BEEN RAPID . $
GEORGE IS NOW AT THE DOOR , READY TO LEAVE . $
DOTTY HAS SAT UP ON THE BED . ) > $
02 PLAY WITH ME ... $
01 < ( HESITATING ) > $
NOW ... ? $
02 I MEAN GAMES - $
< ( GEORGE MAKES TO LEAVE . ) > $
BE NICE . $
< ( GEORGE MOVES . $
DESPERATE . ) > $
I 'LL LET YOU ! $
< ( GEORGE LEAVES , SHUTTING THE DOOR AND THUS REVEALING THE
 CORPSE TO THE AUDIENCE . $
HE RE-ENTERS , AND THE CORPSE IS OBSCURED AGAIN . ) > $
#31 $
01 DO I SAY ' MY FRIEND THE LATE BERTRAND RUSSELL ' OR ' MY
LATE FRIEND BERTRAND RUSSELL ' ? $
THEY BOTH SOUND FUNNY . $
< ( PAUSE ) > $
02 PROBABLY BECAUSE HE WASN'T YOUR FRIEND . $
01 WELL , I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT . $
02 < ( ANGRILY ) > $
HE WAS MY FRIEND . $
IF HE HADN'T ASKED ME WHO WAS THAT BLOKE ALWAYS HANGING ABOU
T , YOU 'D NEVER HAVE MET HIM . $
01 NEVERTHELESS , I DID MEET HIM , AND WE TALKED ANIMATEDLY
FOR SOME TIME . $
02 AS I RECALL , YOU TALKED ANIMATEDLY FOR SOME TIME ABOUT L
ANGUAGE BEING THE ANISEED TRAIL THAT DRAWS THE HOUNDS OF HEA
VEN WHEN THE METAPHYSICAL FOX HAS GONE TO EARTH ; HE MUST HA
VE THOUGHT YOU WERE BARMY . $
01 < ( HURT ) > $
I RESENT THAT . $
MY METAPHOR OF THE FOX AND THE HOUNDS WAS AN ALLUSION , AS R
USSELL WELL UNDERSTOOD , TO HIS THEORY OF DESCRIPTIONS . $
02 THE THEORY OF DESCRIPTIONS WAS NOT WHAT WAS ON HIS MIND T
HAT NIGHT . $
FOR ONE THING IT WAS SIXTY YEARS SINCE HE 'D THOUGHT IT UP ,
AND FOR ANOTHER HE WAS TRYING TO TELEPHONE MAO TSE TUNG . $
01 I WAS SIMPLY TRYING TO BRING HIS MIND BACK TO MATTERS OF
UNIVERSAL IMPORT , AND AWAY FROM THE DAY-TO-DAY PAROCHIALISM
 OF INTERNATIONAL POLITICS . $
02 UNIVERSAL IMPORT ! $
YOU 'RE LIVING IN DREAMLAND ! $
01 OH REALLY ? $
WELL , I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT THAT TRYING TO GET THE LOCAL
EXCHANGE TO PUT YOU THROUGH TO CHAIRMAN MAO WITH THE WINE-WA
ITER FROM THE PAGODA GARDEN HANGING ON TO THE BEDROOM EXTENS
ION TO INTERPRET , SHOWED A GRASP OF THE REAL WORLD . $
< ( HE GOES TO LEAVE . ) > $
THUMPER ! $
WHERE ARE YOU , THUMPER ? $
02 GEORGIE ! - $
I 'LL LET YOU . $
< ( HE HALTS . ) > $
01 I DON'T WANT TO BE ' LET ' . $
CAN 'T YOU SEE THAT IT 'S AN INSULT ? $
< ( DOTTY DROPS BACK ON TO THE BED IN A REAL DESPAIR , AND P
ERHAPS A REAL CONTRITION . ) > $
02 OH GOD ... IF ONLY ARCHIE WOULD COME . $
#32 $
01 < ( COLDLY ) > $
IS HE COMING AGAIN ? $
02 I DON'T KNOW . $
DO YOU MIND ? $
01 WELL , HE 'S DROPPED IN TO SEE YOU EVERY DAY THIS WEEK .
$
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK ? $
02 I DON'T BELIEVE I LIKE YOUR TONE . $
01 I HAVE NO TONE . $
BUT I WOULD LIKE TONELESSLY TO MAKE THE POINT THAT IF HE INT
ENDS TO VISIT YOU ON A REGULAR BASIS THEN EITHER HE SHOULD C
OME AFTER LUNCH OR YOU SHOULD GET UP BEFORE IT . $
RECEIVING IN THE BEDROOM IS LIABLE TO GET A WOMAN TALKED ABO
UT , UNLESS IT IS AN AUTHENTIC SALON . $
02 HOW DARE YOU ? $
- GO ON , GET OUT AND WRITE YOUR STUPID SPEECH FOR YOUR DREA
MLAND DEBATING SOCIETY ! $
I THOUGHT FOR ONCE - I MEAN I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT I MIGHT GET
A LITTLE - UNDERSTANDING - YES , FINDING MYSELF IN A BIT OF
A SPOT , I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED TRUSTING YOU - FOR A LITTLE
PANACHE , WITHOUT A LOT OF PEDANTIC QUESTIONS AND HADN'T-WE-
BETTER-INFORM-THE -AUTHORITIES , I MEAN WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO
 RISE ABOVE THAT - BUT NOT YOU , OH NO , DO YOU WONDER I TUR
N TO ARCHIE - ? $
< ( SHE LIES DOWN ON THE BED AND PULLS THE COVER OVER HER .
) > $
01 < ( RECKLESS , COMMITTED ) > $
I CAN PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER , YOU KNOW . $
PUTTING TWO AND TWO TOGETHER IS MY SUBJECT . $
I DO NOT LEAP TO HASTY CONCLUSIONS . $
I DO NOT DEAL IN SUSPICION AND WILD SURMISE . $
I EXAMINE THE DATA ; I LOOK FOR LOGICAL INFERENCES . $
WE HAVE ON THE ONE HAND , THAT IS TO SAY IN BED , AN ATTRACT
IVE MARRIED WOMAN WHOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HUSBAND STOPS
SHORT ONLY OF THE ISSUE OF A RATION BOOK ; WE HAVE ON THE OT
HER HAND DAILY VISITS BY A CELEBRATED LADIES' MAN WHO RINGS
THE DOORBELL , IS ADMITTED BY MRS THING WHO SHOWS HIM INTO T
HE BEDROOM , WHENCE HE EMERGES AN HOUR LATER LOOKING MORE TH
AN A LITTLE COMPLACENT AND CRYING , ' DON'T WORRY , I 'LL LE
T MYSELF OUT ! ' $
< ( HE LAPSED INTO A CALM SUAVITY . ) > $
NOW LET US SEE . $
WIFE IN BED , DAILY VISITS BY GENTLEMEN CALLER . $
DOES ANYTHING SUGGEST ITSELF ? $
02 < ( CALMLY ) > $
SOUNDS TO ME HE 'S THE DOCTOR . $
< ( GEORGE IS STAGGERED . ) > $
#33 $
01 < ( PAUSE ) > $
DOCTOR ? $
... THE VICE-CHANCELLOR ? $
02 < ( SPIRITEDLY ) > $
YOU KNOW HE 'S A BLOODY DOCTOR ! $
01 I KNOW HE 'S A QUALIFIED PSYCHIATRIST , BUT HE DOESN'T PR
ACTISE . $
I MEAN HE ISN'T A CHAP WHO GOES AROUND LOOKING DOWN PEOPLE'S
 THROATS . $
HIS LINE IS PSYCHOTICS ... MANIC DEPRESSIVES - SCHIZOS - FAN
TASISERS - $
< ( DOTTY PICKS UP HER MIRROR AND STARTS BRUSHING HER HAIR .
 ) > $
< ( CATCHING UP . ) > $
YOU MEAN YOU 'RE BAD AGAIN ? $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
I 'M SORRY ... $
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU WERE ... $
02 I 'M ALL RIGHT IN HERE . $
< ( PAUSE ) > $
01 WHY DID HE BRING YOU FLOWERS ? $
NOT THAT THERE 'S ANY REASON , OF COURSE , WHY HE SHOULDN'T
BRING YOU FLOWERS . $
02 QUITE . $
01 I MEAN , HE 'S OUR FRIEND , MORE OR LESS . $
HE LIKES YOU . $
DO YOU LIKE HIM ? $
02 HE 'S ALL RIGHT IN HIS WAY . $
01 WHAT WAY IS THAT ? $
02 OH , YOU KNOW . $
01 NO . $
WHAT DOES HE DO ? $
02 HE 'S A DOCTOR . $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
HE KEEPS MY SPIRITS UP . $
01 DOES HE ? $
THAT 'S ... GOOD . $
02 I WON'T SEE HIM ANY MORE , IF YOU LIKE . $
< ( TURNS TO HIM . ) > $
I 'LL SEE YOU . $
IF YOU LIKE . $
< ( GEORGE EXAMINES THE NEW TONE , AND DECIDES THE MOMENT IS
 GENUINE . ) > $
01 < ( SOFTENING ) > $
OH , DOTTY ... $
THE FIRST DAY YOU WALKED INTO MY CLASS ... I THOUGHT , ' THA
T 'S BETTER ! ' $
... IT WAS A WET DAY ... YOUR HAIR WAS WET ... AND I THOUGHT
 , ' THE HYACINTH GIRL ' ... AND ' HOW MY HAIR IS GROWING TH
IN ' . $
02 AND I THOUGHT , I 'LL SIT QUIET AND THEY WON'T FIND OUT I
 'M STUPID ' ... AND ' WHAT A MODEST WAY WITH LOVELY WORDS '
 , AND ' HOW HIS HAIR IS GROWING THIN ' . $
01 AND YOU STARTED TO SIT NEARER THE FRONT . $
02 YOU DIDN'T LOOK ANY YOUNGER . $
#34 $
01 < ( PANG ) > $
AND THEN YOU FELL AMONG THEATRICALS . $
02 BUT IT WAS STILL ALL RIGHT . $
01 OH YES , FOR A TIME . $
AND THEN AGAIN , IT WASN'T . $
AND THEN AGAIN , IT SOMETIMES IS , EVEN NOW , WHEN ALL ELSE
FAILS YOU . $
02 < ( GOING TO HIM ) > $
GEORGE , I 'M IN A BIT OF A SPOT . $
01 WHAT ? $
02 < ( TOUCHING HIM ) > $
PROMISE NOT TO BE STUFFY . $
01 < ( RESPONDING TO THE TOUCH . ) > $
WE 'LL BE UNSTUFFY TOGETHER ... IF YOU LIKE . $
02 < ( TOUCHING HIS FACE . ) > $
YOU HAVEN'T SHAVED . $
YOU LOOK AWFUL .
01 I 'LL SHAVE THEN ... IF YOU LIKE . $
02 ALL RIGHT ... I FEEL A BIT STARVED . $
01 SO DO I . $
02 FOOD , I MEANT ... $
01 AFTERWARDS . $
02 BEFORE . $
01 < ( MOVING AWAY ) > $
ON SECOND THOUGHTS ... $
02 HAVEN'T YOU INVENTED GOD YET ? $
01 NEARLY , I 'M HAVING HIM TYPED OUT . $
< ( SHE RESTRAINS HIM FROM LEAVING . ) > $
02 PLEASE ... $
SHAVE . $
01 < ( PAUSE . ) > $
ALL RIGHT . $
< ( THE JETS COME BACK , SCREAMING OVER THE HOUSE . $
GEORGE STARES OUT OF THE FRENCH WINDOW . $
DOTTY LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING . ) > $
A PARADE ! $
02 A PARADE ! $
01 OH YES , THE RADICAL LIBERALS ... $
IT SEEMS IN DUBIOUS TASTE ... $
SOLDIERS ... FIGHTER PLANES ... $
AFTER ALL , IT WAS A GENERAL ELECTION , NOT A COUP D' ETAT .
 $
02 IT 'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT . $
01 WHY ? $
02 ARCHIE SAYS IT WAS A COUP D' ETAT NOT A GENERAL ELECTION
. $
01 GLIB NONSENSE . $
IT IS UNTHINKABLE THAT THE RADICAL LIBERAL PARTY COULD MANIP
ULATE THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS . $
02 DEMOCRACY IS ALL IN THE HEAD . $
ARCHIE SAYS . $
01 < ( ANGRILY ) > $
ARCHIE THIS , ARCHIE THAT ! $
JUST FOR TODAY I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING
 REMOTELY TO DO WITH ARCHIE ! $
#35 $
02 < ( PAUSE ) > $
YOU MAY AS WELL GROW A BEARD . $
01 AND ANYWAY , YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THAT SORT OF THING .
 $
EVERYTHING COMES OUT IN THE WASH , SOONER OR LATER . $
02 THEN GOD HELP ME AND THE GOVERNMENT . $
01 FURTHERMORE , I HAD A VOTE . $
02 IT 'S NOT THE VOTING THAT 'S DEMOCRACY , IT 'S THE COUNTI
NG . $
01 CR CROUCH HAD A VOTE . $
HE TOLD ME HE WAS SWINGING TO THE INDEPENDENT . $
< ( HE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM . ) > $
02 WELL , HE SEEMS TO BE TAKING OUT THE RUBBISH AT ANY TIME
THAT SUITS HIM . $
01 < ( RETURNING PUTTING ON A BEARD OF SHAVING FOAM ) > $
WHAT DID YOU MEAN , GOD HELP YOU AND THE GOVERNMENT ? $
02 < ( SUDDENLY MERRY AND MISCHIEVOUS ) > $
I ONLY MENTIONED GOD REFLEXIVELY $
, OLD MAN , NOT AS A TRUE INVOCATION . $
01 < ( WITH ASPERITY ) > $
WHENEVER YOU ARE LIKE THIS I ALWAYS THINK HOW UNJUST IT IS T
HAT SO MANY PEOPLE MUST HAVE LOOKED AT US AND SAID , ' WHAT
ON EARTH MADE HER MARRY HIM ? ' $
< ( HE DISAPPEARS BACK INTO THE BATHROOM ) > $
02 < ( STILL MERRY ) > $
AND YET , PROFESSOR , ONE CAN'T HELP WONDERING AT THE PERSIS
TENCE OF THE REFLEX , THE UNIVERSAL CONSTANT UNTHINKING APPE
AL TO THE NON-EXISTENT GOD WHO IS PRESUMED DEAD . $
PERHAPS HE 'S ONLY MISSING IN ACTION , SHOT DOWN BEHIND THE
THIN YELLOW LINES OF ADVANCING RAD-LIBS AND GETTING HIMSELF
TOGETHER TO GO BOO ! $
< ( HE RETURNS HOLDING HIS RAZOR ) > $
01 HAVE YOU BEEN SHAVING YOUR LEGS ? $
02 AND SO OUR TUTORIALS DESCENDED , FROM THE METAPHYSICAL TO
THE MERELY PHYSICAL ... NOT SO MUCH DOWN TO EARTH AS DOWN TO
 THE CARPET , DO YOU REMEMBER ? $
< ( NEW TONE . $
GEORGE , HALF FOAMED , BIBBED , SITS ON THE BED . ) > $
THAT WAS THE YEAR OF ' THE CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE ' , YOU MAST
ERPIECE , AND THE LAST DECENT TITLE LEFT AFTER RYLE BAGGED '
 THE CONCEPT OF MIND ' AND ARCHIE BAGGED ' THE PROBLEM OF MI
ND ' AND AYER BAGGED ' THE PROBLEM OF KNOWLEDGE ' - AND ' TH
E CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE ' MIGHT HAVE MADE YOU IF YOU HAD WRIT
TEN IT , BUT WE WERE STILL ON THE CARPET WHEN AN AMERICAN WI
TH AN ITALIAN NAME WORKING IN MELBOURNE BAGGED IT FOR A RATH
ER BAD BOOK WHICH SOLD FOUR COPIES IN LONDON , THREE TO UNKN
OWN PURCHASERS AND THE FOURTH TO YOURSELF . $
#36 $
HE 'D STOLEN A MARCH WHILE YOU WERE STILL COMPARING KNOWLEDG
E IN THE SENSE OF HAVING-EXPERIENCE-OF , WITH KNOWLEDGE IN T
HE SENSE OF BEING-ACQUAINTED WITH , AND KNOWLEDGE IN THE SEN
SE OF INFERRING FACTS WITH KNOWLEDGE IN THE SENSE OF COMPREH
ENDING TRUTHS , AND ALL THE TIME AS YOU GOT MORE AND MORE AC
QUAINTED WITH , THOUGH NO MORE COMPREHENDING OF , THE SYMBOL
IC PATTERNS ON MY PERSIAN CARPET , IT WAS KNOWING IN THE BIB
LICAL SENSE OF SCREWING THAT YOU WERE LEARNING ABOUT AND MAY
BE THERE 'S A BOOK IN YOU YET - $
< ( GEORGE THROWS DOWN HIS BIB ) > $
- OR DID YOU MEAN ABOUT ME AND THE GOVERNMENT ? $
< ( AS SHE CROSSES TO PICK UP THE GOLDFISH BOWL . $
GEORGE STOPS AND TURNS , WITH DIGNITY . ) > $
01 I DON'T BELIEVE YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT . $
YOU ARE THE WIFE OF AN ACADEMIC : THAT MEANS YOU ARE TWICE R
EMOVED FROM THE CENTRE OF EVENTS . $
02 ARCHIE SAYS THAT THE ACADEMICS CAN LOOK FORWARD TO RATHER
MORE RADICALISM THAN LIBERALISM . $
< ( SHE TAKES THE GOLDFISH BOWL INTO THE BATHROOM . ) > $
01 < ( CAREFULLY REASSURING HIMSELF ) > $
RADICALISM HAS A FINE AND HONOROUBLE TRADITION IN THIS COUNT
RY . $
IT WILL ALWAYS INVOLVE A HEALTHY SCEPTICISM ABOUT INHERITED
MEANS AND ENDS , THAT IS ALL . $
< ( DOTTY RE-ENTERS WITH THE GOLDFISH BOWL , EMPTIED AND UPS
IDE DOWN , OVER HER HEAD . $
SHE WALKS WITH THE LEADEN-FOOTED GAIT OF A MOON-WALKER . $
GEORGE IGNORES HER . ) > $
I MEAN , IT WOULD BE PRESUMPTUOUS TO CONDEMN RADICAL IDEAS S
IMPLY BECAUSE THEY APPEAR TO ME TO BE SELF-EVIDENTLY STUPID
AND CRIMINAL IF THEY DO HAPPEN TO BE AT THE SAME TIME RADICA
L . $
< ( DOTTY , MOONWALKING , AFFECTS TO FIND AND STOOP FOR A SM
ALL COIN , WHICH SHE HOLDS UP FOR GEORGE , WHO DOES NOT PAUS
E . ) > $
' THE MOON AND SIXPENCE ' . $
IT IS , AFTER ALL , A RADICAL IDEA TO ENSURE FREEDOM OF THE
INDIVIDUAL BY DENYING IT TO GROUPS . $
#37 $
< ( DOTTY TAKES OFF THE FISH BOWL AND REPLACES IT ON ITS TAB
LE , SOMEWHAT POINTLESSLY NOW . ) > $
INDEED , ANY PARTY WHICH CALLS ITSELF RADICAL MIGHT BE SAID
TO HAVE FORFEITED THIS CLAIM IF IT NEGLECTED TO TAKE OVER TH
E BROADCASTING SERVICES AND SEND THE CHURCH COMMISSIONERS TO
 PRISON - $
02 IT WASN'T THE CHURCH COMMISSIONERS , IT WAS PROPERTY COMP
ANIES AND MASTERS OF FOXHOUNDS . $
01 I THOUGHT THE CHURCH COMMISSIONERS WERE A PROPERTY COMPAN
Y . $
02 THEY WERE DISPOSSESSED , RETROACTIVELY , AS A HUMANE GEST
URE . $
< ( SHE TOSSES HIM A ' TIMES ' NEWSPAPER FROM THE TABLE BESI
DE THE BED . ) > $
01 WELL , WHAT ABOUT THE CHURCH COMMISSIONERS WHO WERE ALSO
MASTERS OF FOXHOUNDS ? $
02 I DON'T KNOW - DARLING , I 'M STARVING - $
01 < ( TURNS A PAGE . $
MOROSELY ) > $
THERE 'S A PHOTOGRAPH HERE OF THE ASSOCIATION OF NATIONAL NE
WSPAPER PROPRIETORS SITTING IN THE BACK OF A POLICE CAR WITH
 A RAINCOAT OVER THEIR HEADS . $
02 AT LEAST IT 'S A GOVERNMENT WHICH KEEPS ITS PROMISES . $
01 < ( FLINGING DOWN THE PAPER ) > $
THIS ISN'T POLITICAL THEORY ! $
TO THINK THAT THESE SIMPLISTIC SCORE-SETTLERS SHOULD HAVE AP
PROPRIATED THE BATTLE-SCARRED COLOURS OF THOSE TRUE RADICALS
WHO FOUGHT FOR UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE AND THE REPEAL OF THE CORN
 LAWS - ! $
< ( RAVING ) > $
AND HOW IS THE CHURCH TO PAY ITS CLERGY ? $
ARE THEY GOING TO PULL DOWN THE CHURCHES ? $
02 YES . $
< ( HE GAPES ) > $
THE CHURCH IS GOING TO BE RATIONALIZED . $
01 RATIONALIZED ? $
< ( FURIOUSLY . ) > $
YOU CAN'T RATIONALIZE THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES ! $
02 NO , NO ... NOT THE FAITH , THE FABRIC . $
YOU REMEMBER HOW THEY RATIONALIZED THE RAILWAYS ? $
- WELL , NOW THEY 'RE GOING TO RATIONALIZE THE CHURCH . $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
THERE WAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON TELEVISION . $
01 WHO BY ? $
02 THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY . $
CLEGTHORPE . $
01 CLEGTHORPE ? $
SAM CLEGTHORPE ? $
#38 $
02 IT 'S BEEN MADE A POLITICAL APPOINTMENT , LIKE JUDGES . $
01 ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THE RADICAL LIBERAL SPOKESMAN FOR
AGRICULTURE HAS BEEN MADE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY ? ! ! $
02 DON'T SHOUT AT ME ... I SUPPOSE IF YOU THINK OF HIM AS A
SORT OF ... SHEPHERD , MINISTERING TO HIS FLOCK ... $
01 BUT HE 'S AN AGNOSTIC . $
02 < ( CAPITULATING ) > $
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH YOU - NOBODY IS GOING TO HAVE ANY CO
NFIDENCE IN HIM . $
IT 'S LIKE THE CHAIRMAN OF THE COAL BOARD BELIEVING IN OIL .
 $
01 < ( SHOUTS . ) > $
NO , IT IS NOT ! $
< ( AN EXHAUSTED PAUSE . ) > $
YOU 'RE MAKING IT UP . $
YOU JUST LIKE TO GET ME GOING . $
02 DO YOU FIND IT INCREDIBLE THAT A MAN WITH A SCIENTIFIC BA
CKGROUND SHOULD BE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY ? $
01 HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW WHAT I FIND INCREDIBLE ? $
CREDIBILITY IS AN EXPANDING FIELD ... $
SHEER DISBELIEF HARDLY REGISTERS ON THE FACE BEFORE THE HEAD
 IS NODDING WITH ALL THE WISDOM OF INSTANT HINDSIGHT . $
' ARCHBISHOP CLEGTHORPE ? $
OF COURSE ! $
THE INEVITABLE CAPSTONE TO A CAREER IN VETERINARY MEDICINE !
 ' $
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OLD ARCHBISHOP ? $
02 HE ABDICATED ... OR RESIGNED OR UNCOPED HIMSELF - $
01 < ( THOUGHTFULLY ) > $
DIS-MANTLED HIMSELF , PERHAPS . $
< ( DOTTY TURNS ON THE TV : THE MOON ) > $
GOOD GOD ! $
< ( AT WINDOW ) > $
I CAN ACTUALLY SEE CLEGTHORPE ! - MARCHING ALONG , ATTENDED
BY TWO CHAPLAINS IN BELTED RAINCOATS . $
02 IS HE WEARING A MITRE ? $
01 YES . $
HE 'S BLESSING PEOPLE TO RIGHT AND LEFT . $
HE MUST BE DRUNK . $
< ( HE STARES OUT OF THE WINDOW . $
DOTTY STARES AT THE TV . ) > $
02 POOR MOON MAN , FALLING HOME LIKE LUCIFER . $
< ( SHE TURNS OFF THE TV : SCREEN GOES WHITE . ) > $
... OF COURSE , TO SOMEBODY ON IT , THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL
, SO THE LOCAL IDEA OF A SANE ACTION MAY WELL DIFFER FROM OU
RS . $
< ( PAUSE ; STONILY ) > $
WHEN THEY FIRST LANDED , IT WAS AS THOUGH I 'D SEEN A UNICOR
N ON THE TELEVISION NEWS ... $
IT WAS VERY INTERESTING , OF COURSE . $
BUT IT CERTAINLY SPOILED UNICORNS . $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT TO THE ANALYST WHEN EVERYBODY IN SIGHT
 WAS ASKING ME WHAT WAS THE MATTER ... $
' WHAT 'S THE MATTER , DARLING ? ' $
... ' WHAT HAPPENED , BABY ? ' $
#39 $
WHAT COULD I SAY ? $
I CAME OVER FUNNY AT WORK SO I WENT HOME EARLY . $
IT MUST HAPPEN OFTEN ENOUGH TO A WORKING GIRL . $
AND WHY MUST THE DAMNED SHOW GO ON ANYWAY ? $
SO IT STOPPED RIGHT THEN AND THERE , AND IN A WAY MY RETIREM
ENT WAS THE GREATEST TRIUMPH OF MY CAREER . $
BECAUSE NOBODY LEFT . $
01 < ( TO HIMSELF ) > $
SAM CLEGTHORPE ! $
02 FOR NEARLY AN HOUR THEY ALL SAT OUT FRONT , STARING AT TH
AT STUPID SPANGLED MOON , AND THEY WEREN'T WAITING FOR THEIR
 MONEY'S WORTH , THEY WERE WAITING FOR NEWS . $
IS SHE ALL RIGHT ? $
... OH YES , NOT BAD FOR A BORED HOUSEWIFE , EH ? - NOT AT A
LL BAD FOR A ONE-TIME STUDENT AMATEUR BORED WITH KEEPING HOU
SE FOR HER PROFESSOR . $
AND THEY 'RE STILL WAITING ! - MY RETIREMENT IS NOW ALMOST A
S LONG AS MY CAREER , BUT THEY 'RE WAITING FOR ME TO COME BA
CK OUT , AND FINISH MY SONG . $
AND WRITING ME LOVE LETTERS IN THE MEAN TIME . $
THAT 'S RIGHT , NOT SO BLOODY BAD FOR A SECOND-CLASS HONOURS
 WITH A HALF-GOOD VOICE AND A CERTAIN VARIETY OF SHAKES . $
IT 'S NO GOOD , THOUGH . $
THEY THOUGHT IT WAS OVERWORK OR ALCOHOL , BUT IT WAS JUST TH
OSE LITTLE GREY MEN IN GOLDFISH BOWLS , CLUMPING ABOUT IN TH
EIR LEAD BOOTS ON THE TELEVISION NEWS ; IT WAS VERY INTEREST
ING , BUT IT CERTAINLY SPOILED THAT JUNEY OLD MOON ; AND MUC
H ELSE BESIDES ... $
THE ANALYST WENT BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE , OF COURSE ; I S
HOULD NEVER HAVE MENTIONED UNICORNS TO A FREUDIAN . $
< ( GEORGE TURNS BACK FROM THE VIEW . ) > $
01 < ( SERENELY ) > $
ARCHBISHOP CLEGTHORPE ! $
THAT MUST BE THE HIGH POINT OF SCIENTISM ; FROM HERE ON THE
DARWINIAN REVOLUTION DECLINES TO ITS OWN ORIGINS . $
MAN HAS GONE APE AND GOD IS IN THE ASCENDANT , AND IT WILL E
ND AS IT BEGAN , WITH HIM GAZING SPECULATIVELY DOWN ON THE U
NPEOPLED EARTH AS THE MOON RISES OVER THE SMOKING LANDSCAPE
OF VULCANITE CLIFFS AND LAKES OF CLINKER - NOT ANOTHER HERCU
LANEUM , BUT THE ASH ITSELF . $
02 DO YOU THINK IT IS ... SIGNIFICANT THAT IT 'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO IMAGINE ANYONE BUILDING A CHURCH ON THE MOON ? $
01 IF GOD EXISTS , HE CERTAINLY EXISTED BEFORE RELIGION . $
HE IS A PHILOSOPHER'S GOD , LOGICALLY INFERRED FROM SELF-EVI
DENT PREMISES . $
#40 $
THAT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN UP BY A GLORIFIED SUPPORTERS'
 CLUB IS ONLY A MATTER OF PSYCHOLOGICAL INTEREST . $
02 ARCHIE SAYS THE CHURCH IS A MONUMENT TO IRRATIONALITY . $
01 IF ARCHIE EVER CHOSE TO RELINQUISH HIS POSITION AS AN ENI
NENT VICE-CHANCELLOR HE WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT BUFFOON ; BU
T SINCE HE MANAGES TO COMBINE BOTH ROLES WITHOUT STRAIN , I
DON'T SUPPOSE HE EVER WILL . $
< ( HE TURNS AND SHOUTS AT HER WITH SURPRISING ANGER . ) > $
THE NATIONAL GALLERY IS A MONUMENT TO IRRATIONALITY ! $
EVERY CONCERT HALL IS A MONUMENT TO IRRATIONALITY ! - AND SO
IS A NICELY KEPT GARDEN , OR A LOVER'S FAVOUR , OR A HOME FO
R STRAY DOGS ! $
YOU STUPID WOMAN , IF RATIONALITY WERE THE CRITERION FOR THI
NGS BEING ALLOWED TO EXIST , THE WORLD WOULD BE ONE GIGANTIC
 FIELD OF SOYA BEANS ! $
< ( HE PICKS UP HIS TORTOISE AND BALANCES IT LOVINGLY ON THE
 PALM OF HIS HAND , AT THE LEVEL OF HIS MOUTH . ) > $
< ( APOLOGETICALLY . ) > $
WOULDN'T IT , PAT ? $
THE IRRATIONAL , THE EMOTIONAL , THE WHIMSICAL ... THESE ARE
 THE STAMP OF HUMANITY WHICH MAKES REASON A CIVILIZING FORCE
 . $
IN A WHOLY RATIONAL SOCIETY THE MORALIST WILL BE A VARIETY O
F CRANK , HARANGUING THE BUS QUEUE WITH THE DEMENTED CERTITU
DE OF ONE BLESSED WITH PRIVILEGED INFORMATION - $
' GOOD AND EVIL ARE METAPHYSICAL ABSOLUTES ! ' $
WHAT DID I COME IN FOR ? $
< ( LOOKING ROUND . ) > $
02 ALL THIS TALK ABOUT BEANS REMINDS ME ... I LEFT SOMETHING
 FOR MRS. DOINGS TO PUT IN THE OVEN - $
COULD YOU - ? $
01 NO , I COULDN'T . $
YOU KNOW WHERE THE KITCHEN IS - $
02 WHERE ? $
01 - AND YOUR ARISTOCRATIC PRETENCE THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING OF
 SUCH THINGS IS ALL VERY AMUSING WHEN I 'M LESS BUSY , BUT -
 WHERE 'S MRS THINGUMMY ? $
02 IT 'S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY . $
I EXPECT SHE 'S DOWN THERE SOMEWHERE , WAVING A LITTLE YELLO
W FLAG . $
01 OH YES - SHE WOULD BE IN ON IT . $
IN FACT I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE RAD-
LIB PHILOSOPHY : ' NO PROBLEM IS INSOLUBLE GIVEN A BIG ENOUG
H PLASTIC BAG ] $
#41 $
< ( HE 'S LEAVING ) > $
02 YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A LARGE PLASTIC BAG , DO YOU ? $
01 CAN YOU REMEMBER WHAT I CAME IN FOR ? $
02 PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME ! $
I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT , TO COPE ... $
01 DOTTY , I 'M SORRY , I MUST ... I 'M SORRY IF IT 'S ONE O
F YOUR BAD DAYS , BUT THINGS WILL GET BETTER . $
02 THERE 'S NO QUESTION OF THINGS GETTING BETTER . $
THINGS ARE ONE WAY OR THEY ARE ANOTHER WAY ; ' BETTER ' IS H
OW WE SEE THEM , ARCHIE SAYS , AND I DON'T PERSONALLY , VERY
 MUCH ; THOUGH SOMETIMES HE MAKES THEM SEEM NOT SO BAD AFTER
 ALL - NO , THAT 'S WRONG , TOO : HE KNOWS NOT ' SEEMS ' . $
THINGS DO NOT SEEM , ON THE ONE HAND , THEY ARE ; AND ON THE
 OTHER HAND , BAD IS NOT WHAT THEY CAN BE . $
THEY CAN BE GREEN , OR SQUARE , OR JAPANESE , LOUD , FATAL ,
 WATERPROOF OR VANILLA-FLAVOURED ; AND THE SAME FOR ACTIONS
 , WHICH CAN BE DISAPPROVED OF , OR COMICAL , UNEXPECTED , S
ADDENING OR GOOD TELEVISION , VARIOUSLY , DEPENDING ON WHO F
ROWNS , LAUGHS , JUMPS , WEEPS OR WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT FO
R THE WORLD . $
THINGS AND ACTIONS , YOU UNDERSTAND , CAN HAVE ANY NUMBER OF
 REAL AND VERIFIABLE PROPERTIES . $
BUT GOOD AND BAD , BETTER AND WORSE , THESE ARE NOT REAL PRO
PERTIES OF THINGS , THEY ARE JUST EXPRESSIONS OF OUR FEELING
S ABOUT THEM . $
01 ARCHIE SAYS . $
02 < ( PAUSE . ) > $
UNFORTUNATELY , I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD TODAY . $
IF YOU LIKE , I WON'T SEE HIM . $
IT 'LL BE JUST YOU AND ME UNDER THAT OLD-FASHIONED , SILVERY
 HARVEST MOON , OCCASSIONALLY BLUE , JUMPED OVER BY COWS AND
 COUPLETED BY JUNES , INVARIABLY SHINING ON THE ONE I LOVE ;
 WELL-KNOWN CAROLINA , MUCH LOVED IN ALLEGHENY , FAMILIAR IN
 VERMONT ; $
< ( THE SCREW TURNING IN HER ) > $
KEATS'S BLOODY MOON ! - FOR WHAT HAS MADE THE SAGE OR POET W
RITE BUT THE FAIR PARADISE OF NATURE'S LIGHT - $
AND MILTON'S BLOODY MOON ! RISING IN CLOUDED MAJESTY , AT LE
NGTH APPARENT QUEEN , UNVEILED HER PEERLESS LIGHT AND O'ER T
E DARK HER SILVER MANTLE THREW - $
AND SHELLEY'S SODDING MAIDEN , WITH WHITE FIRE LADEN , WHOM
MORTALS CALL THE - $
< ( WEEPING ) > $
OH YES , THINGS WERE IN PLACE THEN ! $
< ( SHE WEEPS ON GEORGE'S UNCOMPREHENDING HEART . $
HE STROKES HER HAIR . $
SHE SPEAKS INTO HIS CHEST . ) > $
#42 $
OH , GEORGIE ... $
< ( HE STROKES HER HAIR . $
HE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO . $
SO HE PLAYS WITH HER HAIR FOR WHAT SEEMS A LONG TIME , LIFTI
NG UP HER HAIR , RUNNING IT THROUGH HIS FINGERS , LOOKING AT
 IT , SEPARATING STRANDS OF HAIR . $
HIS MIND GRAPPLES WITH HAIR , AND THEN DRIFTS , AND STOPS .
 ) > $
01 HAVE YOU SEEN THUMPER ? $
< ( HE IS IMMEDIATELY ASHAMED OF HIMSELF . $
BUT HE HAS KILLED IT . $
BUT HE HAS KILLED IT . $
THEY SEPARATE . $
DOTTY STRAIGHTENS UP . $
GEORGE WALKS TO THE DOOR , TAKING HIS TORTOISE . ) > $
DID BERTRAND RUSSELL EVER ... MENTION ME , AFTER THAT ? $
02 < ( PAUSE . ) > $
YES , HE DID , AS A MATTER OF FACT . $
HE ASKED WHETHER YOU HUNTED . $
< ( THERE IS NOTHING TO DO BUT GO , SO HE GOES . $
INTO THE STUDY . $
HE HAS CLOSED THE BEDROOM DOOR . $
THE JUMPER HANGS ON THE DOOR . $
DOTTY REGARDS THE CORPSE WITHOUT EXPRESSION . $
DURING THE NEXT SCENE IN THE STUDY , THE LIGHT REMAINS IN TH
E BEDROOM . $
DOTTY , DURING THE SCENE , LIFTS THE CORPSE OFF ITS HOOK AND
 SITS IT IN AN UPSTAGE CHAIR . $
GEORGE ENTERS THE STUDY . $
HIS FACE IS STILL FOAMED . $
THE SECRETARY HAS BEEN TYPING OUT HIS DICTATION . $
SHE HANDS HIM THE SHEETS . $
THE MEREST TRACE OF INTEREST IN THE FACT THAT HE HAS SHAVING
 FOAM ON HIS FACE . > $
01 I TAKE IT THEN THAT WE ARE ALL AGREED THAT GOD EXISTS , C
RIED OF , ' OH ! ' , I MEAN A FIRST CAUSE , CRIES OF , ' OH
, OH ! ' , YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVING ME YOUR PROPER ATTENTION
 , I WILL ATTEMPT A RESUME , UPROAR , CRIES OF ' RESIGN ' -
FIRSTLY , IS GOD ? $
SECONDLY THAT EVERY SERIES HAS A FIRST TERM IS A CONDITION T
HAT MAKES GOD A LOGICAL NECESSITY . $
THIRDLY , EVERY SERIES DOES , THE NOTION OF INFINITY WITHOUT
 BEGINNING BEING REJECTED A PRIORI , THANK YOU . $
< ( SNATCHES PAGE OFF DESK . ) > $
FIFTHLY , MATHEMATICS IS NOT SIMPLY THE TECHNIQUE OF COUNTIN
G - $
< ( BREAKS OFF . $
TAKES NEW SHEET OF PAPER . ) > $
TO WHICH END I HAVE BROUGHT WITH ME A SPECIAL TRAINED TORTOI
SE - $
< ( BREAKS OFF AGAIN . ) > $
PAT ! ? $
< ( HE HEADS BACK TOWARDS THE BEDROOM WHERE DOTTY HAS JUST D
UMPED THE JUMPER INTO THE CHAIR . $
#43 $
THE CHAIR IS UPSTAGE FACING THE AUDIENCE . $
DOTTY IS STANDING UP AGAINST THE CHAIR WITH HER BACK TO THE
AUDIENCE . $
THE TORTOISE HAS BEEN LEFT DOWNSTAGE RIGHT , SO GEORGE IS GO
ING TO CROSS THE BEDROOM BEHIND DOTTY'S BACK . $
THE JUMPER'S YELLOW TROUSERS ARE ILL CONCEALED BY DOTTY'S BO
DY . $
GEORGE ENTERS . $
AS GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR , DOTTY CALMLY LETS HER ROBE SLIP D
OWN HER BACK UNTIL IT HANGS LIKE A DRAPE BELOW HER BUTTOCKS
, HER ARMS , STILL IN THE SLEEVES , HELD OUT TO THE SIDES ;
THUS CONCEALING THE JUMPER FROM VIEW . $
THUS , SHE IS NAKED FROM THE THIGHS UP , BACK VIEW . $
GEORGE GLANCES CASUALLY AT HER AS HE CROSSES THE ROOM . ) >
$
01 BOTTOM ? $
< ( DOTTY LIFTS THE ROBE TO COVER HER BOTTOM . ) > $
BACK . $
... SOMEBODY'S BACK ... ? $
< ( HE PICKS UP THE TORTOISE . $
DOTTY TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM COQUETTISHLY OVER HER SHOULDER .
$
HE IS RECROSSING THE ROOM TOWARDS THE DOOR . ) > $
LULU 'S BACK ! - IN TOWN - $
VERY GOOD ! $
< ( HE LEAVES , CLOSING THE DOOR , AND RE-ENTERS THE STUDY .
... $
DOTTY PULLS HER ROBE ON AGAIN . $
THE BEDROOM FADES OUT . $
IN THE STUDY , HE PICKS UP THE BOW AND AN ARROW . ) > $
01 < ( TO HIMSELF ) > $
THE VICE-CHANCELLOR ? $
< ( THE DOORBELL RINGS . $
 $
HE HESITATES . ) > $
HE 'S EARLY . $
< ( LOOKS AT HIS WATCH . ) > $
GOOD GOD , IT 'S UNPROFESSIONAL CONDUCT . $
HE 'S ONLY JUST LEFT . $
< ( HE MARCHES TO THE DOOR , BRANDISHING HIS BOW AND ARROW ,
 AND , PUTTING HIS MOUTH TO THE TORTOISE'S EAR , OR THEREABO
UTS , CONFIDES IN IT . ) > $
NOW MIGHT I DO IT , PAT . $
< ( HE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR . $
IT IS INSPECTOR BONES . $
HE CARRIES A BUNCH OF FLOWERS . $
THE DOOR IS OPENED TO HIM BY A MAN HOLDING A BOW-AND-ARROW I
N ONE HAND AND A TORTOISE IN THE OTHER , HIS FACE COVERED IN
 SHAVING FOAM . $
BONES RECOILS FROM THE SPECTACLE , AND GEORGE IS SOMEWHAT TA
KEN ABACK TOO . $
A RAPID EXCHANGE FOLLOWS ... ) > $
YES ? $
#44 $
04 AH ! $
- BONES ! $
01 WHAT ? $
04 AS IN RAGS-AND . $
01 RAGS AND BONES ??? $
04 YES - NO . $
BONES' THE NAME , AS IN DEM BONES , DEM BONES ... $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
... DEM DRY BONES . $
THAT 'S A TORTOISE IS IT ? $
01 I 'M SORRY , I WAS EXPECTING A PSYCHIATRIST . $
04 NO REALLY ? $
< ( BONES IS HIMSELF AGAIN , MASTER OF ANY SITUATION . $
HE ADVANCES PAST GEORGE ON THE LAST LINE . ) > $
01 I 'M REALLY RATHER BUSY . $
< ( BONES IS NOW PAST HIM . $
BONES LOOKS AT GEORGE WITH UNCONCEALED INTEREST . ) > $
04 WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO ? $
01 I 'M A PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY . $
04 < ( WAGGING A FINGER . ) > $
I 'M VERY GLAD YOU SAID THAT , SON . $
< ( BONES CONTINUES HIS INSPECTION OF THE HALL . ) > $
01 PERHAPS I CAN HELP YOU . $
04 IN MY INQUIRIES , YOU MEAN , OR JUST GENERALLY ? $
THINK CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU ANSWER - IF IT GETS ABOUT THAT YO
U 'RE HELPING ME IN MY INQUIRIES , BANG GOES YOUR CREDIT AT
THE OFF-LICENCE FOR A START . $
INSPECTOR BONES , C.I.D. - TELL MISS MOORE I 'M HERE , THERE
 'S A GOOD LAD . $
01 < ( RATHER COLDLY ) > $
IT 'S MRS MOORE , ACTUALLY . $
04 MOORE IS HER MARRIED NAME ? $
01 YES , MOORE IS MY NAME ? $
04 < ( SHREWDLY ) > $
YOU ARE THE HUSBAND . $
01 YES . $
04 PROFESSOR ... MOORE . $
01 YES ... $
< ( LIGHTENING ) > $
YES , I 'M SOMETHING OF A LOGICIAN MYSELF . $
04 REALLY ? $
SAWING LADIES IN HALF , THAT SORT OF THING ? $
01 LOGICIAN . $
< ( BONES IS CASING THE HALL EXPERTLY , JUST WITH HIS EYES .
 ) > $
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TAKE YOUR FLOWERS , INSPECTOR ? $
04 I WAS HOPING TO SEE MISS MOORE PERSONALLY . $
01 WELL , IT 'S AWFULLY NICE OF YOU TO COME ROUND ... $
#45 $
04 NOT AT ALL . $
IF I 'M GOING TO ARREST HER , I CAN HARDLY DO IT BY INTERFLO
RA . $
01 ARREST HER ? $
04 DO NOT BE MISLED BY APPEARANCES , CHARLIE . $
MISS MOORE IS A GREAT FAVOURITE IN THE FORCE AND I HAVE KNOC
KED DOWN MANY A MAN WHO HAS DEFACED HER PHOTOGRAPH IN THE ST
ATION CANTEEN - BUT , THE LAW IN IMPLACABLE , IT MAKES NO DI
STINCTION BETWEEN RICH AND POOR , FAMOUS AND ANONYMOUS , INN
OCENT AND - I MEAN , JACK , IF THE TELEPHONE CALL WHICH SET
IN MOTION THIS INQUIRY WAS THE WHIM OF A LUNATIC , AS I MYSE
LF SUSPECT , THEN I WILL SIMPLY TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY OF PRES
ENTING THIS TOKEN TRIBUTE TO A FINE ACTRESS , A GREAT SINGER
 AND A TRUE LADY - AFTER WHICH , I WILL TAKE MY LEAVE , PERH
APS WITH HER AUTOGRAPH ON THE COVER OF THIS MUCH PLAYED MUCH
 LOVED GRAMOPHONE RECORD - $
< ( FROM A CAPACIOUS INSIDE-POCKET OF HIS RAINCOAT ) > $
- AND , WHO KNOWS ? THE LINGERING TOUCH OF A KISS BRUSHED AG
AINST AN ADMIRER'S CHEEK ... $
< ( REVERIE ... ) > $
BUT ! - IF IT SO HAPPENS THAT THERE IS ANY TRUTH IN THE ALLE
GATIONS CONCERNING EVENTS IN THIS LUXURY PENTHOUSE YESTERDAY
 NIGHT , THEN THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOME BRUISED PETALS UNDE
RFOOT AS THE FULL MAJESTY OF THE LAW COMES DOWN ON HER LIKE
A TON OF BRICKS , YOU TAKE MY MEANING , FERDINAND ? $
< ( ENTERING THE STUDY . ) > $
IS THIS THE SCENE OF YOUR MORALS ? $
< ( THE SECRETARY STARES AT HIM . ) > $
< ( UNNECESSARILY . ) > $
DON'T MOVE . $
< ( BONES ACTS AS IF HE OWNS THE PLACE , PICKING THINGS UP A
ND PUTTING THEM DOWN ; GLANCING OVER THE TYPEWRITTEN SHEETS
ON GEORGE'S DESK . ) > $
01 THIS IS MY SECRETARY - SHE AND I WERE JUST - $
< ( HE CATCHES SIGHT OF HIMSELF ON THE FOURTH-WALL MIRROR (
THE EFFECT IS OF A DOUBLE-TAKE AT THE AUDIENCE ) $
HE PUTS DOWN THE TORTOISE AND THE ARCHERY KIT , AND WIPES HI
S FACE HASTILY . ) > $
OH - I SHOULD EXPLAIN - $
04 I PREFER TO USE MY IMAGINATION . $
WHEN WILL YOUR WIFE BE BACK ? $
01 SHE 'S IN BED - INDISPOSED - WAITING FOR THE DOCTOR . $
04 LOCKJAW ? $
01 NO . $
#46 $
04 THEN WE CAN HAVE A CHAT . $
IS GOD WHAT ? $
< ( HE IS READING THE FIRST PAGE OF THE TYPESCRIPT . ) > $
01 WHAT ? $
- OH - IT 'S A PAPER I AM PRESENTING TO THE SYMPOSIUM TONIGH
T AT THE UNIVERSITY . $
I AM ONE OF TWO MAIN SPEAKERS ON THE SUBJECT , ' MAN - GOOD
, BAD OR INDIFFERENT ? ' $
THE SUBJECT IS IN FACT THE SAME EVERY YEAR BUT THERE IS ENOU
GH DISAGREEMENT ABOUT ITS MEANING TO ENSURE A REGULAR CHANGE
 OF TOPIC . $
IT IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO SPEAK , YOU KNOW .
.. I HAD HOPED TO SET BRITISH MORAL PHILOSOPHY BACK FORTY YE
ARS , WHICH IS ROUGHLY WHEN IT WENT OFF THE RAILS , BUT UNFO
RTUNATELY , THOUGH MY CONVICTIONS ARE INTACT AND MY IDEAS CO
HERENT , I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE WORDS ... $
04 WELL , ' ARE GOD ? ' IS WRONG FOR A START . $
01 OR RATHER , THE WORDS BETRAY THE THOUGHTS THEY ARE SUPPOS
ED TO EXPRESS . $
EVEN THE MOST GENERALIZED TRUTH BEGINS TO LOOK LIKE SPECIAL
PLEADING AS SOON AS YOU TRAP IT IN LANGUAGE . $
IT WOULD BE A GREAT OPPORTUNITY  IF ONLY I COULD SEIZE IT ..
. $
I MEAN , IT 'S REALLY THE EVENT OF THE YEAR . $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
IN THE WORLD OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY , THAT IS . $
04 < ( PUTTING DOWN THE SCRIPT ) > $
IT 'S NOT A WORLD I MOVE IN VERY MUCH . $
01 NO . $
04 SHOW BUSINESS IS MY MAIN INTEREST , CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY C
RIME DETECTION . $
IF THIS IS THE LARGEST ROOM IN THE FLAT I DON'T THINK I'LL B
E TROUBLING YOU LONG . $
01 OH . $
WELL ... THE BEDROOM IS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE , BUT OF COURSE
THERE 'S THE MAIN LIVING ROOM ... $
04 LIVING ROOM ? $
BIG ROOM ? $
01 IT IS BIG , YES , IT WAS THE BALLROOM BEFORE THE PLACE WA
S CONVERTED INTO FLATS . $
04 HIGH CEILING ? $
YES . $
04 AH . $
TAKE A TROUPE OF ACROBATS , WOULD IT ? $
01 < ( PAUSE . ) > $
YES . $
I 'M AFRAID SO . $
04 GETTING MY DRIFT , SIDNEY ? $
LET 'S HAVE A LOOK . $
< ( BONES WALKS OUT OF THE STUDY . $
AFTER A MOMENT OF NONPLUSSED HESITANCE , GEORGE FOLLOWS QUIC
KLY , CATCHING UP OUTSIDE THE STUDY DOOR , WHICH HE CLOSES B
EHIND HIM . ) > $
#47 $
02 INSPECTOR ! $
- I THINK I CAN HELP YOU IN YOUR INQUIRIES . $
I 'M YOUR MAN . $
I AM THE MYSTERY TELEPHONE CALLER . $
04 < ( PAUSE ) > $
YOU LAID INFORMATION AGAINST YOUR WIFE , SIR ? $
01 YES . $
WELL , IT WAS REALLY AGAINST MYSELF MORE THAN MY WIFE . $
04 ANONYMOUSLY . $
AGAINST YOURSELF ? $
01 YES . $
04 YOU HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF GOING ABOUT THINGS . $
ARE YOU TRYING TO PREPARE THE GROUND FOR A PLEA OF INSANITY
? $
01 I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU . $
I DIDN'T GIVE MY NAME BECAUSE I COULD HARDLY REGISTER A COMP
LAINT ABOUT THE NOISE ISSUING FROM MY OWN FLAT . $
SO I PRETENDED TO BE A NEIGHBOUR WHO COULDN'T SLEEP . $
04 YOUR PHONE CALL WAS ABOUT THE NOISE ? $
01 YES . $
04 YOU DIDN'T MENTION - AN ACROBAT ? $
01 DID I ? $
04 OR A NAKED WOMAN SWINGING FROM THE CHANDELIERS ? $
01 OH YES ! $
I 'M ASHAMED TO SAY I DID . $
I SAID I SAW HER FROM THE WINDOW OPPOSITE . $
I THOUGHT A SUGGESTION OF IMMORALITY MIGHT GET THE POLICE RO
UND MORE QUICKLY THAN MERE EXUBERANCE . $
NOT A WORD OF TRUTH IN IT , OF COURSE . $
I MEAN ABOUT ME BEING AT A WINDOW OPPOSITE . $
AND I WITHDRAW THE COMPLAINT ANYWAY  ; THE YOUNG WOMAN IS OF
EXCELLENT CHARACTER AND NOTABLY SELF-COMPOSED AS A RULE . $
IT WAS A SIDE OF HER I 'D NEVER SEEN BEFORE . $
HIGH SPIRITS , NO DOUBT . $
INCIDENTALLY , I DON'T KNOW WHO ANSWERS THE PHONE AT YOUR PL
ACE BUT HE TOLD ME TO DRAW MY CURTAINS AND REMEMBER THAT I W
AS YOUNG ONCE ; NOT WHAT ONE EXPECTS . $
04 < ( HE PRODUCES A NOTEBOOK ) > $
WHO WAS AT THIS PARTY ... ? $
01 OH ... ACADEMICS , WRITERS , DOCTORS , PHILOSOPHERS , ACT
ORS , MUSICIANS , PARTY-WORKERS , ACROBATS ; AND OF COURSE T
HE VICE-CHANCELLOR WHO IS A BIT OF EVERYTHING . $
04 A MIXED BUNCH . $
01 NOT REALLY . $
I MEAN , THEY 'RE ALL LOCAL RAD-LIB CELEBRITIES . $
IT WAS A VICTORY PARTY . $
04 YOU WERE  NOT CELEBRATING IT YOURSELF ? $
01 NO , I 'M NOT INTERESTED IN POLITICS . $
I WAS TRYING TO WRITE MY PAPER . $
#48 $
APART FROM BUNKING DOWN ON THE COUCH FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS A
T DAWN , I 'VE BEEN HARD AT IT . $
OH , I POPPED IN ONCE OR TWICE , MAINLY TO TELL THEM TO KEEP
 THE MUSIC DOWN . $
MY PAPER WAS NOT COMING WELL AND I ANTICIPATED A STRONGLY AR
GUED RIPOSTE FROM PROFESSOR MC FEE , WHO OBVIOUSLY THOUGHT H
E HAD THE MATTER WELL IN HAND SINCE HE WAS ONE OF THE PEOPLE
 ACTUALLY MAKING ALL THE NOISE . $
04 PROFESSOR MC FEE ? $
01 POFESSOR OF LOGIC , AND MY CHIEF ADVERSARY AT THE SYMPOSI
UM . $
A VERY GOOD MAN IN HIS WAY , THOUGH PERHAPS I SHOULD DESCRIB
E HIM AS GENERALLY APPROVED OF - HE DOESN'T , OF COURSE , BE
LIEVE IN GOOD AND BAD AS SUCH . $
04 REALLY ? $
HOW DO YOU MEAN ? $
01 HE THINKS GOOD AND BAD AREN'T ACTUALLY GOOD AND BAD IN AN
Y ABSOLUTE OR METAPHYSICAL SENSE , HE BELIEVES THEM TO BE CA
TEGORIES OF OUR OWN MAKING , SOCIAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL CONVEN
TIONS WHICH WE HAVE EVOLVED IN ORDER TO MAKE LIVING IN GROUP
S A PRACTICAL POSSIBILITY , IN MUCH THE SAME WAY AS WE HAVE
EVOLVED THE RULES OF TENNIS WITHOUT WHICH WIMBLEDON FORTNIGH
T WOULD BE A COMPLETE SHAMBLES , DO YOU SEE ? $
FOR EXAMPLE , MCFEE WOULD HOLD THAT WHEN WE SPEAK OF , SAY ,
 TELLING THE TRUTH AS BEING ' GOOD ' , AND , ER , CASUAL MUR
DER AS BEING ' BAD ' , YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO GO INTO ALL
THIS , DO YOU ? $
04 < ( HIS PENCIL POISED , HIS EYES WIDE ) > $
I AM ENTHRALLED . $
01 OH . $
WELL , IN SIMPLE TERMS HE BELIEVES THAT ON THE WHOLE PEOPLE
SHOULD TELL THE TRUTH ALL RIGHT , AND KEEP THEIR PROMISES ,
AND SO ON - BUT ON THE SOLE GROUNDS THAT IF EVERYBODY WENT A
ROUND TELLING LIES AND BREAKING THEIR WORD AS A MATTER OF CO
URSE , NORMAL LIFE WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE . $
OF COURSE , HE IS DEFINING NORMALITY IN TERMS OF THE TRUTH B
EING TOLD AND PROMISES BEING KEPT , ETCETERA , SO THE DEFINI
TION IS CIRCULAR AND NOT WORTH VERY MUCH , BUT THE POINT IS
IT ALLOWS HIM TO CONCLUDE THAT TELLING LIES IS NOT SINFUL BU
T SIMPLY ANTI-SOCIAL . $
04 AND MURDER ? $
01 AND MURDER , TOO , YES . $
04 HE THINKS THERE 'S NOTHING WRONG WITH KILLING PEOPLE ? $
01 WELL , PUT LIKE THAT , OF COURSE ... $
BUT PHILOSOPHICALLY , HE DOESN'T THINK IT 'S ACTUALLY , INHE
RENTLY WRONG IN ITSELF , NO . $
#49 $
04 < ( AMAZED ) > $
WHAT SORT OF PHILOSOPHY IS THAT ? $
01 MAINSTREAM , I 'D CALL IT . $
ORTHODOX MAINSTREAM . $
< ( BONES SCRATCHES HIS HEAD . $
GEORGE GAZES AT HIM INNOCENTLY . ) > $
04 HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE HIM - THIS MCFEE ? $
01 DUNCAN ? $
WELL , HE 'S COMPLETELY MAD , OF COURSE . $
THEY ALL ARE ... $
WELL , INSPECTOR , I 'M SORRY TO HAVE WASTED YOUR TIME , BUT
 I DON'T THINK THERE 'S ANY NEED TO TROUBLE YOU FURTHER . $
AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME IS HIS CASTLE , EH ? $
< ( HE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR . $
BONES IGNORES IT . ) > $
04 < ( WITH IRONY ) > $
IN THESE CASES , WE DO LIKE TO HAVE A LOOK AT THE SCENE OF T
HE CRIME - $
01 OH , REALLY ? $
WHAT FOR ? $
04 IT 'S TRADITIONAL ... $
WHERE CAN I FIND A VASE ? $
01 A VASE ? $
IN THE KITCHEN . $
04 ABOUT MAD MCFEE - HAS HE GOT A GUN ? $
01 I DON'T KNOW . $
I BELIEVE HE HAS A FISHING-ROD - $
OH NO , YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND . $
HE WOULDN'T KILL ANYONE . $
HE 'S AGAINST IT . $
HE THINKS IT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED . $
HE WOULD PREFER IT TO BE KEPT TO A MINIMUM . $
OTHERWISE - SHAMBLES . $
HE 'S NO MORE CAPABLE OF KILLING SOMEONE THAN THE ARCHBISHOP
 OF CANTERBURY . $
< ( SMALL PAUSE . ) > $
NOT AS CAPABLE . $
04 WELL , IF THAT 'S THE CASE , I DON'T SEE ANY DIFFERENCE W
HETHER HE THINKS HE 'S OBEYING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OR THE R
ULES OF TENNIS . $
01 THE DIFFERENCE IS , THE RULES OF TENNIS CAN BE CHANGED .
$
< ( IMMEDIATELY : PROCESSION MUSIC . $
PROCESSION ON SCREEN . $
LIGHT UP BEDROOM . $
BONES EXITS TO KITCHEN . $
GEORGE CLOSES THE FRONT DOOR . $
DOTTY HEARS THE DOOR . ) > $
02 ARCHIE ! $
< ( DOTTY HAS BEEN WATCHING THE TV SCREEN . $
THE JUMPER IS HIDDEN . $
GEORGE GOES TO THE BEDROOM DOOR , AND OPENS IT . ) > $
01 < ( FROM THE DOORWAY ) > $
IT 'S NOT ARCHIE , IT 'S THE POLICE . $
< ( DOTTY TURNS OFF THE TV . $
THE SCREEN GOES WHITE . ) > $
02 WHAT ? $
01 INSPECTOR BONES . $
IT 'S ABOUT LAST NIGHT . $
MALICIOUS COMPLAINTS . $
ALLEGATIONS . $
#50 $
02 WHAT SORT OF ALLEGATIONS ? $
01 < ( EMBARRASSED , PLAYING IT DOWN ) > $
ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL , APPARENTLY . $
TELL YOU LATER . $
< ( HE TRIES TO LEAVE , THE FIRST OF SEVERAL FALSE EXITS BY
HIM . $
DOTTY IS NUMB . ) > $
02 DID HE MENTION AN ACROBAT ? $
01 YES . $
DON'T WORRY , I 'LL SMOOTH HIM OVER . $
02 SMOOTH HIM OVER ? $
01 HE 'S GONE TO INSPECT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME . $
WHAT AN ABSURD FUSS . $
02 GEORGE ... YOU KNEW ABOUT IT ? $
< ( GEORGE MISTAKES HER GRATITUDE FOR SUSPICION . ) > $
01 LOOK , I 'M PERFECTLY WILLING TO TAKE THE BLAME . $
02 OH , GEORGE ... GEORGE ... WILL YOU ? $
< ( SHE KISSES HIM . ) > $
01 IF HE 'S GOING TO BE BLOODY-MINDED , I 'LL SHOOT HIM IN H
ERE . $
02 GEORGIE ! $
01 YOU CAN TRY YOUR CHARMS ON HIM . $
HE 'S DEAD KEEN TO MEET YOU . $
< ( FALSE EXIT ) > $
HE SEEMS QUITE INTERESTED IN PHILOSOPHY . $
02 OH ? $
01 YES . $
I THINK I CAN GET THROUGH TO HIM . $
GET HIM TO SEE THAT ONE CAN EASILY GET THINGS OUT OF PROPORT
ION . $
02 < ( ENTHUSIASTICALLY ) > $
THAT 'S JUST WHAT ARCHIE SAID ABOUT IT . $
01 < ( NODS , FALSE EXIT ) > $
SAID ABOUT WHAT ? $
02 WELL , ABOUT POOR DUNCAN MCFEE . $
01 WHAT ABOUT DUNCAN MCFEE ? $
02 THERE 'S NO NEED TO GET IT OUT OF PROPORTION . $
IT 'S A GREAT PITY , BUT IT 'S NOT AS THOUGH THE ALTERNATIVE
 WERE IMMORTALITY . $
01 < ( NODS ; STOPS NODDING ) > $
SORRY ? $
04 < ( OFF STAGE ) > $
HELLO ! $
< ( ENTERS FROM KITCHEN ) > $
< DOTTY PUSHES GEORGE OUT OF THE BEDROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR
. $
THE BEDROOM BLACKS OUT . $
GEORGE TURNS TO MEET BONES WHO HAS APPEARED AND IS COMING UP
STAGE , HIS FLOWERS NOW IN A METAL VASE . ) > $
04 TELL ME SOMETHING - $
WHO ARE THESE ACROBATS ? $
01 LOGICAL POSITIVISTS , MAINLY , WITH A LINGUISTIC ANALYST
OR TWO , A COUPLE OF BENTHAMITE UTILITARIANS ... LAPSED KANT
IANS AND EMPIRICISTS GENERALLY ... AND OF COURSE THE USUAL B
EHAVIOURISTS ... A MIXTURE OF THE MORE PHILOSOPHICAL MEMBERS
OF THE UNIVERSITY GYMNASTICS TEAM AND THE MORE GYMNASTIC MEM
BERS OF THE PHILOSOPHY SCHOOL . $
#51 $
THE CLOSE ASSOCIATION BETWEEN GYMNASTICS AND PHILOSOPHY IS I
 BELIEVE UNIQUE TO THIS UNIVERSITY AND OWES ITSELF TO THE VI
CE-CHANCELLOR , WHO IS OF COURSE A FIRST-RATE GYMNAST , THOU
GH AN INDIFFERENT PHILOSOPHER . $
< ( BONES STARES AT HIM AND THEN WALKS INTO THE STUDY AND SI
TS DOWN LIKE A MAN WHO NEEDS TO SIT DOWN . $
GEORGE FOLLOWS HIM . ) > $
A CURIOUS COMBINATION OF INTERESTS , BUT OF COURSE IN ANCIEN
T CLASSICAL GREECE -
04 WE ARE NOT IN ANCIENT BLOODY CLASSICAL GREECE . $
01 I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH YOU . $
IN FACT , I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT . $
AND IN SPITE OF THE VICE-CHANCELLOR'S INSISTENCE THAT I CAN
JUMP BETTER THAN I THINK , I HAVE ALWAYS MAINTAINED THE OPPO
SITE TO BE THE CASE ... $
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES I WAS LUCKY TO GET THE CHAIR OF MORAL P
HILOSOPHY . $
< ( HIS TONE SUGGESTS , RIGHTLY , THAT THIS IS NOT MUCH OF A
 PRIZE . ) > $
ONLY THE CHAIR OF DIVINITY LIES FURTHER BELOW THE SALT , AND
 THAT 'S BEEN VACANT FOR SIX MONTHS SINCE THE LAST OCCUPANT
 ACCEPTED A POSITION AS CURATE IN A WEST MIDLAND DIOCESE . $
04 THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU ... JUMP ALONG WITH THE REST ? $
01 I BELONG TO A SCHOOL WHICH REGARDS ALL SUDDEN MOVEMENTS A
S ILL-BRED . $
ON THE OTHER HAND , MCFEE , WHO SEES PROFESSORSHIP AS A LICE
NCE FOR ECCENTRICITY , AND WHOSE CHIEF DELUSION IS THAT EDIN
BURGH IS THE ATHENS OF THE NORTH , VERY SOON LEARNED TO JUMP
 A GREAT DEAL BETTER THAN HE EVER THOUGHT , AND WAS REWARDED
WITH THE CHAIR OF LOGIC . $
04 ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THE PROFESSOR OF LOGIC IS A PART-
TIME ACROBAT ? $
01 YES . $
MORE OF A GYMNAST , REALLY - THE ACROBATICS ARE JUST THE SOC
IAL SIDE . $
04 I FIND THIS VERY HARD TO BELIEVE . $
01 OH , REALLY ? $
WHY 'S THAT ? $
04 < ( RISING ) > $
I DON'T LIKE IT , CLARENCE ! $
THE WAY I HAD IT , SOME RAVING NUTTER PHONES UP THE STATION
WITH A LOT OF BIZARRE ALLEGATIONS STARTING OFF WITH A FEMALE
 PERSON SWINGING NAKED FROM THE CHANDELIERS AT DOROTHY MOORE
'S MAYFAIR RESIDENCE AND ENDING UP WITH A PROFESSOR PICKED O
FF WHILE DOING HANDSPRINGS FOR THE CABARET , AND AS FAR AS I
 'M CONCERNED IT 'S GOT FRUIT-CAKE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT ; SO
I TELL MY SERGEANT TO HAVE A CUP OF TEA AND OFF I GO THINKIN
G TO MYSELF , AT LAST A CHANCE TO PAY MY RESPECTS IN PERSON
 , AND BLOW ME IF IT DOESN'T START TO LOOK STRAIGHT UP AS SO
ON AS I PUT ONE FOOT IN THE DOOR - $
#52 $
DON'T GO , WILL YOU ? $
< ( HE HAS MOVED TO THE DOOR , WITH HIS VASE OF FLOWERS , AN
D LEAVES , CLOSING THE STUDY DOOR BEHIND HIM . $
IN FRONT OF THE BEDROOM DOOR , HE BRIEFLY SMOOTHS HIS HAIR ,
 BRUSHES HIS LAPELS WITH HIS HANDS , BRINGS OUT THE GRAMOPHO
NE RECORD ( WHICH HAS A PICTURE OF DOTTY ON IT ) , AND KNOCK
S ON THE BEDROOM DOOR , A MERE TAP , AND ENTERS THE BEDROOM
. $
THE LIGHT IS ROMANTIC : PINK CURTAINS HAVE BEEN DRAWN ACROSS
 THE FRENCH WINDOW , AND THERE IS A ROSY HUE TO THE LIGHTING
 . $
DOTTY , GOWNED , COIFFED , STUNNING , RISES TO FACE THE INSP
ECTOR . $
MUSIC IS HEARD ... ROMANTIC MOZARTIAN TRUMPETS , TRIUMPHANT
. $
DOTTY AND BONES FACE EACH OTHER , FROZEN LIKE LOVERS IN A DR
EAM . $
BONES RAISES HIS HEAD SLIGHTLY , AND THE TRUMPETS ARE SUCCEE
DED BY A LOUD ANIMAL BRAY , A MATING CALL . $
DOTTY , HER ARMS OUT TOWARDS HIM , BREATHES , ' INSPECTOR ..
. ' LIKE A VERBAL CARESS . $
FROM BONES'S LIFELESS FINGERS , THE VASE DROPS . $
THERE IS A NOISE SUCH AS WOULD HAVE BEEN MADE HAD HE DROPPED
 IT DOWN A LONG FLIGHT OF STONE STAIRS . $
BONES IS DUMBSTRUCK . $
DOTTY LETS GO A LONG SLOW SMILE : ' INSPECTOR ... ' $
FROM BEHIND THE CLOSED CURTAINS , THE STIFF DEAD JUMPER FALL
S INTO THE ROOM LIKE A TOO-HASTILY-LEANED PLANK . $
QUICK FADE TO BLACKOUT , IN BEDROOM ONLY . $
NONE OF THE SOUNDS HAVE BEEN IMAGINARY : THEY HAVE COME FROM
 GEORGE'S COINCIDENTAL TAPE-RECORDER , WHICH HE NOW SWITCHES
 OFF AND REWINDS SLIGHTLY , GEORGE PICKS UP HIS MANUSCRIPT ,
 SNAPS HIS FINGERS AT THE SECRETARY , AND STARTS OFF . ) > $
01 PROFESSOR MCFEE'S INTRODUCTORY PAPER , WHICH IT IS MY PRI
VILEGE TO DISPUTE , HAS I THINK BEEN DISTRIBUTED TO ALL OF Y
OU . $
IN AN IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF GYMNASTICS , HO HO , THANK YOU ,
, PROFESSOR MCFEE BENDS OVER BACKWARDS TO DEMONSTRATE THAT M
ORAL JUDGEMENTS BELONG TO THE SAME CLASS AS AESTHETIC JUDGEM
ENTS ; THAT THE PHRASES ' GOOD MAN ' AND ' GOOD MUSIC ' ARE
PREJUDICED IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY ; IN SHORT , THAT GOODNES
EW . $
#53 $
BY DISCREDITING THE IDEA OF BEAUTY AS AN AESTHETIC ABSOLUTE
, HE HOPES TO DESCREDIT BY ASSOCIATION , THE IDEA OF GOODNES
S AS A MORAL ABSOLUTE AND AS A FIRST STEP HE DIRECTS US TO L
ISTEN TO DIFFERENT KINDS OF MUSIC . $
< ( HE REACHES FOR THE TAPE-RECORDER . ) > $
PROFESSOR MCFEE REFERS US IN PARTICULAR TO THE IDEA OF BEAUT
Y AS CONCEIVED BY MOZART ON THE ONE HAND , AND HERE I AM GLA
D TO BE ABLE TO ASSIST HIM ... $
< ( PLAYS THE MOZART AGAIN , VERY BRIEF . ) > $
... AND , ON THE OTHER HAND  , AS CONCEIVED BY A GROUP OF MU
SICIANS PLAYING AT A WEDDING FEAST IN A PART OF EQUATORIAL A
FRICA VISITED ONLY BY THE MAKERS OF TELEVISION DOCUMENTARIES
, ONE OF WHICH THE PROFESSOR HAPPENED TO SEE ON A RARE OCCAS
ION WHEN HE WASN'T OUT AND ABOUT JUMPING THROUGH THE VICE-CH
ANCELLOR'S HOOP , I CAN'T SAY THAT , ONE OF WHICH HE HAPPENE
D TO SEE . $
HE INVITES US TO AGREE WITH HIM THAT BEAUTY IS A DIVERSE NOT
ION AND NOT A UNIVERSAL ONE . $
PERSONALLY , I WOULD HAVE AGREED TO THIS WITHOUT DEMUR , BUT
THE PROFESSOR , WHOSE READING IS AS WIDE AS HIS JUMPING IS H
IGH ... $
< ( THE SECRETARY RAISES HER HEAD . ) > $
... ALL RIGHT , ALL RIGHT , THE PROFESSOR BOLSTERS UP HIS AR
GUMENT WITH VARIOUS LITERARY REFERENCES INCLUDING A TELLING
EXTRACT FROM TARZAN OF THE APES IN WHICH THE BOY TARZAN ON S
EEING HIS FACE FOR THE FIRST TIME REFLECTED IN A JUNGLE POOL
 , BEWAILS HIS HUMAN UGLINESS AS COMPARED TO THE BEAUTY OF T
HE APES AMONG WHOM HE HAD GROWN UP . $
I WON'T DWELL ON PROFESSOR MCFEE'S INABILITY TO DISTINGUISH
BETWEEN FACT AND FICTION , BUT AS REGARDS THE MUSICAL REFERE
NCES IT MIGHT BE WORTH POINTING OUT THAT THE SOUNDS MADE BY
MOZART AND THE AFRICANS MIGHT HAVE CERTAIN THINGS IN COMMON
WHICH ARE NOT SHARED BY THE SOUND OF , SAY , A BUCKET OF COA
L BEING EMPTIED ON TO A TIN ROOF . $
INDEED , I HAVE BROUGHT WITH ME TONIGHT TWO FURTHER TRUMPET
RECORDINGS , STARTING OFF WITH THE TRUMPETING OF AN ELEPHANT
 ... $
< ( HE PLAYS THE BRAYING SOUND HEARD BEFORE . ) > $
... AND I INVITE PROFESSOR MCFEE TO ADMIT THAT THE DIFFERENC
E BETWEEN THAT AND HIS BELOVED MOZART MAY OWE MORE TO SOME M
YSTERIOUS PROPERTY OF THE MUSIC THAN TO HIS CLASSICALLY TRAI
NED EAR . $
#54 $
ANTICIPATING HIS REPLY THAT THE LATTER SOUND IS MORE BEAUTIF
UL TO AN ELEPHANT , I RIPOSTE WITH ... $
< ( HE PLAYS THE REMAINING SOUND , AS HEARD BEFORE . ) > $
... WHICH IS THE SOUND MADE BY A TRUMPET FALLING DOWN A FLIG
HT OF STONE STAIRS . $
HOWEVER , IT IS NOT MY PRESENT CONCERN TO DISPUTE PROFESSOR
MCFEE'S VIEW ON AESTHETICS BUT ONLY TO MAKE CLEAR WHAT THOSE
 VIEWS MUST LEAD HIM TO , AND THEY LEAD HIM TO THE CONCLUSIO
N THAT IF THE THREE SETS OF NOISES WHICH WE MIGHT LABEL ' MO
ZART ' , ' ELEPHANT ' AND ' STAIRS ' , WERE PLAYING IN AN EM
PTY ROOM WHERE NO ONE COULD HEAR THEM , THEN IT COULD NOT BE
 SAID THAT WITHIN THE ROOM ANY ONE SET OF NOISES WAS IN ANY
WAY SUPERIOR TO EITHER OF THE OTHER TWO . $
WHICH MAY , OF COURSE , BE THE CASE , BUT PROFESSOR MCFEE DO
ES NOT STAY TO CONSIDER SUCH A REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM , FOR HE
 HAS BIGGER FISH TO FRY , AND SO HE GOES ON TO SHOW , LIKEWI
SE BUT AT EVEN GREATER LENGTH , THAT THE WORD ' GOOD ' HAS
ALSO MEANT DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT DIFFERENT
 TIMES , AN EXERCISE WHICH COMBINES SIMPLICITY WITH FUTILITY
 IN A MEASURE HE DOES NOT APPARENTLY SUSPECT , FOR ON THE ON
E HAND IT IS NOT A STATEMENT WHICH ANYONE WOULD DISPUTE , AN
D ON THE OTHER , NOTHING USEFUL CAN BE INFERRED FROM IT . $
IT IS NOT IN FACT A STATEMENT ABOUT VALUE AT ALL ; IT IS A S
TATEMENT ABOUT  LANGUAGE AND HOW IT IS USED IN A PARTICULAR
SOCIETY . $
NEVERTHELESS , UP THIS DEEPLY-RUTTED GARDEN PATH , PROFESSOR
 MCFEE LEADS US , POINTING OUT ITEMS OF INTEREST ALONG THE W
AY ... THE TRIBE WHICH KILLS ITS SICKLY INFANTS , THE TRIBE
 WHICH EATS ITS AGED PARENTS ; AND SO ON , WITHOUT PAUSING T
O WONDER WHETHER THE CONDITIONS OF GROUP SURVIVAL OR THE NOT
ION OF FILIAL HOMAGE MIGHT BE ONE THING AMONG THE NOMADS OF
THE ATLAS MOUNTAINS OR IN A BRAZILIAN RAIN FOREST , AND QUIT
E ANOTHER IN THE HOME COUNTIES . $
CERTAINLY A TRIBE WHICH BELIEVES IT CONFERS HONOUR ON ITS EL
DERS BY EATING THEM IS GOING TO BE VIEWED ASKANCE BY ANOTHER
 WHICH PREFERS TO BUY THEM A LITTLE BUNGALOW SOMEWHERE , AND
 PROFESSOR MCFEE SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED THAT THE NOTION OF
HONOUR SHOULD MANIFEST ITSELF SO DIFFERENTLY IN PEOPLES SO F
AR REMOVED IN CLIME AND IN CULTURE . $
WHAT IS SURELY MORE SURPRISING IS THAT NOTIONS SUCH AS HONOU
R SHOULD MANIFEST THEMSELVES AT ALL . $
#55 $
FOR WHAT IS HONOUR ? $
WHAT ARE PRIDE , SHAME , FELLOW-FEELING , GENEROSITY AND LOV
E ? $
IF THEY ARE INSTINCTS, WHAT ARE INSTINCTS ? $
THE PREVAILING TEMPER OF MODERN PHILOSOPHY IS TO TREAT THE I
NSTINCT AS A SORT OF TERMINUS FOR ANY TRAIN OF THOUGHT THAT
SEEKS TO TRACE OUR IMPULSES TO THEIR ORIGINS . $
BUT WHAT CAN BE SAID TO BE THE IMPULSE OF A GENUINELY ALTRUI
STIC ACT ? $
HOBBES MIGHT HAVE ANSWERED SELF-ESTEEM , BUT WHAT IS THE ATT
RACTION OR THE POINT IN THINKING BETTER OF ONESELF ? $
WHAT IS BETTER ? $
A SAVAGE WHO ELECTS TO HONOUR HIS FATHER BY EATING HIM AS OP
POSED TO DISPOSING OF THE BODY IN SOME - TO HIM - IGNOMINIOU
S WAY , FOR EXAMPLE BY BURYING IT IN A TEAK BOX , IS MAKING
AN ETHICAL CHOICE IN THAT HE BELIEVES HIMSELF TO BE ACTING A
S A GOOD SAVAGE OUGHT TO ACT . $
WHENCE COMES THIS SENSE OF SOME ACTIONS BEING BETTER THAN OT
HERS ? - NOT MORE USEFUL , OR MORE CONVENIENT , OR MORE POPU
LAR , BUT SIMPLY POINTLESSLY BETTER ? $
WHAT , IN SHORT , IS SO GOOD ABOUT GOOD ? $
T SITUATIONS DIFFERENT ACTIONS WILL BE DEEMED , RIGHTLY OR W
RONGLY , TO BE CONDUCIVE TO THAT GOOD WHICH IS INDEPENDENT O
F TIME AND PLACE AND WHICH IS KNOWABLE BUT NOT NAMEABLE . $
IT IS  NOT NAMEABLE BECAUSE IT IS NOT ANOTHER WAY OR REFERRI
NG TO THIS OR THAT QUALITY WHICH WE HAVE DECIDED IS VIRTUOUS
 . $
IT IS NOT COURAGE , AND IT IS NOT HONESTY OR LOYALTY OR KIND
NESS . $
THE IRREDUCIBLE FACT OF GOODNESS IS NOT IMPLICIT IN ONE KIND
 OF ACTION ANY MORE THAN IN ITS OPPOSITE , BUT IN THE EXISTE
NCE OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO . $
IT IS THE SENSE OF COMPARISONS BEING IN ORDER . $
< ( MUSIC ! $
LIGHTS ! $
DOROTHY MOORE - IN PERSON ! $
... IN FACT , A TRACK FROM DOTTY'S RECORD , PLAYING IN THE
BEDROOM , AND DOTTY SWINGING AND MIMING TO IT , AS BONES LEA
VES THE BEDROOM , THE OPENING OF THE DOOR TRIGGERING OFF THE
 SCENE . $
GEORGE ALSO GOES INTO THE HALL , WHERE HE MEETS BONES . $
WE CAN'T HEAR WHAT THEY SAY BECAUSE THE MUSIC IS LOUD . $
GEORGE TAKES BONES DOWNSTAGE TO THE KITCHEN EXIT , AND GOES
OFF WITH HIM . $
DOTTY CONTINUES TO SWAY AND MIME : THE SONG IS ' SENTIMENTAL
JOURNEY ' . $
THE DEAD JUMPER IS WHERE HE FELL . $
THE SECRETARY MOVES TO THE TYPEWRITER . $
#56 $
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND ARCHIE ENTERS , AND STOPS JUST INSI
DE THE DOOR , ALMOST CLOSING IT BEHIND HIM . $
HE STANDS LISTENING - AN IMPRESSIVE FIGURE , EXQUISITELY DRE
SSED : ORCHID IN BUTTONHOLE , CIGARETTE IN LONG BLACK HOLDER
 , AND EVERYTHING WHICH THOSE DETAILS SUGGEST . $
HE CAREFULLY OPENS THE DOOR OF THE STUDY . $
THE SECRETARY LOOKS UP . $
SHE NODS AT HIM , BUT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DRAW ANY CONCLUSIO
NS FROM THAT . $
ARCHIE WITHDRAWS , CLOSING THE DOOR . $
HE COMES DOWNSTAGE AND LOOKS ALONG THE CORRIDOR INTO THE KIT
CHEN WING . $
HE RETURNS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT WIDE . $
SEVEN JUMPERS IN YELLOW TRACKSUITS ENTER SMOOTHLY . $
FOUR OF THEM CARRY A MACHINE OF AMBIGUOUS PURPOSE : IT MIGHT
 BE A TELEVISION CAMERA . $
THEY ALSO CARRY A COUPLE OF LIGHTS ON TALL STANDS , SUITABLE
 FOR FILMING ( THESE ITEMS MAY BE ALL IN ONE BOX ) . $
SIX ENTER THE BEDROOM , ARCHIE OPENING THE DOOR FOR THEM . $
ONE JUMPER GOES DOWNSTAGE TO WATCH THE KITCHEN EXIT . $
IN THE BEDROOM , DOTTY IS SURPRISED BUT PLEASED BY THE ENTRY
 OF ARCHIE AND THE JUMPERS . $
THEY PUT DOWN THE ' CAMERA ' AND THE LIGHTS . $
THEY HAVE COME TO REMOVE THE BODY . $
THE SONG DOMINATES THE WHOLE SCENE . $
NOTHING ELSE CAN BE HEARD , AND ITS BEAT INFECTS THE BUSINES
S OF REMOVING THE BODY , FOR DOTTY CONTINUES TO SWAY AND SNA
P HER FINGERS AS SHE MOVES ABOUT WELCOMING THE TROOPS , AND
THE JUMPERS LIGHTLY RESPOND , SO THAT THE EFFECT IS A LITTLE
 SIMPLE IMPROVISED CHOREOGRAPHY BETWEEN THE JUMPERS AND DOTT
Y . $
ARCHIE MOVES DOWNSTAGE , FACING FRONT , AND LIKE A MAGICIAN
ABOUT TO DEMONSTRATE A TRICK , TAKES FROM HIS POCKET A SMALL
 SQUARE OF MATERIAL LIKE A HANDKERCHIEF , WHICH HE UNFOLDS
AND UNFOLDS AND UNFOLDS UNTIL IT IS A LARGE PLASTIC BAG , SI
X-FEET TALL , WHICH HE GIVES TO TWO JUMPERS . $
THESE TWO HOLD THE MOUTH OF THE BAG OPEN AT THE DOOR ; AS TH
E CLIMAX OF THE ' DANCE ' THE FOUR JUMPERS THROW THE BODY IN
TO THE BAG : BAG CLOSES , BEDROOM DOOR CLOSES , JUMPERS MOVI
NG SMOOTHLY , FRONT DOOR CLOSES , AND ON THE LAST BEAT OF TH
E SONG , ONLY ARCHIE AND DOTTY ARE LEFT ON STAGE . ) > $
< BLACKOUT > $
< END OF ACT ONE > $
#57 $
< ACT TWO > $
< THE BEDROOMM IS BLACKED OUT , BUT MUSIC STILL COMES FROM I
T - PRESUMABLY THE NEXT TRACK ON THE ALBUM . $
ONLY A MINUTE OR TWO HAVE PASSED . $
BONES APPEARS FROM THE KITCHEN ENTRANCE . $
HE IS PUSHING A WELL-LADEN DINNER-TROLLEY IN FRONT OF HIM .
$
IT HAS ON IT A COVERED CASSEROLE DISH , A BOTTLE OF WINE IN
AN ICE BUCKET , TWO GLASSES , TWO PLATES , TWO OF EVERYTHING
 ... DINNER FOR TWO IN FACT , AND VERY ELEGANT . $
HE IS FOLLOWED BY GEORGE HOLDING A COUPLE OF LETTUCE LEAVES
AND A CARROT , WHICH HE NIBBLES ABSENTLY . > $
01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN , ' WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE ? ' $
HE LOOKS LIKE A RABBIT WITH LONG LEGS . $
< ( BUT BONES HAS STOPPED , LISTENING TO DOTTY'S VOICE , RAT
HER AS A  MAN MIGHT PAUSE IN ST PETER'S ON HEARING CHORISTER
S ... ) > $
04 THAT WAS IT ... $
THAT WAS THE ONE SHE WAS SINGING ... $
I REMEMBER HOW HER VOICE FALTERED , I SAW THE TEARS SPRING I
NTO HER EYES , THE SOBS SHAKING HER BREAST ... AND THAT AWFU
L LAUGHING SCREAM AS THEY BROUGHT THE CURTAIN DOWN ON THE FI
RST LADY OF THE MUSICAL STAGE - NEVER TO RISE AGAIN ! $
OH YES , THERE ARE MANY STARS IN THE WEST END NIGHT , BUT TH
ERE 'S ONLY EVER BEEN ONE DOROTHY MOORE ... $
01 YES , I MUST SAY I ENVY HER THAT . $
THERE HAVE NOT BEEN SO MANY PHILOSOPHERS , BUT TWO OF THEM H
AVE BEEN GEORGE MOORE , AND IT TENDS TO DISSIPATE THE IMPACT
 OF ONE'S NAME . $
BUT FOR THAT , I THINK MY BOOK CONCEPTUAL PROBLEMS OF KNOWLE
DGE AND MIND WOULD HAVE CAUSED QUITE A STIR . $
#58 $
04 ANY CHANCE OF A COME-BACK , SIR ? $
01 WELL , I 'M STILL HOPING TO FIND A PUBLISHER FOR IT . $
I HAVE ALSO MADE A COLLECTION OF MY ESSAYS UNDER THE TITLE ,
 LANGUAGE , TRUTH AND GOD . $
AN AMERICAN PUBLISHER HAS EXPRESSED AN INTEREST BUT HE WANTS
 TO EDIT IT HIMSELF AND CHANGE THE TITLE TO YOU BETTER BELIE
VE IT ... $
I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE NO WORSE THAN BENEFITTING FROM MY WIFE
'S GRAMOPHONE RECORDS . $
04 A CONSUMMATE ARTIST , SIR . $
I FELT IT DEEPLY WHEN SHE RETIRED . $
01 UNFORTUNATELY SHE RETIRED FROM CONSUMMATION ABOUT THE SAM
E TIME AS SHE RETIRED FROM ARTISTRY . $
01 QUITE . $
SHE JUST WENT OFF IT . $
I DON'T KNOW WHY . $
04 < ( COMING ROUND TO HIM AT LAST ) > $
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ME , SIR . $
YOU CAN'T KEEP MUCH FROM HER HARD-CORE FANS . $
ACTUALLY , I HAD A BROTHER WHO HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN . $
IT 'S A TERRIBLE THING . $
IT 'S THE PRESSURE YOU KNOW . $
THE APPALLING PRESSURE OF BEING A STAR . $
01 WAS YOUR BROTHER A STAR ? $
04 NO , HE WAS AN OSTEOPATH . $
BONES THE BONES , THEY CALLED HIM . $
EVERY PATIENT HAD TO MAKE A LITTLE JOKE . $
IT DROVE HIM MAD , FINALLY . $
< ( THEY HAVE BEEN APPROACHING THE BEDROOM DOOR , BUT BONES
SUDDENLY ABANDONS THE TROLLEY AND TAKES GEORGE DOWNSTAGE . )
 > $
< ( EARNESTLY ) > $
YOU SEE , DOROTHY IS A DELICATE CREATURE , LIKE A LUSTROUS-E
YED LITTLE BIRD YOU COULD HOLD IN YOUR HAND , FEELING ITS LI
TTLE BRITTLE BONES THROUGH ITS VELVETY SKIN - VULNERABLE , Y
OU UNDERSTAND ; HIGHLY STRUNG . $
NO WONDER SHE BROKE UNDER THE STRAIN . $
AND YOU DON'T GET OVER IT , JUST LIKE THAT . $
IT CAN GO ON FOR YEARS , THE EFFECT , AFTERWARDS - BUILDING
UP AGAIN , UNDERNEATH , UNTIL , ONE DAY - SNAP ! - DO SOMETH
ING VIOLENT PERHAPS , QUITE OUT OF CHARACTER , YOU KNOW WHAT
 I MEAN ? $
IT WOULD BE LIKE A BLACKOUT . $
SHE WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS DOING . $
< ( HE GRIPS GEORGE'S ELBOW . ) > $
AND I SHOULD THINK THAT ANY COMPETENT OR , BETTER STILL , EM
INENT PSYCHIATRIC EXPERT WITNESS WOULD BE PREPARED TO SAY SO
 . $
OF COURSE , HE WOULDN'T BE CHEAP , BUT IT CAN BE DONE , DO Y
OU FOLLOW ME ? $
01 < ( PUZZLED ) > $
I 'M NOT SURE THAT I DO . $
#59 $
04 WELL , YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING , AND YO
U SAY YOU ARE WHOLLY RESPONSIBLE , BUT - $
01 ARE YOU STILL GOING ON ABOUT THAT ? - FOR GOODNESS SAKE ,
 I JUST LOST MY TEMPER FOR A MOMENT , THAT 'S ALL , AND TOOK
 MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS . $
04 BECAUSE OF THE NOISE ? $
01 EXACTLY . $
04 DON'T YOU THINK IT WAS A BIT EXTREME ? $
01 YES , YES , I SUPPOSE IT WAS A BIT . $
04 WON'T WASH , WILFRED . $
I BELIEVE YOU ARE TRYING TO SHIELD HER . $
01 SHIELD WHO ? $
04 IT 'S QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE . $
IS THERE A MAN WHO COULD STAND ASIDE WHEN THIS FAIR CREATURE
 IS IN TROUBLE - $
01 AREN'T YOU GETTING A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY ? $
THE POINT IS , SURELY , THAT I 'M THE HOUSEHOLDER AND I MUST
 BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS IN MY HOUSE . $
04 I DON'T THINK THE BURDEN OF BEING A HOUSEHOLDER EXTENDS T
O RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY CRIME COMMITTED ON THE PREMISES . $
01 CRIME ? $
YOU CALL THAT A CRIME ? $
04 < ( WITH MORE HEAT ) > $
WELL , WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT ? $
01 IT WAS JUST A BIT OF FUN ! $
WHERE 'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR , MAN ? $
04 < ( STAGGERED ) > $
I DON'T KNOW , YOU BLOODY PHILOSOPHERS ARE ALL THE SAME , AR
EN'T YOU ? $
A MAN IS DEAD AND YOU 'RE AS COOL AS YOU LIKE . $
YOUR WIFE BEGGED ME WITH TEARS IN HER EYES TO GO EASY ON YOU
 , AND I DON'T MIND ADMITTING I WAS DEEPLY MOVED - $
01 EXCUSE ME - $
04 < ( ANGRILY ) > $
BUT YOU 'RE WASTED ON HER , MATE . $
WHAT ON EARTH MADE HER MARRY YOU , I 'LL NEVER KNOW , WHEN T
HERE ARE SO MANY BETTER MEN - DECENT , STRONG , PROTECTIVE ,
 UNDERSTANDING , SENSITIVE - $
01 DID YOU SAY SOMEBODY WAS DEAD ? $
04 STONE DEAD , IN THE BEDROOM . $
01 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS . $
04 THE BODY IS LYING ON THE FLOOR ! $
01 < ( GOING TO DOOR ) > $
YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY TAKEN LEAVE OF YOUR SENSES . $
#60 $
04 DON'T TOUCH IT ! - IT WILL HAVE TO BE EXAMINED FOR FINGER
PRINTS . $
01 IF THERE IS A BODY ON THE FLOOR , IT WILL HAVE MY FOOTPRI
NTS ON IT . $
< ( HE OPENS THE BEDROOM DOOR . $
IN THE BEDROOM , DOTTY IS SITTING ON THE BED . $
ARCHIE IS KNEELING AT HER FEET , HOLDING ONE OF HER HANDS TO
 HIS LIPS . $
THEY TAKE NO NOTICE OF GEORGE , WHO , AFTER A PAUSE , RETIRE
S , CLOSING THE DOOR AGAIN , AND RETURNING TO BONES WHO HAS
GONE BACK TO RETRIEVE THE DINNER-TROLLEY . $
GEORGE HAS UNWITTINGLY WITNESSED PART OF A CHARADE : ARCHIE'
S KISS BEING NOW FOLLOWED BY THE MIMED DRAWING AND ERASING O
F A LETTER 'S' , TO PROVIDE THE LAST SYLLABLE OF ' SOFTLY '
SOFTLY , CATCHEE MONKEY ' . $
THIS HARMLESS ACTIVITY CONTINUES IN THE BEDROOM . ) > $
WELL , HE 'S VERY MUCH ALIVE NOW . $
04 SIR ? $
02 < ( TO ARCHIE ) > $
PRAY KISS ? $
< ( ARCHIE SHAKES HIS HEAD . ) > $
01 IT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF HER GAMES . $
04 GAME ? $
02 DO THE LAST BIT AGAIN . $
< ( ARCHIE RETREATS INTO POSITION ; FOR KNEEL AND KISS . ) >
 $
01 YES . $
WHAT YOU SAW . $
MY WIFE IS ... NOT WELL , SHE LIKES TO PLAY GAMES ... CHARAD
ES ... $
02 FROM THE BEGINNING . $
01 ... AND SIR ARCHIBALD , WHO IS AS MAD AS A HATTER , IS NO
TORIOUS FOR HIS SENSE OF HUMOUR , AND FOR MUCH ELSE . $
< ( TIGHTLY , AS HE MOVES INTO HIS STUDY AND CLOSES THE DOOR
 . ) > $
03 FROM THE BEGINNING . $
< ( ARCHIE HAS RETREATED TO BEGIN THE MIME . $
BONES WHEELS THE TROLLEY AS FAR AS THE BEDROOM DOOR , OPENS
THE DOOR , LEAVING TROLLEY OUTSIDE . $
BONES WATCHES THE MIME TO ITS END . ) > $
02 QUIETLY , TIP-TOE , CATCH THE PRIEST-KI ? $
04 < ( JEALOUSLY ) > $
SOFTLY , SOFTLY , CATCHEE MONKEY ! $
03 CORRECT . $
AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE ? $
02 LUNCH AND BONESY ! $
ISN'T HE SWEET ? $
03 CHARMING . $
WHAT HAPPENED TO MRS WHATSERNAME ? $
#61 $
02 NO , NO , IT 'S BONESY ! $
< ( SHE DRAWS THE TROLLEY THROUGH THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT . )
 > $
FEAR NOTHING ! THE POLICE ARE NEVER FAR AWAY ! $
04 INSPECTOR BONES , C.I.D. $
03 BONES ... ? $
I HAD A PATIENT NAMED BONES . $
I WONDER IF HE WAS ANY RELATION ? - AN OSTEOPATH . $
04 MY BROTHER ! $
03 REMEMBER THE CASE WELL . $
COGNOMEN SYNDROME . $
MY ADVICE TO HIM WAS TO TAKE HIS WIFE'S MAIDEN NAME OF FOOT
AND CARRY ON FROM THERE . $
04 HE TOOK YOUR ADVICE BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE GOT INTERESTED
IN CHIROPODY . $
HE IS NOW IN AN ASYLUM NEAR UXBRIDGE . $
I MUST WRITE HIM UP . $
THE COGNOMEN SYNDROME IS MY BABY , YOU KNOW . $
04 YOU DISCOVERED IT ? $
03 I 'VE GOT IT . $
JUMPER 'S THE NAME - MY CARD . $
04 < ( READING OFF CARD ) > $
' SIR ARCHIBALD JUMPER , M.D. , D. PHIL . , D. LITT. , L.D.
, D.P.M. , D.P.T. ( GYM ) ' . $
... WHAT 'S ALL THAT ? $
03 I 'M A DOCTOR OF MEDICINE , PHILOSOPHY , LITERATURE AND L
AW , WITH DIPLOMAS IN PSYCHOLOGICAL MEDICINE AND P.T. INCLUD
ING GYN . $
04 < ( HANDING BACK THE CARD ) > $
I SEE THAT YOU ARE THE VICE-CHANCELLOR OF PROFESSOR MOORE'S
UNIVERSITY . $
03 NOT A BAD RECORD , IS IT ? $
AND I CAN STILL JUMP OVER SEVEN FEET . $
04 HIGH JUMP ? $
03 LONG JUMP . $
MY MAIN INTEREST , HOWEVER , IS THE TRAMPOLINE . $
04 MINE IS SHOW BUSINESS GENERALLY . $
03 REALLY ? $
WELL , NOWADAYS , OF COURSE , I DO MORE THEORY THAN PRACTICE
 , BUT IF TRAMPOLINE ACTS APPEAL TO YOU AT ALL , A VACANCY H
AS LATELY OCCURRED IN A LITTLE TEAM I RUN , MAINLY FOR OUR O
WN AMUSEMENT WITH A FEW SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS THROWN IN - $
04 JUST A MINUTE , JUST A MINUTE ! - WHAT HAPPENED TO PROFES
SOR MCFEE ? $
03 EXACTLY . $
I REGRET TO TELL YOU HE IS DEAD . $
04 I REALIZE HE IS DEAD - $
#62 $
SHOCKING TRAGEDY . $
I AM ENTIRELY TO BLAME . $
04 YOU , SIR ? $
03 YES , INSPECTOR . $
04 VERY CHIVALROUS , SIR , BUT I 'M AFRAID IT WON'T WASH . $
< ( HE APPROACHES DOTTY SOLEMNLY AND TAKES HER HAND . ) > $
MISS MOORE , IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WISH TO SAY AT THIS STAGE
 ? $
02 < ( IN THE SENSE OF ' PARDON ? ' ) > $
SORRY ? $
04 MY DEAR , WE ARE ALL SORRY - $
03 JUST A MOMENT ! $
I WILL NOT HAVE A PATIENT OF MINE BROWBEATEN BY THE POLICE .
 $
04 PATIENT ? $
03 YES - AS YOU CAN SEE I HAVE COME TO TAKE A DERMATOGRAPHIC
AL READING . $
04 < ( INDICATING THE MACHINE ) > $
THIS ? $
WHAT DOES IT DO ? $
03 IT READS THE SKIN , ELECTRONICALLY ; HENCE , DERMATOGRAPH
 . $
ALL KINDS OF DISTURBANCES UNDER THE SKIN SHOW UP ON THE SURF
ACE , IF WE CAN LEARN TO READ IT , AND WE ARE LEARNING . $
04 DISTURBANCES ? $
MENTAL DISTURBANCES ? $
03 AMONG OTHER THINGS . $
04 < ( A NEW INTIMACY ) > $
SIR JIM - $
03 ARCHIE - $
04 SIR ARCHIE , MIGHT I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU , IN PRIVATE ?
$
03 JUST WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO SUGGEST . $
< ( HE OPENS THE BEDROOM DOOR . ) > $
SHALL WE STEP OUTSIDE ... ? $
< ( BONES STEPS INTO THE HALL ) > $
02 ... THINGS DON'T SEEM SO BAD AFTER ALL . $
SO TO SPEAK . $
< ( ARCHIE FOLLOWS BONES INTO THE HALL . $
FADE OUT ON BEDROOM . $
ARCHIE AND BONES MOVE TOWARDS KITCHEN EXIT . ) > $
04 THIS IS JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME , SIGMUND . $
I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS ONLY TOO WELL . $
WHAT DECENT MAN COULD STAND ASIDE WHILE THAT BEAUTIFUL , FRA
IL CREATURE - $
< ( IN THE STUDY , GEORGE HAS RESUMED ... ) > $
01 THE STUDY OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IS AN ATTEMPT TO DETERMINE
WHAT WE MEAN WHEN WE SAY THAT SOMETHING IS GOOD AND THAT SOM
ETHING ELSE IS BAD . $
NOT ALL VALUE JUDGEMENTS , HOWEVER , ARE THE PROPER STUDY OF
 THE MORAL PHILOSOPHER . $
LANGUAGE IS A FINITE INSTRUMENT CRUDELY APPLIED TO AN INFINI
TY OF IDEAS , AND ONE CONSEQUENCE OF THE FAILURE TO TAKE ACC
OUNT OF THIS IS THAT MODERN PHILOSOPHY HAS MADE ITSELF RIDIC
ULOUS BY ANALYSING SUCH STATEMENTS AS , ' THIS IS A GOOD BAC
ON SANDWICH , ' OR , '  BEDSER HAD A GOOD WICKET . ' $
#63 $
< ( THE SECRETARY RAISES HER HEAD AT BEDSER . ) > $
BEDSER ! $
- GOOD GOD , B-E-D-S ... $
< ( FADE ON STUDY . $
ARCHIE AND BONES RE-ENTER . ) > $
03 PLEASE COME TO THE POINT INSPECTOR . $
THE PLAIN FACTS ARE THAT WHILE PERFORMING SOME MODEST ACROBA
TICS FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT OF MISS MOORE'S PARTY-GUESTS , PR
OFESSOR MCFEE WAS KILLED BY A BULLET FIRED FROM THE OUTER DA
RKNESS . $
WE ALL SAW HIM SHOT , BUT NONE OF US SAW WHO SHOT HIM . $
WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF MCFEE'S FELLOW GYMNASTS , ANY
BODY COULD HAVE FIRED THE SHOT , AND ANYBODY COULD HAVE HAD
A REASON FOR DOING SO , INCLUDING , INCIDENTALLY , MYSELF .
$
04 AND WHAT MIGHT YOUR MOTIVE BE , SIR ? $
03 WHO KNOWS ? $
PERHAPS MCFEE , MY FAITHFUL PROTEGE HAD SECRETLY TURNED AGAI
NST ME , GONE OFF THE RAILS AND DECIDED THAT HE WAS ST PAUL
TO MOORE'S MESSIAH . $
04 DOESN'T SEEM MUCH OF A REASON . $
03 IT DEPENDS . $
MOORE HIMSELF IS NOT IMPORTANT - HE IS OUR TAME BELIEVER , P
OINTED OUT TO VISITORS IN MUCH THE SAME SPIRIT AS WE POINT O
UT THE MAGNIFICENT STAINED GLASS IN WHAT IS NOW THE GYMNASIU
M . $
BUT MCFEE WAS THE GUARDIAN AND FIGUREHEAD OF PHILOSOPHICAL O
RTHODOXY , AND IF HE THREATENED TO START CALLING ON HIS MAST
ERS TO RETURN TO THE TRUE PATH , THEN I 'M AFRAID IT WOULD C
ERTAINLY HAVE BEEN AN ICE-PICK IN  THE BACK OF THE SKULL . $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
DARLING ! $
03 AND THEN AGAIN , PERHAPS IT WAS DOROTHY . $
OR SOMEONE . $
< ( SMILES ) > $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
DARLING ! $
04 MY ADVICE TO YOU IS , NUMBER ONE , GET HER LAWYER OVER HE
RE - $
03 THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY . $
I AM MISS MOORE'S LEGAL ADVISER . $
04 NUMBER TWO , COMPLETELY OFF THE RECORD , GET HER OFF ON
EXPERT EVIDENCE - NERVOUS STRAIN , APPALLING PRESSURE , AND
ONE DAY - SNAP ! - BLACKOUT , CAN'T REMEMBER A THING . $
#64 $
PUT HER IN THE BOX AND YOU 'RE HALF-WAY THERE . $
THE OTHER HALF IS , GET SOMETHING ON MAD JOCK MCFEE , AND IF
YOU DON'T GET A SCOTTISH JUDGE IT 'LL BE THREE YEARS PROBATI
ON AND THE SYMPATHY OF THE COURT . $
03 THIS IS MOST CIVIL OF YOU , INSPECTOR , BUT A COURT APPEA
RANCE WOULD BE MOST EMBARRASSING TO MY CLIENT AND PATIENT ;
AND THREE YEARS' PROBATION IS NOT AN INSIGNIFICANT CURTAILME
NT OF A PERSON'S LIBERTY $
04 FOR GOD'S SAKE , MAN , WE 'RE TALKING ABOUT A MURDER CHAR
GE . $
03 YOU ARE . $
WHAT I HAD IN MIND IS THAT MCFEE , SUFFERING FROM NERVOUS ST
RAIN BROUGHT ON BY THE APPALLING PRESSURE OF OVERWORK - FOR
WHICH I BLAME MYSELF ENTIRELY - LEFT HERE LAST NIGHT IN A MO
OD OF DEEP DEPRESSION , AND WANDERED INTO THE PARK , WHERE H
E CRAWLED INTO A LARGE PLASTIC BAG AND SHOT HIMSELF ... $
< ( PAUSE . $
BONES OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK . ) > $
... LEAVING THIS NOTE ... $
< ( ARCHIE PRODUCES IT FROM HIS POCKET ) > $
... WHICH WAS FOUND IN THE BAG TOGETHER WITH HIS BODY BY SOM
E GYMNASTS ON AN EARLY MORNING KEEP-FIT RUN . $
< ( PAUSE . $
BONES OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK . ) > $
HERE IS THE CORONER'S CERTIFICATE . $
< ( ARCHIE PRODUCES ANOTHER NOTE , WHICH BONES TAKES FROM HI
M . $
BONES READS IT . ) > $
04 IS THIS GENUINE ? $
03 < ( TESTILY ) > $
OF COURSE IT 'S GENUINE . $
I 'M A CORONER , NOT A FORGER . $
< ( BONES HANDS THE CERTIFICATE BACK , AND ALMOST COMES TO A
TTENTION . ) > $
04 SIR ARCHIBALD BOUNCER - $
03 JUMPER . $
04 SIR ARCHIBALD JUMPER , I MUST - $
03 NOW , I JUDGE FROM YOUR CURIOUSLY FORMAL AND SOMEWHAT DAT
ED ATTITUDE , THAT YOU ARE DEAF TO OFFERS OF LARGE SUMS OF M
ONEY FOR FAVOURS RENDERED . $
04 I DIDN'T HEAR THAT . $
03 EXACTLY . $
ON THE OTHER HAND , I THINK YOU ARE A MAN WHO FEELS THAT HIS
 WORTH HAS NOT BEEN RECOGNIZED . $
#65 $
OTHER MEN HAVE GOT ON - YOUNGER MEN , FLASHIER MEN ... $
SUPERINTENDANTS ... $
COMMISSIONERS ... $
THERE MAY BE SOMETHING IN THAT . $
03 I DARE SAY YOUR AMBITIONS DO NOT STOP WITH THE POLICE FOR
CE , EVEN . $
04 OH ? $
03 INSPECTOR , MY PATRONAGE IS NOT EXTENSIVE , BUT IT IS SEL
ECT . $
I CAN OFFER PRESTIGE , THE RESPECT OF YOUR PEERS AND ALMOST
UNLIMITED CREDIT AMONG THE LOCAL SHOPKEEPERS - IN SHORT , TH
E CHAIR OF DIVINITY IS YOURS FOR THE ASKING . $
04 THE CHAIR OF DIVINITY ? $
03 NOT PERHAPS , THE CHAIR WHICH IS IN THE EYE OF THE HURRIC
ANE NOWADAYS , BUT A PROFESSORSHIP WILL STILL BE REGARDED AS
 A DISTINCTION COME THE DAY - EARLY NEXT WEEK , IN ALL PROBA
BILITY - WHEN THE POLICE FORCE WILL BE THINNED OUT TO A CERE
MONIAL FRONT FOR THE PEACE-KEEPING ACTIVITIES OF THE ARMY .
$
04 I SEE . $
WELL , UNTIL THAT HAPPENS , I SHOULD STILL LIKE TO KNOW - IF
 MCFEE SHOT HIMSELF INSIDE A PLASTIC BAG , WHERE IS THE GUN
? $
03 < ( AWED ) > $
VERY GOOD THINKING INDEED ! $
ON CONSIDERATION I CAN GIVE YOU THE CHAIR OF LOGIC , BUT THA
T IS MY LAST OFFER . $
04 THIS IS A BRITISH MURDER ENQUIRY AND SOME DEGREE OF JUSTI
CE MUST BE SEEN TO BE MORE OR LESS DONE . $
03 I MUST SAY I FIND YOUR ATTITUDE LACKING IN FLEXIBILITY .
$
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE THAT IT WAS MISS MOORE WHO SHOT MCFEE
 ? $
04 I HAVE A NOSE FOR THESE THINGS . $
03 WITH THE BEST WILL IN THE WORLD I CAN'T GIVE THE CHAIR OF
 LOGIC TO A MAN WHO RELIES ON NASAL INTUITION . $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
HELP ! $
< ( BONES REACTS . $
ARCHIE RESTRAINS HIM . ) > $
03 IT 'S ALL RIGHT - JUST EXHIBITIONISM : WHAT WE PSYCHIATRI
STS CALL ' A CRY FOR HELP ' . $
04 BUT IT WAS A CRY FOR HELP . $
03 PERHAPS I 'M NOT MAKING MYSELF CLEAR . $
ALL EXHIBITIONISM IS A CRY FOR HELP , BUT A CRY FOR HELP AS
SUCH IS ONLY EXHIBITIONISM . $
#66 $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
MURDER ! $
< ( BONES RUSHES TO THE BEDROOM , WHICH REMAINS DARK . $
ARCHIE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND LEAVES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN . $
IN THE STUDY , GEORGE RESUMES . ) > $
01 ... WHEREAS A SPELL WITH THE HEAVY ROLLER WOULD IMPROVE
IT FROM BRADMAN'S POINT OF VIEW AND WORSEN IT FROM BEDSER'S
... $
LIKEWISE , TO SAY THAT THIS IS A GOOD BACON SANDWICH IS ONLY
 TO SAY THAT BY THE CRITERIA APPLIED BY LIKE-MINDED LOVERS O
F BACON SANDWICHES , THIS ONE IS WORTHY OF APPROBATION . $
THE WORD GOOD IS REDUCIBLE TO OTHER PROPERTIES SUCH AS CRISP
 , LEAN AND UNADULTERATED BY TOMATO SAUCE . $
YOU WILL HAVE SEEN AT ONCE THAT TO A MAN WHO LIKES HIS BACON
 SANDWICHES UNDERDONE , FATTY AND SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP , THI
S WOULD BE A RATHER POOR BACON SANDWICH . $
BY SUBJECTING ANY GIVEN EXAMPLE TO SIMILAR ANALYSIS , THE MO
DERN SCHOOL , IN WHICH THIS UNIVERSITY HAS PLAYED SO LAMENTA
BLE A PART , HAS SATISFIED ITSELF THAT ALL STATEMENTS IMPLYI
NG GOODNESS OR BADNESS , WHETHER IN CONDUCT OR IN BACON SAND
DWICHES , ARE NOT STATEMENTS OF FACT BUT MERELY EXPRESSIONS
OF FEELING , TASTE OR VESTED INTEREST . $
BUT WHEN WE SAY THAT THE GOOD SAMARITAN ACTED WELL , WE ARE
SURELY EXPRESSING MORE THAN A CIRCULAR PREJUDICE ABOUT BEHAV
IOUR . $
WE MEAN HE ACTED KINDLY - SELFLESSLY - WELL . $
AND WHAT IS OUR APPROVAL OF KINDNESS BASED ON IF NOT ON THE
INTUITION THAT KINDNESS IS SIMPLY GOOD IN ITSELF AND CRUELTY
 IS NOT . $
A MAN WHO SEES THAT HE IS ABOUT TO PUT HIS FOOT DOWN ON A BE
ETLE ON HIS PATH , DECIDES TO STEP ON IT OR NOT TO . $
WHY ? $
WHAT PROCESS IS AT WORK ? $
AND WHAT IS THAT QUICK BLIND MINDLESS CONNECTION SUDDENLY MA
DE AND LOST  BY THE MAN WHO DIDN'T SEE THE BEETLE BUT ONLY H
EARD THE CRUNCH ? $
< ( TOWARDS THE END OF THIS SPEECH , ARCHIE RE-ENTERS AND QU
IETLY LETS HIMSELF INTO THE STUDY . ) > $
IT IS IRONIC THAT THE SCHOOL WHICH DENIES THE CLAIMS OF THE
INTUITION TO KNOW GOOD WHEN IT SEES IT , IS ITSELF THE PRODU
CT OF PIONEER WORK SET OUT IN HIS PRINCIPIA ETHICA BY THE LA
TE G. E. MOORE , AN INTUITIONIST PHILOSOPHER WHOM I RESPECTE
D FROM AFAR BUT WHO , FOR REASONS WHICH WILL BE FOUND ADEQUA
TE BY LOGICAL SPIRITS , WAS NEVER IN WHEN I CALLED . $
#67 $
MOORE DID NOT BELIEVE IN GOD , BUT I DO NOT HOLD THAT AGAINS
T HIM - FOR OF ALL FORMS OF WISHFUL THINKING , HUMANISM DEMA
NDS THE GREATEST SYMPATHY - AND AT LEAST BY INSISTING THAT G
OODNESS WAS A FACT , AND ON HIS RIGHT TO RECOGNIZE IT WHEN H
E SAW IT , MOORE AVOIDED THE MORAL LIMBO DEVISED BY HIS SUCC
ESSORS , WHO ARE IN THE UNHAPPY POSITION OF HAVING TO ADMIT
THAT ONE MAN'S IDEA OF GOOD IS NO MORE MEANINGFUL THAN ANOTH
ER MAN'S WHETHER HE BE ST FRANCIS OR - VICE-CHANCELLOR ! $
< ( FOR HE HAS NOTICED ARCHIE IN THE MIRROR . $
ARCHIE COMES FORWARD . ) > $
03 AN INEPT COMPARISON , IF I MAY SAY SO . $
I 'M VERY FOND OF ANIMALS . $
01 < ( STIFFLY ) > $
VICE-CHANCELLOR , WHAT WAS THE MEANING ON THAT SCENE I WITNE
SSED IN THE BEDROOM . $
03 SOFTLY , SOFTLY , CATCHEE MONKEY . $
01 SOFTLY , SOFTLY ... ? $
OH ... ! $
< ( HIS STIFFNESS COLLAPSES . ) > $
< ( ARCHIE PICKS UP PAT . ) > $
03 WHAT DO YOU CALL IT ? $
01 PAT . $
03 PAT ! ... WHAT A LOVELY NAME . $
01 IT 'S A GOOD NAME FOR A TORTOISE , BEING SEXUALLY AMBIGUO
US . $
I ALSO HAVE A HARE CALLED THUMPER , SOMEWHERE . $
... BY THE WAY , I WASN'T REALLY COMPARING YOU WITH - $
03 QUITE UNDERSTAND . $
YOU WERE GOING TO SAY HITLER OR STALIN OR NERO ... THE ARGUM
ENT ALWAYS GETS BACK TO SOME LUNATIC TYRANT , THE REDUCTIO A
D ABSURDUM OF THE NEW ETHICS , AND THE DOG-EARED TRUMP CARD
OF THE INTUITIONISTS . $
01 < ( RISING TO THAT ) > $
WELL , WHY NOT ? $
WHEN I PUSH MY CONVICTIONS TO ABSURDITY , I ARRIVE AT GOD -
WHICH IS AT LEAST EMBARRASSING NOWADAYS . $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
ALL I KNOW IS THAT I THINK THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT NOTH
ING CAN BE CREATED OUT OF NOTHING , THAT MY MORAL CONSCIENCE
 IS DIFFERENT FROM THE RULES OF MY TRIBE , AND THAT THERE IS
 MORE IN ME THAN MEETS THE MICROSCOPE - AND BECAUSE OF THAT
 I 'M LUMBERED WITH THIS INCREDIBLE , INDESCRIBABLE AND DEFI
NITELY SHIFTY GOD , THE TRUMP CARD OF ATHEISM . $
#68 $
03 IT 'S ALWAYS BEEN A MYSTERY TO ME WHY RELIGIOUS FAITH AND
 ATHEISM SHOULD BE THOUGHT OF AS ATTITUDES . $
01 ALWAYS ? $
03 IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME . $
01 IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT BELIEF IN GOD AND THE CONVICTION
THAT GOD DOESN'T EXIST AMOUNT TO MUCH THE SAME THING ? $
03 IT GAINS FROM CAREFUL PHRASING . $
RELIGIOUS FAITH AND ATHEISM DIFFER MAINLY ABOUT GOD ; ABOUT
MAN THEY ARE IN ACCORD : MAN IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF LIFE , H
E HAS DUTIES HE HAS RIGHTS , ETCETERA , AND IT IS USUALLY BE
TTER TO BE KIND THAN CRUEL . $
EVEN IF THERE IS SOME INSCRUTABLE DIVINITY BEHIND IT ALL , O
UR CONDITION FOR GOOD OR ILL APPARENTLY DETERMINED BY OUR CH
OICE OF ACTIONS , AND CHOOSING SEEMS TO BE A GENUINE HUMAN P
OSSIBILITY . $
INDEED IT IS SURELY RELIGIOUS ZEAL RATHER THAN ATHEISM WHICH
 IS HISTORICALLY NOTORIOUS IN THE FORTUNES OF MANKIND . $
01 I 'M NOT AT ALL SURE THAT THE GOD OF RELIGIOUS OBSERVANCE
 IS THE OBJECT OF MY FAITH . $
DO YOU SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE PRESUMPTUOUS TO COIN A DEITY ? $
03 I DON'T SEE THE POINT . $
IF HE CAUGHT ON , YOU 'D KILL FOR HIM , TOO . $
< ( SUDDENLY REMEMBERING . ) > $
AH ! - $
I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ! $
- MCFEE 'S DEAD . $
01 WHAT ? ! ! $
03 SHOT HIMSELF THIS MORNING , IN THE PARK , IN A PLASTIC BA
G . $
01 MY GOD ! $
WHY ? $
03 IT 'S HARD TO SAY . $
HE WAS ALWAYS TIDY . $
01 BUT TO SHOOT HIMSELF ... $
03 OH , HE COULD BE VERY VIOLENT , YOU KNOW ... $
IN FACT WE HAD A FURIOUS ROW LAST NIGHT - PERHAPS THE INSPEC
TOR HAD ASKED YOU ABOUT THAT ...   $
01 NO ... $
03 IT WAS A PURELY TRIVIAL MATTER . $
HE TOOK OFFENCE AT MY DESCRIPTION OF EDINBURGH AS THE REYKJA
VIK OF THE SOUTH . $
< ( GEORGE IS NOT LISTENING . ) > $
01 ... WHERE DID HE FIND THE DESPAIR ... ? $
I THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT OF DENYING THE ABSOLUTE WAS TO RED
UCE THE SCALE , INSTANTLY , TO THE INCONSEQUENTIAL BEHAVIOUR
OF INCONSEQUENTIAL ANIMALS ; THAT NOTHING COULD EVER BE THAT
 IMPORTANT ... $
#69 $
03 INCLUDING , I SUPPOSE , DEATH ... $
IT 'S AN INTERESTING VIEW OF ATHEISM , AS A SORT OF CRUTCH F
OR THOSE WHO CAN'T BEAR THE REALITY OF GOD ... $
01 < ( STILL AWAY ) > $
I WONDER IF MCFEE WAS AFRAID OF DEATH ? $
AND IF HE WAS , WHAT WAS IT THAT HE WOULD HAVE BEEN AFRAID O
F : SURELY NOT THE CHEMICAL CHANGE IN THE MATERIAL THAT WAS
HIS BODY . $
I SUPPOSE HE WOULD HAVE SAID , AS SO MANY DO , THAT IT IS ON
LY THE DYING HE FEARED , YES , THE PHYSICAL PROCESS OF GIVIN
G OUT . $
BUT IT 'S NOT THE DYING WITH ME - ONE KNOWS ABOUT PAIN . $
IT 'S DEATH THAT I 'M AFRAID OF . $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
03 INCIDENTALLY , SINCE HIS PAPER HAS OF COURSE  BEEN CIRCUL
ATED TO EVERYONE , IT MUST REMAIN THE BASIS OF THE SYMPOSIUM
 . $
01 YES , INDEED , I HAVE SPENT WEEKS PREPARING MY COMMENTARY
 ON IT . $
03 WE SHALL BEGIN WITH A TWO-MINUTE SILENCE . $
THAT WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PREPARE MINE . $
01 YOU WILL BE REPLYING , VICE-CHANCELLOR ? $
03 AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE I DON'T SEE WHO ELSE COULD STAND IN
. $
I 'LL RELINQUISH THE CHAIR , OF COURSE , AND WE 'LL GET A NE
W CHAIRMAN , SOMEONE OF GOOD STANDING ; HE WON'T HAVE TO KNO
W MUCH PHILOSOPHY . $
JUST ENOUGH FOR A TRIBUTE TO DUNCAN . $
01 POOR DUNCAN ... I LIKE TO THINK HE 'LL BE THERE IN SPIRIT
 . $
03 IF ONLY TO MAKE SURE THE MATERIALISTIC ARGUMENT IS PROPER
LY REPRESENTED . $
02 < ( OFF ) > $
DARLING ! $
< ( BOTH MEN RESPOND AUTOMATICALLY , AND BOTH HALT AND LOOK
AT EACH OTHER . ) > $
01 03 HOW IS SHE ? $
01 HOW DO I KNOW ? $
YOU 'RE THE DOCTOR . $
03 THAT 'S TRUE . $
< ( ARCHIE MOVES OUT OF THE STUDY , GEORGE WITH HIM ; INTO T
HE HALL . ) > $
I NATURALLY TRY TO GET HER TO OPEN UP , BUT ONE CAN'T ASSUME
 SHE TELLS ME EVERYTHING , OR EVEN THAT IT 'S THE TRUTH . $
#70 $
01 WELL , I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH HER . $
SHE 'S LIKE A CAT ON HOT BRICKS , AND DOESN'T EMERGE FROM HE
R ROOM . $
ALL SHE SAYS IS , SHE 'S ALL RIGHT IN BED . $
03 YES , WELL THERE 'S SOMETHING IN THAT . $
01 < ( RESTRAINING HIS GOING ; EDGILY ) > $
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO IN THERE ? $
03 THERAPY TAKES MANY FORMS . $
01 I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE STILL PRACTISING . $
03 OH YES ... A BIT OF LAW , A BIT OF PHILOSOPHY , A BIT OF
MEDICINE , A BIT OF GYM ... $
A BIT OF ONE AND THEN A BIT OF THE OTHER . $
01 YOU EXAMINE HER ? $
03 OH YES , I LIKE TO KEEP MY HAND IN . $
YOU MUST UNDERSTAND , MY DEAR MOORE , THAT WHEN I 'M EXAMINI
NG DOROTHY I 'M NOT A LAWYER OR A PHILOSOPHER . $
OR A GYMNAST , OF COURSE . $
OH , I KNOW , MY DEAR FELLOW - YOU THINK THAT WHEN I 'M EXAM
INING DOROTHY I SEE HER EYES AS CORNFLOWERS , HER LIPS AS RU
BIES , HER SKIN AS SOFT AND WARM AS VELVET - YOU THINK THAT
WHEN I RUN MY HANDS OVER HER BACK I AM CARRIED AWAY BY THE D
ELICATE CONTOURS THAT FLOW LIKE A SEA-SHORE FROM SHOULDER TO
HEEL - OH YES , YOU THINK MY MIND TURNS TO RIPE PEARS AS SOO
N AS I PRESS - $
01 < ( VICIOUSLY ) > $
NO , I DON'T  ! $
03 BUT TO US MEDICAL MEN , THE HUMAN BODY IS JUST AN IMPERFE
CT MACHINE . $
AS IT IS TO MOST OF US PHILOSOPHERS . $
AND TO US GYMNASTS , OF COURSE . $
02 < ( OFF ; URGENTLY ) > $
RAPE ! $
< ( PAUSE ) > $
RA - ! $
< ( ARCHIE SMILES AT GEORGE , AND QUICKLY LETS HIMSELF INTO
THE BEDROOM ,CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM . $
THE BEDROOM LIGHTS UP . $
DOTTY IS SOBBING ACROSS THE BED . $
BONES STANDING BY AS THOUGH PARALYSED . $
A WILD SLOW SMILE SPREADS OVER HIS FACE AS HE TURNS TO ARCHI
E , THE SMILE OF A MAN PLEADING , ' IT 'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK
 . ' $
ARCHIE MOVES IN SLOWLY . ) > $
03 TSK  TSK ... $
INSPECTOR , I AM SHOCKED ... DEEPLY SHOCKED . $
WHAT A TRAGIC END TO AN  INCORRUPTIBLE CAREER ... $
04 ... I NEVER TOUCHED HER - $
03 DO NOT DESPAIR . $
I 'M SURE WE CAN COME TO SOME ARRANGEMENT ... $
#71 $
< ( GEORGE HAS RETURNED TO THE STUDY . ) > $
01 HOW THE HELL DOES ONE KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ? $
< ( FADE OUT ON BEDROOM , TO BLACKOUT . $
THE SECRETARY HAS TAKEN DOWN THE LAST SENTENCE . ) > $
01 NO , NO - $
< ( CHANGES MIND ) > $
WELL , ALL RIGHT . $
< ( DICTATING ) > $
HOW DOES ONE KNOW WHAT IT IS ONE BELIEVES WHEN IT 'S SO DIFF
ICULT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS ONE KNOWS . $
I DON'T CLAIM TO KNOW THAT GOD EXISTS , I ONLY CLAIM THAT HE
 DOES WITHOUT MY KNOWING IT , AND WHILE I CLAIM AS MUCH I DO
 NOT CLAIM TO KNOW AS MUCH ; INDEED I CANNOT KNOW AND GOD KN
OWS I CANNOT . $
< ( PAUSE ) > $
AND YET I TELL YOU THAT , NOW AND AGAIN , NOT NECESSARILY IN
 THE CONTEMPLATION OF RAINBOWS OR NEW-BORN BABES , NOR IN EX
TREMITIES OF PAIN OR JOY , BUT MORE PROBABLY AMBUSHED BY SOM
E QUITE TRIVIAL MOMENT - SAY THE EXCHANGE OF SIGNALS BETWEEN
 TWO LONG-DISTANCE LORRY-DRIVERS IN THE BLACK SLEET OF A GOD
-AWFUL NIGHT ON THE OLD A1 - THEN , IN THAT DIP-FLASH , DIP-
FLASH OF HEADLIGHTS IN THE RAIN THAT SEEMS TO AFFIRM SOME CO
MMON GROUND THAT IS NOT ANIMAL AND NOT LONG-DISTANCE LORRY-D
RIVING - THEN I TELL YOU I KNOW - I SOUND LIKE A JOKE VICAR
, NEW PARAGRAPH . $
< ( THE LIGHT IS FADING TO A SPOT ON GEORGE , SUFFICIENTLY T
O PUT THE HALL AND FRONT DOOR INTO BLACKOUT IF THEY ARE NOT
BLACK ALREADY . ) > $
THERE IS IN MATHEMATICS A CONCEPT KNOWN AS A LIMITING CURVE
, THAT IS THE CURVE DEFINED AS THE LIMIT OF A POLYGON WITH A
N INFINITE NUMBER OF SIDES . $
FOR EXAMPLE , IF I HAD NEVER SEEN A CIRCLE AND DIDN'T KNOW H
E OF CIRCLES BY THINKING OF THEM AS REGULAR POLYGONS WITH NU
MBERLESS EDGES , SO THAT AN OLD THREEPENNYBIT WOULD BE A BUM
PY IMPERFECT CIRCLE WHICH WOULD APPROACH PERFECTION IF I KEP
T DOUBLING THE NUMBER OF ITS SIDES : AT INFINITY THE RESULT
WOULD BE THE CIRCLE WHICH I HAVE NEVER SEEN AND DO NOT KNOW
HOW TO DRAW , AND WHICH IS LOGICALLY IMPLIED BY THE EXISTENC
AND NOW AND AGAIN , NOT NECESSARILY IN THE CONTEMPLATION OF
POLYGONS OR NEWBORN BABES , NOR IN EXTREMITIES OF PAIN OR JO
Y , BUT MORE PROBABLY IN SOME QUITE TRIVIAL MOMENT , IT SEEM
S TO ME THAT LIFE ITSELF IS THE MUNDANE FIGURE WHICH ARGUES
PERFECTION AT ITS LIMITING CURVE . $
AND IF I DOUBT IT , THE ABILITY TO DOUBT , TO QUESTION , TO
THINK , SEEMS TO BE THE CURVE ITSELF . $
#72 $
COGITO ERGO DEUS EST . $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
THE FACT THAT I CUT A LUDICROUS FIGURE IN THE ACADEMIC WORLD
 IS LARGELY DUE TO MY APTITUDE FOR TRADUCING A COMPLEX AND L
OGICAL THESIS TO A MYSTICISM OF STAGGERING BANALITY . $
MCFEE NEVER MADE THAT MISTAKE , NEVER PUT HIMSELF AT RISK BY
 FINDING MYSTERY IN THE CLOCKWORK , NEVER LOOKED FOR TROUBLE
 OR OVER HIS SHOULDER , AND I 'M SORRY HE 'S GONE BUT WHAT C
AN BE HIS COMPLAINT ? $
MCFEE JUMPED , AND LEFT NOTHING BEHIND BUT A VACANCY . $
< ( THERE IS A DELICIOUS UNRAPED LAUGH FROM DOTTY IN THE DAR
K . $
THE STUDY LIGHT COMES ON AGAIN ; ONLY THE BEDROOM IS BLACKED
 AS GEORGE STRIDES OUT THE STUDY ; THEN THE BEDROOM IS LIT .
 $
ARCHIE AND DOTTY ARE SITTING AT THE TROLLEY EATING A VERY CI
VILIZED LUNCH . $
BONES HAS GONE . ) > $
02 I MUST SAY , I DO FIND MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY VERY CON
SOLING . $
< ( GEORGE ENTERS WITHOUT KNOCKING . ) > $
01 I 'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR INQUIRIES - $
< ( HE LOOKS ROUND FOR THE INSPECTOR . $
ARCHIE SMOOTHLY TAKES A SILVER-BACKED NOTEBOOK FROM HIS POCK
ET , AND A SILVER PENCIL FROM ANOTHER . ) > $
03 WHEN DID YOU FIRST BECOME AWARE OF THESE FEELINGS ? $
02 < ( GAILY ) > $
I DON'T KNOW - I 'VE ALWAYS FOUND MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY
VERY CONSOLING . $
01 WHERE 'S THE INSPECTOR ? $
03 THE INQUIRIES HAVE BEEN COMPLETED . $
DID YOU WANT HIM ? $
01 WELL NO . $
... AS A MATTER OF FACT , I CAME TO ASK YOU ... VICE-CHANCEL
LOR , ABOUT THE CHAIR OF LOGIC . $
< ( GEORGE IS UNSETTLED BY THE LUNCH-PARTY ATMOSPHERE . $
NOTHING ABOUT ARCHIE OR DOTTY SUGGESTS THAT THERE IS ANYTHIN
G UNUSUAL ABOUT IT . $
THEY CONTINUE TO EAT AND DRINK . ) > $
03 YES ? $
01 YOU PROBABLY HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE TIME TO THINK ABOUT MCF
EE'S SUCCESSOR ... $
03 THE APPOINTMENT TO THE CHAIR OF LOGIC IS OF COURSE A MATT
ER FOR THE GRAVEST CONSIDERATION . $
WE 'VE ALWAYS BEEN A HAPPY TEAM AND I SHALL BE LOOKING FOR S
OMEONE WHO WILL FIT IN , SOMEONE WITH A BIT OF BOUNCE . $
#73 $
01 YES . $
WELL , IT JUST SEEMED TO ME THAT AS THE SENIOR PROFESSOR - $
03 THE OLDEST - $
01 THE LONGEST-SERVING PROFESSOR - $
03 OH YES . $
01 WELL , LOGIC HAS TRADITIONALLY BEEN CONSIDERED THE SENIOR
 CHAIR ... $
03 < ( PAUSE ) > $
YES , WELL , THERE YOU ARE ; YOU HAVE MADE YOUR REQUEST . $
BUT I 'M NOT TOO HAPPY ABOUT YOUR ETHICS . $
01 I 'M NOT SEEKING ANY FAVOURS - $
03 NO , NO , I MEAN ETHICS HAS ALWAYS BEEN YOUR DEPARTMENT -
 WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ETHICS ? $
01 THERE 'S NO CONFLICT THERE . $
MY WORK ON MORAL PHILOSOPHY HAS ALWAYS BEEN BASED ON LOGICAL
 PRINCIPLES , AND IT WOULD DO NO HARM AT ALL IF THE CHAIR OF
 LOGIC APPLIED ITSELF OCCASIONALLY TO THE ACTIVITIES OF THE
HUMAN RACE . $
03 YES ... YES . $
... BUT YOU SEE , THE CHAIR OF LOGIC IS CONSIDERED THE LEADI
NG EDGE OF PHILOSOPHICAL INQUIRY HERE , AND YOUR STRONG POIN
T IS , HOW SHALL I PUT IT , WELL , MANY OF THE STUDENTS ARE
UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF PRINCIPIA ET
HICA . $
01 BUT HE 'S DEAD . $
03 THAT IS WHY I TAKE A SERIOUS VIEW OF THE MISTAKE . $
01 < ( PAUSE ) > $
I SEE . $
< ( MOVES TOWARDS DOOR . ) > $
INCIDENTALLY , WHAT DO YOU PSYCHIATRISTS CALL THIS FORM OF T
HERAPY ? $
01 LUNCH . $
I DON'T WISH TO MAKE A FETISH OF DENYING YOU CHAIRS , BUT YO
U WILL APPRECIATE THAT I CAN'T ASK YOU TO SIT DOWN - A PSYCH
IATRIST IS AKIN TO A PRIEST TAKING CONFESSION . $
02 WELL , IT WASN'T ME . $
03 ABSOLUTE PRIVACY , ABSOLUTE TRUST . $
02 I DIDN'T DO IT . $
I THOUGHT YOU DID IT . $
01 WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT ? $
WHERE 'S THE INSPECTOR ? $
02 HE 'S GONE . $
DISHONOUR IS EVEN . $
< ( GIGGLES . ) > $
01 WITHOUT TAKING HIS RECORD ? $
02 OH YES , WE MUST SEND IT ON . $
I SIGNED IT WITH A MOST MOVING DEDICATION , I THOUGHT . $
I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS , BUT IT WAS MOST MOVING . $
#74 $
< ( GEORGE CAN'T PUT HIS FINGER ON IT , BUT SOMETHING IS BOT
HERING HIM . $
HE STARTS TO WANDER TOWARDS THE BATHROOM . ) > $
01 I 'M SURPRISED HE JUST ... WENT ... LIKE THAT . $
< ( GEORGE ENTERS THE BATHROOM . ) > $
02 OH YES ! - $
' TO EVELYN BONES , THE SWEETHEART OF THE FORCE ! ' $
01 < ( OFF ; HORRIFIED ) > $
MY GOD ! $
< ( GEORGE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM , WHITE , SHAKING WITH R
AGE . ) > $
YOU MURDEROUS BITCH ! $
... YOU MIGHT HAVE PUT SOME WATER IN THE BATH ! $
< ( HE IS HOLDING A DEAD GOLDFISH . ) > $
02 OH DEAR ... I AM SORRY . $
I FORGOT ABOUT IT . $
01 POOR LITTLE ARCH - $
< ( CATCHES HIMSELF . ) > $
< ( ARCHIE RAISES HIS HEAD A FRACTION . ) > $
01 MURDERED FOR A CHARADE ! $
02 < ( ANGRILY ) > $
MURDERED ? $
DON'T YOU DARE SPLASH ME WITH YOUR SENTIMENTAL RHETORIC ! $
IT 'S A BLOODY GOLDFISH ! $
DO YOU THINK EVERY SOLE MEUNIERE COMES TO YOU UNTOUCHED BY S
UFFERING ? $
01 THE MONK WHO WON'T WALK IN THE GARDEN FOR FEAR OF TREADIN
G ON AN ANT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A VEGETARIAN ... $
THERE IS AN IRRATIONAL DIFFERENCE WHICH HAS A RATIONAL VALUE
 . $
02 BRILLIANT ! $
YOU MUST PUBLISH YOUR FINDINGS IN SOME SUITABLE PLACE LIKE T
HE GOOD FOOD GUIDE . $
01 NO DOUBT YOUR REBUTTAL WOULD LOOK WELL IN THE MECCANO MAG
AZINE . $
02 YOU BLOODY HUMBUG ! - THE LAST OF THE METAPHYSICAL EGOCEN
TRICS ! $
YOU 'RE PROBABLY STILL SHAKING FROM THE FOUR-HUNDRED-YEAR-OL
D NEWS THAT THE SUN DOESN'T GO ROUND YOU ! $
01 WE ARE ALL STILL SHAKING . $
COPERNICUS CRACKED OUR CONFIDENCE , AND EINSTEIN SMASHED IT
: FOR IF ONE CAN NO LONGER BELIEVE THAT A TWELVE-INCH RULER
IS ALWAYS A FOOT LONG , HOW CAN ONE BE SURE OF RELATIVELY LE
SS CERTAIN PROPOSITIONS , SUCH AS THAT GOD MADE THE HEAVEN A
ND THE EARTH ... $
02 < ( DRY , DRAINED ) > $
WELL , IT 'S ALL OVER NOW . $
NOT ONLY ARE WE NO LONGER THE STILL CENTRE OF GOD'S UNIVERSE
 , WE 'RE NOT EVEN UNIQUELY GRACED BY HIS FOOTPRINT IN MAN'S
MAN IS ON THE MOON , HIS FEET ON SOLID GROUND , AND HE HAS S
EEN US WHOLE , ALL IN ONE GO , LITTLE - LOCAL ... AND ALL OU
R ABSOLUTES , THE THOU-SHALTS AND THE THOU-SHALT-NOTS THAT S
EEMED TO BE THE VERY CONDITION OF OUR EXISTENCE , HOW DID TH
EY LOOK TO TWO MOONMEN WITH A SINGLE NECK TO SAVE BETWEEN TH
EM ? $
#75 $
LIKE THE LOCAL CUSTOMS OF ANOTHER PLACE . $
WHEN THAT THOUGHT DRIPS THROUGH TO THE BOTTOM , PEOPLE WON'T
 JUST CARRY ON . $
THERE IS GOING TO BE SUCH ... BREAKAGE , SUCH GNASHING OF UN
CLEAN MEATS , SUCH COVETTING OF NEIGHBOURS' OXEN AND KNOWING
 OF NEIGHBOURS' WIVES , SUCH DISHONOURINGS OF MOTHERS AND FA
THERS , AND BOWINGS AND SCRAPINGS TO IMAGES GRAVEN AND INCAR
NATE , SUCH KILLING OF GOLDFISH AND MAYBE MORE - $
< ( LOOKS UP , TEAR-STAINED . ) > $
BECAUSE THE TRUTHS THAT HAVE BEEN TAKEN ON TRUST , THEY 'VE
NEVER HAD EDGES BEFORE , THERE WAS NO VANTAGE POINT TO STAND
 ON AND SEE WHERE THEY STOPPED . $
< ( AND WEEPS . ) > $
03 < ( PAUSE ) > $
WHEN DID YOU FIRST BECOME AWARE OF THESE FEELINGS ? $
02 GEORGIE ... $
< ( BUT GEORGE WON'T OR CAN'T ... ) > $
01 < ( FACING AWAY , OUT FRONT , EMOTIONLESS ) > $
MEETING A FRIEND IN A CORRIDOR , WITTGENSTEIN SAID : ' TELL
ME , WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY IT WAS NATURAL FOR MEN TO ASSU
ME THAT THE SUN WENT ROUND THE EARTH RATHER THAN THAT THE EA
RTH WAS ROTATING ? ' $
HIS FRIEND SAID , ' WELL , OBVIOUSLY , BECAUSE IT JUST LOOKS
 AS IF THE SUN IS GOING ROUND THE EARTH . ' $
TO WHICH THE PHILOSOPHER REPLIED , ' WELL , WHAT WOULD IT HA
VE LOOKED LIKE IF IT HAD LOOKED AS IF THE EARTH WAS ROTATING
 ? ' $
03 I REALLY CAN'T CONDUCT A CONSULTATION UNDER THESE CONDITI
ONS ! $
YOU MIGHT AS WELL JOIN US . $
01 < ( MOVING ) > $
NO , THANK YOU . $
03 DO ... $
THIS , WHATEVER IT IS , MAKES A VERY GOOD CASSEROLE . $
02 < ( DRY-EYED REVENGE ) > $
IT 'S NOT CASSEROLED . $
IT 'S JUGGED . $
< ( GEORGE FREEZES . $
PAUSE . $
DOORBELL . ) > $
01 DOROTHY ... $
02 SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR . $
< ( IT 'S CROUCH , WHO RINGS THE BELL OUT OF FORMALITY AND L
ET 'S HIMSELF IN WITH HIS MASTER KEY , PAUSING IN THE DOOR S
O AS NOT TO INTRUDE ON ANYTHING , ANNOUNCING HIMSELF : ' CRO
UCH ! ' ) > $
#76 $
01 DOROTHY ... $
YOU DIDN'T ... ? $
05 HELLO ! $
< ( HE CLOSES THE FRONT DOOR BEHIND HIM . $
GEORGE TURNS ABRUPTLY AND WALKS SWIFTLY OUT , TO HIS STUDY .
 $
IN THE HALL HE PASSES BY CROUCH . ) > $
05 EXCUSE ME , SIR ... $
01 < ( SHOUTS VICIOUSLY ) > $
YOU SEEM TO BE TAKING OUT THE RUBBISH AT ANY TIME THAT SUITS
 YOU !! $
< ( CROUCH IS DUMBFOUNDED . $
GEORGE WALKS INTO THE STUDY , LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN , AND SL
UMPS INTO HIS CHAIR . $
THE SECRETARY IS PATIENT AND DISCREET . $
CROUCH TIMIDLY ENTERS THE STUDY . ) > $
05 I HAVEN'T COME FOR THE RUBBISH , SIR . $
01 I 'M SORRY , MR CROUCH ... I 'M VERY SORRY . $
I WAS UPSET . $
IT 'S JUST BEEN THE MOST AWFUL DAY . $
< ( HE COMFORTS HIMSELF WITH THE TORTOISE . ) > $
05 I QUITE UNDERSTAND , SIR . $
I 'M UPSET MYSELF . $
I JUST CAME UP TO SEE IF THERE WAS ANYTHING I COULD DO , I K
NEW YOU 'D BE UPSET ... $
< ( GEORGE LOOKS AT HIM . ) > $
I GOT TO KNOW HIM QUITE WELL , YOU KNOW ... MADE QUITE A FRI
END OF HIM . $
01 YOU KNEW ABOUT IT ? $
05 I WAS THERE , SIR . $
DOING THE DRINKS . $
IT SHOCKED ME , I CAN TELL YOU . $
01 WHO KILLED HIM ? $
05 WELL , I WOULDN'T LIKE TO SAY FOR CERTAIN ... I MEAN , I
HEARD A BANG , AND WHEN I LOOKED , THERE HE WAS CRAWLING ON
THE FLOOR ... $
< ( GEORGE WINCES . ) > $
... AND THERE WAS MISS MOORE ... WELL - $
01 DO YOU REALIZE SHE 'S IN THERE NOW , EATING HIM ? $
05 < ( PAUSE ) > $
YOU MEAN - RAW ? $
01 < ( CROSSLY ) > $
NO , OF COURSE NOT ! - COOKED - WITH GRAVY AND MASHED POTATO
ES . $
05 < ( PAUSE ) > $
I THOUGHT SHE WAS ON THE MEND , SIR . $
01 DO YOU THINK I 'M BEING TOO SENTIMENTAL ABOUT THE WHOLE T
HING ? $
#77 $
05 < ( FIRMLY ) > $
I DO NOT , SIR . $
I THINK IT 'S A POLICE MATTER . $
01 THEY 'D LAUGH AT ME ... $
THERE WAS A POLICEMAN HERE , BUT HE 'S GONE . $
05 YES , SIR , I SAW HIM LEAVE . $
I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE HIM . $
YOU WERE WONDERING , SIR , WHO BROUGHT THEM ROUND . $
01 NO . $
I TELEPHONED THEM MYSELF . $
05 YOU 'RE AN HONEST MAN , SIR . $
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU I ALSO PHONED
THEM MYSELF , ANONYMOUS . $
01 DID YOU ? $
... WELL , IT 'S ALL RIGHT NOW , HE 'S GONE . $
LOT OF FUSS ABOUT NOTHING . $
I KNOW THINGS GOT A BIT OUT OF HAND BUT ... I 'M SURPRISED A
T YOUR PURITANISM , MR . CROUCH . $
... A LITTLE WINE , WOMEN AND SONG ... $
05 YES , SIR . $
OF COURSE , IT WAS THE MURDER OF PROFESSOR MOFEE THAT WAS TH
E MAIN THING . $
< ( LONG PAUSE . $
GEORGE SITS PERFECTLY STILL , AND CONTINUES TO DO SO , SIGHT
LESS , DEAF , WHILE CROUCH SPEAKS . ) > $
BY THE WAY , SIR ... $
< ( PICKING UP THE TORTOISE . ) > $
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY , BUT AS YOU
 KNOW , NO PETS ALLOWED IN THE FLATS - I DON'T MIND TURNING
A BLIND EYE TO THIS LITTLE FELLOW , BUT I 'VE SEEN A RABBIT
AROUND THE PLACE OF A MORNING , AND IT 'S AS MUCH AS MY JOB
'S WORTH - I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND , SIR ... $
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
WILL MISS MOORE BE ... LEAVING , SIR ? $
01 < ( BLINKING AWAKE ) > $
SHE 'S IN BED WITH THE DOCTOR . $
NOT LITERALLY , OF COURSE . $
< ( SMALL PAUSE . $
HE JUMPS UP AND STRIDES INTO THE BEDROOM , WHICH LIGHTS UP .
 $
VERY BRIGHT . $
THERE IS NO ONE IN SIGHT . $
THE DRAPES HAVE BEEN DRAWN AROUND THE BED . $
ARCHIE'S JACKET IS ON A CHAIR . $
THE DERMATOGRAPH IS POKING ITS LENS THROUGH A GAP IN THE CUR
TAINS ROUND THE FOUR-POSTER . $
THE CAMERA-LIGHTS HAVE BEEN EXTENDED AND ARE SHINING DOWN IN
TO THE HIDDEN BED FROM OVER THE TOP OF THE DRAPES . $
BOTH THE MACHINE AND THE LIGHTS ARE PLUGGED INTO POWER POINT
S IN THE WALL . $
THE MACHINE ALSO HAS A WIRE GOING INTO THE BACK OF THE TV SE
T . $
GEORGE STOPS AND TAKES ALL THIS IN . $
#78 $
DOTTY'S VOICE SAILS OUT FROM INSIDE THE DRAPES . ) > $
02 WHO IS IT ? $
01 ME . $
02 WHAT DO YOU WANT ? $
01 CROUCH SAYS - $
WHAT 'S GOING ON ? $
03 < ( WITHIN ) > $
PLEASE DON'T OPEN THE DRAPES - THE DERMATOGRAPH , YOU KNOW .
 $
01 THE WHAT ? $
03 JUST A MOMENT . $
< ( ARCHIE EMERGES FROM INSIDE THE BED . ) > $
ALL RIGHT NOW . $
VERY SENSITIVE TO LIGHT-LEVELS , YOU SEE . $
NO DOUBT THEY 'LL IMPROVE IT - THIS IS SOMETHING OF A PROTOT
YPE . $
01 WHY IS IT CONNECTED TO THE TELEVISION SET ? $
< ( ANGRILY . ) > $
03 WELL DONE . $
THAT 'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS - A KIND OF TELEVISION CAMERA . $
RATHER WARM IN THERE - THE LIGHTS , YOU KNOW . $
< ( HE IS PUTTING ON HIS COAT . ) > $
WE WILL GET THE READ-BACK ON THE SCREEN , YOU SEE . $
01 CROUCH SAYS - ! $
03 < ( THROUGH SCREEN ) > $
RELAX , MY DEAR ! $
- NOW OVER ON YOUR BACK - $
01 YOU MUST THINK I 'M A BLOODY FOOL - $
03 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $
01 WELL , EVERYTHING YOU DO MAKES IT LOOK AS IF YOU 'RE ...
$
< ( PAUSE . ) > $
03 WELL , WHAT WOULD IT HAVE LOOKED LIKE IF IT HAD LOOKED AS
 IF I WERE EXAMINING HER ? $
02 < ( HER HEAD APPEARING ) > $
WHAT 'S THE MATTER , GEORGIE ? $
01 DOTTY ... $
02 DON'T TAKE ANY NOTICE OF ARCHIE - HIM AND HIS RIPE PEARS
! $
< ( DISAPPEARING . ) > $
01 CROUCH SAYS MCFEE WAS SHOT ! - HERE - LAST NIGHT - $
HE THINKS DOROTHY DID IT - $
02 < ( APPEARS FROM BEHIND SCREEN ) > $
I THOUGHT ARCHIE DID IT . $
YOU DIDN'T DO IT , DID YOU , GEORGIE ? $
< ( DISAPPEARS . ) > $
01 CROUCH SAYS - $
YOU CAN'T HIDE ! $
- DOROTHY - IT 'S NOT A GAME ! $
CROUCH SAYS HE SAW - $
FOR GOD'S SAKE - I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO - $
#79 $
03 CROUCH SAYS HE SAW WHAT , GEORGE ? $
01 WELL , HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEE ... $
03 QUITE . $
WE JUST DON'T KNOW . $
01 THERE ARE MANY THINGS I KNOW WHICH ARE NOT VERIFIABLE BUT
 NOBODY CAN TELL ME I DON'T KNOW THEM , AND I THINK THAT I K
NOW THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED TO POOR DOTTY AND SHE SOMEHOW KI
LLED MCFEE , AS SURE AS SHE KILLED MY POOR THUMPER . $
< ( GEORGE LEAVES THE BEDROOM AND ARCHIE FOLLOWS HIM OUT . $
THE BEDROOM BLACKS OUT . $
THEY BOTH WALK INTO THE STUDY WHERE CROUCH IS SEATED AT GEOR
GE'S DESK , READING THE TYPESCRIPT AND CHUCKLING . ) > $
05 SAINT SEBASTIAN DIED OF FRIGHT ! - VERY GOOD ! $
< ( TO SECRETARY ; SURPRISINGLY . ) > $
OF COURSE , THE FLAW IN THE ARGUMENT IS THAT EVEN IF THE FIR
ST TERM OF INFINITELY REGRESSING SERIES IS ZERO RATHER THAN
INFINITESIMAL , THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM REMAINS IN IDENTIFYING
THE SECOND TERM OF THE SERIES , WHICH HOWEVER SMALL MUST BE
GREATER THAN ZERO - YOU TAKE MY POINT ? $
I GRANT YOU HE 'S ANSWERED RUSSELL'S FIRST POINT , I GRANT Y
OU THAT - THE SMALLEST PROPER FRACTION IS ZERO - BUT - $
< ( GEORGE SNATCHES THE PAPER FROM BEHIND CROUCH AND STUDIES
 IT MINUTELY , ALREADY TALKING . ) > $
01 YES , BUT YOU ENTIRELY MISS MY POINT , WHICH IS THAT HAVI
NG ESTABLISHED THAT THE FIRST TERM - THAT IS GOD - CORRESPON
DS TO ZERO , THERE 'S NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THE SECOND TERM
 - IT IS ENOUGH THAT IT IS THE SECOND - $
SURELY YOU CAN SEE THAT ? $
05 < ( HUMBLY ) > $
I EXPECT YOU 'RE RIGHT , SIR . $
I MEAN , IT 'S ONLY A HOBBY WITH ME . $
03 < ( COMING FORWARD ) > $
MR. CROUCH ! $
05 OH , GOOD MORNING , VICE-CHANCELLOR , SIR ... $
< ( THE SITUATION : CROUCH AND ARCHIE CONVERSING OUT OF THE
STUDY INTO THE HALL . $
GEORGE WORRYING HIS SCRIPT . $
THE SECRETARY STILL THE OBSERVER WITH PENCIL AND PAD READY .
 $
ONCE IN THE HALL , ARCHIE SHUTS THE STUDY DOOR . ) > $
03 I SEE YOU 'RE SOMETHING OF A PHILOSOPHER , MR. CROUCH . $
05 OH , I WOULDN'T CALL IT THAT , SIR - I JUST PICKED UP A B
IT ... A BIT OF READING , A BIT OF CHATTING , YOU KNOW . $
#80 $
03 ISN'T THAT THE ACADEMIC LIFE ? $
WHOM WOULD YOU DESCRIBE AS YOUR MENTOR ? $
05 IT WAS THE LATE PROFESSOR MCFEE . $
03 REALLY ? $
05 YES , SIR , IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING , HIS DEATH . $
OF COURSE , HIS WHOLE LIFE WAS GOING THROUGH A CRISIS , AS H
E NO DOUBT TOLD YOU . $
03 YES ... ? $
05 IT WAS THE ASTRONAUTS FIGHTING ON THE MOON THAT FINALLY T
URNED HIM , SIR . $
HENRY , HE SAID TO ME , HENRY , I AM GIVING PHILOSOPHICAL RE
SPECTABILITY TO A NEW PRAGMATISM IN PUBLIC LIFE , OF WHICH T
HERE HAVE BEEN MANY DISTURBING EXAMPLES BOTH HERE AND ON THE
 MOON . $
DUNCAN , I SAID , DUNCAN , DON'T LET IT GET YOU DOWN , HAVE
ANOTHER CAN OF BEER . $
BUT HE KEPT HARKING BACK TO THE FIRST CAPTAIN OATES , OUT TH
ERE IN THE ANTARCTIC WASTES , SACRIFICING HIS LIFE TO GIVE H
IS COMPANIONS A SLIM CHANCE OF SURVIVAL ... $
HENRY , HE SAID , WHAT MADE HIM DO IT ? - OUT OF THE TENT AN
D INTO THE JAWS OF THE BLIZZARD . $
IF ALTRUISH IS A POSSIBILITY , HE SAID , MY ARGUMENT IS UP A
 GUM-TREE ... $
DUNCAN , I SAID , DUNCAN , DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR HEAD ABOUT A
LL THAT . $
THAT ASTRONAUT YOBBO IS GOOD FOR TWENTY YEARS HARD . $
YES , HE SAID , YES MAYBE , BUT WHEN HE COMES OUT , HE 'S GO
ING TO FIND HE WAS ONLY TWENTY YEARS AHEAD OF HIS TIME . $
I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE , HENRY , HE SAID ; AND IT 'S YELLOW
. $
03 < ( PAUSE ) > $
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A CLOSE FRIEND OF HIS . $
< ( FROM NOW ON , FOR THE FOLLOWING SPEECHES , THE SECRETARY
 IS THE ONLY PERSON MOVING ON STAGE . $
SHE GETS UP . $
SHE IS GOING TO GO FOR LUNCH . $
PERHAPS A CLOCK HAS STRUCK . $
SHE COMES DOWN STAGE TO MAKE USE OF THE IMAGINARY MIRROR ...
 A GRIM , TENSE , UNSMILING YOUNG WOMAN , STARING AT THE AUD
IENCE . ) > $
05 AH , WELL , HE 'D COME BY TO PICK UP HIS GIRL . $
03 HIS GIRL ? $
05 AND HE WAS ALWAYS A BIT EARLY AND AS OFTEN AS NOT PROFESS
OR MOORE KEPT HER WORKING A BIT LATE . $
03 PROFESSOR MOORE ? $
05 SO HE 'D PASS THE TIME WITH ME ... I SHALL MISS OUR LITTL
E TALKS . $
AND OF COURSE IT 'S TRAGIC FOR HER . $
I SEE SHE 'S CARRYING ON , LOSING HERSELF IN HER WORK ; IT '
S THE ONLY WAY ... BUT AFTER THREE YEARS OF SECRET BETROTHAL
 , IT TAKES A CERTAIN KIND OF GIRL . $
#81 $
03 YES . $
WHY SECRET ? $
05 HE MADE HER KEEP IT SECRET BECAUSE OF HIS WIFE . $
03 AH . $
HIS WIFE DIDN'T KNOW , OF COURSE . $
05 HIS WIFE KNEW ABOUT HER , BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIS W
IFE . $
HE WAS TERRIFIED TO TELL HER , POOR DUNCAN . $
WELL , HE WON'T BE COMING ROUND HERE ANY MORE . $
NOT THAT HE WOULD HAVE DONE ANYWAY , OF COURSE . $
03 WHY 'S THAT ? $
05 WELL OBVIOUSLY , HE HAD TO MAKE A CLEAN BREAST AND TELL H
ER IT WAS ALL OFF - I MEAN WITH HIM GOING INTO THE MONASTERY
 . $
03 QUITE . $
05 AND NOW HE 'S DEAD . $
< ( SECRETARY SNAPS HER HANDBAG SHUT WITH A SHARP SOUND AND
TAKES HER COAT OUT OF THE CUPBOARD . ) > $
03 A SEVERE BLOW TO LOGIC , MR. CROUCH . $
05 < ( NODDING ) > $
IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL . $
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF IT , SIR ? $
03 THE TRUTH TO US PHILOSOPHERS , MR. CROUCH , IS ALWAYS AN
INTERIM JUDGMENT . $
WE WILL NEVER EVEN KNOW FOR CERTAIN WHO DID SHOOT MCFEE . $
UNLIKE MYSTERY NOVELS , LIFE DOES NOT GUARANTEE A DENOUEMENT
 ; AND IF IT CAME , HOW WOULD ONE KNOW WHETHER TO BELIEVE IT
 ? $
< ( ARCHIE AND CROUCH MOVE OUT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR . $
THE SECRETARY IS ALSO LEAVING , NOW WEARING HER ( WHITE ) CO
AT - WHICH HAS A BRIGHT SPLASH OF BLOOD ON ITS BACK . $
GEORGE SEES THE BLOOD AS SHE LEAVES THE STUDY , AND THE FLAT
 . $
IN THE UNSEEN BEDROOM , DOTTY'S RECORD OF ' FORGET YESTERDAY
 ' STARTS TO PLAY . $
GEORGE REALIZES THAT THE BLOOD MUST HAVE COME FROM THE TOP O
F THE CUPBOARD , I.E. WARDROBE . $
HE NEEDS TO STAND ON HIS DESK OR CHAIR . $
HE PUTS PAT , WHOM HE HAD BEEN HOLDING , DOWN NOW AND CLIMBS
 UP TO LOOK INTO THE TOP OF THE CUPBOARD ; AND WITHDRAWS FRO
M THE UNSEEN DEPTHS HIS MIS-FIRED ARROW , ON WHICH IS IMPALE
D THUMPER . $
THE MUSIC STILL CONTINUES . $
#82 $
HOLDING THUMPER UP BY THE ARROW , GEORGE PUTS HIS FACE AGAIN
ST THE FUR . $
A SINGLE SOB . $
HE STEPS BACKWARDS , DOWN ... $
CRRRRRUNCH !!! $
HE HAS STEPPED , FATALLY , ON PAT . $
WITH ONE FOOT ON THE DESK AND ONE FOOT ON PAT , GEORGE LOOKS
 DOWN , AND THEN PUTS UP HIS HEAD AND CRIES OUT , ' DOTTY !
$
HELP ! $
MURDER ! ' $
THE SCREEN LIGHTS UP WITH A PICTURE : DOTTY'S NAKED SKIN . $
BUT THE DERMATOGRAPH IS STILL AMBIGUOUS : IN THE PRESUMED IN
TERESTS OF MEDICAL RESEARCH , THE PICTURE MOVES WITH EROTIC
OBSESSION OVER DOTTY'S BODY IN VERY BIG CLOSE-UP : IT IS NEV
ER A 'PIN-UP' . $
GEORGE FALLS TO THE FLOOR . $
THE SONG CONTINUES . $
THE PROCESS WHICH ORIGINALLY BROUGHT THE SET INTO VIEW NOW G
OES INTO REVERSE . $
ONLY THE SCREEN REMAINS , LIT WITH DOTTY'S IMAGE . $
GEORGE'S LAST SOBS ARE AMPLIFIED AND REPEATED RIGHT INTO THE
 BEGINNING OF THE CODA . ) > $
< END OF ACT TWO > $
#83 $
< CODA > $
< ( THE SYMPOSIUM - IN BIZARRE DREAM FORM . $
CROUCH IS THE CHAIRMAN . $
THREE USHERS ( JUMPERS ) SIT IN FRONT OF CROUCH'S RAISED PLA
TFORM . $
THEY WEAR YELLOW GOWNS . $
STAINED GLASS SLIDES ARE IN AT THE BEGINNING AND STAY IN . $
THE SOBS SUBSIDE . $
GEORGE LIES STILL . ) > $
05 WELL , GENTLEMEN , THAT 'S APPROXIMATELY TWO MINUTES OF A
PPROXIMATE SILENCE . $
I THINK WE MIGHT PROCEED WITH OUR OPENING STATEMENTS - ' MAN
 - GOOD , BAD OR INDIFFERENT ? ' - SIR ARCHIBALD . $
10 CALL SIR ARCHIBALD JUMPER ! $
11 CALL SIR ARCHIBALD JUMPER . $
< ( ARCHIE SWINGS IN , HANGING ON A ROPE . $
GEORGE REMAINS PRONE . $
ENORMOUS APPLAUSE , UNREALISTICALLY CUT OFF , FOR ARCHIE . )
 > $
03 MR. CROUCH , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . $
' MAN - GOOD , BAD OR INDIFFERENT ? ' $
INDEED , IF MOON MAD HERD INSTINCT , IS GOD DAD THE INFERENC
E ? - TO TAKE ANOTHER POINT : $
IF GOONS IN MOOD , BY GAD IS SIN DIFFERENT OR BANNED GOOD ,
F'R'INSTANCE ? - THIRDLY : OUT OF THE ETHER , RANDOM NUCLEIC
 ACID TESTES OR NEITHER UNIVERSA VICE , TO NAME BUT ONE - FO
URTHLY : $
IF THE NECESSARY BEING ISN'T , SURELY MOTHER OF INVENTION AS
 VOLTAIRE SAID , NOT TO MENTION DARWIN DIFFERENT FROM THE OR
IGIN OF THE SPECIOUS - TO SUM UP : $
-GO SOMETIMES , AS DESCARTES SAID , AND WHO ARE WE ? $
THANK YOU . $
< ( SHATTERING APPLAUSE . $
THE USHERS HOLD UP SCORE CARDS : '9.7' - '9.9' - '9.8' . ) >
 $
#84 $
03 CALL CAPTAIN SCOTT . $
10 CALL CAPTAIN SCOTT . $
11 CALL CAPTAIN SCOTT . $
< ( BAND MUSIC AND SCOTT THE ASTRONAUT ENTERS ON RED CARPET
. ) > $
10 TAKE THE BOOK IN YOUR RIGHT HAND AND READ WHAT IS ON THE
CARD . $
12 NINE . $
< ( SCORECARD . ) > $
03 YOU ARE CAPTAIN HORATIO SCOTT , ASTRONAUT OF NO FIXED ABO
DE ... ? $
12 I AM . $
03 CAPTAIN SCOTT ... I SHOULD LIKE YOU TO IMAGINE IF YOU WIL
L THE SCENE OF THE EVENTS LAST THURSDAY MORNING , THE MAIN P
OINT AND FEATURE BEING THAT IT WAS A PLANET ENTIRELY UNINHAB
ITED , WAS IT NOT , SAVE FOR YOURSELF AND CAPTAIN OATES . $
YOU HAVE LATELY RETURNED FROM THERE . $
YOUR FRIEND CAPTAIN OATES , HAS NOT , AND MUST BE PRESUMED L
ATE . $
NOW , I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DESCRIBE TO MY LORD IN YOUR OWN WO
RDS YOUR FEELINGS AS YOU STOOD OUT THERE IN THE UNIVERSE , O
N YOUR OWN WORLD , SO TO SPEAK , LOOKING AT COUNTLESS OTHER
WORLDS KNOWN AND UNKNOWN , EACH OF THEM BEING POSSIBLY A HOM
E OF ONE KIND OF LIFE OR ANOTHER , WITH CERTAIN CUSTOMS OR P
ERHAPS NONE , AND I SHOULD LIKE YOU TO TELL MY LORD EXACTLY
WHAT WERE YOUR INSTINCTIVE CONSIDERATIONS UPON DISCOVERING T
HAT YOUR DETECTIVE VEHICLE HAD ONLY ENOUGH POWER TO LIFT ONE
 MAN OFF YOUR WORLD'S SURFACE ; WITH SPECIAL REFERENCE TO YO
UR SENIORITY OVER CAPTAIN OATES , YOUR RATIONAL ASSESSMENT O
F YOUR RESPECTIVE USEFULNESS TO SOCIETY ON EARTH , YOUR RESP
ONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF WITHOUT WHICH THERE CAN BE NO RESPONS
IBILITY TO OTHERS , AND YOUR NATURAL RESPONSE TO A PURE SITU
ATION THAT ROBBED YOU OF HISTORY AND LEFT YOU NAKED , AN ADA
M IN A TREELESS , LEAFLESS AND FRUITLESS PRESENT WITHOUT A P
AST . $
12 THAT 'S IT . $
03 NO FURTHER QUESTIONS . $
05 PROFESSOR MOORE ? $
10 PROFESSOR MOORE . $
10 PROFESSOR MOORE . $
10 PROFESSOR MOORE . $
#85 $
11 PROFESSOR MOORE . $
03 PROFESSOR MOORE . $
< ( GEORGE GETS UP SLOWLY AND LOOKS AROUND . $
GEORGE OPENS HIS MOUTH TO QUESTION SCOTT BUT ABANDONS THE TH
OUGHT . ) > $
01 NO . $
WHY SHOULD I CROSS-EXAMINE THE FIGURES OF MY DREAMS . $
IF THAT IS THE REAL CAPTAIN SCOTT , THEN I AM THE ARCHBISHOP
 OF CANTERBURY . $
03 MR. CHAIRMAN , MY FRIEND IS SUFFERING FROM A DELUSION . $
I SHALL BE CALLING THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY AS MY NEXT W
ITNESS . $
10 CALL THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY ! $
11 CALL THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY ! $
< ( MUSIC CUE AND CLEGTHORPE ENTERS , DRESSED AS FOR A CORON
ATION , AND ATTENDED BY TWO YELLOW-GARBED CHAPLAINS ( JUMPER
S ) WHO POSITION THEMSELVES DOWNSTAGE STARING AT THE AUDIENC
E . $
SCOTT , MEANWHILE , HAS RETIRED . ) > $
03 MY LORD , IT MIGHT SAVE THE COURT'S TIME , AND MY FRIEND'
S TOO , IF I WERE TO EXPLAIN NOW THAT HIS GRACE HAS CERTAIN
DOUBTS ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF GOD , AND DOES NOT WISH TO TAK
E THE OATH , AS A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE . $
YOU ARE SAMUEL CLEGTHORPE , ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY ? $
13 FOR MY SINS . $
05 WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THAT ? $
03 I THINK HE WAS HOPING FOR A CABINET POST , MY LORD . $
... YOUR GRACE , WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER TO DISPUTE THE GOO
DNESS , BADNESS OR INDIFFERENCE OF MAN . $
AS THE SENIOR CLERIC OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND , YOU HAVE NO
DOUBT THOUGHT DEEPLY ABOUT THIS . $
13 WELL , UNTIL RECENTLY , I HAVE BEEN MAINLY INTERESTED IN
THE BIRDS OF THE AIR AND THE BEASTS OF THE FIELD - ROOKS , B
ADGERS , RABBITS - AND SO ON . $
03 QUITE . $
BUT I THINK YOU ARE AWARE THAT THERE IS GREAT UNCERTAINTY IN
 THE LAND . $
THE GROUND SHIFTS . $
THE COMMON PEOPLE TO LOOK TO YOU FOR GUIDANCE . $
13 YES . $
MY CHAPLAINS HAD TO USE TEAR GAS TO DISPERSE THEM . $
IN MY OPINION , THE COVERNMENT IS GOING TOO FAST . $
< ( THE CHAPLAINS TURN TO LOOK AT HIM . ) > $
#86 $
03 SURELY THAT IS A MATTER BEST LEFT TO THE GOVERNMENT ? $
13 THEY WERE SHOUTING ' GIVE US THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB . $
GIVE US THE BREAD OF THE BODY OF CHRIST ' - $
03 THAT 'S HARDLY A RATIONAL DEMAND . $
13 THEY WON'T GO AWAY ! ... $
SURELY BELIEF IN MAN COULD FIND ROOM FOR MAN'S BELIEFS ... ?
 $
< ( BEHIND HIM THE USHERS STAND UP . ) > $
03 ARCHBISHOP , THE CAT HAS ALREADY JUMPED . $
< ( THE CHAPLAINS BACK-FLIP INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE , F
LANKING CLEGTHORPE NOW ; OR CARTWHEELS IF BACK-FLIPS ARE NOT
 POSSIBLE . ) > $
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS . $
13 WELL , I 'D JUST LIKE TO SAY - I DON'T LIKE TO SEE MY FLO
CK WEEPING IN MY GARDEN AT LAMBETH - $
03 < ( SHARPLY ) > $
MY LORD ARCHBISHOP , WHEN I WAS LAST IN LAMBETH I SAW GOOD S
TRAWBERRIES IN YOUR GARDEN - I DO BESEECH YOU SEND FOR SOME
. $
< ( USHERS AND CHAPLAINS TAKE A STEP . $
13 YES , ALL RIGHT , BUT YOU MUST APPRECIATE MY POSITION - I
 MEAN THAT I AM ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY - $
03 WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT PRIEST ! $
< ( FROM EACH SIDE OF THE STAGE , AS THOUGH CATAPULTED ( FRO
M TRAMPOLINES OFF STAGE ) A YELLOW JUMPER LEAPS INTO THE MID
LE OF THS STAGE , BOTH JUMPERS LANDING TOGETHER IN FRONT OF
LEGTHORPE , WITH THE FIRST BAR OF INTRODUCTION TO ' SENTIMEN
TAL JOURNEY ' . $
THE SEVEN JUMPERS ( I.E. TWO CHAPLAINS , THREE USHERS AND TH
E LATTER TWO ) ARE NOW ONE UNIT , USING THE MUSIC TO CHOREOG
RAPH THE THREAT TO CLEGTHORPE . $
GEORGE WATCHES , MOVES HESITANTLY . $
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS NOW ,  AND IT OUGHT NOT TA TAKE AS LONG
 TO HAPPEN AS IT DOES TO DESCRIBE IT : THE JUMPERS AND THE M
USIC TOGETHER KEEP THE BEAT : THE PATTERN OF MEN CHANGES AND
 IN SIX SEPARATE MOVEMENTS CLEGTHORPE IS MOVED UPSTAGE UNTIL
 HE IS STANDING ON CROUCH 'S DESK AS PART OF A PYRAMID OF JU
MPERS . ) > $
01 POINT OF ORDER , MR. CHAIRMAN . $
13 PROFESSOR - IT 'S NOT RIGHT . $
GEORGE - HELP . $
#87 $
05 DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR THIS WITNESS , PROFESSOR ?
$
01 ER ... NO , I DON'T THINK SO . $
05 THANK YOU . $
< ( THE MUSIC GOES LOUDER . ) > $
01 WELL , THIS SEEMS TO BE A POLITICAL QUARREL ... $
SURELY ONLY A PROPER RESPECT FOR ABSOLUTE VALUES ... UNIVERS
AL THRUTHS - PHILOSOPHY - $
< ( A GUNSHOT . $
IT STOPS THE MUSIC , AND KNOCKS CLEGTHORPE OUT OF THE PYRAMI
D , WHICH DISINTEGRATES . $
WHEN EVERYTHING IS STILL : ) > $
03 CALL DOTTY MOORE ! $
< ( EVERYTHING COMES VIVIDLY TO LIFE : LOUD MUSIC BRINGS THE
 JUMPERS TO THEIR FEET . $
THE SCREEN TURNS TO A BRILLIANT STARRY SKY . $
THE MUSIC IS THE INTRODUCTION TO ' SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY ' , A
ND DOTTY IS TO MAKE HER ENTRANCE ON A SPANGLED CRESCENT MOON
 ... WITH THE JUMPERS AS DANCERS . ) > $
07 < ( SING ) > : $
CALLING DOTTY MOORE , CALLING DOTTY MOORE , CALL DOTTY MOORE
 . $
02 < ( SINGS ) > : $
DID I HEAR YOU CALL , WILL YOU TELL ME WHY ? $
AM I DREAMING , IS THIS REALLY ME ? $
SHOW ME WHERE TO STAND , AND I 'LL TELL YOU MY PHILOSOPHY .
$
HERE IS MY CONSISTENT PROPOSITION , TWO AND TWO MAKE ROUGHLY
 FOUR - $
GENTLEMEN , THAT IS MY PROPOSITION , YOURS SINCERELY DOTTY M
OORE . $
AS FOR MAN , I GOT MY RESERVATIONS , GOING BY EXPERIENCE $
SOME AIN'T BAD AND SOME ARE REVELATIONS , NEVER MET INDIFFER
ENCE . $
HEAVEN , HOW CAN I BELIEVE IN HEAVEN ? $
JUST A LYING RHYME FOR SEVEN ! $
SCORED FOR VIOLINS ON MULTI-TRACK THAT TAKES ME BACK TO HAPP
Y DAYS WHEN I KNEW HOW TO MAKE IT $
#88 $
I KNEW HOW TO HOLD A TUNE TILL THE NIGHT THEY HAD TO GO AND
BREAK IT - $
01 < ( SHOUTS ) > : STOP ! ! $
< ( EVERYTHING FREEZES . ) > $
A REMARKABLE NUMBER OF APPARENTLY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE ARE BAF
FLED BY THE FACT THAT A DIFFERENT GROUP OF APPARENTLY INTELL
GENT PEOPLE PROFESS TO A KNOWLEDGE OF GOD WHEN COMMON SENSE
TELLS THEM - THE FIRST GROUP OF APPARENTLY INTELLIGENT PEOPL
E - THAT KNOWLEDGE IS ONLY A POSSIBILITY IN MATTERS THAT CAN
 BE DEMONSTRATED TO BE TRUE OR FALSE , SUCH AS THAT THE BRIS
TOL TRAIN LEAVES FROM PADDINGTON . $
AND YET THESE SAME APPARENTLY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE , WHO IN EX
TREME CASES WILL NOT EVEN ADMIT THAT THE BRISTOL TRAIN LEFT
FROM PADDINGTON YESTERDAY - WHICH MIGHT BE A MALICIOUS REPOR
T OR A COLLECTIVE TRICK OF MEMORY - NOR THAT IT WILL LEAVE F
ROM THERE TOMORROW - FOR NOTHING IS CERTAIN - AND WILL ONLY
AGREE THAT IT DID SO TODAY IF THEY WERE ACTUALLY THERE WHEN
IT LEFT - AND EVEN THEN ONLY ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT ALL T
HE OBSERVABLE PHENOMENA ASSOCIATED WITH THE TRAIN LEAVING PA
DDINGTON COULD EQUALLY WELL BE ACCOUNTED FOR BY PADDINGTON L
EAVING THE TRAIN - THESE SAME PEOPLE WILL , NEVERTHELESS , A
AND WITHOUT ANY SENSE OF INCONSISTENCY , CLAIM TO KNOW THAT
LIFE IS BETTER THAN DEATH , THAT LOVE IS BETTER THAN HATE ,
AND THAT THE LIGHT SHINING THROUGH THE EAST WINDOW OF THEIR
BLOODY GYMNASIUM IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN A ROTTING CORPSE ! -
 $
IN EVIDENCE OF WHICH I ASK YOU , GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY , TO
CONSIDER THE TESTIMONY OF SUCH WITNESSES AS ZENO EVIL , ST.
THOMAS AUGUSTINE , JESUS MOORE AND MY LATE FRIEND THE LATE H
ERR THUMPER WHO WAS AS INNOCENT AS A RAINBOW ... $
03 DO NOT DESPAIR - MANY ARE HAPPY MUCH OF THE TIME ; MORE E
AT THA STARVE , MORE ARE HEALTHY THAN SICK , MORE CURABLE TH
AN DYING ; NOT SO MANY DYING AS DEAD ; AND ONE OF THE THIEVE
S WAS SAVED . $
HELL 'S BELLS AND ALL 'S WELL - HALF THE WORLD IS AT PEACE W
ITH ITSELF , AND SO IS THE OTHER HALF ; VAST AREAS ARE UNPOL
UTED ; MILLIONS OF CHILDREN GROW UP WITHOUT SUFFERING DEPRIV
ATION , AND MILLIONS , WHILE DEPRIVED , GROW UP WITHOUT SUFF
ERING CRUELTIES , AND MILLIONS , WHILE DEPRIVED AND CRUELLY
TREATED , NONE THE LESS GROW UP . $
#89 $
NO LAUGHTER IS SAD AND MANY TEARS ARE JOYFUL . $
AT THE GRAVESIDE THE UNDERTAKER DOFFS HIS TOP HAT AND IMPREG
NATES THE PRETTIEST MOURNER . $
WHAM , BAM , THANK YOU SAM . $
< ( THE LIGHT HAS REDUCED TO A SPOT ON DOTTY . $
02< ( SINGS WITHOUT MUSIC ) > $
GOODBYE SPOONY JUNEY MOON . $
< BLACKOUT > $