<< *148 . PETER NICHOLS : A DAY IN THE DEATH OF JOE EGG . L ONDON , FABER , 1967 . 87 P. FIRST PERF. : 090567 . CHAR. : 01 BRI , 02 SHEILA , 03 JOE , 04 PAM , 05 FREDDIE , 06 GRACE >> $ #9 $ < ACT ONE > $ < BRI AND SHEILA . $ BRI COMES ON WITHOUT WARNING . $ SHOUTS AT AUDIENCE . > $ 01 THAT 'S ENOUGH ! $ < ( PAUSE . $ ALMOST AT ONCE , LOUDER . ) > $ I SAID ENOUGH ! $ < ( PAUSE . $ STARES AT AUDIENCE . $ HE IS THIRTY-THREE BUT LOOKS YOUNGER . $ HARDLY EVER AT REST , ACTS BEING MALADROIT BUT THE ACT IS SK ILFUL . $ CLOWNING MAY GIVE WAY TO INEFFECTUAL HECTORING AND THEN SELF PITEOUS GLOOM . ) > $ ANOTHER WORD AND YOU 'LL ALL BE HERE TILL FIVE O'CLOCK . $ NOTHING TO ME , IS IT ? $ I 'VE GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD . $ < ( MOVE ACROSS WITHOUT TAKING HIS EYES OFF THEM . ) > $ I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THE END OF THE CORRIDOR BEFORE THERE WA S SUCH A DIN ALL THE OTHER TEACHERS STARTED OPENING THEIR DO ORS AS MUCH AS TO SAY WHAT THE HELL 'S GOING ON THERE 'S SOM EBODY 'S TALKING NOW ! $ < ( PAUSE , STARES AGAIN , LIKE SOMEONE FACING A MAD DOG . ) > $ WHO WAS IT ? $ YOU ? $ YOU , MISTER MAN ? $ ... I DID NOT ACCUSE YOU , I ASKED YOU . $ SOMEONE IN THE BACK ROW ? $ < ( STARES DUMBLY FOR SOME SECONDS . $ RELAXES , MOVES A FEW STEPS . $ SHRUGS . ) > $ YOU 'RE THE LOSERS , NOT ME . $ WHO 'S THAT ? $ < ( TURNS ON THEM AGAIN . ) > $ RIGHT - HANDS ON HEADS ! $ COME ON , THAT INCLUDES YOU , PUT THE COMB AWAY . $ EYES FRONT AND SIT UP . $ ALL OF YOU , SIT UP ! $ < ( PUTS HIS OWN HANDS ON HIS HEAD FOR A WHILE , WATCHING FO R A MOVE , WAITING FOR A SOUND , THEN TAKES THEM DOWN . $ SUDDENLY ROARS . ) > $ HANDS ON HEAD AND EYES FRONT ! $ YOU I 'M TALKING TO ! $ YOU 'LL BE TIRED BY THE TIME I 'VE FINISHED . $ STAND ON YOUR SEAT . $ AND KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEADS . $ NEVER MIND WHAT 'S GOING ON OUTSIDE , THAT JOKER AT THE BACK . $ KEEP LOOKING OUT HERE . $ EYES FRONT , HANDS ON HEADS . $ < ( MOVES ACROSS . ) > $ < ( BELL RINGS . ) > $ WHO SAID MOVE ? $ NOBODY . $ SAID MOVE . $ HANDS ON HEADS ... $ NEXT ONE TO GROAN STANDS ON THE SEAT . $ WE 'RE GOING TO HAVE ONE MINUTE'S PERFECT SILENCE BEFORE YOU GO . $ < ( LOOKS AT HIS WATCH . ) > $ IF WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL MIDNIGHT . $ < ( STANDS WATCHING FOR SOME SECONDS . ) > $ #10 $ THAT 'S NICE . $ I LIKE THAT . $ NOW TRY TO HOLD IT JUST LIKE THAT TILL I GET TO THIS MACHINE -GUN OVER HERE . $ < ( MOVES UPSTAGE , TURNING HIS BACK . $ TURNS BACK AT ONCE . ) > $ MY FAULT , ALL RIGHT . $ LITTLE JOKE . $ NO MORE LAUGHING . $ EYES FRONT , HANDS ON HEADS . $ < ( WAITS FOR SILENCE , LOOKS AT WATCH , MOVING ACROSS SUDDE NLY LOOKS UP , VERY CROSS AGAIN . ) > $ WHO WAS THAT ? $ WHOEVER DID - THAT - CAN OPEN THE WINDOW BEFORE WE ALL GET G ASSED ... $ WAIT A MINUTE ! $ THREE OF YOU ? $ WHAT ARE YOU - A GROUP ? $ ONE GO - ONE NEAREST THE WINDOW . $ ALL THE OTHERS , EYES FRONT , HANDS ON HEADS . $ RIGHT . $ < ( LOOKS AT WATCH . ) > $ THAT CHARACTERISTIC PERFORMANCE FROM OUR FRIEND NEAR THE WIN DOW MEANS WE RETURN TO GO . $ < ( LOOKS UP SHARPLY . ) > $ SHALL I MAKE IT TWO MINUTES ? $ < ( LOOKS DOWN AGAIN . $ TEN SECONDS PASS . ) > $ WE COULD HAVE HAD THIS SOONER . $ THEN WE SHOULDN'T BE WASTING TIME SITTING HERE WHEN WE MIGHT BE ... WELL ... LET 'S ALL - THINK - WHAT WE MIGHT BE DOING - 'STEAD OF SITTING HERE WHEN THE REST HAVE ALL GONE HOME - WE COULD BE ... $ < ( SPEAKING QUIETLY NOW , ABSENTLY INTO SPACE . $ FEW MORE SECONDS PASS . $ WHEN HE SPEAKS AGAIN , IT IS AS IF IN A REVERIE . ) > $ YES - EYES FRONT ... HANDS ON BREASTS ... STOP THE LAUGHTER ! $ WHO WANTS TO START ANOTHER MINUTE ? $ < ( LOOKS AT WATCH THEN UP AGAIN . ) $ AND WHATEVER THE GREAT JOKE IS , WHATEVER IT IS THAT HAS SO TICKLED YOUR STONE AGE SENSE OF HUMOUR - WHEN ALL MY EFFORTS HAVE FAILED ... SAVE IT TILL YOU 'RE OUTSIDE . $ I 'M GOING TO GET MY COAT FROM THE STAFF-ROOM NOW . $ AND YOU WILL BE AS QUIET AS MICE - NO , FISH - TILL I GET BA CK . $ ALL RIGHT ? $ I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A SOUND . $ NOT A BUBBLE . $ < ( GOES OFF . ) > $ < ( LIGHTS UP ON SET BEHIND ; LIVING-ROOM . ) > $ < ( PLEASANT AND COMFORTABLE , FURNISHED WITH A GALLANT COLL ECTION OF JUNK-SHOP BARGAINS AND H.P. MODERN . $ PLAIN WALLS WITH TWO ESSENTIAL DOORS AND ONE OPTIONAL WINDOW . $ DOOR IN UPSTAGE WALL LEADS TO HALL AND STAIRS , WHICH CAN BE SEEN WHEN THE DOOR IS OPENED . $ DOOR IN OTHER WALL LEADS TO KITCHEN . $ BIRD IN CAGE , FISH IN TANK , PLANTS IN POTS . $ TWO PAINTINGS OF COWBOYS ARE CONSPICUOUS . ) > $ < ( SHEILA , WEARING TROUSERS AND PULLOVER , COMES FROM KITC HEN WITH TEA ON A TRAY . $ SHE IS THIRTY-FIVE , GENEROUSLY BUILT , SERIOUS AND INDUSTRI OUS . $ WHEN DRESSED FOR SOCIETY , SHE CAN BE CAPTIVATING . ) > $ #11 $ < ( PUTS DOWN TRAY AND RUNS BACK TO KITCHEN DOOR , PUSHING W ITH HER FOOT , KEEPING OUT AN ANIMAL . ) > $ 02 BACK , BACK , NO NO . $ < ( SHUTS THE DOOR AND COMES BACK . $ DOOR SLAMS OFF . $ SHEILA STARTS POURING TEA . ) > $ < ( SHOUTS . ) > $ BRI ? $ 01 < ( OFF ) > $ NO . $ 02 < ( SHOUTS ) > $ JUST GOT TEA . $ < ( HE COMES ON , APPROACHES HER , TAKES THE OFFERED KISS , THEN STANDS CLOSE LOOKING AT HER . $ SHE GOES BACK TO POURING TEA AND OFFERS HIM HIS CUP . $ HE DOESN'T TAKE IT , SO SHE LOOKS AT HIS FACE . $ SHE SCREAMS , NEARLY SPILLS TEA . ) > $ WHAT 'S THAT ? $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 ON YOUR FACE ! $ 01 WHERE ? $ 02 NEAR YOUR EYE . $ 01 WHAT IS IT ? $ 02 A BLACK THING . $ 01 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE - $ 02 A SPIDER - $ 01 SHALL I TOUCH IT ? $ 02 A GREAT BLACK - GET IT OFF ! $ 01 HOW ? $ 02 KNOCK IT OFF ! $ < ( BRI TAKES IT OFF , SMILING . ) > $ 02 UGH ! $ < ( HE PUTS IT ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND AND SHOWS HER . ) > $ 01 I CONFISCATED IT . $ < ( SHE KNOCKS IT AWAY ANGRILY . ) > $ FROM TERRY HUGHES . $ 02 VICIOUS SOD ! $ 01 HE IS . $ FOR THIRTEEN . $ 02 YOU , I MEAN . $ 01 IN RELIGIOUS INSTRUCTION . $ 02 IT 'S NOT FUNNY . $ 01 WHAT I TOLD HIM . $ < ( SHE HAS TURNED FROM HIM . $ HE SEES HE HAS DONE WRONG AND NOW TRIES TO MAKE AMENDS . $ #12 $ APPROACHES FROM BEHIND AND KISSES HER NECK . ) > $ 02 GET AWAY ! $ 01 OH , LOOK - $ 02 WHY D' YOU DO IT , BRIAN , HONESTLY ? $ YOU KNOW THAT WOULD UPSET ME AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO - $ 01 SORRY , LOVE . $ 02 I EVEN KISSED YOU - $ 01 SORRY . $ < ( HE TAKES AND DRINKS THE TEA . $ SO DOES SHE . $ HE PUTS DOWN CUP AND KISSES HER AGAIN . $ THEN CARESSES HER . ) > $ OH , LOVE , IF YOU KNEW HOW I 'D BEEN THINKING OF YOU - $ 02 YOU 'LL SPILL THIS TEA . $ 01 LET 'S GO TO BED , COME ON . $ 02 OW ! $ - DON'T - $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 YOUR HANDS ARE COLD , YOU 'VE JUST COME IN - $ 01 LET 'S GO TO BED . $ 02 AT QUARTER TO FIVE ? $ 01 I CAME HOME EARLY SPECIALLY . $ 02 THE USUAL TIME . $ 01 YEAH , BUT I WAS GOING TO KEEP THEM IN . $ 02 WHO ? $ 01 FOUR D. $ 02 DID YOU SAY YOU WOULD ? $ 01 YES . $ 02 TO THEM ? $ 01 YES . $ 02 THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU ? $ 01 I KEPT IMAGINING OUR BED , OUR ROOM , YOUR LEGS THRASHING ABOUT - $ 02 WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN ? $ 01 MY TONGUE HALF-WAY DOWN YOUR THROAT - $ < ( HE IS AT HER AGAIN . ) > $ 02 YOU MUST CARRY OUT YOUR THREATS . $ 01 - TRAIN SCREAMING INTO TUNNEL - $ 02 THEY 'LL NEVER LISTEN TO YOU IF YOU DON'T - $ 01 - WAVES BREAKING ON ROCKY SHORE . $ #13 $ < ( SHE MOVES OUT OF HIS REACH . $ PAUSE . $ HE SIPS TEA , WINCES . ) > $ SUGAR . $ < ( HE HELPS HIMSELF . ) > $ 02 YOU WANT BROMIDE . $ 01 I WANT YOU . $ IT 'S YOU I WANT . $ < ( TURNS , MAKES A JOKE OF IT , POINTING TO HER LIKE THE AD VERT . ) > $ I WANT YOU . $ KITCHENER , LOOK . $ I WANT YOU . $ < ( SHE SMILES . $ HE SITS AND DRINKS . ) > $ 02 YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT THEM IN . $ 01 I DID FOR A BIT . $ THEN I LEFT THEM WITH THEIR HANDS ON HEADS AND WENT TO FETCH MY COAT AND SUDDENLY COULDN'T FACE THEM ANY MORE , SO I NEV ER WENT BACK . $ WONDER HOW LONG THEY SAT THERE . $ 02 BRIAN - $ 01 TERRY HODGES , FATTY BRENT ... $ GLAZEBROOK , THE SHOPSTEWARD - HE 'S GOT A NEW WATCH . $ AND OF COURSE SCANLON - $ < ( SHAKES HIS HEAD AT THE IDEA . ) > $ - THE MISSING LINK . $ PITHECANTHROPUS ERECTUS . $ 02 HAS HE FLASHED IT LATELY ? $ 01 NOT AT THE TEACHERS ANYWAY . $ 02 ONLY THAT ONCE . $ 01 THAT ONCE WAS THE ONLY TIME IT WAS REPORTED . $ 02 POOR GIRL . $ 01 SOME OF THE OLDER WOMEN MIGHT KEEP QUIET . $ HOPE FOR MORE . $ 02 WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GIRL ? $ 01 NEVER HEARD OF SINCE . $ 02 NOT SURPRISING . $ 01 SHORTEST TEACHING CAREER ON RECORD . $ THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES . $ < ( THEY DRINK . ) > $ NO , I DON'T HATE SCANLON ANY MORE . $ THAT 'S ALL A THING OF THE PAST . $ I JUST STARE AT HIM AND WONDER - IS HE ONLY A MONSTER OF MY OWN IMAGINING ? $ < ( MAD DOCTOR VOICE COMES ON , NOT FOR THE LAST TIME . ) > $ 'CERTAINLY , NURSE , HE STRANGLED A LITTLE GIRL , BUT THAT O NLY MEANS HE 'S LONELY . $ WE MUST MAKE HIM A MATE . $ < ( SHEILA SMILES . $ HE DRINKS AGAIN . ) > $ NO , YOU TAKE THIS MORNING . $ I WAS ON PLAYGROUND DUTY SIPPING MY NESCAFF , DREAMING OF A SUDDEN PAINLESS ROAD ACCIDENT THAT WOULD PUT AN END TO IT AL L . $ SUDDENLY AWARE OF THE SILENCE - TOO QUIET FOR COMFORT . $ FEW OF THE WILDER ELEMENTS SNIGGERING AND CASTING CRAFTY GLA NCES . $ #14 $ WHIPPED ROUND IN TIME TO SPOT SCANLON SIDLING INTO THE GIRLS ' BOG . $ WENT TO THE DOOR AND SHOUTED , " THAT BOY , OUT OF IT ! " $ SAW THIS FIGURE ZIPPING UP HIS FLIES IN A PANIC . $ NOT SCANLON AT ALL . $ 02 NO ! $ 01 NO . $ THIS NEW SUPPLY TEACHER . $ 02 OH , NO . $ 01 YES . $ 02 FUNNY THAT WAY ? $ 01 NOT A BIT . $ HE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THE GIRLS' ONLY LOOKS ABOUT TWELVE EVE N FROM THE FRONT . $ DRESSES LIKE THEM TOO . $ WHY CAN'T HE WEAR THE RIGHT BLOODY UNIFORM - TWEEDY JACKET A ND LEATHER ELBOWS - SO WE 'D KNOW WHOSE SIDE HE 'S ON ? $ < ( PAUSE AGAIN . $ HE EATS A BISCUIT . ) > $ 02 NEVER MIND . $ YOU BREAK UP IN TWO DAYS . $ 01 I BROKE UP YEARS AGO . $ < ( PUTS DOWN CUP . $ HE EMBRACES HER . $ SHE DISENGAGES . $ HE LOOKS AT HIS HANDS . ) > $ 01 SHALL I PUT MY GLOVES ON ? $ 02 WHAT 'S THE POINT OF STARTING NOW ? $ JOE'S HOME ANY MINUTE . $ 01 WELL ? $ 02 WELL ! $ SHE 'S GOT TO BE FED , BATHED , EXERCISED , PUT TO BED . $ YOU KNOW THAT . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 01 SHE CAN WAIT . $ 02 WHAT ? $ 01 WELL , CAN'T SHE ? $ 02 WHY SHOULD SHE ? $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ ANYWAY MY REHEARSAL 'S AT SEVEN AND I PROMISED TO PAINT SOME SCENERY BEFORE THAT . $ < ( BRI MOVES AWAY , KICKS OFF SHOES , SPRAWLS IN ARMCHAIR . $ SHE GIVES HIM MORE TEA . ) > $ I SHOULDN'T BE LATE BUT YOUR DINNER 'S IN THE OVEN . $ ON AUTOMATIC . $ < ( HE TAKES OUT CIGARETTE , FINDS MATCHBOX IS EMPTY . ) > $ TAKE IT OUT ANY TIME AFTER SEVEN . $ YOU 'D NEVER BELIEVE THE JOB I HAD FINDING A MINIATURE BOTTL E OF KIRSCH . $ IN THE LOCAL OFF-LICENCE THEY OFFERED SPANISH VAN ROSE INSTE AD . $ #15 $ LUCKILY I WAS GOING INTO TOWN SO I GOT IT THERE . $ I HAD TO TAKE THOSE OLD CLOTHES INTO THE UNMARRIED MOTHERS . $ THEY WERE ONLY COLLECTING MOTHS . $ WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ? $ 01 MATCHES . $ < ( SHE GIVES THEM TO HIM . ) > $ COLLECTING MOTHS ? $ THE UNMARRIED MOTHERS ? $ 02 THE CLOTHES . $ SO I GOT THE KIRSCH AT THE SAME TIME . $ OH , AND ALL THE WILD-LIFE 'S FED - THE CATS , THE GUINEA-PI GS , THE GOLDFISH , THE STICK-INSECTS - $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 01 THE GINGER-BEER PLANT ? $ 02 ALL THE PLANTS . $ OH , REMEMBER NOT TO LET THE CATS IN . $ I FOUND A FLEA IN HERE TODAY AGAIN . $ AND THIS AFTERNOON I DID MY OXFAM COLLECTION AND LOOKED AFTE R JENNY'S CHILDREN WHILE SHE GOT HER COIL FITTED . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ QUITE A DAY , ONE WAY OR ANOTHER . $ WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ? $ 01 WONDERING IF WE COULD HAVE OUR GUINEA-PIG FITTED WITH A C OIL . $ OR GUINEA-SOW , SHOULD IT BE ? $ < ( SCRATCHES . $ JUMPS OUT OF THE CHAIR . ) > $ I 'VE GOT ONE NOW . $ < ( LOOKS CLOSELY AT CHAIR FOR FLEAS . ) > $ 02 IF YOU 'VE HAD A BAD DAY , WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME ? $ 01 BAD DAY ? $ YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE STAFFROOM . $ CHRISTMAS SPIRIT NEARLY AT BREAKING-POINT . $ EXCUSE ME , I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT WAS MY SOAP YOU 'RE USING - SOD OFF ! $ - I BEG YOUR PARDON ? $ - SOD OFF , MATEY - COME OUTSIDE AND SAY THAT - GROW UP - NO , I INSIST - COME ON - I SANG : GREAT TIDINGS OF COMFORT AN D JOY . $ BUT IT FELL ON STONY GROUND . $ < ( HE SITS ON SOFA , SHE SITS BESIDE HIM , TAKES HIS HAND . ) > $ I SAID TO MY CLASS , " RIGHT - CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS - PAPER -CHAINS . " $ DEEP VOICE FROM THE BACK SAID , " KIDS' STUFF . " $ I FROWNED AT HIM AND REALIZED I 'D NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE . $ TURNED OUT HE WAS THE ELDER BROTHER OF ONE OF THE MORE BACKW ARD BOYS . $ ON THE DOLE , HE 'D COME IN OUT OF THE COLD , BEEN SITTING I N CLASSES ALL DAY , NOBODY 'D NOTICED . $ 02 DID YOU THROW HIM OUT ? $ 01 WHAT FOR ? $ < ( SMILES AT RECOLLECTION . ) > $ WHEN HE BROUGHT ME UP HIS PAPER-CHAIN , HE SAID , " YOU 'RE NOT MUCH GOOD AT TEACHING , ARE YOU , MATE ? " $ #16 $ 02 OH , I SHOULD HAVE HIT HIM . $ 01 HE MEANT IT NICELY . $ < ( SMOKES . ) > $ I MUST FIND SOMETHING ELSE . $ 02 COME WITH ME TO REHEARSAL . $ DO YOU GOOD TO GET OUT , SEE SOME PEOPLE . $ 01 WHAT PEOPLE ? $ FREDDIE ? $ 02 PLENTY OF WHISKY AFTERWARDS . $ 01 I SHOULD WANT THE WHISKY FIRST - $ 02 ALL RIGHT , FIRST - $ 01 - IF I HAD TO TALK TO FREDDIE . $ 02 ALL RIGHT . $ 01 IF I HAD TO WATCH YOU CAPER ABOUT WITH MUCK ON YOUR FACE . $ 02 SHALL I RING YOUR MOTHER AND SEE IF SHE 'S FREE ? $ 01 BLOODY HELL ! $ WHAT A SWINGING PROSPECT ! $ MY MOTHER , FREDDIE - $ 02 I SEEM TO REMEMBER - $ 01 AND ALL THAT KIRSCH BUBBLING AWAY DOWN THERE . $ 02 I SEEM TO REMEMBER IT WAS YOU INTRODUCED ME TO FREDDIE IN THE FIRST PLACE . $ < ( DOORBELL RINGS . ) > $ 01 THERE 'S JOE . $ 02 REMEMBER THAT . $ < ( BRI GETS UP AND MAKES FOR DOOR WHILE SHEILA SHOUTS . ) > $ AND AT LEAST I DON'T JUST SIT ABOUT COINING EPIGRAMS - WALLO WING IN SELF-PITY ! $ AT LEAST I DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ! $ 01 YOU AND FREDDIE TOGETHER , YES - $ < ( GOES OFF . ) > $ 02 < ( SHOUTS ) > $ AT LEAST I TRY TO MAKE LIFE WORK INSTEAD OF - $ < ( BREAKS OFF . $ SIGHS DEEPLY , ALMOST AS THOUGH DOING AN EXERCISE IN RELAXAT ION . ) > $ HONESTLY . $ < ( PUTS CUPS ON TRAY AND TAKES IT OFF TO KITCHEN . ) > $ GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR THEN YOU WON'T GET STEPPED ON . $ < ( SHUTS IT BEHIND HER . ) > $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ < ( BRI HAS LEFT HALL DOOR OPEN , SHOWING HALL AND LOWER PAR T OF THE STAIRS . $ HE NOW COMES BACK WHEELING JOE IN HER INVALID CHAIR . ) > $ < ( JOE IS TEN , PHYSICALLY NORMAL BUT FOR THE STIFFNESS OF HER LEGS AND ARMS . $ HER LEGS , AT THIS STAGE , ARE COVERED WITH A BLANKET . $ SHE CANNOT SUPPORT HERSELF PROPERLY AND HAS TO BE PROPPED WH EREVER SHE IS PUT : FOR THE MOST PART , SHE LIES SUPINE . $ #17 $ IN HER CHAIR , SHE SITS WITH THE UPPER PART OF HER BODY FORW ARD ON THE TRAY IN FRONT OF HER CHAIR , AS THOUGH ASLEEP . $ HER FACE IS PRETTY BUT VACANT OF EXPRESSION , HER VOICE FEEB LE . ) > $ < ( BRI PUSHES HER TO THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE . $ HE CARRIES A SMALL GRIP MARKED BOAC . ) > $ 01 THERE WE ARE THEN , LOVELY . $ HOME AGAIN . $ < ( LEAVES HER , PUTS DOWN GRIP , LOOKS AT HER . ) > $ SAFE AND SOUND . $ YOU BEEN A GOOD GIRL ? $ 03 A-AAAH ! $ < ( THIS IS HER CLOSEST APPROACH TO SPEECH . ) > $ 01 REALLY GOOD ? $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 01 THE LADY IN THE BUS SAID YOU 'D BEEN GOOD . $ SAT BY THE DRIVER , DID YOU ? $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 01 THERE 'S A CLEVER GIRL ! $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 01 < ( AS THOUGH HE UNDERSTOOD ) > $ SAW THE CHRISTMAS TREES ? $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 01 AND THE SHOPS LIT UP ? $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 01 WHAT D' YOU SAY ? $ SAW JESUS ? $ WHERE WAS HE , WHERE WAS JESUS , YOU POOR SOFTY ? $ < ( SHEILA COMES BACK . ) > $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 01 I SEE . $ 02 MY GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL DARLING HOME AT LAST ? $ < ( KNEELS BY HER CHAIR . ) > $ GOT A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL KISS FOR MUMMY ? $ < ( KISSES HER . ) > $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 02 I 'M LOVELY , SHE SAYS . $ 01 MAD , SHE SAYS , BUT LOVELY . $ 02 SHE BEEN A GOOD GIRL , DAD ? $ DID THE LADY SAY ? $ 01 VERY GOOD , MUM . $ SHE SAT BY THE DRIVER . $ 02 < ( MOCK AMAZEMENT ) > $ DID YOU SIT BY THE DRIVER ? $ DID YOU , LOVELY ? $ < ( THEY ACT AS PARENTS DO RECEIVING HOME A CHILD OF TWO FRO M THE INFANTS' SCHOOL . ) > $ #18 $ 01 SAW THE CHRISTMAS TREES , MUM . $ 02 DID YOU SEE THE CHRISTMAS TREES ? $ WHAT A CLEVER GIRL ! $ 01 AND JESUS . $ 02 JESUS ? $ 01 BATHED IN LIGHT , IN THE SKY . $ 02 < ( ASIDE , TO BRI ) > $ SHE GOT A SCREW LOOSE , DAD ? $ 01 NO MUM . $ 02 SEEING JESUS ? $ 01 ON TOP THE ELECTRICITY BUILDING . $ 02 < ( RELIEVED ) > $ OH , YES ! $ THOUGHT SHE WAS OFF HER CHUMP FOR A MINUTE , DAD . $ 01 SEEING JESUS IN A DUMP LIKE THIS ? $ NO WONDER , MUM . $ BUT NO , SHE 'S DOING WELL , THEY SAY . $ 02 DADDY 'S PLEASED YOU 'RE TRYING , LOVE . $ WHAT WITH YOUR ELEVEN-PLUS ON THE WAY . $ < ( BRI GIVES A SHORT BURST OF LAUGHTER THEN RESUMES . ) > $ 01 YOU WANT TO GET TO A DECENT SCHOOL . $ 02 I DON'T WANT TO BE SHUNTED INTO SOME SECONDARY MODERN SLU M , SHE SAYS - $ < ( KISSES HER AGAIN . ) > $ 01 LIKE THE ONE WHERE DADDY WORKS - $ 02 SHARE A ROOM WITH FORTY OR FIFTY COUNCIL-HOUSE TYPES AND BLACKIES . $ 01 NO , I 'VE ENOUGH OF THEM , SHE SAYS , AT THE SPASTICS' N URSERY . $ YOU WANT TO GO ON TO THE TRAINING CENTRE , HELP TO MAKE THOS E BALL-POINT PENS . $ < ( RUMMAGES IN GRIP . ) > $ 03 AAAAH ! $ 02 I 'M TRYING MY HARDEST , SHE SAYS . $ 01 YOU KEEP IT UP , MY GIRL . $ HERE 'S A NOTE FROM MRS. - $ 02 FROM THE NURSERY ? $ 01 A SCHOOL REPORT , MUM . $ < ( READS . ) > $ " THANK YOU FOR THE PRESENT FOR COLIN'S BIRTHDAY . " $ WHICH IS COLIN ? $ 02 LITTLE BOY WHO HAD MENINGITIS . $ 01 NEVER STOPS WHIMPERING ? $ 02 THAT 'S HIM . $ 01 DID YOU SEND HIM MANY HAPPY RETURNS ? $ #19 $ 02 I SENT A CARD . $ AND A CUDDLY BUNNY . $ 01 IT 'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS . $ < ( READS . ) > $ " QUITE A FEW OF THE PARENTS REMEMBERED AND THE KITCHEN LADI ES MADE A LOVELY CAKE WITH SEVEN CANDLES AND WE HELD UP COLI N SO HE COULD SEE THEM BURNING , THEN WE ALL HELPED HIM BLOW THEM OUT . " $ < ( WITHOUT LOOKING AT EACH OTHER , THEY MAKE THE " AAAH " S OUND OF A CINEMA AUDIENCE BEING SHOWN A NEW-BORN LAMB . ) > $ " THE PHYSIOTHERAPIST LADY CAME AND LOOKED AT US ALL TODAY A ND SAID JOSEPHINE'S SHOULDERS SHOW SIGNS OF IMPROVEMENT . $ SHE SAYS KEEP ON WITH THE EXERCISES . " $ 02 DO YOUR HOMEWORK LIKE A GOOD GIRL . $ DADDY HELP . $ 01 < ( TO JOE ) > $ SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP . $ SHE 'S GOING OUT FOR A BIT ON THE SIDE . $ 02 LET ME CALL YOUR MOTHER . $ PLEASE . $ 01 < ( IGNORING HER , READING ON ) > $ HULLO , HULLO , WHAT 'S THIS I SEE ? $ WHAT 'S THIS ? $ " SHE 'S HAD A FEW FITS TODAY BUT I THINK IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE EXCITEMENT OVER COLIN'S CAKE . " $ < ( MOVES ABOUT , ACTING CROSS FATHER . $ SHEILA STOPS THE COMEDY AND BEGINS TO BE SERIOUSLY CONCERNED . ) > $ 02 OH , DEAR , NOW WHY 'S THAT , I WONDER ? $ 01 JUST YOU LISTEN TO ME , MY GIRL - $ 02 I THOUGHT WE 'D GOT THEM UNDER CONTROL . $ 01 HOW ARE YOU TO RAISE YOURSLEF ABOVE THE GENERAL LEVEL IF YOU KEEP HAVING FITS ? $ 02 THIS IS THE FIRST FOR WEEKS - EXCEPT AN OCCASIONAL PETIT MAL . $ 01 THOSE COUNCIL-HOUSE TYPES DOWN THERE , WHAT D' YOU THINK THEY SAY ? $ < ( GOES INTO A HEAVY VILLAGE RUSTIC ACT . ) > $ " SHE PUTS IT ON , A VOICE YOU COULD CUT WITH A KNIFE - LADY BLEEDIN' MUCK AND NO MISTAKE ! $ BUT LOOK AT HER , SHE 'S NO BETTER THAN THE LIKES OF US , JU ST ANOTHER RAVER . " $ 02 POOR KID , POOR BLOSSOM . $ < ( CARESSES JOE . ) > $ 01 SPARE THE ROD SPOIL THE CHILD , MUM . $ 02 I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY 'VE STARTED . $ 01 WELFARE STATE . $ LIFE 'S ALL TOO EASY THESE DAYS - FREE MILK , SHOW-JUMPING . $ PHYSIOTHERAPY . $ SINGING AND CANDLES . $ WHAT SINGING AND CANDLES DID WE HAVE AT HER AGE ? $ AIR-RAIDS AND CLOTHING COUPONS AND IF WE DIDN'T LIKE THAT , MY MOTHER USED TO SAY , " THAT BE ALL YOU 'RE GETTING , MY S ONNER . " $ #20 $ 02 HULLO . $ < ( JOE'S HEAD HAS TURNED SUDDENLY FROM RIGHT TO LEFT . $ HER BODY TENSES . $ THEY WATCH SILENTLY . $ JOE REMAINS STARING TOWARDS HER LEFT . $ THE RIGHT ARM NOW STRETCHES OUT AS THOUGH COMMANDING ATTENTI ON , THE MOUTH BEGINS TO OPEN AND SHUT SPASMODICALLY , THE E YES CLOSE , THE HEAD SLOWLY AND TENSELY RETURNS FROM LEFT TO RIGHT . $ THE LEGS ARE PULLED UP IN THE SEIZURE . $ THE OPENING AND SHUTTING OF THE MOUTH CAUSES A DISTINCT AND EXPLOSIVE SUCKING SOUND . ) > $ < ( SHEILA TAKES THE NOTE FROM BRI'S HAND AND READS IT . ) > $ THAT 'S GREAT , THAT IS . $ EXPLAINS IT . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 THEY 'VE RUN OUT OF ANTI-CONVULSANT SUSPENSION AGAIN . $ 01 AGAIN ? $ 02 < ( READING ) > $ " ... EXCITEMENT OVER COLIN'S CAKE . $ OR PERHAPS BECAUSE WE 'VE USED UP ALL HER YELLOW MEDICINE . " $ 01 CALL THEMSELVES A DAY NURSERY . $ 02 HOW MANY TIMES IS THIS ? $ 01 WHY DON'T THEY KEEP A FEW SPARE BOTTLES IN THE 'FRIDGE ? $ NEARLY ALL THE KIDS NEED IT . $ 02 THE AMOUNT THEY USE , THEY SHOULD HAVE IT ON DRAUGHT . $ < ( SHE GOES TO KITCHEN . $ JOE'S FIT HAS NOW FINISHED . $ SHE RESTS ON THE SHELF . $ BRI IS EXCITED BY SHEILA'S SUGGESTION . ) > $ 01 YES ! $ DRAWN TO THE NURSERIES AND DAY-CENTRES IN BARRELS BY A DIRTY GREAT FLEET OF DRAY-HORSES . $ < ( ACTS COMMENTATOR WITH AWE-STRUCK VOICE . $ HOLDS HAND -MIKE . ) > $ AND HERE - IN THE CITY PHARMACY - YOU CAN STAND - AS I 'M ST ANDING NOW - IN THE NERVE-CENTRE OF THIS GREAT OPERATION OF 02 HERE ES . $ < ( SHEILA COMES BACK WITH TWO BOTTLES AND A SPOON . $ THEY KNEEL , ONE EACH SIDE OF JOE . ) > $ 02 GIVE HER THE PHENOS . $ 01 OR SOMETHING LESS TRAD ? $ < ( SHE HANDS HIM A BOTTLE , WHICH HE OPENS AND FROM WHICH H E POURS TWO PILLS . $ SHE SHAKES THE OTHER BOTTLE . ) > $ BIT MORE IN KEEPING WITH OUR FORWARD-LOOKING TECHNOLOGICAL S OCIETY ? $ A CENTRAL PUMPING STATION AND A VAST COMPLEX OF UNDERGROUND CULVERTS AND SLUICE-GATES . $ #21 $ 02 < ( TO JOE ) > $ SOON BE BETTER , MY FLOWER . $ < ( BRI FORCES JOE'S JAWS APART AND PUTS THE PILLS INTO HER MOUTH . ) > $ 01 NO , BUT THEY 'LL NEVER STAND FOR IT . $ 02 WHO ? $ 01 BRISTOL'S RATEPAYERS . $ COST A FORTUNE . $ 02 HERE , MY BLOSSOM , LOVELY ORANGE . $ < ( SHE SPOONS IT IN , WITH BRI'S HELP . ) > $ 01 TOO FOND OF THE CEREMONIAL , THE BULLSHIT . $ 02 THERE 'S A CLEVER GIRL . $ < ( BRI HOLDS HER JAW SHUT . ) > $ 01 NEW LIFE TO DYING CRAFTS . $ HORSE-BRASSES IN THE SUN , TANG OF COOPER'S APRON - $ < ( MAKES SOUND EFFECTS OF HORSE-HOOVES , WHINNYING . ) > $ DAGENHAM GIRL PIPERS . $ < ( SHEILA STOPPERS THE BOTTLES . $ KISSES JOE . ) > $ 02 AND FOR A SPECIAL TREAT , MUMMY GOT HER FAVOURITE ICE-CRE AM FOR TEA . $ < ( BRI RELEASES HER JAWS . ) > $ 01 COME DOWN NOW . $ 02 TELL MUMMY - ARE YOU WET ? $ < ( BRI LOOKS IN THE GRIP AGAIN . $ SHE PUTS HER HAND UNDER JOE'S BLANKET . ) > $ 02 SOAKING . $ 01 THIS NAPPY 'S DRY . $ 02 < ( INDIGNANT ) > $ HONESTLY ! $ THEY 'VE STARTED DOING THAT AGAIN THIS WEEK . $ LEAVING THE ONE I SEND IN THE BAG AND LETTING HER SIT LIKE J OE EGG IN THE DAMP ALL DAY . $ HER PARTS GET SPREATHED . $ 01 PERHAPS SHE WAS DRY BEFORE THE FIT . $ 02 SHE COULD HARDLY HAVE GONE ALL DAY WITHOUT A WEE . $ 01 NO . $ 02 < ( LOOKS AT WATCH ) > $ WILL YOU CHANGE HER ? $ I MUST GO AND GET READY . $ < ( BRI THROWS NAPPY ON JOE'S CHAIR-SHELF , TAKES BOTTLES FR OM SHEILA . ) > $ IF SHE 'S SPREATHED , THERE 'S OINTMENT IN THE CUPBOARD . $ < ( HE NODS , WITH A CHEESY SMILE . ) > $ AND IF I WERE YOU , I SHOULD PUT HER ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR TO CHANGE HER . $ #22 $ 01 I 'M NOT THE NEW NANNIE . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 02 NO . $ 'COURSE NOT BUT - $ 01 I 'VE DONE IT BEFORE . $ ONCE OR TWICE . $ IN THE LAST TEN YEARS . $ < ( HE WHEELS JOE TOWARDS KITCHEN . ) > $ 02 BRIAN . $ < ( HE TURNS . ) > $ SHALL I CALL YOUR MOTHER ? $ 01 WHAT FOR ? $ 02 SO WE CAN GO OUT . $ 01 TUESDAY NIGHT THERE 'S NOWHERE MUCH TO GO . $ THE ZOO 'S SHUT . $ THERE 'S A WESTERN AT THE GAUMONT . $ 02 COME AND SEE THE REHEARSAL . $ GET DRUNK IF YOU LIKE . $ BUT NOT TOO DRUNK TO BRING ME HOME AND HAVE ME . $ 01 < ( POINTING TO JOE ) > $ PAS DEVANT - $ 02 WHAT ? $ 01 PAS DEVANT L'ENFANT . $ 02 AITCH-AY-VEE-EE ME . $ < ( SHE COMES FORWARD . $ HE LEAVES CHAIR AND MEETS HER . $ SHE EMBRACES HIM . ) > $ SERIOUSLY . $ SHALL I ? $ < ( HE KISSES HER , BURIES HIS FACE IN HER HAIR , THEN EMERG ES . ) > $ 01 HEY , LISTEN ! $ WHAT 'S IT LIKE WITH FREDDIE ? $ < ( SHE STIFFENS , THEN STRUGGLES TO BREAK AWAY BUT HE HOLDS HER . ) > $ NO , COME ON , YOU 'VE TOLD ME ABOUT THE OTHERS . $ NOT ALL , OF COURSE - $ 02 LET GO - $ 01 BUT A SAMPLING - A CROSS-SECTION - $ 02 I SHALL BITE . $ 01 THE ONES THAT BECAUSE OF SOME EXCEPTIONAL FEATURE STAND O UT FROM THE CROWD . $ 02 THEY WERE ALL BEFORE I MET YOU . $ 01 BUT FREDDIE 'S NOW . $ 02 LET GO . $ 01 WHAT 'S HIS SPECIALITY ? $ 02 EVEN IF HE WANTED TO - WHICH HE DOESN'T - $ 01 YOU MUST THINK I 'M SOFT - $ 02 - FREDDIE WOULD RUN A MILE FROM A BREATH OF SCANDAL , YOU KNOW THAT ! $ #23 $ 01 NO , BUT I MEAN - WHAT 'S HIS GIMMICK ? $ 02 COME AND ASK HIM - $ 01 FOR INSTANCE - $ 02 WHY DON'T YOU ? $ 01 - ALL YOUR FOUR AMERICANS , YOU SAID , MADE YOU - $ 02 WHAT ? $ WHERE D' YOU GET THAT ? $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 FOUR AMERICANS . $ 01 WRONG ? $ 02 TWO AMERICANS . $ 01 OH . $ 02 ONE CANADIAN . $ 01 AH . $ < ( RELEASES HER . ) > $ WELL . $ THEY MADE YOU LIE ACROSS A PILLOW . $ I THINK THEY GOT IT OUT OF HEMINGWAY . $ THEN THE WELSHMAN - THE STOKER - $ 02 HE WASN'T A STOKER . $ HE WAS A POLICEMAN . $ 01 OH , YES . $ HE WAS SHOCKED BECAUSE YOU USED BAD WORDS IN A POSH ACCENT . $ BUT WHEN IT CAME TO GETTING OFF YOUR FROCK , HE WAS SO RAVEN OUS HE TORE IT . $ 02 I WISH I 'D NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING . $ YOU SAID WE SHOULD BE HONEST . $ YOU TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOURS FIRST . $ 01 < ( NODS ) > $ ALL THREE . $ THAT TOOK AN HOUR . $ THEN FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS YOU MADE A SHORT-LIST . $ 02 YOU MADE ME . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 03 A-AAAH ! $ 01 YOU MUST HAVE ENJOYED THOSE FELLOWS AT THE TIME . $ 02 NO ! $ 01 ONE OR TWO . $ 02 I 'VE TOLD YOU . $ 01 WHY GO ON WITH IT THEN ? $ 02 ONCE YOU GET TO A CERTAIN STAGE WITH A MAN , IT 'S HARD T O SAY NO . $ 01 MOST WOMEN MANAGE IT . $ WITH ME , AT ANY RATE . $ THREE OUT OF GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TENS OF THOUSANDS I TRIED .. $ 02 THEY DIDN'T KNOW A GOOD THING WHEN THEY SAW IT . $ YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO GAVE ME ANY PLEASURE . $ #24 $ 01 WHEN YOU FIRST TOLD ME THAT I WAS KNOCKED OUT . $ I WALKED ROUND FOR DAYS FEELING LIKE A PHALLIC SYMBOL . $ I THOUGHT WELL , PERHAPS I DIDN'T RING THE BELL VERY OFTEN B UT AT LEAST I RANG IT LOUD . $ < ( SHE SMILES . ) > $ SHE 'LL STICK WITH ME , I WENT ON HAPPILY , BECAUSE I 'VE GO T MAGIC SUPER-ZOOM WITH ADDED COLD-START . $ 02 YOU HAVE , YES . $ 01 TILL FREDDIE - $ 02 O YE GODS - $ 01 OF ALL PEOPLE ! $ 02 HE 'S NEVER BEEN NEAR ME . $ 01 I THINK WE SHOULD STILL BE HONEST . $ EVEN ABOUT HIM . $ 02 HE LEAVES ME COLD . $ 01 AND YET YOU 'D RATHER SPEND THE EVENING WITH HIM THAN ME . $ 02 YOU PUSHED ME INTO THIS DRAMA LARK . $ YOU SAID I SHOULD GET OUT - $ 01 WHAT 'S HIS SPECIALITY ? $ HIS FORTE . $ DOES HE KEEP HIS MAC ON ? $ < ( SHEILA FACES HIM FOR SEVERAL SECONDS . $ THEN GOES OFF AND UPSTAIRS . $ BRI SHRUGS , TURNS BACK TO THE ROOM . $ SIGHS . $ JOE SNEEZES . ) > $ BLESS YOU . $ < ( SHE SNEEZES AGAIN , FALLS FORWARD ON TO THE TRAY AND BUM PS HER FACE . ) > $ OOPS . $ < ( SHE BEGINS CRYING , FEEBLY . $ HE GOES TO HER . ) > $ DID SHE HURT ? $ DID SHE BUMP HER NOSE ? $ < ( PROPS HER UP AGAIN . ) > $ BETTER ? $ < ( LOOKS AT HER CLOSELY . ) > $ YOU LOOK PALE , JOE . $ IS IT THOSE NASTY FITS ? $ NEVER MIND . $ < ( FONDLES HER HAND . ) > $ LOVELY SOFT HANDS YOU 'VE GOT . $ LIKE SILK . $ LADY'S HANDS . $ THEY 'VE NEVER DONE ROUGH WORK . $ < ( CROUCHING BY HER CHAIR . ) > $ NOW . $ MUM 'S GONE TO TAKE HER PART . $ PRACTISE HER ACTING . $ SO WE 'LL HAVE A BIT OF A CHINWAG ROUND THE OIL HEATER . $ CHEW THE FAT , WATCH THE JUMPING . $ < ( HER CRYING HAS STOPPED . ) > $ I EXPECT THERE 'S JUMPING , THERE USUALLY IS . $ < ( GETS " RADIO TIMES " ) > $ NO . $ NO JUMPING . $ < ( JOE SIGHS HEAVILY AND WEARILY , AN AFTERMATH OF THE CRY . ) > $ #25 $ THERE 'S A FILM ABOUT AN EMINENT SURGEON AND HIS FIGHT AGAIN ST INJUSTICE IN LONDON'S EAST END . $ < ( HE SHOWS HER . ) > $ I KNOW YOU CAN'T RESIST A DOCTOR . $ < ( ASIDE , TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ WHEN YOU THINK WHAT THEY DID TO HER ! $ < ( BACK TO JOE . ) > $ BUT BEFORE THAT , DADDY GET HER A LOVELY TEA . $ JOE AND DADDY HAVE A LOVELY TEA THEN JOE HAVE A NICE HOT BAT H ? $ PLAY WITH HER DUCKS ? $ < ( RETURNING PAPER TO ITS PLACE , HE LOOKS UPWARDS . ) > $ HEAR THAT NOISE ? $ THAT 'S MUMMY IN THE BEDROOM . $ PROBABLY TAKEN HER DRESS OFF NOW . $ MIGHT BE PUTTING HER STOCKINGS ON . $ EVEN CHANGING ENTIRELY . $ EVERY STITCH . $ NAKED , LOOKING AT HERSELF IN THE GLASS , THINKING HAVE I KE PT MY FIGURE ? $ < ( PAUSE . $ DWELLS ON IMAGE . ) > $ BUT I 'M NOT RUNNING UP THOSE STAIRS THREE AT A TIME AND FAL LING INTO THE BEDROOM AND CRINGING ON THE CARPET BEGGING HER NOT TO GO . $ NO FEAR ! $ I 'VE DONE ALL I CAN WITHOUT TOTAL LOSS OF DIGNITY . $ I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN ONCE I GOT HER STARTED ON AMATEUR THEATRI CALS SHE 'D TURN UP AT EVERY BLOODY PRACTICE . $ TERRIBLE SENSE OF DUTY , YOUR MUM . $ < ( LOOKS AT JOE LOLLING IN THE CHAIR . ) > $ WHAT AM I DOING TALKING TO YOU ? $ < ( COMES FRONT , TALKS TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ MIGHT AS WELL BE TALKING TO THE WALL . $ < ( THEN , LIKE A FRONT-CLOTH COMIC - ) > $ NO , BUT SHE IS A WONDERFUL WOMAN , MY WIFE . $ THAT GIRL UPSTAIRS . $ IN THE BEDROOM , OFF IN THE WINGS , WHEREVER SHE IS . $ NO , SERIOUSLY . $ < ( DROPS IT , GOES ON AS HIMSELF . ) > $ A TRULY INTEGRATED PERSON . $ VERY RARE , THAT IS , AS YOU KNOW . $ GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE : SHE 'S DISTURBED BY ANYTHING , SHE 'S NOT JUST MENTALLY UPSET ABOUT IT , NOT ONLY MISERABLE , NO , SHE ACTUALLY GROWS ILL . $ BOILS , BACKACHE , VOMITING . $ NOT PRETENCE . $ REAL SICKNESS . $ SHE WORKS AS A WHOLE , NOT IN PARTS . $ UNLIKE ME , FOR INSTANCE , I 'M INSTANT MAN . $ GET ONE FOR CHRISTMAS , ENDLESS FUN . $ I 'M MADE UP AS I GO ALONG FROM OLD LENGTHS OF STRING , FAG- ENDS ... MAGAZINE CUTTINGS , FILM-CLIPS ... ALL STUCK TOGETH ER WITH WODGES OF LAST WEEK'S SCHOOL DINNER . $ WHAT I MEAN , SHE COULDN'T PRETEND A PASSION SHE DOESN'T FEE L . $ WHEREAS I CAN'T SUSTAIN A PASSION TO THE END OF THE SENTENCE . $ I START TO CRY - AAAOOOOW ! $ THEN I THINK : ARE YOU MAD ? $ WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE , GOD ? $ AND THINGS GO CLANG AND WHEELS FALL OFF AND PEOPLE GET HURT - TERRIBLE . $ YOU MUST HAVE FELT LIKE THIS - CATCHING YOURSELF IN THE MIRR OR HAMMING AWAY . $ #26 $ OR SOMEBODY SAYS , " MY WIFE 'S JUST BEEN RUN OVER , " AND Y OU WANT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING . $ WELL , YOU MAY SAY , WHY NOT - IF THAT 'S THE WAY YOU FEEL ? $ BUT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT . $ SO I PRETEND . $ YOU SAW ME PRETEND WITH SHEILA . $ I TRY TO GUESS WHICH EMOTIONS APPEAL TO HER AND THEN I SINK MY TEETH IN . $ I DON'T LET GO UNTIL THEY 'RE BONE-DRY . $ LIKE WITH JOE THERE - $ < ( WAVES TO HER . ) > $ ALL RIGHT , ARE YOU ? $ GOOD . $ I FELT ALL DOOMY AT FIRST BUT - WELL - TEN YEARS ! $ I JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS NOW . $ SHEILA - HOW SHALL I PUT IT IN A WAY THAT WILL PREVENT A SUD DEN STAMPEDE TO THE EXIT-DOORS ? $ SHEILA - EMBRACES ALL LIVING THINGS . $ SHE REALLY DOES . $ SHE 'S SIMPLE , SO SIMPLE SHE 'S BOUND TO WIN IN THE END . $ SHE 'S A SANE ENOUGH PERSON TO BE ABLE TO EMBRACE ALL LIVING CREATURES . $ SHE SITS THERE EMBRACING ALL LIVE THINGS . $ I GET MY HUG SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE BUDGERIGAR AND THE STICK- INSECT . $ WHICH IS THE REASON FOR ALL THIS SMUTTY TALK . $ CALLING ATTENTION TO MYSELF TO MAKE SURE I GET MORE THAN MY SHARE . $ OTHERWISE I 'D HAVE TO SETTLE FOR EYES-FRONT-HANDS-ON-HEADS AND A THERAPEUTIC BASH ONCE IN A BLUE MOON . $ AND I 'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE , I TELL YOU ! $ 03 AAAH ! $ 01 WHAT 'S THE MATTER , CRACKPOT ? $ 03 AAAH ! $ 01 LANGUAGE ? $ YOU THINK THIS IS LANGUAGE ! $ I 'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO SCANLON . $ HE 'LL LET YOU HEAR SOME LANGUAGE . $ < ( ASIDE . ) > $ WHAT A MADAM ! $ WELL . $ LET 'S SEE WHAT SHE 'S LEFT FOR TEA . $ 03 AAAAH ! $ < ( MAKES REVVING NOISES AND PUSHES HER CHAIR OFF TO THE KIT CHEN . $ GOING OUT , HE STRUGGLES WITH THE CATS . ) > $ GET BACK , YOU FLEA-BITTEN WHORES ! $ GET BACK ! $ < ( SHUTS DOOR BEHIND HIM . ) > $ < ( PAUSE . $ AT LEAST FIVE SECONDS . ) > $ < ( SHEILA COMES ON FROM A CORNER DOWNSTAGE OF THE SET . $ SHE HAS CHANGED INTO A DRESS AND IS BRUSHING HER HAIR . ) > $ 02 ONE OF THESE DAYS I 'LL HIT HIM . $ HONESTLY . $ < ( BRUSHES HAIR , LOOKS AT AUDIENCE . ) > $ HE THINKS BECAUSE HE THROWS A TANTRUM I 'M GOING TO STAY HOM E COMFORTING HIM AND MISS THE REHEARSAL AND LET THEM ALL DOW N . $ HE THINKS HE 'S ONLY GOT TO CRY TO GET WHAT HE WANTS . $ #27 $ I BLAME HIS MOTHER . $ SHE GAVE HIM THE KIND OF SUFFOCATING LOVE THAT MAKES HIM THI NK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HIM BUT BECAUSE HE 'S TOO INTEL LIGENT TO BELIEVE IT REALLY , HE GETS INTO THESE PADDIES AND DEPRESSIONS . $ AND WHEN HE 'S IN ONE OF THOSE , HE 'LL DO ANYTHING TO DRAW ATTENTION TO HIMSELF . $ THAT BEETLE ON HIS FACE - YOU SAW THAT . $ AND ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT FREDDIE . $ AND YET IT WAS BRIAN MADE ME JOIN THESE AMATEURS IN THE FIRS T PLACE , HE SAID I NEEDED TO GET OUT MORE , HAVE A REST FRO M JOE . $ BUT SHE 'S NO TROUBLE . $ IT 'S BRIAN . $ I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS THE GREATEST BABY . $ WATCHING SOMEBODY AS LIMITED AS JOE OVER TEN YEARS , I 'VE B EGUN TO FEEL SHE 'S ONLY ONE KIND OF CRIPPLE . $ EVERYBODY 'S DAMAGED IN SOME WAY . $ THERE 'S A LIMIT TO WHAT WE CAN DO . $ BRIAN , FOR INSTANCE , HE GOES SO FAR - AND HITS THE CEILING . $ JUST CAN'T FLY ANY HIGHER . $ THEN HE DROPS TO THE FLOOR AND WE GET SELF-PITY AGAIN ... DE SPAIR . $ I 'M SURE , THOUGH , IF HE COULD GO FARTHER - HE COULD BE A MARVELLOUS PAINTER . $ THAT 'S ANOTHER REASON I SAID I 'D JOIN THE AMATEURS : THE T HOUGHT THAT HE 'D BE FORCED TO GO UPSTAIRS SEVERAL NIGHTS A WEEK AND ACTUALLY PUT PAINT ON CANVAS . $ AND EVEN IF HE ISN'T ANY GOOD , HE SEEMS TO NEED SOME WORK H E CAN BE PROUD OF . $ SOMETHING TO TAKE HIS MIND OFF HIS JEALOUSY OF ANYONE OR ANY THING I TAKE TO ... RELATIVES , FRIENDS , PETS ... EVEN POT- PLANTS . $ I 'M SURE IT 'S BECAUSE THEY TAKE UP TIME HE THINKS I COULD BE DEVOTING TO HIM . $ AND JOE , MOST OF ALL , POOR LOVE ... $ < ( SHE PUTS BRUSH ON TABLE OR CHAIR . $ A THOUGHT BRINGS HER BACK . ) > $ LOOK , YOU MUSTN'T ASSUME I FEEL LIKE THIS IN THE ORDINARY W AY . $ AND EVEN WHEN I AM A BIT DOWN , I SHOULDN'T NORMALLY TALK AB OUT IT TO A LOT OF COMPLETE STRANGERS . $ BUT ALL THIS CHILDISH TEMPER OVER FREDDIE - THIS SHOWING-OFF - IT 'S MORE THAN I CAN STAND , IT MAKES ME BOIL , HONESTLY ! $ WOULDN'T YOU FEEL THE SAME ? $ < ( CHECKS HER APPEARANCE IN IMAGINARY FULL-LENGTH GLASS . ) > $ THAT 'S WHY I 'M TELLING YOU ALL THIS . $ A LOT OF TOTAL STRANGERS . $ BUT WOULDN'T IT MAKE YOU BOIL ? $ HONESTLY ! $ A GROWN MAN JEALOUS OF POOR JOE - $ < ( BREAKS OFF AS SHE SEES BRI COMING FROM DOWNSTAGE CORNER . ) > $ < ( THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SILENCE . ) > $ 01 WHAT ARE YOU TELLING THEM ? $ 02 WHAT ? $ #28 $ 01 I HEARD YOU TALKING . $ < ( SHEILA PICKS THREADS FROM HER CLOTHES . ) > $ I HEARD YOU MENTION JOE . $ < ( NO ANSWER . $ BRI SPEAKS TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ SHEILA 'S GOT A THEORY ABOUT JOE'S BIRTH . $ SHE DOESN'T BLAME THE DOCTORS . $ SHE BLAMES HERSELF . $ 02 I DON'T SAY THAT . $ I SAY IT WASN'T ENTIRELY THE DOCTORS . $ 01 < ( NODDING ) > $ IT WAS BECAUSE SHE CHOKED IT BACK . $ 02 IT WAS PARTLY THAT . $ 01 BECAUSE SHE 'D SLEPT AROUND . $ 02 I THINK IT WAS PARTLY BECAUSE I 'D BEEN PROMISCUOUS , YES , AND MY SUBCONSCIOUS WAS MAKING ME SHRINK OR WITHDRAW FROM MOTHERHOOD , ALL RIGHT ! $ < ( PAUSE . $ HE LOOKS AWAY . $ SHE GOES ON TITIVATING . ) > $ 01 THAT VICAR TOLD US IT WAS THE DEVIL'S DOING . $ WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE THAT ? $ IT 'S ABOUT AS BRILLIANT . $ 02 < ( SHRUGS ) > $ IT COMES DOWN IN THE END TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE . $ 01 I 'LL TELL YOU WHAT I BELIEVE . $ 02 I KNOW WHAT YOU BELIEVE . $ 01 < ( POINTS AT AUDIENCE ) > $ THEY DON'T . $ < ( TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ I BELIEVE THE DOCTOR BOTCHED IT . $ THERE WAS NO OTHER CAUSE . $ < ( TO SHEILA . ) > $ THAT SPECIALIST SAID AS MUCH , HE SAID IT HAD NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THE WAY YOU 'D LIVED OR WHETHER THERE WAS A NUT I N THE FAMILY ... OR WHAT KIND OF FAGS YOU SMOKED ... $ 02 HE DIDN'T SAY THE DOCTOR DID IT EITHER . $ < ( PAUSE . $ HE LOOKS AT HER . ) > $ 01 NO . $ YOU 'VE GOT A GOOD POINT THERE . $ HE DIDN'T MENTION THAT , QUITE TRUE . $ HE DIDN'T SAY , " YES , HE 'S A SHODDY MIDWIFE , MY COLLEAGU E , ALWAYS WAS , I 'LL SEE HE GETS STRUCK OFF THE REGISTER . " $ VERY TRUE . $ WEAKENS MY ARGUMENT , THAT . $ 02 OH , YOU 'RE SO CLEVER ! $ 01 HE 'D ONLY SAY FOR CERTAIN THAT IT WAS A CHANCE IN A MILL ION IT COULD HAPPEN AGAIN . $ 02 MMM . $ WE HAVEN'T HAD AN OPPORTUNITY YET TO CHECK ON THAT . $ < ( BOTH PAUSE . ) > $ 01 IT 'S DUE TO THIS THAT JOE LIVES AT HOME WITH US . $ 02 SHE 'S OUR DAUGHTER . $ #29 $ 01 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ SHE WAS ON THE WAY BEFORE WE MARRIED . $ THAT FEEDS THE FURNACE OF GUILT . $ 02 NO NEED TO TELL THEM EVERYTHING . $ 01 IT WAS A WHITE WEDDING . $ 02 FOR MY DAD'S SAKE . $ HE WAS A BELL-RINGER AND ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO THE DAY HE 'D LEAD THE PEAL AS I LEFT THE CHURCH . $ YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T MIND . $ 01 I DIDN'T . $ AT THE RECEPTION AFTERWARDS THE RINGERS WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE WORTH TALKING TO . $ ALL TWISTED AND CRIPPLED . $ PICTURE THEM BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AT THE END OF THEIR ROPES . $ < ( AND HE TRIES A GUESS AT IT . ) > $ 02 WE MIGHT HAVE TAKEN THEM FOR AN OMEN . $ THE BABY CAME SIX MONTHS LATER . $ I 'D DONE MY EXERCISES AND READ THE ANTE-NATAL BOOKS - MOSTL Y THE ONES THAT MADE IT SEEM AS SIMPLE AS HAVING A TOOTH FIL LED . $ 01 BUT MORE SPIRITUAL . $ 02 OH , YES , A LOT ABOUT YOU SITTING BY THE BED HOLDING MY HAND AND LOOKING SINCERE . $ < ( BRI DOES IT . ) > $ 01 GIVING THE LEAD WITH SHALLOW BREATHING . $ < ( DOES IT . ) > $ 02 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ I DON'T KNOW WHETHER ANY OF YOU ARE LIKE ME , BUT I HALF-EXP ECTED TO HEAR SNATCHES OF THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS . $ 01 I WAS SYMPATHETIC BUT QUEASY . $ THE IDEA OF SHARING THE BIRTH SEEMED IRREFUTABLE QUA IDEA .. . BUT NOT SO GAY WHEN IT CAME TO THE BLOOD AND FLUID . $ 02 AS IT HAPPENED , YOU NEEDN'T HAVE WORRIED . $ 01 NO . $ < ( TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ HOW LONG DO YOUR LABOURS LAST ? $ TWO , THREE HOURS ? $ A DAY ? $ DILETTANTES ! $ < ( POINTS AT SHEILA . ) > $ FIVE DAYS ! $ 02 YES . $ FROM THE FIRST SHOW ON THE SHEETS TO THE LAST HEAVE OF THE F ORCEPS . $ FIVE DAYS . $ 01 YOU 'LL ALL BE SAYING , " HE SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING , " BUT I DIDN'T KNOW AT THE TIME . $ YOU DON'T , DO YOU ? $ 02 YOU 'D KNOW NOW . $ 01 OH , YEAH . $ IT WAS ALL GOOD EXPERIENCE . $ 02 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ THIS DOCTOR KEPT ON DRUGGING ME . $ 01 YOU WERE STONED . $ #30 $ 02 I COULDN'T REMEMBER THE EXERCISES . $ 01 COULDN'T EVEN TELL ME . $ JUST KEPT CRYING . $ 02 < ( EXPLAINING ) > $ I COULDN'T MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND ! $ I COULDN'T SALIVATE OR SWALLOW SO I STAYED HUNGRY ... ALSO I KEPT HOPING YOU 'D BE THERE WHEN I OPENED MY EYES , BUT IT WAS ALWAYS THE MIDWIFE OR YOUR MOTHER . $ 01 NOT ALWAYS ! $ 02 NEARLY ALWAYS . $ YOU WERE GETTING DRUNK OUTSIDE . $ 01 WHAT ELSE COULD I DO ? $ 02 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ MY SPEECH FACULTIES SEEMED TO HAVE GONE SO I COULDN'T TELL T HEM TO STOP THE DOPE SO THAT I COULD MANAGE THE BIRTH . $ < ( FOR THE REST OF THIS ACT , THEY HOLD A DIALOGUE WITH EAC H OTHER AND THE AUDIENCE . $ NO FURTHER INDICATION IS GIVEN , UNLESS ESSENTIAL TO THE SEN SE . ) > $ 01 THEN THE G.P. WOULD POP IN TO SEE ME WITH HIS BOYISH GRIN ... $ " TELL THE TRUTH I 'VE GOT THE FEELING THIS YOUNG SHAVER 'S NONE TOO KEEN TO JOIN US . " $ AND I 'D SAY , " ALL THIS TROUBLE GETTING OUT AND HE 'LL SPE ND THE REST OF HIS LIFE TRYING TO GET BACK IN . " $ AND WE 'D ALL PISS OURSELVES AT THAT AND HAVE ANOTHER SCOTCH . $ 02 YOU NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS GOING ON TOO LONG ? $ 01 YES , BUT YOU LEAVE IT TO THEM , DON'T YOU ? $ MY MUM TAUGHT ME TO BELIEVE IN DOCTORS AND DURING THE LABOUR SHE SET AN EXAMPLE OF QUIET FAITH . $ 02 AND AFTERWARDS - WHEN JOE WAS ILL - SHE SAID SHE KNEW ALL THE TIME IT WAS LASTING TOO LONG . $ 01 SHE ALWAYS KNOWS AFTERWARDS . $ 02 THE PAIN WAS SHOCKING BUT THE WORST WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO SPEAK . $ 01 BY THE LAST DAY I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO DIE . $ AND - I 'VE NEVER TOLD YOU THIS , LOVE - $ 02 WHAT ? $ 01 YOU 'LL FIND IT HARD TO CREDIT THIS . $ THOUGH NOT NORMALLY A RELIGIOUS MAN ... FOR EVERYDAY PURPOSE S MAKING THE USUAL GENUFLECTIONS TO ESSO PETROLEUM AND M.G.M . - I DON'T MIND ADMITTING IT , I PRAYED - $ 02 DID YOU REALLY ? $ NOT ANOTHER JOKE ? $ 01 NO , HONESTLY , I WENT DOWN ON MY KNEES AND I PRAYED TO G OD . $ #31 $ I SAID , " GOD , I 'VE ONLY JUST FOUND HER . $ THE BABY DOESN'T MATTER . $ IF IT 'S A QUESTION OF A SWOP ... " $ 02 AAAAH ! $ < ( SHE KISSES HIM . ) > $ 01 THEN I FOUND I WAS SO DRUNK I COULD HARDLY GET TO MY FEET AGAIN . $ 02 BUT NEVER MIND , YOUR PRAYER WAS ANSWERED . $ 01 YES , HE HEARD ALL RIGHT . $ < ( TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ I SEE HIM AS A SORT OF MANIC DEPRESSIVE RUGBY-FOOTBALLER . $ HE LOOKED DOWN AND THOUGHT TO HIMSELF , " I 'LL FIX THAT BAS TARD . " $ < ( SHAKES HIS FIST AT ROOF . ) > $ AND HE DID ! $ 02 BY THE TIME THE DAMAGE WAS DONE , THEY TOOK ME TO HOSPITA L . $ THE NEXT I KNEW , THEY HANDED ME THIS HAIRLESS YELLOW BABY W ITH FORCEPS-SCARS ALL OVER HER SCALP . $ SHE WAS GORGEOUS . $ BY THE TIME I GOT HER HOME , THE SCARS AND JAUNDICE WERE GON E AND SHE WAS IN WORKING ORDER . $ YOU HAD A COLD . $ 01 THAT 'S RIGHT , YES . $ 02 I HAD TO LOOK AFTER YOU . $ IT WAS BETTER THAN HAVING YOU TURN UP EVERY DAY MOANING AND SNIFFLING . $ 01 MORE THAN A COLD . $ 'FLU . $ A DELAYED ACTION I THINK IT MUST HAVE BEEN . $ I WAS QUITE POORLY . $ < ( SHE SMILES , THEN GOES ON TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ 02 SOON I BEGAN TO NOTICE THESE FUNNY TURNS . $ WE ASKED OUR FRIENDS WHO 'D HAD BABIES BUT THEY SAID IT WAS MOST LIKELY WIND . $ SO IN THE END WE TOOK TO HER OUR NEW G.P. $ < ( BRI HAS FETCHED A TUBULAR CUSHION FROM THE SET BEHIND TH EM , WHICH IS NOW IN SEMI-DARKNESS . $ THE CUSHION IS THE SIZE AND SHAPE OF A SWADDLED BABY . $ SHEILA NURSES IT . ) > $ 01 BABY . $ < ( POINTS TO HIMSELF . ) > $ DOCTOR . $ NICE , BONE-HEADED . $ < ( IN THE SKETCHES WHICH FOLLOW , BRI PLAYS THE FUNNY MEN A ND SHEILA HERSELF . $ THEY DO IT AS THEY MIGHT REPEAT THE DIALOGUE FROM A FAVOURIT E FILM . $ SOMETIMES THEY IMPROVISE , SURPRISING OR CORPSING EACH OTHER . ) > $ < ( BRI MIMES OPENING A DOOR AT SIDE OF STAGE . $ SHEILA WANDERS OFF TO OPPOSITE SIDE AND WAITS . ) > $ BYE-BYE , MRS. - UM - YOU RUB THAT IN YOU 'LL SOON BE AS RIG HT AS RAIN . $ < ( MIMES CLOSING DOOR , RETURNS TO CENTRE , SHOUTS ) > $ NEXT , PLEASE ! $ < ( SHEILA MOVES IN . $ BRI BENDS OVER WRITING AND PUTTING AWAY LAST PATIENT'S CARD . $ #32 $ HAS HIS BACK TO SHEILA . ) > $ 'EVENING , MISTER - UM - FEELING ANY BETTER ? $ 02 IT 'S MORNING , DOCTOR . $ < ( TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ NOT VERY REASSURING . $ 01 'COURSE IT IS . $ 02 AND I 'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE . $ 01 NO ? $ 02 WE 'RE NEW TO THE DISTRICT . $ 01 WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE ? $ 02 I DON'T REALLY KNOW . $ FUNNY TURNS . $ FACE-MAKING . $ 01 SAY " AAAH " . $ 02 NOT ME . $ THE BABY . $ < ( BRI LOOKS AT THE CUSHION . ) > $ 01 NOTHING MUCH WRONG WITH THIS LITTLE LADDIE . $ 02 LASSIE . $ 01 LASSIE . $ FUNNY TURNS , YOU SAY . $ HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THEM ? $ 02 FRIGHTENING . $ 01 NO , I MEANT , WHAT FORM DO THEY TAKE ? $ 02 BLINKING WITH HER EYES , WORKING WITH HER TONGUE , SHAKIN G HER HEAD , THEN GOING ALL LIMP . $ 01 < ( TICKLING THE BABY , TALKING TO IT ) > $ FUNNY TURNS INDEED AT YOUR AGE ! $ SAUCY BEGGAR . $ WE ARE NOT AMUSED . $ 02 BUT WHAT D' YOU THINK IT IS ? $ 01 WIND . $ 02 THAT 'S WHAT OUR FRIENDS SAID . $ 01 ALWAYS WISE TO GET A SECOND OPINION . $ HAVE YOU TRIED GRIPE WATER ? $ 02 YES , OF COURSE . $ 01 MY OLD MOTHER USED TO SWEAR BY IT . $ CURE ANYTHING , SHE USED TO SAY . $ WELL , LET 'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND IN HERE . $ < ( RUMMAGES IN DRAWER , FINDS MEDICINE , READS LABEL . ) > $ AH , YES , THIS 'LL PUT A STOP TO IT . $ CAME IN THE POST THIS MORNING . $ THE MAKERS PRAISE IT VERY HIGHLY . $ 02 DOCTOR - I WISH YOU COULD SEE ONE OF THESE TURNS . $ 01 OH , I 'VE SEEN THEM , DEAR . $ GOT THREE GREAT MONSTERS OF MY OWN . $ 02 I AM SORRY . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 ALL YOUR CHILDREN BEING - UM - $ #33 $ 01 NO , I MEAN GREAT THRIVING BRUTES . $ NOT MONSTERS , NO . $ YOUR FIRST , IS IT ? $ FIRST BABY ? $ 02 YES . $ 01 WELL , DEAR , IT 'S LIKE THIS . $ YOU 'RE THROWING AN AWFUL LOT OF GUBBINS DOWN THE OLD CAKE-H OLE THERE . $ IT 'S LIKE RUNNING IN A NEW CAR . $ TILL ALL THE TAPPETS AND CONTACT BREAKERS GET ADJUSTED TO TH E ABSOLUTE THOU , YOU TAKE IT EASY , GIVE 'EM A CHANCE . $ SAME WITH THESE CHAPS . $ < ( TICKLES THE CUSHION , LOOKS AGAIN AT MEDICINE . ) > $ LET 'S SEE . $ THREE TIMES DAILY AFTER MEALS . $ HOW OFTEN YOU FEEDING ? $ 02 EVERY FOUR HOURS . $ 01 FOURS INTO TWENTY-FOUR GOES SIX . $ SO SIX TIMES A DAY - $ 02 LOOK . $ THIS MAY BE ONE NOW . $ < ( THEY WATCH THE CUSHION FOR TEN SECONDS . $ BRI LOOKS AT HIS WATCH . ) > $ 02 NO . $ 01 I 'VE GOT A WAITING-ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE , DEAR . $ YOU TRY HER WITH THIS AND COME BACK IF THERE 'S NO IMPROVEME NT IN - SAY - A WEEK . $ MAKE SURE YOU WIND HER WELL . $ AND DON'T FRET . $ < ( LEADING HER TO EXIT . ) > $ THEY 'RE HARDY LITTLE DEVILS , YOU KNOW . $ BYE-BYE , MRS. - UM - $ < ( MIMES SEEING HER OFF AND SHUTS THE DOOR . ) > $ THREE DAYS LATER . $ < ( MIMES OPENING DOOR AND CALLS . ) > $ NEXT , PLEASE . $ < ( SHEILA COMES BACK AT ONCE WITH CUSHION . ) > $ HULLO , MRS. - UM - $ 02 < ( URGENTLY ) > $ DOCTOR - $ 01 JUST A MINUTE , I 'LL GET YOUR CARD . $ 02 BUT THIS CHILD - $ 01 SIT DOWN , PLEASE . $ < ( HE SEATS HER AND LOOKS AT CARD . ) > $ DIDN'T I SAY COME BACK IN A WEEK ? $ WHY SO SOON ? $ 02 SHE 'S GONE INTO A COMA . $ 01 D' YOU TRY THE MEDICINE ? $ 02 SHE WON'T TAKE ANYTHING . $ SHE HASN'T FED FOR TWO DAYS . $ < ( BRI LOOKS AT THE CUSHION , LISTENS TO IT , CLAPS HANDS B Y IT , FINALLY SHAKES IT LIKE A PIGGY-BANK . ) > $ 01 < ( AS MUCH AS TO SAY " SO FAR , SO GOOD " ) > $ AH-HA ! $ MM-HUM . $ < ( GOES HUMMING BACK TO THE TABLE , MIMES DIALLING . ) > $ GET ME THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL ... QUICK ! $ NO PANIC , DEAR , JUST A ROUTINE INQUIRY . $ YOUR HUSBAND WITH YOU ? $ #34 $ 02 HE 'S IN THE WAITING-ROOM . $ IS SHE - ? $ 01 < ( INTO PHONE ) > $ LOOK - I 'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A SHUFTI AT A BABY - UH - $ < ( TO SHEILA . ) > $ GIRL ? $ 02 YES . $ 01 BABY GIRL ... $ OFF HER CHOW AND FAILING TO RESPOND TO ANY STIMULI WHATEVER . $ < ( TO SHEILA AGAIN . ) > $ GOT A CAR ? $ 02 NO . $ 01 HULLO ? $ ... NO CAR . $ ANY CHANCE OF AN AMBULANCE ? $ ... UNDERSTOOD . $ < ( PUTS DOWN PHONE , RETURNS TO SHEILA . ) > $ 02 THERE 'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG , ISN'T THERE ? $ 01 DON'T START WORRYING , DEAR . $ LOOK AT IT THIS WAY . $ YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET A STARTER-MOTOR JAMMED ? $ SEEMS SERIOUS AT THE TIME BUT PUT IT IN SECOND GEAR AND ROCK THE WHOLE SHOOT BACK AND FORTH , SHE 'S SOON AS RIGHT AS RA IN . $ 02 WE HAVEN'T GOT A CAR , I - $ 01 WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO - YOU KNOW THE KIDDIES' HOSPITAL ? $ < ( SHE NODS . ) > $ YOU AND YOUR OLD MAN GO ALONG THERE - NOT FORGETTING TO TAKE THE BABY - YOU CATCH A BUS FROM THE END OF THE STREET AND - NIL DESPERANDUM . $ < ( SEES HER TO DOOR , AS BEFORE , OPENS IT , PUSHES HER THR OUGH . $ IS ABOUT TO CLOSE IT WHEN HE REMEMBERS SOMETHING AND SHOUTS AFTER HER . ) > $ THIRTY-TWO . $ 02 WHAT ? $ 01 THE BUS . $ NUMBER THIRTY-TWO . $ 02 OH . $ 01 < ( CLOSING DOOR , TAKING OUT HANDKERCHIEF , WIPING BROW ) > $ STREWTH . $ 02 < ( TURNING TO AUDIENCE ) > $ ON THE BUS I SAID TO BRIAN , " I 'VE GOT A FEELING WE SHAN'T BRING HER BACK . " $ BUT , AS YOU KNOW , WE DID . $ EVENTUALLY . $ 01 EVERY CLOUD HAS A JET-BLACK LINING . $ 02 I STAYED IN HOSPITAL WITH HER FOR A FEW WEEKS , THEN LEFT HER THERE HAVING TESTS AND CAME HOME TO LOOK AFTER BRIAN , WHO'D CONTRACTED IMPETIGO . $ < ( BRI , IN THE SHADOWS , LIGHTS A CIGARETTE . ) > $ IT WAS PAINFUL NOT FEEDING SO BRIAN KNELT IN FRONT OF ME AND TRIED TO EXPRESS IT ORALLY . $ #35 $ 01 YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT - LIKE THE KHAMASUTRA . $ 02 IN THE END , A WOMAN FROM THE CLINIC DREW IT OFF WITH A S ORT OF GLASS MOTOR-HORN . $ < ( BRI GETS A COFFEE-TABLE FROM THE SET , PUTS THE CUSHION ON IT , STANDS BEHIND IT . ) > $ FEW WEEKS LATER THEY CALLED ME TO COLLECT JOE FROM HOSPITAL , BY WHICH TIME WE 'D GATHERED THAT SHE WASN'T EVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO MUCH . $ BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO KNOW THE BEST WE COULD EXPECT . $ AND THE WORST . $ THE PEDIATRICIAN WAS GERMAN - OR VIENNESE , I 'M NOT TOO SUR E . $ < ( FOR THIS SKETCH , BRI USES A MUSIC-HALL GERMAN ACCENT . ) > $ 01 VELL , MATTAM , ZIS BABY OFF YOURS HAS NOW BEEN SOROUGHLY TESTED AND VE NEED ZE BETS RAZZER BATTLY SO IT 'S BETTER YO U TAKE HER HOME . $ I SINK I CAN PROMISE SHE VON'T BE ANY TROUBLE . $ KEEP HER VELL SEDATED YOU 'LL HARTLY KNOW SHE 'S ZERE . $ 02 BUT , DOCTOR - $ < ( HE IS MAKING FOR THE DOOR , TURNS RELUCTANTLY . ) > $ 03 JA ? $ 02 CAN'T YOU TELL ME THE RESULTS ? $ 01 RESULTS ? $ 02 OF THE TESTS . $ 01 VITCH ONES ? $ ZERE VERE SO MANY - $ < ( SLIGHT LAUGH . $ LISTS ON FINGERS . ) > $ ELECTRO-ENCEPHALOGRAPH , SCREE-DIMENSIONAL EGGS-RAY , BLOOD URINE AND STOOL ANALYSES , ZIS BUSINESS VIS NEEDLES IN ZE FO NTANELLE - $ 02 IS THAT WHY HER HAIR 'S BEEN SHAVED OFF ? $ 01 VELL OF COURSE - $ 02 SHE 'D ONLY JUST BEGUN TO GROW IT . $ AND DID THE NEEDLES MAKE THAT SCAR ON HER HEAD ? $ 01 SCAR ? $ 02 < ( POINTING ) > $ THERE . $ 01 ACH , NEIN . $ ZIS VOS A LIDDLE BIOPSY TO TAKE A SAMPLE OF HER BRAIN TISSUE . $ 02 THAT 'S A RELIEF . $ < ( SHE SMILES QUICKLY . ) > $ I THOUGHT AT FIRST YOU 'D BORED A HOLE IN HER SKULL TO LET T HE DEVIL OUT . $ < ( BRI LOOKS INTERESTED , CONFERS WITH HIS ASSISTANT . ) > $ 01 SOUNDS GUT . $ DID YOU TRY IT ? $ ... $ AH ! $ < ( TO SHEILA ) > $ MY COLLEAGUE SAYS VE DON'T DO ZAT ANY MORE . $ #36 $ < ( SHRUGS . ) > $ PITY ! $ VELL - IF YOU EGGSCUSE ME . $ < ( MOVES TO GO . ) > $ 02 BUT - DOCTOR , DOCTOR - $ 01 DONNER UND BLITZEN ! $ 02 WHAT CAN SHE DO ? $ 01 DO ? $ SHE CAN'T DO NOZZING AT ALL . $ 02 WILL SHE EVER ? $ 01 MATTAM , LET ME TRY AND TELL YOU VOT YOUR DAUGHTER ISS LI KE . $ DO YOU KNOW VOT I MEAN VEN I SAY YOUR DAUGHTER VOS A WEGETAB LE ? $ < ( SHEILA THINKS FOR A MOMENT , GETS IT , SMILES . ) > $ 02 YES ! $ YOU MEAN " YOUR DAUGHTER WAS A VEGETABLE " . $ 01 ACH HIMMEL ! $ STILL IS , STILL IS , ALWAYS VILL BE ! $ I HAVE TROUBLE VIS ENGLISH WERBS . $ 02 BUT - WHEN PEOPLE SAY TO ME WHAT KIND OF CRIPPLE IS YOUR CHILD , SHALL I SAY - SHE 'S A WEGETABLE - A VEGETABLE ? $ 01 YOU VONT A VORD FOR HER ? $ < ( SHRUGS . ) > $ YOU CAN SAY SHE ISS A SPASTIC VIS A DAMAGED CEREBRAL CORTEX , MULTIPLEGIC , EPILEPTIC , BUT VIS NO ORGANIC MALFORMATION OF ZE BRAIN . $ 02 THAT IS A LONG WORD . $ 01 < ( GAILY ) > $ WHICH ISS VY I PREFER WEGETABLE . $ 02 VEGETABLE . $ 01 VEGETABLE . $ 02 BUT WHY ? $ IF HER BRAIN 'S PHYSICALLY SOUND , WHY DOESN'T IT WORK ? $ < ( BRI SIGHS , LOOKS AT HER , THINKS . ) > $ 01 IMAGINE A SWITCHBOARD . $ A TELEPHONE SWITCHBOARD , JA ? $ 02 I WORKED AS A SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR ONCE . $ 01 DAS IST WUNDERBAR ! $ VELL . $ IMAGINE YOU 'RE SITTING ZERE NOW , FACING ZE BOARD . $ SO ? $ 02 SO . $ 01 SOME LINES TIED UP , SOME VAITING TO BE USED - SUDDENLY B RR-BRR , BRR-BRR - $ 02 INCOMING CALL ? $ 01 EXACTLY ! $ YOU PLUG IN . $ < ( SHEILA MIMES IT , ASSUMING A BRIGHT TELEPHONE VOICE . ) > $ 02 UNIVERSAL SHAFTING . $ #37 $ 01 < ( COMING OUT OF CHARACTER ) > $ WHAT ? $ 02 THAT WAS THE FIRM I WORKED FOR . $ 01 YOU 'VE NEVER PUT THAT IN BEFORE . $ 02 < ( SHRUGS ) > $ I THOUGHT I WOULD THIS TIME . $ 01 UNIVERSAL SHAFTING ? $ STORY OF YOUR LIFE . $ < ( SHE STARES COLDLY . $ BRI CLEARS HIS THROAT , RESUMES AS DOCTOR . ) > $ BUT AT ZAT MOMENT ANOZZER INCOMING CALL - BRR-BRR - AND YOU PANIC AND PLUG HIM IN TO THE FIRST VON AND LEAVE ZEM TALKING TO EACH OZZER AND YOU ANSWER AN EXTENSION AND HE VONT THE R AILWAY STATION BUT YOU PUT HIM ON TO ZE CRICKET RESULTS AND ZEY ALL START BUZZING AND FLASHING - AND IT 'S TOO MUCH , YO U FLIP YOUR LID AND PULL OUT ALL THE LINES . $ KAPUTT ! $ NOW ZERE 'S YOUR EPILEPTIC FIT . $ YOUR GRAND OR PETIT MAL ACCORDING TO ZE STRESS , ZE NUMBER O F CALLS . $ ALL RIGHT ? $ < ( MAKES TO GO AGAIN . ) > $ 02 BUT , DOCTOR , DOCTOR - $ < ( LOOKS AT HIS WATCH . ) > $ 01 GOTT IN HIMMEL ! $ I 'M WERY BUSY MAN , MISSIS - UM - $ I KNOW YOU MUST BE - $ 01 YOURS ISN'T ZE ONLY PIECAN IN ZE COUNTRY . $ 02 I KNOW - $ 01 ZERE 'S VON BORN EVERY EIGHT HOURS , YOU KNOW . $ 02 NO , I DIDN'T . $ IS THAT TRUE ? $ 01 OH , JA , JA . $ NOT ALL AS BAD AS ZEES CASE , OF COURSE - $ 02 ISN'T THERE ANYTHING AT ALL WE CAN DO ? $ 01 BUT JAWOHL ! $ YOU MUST FEED HER , VOSH HER NAPPIES , KEEP HER VARM . $ JUST LIKE ANY OZZER MOZZER . $ 02 BUT FOR HOW LONG ? $ 01 WHO CAN TELL ? $ ANYSING CAN HAPPEN , YOU KNOW ZAT . $ DIPHTHERIA , PNEUMONIA ... VOOPING COUGH ... COLORADO BEETLE . $ < ( SHEILA LAUGHS . $ THEY COME OUT OF CHARACTER . ) > $ 02 OH , THAT 'S TERRIBLE . $ COLORADO BEETLE . $ 01 I ONLY JUST THOUGHT OF THAT . $ 02 IT 'S TERRIBLE . $ 01 SO - WHAT HAPPENED THEN ? $ WE BROUGHT HER HOME . $ 02 AND THE HOSPITAL PASSED THE CAN BACK TO OUR LOCAL G.P. $ 01 THE PIECAN . $ 02 HE HAD TO SUPPLY PHENOBARBITONE AND KEEP US HAPPY . $ HE USED TO COME ONCE A WEEK TO EXPLAIN HER FITS . $ #38 $ IN LAYMAN'S TERMS . $ 01 YOU DIDN'T FIND OUT MUCH ? $ 02 ABOUTS FITS , NO . $ BUT I LEARNT A LOT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS ON A SWICHBOARD WHEN T HE LINES GET CROSSED . $ 01 OR AT A RAILWAY JUNCTION DURING FOG . $ 02 BUT THE TIME CAME WHEN I ASKED HIM WHOSE FAULT IT WAS . $ 01 WHICH IS WHEN HE SUGGESTED THE VICAR MIGHT CALL . $ 02 YES . $ NICE VICAR . $ SENSITIVE . $ SO CONCERNED AND UPSET AT THE SIGHT OF JOE - THE FITS WERE U NUSUALLY BAD THAT DAY - SO WE LEFT HER IN THE COT AND HAD OU R CHAT IN ANOTHER ROOM . $ < ( SHE THROWS THE CUSHION TO BRI , WHO PUTS IT ON SOFA . ) > $ < ( QUITE A LONG PAUSE WHILE THEY PREPARE THEMSELVES FOR THE NEXT SCENE . $ THE MOOD CHANGES SLIGHTLY . $ BRI ALLOWS SHEILA TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE AND PLAYS THE VICAR QUIETLY , EVEN SERIOUSLY , TO BEGIN WITH . $ THEY GO UPSTAGE AND SHE BRINGS HIM DOWN AGAIN WHEN THEY ARE READY . ) > $ HERE WE ARE . $ DO TAKE A PEW . $ < ( BRI , AS VICAR , LAUGHS . ) > $ OH ! $ < ( SHE LAUGHS TOO . ) > $ 01 SHE 'S A BEAUTIFUL CHILD . $ 02 YES , ISN'T SHE ? $ 01 IT 'S TRAGIC . $ TELL ME - WHEN YOU FIRST - KNEW THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE DONE , HOW DID YOU FEEL ? $ 02 WELL , OF COURSE , YOU FIND OUT GRADUALLY , NOT ALL AT ON CE . $ BUT THERE IS A POINT WHEN YOU FINALLY ACCEPT IT . $ AND THAT 'S - $ < ( SHAKES HER HEAD . )> $ OH , VERY NASTY . $ YOU THINK " WHY ME ? " $ I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE OTHER MOTHERS BUT I KEPT SAYING , " W HY ME , WHY US ? " ALL DAY LONG . $ THEN YOU GET TIRED OF THAT AND YOU SAY , " WHY NOT ME ? " $ 01 INDEED . $ YOU LEARN HUMILITY . $ YOU RECOGNIZE THAT WE ARE SURELY IN A VALE OF TEARS AND YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION . $ 02 I RECOGNIZED THAT I WAS WORSE . $ I 'D BEEN PROMISCUOUS , YOU SEE . $ ALL KINDS OF MEN . $ IT SEEMED TO ME I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR JOE , BEING PUNISHED . $ 01 NO , NO . $ 02 NO , I DON'T MEAN THAT EITHER . $ I HELD THE BABY BACK . $ OUT OF GUILT . $ #39 $ 01 REALLY , MY DEAR , YOU MUSTN'T BELIEVE THIS . $ PLENTY OF WOMEN WHO 'VE SLEPT AROUND AFTERWARDS BECOME SPLEN DID MOTHERS . $ PRE-MARITAL INTERCOURSE IS NO LONGER CONSIDERED A SERIOUS OB STACLE TO BEING TAKEN INTO THE FOLD . $ 02 NO ? $ 01 HAVEN'T YOU READ OUR PUBLICATIONS LATELY ? $ YOU SHOULD . $ THE GOOD OLD C. OF E. IS NOWADAYS A FAR MORE SWINGING SCENE THAN YOU SEEM TO SUPPOSE . $ 02 I SEE . $ 01 OH , SURELY . $ WHERE THE ACTION IS . $ 02 I 'VE NEVER COMMITTED ADULTERY . $ 01 THERE YOU ARE ! $ THAT 'S SPLENDID - FABULOUS ! $ CRAZY ! THINK NO MORE ABOUT IT . $ TELL ME , WHAT WAS YOUR HUSBAND'S REACTION TO THE CHILD ? $ 02 HE USED TO SAY , " THINK OF SOMETHING WORSE . " $ AND OF COURSE THAT 'S EASY . $ JOE COULD HAVE GROWN OLDER AND DEVELOPED INTO A REAL PERSON BEFORE IT HAPPENED . $ OR SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A VERY INTELLIGENT SPASTIC WITHOUT TH E USE OF HER LIMBS . $ WHICH IS WORSE , I THINK , THAN BEING A KIND OF LIVING PARSN IP . $ 01 QUOTE . $ YOU COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS . $ 02 YES . $ 01 AND THAT GIVES YOU FORTITUDE . $ 02 NO , BUT IT 'S SOMETHING TO DO . $ WHEN YOU 'RE UP AGAINST A - DISASTER OF THIS KIND - AN ACT O F GOD - $ < ( BRI CLEARS HIS THROAT . ) > $ - IT 'S SO NUMBING YOU FEEL YOU MUST MAKE SOME SENSE OF IT - OTHERWISE - YOU 'D - $ 01 GIVE UP HOPE ? $ 02 YES . $ MY HUSBAND DOESN'T FEEL THE NEED TO MAKE SENSE OF ANYTHING . $ HE LIVES WITH DESPAIR . $ 01 < ( COMING OUT OF CHARACTER ) > $ DID YOU TELL HIM THAT ? $ 02 WHY NOT ? $ 01 BIT SAUCY . $ 02 WELL , DON'T YOU ? $ 01 CAN'T ARGUE NOW . $ 02 < ( RESUMING SCENE ) > $ HE SAYS I SHOULDN'T LOOK FOR EXPLANATIONS . $ #40 $ 01 HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD ? $ 02 HIS OWN KIND OF GOD . $ A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE RUGBY FOOTBALLER . $ 01 IT 'S A START . $ PROVIDE SOME BASIS FOR ARGUMENT . $ < ( HE SMILES . ) > $ 02 HE DOESN'T LIKE ME PRAYING . $ 01 YOU HAVE BEEN PRAYING ? $ 02 WHAT ELSE CAN I DO ? $ I LOOK AT THAT FLAWLESS LITTLE BODY , THOSE GLORIOUS EYES , AND I PRAY FOR SOME MIRACLE TO - GET HER STARTED . $ IT SEEMS , IF WE ONLY KNEW THE KEY OR THE COMBINATION , WE C OULD GET HER MOVING . $ D' YOU THINK THE STORY OF THE SLEEPING BEAUTY WAS ABOUT A SP ASTIC ? $ 01 WHO CAN SAY INDEED ? $ < ( HE STANDS , MOVES ABOUT . ) > $ MY DEAR , YOUR CHILD'S SICKNESS DOESN'T PLEASE GOD . $ IN FACT , IT COMPLETELY BRINGS HIM DOWN . $ 02 WHY DOES HE ALLOW IT THEN ? $ 01 HOW CAN WE KNOW ? $ 02 THEN HOW CAN YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T PLEASE HIM ? $ 01 WE CAN'T KNOW . $ ONLY GUESS . $ IT MAY BE DISEASE AND INFIRMITY ARE DUE TO THE MISUSE OF THE FREEDOM HE GAVE US . $ PERHAPS THEY EXIST AS A STIMULUS TO RESEARCH . $ 02 RESEARCH ? $ 01 AGAINST INFIRMITY AND DISEASE . $ 02 BUT IF HE DIDN'T PERMIT DISEASE , WE SHOULDN'T NEED RESEA RCH . $ 01 BUT HE DOES SO WE DO . $ < ( SHE SIGHS , SHAKES HER HEAD . ) > $ MY DEAR , THE DEVIL IS BUSY DAY AND NIGHT . $ GOD DOES HIS BEST BUT WE DON'T HELP HIM MUCH . $ NOW AND THEN SOME INNOCENT BYSTANDER BLUNDERS INTO THE CROSS -FIRE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL AND - $ < ( MAKES GUNFIRE NOISES , RICOCHET-SOUNDS , FALLS ELABORATE LY CLUTCHING HIS CHEST . $ STANDS AGAIN , DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN , BEFORE PROCEEDING . $ SHEILA WATCHES CALMLY . ) > $ OR - IF YOU CAN IMAGINE A POISONOUS BLIGHT THAT SETTLES ON A N ORCHARD OF MANY DIFFERENT VARIETIES OF TREE - $ 02 NO , PLEASE , NO MORE PARABLES . $ I 'VE HAD SO MANY FROM THE DOCTOR ! $ #41 $ 01 BUT HOW CAN I EXPLAIN WITHOUT IMAGERY OF - $ 02 I MISLED YOU . $ I DON'T WANT EXPLANATIONS . $ I 'VE ASKED THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO EXPLAIN AND THEY COULDN'T . $ 01 WHAT DO YOU WANT ? $ 02 MAGIC . $ 01 I WAS SLOWLY COMING ROUND TO THAT . $ ONCE OR TWICE , OVER THE YEARS , WE HAVE HAD IN THIS PARISH CHILDREN LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER . $ 02 JUST AS BAD ? $ 01 OH , YES , I 'M SURE , QUITE AS BAD . $ NOW FOR THOSE POOR INNOCENTS I DID THE LAYING ON OF HANDS BI T . $ 02 WHAT IS THAT ? $ 01 A SIMPLE CEREMONY IN YOUR OWN HOME . $ A FEW PRAYERS , A HYMN OR TWO , A BLESSING , AN IMPOSITION O F HANDS . $ NOTHING FLASHY . $ 02 WHO 'D BE THERE ? $ 01 YOU , YOUR HUSBAND , ANYONE YOU CHOSE . $ 02 MY HUSBAND ? $ 01 YES . $ AND IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH HE NEEDS INSTRUCTION . $ HIS PRAYERS WOULD HARDLY HELP US IF ADDRESSED TO A MANIC-DEP RESSIVE RUGBY FOOTBALLER . $ 02 NO . $ 01 GOD MIGHT FEEL AFFRONTED . $ 02 YES . $ 01 HE 'S ONLY HUMAN . $ NO , HE 'S NOT , HOW SILLY OF ME ! $ 02 PERHAPS YO COULD HAVE A WORD WITH HIM . $ OVER A PINT . $ 01 AH , WITH YOUR HUSBAND , YES . $ NOT THAT THERE 'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH RUGBY . $ SCRUM-HALF MYSELF FOR YEARS . $ JUST THAT I FEEL ONE SHOULDN'T MAKE A RELIGION OF IT . $ 02 WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN - DID YOU HAVE ANY LUCK ? $ DID GOD - YOU KNOW - $ 01 THERE WAS ONE BOY - NO BETTER THAN JOE - MADE SUCH RAPID RECOVERY AFTER I 'D DONE THE LAYING ON A FEW TIMES - THE MED ICOS CONFESSED THEMSELVES BEWILDERED . $ HE 'S TWELVE NOW AND THIS SPRING HE WAS RUNNER-UP IN THE SOU TH WEST AREA TAP-DANCING CHAMPIONSHIPS . $ 02 HOW FANTASTIC ! $ < ( BRI BEGINS DANCING AND SINGING . ) > $ #42 $ 01 HAPPY FEET , I 'VE GOT THOSE HAPPY FEET , GIVE ME A LOW D OWN BEAT - $ < ( DANCES AND SINGS WITHOUT WORDS . $ THEN STOPS . ) > $ 02 D' YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD - WORK A MIRACLE ? $ 01 NOT ME , MY DEAR . $ IF A MIRACLE HAPPENS , IT 'S ONLY THROUGH ME . $ BUT REMEMBER JAIRUS'S DAUGHTER - " DAMSEL , I SAY UNTO THEE , ARISE . " $ WHO KNOWS ? $ PERHAPS IN A FEW YEARS' TIME WE SHALL SEE LITTLE JOE - $ < ( DANCES AND SINGS AGAIN . ) > $ ANIMAL CRACKERS IN MY SOUP LIONS AND TIGERS LOOP THE LOOP . $ 02 < ( STANDING , BREAKING OUT OF SKETCH ) > $ BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO IT ! $ < ( SHE MOVES AWAY . $ BRI DROPS HIS VICAR IMITATION . ) > $ HE WAS A GOOD MAN , KIND AND SINCERE . $ 01 HE WAS , YES . $ 02 AND THAT BOY WAS CURED . $ 01 CERTAINLY IMPROVED . $ AND , YES , HE WAS THE RUNNER-UP IN THE SOUTH WEST AREA TAP DANCING CHAMPIONSHIPS . $ BUT . $ HE NEVER HAD BEEN AS BAD AD JOE . $ 02 I DON'T CARE - $ 01 I LOOKED INTO IT - $ 02 YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE . $ 01 I SPOKE TO PEOPLE - $ 02 WHERE 'S THE HARM ? $ WHAT ELSE DID WE HAVE ? $ 01 NOTHING . $ 02 WELL ! $ 01 I 'D RATHER HAVE NOTHING THAN A LOT OF LIES . $ 02 YOU 'RE UNUSUAL . $ 01 FIRST HE 'D HAVE DONE IT FOR US , THEN HE 'D HAVE GOT A F EW OF HIS MATES IN TO GIVE THE PRAYERS MORE WHOOSH ! $ MORE POW ! $ AND BEFORE LONG HE 'D HAVE HAD US DOING IT IN CHURCH GLOATED OVER BY ALL THOSE DEATH-WATCH BEETLES LIKE THE VICTIMS OF A DISASTER . $ 02 IT COULD HAVE WORKED . $ HE MIGHT HAVE MAGICKED HER . $ 01 I 'M SURE IT WAS BEST TO STOP IT THEN THAN LATER ON - AFT ER HE 'D RAISED YOUR HOPES . $ SHEILA - $ < ( SHE LOOKS AT HIM , SMILES . ) > $ ANYWAY . $ IF THE VICAR HAD GOT HER GOING , SHE 'D ONLY HAVE HAD ONE PE RSONALITY . $ #43 $ AS IT IS , WE 'VE GIVEN HER DOZENS DOWN THE YEARS . $ 02 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ AS SOON AS WE WERE ADMITTED TO THE FREEMASONRY OF SPASTICS P ARENTS , WE SAW SHE HAD EVEN LESS CHARACTER THAN THE OTHER C HILDREN . $ SO WE BEGAN TO MAKE THEM FOR HER . $ 01 SOME NEVER REALLY SUITED . $ 02 NO . $ LIKE THE CONCERT PIANIST DYING OF T.B. $ 01 NOR THE GIRL WHO WAS TRAGICALLY IN LOVE WITH A DARKIE AGA INST HER PARENTS' WISHES . $ 02 THAT WAS BASED ON " WOULD YOU LET YOUR DAUGHTER MARRY ONE ? " $ 01 I USED TO LIKE THE DRUNKEN BAG WHO THREW BOTTLES AT US IF WE DIDN'T FETCH HER GIN AND PIPE-TOBACCO . $ 02 BUT THEY WERE ALL TOO ACTIVE . $ THE FACIAL EXPRESSION WASN'T RIGHT . $ 01 THE ONE THAT 'S STUCK IS THE COACH-TOUR LADY ... POWDER-P INK FELT HAT , WHITE GLOVES , CUBAN HEEL SHOES , SWAGGER-COA T ... $ 02 AND SEASICK PILLS IN HER HANDBAG JUST IN CASE THERE 'S A LOT OF TWISTING AND TURNING . $ 01 SHE HATES FOREIGNERS - $ 02 AND COUNCIL-HOUSES - $ 01 AND SHAFTING . $ SHE KNOWS TO HER COST WHAT THAT CAN LEAD TO . $ 02 LOVES THE QUEEN - $ 01 AND JESUS . $ SHE SEES HIM AS AN ECCENTRIC ENGLISH GENTLEMAN . $ SORT OF LAWRENCE OF ARABIA . $ 02 VERY DISAPPROVING OF PLEASURE . $ 01 NOT ALL PLEASURE . $ A NICE JULIE ANDREWS FILM WITH TEA AFTER - $ 02 TEA IN THE ODEON CAFE - $ 01 NOTHING NICER . $ WHICH REMINDS ME . $ I 'M SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING HER TEA . $ IN THIS PLAY WE STARTED DOING . $ < ( LOOKS AT HIS WATCH . ) > $ 02 WE GOT SIDE-TRACKED . $ 01 SHE 'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME . $ SHE 'LL HAVE ME ON THE CARPET . $ " NICE THING LEAVING THE TABLE BEFORE YOU 'VE FINISHED EATIN G , LEAVING ME STUCK HERE LIKE JOE EGG ... " $ < ( GOES OFF . ) > $ < ( SHEILA WATCHES HIM OUT OF SIGHT . ) > $ #44 $ 02 I JOIN IN THESE JOKES TO PLEASE HIM . $ IF IT HELPS HIM LIVE WITH HER , I CAN'T SEE THE HARM , CAN Y OU ? $ HE HASN'T ANY FAITH SHE 'S EVER GOING TO IMPROVE . $ WHERE I HAVE , YOU SEE ... I BELIEVE , EVEN IF SHE SHOWED IM PROVEMENT , BRI WOULDN'T NOTICE . $ HE 'S DENSE ABOUT FAITH - FAITH ISN'T BELIEVING IN FAIRY-TAL ES , IT 'S BEING IN A RECEPTIVE STATE OF MIND . $ I 'M ALWAYS ON THE LOOK-OUT FOR SOME SIGN ... $ < ( LOOKS OFF AGAIN TO WINGS TO MAKE SURE BRI 'S NOT COMING . ) > $ ONE DAY WHEN SHE WAS - WHAT ? - ABOUT A TWELVE MONTH OLD , I SUPPOSE , SHE WAS LYING ON THE FLOOR KICKING HER LEGS ABOUT AND I WAS DOING THE FLAT . $ I 'D MADE A LITTLE TOWER OF FOUR COLOURED BRICKS - PLASTIC B RICKS - ON A RUG NEAR HER HEAD . $ I GOT ON WITH MY DUSTING AND WHEN I LOOKED AGAIN I SAW SHE ' D KNOCKED IT DOWN . $ I PUT THE FOUR BRICKS UP AGAIN AND THIS TIME WATCHED HER . $ FIRST HER EYES , USUALLY MOVING IN ALL DIRECTIONS , MUST HAV E GLANCED IN PASSING AT THIS BRIGHT TOWER . $ THEN THE ARM THAT SIDE BEGAN TO SHOW REAL SIGNS OF INTENTION ... AND HER FIST STARTED CLENCHING AND - SPREADING WITH THE EFFORT . $ THE OTHER ARM - HELD THERE LIKE THAT - $ < ( RAISES ONE BENT ARM TO SHOULDER LEVEL ) > $ DIDN'T MOVE . $ AT ALL . $ YOU SEE THE IMPORTANCE - SHE WAS USING FOR THE FIRST TIME ON E ARM INSTEAD OF BOTH . $ SHE 'D SEEN SOMETHING , TOUCHED IT AND FOUND THAT WHEN SHE T OUCHED IT WHATEVER-IT-WAS WAS CHANGED . $ FELL DOWN . $ NOW HER BENT ARM STARTED TWITCHING TOWARDS THE BRICKS . $ MUST HAVE TAKEN - I SHOULD THINK - TEN MINUTES' - STRENUOUS LABOUR - TO REACH THEM WITH HER FINGERS ... THEN HER HAND JE RKED IN A SPASM AND SHE PULLED DOWN THE TOWER . $ < ( RELIVING THE EPISODE , SHE PUTS HER HANDS OVER HER FACE TO REGAIN COMPOSURE . ) > $ I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THAT WAS LIKE . $ BUT YOU CAN IMAGINE , CAN'T YOU ? $ SEVERAL TIMES THE HAND VERY NEARLY TOUCHED AND GOT JERKED AW AY BY SPASM ... AND SHE 'D TRY AGAIN . $ THAT WAS THE BEST OF IT - SHE HAD A WILL , SHE HAD A MIND OF HER OWN . $ SOON AS BRI CAME HOME , I TOLD HIM . $ I THINK HE SAID SOMETHING STUPID LIKE - YOU KNOW - " THAT 'S GREAT , PUT HER DOWN FOR PIANO LESSONS . $ BUT WHEN HE TESTED HER - PUTTING PILES OF BRICKS ALL LONG TH E CIRCLE OF HER REACH - BOTH ARMS - AND EVEN SOMETIMES OUT O F REACH SO THAT SHE HAD TO STRETCH TO GET THERE - WELL , OF COURSE , HE SAW IT WAS TRUE . $ IT WASN'T MUCH TO WAIT FOR - ONE ARM MOVEMENT COMPLETED - AN D EVEN THAT WASN'T SURE . $ #45 $ SHE 'D FALL ASLEEP , THE FIRELIGHT WOULD DISTRACT HER , SOME TIMES THE EFFORT WOULD BRING ON A FIT . $ BUT MORE OFTEN THAN NOT SHE 'D MANAGE ... AND A VEGETABLE CO ULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT . $ VISITORS NEVER BELIEVED IT . $ THEY HADN'T THE PATIENCE TO WATCH SO LONG . $ AND IT AMAZED ME - I REMEMBER BEING STUNNED - WHEN I REALIZE D THEY THOUGHT I SHOULDN'T DECEIVE MYSELF . $ FOR ONE THING , IT WASN'T DECEPTION ... AND , ANYWAY , WHAT ELSE COULD I DO ? $ WE GOT VERY ABSORBED IN THE DAILY GAMES . $ FOUND HER COLOURED BALLS AND BELLS AND A KELLY - THOSE CLOWN S THAT WON'T LIE DOWN . $ THEN SHE CAUGHT SOME BUG AND WAS VERY SICK ... HAD FIT AFTER FIT - THE GRAND MAL , NOT THE OTHERS - WHAT AMOUNTED TO A C OMPLETE RELAPSE . $ WHEN SHE WAS OVER IT , WE TRIED THE BRICKS AGAIN , BUT SHE C OULDN'T EVEN SEEM TO SEE THEM . $ THAT WAS WHEN BRI LOST INTEREST IN HER . $ I STILL TRY , THOUGH OF COURSE I DON'T BOTHER TELLING HIM . $ I 'LL TELL HIM WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS . $ IT SEEMS TO ME ONLY COMMON SENSE . $ IF SHE DID IT ONCE , SHE COULD AGAIN . $ I THINK WHILE THERE 'S LIFE THERE 'S HOPE , DON'T YOU ? $ < ( LOOKS TO WINGS AGAIN . ) > $ I WISH HE 'D TALK MORE SERIOUSLY ABOUT HER . $ I WONDER IF HE EVER IMAGINES WHAT SHE 'D BE LIKE IF HER BRAI N WORKED . $ I DO . $ AND BRI'S MOTHER ALWAYS SAYS , " WOULDN'T SHE BE LOVELY IF S HE WAS RUNNING ABOUT ? " WHICH MAKES BRI HOOT WITH LAUGHTER . $ BUT I THINK OF IT TOO . $ PERHAPS IT 'S BEING A WOMAN . $ < ( LIGHTS OFF SHEILA . $ LIGHTS ON SET UPSTAGE , VERY STRONG LIKE A CONTINUOUS LIGHTN ING FLASH . ) > $ < ( JOE SKIPS ON , USING A ROPE . ) > $ 03 MRS. D , MRS. I , MRS. FFI , MRS. C , MRS. U , MRS. LTY M RS. D , MRS . I , MRS. FFI , MRS. C , MRS. U , MRS. LTY . $ < ( STOPS SKIPPING . ) > $ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN , THERE WILL NOW BE AN INTERVAL . $ AFTERWARDS THE ORDINARY PLAY , WITH WHICH WE BEGAN THE PERFO RMANCE , WILL CONTINUE AND WE SHALL TRY TO SHOW YOU WHAT HAP PENS WHEN SHEILA RETURNS HOME WITH THEIR MUTUAL FRIENDS , FR EDDIE AND PAM . $ THANK YOU . $ < ( SHE BOWS AND RESUMES SKIPPING . ) > $ #46 $ < ACT TWO > $ < DARKNESS . $ SHEILA OPENS HALL DOOR AND LOOKS IN , LIGHT BEHIND HER . > $ 02 NO . $ < ( COMES IN , PUTS ON LIGHTS . ) > $ NOT IN HERE . $ MUST BE WORKING . $ MIRACLES NEVER CEASE . $ < ( FREDDIE AND PAM FOLLOW IN . $ HE IS SUITED , SCHOOL-TIED , WITH A HEARTY BARKING HUMOURLES S LAUGH , SAME AGE AS BRI BUT HIS AMPLE PUBLIC CONFIDENCE MA KES HIM SEEM MIDDLE-AGED . ) > $ < ( PAM DRESSES WELL , MISPRONOUNCES HER WORDS IN AN UPPER-C LASS GABBLE AND HER POSTURES AND MANNERS HAVE BEEN TAKEN FRO M FASHIONABLE MAGAZINES . $ SHE USES THIS POSTURE TO HOLD HER OWN AGAINST FREDDIE'S HEAR TINESSS . ) > $ 05 NOT HERE ? $ 02 MUST BE WORKING IN THE ATTIC . $ 04 OR GONE TO BED . $ 05 AT TEN O'CLOCK ? $ 02 PERHAPS HIDING ? $ < ( SHE LOOKS ABOUT THE ROOM BEHIND VARIOUS PIECES OF FURNIT URE . ) > $ < ( FREDDIE AND PAM LOOK AT EACH OTHER . ) > $ NO . $ WORKING . $ 04 GORGEOUS ROOM . $ 02 OH , PAM , NO ! $ 04 ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS . $ NOT THE ROOM SO MUCH , WHAT YOU 'VE DONE WITH IT . $ 02 COST ABSOLUTELY NOTHING . $ 04 IT 'S TERRIBLY P.L.U. $ ISN'T IT , DARLING ? $ 02 HOW 'S THAT ? $ 04 P.L.U. PEOPLE LIKE US . $ THAT DRESSER , FOR INSTANCE - $ 02 TWELVE AND SIX . $ 04 NO ! $ 02 IN A COUNTRY SALE . $ 04 ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS . $ I 'M GREEN , AREN'T YOU , DARLING ? $ 05 YES , BUT HOW MANY COATS OF PAINT DID YOU TAKE OFF ? $ #47 $ 02 THREE . $ CREAM , BROWN AND GREEN . $ 04 LORD , THE PLEBS AND THEIR LAVATORY COLOURS . $ 02 FREDDIE , YOU DON'T FEEL I BULLIED YOU ? $ 05 WHAT ? $ 02 INTO COMING BACK HERE ? $ SIT DOWN , DO . $ 05 NO . $ WHY ? $ 02 I FEEL I DID . $ CARRYING ON LIKE THAT . $ CRYING . $ I 'VE BEEN GOING HOT AND COLD EVER SINCE . $ DON'T TELL BRI , WILL YOU ? $ 05 WHAT ? $ 02 HOW I CRIED . $ 05 PLEASE . $ HOW D' YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE ? $ 05 HALF-AND-HALF . $ IT 'S NOTHING TO BE - $ 02 PAM ? $ HALF-AND-HALF ? $ 04 BLACK , PLEASE . $ 05 NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF . $ WISH I KNEW HOW TO GIVE WAY MORE TO MY EMOTIONS . $ MUST BE YEARS SINCE MY WATERWORKS WERE TURNED ON . $ 04 HOPE SO TOO . $ 05 IT 'S AN ENVIABLE CAPACITY . $ 04 GIVES ME THE CREEPS , A MAN IN TEARS . $ 05 THAT 'S WHY YOU CAN GIVE SO MUCH ON THE STAGE . $ 02 WAS IT ALL RIGHT TONIGHT ? $ 05 ALL RIGHT ? $ WAS IT ALL RIGHT ? $ A BIT MORE THAN ALL RIGHT , DUCKIE . $ 02 NO , TRULY . $ 05 TRULY . $ AN ELECTRIC EVENING . $ 02 IT FELT AWFUL . $ 05 PAM , YOU SAW IT . $ WAS IT AWFUL ? $ 04 GORGEOUS , YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS . $ 02 IT 'S A LOVELY PART . $ 05 YOU DRAW ON DEEP WELLS OF COMPASSION . $ 02 YOU ARE SWEET . $ < ( HE KISSES HER HAND . $ SHEILA , EMBARRASSED , SMILES AT PAM AS THOUGH TO INCLUDE HE R . $ PAM SMILES BACK . ) > $ < ( SHEILA GOES OFF UPSTAGE AND CALLS UP THE STAIRS ) . > $ BRI ! $ I 'M MAKING COFFEE , IF YOU WANT SOME . $ < ( SHUTS DOOR BEHIND HER . ) > $ < ( FREDDIE LOOKS AT COWBOY PAINTINGS , AS THOUGH HE THOUGHT OF BUYING ONE . ) > $ #48 $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ < ( PAM LOOKS AT HIM . ) > $ 05 CLEVER THESE . $ < ( BARKS . ) > $ DONE BY BRIAN , YOU KNOW . $ 04 THAT WAS GOOD - ABOUT BULLYING YOU . $ 05 WHAT ? $ 04 I NEARLY FELL ABOUT WHEN SHE SAID THAT . $ 05 'FRAID I 'M NOT WITH YOU . $ 04 BULLY YOU ! $ YOU WERE SO DAMNED KEEN TO GET IN HERE YOU FELL OUT OF THE C AR ! $ < ( FREDDIE LOOKS BACK AT PAINTINGS , PAUSES , MOVES AWAY . ) > $ 05 I FELL FROM THE CAR BECAUSE MY ANKLE WAS CAUGHT IN THE SA FETY BELT . $ < ( PAM LAUGHS . $ SHE HAS OPENED HER BAG AND TAKEN OUT A CIGARETTE . ) > $ GO ON . $ PISS YOURSELF . $ 04 DON'T BE COARSE . $ 05 THAT YOB ON THE MOTOR-BIKE NEARLY WENT OVER ME . $ 04 GIVE ME A MATCH , WILL YOU ? $ 05 I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO HELP THESE PEOPLE . $ 04 NOT ME , DARLING . $ 05 THEY NEED HELP . $ WE CAN AFFORD TO GIVE IT . $ < ( LIGHTS CIGARETTE . ) > $ YOU 'VE BEEN SMOKING LIKE A FURNACE ALL NIGHT . $ 04 AND ALL DAY . $ I ALWAYS SMOKE WHEN I 'M BORED . $ 05 IF YOU 'RE BORED , GO HOME . $ YOUR CAR 'S OUTSIDE . $ 04 I 'M BORED THERE TOO . $ ALL DAY . $ 05 THEN INTEREST YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE . $ SHEILA , FOR INSTANCE . $ WE 'VE DONE A LOT FOR SHEILA , DARLING . $ WE MUSTN'T STOP NOW . $ 04 YOU , NOT ME . $ 05 < ( EXPLAINING , TO AUDIENCE ) > $ WELL , I 'M NOT THE SORT TO SIT AROUND MAKING SYMPATHETIC NO ISES AND DOING SWEET F.A. , SO NATURALLY AS SOON AS I HEARD SHE 'D BEEN ON THE STAGE I SAW THE WAY TO HELP . $ GOT HER DOWN TO JOIN THE PLAYERS : FRIENDLY CROWD , NICE ATM OSPHERE ... WORKED LIKE A DOSE OF SALTS . $ SO WELL IN FACT , POOR OLD BRI 'S GONE SLIGHTLY HATCHA - THI NKS I 'M GETTING MY END AWAY WITH SHEILA . $ 04 HARDLY SURPRISING . $ HE 'S LEFT HOLDING THE BABY . $ #49 $ 05 EXACTLY . $ 04 LITERALLY . $ 05 YES , TRAGIC . $ WHICH IS WHY I 'M HERE . $ ( A ) TO TELL HIM THERE 'S NOTHING IN IT . $ ( B ) GET THEM BOTH TO SEE SENSE ABOUT THE POOR KIDDIE . $ AND ( C ) TO GIVE POOR BRIAN BACK AN INTEREST IN LIFE . $ < ( PAM MAKES A FACE , LOOKS AT HER WATCH . ) > $ 04 IT 'S GONE TEN NOW . $ WHAT SORT OF THING HAD YOU GOT IN MIND ? $ 05 WHAT FOR ? $ 04 TO GIVE HIM BACK AN - $ 05 AH . $ I THOUGHT FOR A STARTER , GET HIM DOWN TO SEE HIS WIFE IN TH E PLAY . $ 04 OF COURSE YOU 'RE JOKING . $ 05 NO . $ 04 YOU TOLD ME HE CAN'T STAND ACTING . $ 05 PART OF HIS CHOSEN IMAGE . $ IF HE LOVES THE WOMAN - AND HE CLAIMS HE DOES - $ 04 SHE 'S NOT EVEN ANY GOOD IN IT . $ 05 WILL YOU SHUT UP ! $ < ( LOOKS NERVOUSLY TOWARDS KITCHEN . ) > $ < ( PAM DID NOT LOWER HER VOICE . ) > $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ < ( FREDDIE MOVES AGAIN , LIKE A CROSS FATHER . ) > $ 04 WELL , IS SHE ? $ HE 'LL SEE IN A FLASH YOU 'RE GIVING HER CHARITY AND HE 'S H ARDLY THE KIND OF MAN WHO - $ 05 I THINK I KNOW HIM A SHADE BETTER THAN YOU . $ WE WERE AT SCHOOL TOGETHER . $ 04 SAME SCHOOL AT THE SAME TIME . $ I WOULDN'T EXACTLY CALL THAT " TOGETHER " . $ 05 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ SOME TRUTH IN THAT . $ HE WAS ALWAYS IN THE BACKWARD CLASSES . $ SPENT HIS TIME IN THE BACK ROWS FARTING AND SO FORTH - $ 04 FREDDIE ! $ 05 AND THERE WAS NO NEED FOR IT , HE WAS BRAINY ENOUGH . $ JUST GOT IN WITH THE WRONG CROWD . $ NO , THAT SOUNDS REACTIONARY BUT YOU 'VE ONLY GOT TO LOOK AT HIM . $ HALF-WAY THROUGH HIS LIFE AND NO DEGREE , NO FUTURE , NOT MU CH PAST ... COPING WITH THE ARSE-END OF A COMPREHENSIVE SCHO OL AND DRIVING A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD POPULAR . $ #50 $ < ( SHEILA ENTERS FROM KITCHEN . ) > $ 02 GINGER CAT DIDN'T COME IN HERE ? $ 04 HAVEN'T SEEN IT . $ < ( SHEILA MAKES TO GO . ) > $ WANT HELPING ? $ 02 NO , THANKS . $ < ( FREDDIE SCRATCHES HIS ARM . $ SHEILA LOOKS AT HIM . $ PAM SCRATCHES HER THIGH . $ SHEILA GOES . ) > $ 05 NOT THAT MY POSITION 'S ANYTHING TO BOAST ABOUT . $ I JUST TOOK OVER THE FACTORY WHERE DAD LEFT OFF . $ 04 OH , NOT QUITE , DARLING . $ YOU 'VE WORKED WONDERS . $ 05 ONLY BECAUSE I 'M DEAD KEEN . $ BUT I 'M NOT AS BRIGHT AS BRIAN , NOT NEARLY AS TALENTED . $ THAT 'S WHAT 'S SO GALLING TO ME AS A SOCIALIST . $ THE WASTE ! $ SINCE SCHOOL , AS A MATTER OF FACT , I SAW NOTHING OF HIM TI LL SIX MONTHS AGO . $ ON A TRAIN TO TOWN . $ I LEANED OVER AND SAID , " DUM SPIRO SPERO MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU ? " $ 04 MUST SAY IT DOESN'T TO ME . $ 05 OUR SCHOOL MOTTO . $ WHILE I LIVE I HOPE . $ 04 BIT SQUARESVILLE , DARLING . $ 05 < ( STOUTLY ) > $ I AM A BIT SQUARESVILLE ! $ ANYWAY - $ < ( CONTINUES TO AUDIENCE ) > $ - HE COULDN'T GET AWAY AND WE HAD A GOOD OLD BELLY-ACHE . $ TOLD ME ALL ABOUT HIS POOR KIDDIE AND HOW SHEILA WAS OBSESSE D WITH HER AND HOW KEEN HE WAS TO GET HER BACK IN THE SWIM . $ 04 SHEILA . $ 05 < ( BEWILDERED ) > $ YES . $ 04 NOT THE WEIRDIE . $ 05 THE WHAT ? $ 04 YOU KNOW . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 05 DON'T CALL HER A WEIRDIE , DARLING . $ 04 I KNOW , DARLING , IT 'S ABSOLUTELY HORRID . $ BUT SHE IS , THOUGH , ISN'T SHE ? $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 05 TRY TO IMAGINE THAT ONE OF OURS HAS TURNED OUT LIKE THAT . $ #51 $ 04 < ( SHOCKED ) > $ DARLING ! $ THEY 'RE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS , HOW COULD YOU ? $ < ( PAUSE FREDDIE GIVES UP , RETURNS TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ 05 I DON'T WANT TO SOUND AUTHORITARIAN OR FASCIST BUT THERE 'S ONLY ONE USEFUL APPROACH TO ANY HUMAN PROBLEM AND THAT 'S A POSITIVE ONE . $ NO USE SAYING : " THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE , IN EVERY NIGHT WI TH A HOPELESS CRIPPLE . " $ NO USE AT ALL . $ SAME WITH PROBLEM TEENAGERS . $ YOU DON'T SAY , " NAUGHTY BOY , GO STAND IN THE CORNER . " $ YOU SAY , " GET HOLD OF THESE NAILS AND A HAMMER ! " $ THEN YOU 'RE IN BUSINESS . $ < ( DOOR OPENS AND FREDDIE TURNS TO MEET A LARGE PORTRAIT OF A COWBOY , LIFE-SIZE , SOMETHING LIKE AN OLD PHOTOGRAPH . $ IT IS PUSHED ON SIDEWAYS THROUGH THE SLIGHTLY OPENED DOOR . $ FROM BEHIND IT COMES A HAND HOLDING A REVOLVER . $ SHOOTS OFF CAPS . $ FREDDIE BARKS WITH LAUGHTER . $ BRI COMES FROM BEHIND PICTURE , BRINGS IT RIGHT IN , CLOSES DOOR . $ HE IS IN PAINTING CLOTHES . ) > $ 05 WELL , WELL ! $ 01 NICE SURPRISE , FRED . $ HULLO , PAM . $ NICE HAVING COMPANY . $ STUCK IN HERE EVERY NIGHT LIKE JOE EGG . $ 04 LIKE WHO ? $ 01 JOE EGG . $ MY GRANDMA USED TO SAY , " SITTING ABOUT LIKE JOE EGG , " WH EN SHE MEANT SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO . $ 05 WE 'VE BEEN HERE AGES . $ DIDN'T YOU HEAR ? $ 01 I WAS MILES AWAY . $ 05 IN THE ATTIC . $ SHEILA SAID YOU - $ 01 IN THE SALOON . $ PAINTING WILD BILL HICKOCK . $ POSED FOR THIS JUST BEFORE HIS LAST POKER GAME . $ THEY GOT HIM IN THE BACK . $ LOOK AT HIS POSE . $ HE FANCIED HIMSELF . $ 05 VERY GOOD . $ IT REALLY IS . $ VERY GOOD . $ WITTY . $ < ( LAUGHS . ) > $ AND THIS ONE - FROM THE SAME SERIES ? $ < ( POINTS TO ONE ON THE WALL . ) > $ 01 AH . $ THAT 'S A STORY PICTURE . $ " WHERE 'S THE SODDING BUGLE-CALL ? " $ THE BELEAGUERED FORT HOLDING OUT FOR THE CAVALRY THAT NEVER COMES . $ FEW ROUNDS LEFT , SIOUX CLOSING IN . $ INSET : CAVALRYMAN POLISHING HIS HARNESS , SMILING FOR THE R ECRUITING POSTERS . $ < ( TURNS UP HIS NOSE AT IT . ) > $ BIT PREACHY . $ 05 WHY NOT ? $ IF IT 'S A MESSAGE THAT NEEDS - $ 01 RATHER HAVE THE PURE HEROIC IMAGE MYSELF . $ LIKE THIS ONE . $ < ( MOVES TO THE THIRD . ) > $ THE THALIDOMIDE KID . $ FASTEST GUN IN THE WEST . $ #52 $ ON THE SLIGHTEST IMPULSE FROM HIS RUDIMENTARY ARMSTUMPS , TH E STEEL HANDS FLY TO THE HOLSTERS , HE SPINS ON SOLID RUBBER TYRES AND - PSCHOO ! $ < ( HE BLAZES AWAY . ) > $ 05 THAT 'S A BIT TOO SICK FOR ME . $ < ( BRI PROPS THE PICTURE AGAINST THE WALL . $ FREDDIE MOVES AWAY . $ BRI COMES DOWN TO AUDIENCE , CIRCLING . ) > $ GIVE ME A GOOD MESSAGE ANY TIME . $ 01 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ WHAT 'S HE DOING HERE ? $ < ( TO FREDDIE . ) > $ I MEANT TO DO GERONIMO TONIGHT BUT JOE HAD TO BE - UM - ATTE NDED TO - AND - $ < ( SHEILA COMES IN WITH FOUR CUPS . ) > $ - BY THE TIME I 'D GOT HER TO BED , IT HARDLY SEEMED WORTH B LACKING UP . $ 02 YOU 'VE BEEN PAINTING . $ 01 < ( DEFENSIVELY ) > $ I WORE MY OLD CLOTHES . $ 02 BRIAN , FANCY SAYING THAT ! $ I WANT YOU TO PAINT . $ THAT 'S THE ONLY REASON I TAKE THESE PARTS . $ 01 HOW DID IT GO - THE PRACTICE ? $ 05 OH , BLOOD , SWEAT AND TEARS , YOU KNOW , BUT IT 'S COMIN G . $ 02 DID YOU MENTION JOE ? $ 01 I SAID I HAD TO ATTEND TO HER . $ 02 YOU MEAN THE USUAL ? $ 01 GOT SOME DRINK , HAVEN'T WE ? $ 02 BRIAN ! $ 01 < ( LOOKING IN CUPBOARD ) > $ WHAT ? $ 02 YOU MEAN THE USUAL ? $ 01 BIT MORE THAN USUAL . $ 02 WHAT D' YOU MEAN ? $ 01 CYPRUS SHERRY OR SPANISH COGNAC . $ CHRIST ! $ 02 < ( SHOUTS ) > $ BRIAN ! $ < ( HE STARES . ) > $ WHAT D' YOU MEAN BY MORE THAN USUAL ? $ 01 < ( SHOUTS ) > $ WE HAD A ROW . $ SHE FLOUNCED OUT AND SLAMMED THE DOOR . $ 02 NO SILLY JOKES . $ SHE 'S ALL RIGHT ? $ 01 I 'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT . $ HERE WE ARE - ALL SET FOR A CIVILIZED CONVERSATION AND YOU K EEP ON ABOUT THAT POOR CRACKPOT . $ SPANISH COGNAC , FRED ? $ #53 $ 05 < ( EMBARRASSED , SLIGHTLY ANGRY ) > $ THANK YOU . $ 01 SHEILA'S PARENTS BROUGHT IT BACK FROM TORREMOLINOS . $ SURE YOU WOULDN'T SOONER HAVE CIDER ? $ 05 NO . $ WHY ? $ 01 I JUST REMEMBERED YOU 'RE A SOCIALIST . $ SO MANY PLACES YOU 'VE GOT TO BOYCOTT . $ WORSE THAN ENTERTAINING AN R.C. $ 05 I DON'T GO IN FOR THAT . $ MISGUIDED . $ A BLOW AGAINST FASCISM , APARTHEID ? $ VERY LIKELY ! $ ALL YOU HURT IS SOME POOR PEASANT . $ < ( DRINKS POURED AND GIVEN OUT . ) > $ 01 SPANISH COGNAC WITH INSTANT COFFEE . $ HIGH LIFE ON A TEACHER'S PAY . $ < ( SITS AND DRINKS . ) > $ 02 BRIAN , YOUR SHOES ! $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 YOU WORE YOUR TEACHING SHOES AND LOOK . THEY 'RE COVERED IN PAINT . $ 01 OH , GOD ! $ 02 JUST LOOK AT THEM ! $ FREDDIE , WHAT WOULD PAM SAY IF YOU GOT PAINT ON YOUR OFFICE SHOES ? $ 01 I 'M SORRY , HONEST , LOVE . $ 02 YOU CAN'T GET IT OFF ! $ 01 I 'LL GET IT OFF . $ 02 WHY DON'T YOU THINK ? $ GO AND CHANGE THEM , GO ON . $ 01 IT 'S DONE NOW . $ AND I 'M NOT PAINTING ANY MORE . $ 02 HONESTLY . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ AS THOUGH YOU COULDN'T HAVE CHANGED YOUR SHOES . $ < ( PAUSE . $ THEY DRINK . ) > $ 05 HOW IS TEACHING ? $ 01 OH , WE KEEP THEM OFF THE STREETS , YOU KNOW . $ EYES FRONT HANDS ON HEADS . $ 05 YOU STILL DON'T LIKE IT ? $ 01 IT 'S NOT EXACTLY GOOD-BYE MISTER CHIPS . $ 05 ALL THE SAME I ENVY YOU . $ REALLY . $ IN MANY WAYS I OFTEN WISH I 'D BEEN A TEACHER . $ 01 INSTEAD OF A RICH AND POWERFUL INDUSTRIALIST , YES , IT M UST BE LONELY . $ #54 $ < ( SHEILA LAUGHS TO REMOVE THE STING . ) > $ 05 < ( BARKING ) > $ RICH ? $ WHERE D' YOU GET THE IDEA I 'M RICH . $ 04 WE 'RE NOT RICH . $ 02 COMFORTABLE ? $ 04 COMFORTABLE , YES , NOT RICH . $ 05 NOR POWERFUL ! $ < ( BARKS . ) > $ YOU 'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TELLY . $ NO , HAMSTRUNG 'S NEARER THE MARK . $ I 'M LIKE A LAST-DITCH COLONIAL RUNNING THINGS TILL THE NATI VES HAVE GOT ENOUGH KNOW-HOW TO TAKE THE REINS . $ 01 THAT 'S RIGHT ? $ < ( TUT-TUTS AT THE THOUGHT . ) > $ DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORLD 'S COMING TO . $ 05 HOW ARE THINGS ON THE HOME FRONT , BRI ? $ 01 OH , MUCH THE SAME , YOU KNOW . $ 05 STUCK IN LIKE JOE EGG ? $ 01 YEAH . $ 05 LOOK - PERHAPS I 'M RUSHING IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD - $ 04 YOU ALWAYS DO . $ < ( FREDDIE BARKS . ) > $ 05 BUT - WHY DON'T YOU SEE ALL THE DOCTORS MONEY CAN BUY AND TELL THEM YOU WANT ANOTHER BABY . $ TO PUT IT BLUNTLY - ASK WHY YOU 'RE NOT HAVING ONE . $ 02 OH , WE 'VE HAD FERTILITY COUNTS . $ THAT WHAT YOU MEAN ? $ 05 YOU 'VE DONE THAT ? $ 01 YES . $ SHE WAS A MINUS , I WAS B PLUS . $ MUST CONCENTRATE MORE . $ 05 WELL DONE . $ I ADMIRE YOUR NERVE . $ MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T FANCY KNOWING FOR SURE . $ 02 NO . $ 'SPECIALLY MEN . $ OUR DOCTOR HAD AN EX-MAJOR WHO TURNED REALLY NASTY WHEN THEY TOLD HIM HE WAS SUB-FERTILE . $ WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT . $ HE KEPT SAYING , " BUT I WAS IN THE NORMANDY LANDINGS . " $ 01 " I DEMAND A RECOUNT . " $ 05 < ( BARKS WITH LAUGHTER ) > $ HAH ! $ POOR FELLOW . $ HOW ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING ! $ HOW ABOUT BOOSTERS ? $ 01 WHAT ? $ 05 FERTILITY BOOSTERS . $ 02 NO . $ 05 I KNOW A GYNAECOLOGIST IN LONDON , DID SO WELL BY A FRIEN D OF MINE HIS WIFE 'S APPLIED TO BE STERILIZED . $ #55 $ 04 GEORGINA ? $ 05 SHALL I FIX AN APPOINTMENT ? $ 02 I DON'T MIND . $ 05 IF ALL ELSE FAILS , I 'LL GET THE ADOPTION MACHINERY MOVI NG . $ TAKES SOME TIME AS A RULE BUT I CAN PUT SOME GINGER UNDER TH E RIGHT PEOPLE . $ GET IT MOVED TO THE TOP OF THE IN-TRAY . $ ALWAYS BACK OUT LATER IF YOU FIND YOU 'VE HIT THE SPOT . $ < ( SHEILA WINCES . ) > $ SO - WHATEVER HAPPENS - AT LEAST YOU 'LL HAVE A PROPER WORKI NG CHILD . $ 02 < ( SHRUGGING ) > $ TWO CHILDREN INSTEAD OF ONE . $ 01 SHE WON'T LIKE IT , MUM . $ 02 SHE LIKES TO RULE THE ROOST , DAD . $ 05 SURELY , MY DEAR , YOU CAN SEE YOU 'RE ONLY PREPARED TO G IVE UP YOUR LIFE TO LITTLE JOE BECAUSE THERE 'S NO ONE ELSE . $ ONCE YOU 'VE GOT A NORMAL HEALTHY BABY LOOKING UP AT YOU , S MILING AT YOU - DOES SHE SMILE ? $ - $ 01 SHE USED TO . $ NOW AND THEN . $ 02 OFTEN , OFTEN ! $ 05 A REAL BABY WILL SMILE EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT HER . $ AND SHE 'LL CRY TOO AND KEEP YOU UP EVERY NIGHT - AND CRAWL AND WALK AND TALK AND - $ 02 YES , I 'VE SEEN THEM . $ THEN WHAT ? $ 05 WELL - THEN - AT LEAST YOU 'LL BE IN A POSITION TO DECIDE . $ 02 WHAT ? $ 05 WHETHER TO LET JOE GO INTO A RESIDENTIAL SCHOOL . $ 01 WE 'VE TRIED THAT TOO . $ 05 OH ? $ 02 PUTTING HER AWAY , YES . $ 05 DON'T CALL IT THAT . $ 02 WHAT ELSE IS IT ? $ 01 SHE WORRIED ALL THE TIME , WOULDN'T LET HER STAY . $ 05 I 'M ON THE BOARD OF A WONDERFUL PLACE . $ THEY 'RE NOT PRISONS , YOU KNOW , NOT THESE DAYS . $ THEY 'RE RUN BY LOVING AND DEVOTED TEACHERS - HIDEOUSLY UNDE RPAID , BUT I 'M DOING WHAT I CAN IN THAT DIRECTION - $ 02 I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD THE NURSES ARE - SHE KNOWS ! $ SHE WAS ILL IN THAT PLACE . $ #56 $ 01 CHANGE OF DIET . $ 02 SHE WAS PINING . $ 05 THIS ISN'T A HOSPITAL , IT 'S A SPECIAL SCHOOL . $ 01 HOW 'S THE TIME GOING , PAM ? $ 05 A PRIVATE HOUSE . $ TREES ALL ROUND - $ 04 < ( TO SHEILA ) > $ THERE WAS A FABULOUS ARTICLE IN NOVA ABOUT IT . $ D' YOU REMEMBER ? $ 02 NO . $ 05 AND IF SHE IMPROVES , SHE CAN JOIN THEIR ACTIVITIES - $ 01 ACTIVITIES ? $ 05 PAINTING ... WHEELCHAIR GARDENING ... SPEECH THERAPY . $ 01 BETTER NOT TELL HER THAT , EH , MUM ? $ SHE THINKS SHE 'S VERY NICELY SPOKEN . $ ONE THING SHE DOES PRIDE HERSELF ON . $ 02 < ( TO FREDDIE ) > $ SHE WOULDN'T GO TO A SPECIAL SCHOOL . $ NOT EVEN IF YOU PUT SOME GINGER UNDER THEM . $ WE 'VE SEEN THE PLACE SHE 'D GO . $ NO PRIVATE HOUSE . $ NO PALLADIAN ASYLUM WITH ACRES OF GRACEFUL PARKLAND . $ 01 NOR VICTORIAN GOTHIC EVEN . $ 02 ARMY SURPLUS . $ LIKE A TRANSIT CAMP . $ 01 EXCEPT THEY 'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE . $ 02 FREDDIE , THANKS FOR TRYING BUT IT 'S TOO LATE , HONESTLY . $ I SHALL HAVE TO LOOK AFTER HER TILL SHE DIES . $ 01 OR UNTIL YOU DO . $ 02 YES . $ WHICHEVER 'S FIRST . $ 05 IS THAT POSSIBLE ? $ 02 WHAT ? $ 05 SHE COULD OUTLIVE YOU ? $ 02 WE KNOW ONE - A MAN OF SEVENTY-SIX , JUST BECOME A BOY SC OUT . $ THEY SAID THEY WOULDN'T HAVE HIM ANY LONGER IN THE CUBS . $ 05 THESE JOKES . $ MAY I SAY MY PIECE ABOUT THESE JOKES ? $ THEY 'VE OBVIOUSLY HELPED YOU SEE IT THROUGH . $ A USEFUL ANAESTHETIC . $ BUT . $ ISN'T THERE A POINT WHERE THE JOKES START USING YOU ? $ 02 I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SPEAK TO BRI ABOUT - $ 05 PLEASE . $ THIS FIRST . $ ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE FALLACY OF THE SICK JOKE ? $ IT KILLS THE PAIN BUT LEAVES THE SITUATION JUST AS IT WAS ? $ #57 $ LOOK - WHEN WE MET AGAIN - HOW MANY ? - SIX MONTHS ? - AGO - YOU USED , I REMEMBER , A STRIKING METAPHOR DESCRIBING SHEIL A'S STATE OF MIND . $ YOU SAID A CATARACT HAD CLOSED HER EYE - LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S NET CURTAINS , SCREENING OFF THE WORLD OUTSIDE . $ 01 DID I SAY THAT ? $ 05 IT STRUCK ME AS SO BLOODY APT . $ 01 SO BLOODY SMUG . $ 05 BUT IT WAS TRUE , DON'T YOU SEE ? $ AND NOW - IN MY OPINION - IT 'S ALL GONE ARSE-OVER-TIP . $ SHEILA 'S CURED AND YOU 'VE CAUGHT THE CATARACT . $ SHOOT ME DOWN IF I 'M ALL TO COCK . $ I 'M ONLY TRYING TO STRIP IT DOWN TO ESSENTIALS . $ THINKING ALOUD . $ 01 I WONDER - COULD YOU THINK MORE QUIETLY ? $ 05 AM I SHOUTING ? $ SORRY . $ I TEND TO RAISE MY VOICE WHEN I 'M HELPING PEOPLE . $ 01 ONLY MY HEAD 'S SPLITTING . $ 05 ALL RIGHT . $ < ( SITS BY BRI AND ADDRESSES HIM QUIETLY , EARNESTLY . ) > $ WHEN I SEE A YOUNG COUPLE GIVING UP THEIR LIVES TO A LOST CA USE , IT GIVES ME THE SCREAMING HABDABS . $ AS A SOCIALIST ! $ THE WASTE ! $ I THINK TO MYSELF : ALL RIGHT , I DON'T CARE , I AM MY BROTH ER'S KEEPER , I BLOODY WELL AM . $ 01 THAT 'S MUCH QUIETER , THANKS . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 05 ANOTHER JOKE . $ ANOTHER GIGGLE . $ 04 COME ON , FREDDIE , LET 'S GO - $ 05 THE WHOLE ISSUE 'S A GIGGLE . $ I THROW YOU A LIFELINE AND YOU GIGGLE . $ THE WHOLE COUNTRY GIGGLING ITS WAY TO DISASTER . $ 04 < ( TO BRI ) > $ SHE BROKE DOWN TONIGHT . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 05 PAM - $ 02 YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T - $ 04 IN A FLOOD OF TEARS . $ < ( TO FREDDIE . ) > $ COME ON - $ 05 < ( TAKING OVER ) > $ BECAUSE SHE CAN'T COPE ANY MORE WITH YOUR SUSPICIONS AND JEA LOUSIES . $ SO I SAID I 'D PUT YOU STRAIGHT ON ONE OR TWO POINTS . $ 04 WASTING YOUR BREATH , DARLING . $ 05 WE 'RE NOT GOING TO BED TOGETHER . $ 01 < ( TO SHEILA ) > $ SCAB ! $ #58 $ 05 ( B ) IT 'S HARDLY LIKELY BECAUSE ( A ) SHE LOVES YOU , ( A ) I LOVE PAM , AND ( C ) I 'VE GOT THREE SMASHING KIDS - $ 04 DARLING , I LOVE YOU TOO . $ 05 AND I 'M HARDLY LIKELY TO THROW ALL THAT AWAY FOR A BIT O N THE SIDE - HOWEVER GORGEOUS THE BIT MAY BE - $ < ( SMILING AT SHEILA ) > $ - AND THOUGH I 'M NOT A PRACTISING CHRISTIAN , I THINK I KNO W MY DUTY - $ 01 YES , BUT FRED - $ 05 AND - SQUARESVILLE OR NOT - I HAPPEN TO BELIEVE IN DUTY . $ 04 TERRIBLY SWEET . $ < ( THEY KISS . ) > $ 01 I HARDLY KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS NOW . $ AFTER YOUR MASTERLY DISMISSAL OF JOKES . $ BUT - HERE IT IS - THE WHOLE IDEA WAS JUST ANOTHER SICK FANT ASY . $ I KNOW YOU 'VE NEVER TOUCHED HER , LEAVE ALONE SHAFTED HER . $ 04 HE 'S A NUT . $ 01 I WANTED TO BRING BACK THE MAGIC TO OUR MARRIAGE . $ STIR IT UP , A KIND OF EMOTIONAL APHRODISTAC . $ 04 IF YOU EVER TRY THAT WITH ME , I 'LL LEAVE YOU . $ 05 I MAY BE SQUARESVILLE BUT I 'M NOT SICK . $ 02 < ( TO BRI ) > $ YOU 'RE SO ROUNDABOUT . $ 01 YOU WOULDN'T LET ME NEAR YOU . $ ALL DAY I 'D BEEN RUNNING BLUE MOVIES ON THE BACK OF MY RETI NA - THE PAIR OF US ROMPING ABOUT THE BED SHOUTING WITH SATI SFACTION . $ AND WHAT DID I GET ? $ - YOUR HANDS ARE COLD . $ 04 THIS IS TOO JUVENILE . $ LET 'S GO . $ 05 THAT 'S WHAT HE WANTS . $ < ( BRI GETS MORE DRINK . ) > $ BUT I WANT TO HELP HIM . $ < ( COMES TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ AM I WASTING MY TIME , D' YOU THINK ? $ < ( OFFSTAGE CHILDREN'S VOICES SING : ONCE IN ROYAL DAVID'S CITY . ) > $ 01 LISTEN TO THAT . $ THIS TIME OF NIGHT . $ HOW CAN PEOPLE HEAR THE TELLY ? $ 02 OH , SHE LOVES THE CAROLS . $ LET ME FETCH HER . $ 04 < ( SHOWING PANIC BRIEFLY ) > $ NO ! $ WE 'RE GOING . $ 02 YOU 'VE NEVER SEEN HER . $ WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO ? $ 05 I 'D LOVE TO . $ #59 $ 04 IT 'S TWENTY PAST TEN . $ 05 < ( SHRUGS ) > $ THE AU-PAIR GIRL WILL HAVE GONE TO BED . $ 04 YOUR TRAIN IN THE MORNING . $ 05 WHAT TRAIN ? $ NOT TOMORROW - $ 04 I THOUGHT IT WAS TOMORROW . $ 05 NO , DARLING . $ YOU 'D LIKE TO SEE HER , WOULDN'T YOU ? $ 04 LOVE TO . $ GIVE ME A MATCH . $ 05 < ( BARKS ) > $ YOU 'LL GET LUNG CANCER . $ 04 < ( IRRITABLY ) > $ THEY 'RE MY LUNGS . $ < ( SHEILA IS GOING . ) > $ 01 SHEILA - DON'T . $ 02 WHAT ? $ 01 I FORGOT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED - WHILE YOU WERE OUT . $ < ( PAUSE . $ SHE COMES BACK . ) > $ 02 WHAT ? $ 01 SHALL I TELL YOU ? $ 02 HAPPENED WHERE ? $ 01 HERE . $ FIRST - I FED JOE . $ < ( TO FREDDIE . ) > $ SHE WAS CONSTIPATED . $ SHE HADN'T BEEN FOR A WEEK SO I CHOSE A NICE TIN OF STRAINED PRUNES . $ WHAT MY GRANDMA USED TO CALL BLACK-COATED WORKERS . $ < ( SMILES BIG SHOW-BIZ SMILE EXPECTANTLY , DROPS IT . ) > $ THEY HAVE TO BE STRAINED STILL BECAUSE HER TEETH ARE - A BIT STUMPY ... AFTER I 'D GOT THAT LOT DOWN , I HAD A BITE MYSE LF , READ THE PAPER . $ BUT SHE KEPT HAVING LITTLE FITS AND WHIMPERING SO I PLONKED HER IN THE NURSERY . $ I THOUGHT TO MYSELF , " P'RAPS THE SPASM 'S HURTING , " SO I TRIED TO LOOSEN IT WITH EXERCISES . $ 02 THE CONSTIPATION HURTS HER . $ 01 < ( EXPLAINING TO FREDDIE ) > $ THE SPASM 'S IN THE BACK BETWEEN THE SHOULDERS . $ SHEILA GOT THIS METHOD OF BREAKING IT DOWN FROM A LADY WREST LER SHE MET AT AN OXFAM COFFEE PARTY . $ 02 < ( SMILE TO FREDDIE ) > $ A PHYSIOTHERAPIST . $ 01 YOU TAKE HER ARMS AND WRAP THEM ACROSS HER CHEST - LIKE S O - AND HOLD THEM VERY TIGHT - THEN PUSH HER HEAD RIGHT FORW ARD AND DOWN TILL HER CHIN 'S RAMMED IN BETWEEN HER COLLAR-B ONES . $ AS THOUGH YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE A PARCEL . $ < ( DEMONSTRATES . ) > $ I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT 'S ANY USE BUT I FACED THE FACT LONG AGO THAT I ENJOY IT . $ FIND MYSELF SMILING WHEN SHE CRIES . $ AT LEAST IT 'S A REACTION . $ #60 $ BUT TONIGHT SHE WOULDN'T STOP EVEN WHEN I LET HER GO . $ 02 THOSE FITS UPSET HER . $ 01 SO I UNDRESSED HER AND APPLIED A SUPPOSITORY . $ PUT A RUBBER SHEET UNDERNEATH AND DOUBLED HER UP LIKE A BOOK ... PRESSED ON HER STOMACH TO HELP ... AND AT LAST , OVER H ALF AN HOUR I THINK , SHE MANAGED NUMBER TWOS . $ 02 OH , GOOD . $ THAT WAS BOTHERING HER , POOR LOVE . $ 01 NO , LISTEN A MINUTE . $ IT WAS NO SOONER OUT THAT SHE STARTED ALL THAT GULPING AND L IP-SMACKING , STRETCHING HER ARMS , OPENING AND CLOSING HER BLIND EYES ... THE GRAND MAL ... I THOUGHT TO MYSELF , THAT 'S IT , THE LOT ! $ ALL YOU CAN DO . $ PAIN AND FITS . $ AND NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TEN YEARS , I THOUGHT : IS IT EVER WORTH IT ? $ 05 IT NEVER IS . $ 02 WORTH WHAT ? $ 05 THE EFFORT . $ 02 WE 'VE GOT NO CHOICE . $ 05 OF COURSE YOU HAVE . $ 01 ANYWAY . $ WHEN THE FIT WAS OVER I PROPPED HER IN HER CHAIR AND STOOD B EHIND HER AND PUT A CUSHION OVER HER MOUTH AND NOSE AND KEPT THEM THERE WHILE I COUNTED A HUNDRED . $ THERE WAS NO STRUGGLE OR ANYTHING . $ IT SEEMED VERY - PEACEFUL . $ < ( THE OTHERS ARE WATCHING HIM , MOTIONLESS . $ PAUSE . ) > $ 02 WHAT ? $ ... $ 04 GOD ! $ 01 WHEN IT WAS ALL OVER I TOOK THE CUSHION AWAY AND ... I SA ID , " NURSE , YOU HAVE SEEN NOTHING . $ WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER " ... $ I LOOKED UP TO SEE THE NURSE THROW OFF HER CAPE REVEALING TH E BURLY FIGURE OF SERGEANT BLAKE , SCOTLAND YARD . $ 02 < ( RELIEVED ) > $ HONESTLY , BRIAN ! $ 01 YOU ALMOST BELIEVED ME , DIDN'T YOU ? $ 05 NO ALMOST . $ I DID . $ 02 I SHOULD KNOW BY NOW . $ SHE IS ALL RIGHT , ISN'T SHE ? $ 01 YES . $ 02 I 'M GOING TO SEE HER . $ < ( MOVING OUT , BRI STOPS HER . ) > $ 01 DID YOU FEEL RELIEVED AT ALL , EVEN A LITTLE BIT , WHEN Y OY THOUGHT I 'D DONE IT ? $ #61 $ 02 DON'T BE SILLY . $ 01 NOT EVEN A TEENY-WEENY DROP RELIEVED TO THINK IT WAS ALL OVER ? $ 02 HOW COULD I ? $ HONESTLY . $ < ( SHE GOES OFF AND UP THE STAIRS . ) > $ 01 HOW ABOUT YOU ? $ 05 WHAT ? $ 01 WERE YOU RELIEVED AT ALL ? $ 05 OF COURSE NOT . $ HORRIFIED ! $ 01 BECAUSE IT WOULD BE MURDER ? $ 05 YOU CAN'T TAKE LIFE , MAN . $ 01 HER LIFE - WHAT IS IT ? $ 05 I DON'T CARE . $ 01 YOU 'VE NEVER SEEN HER . $ 05 I 'D LIKE TO SEE HER . $ 01 YOU SHALL IN A MINUTE . $ 04 DARLING , IT 'S HALF PAST - $ 01 < ( IGNORING HER ) > $ SHE 'S NOT ALIVE . $ WHAT CAN SHE DO ? $ 05 IT DOESN'T MATTER . $ 01 ASPHYXIATION DELAYED TEN YEARS BY DRUGS . $ 05 SHE SHOULD BE PUT AWAY . $ 01 EVERYONE 'S ALWAYS SAYING , " DO SOMETHING , " BUT WHEN I MAKE A SUGGESTION , IT 'S ALL WRONG . $ 05 IF ALL YOU CAN SUGGEST IS MURDER , YES . $ 01 LIVING WITH SHEILA , YOU GET TO WELCOME DEATH . $ WITH LIFE BURGEONING IN EVERY CRANNY . $ < ( MOVES ABOUT , LISTING THE WILD LIFE . ) > $ FLORA , FAUNA , GAWPING GOLDFISH ... BUDGIES ... BUSY LIZZIE ... CATS ... CATS' FLEAS ... $ 04 I KNEW I 'D BEEN ITCHING . $ 01 FLEAS FROM SIDNEY AND BEATRICE WEBB , WE 'RE NOT SURE WHI CH . $ WHEN THE TOM-KITTEN WAS BORN , SHEILA WANTED TO CALL HIM DIC K , BUT I DREW THE LINE THERE . $ STANDING ON THE FRONT STEPS LAST THING SHOUTING , " DICK , D ICK ! " $ MIGHT HAVE GOT KILLED IN THE RUSH . $ 05 THERE ARE ONE OR TWO GREAT - $ 01 SHE EMBRACES ALL LIVING THINGS . $ < ( TO PAM HASTILY . ) > $ EXCEPT FREDDIE . $ SHE NEVER EMBRACES HIM . $ 05 I SAID THERE ARE ONE OR TWO GREAT MORAL COMMANDMENTS AND IN MY VIEW THEY 'RE THE ONLY HOPE WE 'VE GOT AGAINST CHAOS . $ #62 $ LOVE THINE ENEMY . $ THOU SHALT NOT KILL . $ < ( BRI LIGHTS A CIGARETTE . ) > $ D' YOU KNOW HOW THE FINAL SOLUTION OF THE JEWISH PROBLEM BEG AN ? $ IN THE MENTAL HOSPITALS . $ IT 'S ONLY A STEP FROM THERE TO AUSCHWITZ . $ 01 THAT KIND OF THING CERTAINLY GIVES LEGALIZED KILLING A BA D NAME , BUT - WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER FORMS ? $ THE BOMB-AIMER GETS DECORATED BUT ANYONE WHO LETS JOE DIE GE TS TEN YEARS . $ 05 THE CASES ARE DIFFERENT . $ A RATIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE DIFFEREN T CASES . $ 01 SO I 'VE NOTICED . $ 05 PUT IT THIS WAY . $ YOU DON'T AGREE WITH KILLING ? $ 01 < ( SHRUGS ) > $ NO . $ 05 BUT IF A MADMAN BREAKS IN HERE AND TRIES TO RAPE YOUR WIF E , WHAT D' YOU DO ? $ 01 KILL HIM . $ 05 EXACTLY . $ KILLING IS SOMETIMES UNAVOIDABLE . $ 01 THOU SHALT NOT KILL UNLESS IT 'S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY . $ 05 < ( DOUBTFULLY ) > $ YES . $ 01 < ( TO AUDIENCE ) > $ WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON ? $ < ( BRI SMOKES . $ PAUSE . $ THE SINGING HAS CEASED . ) > $ 04 DARLING - IT 'S HALF PAST TEN . $ 05 < ( SUDDENLY ) > $ YOU 'RE LIKE A BLASTED SPEAKING CLOCK . $ ON THE THIRD STROKE - PEEP-PEEP-PEEP . $ < ( WALKS AWAY . ) > $ 04 OH , CHARMING . $ < ( LOOKS AT BOTH MEN , IGNORING HER AND NOW EACH OTHER . $ COMPLETE SEPARATION OF ALL THREE PEOPLE ON THE STAGE . $ PAM COMES TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ IT WASN'T MY IDEA COMING BACK HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE . $ BUT ONCE FREDDIE 'S SET EYES ON A LAME DOG , YOU MIGHT AS WE LL TALK TO THE MOON . $ I KEEP LOOKING AT THAT DOOR AND THINKING SHE 'S GOING TO COM E THROUGH IT ANY MOMENT WITH THAT POOR WEIRDIE . $ I KNOW IT 'S AWFUL BUT IT 'S ONE OF MY - YOU KNOW - THINGS . $ WE 'RE NONE OF US PERFECT ... I CAN'T STAND ANYTHING N.P.A. NON-PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE . $ OLD WOMEN IN BATHING-SUITS - AND SKIN DISEASES - AND CRIPPLE S ... ROWTON HOUSE-LOOKING MEN WHO SPIT AND HAVE HAIR GROWIN G OUT OF THEIR EARS ... $ #63 $ NO GOOD , I JUST CAN'T LOOK AT THEM . $ I KNOW FREDDIE 'S RIGHT ABOUT HITLER AND OF COURSE THAT 'S H ORRID . $ STILL , I CAN'T HELP SYMPATHIZING WITH BRIAN , CAN YOU ? $ I DON'T MEAN THE WAY HE DESCRIBED . $ I THINK IT SHOULD BE DONE BY THE STATE . $ AND SO SHOULD CHARITY . $ THEN WE MIGHT HAVE AN END OF ALL THOSE HIDEOUS DOLLS IN SHOP -DOORWAYS WITH IRONS ON THEIR LEGS . $ ... $ FREDDIE WON'T HEAR OF IT , OF COURSE . $ BUT THEN HE LOVES A LAME DOG . $ EVERY YEAR HE BUYS SO MANY TICKETS FOR THE SPASTIC RAFFLE HE WINS THE TV SET AND EVERY YEAR HE GIVES IT TO AN OLD FOLKS' HOME . $ HE USED TO TRY TAKING ME ALONG ON HIS VISITS BUT I SAID IT W ASN'T ME AT ALL AND HE GAVE UP . $ ONE - PLACE - WE WENT , THERE WERE THESE POOR FREAKS WITH - OH , YOU KNOW - ENORMOUS HEADS AND SO ON - AND YOU JUST FEEL : OH , PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY . $ WELL , THEY WOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED IN NATURE , IT 'S ONLY MO DERN MEDICINE SO MODERN MEDICINE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO AWA Y WITH THEM . $ A COMMITTEE OF DOCTORS AND DO-GOODERS , NATURALLY , TO MAKE SURE THERE 'S NO FUNNY BUSINESS AND THEN - IF I SAY GAS-CHAM BER THAT MAKES IT SOUND HORRID - BUT I DO MEAN PUT TO SLEEP . $ WHEN FREDDIE GETS ALL MEALY-MOUTHED ABOUT IT , I SAY , LOOK , DARLING , IF ONE OF OUR KIDS WAS DYING AND THEY HAD A CURE AND YOU KNEW IT HAD BEEN DISCOVERED IN THE NAZI LABORATORIE S , WOULD YOU REFUSE TO LET THEM USE IT ? $ I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T . $ I LOVE MY OWN IMMEDIATE FAMILY AND THAT 'S THE LOT . $ CAN'T MANAGE ANY MORE . $ I WANT TO GO HOME AND SEE THEM AGAIN . $ THEY MAY NOT BE THE MOST HARD-WORKING , WELL-BEHAVED GENIUSE S ON EARTH , BUT NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND COULD SAY THEY W ERE N.P.A. $ < ( TURNS BACK . ) > $ FREDDIE , I 'M GOING . $ YOU CAN GET A TAXI AND - $ < ( SHEILA , I 'M GOING . $ < ( SHEILA CARRIES JOE IN , IN HER NIGHTDRESS AND DRESSING-G OWN . ) > $ 02 AAAAH ! $ THE CAROLS HAVE STOPPED . $ 01 THEY 'VE STOPPED , YES . $ 05 THIS LITTLE JOSEPHINE ? $ 02 THIS IS JOE . $ SAY HULLO TO UNCLE FREDDIE . $ 05 < ( SHAKES HER HAND ) > $ HULLO , JOE , WHAT DO YOU KNOW ? $ 02 NOT MUCH , I 'M AFRAID . $ 02 AND AUNTIE PAMELA . $ #64 $ 04 SHE 'S GOT - REALLY - A RATHER PRETTY FACE , HASN'T SHE ? $ 02 SHE 'S VERY P.L.U. , WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW HER . $ AREN'T YOU , SWEETHEART ? $ 01 I 'M LOVELY , SHE SAYS . $ 02 BUT STRANGELY PASSIVE TONIGHT . $ YOU DIDN'T FORGET HER MEDICINE ? $ 01 YOU 'D BE STRANGELY PASSIVE , SHE SAYS , IF YOU 'D BEEN F ITTING AND CRYING AND DOING DOOTS . $ 02 BUT HER EYES ARE HARDLY OPEN . $ 01 WHO WANTS TO OPEN THEIR EYES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT , SHE SAYS . $ AND ONE HOUR BEFORE MIDNIGHT 'S WORTH TWO AFTER , SHE SAYS . $ < ( HE EMBRACES THEM BOTH . $ HE AND SHEILA STAND ROCKING JOE . ) > $ 02 YOU MISSED THE CAROL-SINGERS , DARLING . $ WHAT A SHAME . $ 01 CHRISTMAS ALREADY , SHE SAYS . $ SEEMS TO COME ROUND QUICKER EVERY YEAR . $ 02 < ( SINGING ) > $ AWAY IN A MANGER , NO CRIB FOR A BED - $ < ( BRI JOINS HER AND THEY SING TOGETHER , DANCING HER ABOUT THE STAGE . ) > $ THE LITTLE LORD JESUS LAID DOWN HIS HEAD . $ THE STARS IN THE BRIGHT SKY LOOKED DOWN WHERE HE LAY , THE L ITTLE LORD JESUS ASLEEP IN THE HAY . $ THE CATTLE ARE LOWING - $ < ( NEAR THE END OF THE SECOND VERSE BRI HAS TO PREVENT HER PUSHING AWAY . ) > $ 01 OOPS ! $ 02 < ( SEEING AT ONCE ) > $ DOWN HERE ! $ < ( THEY PUT HER IN A CHAIR FACING UPSTAGE . ) > $ 05 WHAT IS IT ? $ 02 A FIT . $ I THOUGHT SHE WAS TOO FAR GONE FOR THAT - $ 05 NOTHING WE CAN DO ? $ 01 < ( TO JOE ) > $ ONE DAY WHEN YOU 'RE DOING THAT THE WIND WILL CHANGE AND YOU 'LL STAY LIKE IT . $ 02 D' YOU THINK SHE NEEDS THE DOCTOR ? $ 01 SHE SHOULD BE IN BED . $ I 'LL TAKE HER UP . $ 02 WHAT GOOD 'S THAT ? $ SHE 'S NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS . $ 01 WHAT GOOD 'S SHE DOING DOWN HERE ? $ #65 $ < ( BELL RINGS , FRONT DOOR . ) > $ THAT 'S THE WAITS . $ I 'LL SAY WE 'RE MUSLIMS . $ 02 GIVE THEM A SHILLING FOR JOE . $ I LOVE THE OLD CUSTOMS , SHE SAYS . $ 05 HERE - $ < ( GIVES BRI MONEY ) > $ - FROM JOE . $ < ( BRI TAKES IT AWKWARDLY AND GOES OFF . ) > $ 04 WE MUST BE OFF . $ 05 I 'D NO IDEA SHE WAS SO - TORPID . $ ONE THINKS OF A MONGOL OR AN ATHETOID OR MONOPLEGIC . $ BUT - WELL - SHE REALLY IS SO HELPLESS . $ 02 SHE 'S WORSE THAN USUAL , AREN'T YOU , BLOSSOM ? $ < ( BRI COMES BACK . ) > $ 01 IT 'S MY MOTHER . $ < ( MAKES FRANTIC AND SPASTIC GESTURES AND FACES SHEILA , WH O SILENTLY APPEALS TO THE CEILING . $ THEY RECOVER AS GRACE FOLLOWS IN . ) > $ 02 HULLO . $ HOW NICE TO SEE YOU ! $ 06 I 'M NOT STOPPING , SHEILA - OH . $ YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU HAD COMPANY . $ 01 MR. AND MRS. UNDERWOOD . $ MY MOTHER . $ 04 WE WERE JUST GOING . $ 05 HOW D' YOU DO ? $ 06 NO , I 'M NOT STOPPING . $ ONLY I 'VE BEEN IN TOWN AND THOUGHT I 'D DROP IN JOSEPHINE'S NEW CARDIE ... $ < ( COMES TO AUDIENCE AND SPEAKS . $ BRI HAS TAKEN HER COAT AND GOES OFF WITH IT TO THE HALL . $ OTHERS LIGHT CIGARETTES , CHAT , ETC. , DURING HER SOLO . $ BRI COMES BACK AND JOINS THEM . ) > $ < ( GRACE IS SIXTY-FIVE , SUBURBAN , FASTIDIOUS . $ WEARS LIGHT-COLOURED SUIT WITH FRILLED DECORATIONS ; GLOVES AND SHOES MATCH HANDBAG . $ VERY SHORT-SIGHTED BUT REFUSES TO WEAR SPECTACLES . $ AS WELL AS HER BAG , SHE BRINGS A HOLD-ALL FULL OF SHOPPING . $ HER MANNER IS GENERALLY BRIGHT BUT GIVES WAY TO SPELLS OF GL OOM WHEN SHE TENDS TO SIGH A LOT . $ IN HER PRESENCE , BRI IS MORE BOYISH AND STRUGGLES TO ESCAPE HER MATERNAL ALLURE . ) > $ 06 NO , WELL I WOULDN'T HAVE DROPPED IN , NOT IN THE ORDINAR Y WAY , ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAD COMPANY , ONLY ON TUESDAY M RS. PARRY AND I MAKE A HABIT OF MEETING FOR THE PICTURES IF THERE 'S ANYTHING NICE . $ WELL , AFTER YOU 'VE BEEN ROUND WITH A DUSTER , THERE 'S NOT HING MUCH TO FILL IN THE AFTERNOONS AND NO ONE WANTS TO SIT ABOUT LIKE A MUTT AND DON'T LAUGH , WILL YOU , BUT THEY REDU CE THE PRICES FOR OLD-AGE PENSIONERS . $ #66 $ I DON'T KNOW WHETHER ANYONE SEES THEMSELF AS AN OLD-AGE PENS IONER - I KNOW I DON'T , BUT WHEN YOU 'RE TRYING TO MANAGE O N SO LITTLE , A FEW SHILLINGS IS A CONSIDERATION . $ NOT THAT MY HUSBAND EVER THOUGHT I 'D BE HARD UP - HE PAID E NOUGH FOR HIS PRIVATE PENSION AND HIS INSURANCE IN CASE SOME THING HAPPENED TO HIM FIRST - BUT THERE , THEY SAY IT 'S THE MIDDLE CLASSES THAT HAVE SUFFERED THE MOST , DON'T THEY , F ROM INFLATION ? $ ANYWAY LAST WEEK MRS. PARRY RANG AND SAID SHE COULDN'T SEE M E TUESDAY - THAT WAS ON THE THURSDAY - OR WAS IT FRIDAY ? $ - AS SHE HAD TO STAY IN FOR A VACUUM . $ I SAID , " BUT SURELY TO GOODNESS A VACUUM CAN COME IN THE M ORNING OR ANY OTHER AFTERNOON , IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE VE RY DAY WE GO OUT . " $ SHE SAID , " MY DEAR , NOWADAYS IF YOU 'RE TOLD TO EXPECT A VACUUM TUESDAY THERE 'S VERY LITTLE YOU CAN SAY TO STOP IT . " $ SO I SAID , " WELL , ALL RIGHT , I 'LL DO SOME LASTMINUTE CH RISTMAS SHOPPING IN THE AFTERNOON AND MEET YOU IN THE ODEON CAFE - WHAT - ABOUT HALF PAST FOUR ? - AND WE CAN SEE JULIE ANDREWS IN THE EVENING . " $ THEN - OVER THE WEEK-END I FINISHED THE CARDIGAN I 'D BEEN K NITTING JOSEPHINE . $ WELL - KNITTING PASSES THE TIME AND IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE SOME DIVERSION , YOU 'D SIT AROUND LIKE A BLOOMING NUN . $ NO COMPANY , NO ONE TO TALK TO OR HAVE A CUP OF TEA WITH . $ < ( SIGHS , WIPES HER NOSE AND DABS THE CORNERS OF HER MOUTH . ) > $ I DON'T ENCOURAGE NEIGHBOURS . $ ONE THING CAN SO EASILY LEAD TO ANOTHER WITH NEIGHBOURS , YO U FIND THEM TAKING ADVANTAGE . $ SO IT IS VERY LONELY , HOUR AFTER HOUR , STUCK LIKE JOE EGG WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO . $ WHY I DO SO MANY CARDIGANS , THE POOR MITE DRIBBLES . $ NOT IN THE WAY A BABY DRIBBLES EVEN , WORSE THAN THAT . $ IT 'S NOT NICE TO TALK ABOUT , I KNOW , BUT SHE CAN'T SEEM T O REGULATE THE FLOW . $ HER GARMENTS , AFTER A FEW HOURS ON , THEY 'RE STIFF WITH SA LIVA . $ < ( DABS CORNERS OF HER MOUTH . ) > $ WHICH MEANS A LOT OF WASHING FOR HER MOTHER AND I 'VE SAID T O SHEILA OFTEN ENOUGH , " SHE SHOULD WEAR A PLASTIC BIB , IT WOULD BE SUCH A SAVING ON WOOL , " BUT OF COURSE YOU CAN'T SAY A LOT , CAN YOU , THAT 'S BEING AN INTERFERING MOTHER-IN -LAW . $ I DO BELIEVE IF I SAID , " SHEILA , WHATEVER YOU DO , DON'T DRESS HER IN PLASTIC BIBS , " THAT POOR MITE WOULD BE STUCK IN A PLASTIC BIB MORNING , NOON AND NIGHT LIKE A BLOOMING NU N . $ < ( MOVES BACK TO THE OTHERS . ) > $ AND WHEN WE CAME OUT OF THE ODEON , I THOUGHT I 'LL GO SO FA R ON MRS. PARRY'S BUS AND DROP IN WITH MY GRAND-DAUGHTER'S C ARDIGAN AND P'RAPS IF BRIAN 'S NOT TOO BUSY HE COULD RUN ME HOME . $ 01 YES , RIGHT . $ 06 SO I 'M NOT STOPPING . $ < ( SITS BY JOE . ) > $ AND HOW 'S NANA'S FAVOURITE GIRL TONIGHT ? $ LOOK WHAT NANA 'S BROUGHT HER . $ I 'M FAST ASLEEP , SHE SAYS . $ 02 SHE 'S POORLY , VERY POORLY . $ 06 HAVING FORTY WINKS , SHE SAYS . $ 01 SHE 'S ALL RIGHT . $ 06 AN HOUR BEFORE MIDNIGHT 'S WORTH TWO AFTER . $ 01 THAT 'S WHAT THEY SAY . $ 06 LET 'S SEE HOW IT FITS , SHALL WE ? $ < ( WHILE SPEAKING , HOLDS CARDIGAN AGAINST JOE . ) > $ WOULDN'T SHE BE LOVELY IF SHE WAS RUNNING ABOUT ? $ 05 A BEAUTIFUL CHILD . $ 06 FIRST TIME YOU 'VE SEEN HER ? $ 02 WHY I BROUGHT HER DOWN . $ 06 D' YOU THINK THE SLEEVES ARE SHORT , SHEILA ? $ 02 HER ARMS ARE SO BENT . $ 06 YOU MUST ALLOW FOR THAT , YES . $ 02 YES . $ 06 I FANCY - A HALF-INCH LONGER . $ 02 WOULD YOU BOTHER ? $ 06 NOT BOTHER . $ GOT TO DO WHAT LITTLE WE CAN , HAVEN'T WE ? $ 05 YES , EXACTLY . $ 06 < ( STILL TRYING CARDIE ) > $ YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SHOPS THIS AFTERNOON . $ I SAID TO THE LADY IN SCOTCH WOOL AND HOSIERY , " YOU 'LL BE GLAD WHEN CHRISTMAS IS OVER ? " $ 01 WHAT DID SHE SAY TO THAT ? $ 06 SHE SAID , " I CERTAINLY SHALL . " $ < ( BRI SHAKES HIS HEAD SLOWLY IN AMAZEMENT . ) > $ BUT APART FROM THE RUSH , I SAID TO MRS. PARRY , IT DOES LOO K NICE - THE DECORATIONS AND THE TOYS AND BIRDS AND TOILET S ETS . $ #68 $ 01 SEE JESUS ? $ 06 PARDON ? $ 01 DID YOU SEE JESUS ? $ 06 < ( CAUTIOUS , NOT LOOKING AT HIM ) > $ WELL , IF I DID I DIDN'T NOTICE . $ 01 ON THE ELECTRICITY BUILDING . $ 06 < ( TUT-TUTTING ) > $ THEY 'LL DRAG RELIGION INTO ANYTHING . $ < ( PAUSE . $ LOOKING AT CARDIE . ) > $ COLOUR 'S NICE , ISN'T IT ? $ I THINK THAT SORT OF THING SPOILS CHRISTMAS . $ 01 JESUS ? $ 06 < ( MAKING HERSELF CLEAR ) > $ I THINK IT 'S A TIME FOR CHILDREN . $ BRIAN , D' YOU REMEMBER THE VERY FIRST YEAR I TOOK YOU TO SE E FATHER CHRISTMAS ? $ 01 UM - $ 06 I SHALL NEVER FORGET IT . $ HE TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND SAID , " MUMMY , I DON'T LIKE TH AT FUNNY MAN . " $ < ( FREDDIE LAUGHS POLITELY . $ BRI MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD . ) > $ BUT YOU LOVED THE TOY DEPARTMENT . $ YOU USED TO SAY , " OH , MUMMY , I WANT IT ALL , CAN I HAVE IT , MUMMY , ALL TO MYSELF ? " $ < ( SHEILA LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY . ) > $ 01 WE TOOK JOE TO FATHER CHRISTMAS . $ HE STANK OF METHS AND HE WAS HANDING OUT FOAM-RUBBER PANDAS AND GOOSING THE LITTLE GIRLS - $ 05 WHY DO YOU SAY THESE THINGS ? $ 01 IT 'S TRUE ! $ 05 IT IS NOT TRUE . $ THEY 'RE VETTED . $ 01 WE 'VE GOT ONE ! $ IT STAYS IN ANY POSITION . $$ 05 NOT THE PANDAS . $ THE - OTHER - $ 01 THAT WAS TRUE . $ SOON AS JOE SAT ON HIS LAP , SHE HAD A FIT . $ THAT STOPPED HIM . $ 06 < ( SHE SCRATCHES , TO SHEILA ) > $ D' YOU KNOW , I BELIEVE I 'VE ACQUIRED A LITTLE VISITOR ? $ NOT WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM THE ODEON . $ 01 YOU GOT IT HERE . $ OFF OUR CAT . $ WE 'RE INFESTED WITH THEM . $ 06 ARE YOU REALLY , SHEILA ? $ FLEAS IS SOMETHING I DON'T BELIEVE WE 'VE EVER HAD . $ CAN YOU REMEMBER , BRIAN ? $ 01 AN OCCASIONAL WOOD-LOUSE . $ 06 NOT THE SAME AS FLEAS . $ < ( SHE MOVES ABOUT NERVOUSLY . ) > $ 02 IT 'S BEATRICE WEBB . $ WE KEEP HER OUTSIDE NOW . $ #69 $ 06 I SHOULD . $ I KNOW YOU 'RE VERY FOND OF ANIMALS , SHEILA , BUT SURELY IT 'S AN INTEREST YOU MUST KEEP IN PROPORTION . $ 02 IT 'S THE FIRST TIME WE 'VE EVER HAD THEM . $ 06 THEY SAY THERE 'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING , DON'T THE Y ? $ < ( SITS BY JOE AGAIN . ) > $ DON'T THEY , LOVELIEST GIRL IN ALL THE WIDE WIDE WORLD . $ 02 LOOK ! $ ANOTHER FIT . $ < ( GRACE STANDS AND MOVES BACKWARDS . ) > $ 06 BLESS HER HEART ! $ < ( SHEILA EXAMINES JOE . ) > $ 02 SHE 'S WORSE . $ LOOK AT THIS . $ 01 SHE 'S SLEEPING IT OFF . $ < ( AND TO GRACE . ) > $ THEY LEFT OFF HER MEDICINE AT THE CENTRE AND NOW - $ 02 HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ? $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 SLEEPING IT OFF . $ 06 I SHOULD HAVE IT DESTROYED . $ 02 ANOTHER DOSE OF MEDICINE . $ < ( GOES TO KITCHEN . ) > $ 06 IF IT WAS ME . $ 01 WHAT , MUM ? $ 06 I SHOULD HAVE WHATEVER-YOU-CALL-HER PUT TO SLEEP . $ < ( BRI LOOKS AT HER , HAVING ONLY HEARD THIS . ) > $ 05 THE CAT . $ 01 OH . $ 06 FLEAS BRING DISEASE . $ < ( BRI SITS BY JOE AND EXAMINES HER INTENTLY , LOOKING TO K ITCHEN ANXIOUSLY . ) > $ 04 IN MY DAUGHTER'S PRIMARY SCHOOL , THEY HAD A PLAGUE OF BU GS BROUGHT IN BY SOME POOR COUNCIL-HOUSE KIDDIES - $ 05 HOW D' YOU KNOW IT WAS THEM ? $ 04 < ( FRIGHTENED OF HIS ANGER ) > $ 'TWASN'T THE KIDDIES' FAULT . $ 06 I BLAME THE PARENTS . $ 04 EMMA GOT THE MOST HIDEOUS RASH . $ 06 SOME CHILDREN ARE MORE SUSCEPTIBLE , MORE SENSITIVE . $ BRIAN ALWAYS HAD A DELICATE SKIN . $ 01 ALL RIGHT , MUM . $ 06 LOOK AT HIS IMPETIGO . $ < ( SHEILA COMES FROM KITCHEN WITH EMPTY BOTTLE . ) > $ #70 $ 02 I CAN ONLY FIND THIS EMPTY ONE . $ WHERE 'S IT ALL GONE ? $ 01 OH YEAH ! $ SHE SPILT IT . $ JOE . $ KNOCKED IT OVER . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ HAVING A FIT . $ I HAD TO SAVE HER FIRST . $ 02 BUT IT 'S LIKE TREACLE . $ HOW DID IT GET POURED OUT ? $ 01 WELL , IT DID . $ 02 IT 'S BEEN WASHED CLEAN . $ 01 I SAVED ENOUGH TO GIVE HER A DOSE , THEN WASHED IT OUT . $ < ( PAUSE . $ SHE PUTS BOTTLE DOWN . ) > $ 02 YOU MUST GET SOME MORE . $ 01 SHE 'S HAD ENOUGH SEDATION FOR ONE NIGHT . $ < ( THEY ALL LOOK AT HER . ) > $ I 'M TURNED ON , SHE SAYS . $ 02 SHE 'S HAVING FITS . $ 01 NOT BAD ONES . $ 02 THEY WEAKEN HER . $ SHE NEEDS THE ANTI-CONVULSANT . $ 01 BUT WHAT TIME IS IT ? $ 04 TWENTY TO ELEVEN . $ 01 THERE YOU ARE ! $ 06 BOOTS IS OPEN . $ ON THE CENTRE . $ 05 SHALL I GO ? $ 01 NO , I 'LL MANAGE . $ 02 HERE 'S THE PRESCRIPTION . $ 06 I SHOULD WRAP UP WARM , BRIAN . $ PUT A SCARF ON . $ < ( SHE SPEAKS TO PAM , WITH WHOM SHE SENSES AN AFFINITY . > $ HE 'S ALWAYS BEEN A MARTYR TO COLDS . $ I 'VE KNOWN HIM COME IN CRYING WITH HIS POOR LITTLE FINGERS ALL YELLOW AND ALL THE OTHER BOYS STILL OUT RUNNING ABOUT AN D I 'VE HAD TO RUB THEM AND GET HIM A WARM DRINK AND SIT HIM BY THE FIRE TILL HE WAS OVER IT .. $ < ( BRI LISTENS TO THIS , THEN SMILES AT THEM ALL AND GOES . ) > $ 02 < ( HOLDING JOE'S HAND ) > $ WHAT 'S FUNNY DADDY BEEN UP TO , EH , MY ROSE ? $ < ( PAUSE . $ FREDDIE'S ATTENTION DRAWN . ) > $ 05 YOU THINK HE 'S UP TO SOMETHING ? $ 02 THAT MEDICINE 'S TICK . $ YOU COULDN'T SPILL MUCH . $ THE BOTTLE WAS FULL , I DON'T KNOW . $ HE TOLD US HE 'D KILLED HER . $ 05 THAT WASN'T TRUE , SO WE NEEDN'T - $ 06 TOLD YOU WHAT ? $ #71 $ HE 'D KILLED HER . $ YES . $ 06 OH , NO . $ 05 IT WAS AN ADOLESCENT JOKE . $ 06 HIS JOKES , I NEVER LISTEN . $ 05 SHOWING OFF TO GET ATTENTION . $ 06 IT IS SHOWING OFF . $ 02 LIKE A BABY . $ BY SAYING THAT HE COULD TAKE MY ATTENTION OFF POOR JOE AND G ET IT ON HIMSELF AGAIN . $ AND WHEN THAT PALLED , HE 'D MAKE UP ANOTHER - WITH HIMSELF AS THE KILLER OR THE CORPSE OR - ANYTHING - AS LONG AS IT 'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART . $ 06 I CAN'T IMAGINE BRIAN DOING THAT WITHOUT PROVOCATION . $ 05 OH , NO . $ THE OTHER JOKE WE 'VE HAD THIS EVENING WAS THAT SHEILA AND I ARE HAVING A LOVE AFFAIR . $ AND FOR THAT , I ASSURE YOU , WE NEITHER OF US GAVE HIM THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION . $ 06 PERHAPS NOT YOU . $ I COULDN'T SAY . $ 02 HULLO ? $ 06 BUT I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF BRIAN THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHI NG - GOING ON - $ 05 WHY ? $ 06 PERHAPS - KNOWING WHAT HE DID - HE WAS APT TO BE OVER-SUS PICIOUS - $ 02 KNOWING WHAT HE - $ 06 PROBABLY EXPECTED IT . $ < ( TO PAM . ) > $ I MEAN ALWAYS . $ HALF EXPECTED IT . $ 02 WHAT D' YOU MEAN . $ 06 NO . $ NOTHING . $ 02 COME ON . $ 05 FRANKLY I RESENT THE - $ 06 I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT , NO - $ 02 WHY SHOULD HE HAVE EXPECTED IT ? $ 06 DON'T YOU KNOW ? $ 02 NO . $ 06 I THINK YOU DO , SHEILA . $ BRIAN KNEW ALL ABOUT YOUR PAST LIFE EVEN BEFORE HE MARRIED Y OU . $ 02 OF COURSE HE DID . $ I TOLD HIM . $ 06 YES . $ 02 HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT ? $ #72 $ 06 HE TOLD ME . $ 02 AH ! $ 05 LORD ABOVE ! $ 04 THIS IS HORRID ! $ 05 HAVE YOU HEARD THE CAR START ? $ 02 I 'D LOVE TO HAVE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID WHEN HE TOLD YOU . $ 04 I HAVEN'T , NO . $ 06 I 'LL TELL YOU . $ 05 I 'LL GO AND SEE . $ 06 I SAID , " YOU MUST MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND , BRIAN . " $ 05 < ( TO SHEILA ) > $ GOING TO HELP BRIAN . $ < ( EXIT TO FRONT DOOR . ) > $ 02 BET YOU HAD A SHOCK WHEN HE DID . $ 06 MEANING WHAT EXACTLY ? $ 02 MEANING YOU ALWAYS MADE HIS MIND UP FOR HIM . $ 06 < ( TO PAM ) > $ THIS IS NICE . $ 02 YOU SPOILT HIM . $ 06 I MUST SAY ! $ 02 WRECKED HIM . $ 06 THANK YOU . $ < ( SILENCE . $ BOTH WOMEN MOMENTARILY SPENT . $ THEY MOVE ABOUT . ) > $ 02 WHERE 'S FREDDIE ? $ 04 THE CAR HADN'T STARTED . $ HE 'S GONE TO HELP . $ 02 NOT STARTED - $ < ( MAKES TO GO OUT BUT BRI AND FREDDIE COME IN . ) > $ 01 CAN'T GET IT STARTED . $ 05 HAVE YOU TRIED , I WONDER ? $ YOU WERE SITTING IN IT DOING NOTHING WHEN I - $ 04 LET ME GO . $ IN MY CAR . $ 02 WOULD YOU ? $ 04 I SHOULD HAVE GONE BEFORE . $ < ( ASIDE . ) > $ ANYTHING TO GET AWAY . $ 01 SHALL I COME - SHOW YOU A SHORT CUT . $ 04 NO NEED . $ < ( SHE IS GOING . ) > $ 05 GOT THE CHITTY ? $ 04 WHAT ? $ 05 < ( TO BRI ) > $ GIVE HER THE PRESCRIPTION . $ < ( BRI FINDS IT , GIVES IT TO HER , DROPPING IT , PICKING I T UP , ETC. ) > $ 02 IT 'S YELLOW , LOOKS LIKE CUSTARD . $ #73 $ < ( PAM GOES . ) > $ 01 TWENTY-FIVE QUID THAT CAR COST ME AND AFTER ONLY THREE YE ARS LOOK AT IT ! $ 06 YOU WERE NEVER VERY CLEVER WITH YOUR HANDS . $ YOU TOOK AFTER YOUR FATHER THERE . $ < ( TO FREDDIE . ) > $ POOR OLD THING USED TO SPEND HOURS ON END BEHIND THE RADIOGR AM AND IN THE END WE 'D HAVE TO CALL THE PROPER MAN . $ 02 < ( SUDDENLY , VEHEMENTLY , TO BRI ) > $ GREAT SPOILT BABY ! $ CODDLED BABY ! $ 05 NOW , SHEILA , THERE 'S NO USE - $ 02 < ( TO FREDDIE ) > $ THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS TO GET WHAT HE WANTS IS SCREAMING AND STAMPING HIS FEET , BUT THAT 'S A BIT GROTESQUE AT HIS AGE , SO HE STRAIGHTAWAY SAYS POOR ME , BUT NOBODY LISTENS SO HE MAKES SOME JOKES AND EVERYBODY LAUGHS , WHICH IS BETTER THAN NOTHING , SO HE MAKES MORE AND MORE JOKES AND WHEN EVERYONE ELSE HAS GONE I GET THE " POOR ME " , I HAVE TO SWALLOW THA T . $ < ( TURNS ON GRACE . ) > $ BECAUSE YOU SPOILT HIM . $ 05 NOW , SHEILA , WE 'VE HAD OUR - $ 06 I KEPT THE HOUSE FREE OF FLEAS , I ADMIT THAT . $ I SPRING-CLEANED EVERY YEAR INSTEAD OF ONCE IN FIVE . $ CERTAINLY WHEN HE WAS A TINY MITE I USED TO PRESS HIS EARS B ACK FOR FEAR THEY 'D PROTRUDE . $ I BOILED A KETTLE IN HIS ROOM FOR CROUP . $ MADE A MUSTARD BATH FOR THE COLD AND KEPT OUT THE WIND . $ I BELIEVE IN AN INSULATED HOUSE . $ < ( TO BRI . ) > $ IT 'S STILL INSULATED , BRIAN , IT 'S STILL HOME . $ YOU 'RE WELCOME , I 'VE TOLD YOU THAT . $ 'SPECIALLY SINCE I WAS LEFT ALONE . $ NOT SO MUCH A HOME THESE DAYS AS A BLOOMING NUNNERY . $ I 'M STUCK UP THERE DAY AFTER DAY LIKE A BLOOMING NUN . $ 02 < ( TO FREDDIE ) > $ THERE YOU ARE . $ " POOR ME ! " $ 05 SSSH ! $ 06 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $ 02 YOUR SELF-PITY . $ JUST LIKE HIM . $ POOR ME ! $ 06 WAIT TILL YOU 'RE ALONE . $ 02 WHY DON'T YOU MOVE IN WITH YOUR FRIEND ? $ 06 MRS. PARRY ? $ 02 YES . $ WHY NOT ? $ THERE YOU SIT IN YOUR PERFECTLY INSULATED HOUSES EACH WITH Y OUR OWN TV AND STOVE AND LAWN-MOWER AND EMPTY GARAGE , EACH COMPLAINING CONTINUALLY ABOUT BEING A BLOOMING NUN . $ WHAT 'S STOPPING YOU ? $ #74 $ 06 YOU WANT YOUR PRIVACY . $ 02 DO YOU ? $ I DON'T . $ I HATE IT . $ 06 WOULDN'T DO IF WE WERE ALL ALIKE . $ 02 < ( SUDDENLY TO FREDDIE ) > $ YOU SEE THEIR SELFISHNESS ! $ WE 'RE TALKING ABOUT THEM AGAIN , D' YOU NOTICE ? $ HERE 'S JOE - I THINK SHE 'S SERIOUSLY ILL - AND - WHAT ARE WE DOING ? $ < ( NOTICING JOE AGAIN , SHE STOPS , GOES DOWN BY HER , LOOK S AT HER CLOSELY . ) > $ 06 HAS THE POOR MITE EVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT SERIOUSLY ILL ? $ 02 WE MUST CALL THE DOCTOR . $ SHE 'S WHITE AS CHALK BUT HER LIPS ARE BLUE . $ STRAINING THE HEART , YOU SEE . $ 01 I 'LL TAKE HER BACK TO BED , LET HER SLEEP IT OFF . $ 02 HER CHEST IS HARDLY MOVING . $ 01 A TOUCH OF FLATULENCE , SHE SAYS . $ 02 NO . $ 01 HEARTBURN . $ < ( SHEILA STARES AT HIM . $ HE GOES TO PICK UP JOE . ) > $ 02 LEAVE HER ! $ < ( BRI LEAVES HER . ) > $ 06 SHE OUGHT TO BE IN HOSPITAL . $ 02 I 'LL GO IF NOBODY ELSE WILL . $ 06 OUGHT TO HAVE GONE IN YEARS AGO . $ 02 BUT DON'T LET BRIAN TOUCH HER . $ 06 THEN THE MARRIAGE WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE . $ < ( SHEILA REFUSES TO RISE , MAKES TO GO TO DOOR . ) > $ YOU CAN'T EXPECT A MAN TO TAKE SECOND PLACE TO A CHILD LIKE THAT . $ 05 NOW , NOW . $ 06 IT 'S NOT HIS FAULT SHE 'S SPASTIC ! $ 02 WHAT WAS THAT ? $ NOT HIS FAULT ? $ WHOSE THEN ? $ 06 NO ONE'S . $ 02 COME ON . $ 06 I DIDN'T MEAN THAT . $ NOT YOUR FAULT EITHER . $ YOU CAN'T HELP THE FAMILY YOU WERE BORN INTO . $ WHEN IT 'S CONGENITAL IT 'S NOT YOUR FAULT , NO - $ 02 < ( TO FREDDIE ) > $ WHAT 'S SHE TALKING ABOUT ? $ 06 FITS I 'M TALKING ABOUT . $ #75 $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ 02 WHAT ? $ 06 YOUR UNCLE'S FITS . $ 02 UNCLE'S FITS - WHICH UNCLE ? $ 06 WHICH ONE WAS IT , BRIAN ? $ 02 YOU TOLD HER MY UNCLE HAD FITS ? $ 01 OH , MUM ! $ 06 YOU DID . $ 01 < ( TO SHEILA ) > $ YOUR COUSIN GEOFF . $ 02 INFANT CONVULSIONS . $ WHAT BABY DOESN'T HAVE INFANT CONVULSIONS ? $ 06 WELL , NONE OF THE BABIES IN OUR FAMILY , FOR A START ! $ 02 I TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED , DEAR . $ < ( TO BRI . ) > $ WHAT MADE YOU MENTION COUSIN GEOFF TO HER LIKE THAT ? $ YOU KNOW SHE 'D - $ 01 < ( NODDING , PACIFYING ) > $ SHE 'D JUST BEEN TELLING ME ABOUT THE EPILEPSY IN OUR FAMILY . $ 06 I BEG YOUR PARDON ? $ 01 AND I FELT I HAD TO CONSOLE HER BY MENTIONING SOMEONE ON YOUR SIDE . $ YOU PICK YOUR TIME TO THROW IT BACK , DON'T YOU ? $ 06 EPILEPSY IN OUR FAMILY ? $ WHERE D' YOU GET THAT ? $ 01 FROM YOU ! $ UNCLE NEVILLE . $ 06 UNCLE NEVILLE ! $ OH ! $ < ( LAUGHS . ) > $ 01 YES , UNCLE NEVILLE . $ 06 HE WASN'T FAMILY . $ HE HAPPENED TO MARRY AUNTIE MAY , THAT 'S ALL . $ 01 SO OUR FAMILY 'S ONLY EPILEPTIC BY MARIAGE ! $ 06 < ( AGREEING READILY ) > $ OF COURSE ! $ BUT I WILL SAY THIS FOR MAY . $ SHE DIDN'T HAVE CHILDREN . $ MRS. PARRY SAID TO ME , " I THINK IF YOU KNOW THERE 'S A TAI NT IN THE FAMILY YOU SHOULD REFRAIN FROM CHILDREN . " $ 02 SHE 'D WELCOME ANY EXCUSE - THAT WALKING SHEATH . $ 06 PLEASE DON'T USE LANGUAGE TO ME . $ BRIAN , YOU STAND ABOUT LIKE A MUTT WHILE SHE PICKS ON YOUR MOTHER IN COMPANY . $ 01 NOT YOU , MUM - MRS. PARRY . $ 06 MY BEST FRIEND . $ 01 YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO DEFEND MRS. PARRY . $ < ( MAD DOCTOR ) > $ NURSE , NURSE , WE 'VE DONE IT , I TELL YOU ! $ WITH THIS WE CAN MAKE WHOLE CONTINENTS BARREN . $ THE DETERRENT THEY 'VE ALL BEEN WORKING FOR - MRS. PARRY ! $ #76 $ < ( MAD LAUGH . ) > $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 06 I THOUGHT YOU WERE SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT . $ 01 COME ON . $ I 'LL TAKE YOU HOME . $ 06 < ( STARTLED ) > $ WHAT ? $ BACK TO THE NUNNERY . $ 01 THAT 'S RIGHT , YES . $ 06 THANK YOU . $ THAT 'S GRATITUDE . $ < ( SHE IS TEARFUL NOW THAT HE SHOWS WHICH SIDE HE 'S ON . ) > $ 05 THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T START THE CAR . $ 01 NO , BUT IF I CRANK IT - $ 05 YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T CRANK IT BEFORE - $ < ( FREDDIE AND SHEILA LOOK AT EACH OTHER . ) > $ 06 I HAD A TARTAN GRIP . $ 02 WHAT ABOUT JOE ? $ YOU LEAVING FREDDIE ALONE WITH HER ? $ 01 WHY ? $ YOU GOING SOMEWHERE ? $ 02 TO PHONE THE DOCTOR . $ 01 I 'LL DO THAT WHEN I GET BACK . $ IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BOTHER HIM . $ 02 NO , WE 'LL DO IT NOW . $ SHE 'S UNCONSCIOUS . $ 01 I 'LL ONLY BE TWENTY MINUTES . $ 02 HALF AN HOUR , IF WE 'RE LUCKY . $ SHE 'LL MAKE TEA . $ 01 I SHAN'T STOP FOR TEA . $ 06 I 'VE GOT SOME GARIBALDIS , I KNOW YOU - $ 01 RIGHT , I 'LL RING FROM THERE . $ < ( TO GRACE . ) > $ CAN I DO THAT ? $ 06 HAVE I EVER SAID NO TO YOU ? $ 01 < ( TO SHEILA ) > $ ALL RIGHT ? $ 02 NO . $ DO IT NOW . $ 05 I 'LL DO IT . $ 01 EH ? $ 05 WHILE YOU 'RE TAKING YOUR MOTHER HOME . $ FROM A LOCAL PHONE-BOX . $ 02 WOULD YOU , FREDDIE ? $ 05 SURE ! $ 01 YOU INTERFERING BASTARD ! $ 05 I 'M TRYING TO HELP YOU - $ 01 HELP ? $ YOU 'RE A PAIN IN THE ARSE . $ 06 < ( ASIDE ) > $ I HATE A PLAY WITH LANGUAGE . $ 02 HAVE YOU GOT A THREEPENNY-PIECE ? $ < ( FREDDIE SEARCHES IN HIS POCKETS FOR MONEY WHILE THEY TAL K . ) > $ #77 $ 06 I MIGHT HAVE ONE IN MY BAG . $ < ( SHE SEARCHES TOO . ) > $ 05 WHAT YOU 'RE SUGGESTING IS NO WAY OUT . $ 01 THERE 'S NO OTHER POSSIBLE WAY - $ 05 ONCE START THAT - WE 'LL HAVE ANARCHY . $ 01 THAT 'D BE SOMETHING . $ 05 DON'T BE CHILDISH , YOU MUST HAVE ORDER . $ " THOU SHALT NOT KILL . " $ 01 EXCEPT WHEN IT SHALL COME TO PASS THAT THY TRADE-ROUTES S HALL BE ENDANGERED . $ 06 I COULD HAVE SWORN I HAD A THREEPENNY-PIECE . $ 01 THEN SHALT THOU SLAY AS MANY AS POSSIBLE OF THE ENEMIES O F GENERAL MOTORS AND I.C.I. $ 02 HOW ABOUT YOU , FREDDIE ? $ 05 NOTHING BUT HALF-CROWNS AND PENNIES . $ 02 MY BAG 'S UPSTAIRS . $ 05 SUPPOSE EUTHANASIA WAS LEGALIZED AND YOUR DAUGHTER LET DI E . $ THEN TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW A CURE IS FOUND . $ 02 ANY LUCK ? $ 06 PENNIES AND SHILLINGS . $ WHAT 'S THIS - I CAN'T SEE . $ 02 A MILK CHECK . $ 05 JUST IMAGINE . $ 01 YOU MEAN HER BRAIN STARTS WORKING ? $ 02 GIVE ME A SHILLING . $ 01 A SIX-WEEKS-OLD BRAIN IN A THIRTY-YEARS-OLD BODY . $ 02 NO , THAT 'S A HALFPENNY . $ 06 THIS LIGHT 'S SO DIM . $ AND THESE NASTY CREATURES ITCHING . $ 05 NO , SOME KIND OF GRAFTING . $ 01 AN ADULT BRAIN ? $ 05 I DON'T KNOW . $ YES ! $ 02 BRIAN , HAVE YOU GOT A THREEPENNY-PIECE ? $ < ( BRI STARTS LOOKING . ) > $ 01 SAY , THE BRAIN OF A WOMAN WHO DIED AT THIRTY ? $ HERE 'S ONE . $ < ( SHEILA TAKES IT . ) > $ WHOSE SOUL WILL SHE HAVE ? $ 02 HERE , FREDDIE . $ < ( GIVES HIM COIN . ) > $ 01 I THINK THAT QUESTION SHOULD GO TO OUR POPULAR TV MINI-BI SHOP . $ #78 $ YOUR GRACE - HEY - JUST A MINUTE ! $ < ( GRABS BACK COIN . $ THEY STRUGGLE . ) > $ 05 WHAT ARE WE DOING ? $ I 'LL DIAL EMERGENCY . $ THE HOSPITAL . $ 02 YES , THE AMBULANCE ! $ SAY IT 'S URGENT . $ I 'LL SHOW YOU THE BOX . $ 06 PUT A COAT ON , THOUGH . $ IT 'S BITTER . $ < ( BUT THEY 'VE GONE . ) > $ AND YOU WRAP YOURSELF UP PROPERLY TOO , BRIAN , IF YOU 'RE R UNNING ME HOME . $ < ( SHE TAKES FROM HER HANDBAG COSMETIC ARTICLES AND SPENDS THE NEXT FEW MINUTES DOING HER FACE , HARDLY AWARE OF WHAT I S HAPPENING BEHIND HER . ) > $ GOING OUT OF THE WARM ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS IS THE BEST WAY I F YOU WANT TO CATCH COLD . $ WE CAME OUT OF THE ODEON AND IT WAS CUTTING DOWN UNION STREE T LIKE A KNIFE . $ < ( BRI , HARDLY LISTENING , GOES TO JOE AND LISTENS FOR HER HEART , FEELS HER PULSE . ) > $ I SAID TO MRS. PARRY , " OH , MY LORD , WHAT A NIGHT ! " $ SHE SAID THEY SAID WE WERE IN FOR SOMETHING OF THE SORT POSS IBLY LASTING INTO FEBRUARY . $ I SAID , " IT 'S A SHAME FOR THE OLD PEOPLE " AND SHE SAID , " GRACE , I HATE TO REMIND YOU BUT WE 'RE THE OLD PEOPLE NO W . " $ I SAID , " WELL , IF I 'VE GOT TO STAND ABOUT WAITING FOR BU SES IN THIS , I SHALL CATCH MY DEATH . " $ < ( BRI LOOKS UP . $ GRACE GOES ON MAKING UP . $ BRI LOOKS AT JOE , THEN TOWARDS FRONT DOOR . $ HE LIFTS THE CHILD AND THROWS HER OVER ONE SHOULDER . $ HE GOES OUT THE KITCHEN DOOR WITH HER , CLOSING IT BEHIND HI M . ) > $ I SAID , " I MAY BE OLD BUT I 'M NOT QUITE READY TO GO YET . " $ SO IF YOU 'RE RUNNING ME , I SHOULD PUT ON SOMETHING WARM BE CAUSE IT 'S NOT SO MUCH THE COLD AS THE CONTRAST . $ < ( LOOKS ROUND , SEES HE HAS GONE , CONTINUES TO AUDIENCE . ) > $ TALKING TO MYSELF . $ NO , BUT IT 'S AN OLD CAR WITH NO HEATER AND DRAUGHTS FROM A LL DIRECTIONS AND HE 'S ALWAYS BEEN SUSCEPTIBLE TO COLD . $ < ( SHEILA COMES BACK FROM FRONT DOOR INTO ROOM . ) > $ WELL , IF IT 'S IN YOUR NATURE , I SAY IT 'S NOTHING TO BE A SHAMED OF . $ 02 WHERE 'S JOE ? $ #79 $ 06 PARDON ? $ 02 JOE 'S GONE . $ 06 HOW CAN SHE HAVE GONE ? $ < ( SEES SHE HAS . ) > $ 02 HE 'S TAKEN HER . $ WHERE ? $ 06 HE DIDN'T SAY . $ < ( DURING THIS , BRI CARRIES JOE ACROSS BEHIND SHEILA FROM BACK DOOR OF HOUSE TO FRONT DOOR . ) > $ 02 < ( ANGRY ) > $ DIDN'T YOU SEE HIM GO ? $ 06 ONE MINUTE I WAS TALKING TO HIM , NEXT I WAS TALKING TO M YSELF . $ < ( SHEILA TURNS AND GOES TO BOTTOM OF STAIRS , CALLS . ) > $ 02 BRI ! $ < ( SHE RUNS OFF UPSTAIRS . ) > $ 06 I EXPECT HE 'S PUT HER TO BED , POOR MITE . $ SHE SHOULDN'T BE SITTING UP HERE ALL HOURS , I THOUGHT THAT WHEN I CAME IN . $ < ( TALKS TO AUDIENCE AGAIN . ) > $ BRIAN'S DAD USED TO SAY - WHEN HE WAS GETTING ON - " GRACE , I 'VE HAD MY LIFE , IF ONLY I COULD GIVE HER WHAT 'S LEFT T O ME , I WOULD . " $ I BELIEVE HE MEANT IT TOO . $ THOUGH , OF COURSE , AS IT TURNED OUT , THERE WASN'T MUCH LE FT TO HIM BECAUSE HE DIED THE FOLLOWING YEAR . $ < ( HEAR SHEILA CALL BRI UPSTAIRS , AS BRI ENTERS FROM FRONT DOOR . ) > $ 01 YOU READY , MUM ? $ 06 WHAT ? $ 01 READY TO GO , ARE YOU ? $ 06 I 'M GETTING READY . $ 01 PUT YOUR COAT ON THEN . $ 06 AREN'T YOU GOING TO PUT ONE ON ? $ 01 NO TIME . $ I 'LL TRY AND GET THE ENGINE STARTED . $ 06 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ENGINE 'S LIKE . $ GET THAT STARTED FIRST . $ < ( SHEILA COMES DOWNSTAIRS . $ GRACE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS AND ASKS : ) > $ WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JOSEPHINE ? $ 02 BRI ! $ < ( BRI RUNS OFF TO KITCHEN , CLOSING DOOR . $ SHEILA COMES INTO ROOM . ) > $ 02 HE 'S NOT UP THERE . $ NOT ANYWHERE . $ HE MUST HAVE GONE OUTSIDE . $ #80 $ 06 HE 'S JUST BEEN HERE . $ 02 WITH JOE ? $ 06 NO . $ 02 WHERE 'S HE GONE ? $ 06 OUT THERE . $ 02 THE GARDEN ? - $ < ( SHEILA GOES OUT TO KITCHEN , LEAVING DOOR . ) > $ 06 OH , MIND THE CATS . $ < ( SHUTS KITCHEN DOOR AND SCRATCHES . $ BRI ENTERS AT MAIN DOOR WITH GRACE'S OVERCOAT . ) > $ 01 READY , MUM ? $ 06 WHAT ON EARTH 'S THE RUSH ? $ HAVE YOU GOT THE CAR RUNNING ? $ 01 LET 'S GET INSIDE FIRST . $ I CAN PUSH IT IF IT WON'T GO . $ 06 MIND YOU DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF . $ 01 PUT YOUR COAT ON . $ 06 SHEILA 'S JUST GONE OFF TO THE GARDEN AFTER YOU . $ 01 GET A MOVE ON . $ 06 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BABY ? $ 01 ME ? $ NOTHING . $ HASN'T SHEILA GOT HER ? $ 06 SHEILA 'S LOOKING FOR HER . $ < ( HE HAS NOW GOT GRACE'S COAT ON . ) > $ 06 I 'VE GOT TO TALK TO SHEILA ABOUT THE CARDIGAN . $ 01 NOT NOW , MUM . $ < ( HE COLLECTS HER STUFF AND IS ABOUT TO GO . ) > $ COME ON ! $ 06 AREN'T YOU WAITING FOR YOUR FRIEND TO COME ? $ HERE 'S SHEILA NOW - $ < ( AND BRI RUNS OFF BY MAIN DOOR WITH GRACE'S CARRIER . $ SHEILA COMES FROM GARDEN THROUGH KITCHEN . ) > $ 02 NO SIGN OF THEM . $ AND IT 'S SNOWING NOW . $ 06 SNOWING ? $ MY LORD ! $ BRIAN , I SHOULD PUT SOMETHING ON - $ < ( SEES HE HAS GONE . ) > $ 02 WAS HE HERE ? $ 06 WHERE 'S HE GONE NOW ? $ 02 WITH JOE . $ 06 MUST HAVE GONE TO THE CAR . $ #81 $ 02 DID HE HAVE JOE WITH HIM ? $ 06 NO . $ HE HADN'T SEEN HER . $ HE WAS RUSHING ME OFF MY FEET , BUT I SAID , " I MUST ASK SH EILA WHETHER SHE WANTS ANYTHING ELSE DONE TO JOSEPHINE'S CAR DIGAN - APART FROM THE SLEEVES - " $ < ( SHEILA HAS GONE TO LOOK IN THE HALL . $ NOW THERE IS AN EXPLOSION IN THE KITCHEN - NOT VERY LOUD BUT LOUD ENOUGH TO STOP GRACE SPEAKING AND CAUSE SHEILA TO COME BACK INTO ROOM . $ IT IS FOLLOWED BY THE SOUNDS OF GLASS OR CROCKERY FALLING . ) > $ MY LORD - $ 02 THERE HE IS ! $ 06 SOUNDED MORE LIKE THE GAS . $ D' YOU LEAVE THE GAS ON ? $ < ( SHEILA GOES OUT TO KITCHEN . ) > $ MIND DON'T LET THE CATS IN . $ 02 < ( OFF ) > $ ALL THIS GLASS AND STICK ! $ 06 WHAT IS IT ? $ < ( SHE GOES OFF , SHUTTING DOOR . ) > $ < ( FREDDIE AND PAM COME IN FROM FRONT , PAM CARRYING BOTTLE OF YELLOW MEDICINE . ) > $ 05 MUST BE UPSTAIRS . $ 04 BUT WHY THE FRONT DOOR OPEN ? $ < ( SHEILA COMES ON FROM KITCHEN . ) > $ 05 AH ! $ THEY 'RE SENDING AN AMBULANCE . $ 04 THE FRONT DOOR 'S OPEN . $ 05 I MET PAM COMING IN . $ 06 WHAT A MESS ! $ 05 WHAT ? $ 06 GLASS AND STICKY STUFF . $ 02 THE GINGER-BEER PLANT EXPLODED . $ 06 I THOUGHT IT SOUNDED MORE LIKE THE GAS . $ 02 BRIAN MUST HAVE PUT A SCREWTOP ON . $ I 'VE TOLD HIM TO USE A CORK . $ IT GIVES WHEN THE PRESSURE BUILDS UP INSIDE . $ 06 NUISANCE - ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH A LIFE OF ITS OWN . $ 05 WHERE IS BRIAN ? $ 02 HE 'S GONE MAD . $ HE 'S RUNNING ABOUT OUTSIDE . $ WITH JOE . $ 05 OUTSIDE ? $ 04 D' YOU KNOW IT 'S SNOWING AGAIN ? $ 05 WE DIDN'T SEE HIM . $ #82 $ 04 THE DOOR WAS OPEN . $ 02 SNOWING - $ < ( MAKES TOWARDS FRONT DOOR BUT BRI COMES IN CARRYING JOE . ) > $ 01 I THINK IT 'S ALL OVER . $ < ( PUTS HER ON SOFA . ) > $ 05 WHAT 'S ALL OVER ? $ 01 YOU LOOK AT HER . $ < ( SHEILA KNEELS BY SOFA , TAKES JOE IN HER ARMS , NURSES A ND WARMS HER , WRAPPING HER ABOUT , ROCKING HER . ) > $ 02 MY POOR BLOSSOM - $ 05 < ( QUIET , AUTHORITATIVE ) > $ WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 01 I TOOK HER OUTSIDE . $ 05 AND DID WHAT ? $ 01 NOTHING . $ LEFT HER LYING ON THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR . $ 05 WHAT FOR ? $ 02 - LITTLE WORM , POOR LITTLE WORM - $ 01 SOMETHING MUM SAID SUGGESTED IT - $ 06 ME ? $ I NEVER SUGGESTED TAKING - $ 01 NO . $ 06 ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS ? $ 01 BUT YOU SAID - $ 06 IS IT LIKELY ? $ 01 YOU SAID IT WAS BITTER COLD . $ I WAS GOING TO LEAVE HER IN THE GARDEN BUT I COULDN'T - $ 02 CAN ANYONE DO THE KISS OF LIFE ? $ 05 I CAN'T . $ 01 SO IN THE END I PUT HER IN THE CAR . $ I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED - JUST TO STOP THEM SAVING HER AG AIN . $ WHEN YOU WENT TO PHONE I THOUGHT - $ 05 < ( TO SHEILA ) > $ CAN YOU FEEL A PULSE ? $ 02 NO . $ I CAN'T . $ OH , MY POOR DOVE . $ SHE 'S FREEZING . $ 05 THE SHOCK MIGHT HAVE DONE IT . $ 06 OH , MY LORD . $ BRIAN , WHATEVER MADE YOU DO A THING LIKE THAT - $ < ( GRACE TAKES ONE OF JOE'S HANDS AND RUBS IT VIGOROUSLY BE TWEEN HERS . ) > $ 05 HAVE YOU GOT A LOOKING-GLASS ? $ 06 ONE IN MY HANDBAG - $ #83 $ 02 COME ALONG , MY BIRD , MY LITTLE DOVE - $ < ( FREDDIE SEARCHES IN GRACE'S BAG . ) > $ 06 OH , BRIAN , YOU SHOULDN'T , NOT HOWEVER BAD SHE WAS , PO OR LITTLE MITE , YOU SHOULDN'T DELIBERATELY DO THAT . $ 05 HERE 'S A GLASS . $ < ( WIPES IT , GIVES IT TO SHEILA , WHO HOLDS IT BY JOE'S MO UTH . ) > $ 02 SWEETHEART , COME ON , SWEETHEART , TRY FOR MUMMY - $ < ( BRI WATCHES IN DISMAY . $ THE OTHERS ARE GROUPED ROUND THE SOFA . ) > $ - COME ON , DEAREST LOVE , GONNA BE ALL RIGHT NOW ... $ < ( BRI MOVES AWAY , SITS ON HIS OWN . ) > $ 06 PERHAPS THE GLASS ISN'T COLD ENOUGH . $ TO GET THE CONDENSATION . $ A PIECE OF FLUFF - $ 04 WHAT ? $ 06 A FEATHER WILL SHOW THE SLIGHTEST DRAUGHT . $ < ( SHE SEARCHES IN CUSHIONS FOR A FEATHER . ) > $ 04 < ( TO FREDDIE ) > $ THIS IS GHASTLY . $ 06 IS THIS A FEATHER ? $ 05 YES . $ 06 THERE . $ CLOSE TO HER MOUTH . $ THIS IS HOW WE KNEW POOR DAD HAD GONE . $ < ( FRONT DOORBELL . ) > $ 05 HERE THEY ARE . $ DON'T SAY ANYTHING , ANYONE . $ I 'LL ANSWER THE QUESTIONS . $ YOU CONCENTRATE ON THE CHILD . $ NO NEED FOR UNNECESSARY SUFFERING . $ ALL RIGHT ? $ - $ 02 SWEET FLOWER , COME ALONG NOW - $ < ( THEY LIFT HER AND MOVE IN A GROUP TOWARD THE DOOR . ) > $ 06 < ( TO PAM ) > $ WOULDN'T SHE HAVE BEEN LOVELY IF SHE 'D BEEN RUNNING ABOUT ? $ < ( FADE LIGHTS . ) > $ < ( BRI COMES DOWN TO FORESTAGE . ) > $ 01 SHEILA AND I WENT WITH HER IN THE AMBULANCE . $ MUM STAYED IN PAM'S CAR WAITING FOR NEWS . $ IT WAS ALL-STATIONS GO IN THE HOSPITAL - VOLUNTARY WOMEN RUS HING EVERYWHERE WITH SOUP AND BIBLES ... ST. BERNARDS STANDI NG BY... $ < ( MIMES HAND-MIKE , ASSUMES AWE-STRICKEN VOICE . ) > $ IF THERE IS ANYTHING HEARTENING ABOUT SUCH A DISASTER , I TH INK IT 'S THE WONDERFUL WAY THIS GREAT OPERATION OF MERCY HA S MOVED INTO ACTION . $ AND OF COURSE THE UNIQUELY BRITISH OPTIMISM THAT SUDDENLY IN MOMENTS OF CRISIS SEEMS TO SUFFUSE THE WHOLE NAUSEATING ATM OSPHERE . $ #84 $ I REMEMBER - WHEN THEY FIRST CAME IN , THE HUSBAND WAS JIBBE RING AND SHAKING LIKE SOME SPINELESS DAGO BUT NOBODY QUITE K NEW WHAT TO DO . $ THEN ONE OF THE IMPRESSIVE LESBIAN NURSES POINTED TO THE AFR ICAN ORDERLIES AND SAID QUIETLY , " PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER , MAN , SET AN EXAMPLE ... " $ < ( DROPS THE PARODY . ) > $ ANYWAY THE SAWBONES GOT TO WORK WITH THE OIL-CAN AND ... " I THINK THERE 'S A CHANCE , NURSE ... ALL OUR WORK MAY NOT BE WASTED . " $ AND THE UPSHOT WAS - FINALLY MUM'S FEATHER FLUTTERED . $ < ( HE LOOKS AT THE SET , PAUSING FOR SOME SECONDS . ) > $ SHEILA COULD HARDLY STAND , WHAT WITH ANXIETY AND RELIEF , S O THEY GAVE HER A BED FOR THE NIGHT . $ JOE WAS STAYING IN , OF COURSE , THEY COULDN'T SAY HOW LONG BUT PERHAPS A WEEK . $ I WENT IN FREDDIE'S CAR WHEN HE RAN MY MOTHER BACK TO THE NU NNERY . $ SHE BEGGED ME TO STAY WITH HER . $ " I 'LL FILL A NICE HOT-WATER BOTTLE , " SHE SAID . $ AND WHEN I STOOD MY GROUND , " HOW ABOUT MY ELECTRIC BLANKET ? " $ AND I SAID , " NO , MUM . $ CHEERIO , I 'LL BE IN TOUCH , " AND SHE STARTED ON ABOUT LIG HTING THE VALOR STOVE THAT I LOVED SO MUCH BECAUSE IT THREW PATTERNS OF LIGHT ON THE BEDROOM CEILING . $ I NEARLY CHOKED WITH LONGING FOR THAT , BUT I GRITTED MY TEE TH AND SAID NO , THERE WAS THE BUDGIE TO BE FED . $ AND SHE SAID SHE HAD MY OLD DUMMY AND RATTLE SOMEWHERE ... S O IN THE END I RAN ... FREDDIE WAS A HOOT . $ SAYING IT WAS A LUCKY ESCAPE AND A BLESSING AND STUFF LIKE T HAT . $ HIS TROUBLE , HE 'S TOO KIND-HEARTED , TOO SQUEAMISH . $ AND HE CLINGS TO LAW AND ORDER . $ PAM NOW . $ SHE 'S GOT THE RIGHT IDEA . $ FOR THE WRONG REASONS . $ OR SOMETHING . $ LOOK AT ME , DELIVERING JUDGMENT . $ WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE - GOD ? $ SO - AFTER THEY 'D DROPPED ME HOME - OFF THEY WENT TO THEIR THREE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS KIDDIES - EVERYONE A COMPANY DIREC TOR - AND THE OIL-FIRED HEATING - THE LABOUR-SAVING EVERGREE NS ... THE FIBRE-GLASS YACHT . $ I WAS GLAD TO SEE THE BACK OF HIM . $ YOU CAN'T THINK WITH THAT LOUD-HAILER GOING ON AND ON . $ NOT THAT THERE WAS MUCH TO THINK ABOUT . $ ONLY DETAILS . $ #85 $ OUR MARRIAGE MIGHT HAVE WORKED AS WELL AS MOST IF JOE HADN'T HAPPENED . $ I WAS TOO YOUNG FOR IT , THAT 'S TRUE , OF COURSE . $ I ALWAYS WILL BE . $ BUT SHEILA MIGHT JUST HAVE DRAGGED ME SCREAMING INTO MANHOOD . $ 'STEAD OF WHICH , I WAS ONE OF THE MENAGERIE . $ SHE LOVED ME AS MUCH AS ANY GOLDFISH OR APHELANDRA . $ SO NOW IT WAS A QUESTION OF HOW TO TELL HER I WAS LEAVING HE R . $ AND WHEN I WENT INTO IT , I SAW IT WOULDN'T ONLY BE ABOUT JO E , BUT ALSO MY AMBITIONS ... AND THE FIRST TIME I SAW FATHE R CHRISTMAS AND - THIS BACKACHE 'S WORSE THAN YESTERDAY AND - THE PATTERN ON THE CEILING ... SO IN THE END I BETTER JUST CREEP AWAY WITHOUT A WORD ... $ < ( GOES INTO ROOM AND BEGINS HURRIEDLY PUTTING VARIOUS OBJE CTS INTO HIS POCKETS , PUTTING ON COAT , ETC. ) > $ SO I 'VE SHAVED AND WASHED AND PACKED A CASE ... $ < ( GETS CASE FROM HALL , STANDS IT NEAR BY . ) > $ HAVEN'T DECIDED WHERE I 'M GOING YET . $ UP THE SMOKE , I SUPPOSE , GET LOST AMONG THE AUSTRALIANS . $ < ( LOOKS AT WATCH . ) > $ ORDINARY WAY I 'D BE LEAVING NOW FOR EYES-FRONT-HANDS-ON-HEA DS ... BUT NEVER AGAIN , I TELL YOU ! $ WANT A NICE SLOW JOB ... GAME-WARDEN ... KEEPER AT REGENT'S PARK ... BETTER STILL KEW GARDENS ... $ < ( LOOKS AT ROOM , HIS BACK TO US , FIXING IT FOR EVER . ) > $ WELL . $ NOISE OFF ; DOOR OPENING . $ BRI DODGES BACK BEHIND WALL . $ HE LOOKS FOR A WAY OUT BUT SHEILA ENTERS . $ SHE DOESN'T SEE HIM , HE ATTEMPTS TO GO OUT AND SHE HEARS HI M , TURNS ON HIM . $ HE DRAWS GUNS AND FIRES ON HER . ) > $ 02 YOU 'RE UP . $ I THOUGHT YOU 'D LIE IN . $ 01 I 'VE GOT SCHOOL . $ 02 YOU 'RE NOT GOING ? $ 01 YES . $ 02 NO . $ GO ABSENT . $ 01 ONLY TWO MORE DAYS . $ 02 BUT WITH JOE IN HOSPITAL - SURELY ? $ THE OTHERS WOULD - $ 01 IS SHE ALL RIGHT ? $ 02 MUCH BETTER . $ STILL UNCONSCIOUS BUT THE PULSE IS STRONGER AND SHE 'S BREAT HING WELL . $ SHE 'S AS THOUGH AS OLD BOOTS , DAD . $ #86 $ SHE 'LL GET THE QUEEN'S TELEGRAM YET . $ YOU SEE . $ < ( BRI SMILES . ) > $ 02 DAD - WHEN YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS REALLY GONE - DID YOU TRY TO IMAGINE HER ? $ 01 LOOKING DOWN , MUM ? $ 02 YES , DAD . $ 01 NO . $ 02 I THOUGHT PERHAPS SHE COULD SEE ME FOR THE FIRST TIME . $ 01 SHE 'D BE WITH HER MAKER , MUM . $ 02 SHE 'D HAVE A FEW BONES TO PICK WITH HIM , DAD . $ 01 CRACKING HER JAW - TERRIBLE - $ 02 ALL NIGHT I 'VE BEEN THINKING YOU AND I CAN SPEND A FEW D AYS ALL ALONE . $ I TOOK IT FOR GRANTED YOU 'D STAY HOME . $ EXCEPT FOR VISITING , WE 'LL BE FREE . $ COME ON ... $ < ( SHE STARTS TO UNBUTTON HIS OVERCOAT . ) > $ I 'LL RING THE HEAD IF YOU 'RE FRIGHTENED . $ 01 NOT FAIR ON THE OTHER STAFF ... $ < ( SHE TRIES TO GET HIS COAT OFF . ) > $ < ( HE STRUGGLES AND SHE TICKLES HIM AND HE GIGGLES . ) > $ NOT FAIR ! $ 02 I THOUGHT I 'LL GET HOME BEFORE HE 'S UP AND MAKE HIM SOM E BACON AND EGGS AND - FRIED APPLE RINGS - DID YOU HAVE SOME THING HOT ? $ 01 TEA AND TOAST . $ AND I 'VE FED THE ZOO AND TIDIED UP . $ < ( SHE IS AFTER HIM , TRYING TO PULL HIS COAT OFF . ) > $ NO , COME ON , SHEILA , BE A SPORT - $ 02 AND I 'LL TAKE THEM UP TO HIM IN BED , I THOUGHT , AND AF TER THAT I 'LL CLIMB IN WITH HIM ... AND HAVE HIM ... AND LO OK WHAT I FIND ... HE 'S FULLY DRESSED ... SO I SHALL HAVE T O GET ALL THOSE CLOTHES OFF HIM AND WE 'LL STAY ALL DAY WITH THE SNOW OUTSIDE . $ COLD AND QUIET . $ AND US IN THERE , UP TO OUR TRICKS . $ < ( SHE NOW EMBRACES HIM . ) > $ < ( HE HAS STOPPED STRUGGLING . ) > $ I HAD A DREAM IN HOSPITAL . $ YOU WERE LYING IN BED BESIDE ME , SMILING AS THOUGH YOU HAD A SECRET . $ I SAID , " WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? " AND YOU SAID , " IT 'LL BE ALL RIGHT NOW . $ AND I SAID , " WHY ? " $ AND YOU TURNED TO SHOW THE BULLET-HOLE IN THE SIDE OF YOUR H EAD . $ BUT I KNEW - THE WAY YOU DO KNOW IN DREAMS - YOU HADN'T KILL ED YOURSELF , ONLY DAMAGED YOUR BRAIN AND NOW I 'D HAVE TO L OOK AFTER BOTH OF YOU . $ #87 $ < ( HE KISSES HER REASSURINGLY . ) > $ I WOKE IN A SWEAT AND LAY THERE THINKING OVER WHAT YOU 'VE T RIED TO DO TO JOE . $ 01 I WAS ROUND THE TWIST - MY MUM , FREDDIE - $ 02 I DON'T BLAME YOU . $ HONESTLY . $ IT WAS MY FAULT , I 'VE BEEN ASKING TOO MUCH . $ BUT NOW - D' YOU KNOW WHAT I 'M GOING TO DO ? $ I 'M GOING TO LOOK FOR A RESIDENTIAL HOSPITAL WHERE I 'M SUR E SHE 'LL BE WELL LOOKED AFTER AND WON'T PINE . $ AND WHEN I 'VE FOUND IT , D' YOU KNOW WHAT ? $ < ( SHE IS FACING DOWN . $ HE LOOKS AT HER . ) > $ YOU AND I WILL LEAVE HER THERE - OH , I DON'T KNOW - SEVERAL WEEKS , EVEN A MONTH , EVERY YEAR . $ MEANS WE 'LL BE ABLE TO GO ABROAD . $ HAVEN'T BEEN ABROAD FOR ELEVEN YEARS . $ SECOND HONEYMOON . $ ALL RIGHT ? $ AND LET 'S START NOW . $ < ( HER HANDS ARE ALL OVER HIM . ) > $ 01 I 'LL GO AND RING THE SCHOOL . $ 02 RUN ALL THE WAY THERE AND BACK . $ I CAN'T WAIT LONG . $ < ( HE GETS FREE . ) > $ AND EVEN THOUGH YOU 'RE ONLY GOING A FEW YARDS , I SHOULD WR AP UP WARM . $ < ( SHE BUTTONS HIS COAT AGAIN . ) > $ 01 I 'LL BE IN THE CAR . $ 02 CAR ? $ JUST TO GO ROUND THERE . $ 01 CASE IT 'S OCCUPIED I 'LL TRY ANOTHER . $ 02 DON'T GO TOO FAST THEN . $ IT 'S BRILLIANT SUN THIS MORNING BUT TREACHEROUS UNDERFOOT . $ 01 RIGHT . $ < ( HE MOVES TOWARDS DOOR . ) > $ 02 BACK IN ONE PIECE . $ AND - YOU WILL BE QUICK , WON'T YOU ? $ 01 BYE-BYE . $ < ( LOOKS AT HER . ) > $ 02 I SHALL GO ON UP . $ < ( SHE GOES TO KITCHEN . ) > $ < ( BRI PICKS UP THE CASE AND GOES . $ HEAR DOOR SLAM OFF . $ SHEILA COMES BACK . ) > $ < ( TO CATS , CLOSING DOOR ON THEM . ) > $ DADDY FED YOU ? $ HE IS GOOD . $ < ( SCRATCHES ARM , GOES TO BIRD-CAGE . ) > $ HAD SOME SEED ? $ WHAT A DADDY ! $ < ( GOES INTO HALL , SHAKES HER HAIR LOOSE . ) > $ AREN'T WE LUCKY ! $ < ( GOES UP THE STAIRS . ) > $ < CURTAIN > $