<< *145 . ROGER MILNER : HOW 'S THE WORLD TREATING YOU ? A C 050166 . CHAR . : 01 FRANK MORE , 02 DIEDRE , 03 COLONEL , 050166 . CHAR . : 01 FRANK MORE , 02 DIEDRE , 03 COLONEL , 0 4 MR CROSS , 05 MR SCACE , 06 VIOLET , 07 NELL , 08 MRS SCAC E ( ROVER ) , 09 MIKE HOLDEN , 10 GEOFF HORTON , 11 JACK ROB INSON , 12 MISS CLARK , 13 STEPHANIE , 14 MISS CLEGG >> $ #1 $ < ACT I > $ < SCENE - A TRANSIT CAMP IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND . $ 1946 . $ THE OFFICE IS REPRESENTED BY A TABLE AND CHAIR ON THE LEFT E ND OF THE ROSTRUMS . $ THE MESS IS REPRESENTED BY A BAR RC AND A STOVE AND FENDER R . $ THE " SALUTING BASE AREA " IS AT A SET OF STEPS ON THE DOWNS TAGE SIDE OF THE ROSTRUMS LC . $ WHEN THE CURTAIN RISES , THE SCREEN SHOWS THE CAMP EXTERIOR AND SEVERAL HUTS . $ THE LIGHTS COME UP ON THE SALUTING BASE AREA . $ CAPTAIN MIKE HOLDEN HAS JUST FINISHED INSPECTING THE MEN . $ HOLDEN IS A SMART , GOOD-LOOKING , TWENTY-YEAR-OLD ADJUTANT . $ HE STANDS MOTIONLESS . > $ 09 < ( SHOUTING ) > $ TRANSIT CAMP . $ TRANSIT CAMP - SHUN ! $ TRANSIT CAMP EIGHTY-SIXTH NORTH EASTERN AREA NORTHERN COMMAN D , BY THE LEFT - TO THE STATION -- $ < ( A DRUM ROLL IS HEARD ) > $ - WAIT FOR IT - QUICK MARCH . $ < ( THE BAND STRIKES UP MARCH MUSIC . $ HOLDEN SALUTES AND EFFECTS TO WATCH THE MEN MARCH OFF AS THE MUSIC FADES . $ HOLDEN MOVES TO THE DESK , REMOVES THE CAP AND SITS . $ THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO THE EXTERIOR OF A SINGLE HUT . $ THE LIGHTS COME UP ON THE OFFICE AREA AND FADE ON THE SALUTI NG BASE AREA ) > $ < ( HE CALLS ) > $ CORPORAL . $ < ( CORPORAL CLARK ENTERS UP R AND CROSSES TO C . $ SHE IS A YOUNG AND VERY PRETTY MEMBER OF THE A.T.S. ) > $ 12 YES , SIR ? $ 09 FETCH ME LIEUTENANT MORE'S VITAL STATISTICS , WILL YOU ? $ 12 I PUT IT ON YOUR DESK . $ OH , NO , SORRY , IT 'S IN MY LOCKER . $ 09 YOUR LOCKER ? $ WHY ? $ 12 I WAS READING IT . $ IT SAYS HE IS VERY INTELLIGENT AND WAS GOING UP TO THE UNIVE RSITY WHEN THE WAR STARTED . $ 09 I 'LL READ IT MYSELF , THANK YOU . $ IT 'S CLEARLY LABELLED " PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL , OFFICERS ONLY " . $ 12 I KNOW . $ THAT 'S WHY I KEEP IT IN MY LOCKER , SO THE C.O.'S WIFE CAN' T GET AT IT . $ SHE 'S THE BIGGEST BABY-SNATCHER IN THE UNIT . $ < ( CLARK EXITS R . $ HOLDEN LIFTS THE TELEPHONE RECEIVER AND DIALS A NUMBER ) > $ 09 < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ HULLO , STATION MASTER ? $ ... CAPTAIN HOLDEN HERE . $ A DRAFT IS ON ITS WAY ... $ YES , THEY 'RE BEING DEMOBBED , BUT YOU 'LL RECOGNIZE THEM A LL RIGHT - THEY 'RE ALL IN UNIFORM . $ CAN YOU MEET THE TRAIN AND GIVE LIEUTENANT MORE A MESSAGE .. . $ HE 'S THE OFFICER IN CHARGE OF OUR NEXT INTAKE . $ WILL YOU TELL MR MORE THAT ONCE A DRAFT HAS BOARDED THE TRAI N , HE 'S TO FORM HIS MEN UP WITH OUR BAND , AND MARCH THEM BACK HERE ... $ #2 $ THANK YOU . $ < ( HE REPLACES THE RECEIVER ) > $ < ( CLARK ENTERS R , CARRYING A FILE ) > $ 12 < ( CROSSING TO THE OFFICE ) > $ HERE YOU ARE , SIR . $ < ( SHE PUTS THE FILE ON THE DESK ) > $ IT SAYS HE WAS SEVERELY REPRIMANDED FOR ... $ 09 < ( FIRMLY ) > $ I 'LL READ IT MYSELF , THANK YOU . $ 12 RIGHT , SIR . $ < ( SHE TURNS TO GO ) > $ 09 THAT 'S A VERY PRETTY DRESS YOU 'VE GOT ON UNDER YOUR UNI FORM , CORPORAL . $ 12 < ( STOPPING AND TURNING ; SHOCKED ) > $ SIR ? $ 09 WHO ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH ? $ 12 IT 'S TO SAVE TIME , SIR . $ DOES IT SHOW ? $ 09 ONLY A COUPLE OF INCHES . $ 12 OH , DEAR ! $ < ( SHE HITCHES UP HER DRESS UNDER HER UNIFORM ) > $ 09 DO THAT AGAIN . $ 12 I BEG YOUR PARDON , SIR ? $ 09 COME HERE . $ 12 I 'LL GO AND SEE TO IT , SIR . $ I 'M VERY SORRY . $ 09 I SAID COME HERE , AND THAT 'S AN ORDER . $ < ( CLARK MOVES TO R OF THE DESK ) > $ IF I LIKED I COULD PUT YOU ON A CHARGE . $ YOU OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO WEAR A DRESS UNDER YOUR UNI FORM . $ 12 I 'M TERRIBLY SORRY , SIR , BUT I 'M IN A BIT OF A RUSH T ONIGHT . $ 09 YOU COME OUT WITH ME TOMORROW NIGHT , AND WE 'LL FORGET T HE WHOLE INCIDENT . $ 12 IS THAT AN ORDER , SIR ? $ 09 IT IS . $ 12 RIGHT , SIR . $ 09 WHO ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH TONIGHT ? $ 12 THE C.O. , SIR . $ 09 THE C.O. ? $ 12 YES , SIR . $ 09 BUT , BLOODY HELL , HE 'S MARRIED . $ 12 YES , SIR . $ 09 HOW LONG 'S THIS BEEN GOING ON ? $ 12 EVER SINCE THE WEDDING , SIR . $ 09 < ( SHAKEN ) > $ YOU MEAN YOU 'VE BEEN CARRYING ON WITH THE COLONEL EVER SINC E HE GOT MARRIED ? $ < ( THE SOUND OF A TRAIN IS HEARD ) > $ 12 YES , SIR . $ I WAS HIS BATMAN . $ 09 GOOD GOD ! $ OH , THERE 'S THE TRAIN . $ WE 'LL SAY FIVE-THIRTY UNDER THE RAILWAY BRIDGE . $ 12 YES , SIR . $ < ( SHE TURNS AND MOVES R ) > $ 09 WE 'LL GO TO A FLICK OR SOMETHING . $ #3 $ 12 YES , SIR . $ < ( THERE IS A KNOCK OFF R ) > $ 09 < ( CALLING ) > $ COME IN . $ < ( LIEUTENANT FRANK MORE ENTERS R . $ HE IS OLDER THAN HOLDEN AND NOT SO GOOD-LOOKING , BUT THE MO ST STRIKING FEATURE IS THAT HE HAS NO TROUSERS ON , JUST PAN TS . $ OTHERWISE HE IS PERFECTLY TURNED OUT AS AN OFFICER SHOULD BE . $ NO-ONE NOTICES HIS LACK OF TROUSERS . $ HE MOVES C AND SALUTES ) > $ 01 ARE YOU THE ADJUTANT ? $ 09 I AM . $ 01 I 'M LIEUTENANT MORE , SIR . $ 09 YOU CAN'T BE . $ 01 I AM . $ < ( HE HOLDS OUT A DOCUMENT ) > $ HERE 'S MY TRAVEL WARRANT . $ 09 NO , NO . $ I BELIEVE YOU . $ WHERE 'S THE NEW DRAFT ? $ 01 THE NEW DRAFT , SIR ? $ 09 < ( TO CLARK ) > $ UNDER THE RAILWAY BRIDGE AT FIVE-THIRTY . $ 12 YES , SIR . $ < ( MORE LOOKS AT CLARK WITH INTEREST ) > $ 09 CARRY ON . $ < ( CLARK EXITS R . $ MORE RELAXES ) > $ NOW THEN , WHERE 'S THE NEW DRAFT YOU WERE BRINGING US ? $ I GAVE ORDERS THEY WERE TO FORM UP AT THE STATION AND MARCH HERE WITH THE BAND . $ 01 OH , REALLY ? $ I TOOK A TAXI . $ 09 TOOK A TAXI ? $ WAIT TILL THE C.O. HEARS THIS . $ YOU MEAN YOU LET YOUR MEN MARCH HERE WHILE YOU RODE IN A TAX I ? $ 01 NO , SIR . $ 09 DON'T SAY " NO , SIR " - IT 'S BLOODY OBVIOUS THAT 'S WHA T YOU 'VE DONE . $ I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN OTHER UNITS , BUT IN THIS ONE O FFICERS ARE EXPECTED TO ENDURE AS MUCH AS THEIR MEN . $ 01 I QUITE AGREE , BUT ... $ 09 HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AN OFFICER ? $ 01 TWO YEARS . $ 09 WHERE 'VE YOU BEEN ? $ 01 ABROAD . $ I WAS IN AFRICA , ITALY AND ... $ 09 ITALY ? $ WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING THERE ? $ 01 FIGHTING . $ 09 FIGHTING ? $ THAT ALL FINISHED IN NINETEEN-FORTY-FIVE . $ 01 THIS WAS IN NINETEEN-FORTY-FOUR . $ THEN I WENT TO GERMANY - I WAS THERE WHEN THE WAR FINISHED . $ < ( GUNSHOTS ARE HEARD . $ HOLDEN IS DELIBERATELY NOT LISTENING TO MORE BUT IS READING THE FILE ) > $ 09 C.O. AT TARGET PRACTICE . $ BLOODY GOOD SHOT , WHEN HE 'S OFF THE BEER . $ #4 $ 01 NOW I 'M WAITING TO BE DEMOBBED . $ 09 SO THAT 'S IT . $ ALL YOU 'RE INTERESTED IN IS GETTING OUT AND SAVING YOUR OWN SKIN . $ 01 I 'VE DONE FOUR YEARS . $ 09 IT 'S ALL RIGHT , I KNOW THAT . $ IT 'S HERE IN YOUR RECORD SHEET . $ 01 < ( EAGERLY ) > $ OH , IS IT ? $ 09 PRETTY POOR RECORD , TOO . $ < ( HE READS ) > $ " THIS OFFICER WAS HEAVILY REPRIMANDED FOLLOWING THE THEFT O F TWO EIGHTEEN-POUND TINS OF MARMALADE FROM THE MESS STORE . $ AT THE TIME HE WAS MESSING OFFICER , AND ... " $ 01 AS A MATTER OF FACT IT WASN'T A THEFT AT ALL . $ I PUT DOWN TWO TINS OF MARMALADE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE PUT TWO TINS OF JAM . $ 09 NEVER MIND WHAT YOU SAID YOU DID , IT 'S DOWN HERE IN BLA CK AND WHITE - YOU WERE HEAVILY REPRIMANDED . $ < ( MARCH MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ NOW I 'D LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR , MORE , THAT EVEN THOUGH THE WAR IS OVER , WE STILL HAVE A JOLLY FINE SPIRIT IN THIS TRA NSIT CAMP . $ < ( HE RISES AND MOVES DOWN LC ) > $ LISTEN TO THAT BAND . $ ALL THOSE MEN ARE BEING DEMOBBED SHORTLY , BUT THEY PLAY TOG ETHER . $ THAT 'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES HERE . $ SO WHILE YOU 'RE HERE , I SHOULD FORGET ABOUT BEING DEMOBBED , AND CONCENTRATE ON GETTING YOUR MEN DEMOBBED . $ < ( HE MOVES TO MORE ) > $ GLAD TO HAVE YOU WITH US . $ MY NAME 'S MIKE HOLDEN . $ < ( HE EXTENDS HIS HAND ) > $ 01 OH , THANK YOU . $ < ( HE SHAKES HANDS WITH HOLDEN ) > $ I 'M FRANK MORE . $ 09 < ( CROSSING TO THE BAR ) > $ COME OVER TO THE MESS - $ < ( THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO THE MESS INTERIOR , A HUT W ALL WITH " REGIMENTAL " PICTURES , CROSSED SWORDS , TROPHIES ISTMAS TIME THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE OFFICE AREA AND COME UP ON THE MESS A REA ) > $ - THE NEW DRAFT WON'T BE HERE FOR FIVE MINUTES . $ WE CAN INSPECT THEM WHEN WE 'VE HAD A BEER . $ 01 < ( FOLLOWING HOLDEN TO THE BAR ) > $ THAT 'S VERY DECENT OF YOU , BUT ... $ 09 NOT AT ALL . $ I TOLD YOU THERE 'S A SPIRIT SECOND TO NONE IN THIS OUTFIT - - $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC FADES ) > $ - INSPIRED VERY LARGELY BY THE C.O. $ DO YOU KNOW HE 'S THE BEST C.O. I 'VE EVER SERVED UNDER ? $ < ( HE POURS A BEER FOR HIMSELF ) > $ 01 REALLY ? $ 09 STRICT , OF COURSE - STRICT AS HELL - BUT ALL THE BEST ON ES ARE . $ 01 YES . $ THE STRICTER THE BETTER . $ 09 I 'VE SEEN THE C.O. SERVING THE MEN IN THEIR MESS AT CHRI STMAS TIME , AND ACTUALLY EATING THE CHRISTMAS PUDDING HIMSE LF . $ #5 $ 01 I HAD A C.O. LIKE THAT ONCE . $ 09 NOT JUST CHRISTMAS PUDDING - THE WHOLE DAMNED SHOOT . $ HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT ? $ ONE OF THE MEN HAD TO GO SHORT , SO HE GAVE HIM A PAIR OF OL D TENNIS FLANNELS HE 'D GROWN OUT OF . $ HOW 'S THAT FOR MAN MANAGEMENT ? $ 01 TERRIFIC . $ 09 HELP YOURSELF AND SIGN FOR IT . $ 01 WON'T YOU HAVE THIS ON ME ? $ < ( HE POURS A BEER FOR HIMSELF ) > $ 09 NO , THANKS , TREATING 'S NOT ALLOWED BY THE C.O. $ SOME OF THE JUNIOR OFFICERS USED TO TREAT EACH OTHER SO OFTE N THERE WASN'T ANY LEFT FOR ANYONE ELSE . $ WHEN IT COMES TO MAN MANAGEMENT , I TAKE MY HAT OFF TO HIM . $ HE CAN TALK TO THEM IN THEIR OWN LANGUAGE . $ MAD KEEN ON SPORTS - ATHLETICS , RACING , RAILWAYS - ALL TRA CK EVENTS . $ THE MEN ABSOLUTELY WORSHIP HIM . $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE FENDER ) > $ 01 < ( RAISING HIS GLASS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE DRINKS THEN MOVES DOWN C AND LOOKS AROUND ) > $ NICE MESS YOU 'VE MADE HERE . $ 09 YES , ISN'T IT . $ YOU SHOULD SEE IT ON MESS NIGHT , WHEN WE 'VE GOT THE SILVER CUPS OUT , AND WE 'RE PASSING THE PORT FROM HAND TO HAND . $ VIOLET USUALLY ASKS YOU BACK AFTERWARDS . $ 01 VIOLET ? $ < ( THE MUSIC OF THE BAND IS HEARD ) > $ 09 THE C.O.'S WIFE . $ SHE LOVES THE MEN , TOO . $ PLAYS WHIST WITH THEM . $ COME OVER HERE - YOU CAN WATCH THE MEN COMING . $ < ( MORE MOVES TO HOLDEN ) > $ NOT TOO CLOSE OR THEY 'LL SEE YOU . $ THERE NOW , CAN YOU SEE THEM ? $ THEY 'RE COMING ROUND THE CORNER OF THE LATRINES NOW - DO YO U SEE THEM ? $ 01 OH , THOSE ARE THE LATRINES , ARE THEY ? $ 09 WHAT A BAND ! $ 01 MARVELLOUS ! $ 09 LOOK AT THE WAY OUR DRUM MAJOR THROWS HIS STAFF INTO THE AIR . $ DO YOU KNOW THE SCOTS GUARDS WANTED HIM ? $ 01 REALLY ? $ 09 SO HE COULD DO THAT AT TROOPING THE COLOUR . $ THEY MOVED HEAVEN AND EARTH TO GET HIM , BUT THE C.O. PUT HI S FOOT DOWN . $ HE SAID THEY COULD JOLLY WELL FIND THEIR OWN DRUM MAJOR . $ SO THEY DID - GOT A FELLOW FROM THE B.B.C. SYMPHONY ORCHESTR A , OF ALL OUTFITS . $ AND DO YOU KNOW - WHEN THEY CAME TO TROOPING THE COLOUR THE FELLOW THREW HIS STAFF AND DROPPED IT . $ YOU COULD HEAR IT ALL OVER HORSE GUARDS PARADE . $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC FADES ) > $ 01 HE 'S DROPPED IT . $ 09 PHEW ! $ SO HE HAS . $ NEVER MIND , HE 'S FALLEN OVER . $ THE C.O. HAS A RULE THAT IF YOU DROP ANYTHING ON PARADE , YO U GO WITH IT . $ HE WAS IN THE GUARDS , YOU KNOW - THAT 'S ONE OF THEIR RULES . $ #6 $ 01 JOLLY GOOD RULE , TOO . $ < ( HE RAISES HIS GLASS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ HE DRINKS ) > $ 09 < ( RAISING HIS GLASS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE DRINKS THEN MOVES TO THE BAR ) > $ LET 'S GO AND INSPECT THEM . $ WAIT A MINUTE - WHAT 'S HAPPENED ? $ WHERE ARE THEY ? $ 01 WHO ? $ < ( HE CROSSES TO R OF THE BAR ) > $ 09 THE NEW DRAFT . $ 01 THAT 'S WHAT I 'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN . $ 09 YOU 'VE NOT SAID ANYTHING ... $ 01 EARLIER ON WHEN I CAME INTO YOUR OFFICE , I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN . $ 09 EXPLAIN WHAT ? $ 01 ABOUT THE NEW DRAFT . $ 09 WELL , GO ON . $ 01 < ( HESITANTLY ) > $ I 'M AFRAID I 'VE LOST THEM . $ 09 < ( TAKEN ABACK ) > $ LOST THE NEW DRAFT ? $ 01 YES , SIR . $ 09 < ( GROWING ASTONISHED ) > $ I DON'T BELIEVE IT . $ 01 IT 'S TRUE , THOUGH , ALL THE SAME . $ 09 AND YOU 'VE WAITED TILL NOW TO TELL ME . $ 01 I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU . $ 09 < ( MOVING C ) > $ MY GOD , WAIT TILL I TELL THE C.O. $ PHEW ! $ I WOULDN'T LIKE TO BE IN YOUR SHOES . $ < ( HE LOOKS OFF R ) > $ HERE HE IS . $ < ( THE COLONEL ENTERS R . $ HE IS MIDDLE-AGED , BIG , BLUFF , GENIAL AND A TREMENDOUSLY ENTHUSIASTIC REGULAR OFFICER . $ HE CARRIES A CUT-OUT FIGURE OF A MAN FOR TARGET PRACTICE ) > $ 03 < ( CROSSING ABOVE THE BAR TO C ) > $ HULLO , MIKE . $ WHAT YOU DRINKING ? $ 09 BEER , THANKS . $ 03 TWO BULLS AND A COW . $ I THINK THAT DESERVES A DRINK . $ < ( HE PUTS THE TARGET ON THE DESK ) > $ 09 THIS IS THE NEW OFFICER - LIEUTENANT MORE . $ 03 MORE ? $ < ( HE LOOKS AT MORE ) > $ SPLENDID - COULDN'T BE BETTER . $ < ( MORE MOVES TO R OF THE COLONEL ) > $ YOU 'RE JUST THE FELLOW WE 'RE LOOKING FOR . $ GOOD SHOW , LOVELY . $ < ( THE COLONEL AND MORE SHAKE HANDS , THEN MORE ATTEMPTS TO SALUTE ) > $ NO , NO , NO SALUTING IN THE MESS . $ 01 YES , SIR . $ 03 CHRISTIAN NAMES , PLEASE . $ MINE 'S " KEITH " . $ I 'M A GUARDS OFFICER , AND WE ALL CALL EACH OTHER BY OUR CH RISTIAN NAMES - EXCEPT FOR THE MAJOR-GENERAL , WHOEVER HE MA Y BE . $ 09 MORE 'S IN CHARGE OF THE NEW DRAFT . $ 03 < ( CROSSING TO THE BAR ) > $ OH , IS HE ? $ GOT RID OF THAT LAST ONE ALL RIGHT , MIKE ? $ < ( HE POURS A BEER FOR HIMSELF ) > $ 09 JUST ABOUT . $ #7 $ 03 SPLENDID LOT OF MEN . $ TOO SHORT TO BE ANY USE IN THE GUARDS , BUT ALL RIGHT FOR TH E POLICE . $ < ( HE DOWNS HIS BEER AND PUTS THE GLASS ON THE BAR ) > $ THAT 'S BETTER . $ WELL , SHALL WE SEE IF YOUR LOT ARE A BIT TALLER ? $ < ( HE MOVES DOWN R ) > $ 01 MY LOT ? $ 09 I 'M SORRY TO HAVE TO REPORT , KEITH , THAT THE NEW DRAFT HASN'T ARRIVED . $ 03 NOT ARRIVED ? $ THEY 'VE JUST MARCHED PAST THE COOKHOUSE . $ WHAT 'S HAPPENED TO THEM ? $ 09 YOU 'D BETTER ASK MORE . $ HE 'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE OF THEM . $ 03 YES , I 'D BETTER ASK YOU , THEN . $ < ( HE MOVES TO R OF MORE ) > $ WHAT 'S YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME , MORE ? $ 01 " FRANK " , SIR . $ 03 NO , NO , NO , NOT " SIR " - WHO AM I ? $ 01 YOU 'RE THE C.O. , SIR . $ 03 < ( SLAPPING MORE'S SHOULDER ) > $ " YOU 'RE THE C.O. " - TELL HIM , MIKE . $ 09 THE C.O. IS KNOWN AS " KEITH " . $ 03 " KEITH " - GOT IT ? $ 01 YES , SIR . $ 03 AH ... $ 01 KEITH . $ 03 GOOD BOY . $ WELL , FRANK , WHAT 'S HAPPENED TO THE NEW DRAFT YOU WERE SU PPOSED TO BE BRINGING ME ? $ 01 I 'VE LOST IT , KEITH . $ 03 LOST IT ? $ YOU MEAN THE WHOLE LOT ? $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ 03 HOW MANY WERE THERE ? $ 01 SEVERAL HUNDRED , KEITH . $ 03 SEVERAL HUNDRED ! $ AND YOU 'VE LOST THEM ALL ? $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ 03 < ( MOVING DOWN RC ) > $ BUT THAT 'S MORE THAN I LOST AT THE BATTLE OF SALERNO . $ WE TOOK A FRIGHTFUL PASTING THERE - HALF THE BOATS OVERTURNE D , AND I GOT COMPLETELY STRANDED ON THE DESTROYERS . $ FILTHY LUCK . $ BY THE TIME I GOT ASHORE , ALL MY MEN WERE LOST IRRETRIEVABL Y . $ THAT 'S WHY I 'M HERE AND NOT COMMANDING A DIVISION . $ STILL - THAT 'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE . $ < ( HE MOVES TO R OF THE BAR AND POURS ANOTHER BEER FOR HIMS ELF ) > $ HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHERE YOU LOST THEM , FRANK ? $ 01 SOMEWHERE BETWEEN KING'S CROSS AND DARLINGTON . $ 03 WERE THEY ON THE TRAIN WHEN YOU LEFT LONDON ? $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ 03 YOU 'RE SURE OF THAT ? $ 01 QUITE SURE . $ I TICKED THEM ALL OFF ON MY SHEET AS THEY CAME THROUGH THE B ARRIER . $ 03 THAT SOUNDS PRETTY FOOLPROOF . $ WHAT HAPPENED EXACTLY ? $ 01 WELL , KEITH , I WAS ... $ 03 EXCUSE ME . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO R OF HOLDEN ) > $ MIKE , YOU 'D BETTER GO AND TELL THE BAND MAJOR TO MEET THE NEXT TRAIN FROM DARLINGTON . $ #8 $ IF THE NEW DRAFT IS ON BOARD , HE 'S TO MARCH THEM BACK HERE FOR A MARCH PAST . $ 09 RIGHT . $ 03 BUT IF NO-ONE 'S AT THE STATION , HE 'D BETTER DISMISS . $ TELL HIM I SHAN'T WANT THE BAND AGAIN TILL WEDNESDAY , WHEN THEY 'RE TO PARADE IN FULL REGIMENTALS FOR MY WIFE'S WHIST D RIVE . $ 09 < ( SALUTING ) > $ YES , SIR . $ < ( THE COLONEL RETURNS THE SALUTE . $ HOLDEN EXITS L ) > $ 03 NOW , YOU SEE - THAT 'S ONE OF THE RARE OCCASIONS WHEN HE CALLS ME " SIR " - ACKNOWLEDGING AN ORDER . $ YES , MY WIFE USUALLY HAS THE BAND AT HER WHIST DRIVES - SHE 'S VERY KEEN . $ < ( HE MOVES BEHIND THE BAR ) > $ HAVE ANOTHER BEER ? $ 01 THANK YOU , KEITH . $ < ( HE MOVES BEHIND THE BAR TO R OF THE COLONEL ) > $ 03 YOU CAN TREAT ME IF YOU LIKE . $ I DON'T ALLOW JUNIOR OFFICERS TO TREAT EACH OTHER , BUT IF Y OU CAN'T TREAT THE C.O. , WHO CAN YOU TREAT ? $ 01 QUITE RIGHT . $ 03 JUST SIGN FOR IT HERE . $ < ( HE INDICATES THE PAD ) > $ WE 'VE GOT A VERY GOOD SPIRIT IN THIS CAMP , AND IT 'S LARGE LY DUE TO THE A.T.S. $ < ( HE POURS A BEER FOR HIMSELF ) > $ 01 < ( POURING A BEER FOR HIMSELF ) > $ THE ADJUTANT SAID IT WAS DUE TO YOU , SIR - KEITH . $ < ( HE SIGNS THE PAD ) > $ 03 NONSENSE - IT 'S THE A.T.S. $ WE 'VE FIFTY OF THEM , AND THEY 'RE ALL HUMDINGERS . $ I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY IT 'S DUE TO ME - I GOT THEM . $ < ( HE RAISES HIS GLASS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE DRINKS ) > $ KEEPS THE MORALE OF THE TROOPS AT FEVER PITCH WHILE THEY 'RE WAITING TO GO HOME . $ EVERY ONE OF THEM SMART , SPRUCED UP , HAIR CREAMED DOWN , O N HIS TOES - GOT TO BE OR HE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE . $ BUT EVEN SO , JUST IN CASE ANY OF THEM ARE TOO DEPRESSED , M Y WIFE HAS THESE WHIST DRIVES ONCE A WEEK SO THAT THEY GET A CHANCE WITH THE W.V.S. AND SO ON . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO THE FENDER AND SITS ON THE DOWNSTAGE END O F IT ) > $ I 'M AFRAID YOU 'VE GOT ME ON TO MY FAVOURITE HOBBY-HORSE . $ I COULD TALK FOR EVER OF IT . $ 01 SEX , SIR ? $ 03 NO - MAN MANAGEMENT . $ SAME THING , OF COURSE . $ BUT - WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE MISSING DRAFT . $ WHAT 'VE YOU DONE WITH IT ? $ 01 WELL , I GOT THEM INTO THE NIGHT TRAIN FROM KING'S CROSS , AS I SAID , IN ACCORDANCE WITH MY ORDERS . $ 03 WHAT ORDERS . $ 01 MY ORDERS . $ 03 OH , YES . $ GOT A COPY OF THEM ? $ 01 YES . $ < ( HE TAKES OUT SOME DOCUMENTS AND MOVES TO THE COLONEL ) > $ 03 GOOD . $ NO , NO , I DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM NOW , BUT THEY MIGHT COME IN USEFUL IF WE HAVE TO HOLD A COURT MARTIAL OR ANYTHING LI KE THAT . $ #9 $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ < ( HE SITS ABOVE THE COLONEL ON THE FENDER AND REPLACES THE DOCUMENTS IN HIS POCKET ) > $ ANYWAY , I GOT THEM INTO THE TRAIN , AND THEN I WENT ALONG T HE CORRIDOR TO MY OWN FIRST CLASS COMPARTMENT . $ 03 YOU TRAVELLED FIRST CLASS ? $ GOOD LAD . $ 01 I HAD A TRAVEL WARRANT , YOU SEE . $ 03 I ALWAYS BELIEVE IN OFFICERS TRAVELLING FIRST CLASS IF IT 'S HUMANLY POSSIBLE . $ IN THE GUARDS WE HAVE AN UNWRITTEN RULE - NOT SURE IT ISN'T WRITTEN , AS A MATTER OF FACT - OFFICERS MUST EITHER TRAVEL FIRST CLASS OR IN THE VAN , NEVER THIRD CLASS . $ YOU KNOW ABOUT TUBES AND BUSES , I SUPPOSE ? $ 01 TUBES AND BUSES ? $ 03 NEVER BEEN IN A BUS OR TUBE FOR TWENTY YEARS . $ SO THEN WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 01 I WAS QUITE ALONE , SO ... $ 03 YOU HAD A COMPARTMENT TO YOURSELF ? $ THAT 'S A STROKE OF LUCK . $ 01 YES , I WAS VERY LUCKY , BUT IN A WAY THAT WAS MY UNDOING . $ 03 IN WHAT WAY ? $ 01 IN THE WAY OF LUCK . $ AS I WAS QUITE ALONE , I MADE MYSELF COMFORTABLE FOR THE NIG HT . $ 03 SPLENDID FELLOW . $ DID YOU SEE THAT THE MEN WERE COMFORTABLE FIRST ? $ 01 OH , YES , KEITH . $ THEY 'D ALL GOT HOT TEA AND BEDROLLS . $ 03 SPLENDID FELLOW . $ SO THEN WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 01 I MADE MYSELF COMFORTABLE , TOOK OFF MY TROUSERS , AND RO LLED THEM UP AS A PILLOW , AND WENT TO SLEEP . $ 03 < ( EXCITEDLY ) > $ WITH YOUR TROUSERS AS A PILLOW ? $ WHAT A GOOD IDEA , FRANK . $ 01 THAT 'S WHAT I THOUGHT , BUT ... $ 03 < ( RISING AND CROSSING TO L OF THE BAR ) > $ HAVE ONE ON ME . $ < ( MORE RISES AND CROSSES TO R OF THE BAR ) > $ < ( HE REFILLS BOTH GLASSES ) > $ I 'M ENJOYING THIS STORY ENORMOUSLY . $ YOU 'VE GOT A REAL GIFT FOR STORY-TELLING - YOU 'D BETTER BE IN CHARGE OF A.B.C.A. $ YOU KNOW , EDUCATION AND SO ON . $ < ( HE RAISES HIS GLASS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE DRINKS ) > $ 01 I 'D LOVE TO . $ I 'M HOPING TO BE A TEACHER WHEN I 'M DEMOBBED . $ I 'VE GOT A GRANT . $ 03 SPLENDID FELLOW . $ BUT WE NEED TEACHERS IN THE ARMY , YOU KNOW - I 'M DESPERATE LY SHORT . $ YOU 'LL BE A GOOD ONE , I CAN SEE THAT . $ THINK IT OVER , YOU 'D BE A MAJOR LIKE THAT . $ 01 I HAVE TO GO TO THE UNIVERSITY FIRST . $ 03 NOT IF YOU STAY IN THE ARMY , THAT 'S THE WHOLE POINT . $ WELL , GO ON - YOU ROLLED UP YOUR TROUSERS AND MADE THEM INT O A PILLOW . $ 01 YES . $ THEN I WENT TO SLEEP . $ 03 SORRY TO INTERRUPT , BUT WHERE WAS THIS ? $ 01 IN MY FIRST CLASS COMPARTMENT . $ #10 $ 03 YES , I KNOW WHERE YOU WERE , BUT WHERE WAS THE TRAIN ? $ 01 OH , I 'VE NO IDEA - SOMEWHERE LIKE SHENFIELD . $ 03 SHENFIELD'S LIVERPOOL STREET - ON THE WAY TO COLCHESTER . $ YOU COULDN'T HAVE GONE THROUGH SHENFIELD ON YOUR WAY TO DARL INGTON . $ 01 SHEFFIELD , THEN . $ 03 SHEFFIELD ? $ THAT 'S MORE LIKE IT , THAT 'S QUITE POSSIBLE . $ FACTS , FRANK , GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT OR THE COURT MARTIAL 'S GOING TO BE A HELL OF A BUSINESS . $ 01 YOU THINK THERE 'LL BE A COURT MARTIAL ? $ 03 NOT NECESSARILY , BUT IT 'S ON THE CARDS . $ ANYWAY , YOU GOT TO SHEFFIELD ... $ 01 I LOOKED OUT OF THE WINDOW , AND THEN WENT TO SLEEP AGAIN . $ 03 LUCKY FELLOW , THAT 'S SOMETHING I NEVER CAN DO . $ IF I ONCE WAKE UP ON A TRAIN , I CAN NEVER GET OFF AGAIN . $ < ( HE RAISES HIS GLASS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE DRINKS ) > $ 01 < ( RAISING HIS GLASS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE DRINKS ) > $ EVENTUALLY , AS WE WERE APPROACHING DARLINGTON , I WOKE UP A ND WAS JUST GOING TO CALL THE SERGEANT ... $ 03 YOUR SERGEANT WAS HAVING HIS SHUT-EYE , TOO ? $ 01 OH , YES , SIR . $ 03 SPLENDID FELLOW . $ YOU 'RE THE SORT OF OFFICER I LIKE . $ EVER THOUGHT OF JOINING THE GUARDS ? $ 01 NO , KEITH . $ 03 PITY YOU 'RE BEING DEMOBBED , OR I COULD GET YOU AN INTER VIEW WITH THE MAJOR-GENERAL . $ I TAKE IT YOU 'VE GOT A PRIVATE INCOME OF AT LEAST TWO HUNDR ED A YEAR ? $ 01 NO , KEITH . $ 03 OH , WELL , THAT 'S OUT . $ MOST OF US HAVE PRIVATE INCOMES OF A THOUSAND OR MORE , AND EVEN THEN IT 'S A PINCH TO FIND THE MONEY FOR ASCOT OR HENLE Y . $ DO YOU RACE ? $ 01 LONG DISTANCE . $ 03 HURDLES ? $ 01 YES . $ 03 GOOD FELLOW - I 'LL ENTER YOU FOR AINTREE . $ 01 NO , NO , I DON'T RIDE - I MEAN I RUN - LONG DISTANCE . $ 03 NEVER MIND , IT WAS A PLEASANT THOUGHT . $ NOTHING 'S TOO MUCH TROUBLE AS FAR AS I 'M CONCERNED . $ IF IT 'S ATHLETICS YOU 'RE INTERESTED IN , I 'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT GETTING YOU INTO OUR OLYMPIC TEAM . $ WHERE WERE WE ? $ 01 TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT , KEITH ... $ 03 < ( MOVING CLOSE TO L OF MORE ) > $ NO , NO , I 'M ENJOYING IT . $ YOU 'VE GOT A GIFT . $ 01 WELL - I GOT OFF THE SEAT ... $ 03 IN YOUR COMPARTMENT ? $ 01 YES . $ I GOT UP AND WAS COMBING MY HAIR IN THE MIRROR , WHEN I SUDD ENLY REALIZED THAT MY TROUSERS WERE MISSING . $ 03 THE ONES YOU 'D FOLDED UP AS A PILLOW ? $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ THEY 'D GONE . $ 03 DID YOU LOOK UNDER THE SEAT ? $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ 03 AND ON THE LUGGAGE RACK ? $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ 03 NO LUCK ? $ 01 NONE . $ 03 WHAT BEASTLY LUCK . $ WHATEVER DID YOU DO ? $ 01 I CALLED THE SERGEANT . $ 03 HAD YOU GOT A SPARE PAIR WITH YOU ? $ 01 NO . $ THAT WAS THE DIFFICULTY , SO I CALLED THE SERGEANT . $ 03 HOPING HE 'D GOT A SPARE PAIR , I SUPPOSE ? $ 01 YES . $ 03 HAD HE ? $ 01 HE MAY HAVE HAD , BUT WHEN HE DIDN'T ANSWER , I ... $ 03 HE DIDN'T ANSWER - WHERE 'D HE GOT TO ? $ THE SERGEANT SHOULD ALWAYS SLEEP WITHIN EARSHOT OF HIS C.O. $ 01 YES , I KNOW . $ I CALLED HIM AND GOT NO ANSWER , SO I WENT TO LOOK FOR HIM . $ 03 QUITE RIGHT . $ 01 I WALKED DOWN THE CORRIDOR , AND TO MY HORROR I FOUND THA T MY SERGEANT HAD GONE . $ 03 GOT OFF THE TRAIN ? $ 01 I 'VE NO IDEA . $ YOU SEE , I FOUND THAT MY CARRIAGE WAS THE ONLY ONE , AND TH AT ALL THE OTHERS HAD GONE . $ 03 < ( VERY PERTURBED ) > $ GONE ? $ WHERE ? $ GONE WHERE , FRANK ? $ 01 I 'VE NO IDEA , KEITH . $ ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WAS QUITE ALONE . $ 03 < ( MOVING SLOWLY DOWN RC ) > $ MY GOD , WHAT AN EXPERIENCE . $ I 'VE NEVER BEEN ALONE ON A TRAIN IN MY LIFE . $ 01 < ( CROSSING TO L OF THE COLONEL ) > $ THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME FOR ME , TOO . $ 03 I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT IT MUST FEEL LIKE TO BE ALONE ON A TRAIN . $ 01 PRETTY UNPLEASANT . $ 03 AND WITHOUT ANY TROUSERS . $ WHAT DID YOU DO ? $ 01 I GOT OFF AT THE NEXT STATION , AND THINKING THAT THE DRA FT HAD PROBABLY GOT OFF AT YORK OR SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT , I D ECIDED THE BEST THING TO DO WAS TO TAKE A TAXI THERE . $ 03 ALL THE WAY FROM DARLINGTON ? $ THAT MUST HAVE KNOCKED YOU BACK A BIT . $ 01 WELL , I HADN'T ANY TROUSERS , KEITH . $ 03 OH , IN THAT CASE , FRANK , YOU DID THE BEST THING . $ WHERE DID YOU GET THEM FROM ? $ 01 I DIDN'T . $ 03 DIDN'T GET ANY TROUSERS ? $ 01 NO , I JUST HAD TO TRAVEL IN MY PANTS . $ 03 YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU HAD TO REPORT TO THIS UNIT WITHOUT AN Y TROUSERS ? $ #12 $ 01 YES , KEITH . $ 03 HOW FRIGHTFUL . $ DID HOLDEN SAY ANYTHING ? $ 01 NO , HE DIDN'T SEEM TO NOTICE . $ HE WAS TOO TAKEN UP WITH THAT LITTLE CORPORAL IN HIS OFFICE . $ 03 WHICH LITTLE CORPORAL ? $ 01 THE BLONDE WHO WORKS IN HIS OFFICE . $ 03 OH . $ < ( HE GRIMACES ) > $ GO ON . $ 01 THAT 'S ALL . $ I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD PERHAPS LEND ME A PAIR . $ 03 < ( AMAZED ) > $ LEND YOU A PAIR OF TROUSERS ? $ WHATEVER FOR ? $ 01 SO THAT I COULD PUT THEM ON . $ 03 WHERE ? $ 01 HERE . $ 03 WHEN ? $ 01 NOW . $ 03 NOW ? $ 01 YES . $ 03 WHY ? $ HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY ON ? $ 01 NO . $ 03 YOU MEAN YOU 'VE STILL ... ? $ < ( HE LOOKS DOWN AT MORE'S LEGS ) > $ GOOD GOD , YOU 'VE NOT GOT ANY TROUSERS ON . $ 01 NO , KEITH , I TOLD YOU . $ 03 HOW FRIGHTFUL . $ MY DEAR FELLOW , WHAT A GHASTLY EXPERIENCE . $ CERTAINLY I 'LL LEND YOU A PAIR . $ 01 THANK YOU . $ I 'M TERRIBLY GRATEFUL , KEITH . $ 03 THESE ARE THE SORT OF THINGS YOU WANT ? $ < ( HE DISPLAYS HIS OWN TROUSERS ) > $ 01 YES . $ 03 I CAN ONLY LEND YOU A PAIR . $ I 'VE GIVEN MY TENNIS FLANNELS AWAY . $ HOW ARE THEY FOR SIZE ? $ 01 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR MEASUREMENTS ARE . $ 03 BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU , ANYWAY . $ < ( HE STARTS TO REMOVE HIS OWN TROUSERS ) $ 01 OH , NO , SIR , I CAN'T POSSIBLY LET YOU GIVE ME YOURS . $ 03 MY DEAR FELLOW , AS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER , I GIVE THE ORDERS ROUND HERE . $ I SHALL DO AS I PLEASE . $ GOT TO SET AN EXAMPLE TO MIKE HOLDEN . $ HERE . $ < ( HE HANDS THE TROUSERS TO MORE ) > $ TRY THESE ON . $ HAVE YOU GOT ANY BRACES ? $ 01 NO , BUT I 'VE GOT A BELT . $ < ( HE PUTS ON THE TROUSERS ) > $ < ( HOLDEN ENTERS L AND CROSSES TO C ) > $ 09 < ( SALUTING ) > $ THE BAND 'S ON ITS WAY , SIR . $ 03 < ( RETURNING THE SALUTE ) > $ RIGHT , CARRY ON . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO R OF HOLDEN ) > $ MIKE , I 'M SORRY TO HAVE TO SAY THIS , BUT IT SHOWS A PRETT Y POOR ESPRIT DE CORPS WHEN A NEW OFFICER ARRIVES AT HIS REG IMENT WITHOUT ANY TROUSERS , AND IT 'S LEFT TO THE C.O. TO L END HIM A PAIR . $ 09 DIDN'T YOU HAVE ANY TROUSERS , FRANK ? $ #13 $ 01 NO . $ 03 THOSE ARE MINE HE 'S GOT ON . $ 09 I 'M VERY SORRY , KEITH . $ I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE . $ I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE LOSS OF THE DRAFT , YOU SEE . $ 03 DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ME , MIKE , IT 'S FRANK WHO 'S BEEN FE ELING THE DRAUGHT . $ $ < ( HE MOVES TO L OF MORE ) > $ IS THAT BETTER ? $ 01 YES , THANK YOU , KEITH . $ 03 MIGHT HAVE BEEN MADE FOR YOU . $ DON'T YOU AGREE , MIKE ? $ 09 A PERFECT FIT . $ 03 I 'LL WEAR MY MESS PAIR . $ < ( HE SHOUTS ) > $ ORDERLY ! $ < ( HE MOVES BEHIND THE BAR . $ TO MORE ) > $ COME ON , DRINK UP AND WE 'LL GO INTO DINNER . $ DRINK UP . $ < ( HE LOOKS ON THE BAR ) > $ WHERE ARE THE PEANUTS ? $ THEY SHOULD BE PUT OUT ON LITTLE PLATES WHERE ANYONE WHO WAN TS ONE CAN HELP HIMSELF . $ HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD THE MESSING OFFICER THAT ? $ WHO IS HE ? $ 09 JACK STUART . $ 03 WELL , WHERE THE HELL IS HE ? $ 09 GONE ON RELEASE WITH THE DRAFT . $ 03 < ( INCREDULOUSLY ) > $ YOU 'VE NOT SENT THE MESSING OFFICER , AS WELL ? $ 09 YES , KEITH . $ 03 WHO 'VE WE GOT LEFT , THEN ? $ 09 ONLY YOURSELF AND ME AND FRANK HERE . $ 03 REALLY , I DESPAIR OF YOU , HOLDEN . $ YOU 'RE NOT ALL YOU WERE CRACKED UP TO BE WHEN THEY THREW YO U OUT OF THE GUNNERS . $ 09 SORRY . $ 03 I KNOW YOU TOP UP THE GIN WITH WATER AND FILL IN LEAVE PA SSES AT TEN BOB A TIME - BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THE SORT OF PERSON WHO WOULD SEND THE MESSING OFFICER ON RELEASE SO THAT HE CAN GET AT THE PEANUTS . $ 09 I 'VE NEVER TOUCHED THE PEANUTS . $ 03 DON'T ANSWER BACK . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO L ) > $ IT 'S NOT THE FIRST TIME I 'VE HAD TO TALK TO YOU . $ < ( HE SHOUTS ) > $ ORDERLY ! $ 09 THERE AREN'T ANY ORDERLIES . $ 03 WHY THE HELL NOT ? $ 09 THEY WERE ALL ON THE DRAFT THAT 'S JUST GONE TO BE DEMOBB ED . $ 03 YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU SENT THEM ALL OFF AT ONCE ? $ 09 I ASSUMED THEY 'D BE REPLACED WHEN THE NEW ONE CAME IN . $ 03 OF ALL THE TOMFOOL THINGS TO DO . $ YOU OUGHT TO BE HANGED , DRAWN AND QUARTERED , MIKE , YOU RE ALLY OUGHT . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO C ) > $ NEVER MIND , I WON'T DRESS FOR DINNER TONIGHT , I 'LL GO IN AS I AM . $ 09 WITHOUT ANY TROUSERS ? $ 03 WHY NOT ? $ IF YOU DIDN'T MIND FRANK HERE COMING ALL THE WAY FROM DARLIN GTON IN HIS UNDERPANTS , WHY SHOULD YOU WORRY ABOUT ME GOING FROM HERE TO THE MESS IN MINE ? $ #14 $ 09 IF THE MEN SEE YOU , SIR ? $ 03 THERE AREN'T ANY MEN , ARE THERE ? $ 09 NO . $ 03 THEN STOP BEING SO BLOODY-MINDED AND INTERFERING . $ 01 I 'M VERY SORRY - IT 'S MY FAULT . $ 03 NOT AT ALL . $ YOU DID THE RIGHT THING TO COME STRAIGHT HERE AND NOT HANG A BOUT LOOKING FOR YOUR TROUSERS . $ 09 DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO MAKE SOME EFFORT TO TRACE THE M ? $ 03 YES , YOU 'D BETTER GET ON TO RAILWAY LOST PROPERTY . $ 09 I MEAN THE MEN , KEITH . $ 03 SO DO I . $ RING THE RAILWAY LOST PROPERTY OFFICE . $ 09 < ( SALUTING ) > $ RIGHT , SIR . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO R ) > $ 03 AND LEAVE THAT CORPORAL ALONE . $ 09 < ( STOPPING AND TURNING ) > $ WHICH CORPORAL 'S THAT ? $ 03 THE ONE IN YOUR OFFICE THAT YOU 'RE MEETING UNDER THE RAI LWAY BRIDGE . $ 09 OH , CORPORAL CLARK . $ 03 YES , ' BARBARA ' TO HER INTIMATES . $ WE 'RE OLD , OLD FRIENDS , AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO COME BETWEEN US , LEAST OF ALL YOU . $ AM I CLEAR ? $ 09 SIR . $ 03 GOOD . $ NOW GET CRACKING . $ < ( HOLDEN SALUTES AND EXITS R . $ VIOLET , THE COLONEL'S WIFE , ENTERS L . $ SHE IS A LARGE , MIDDLE-AGED AND SKITTISH WOMAN ) > $ VIOLET , COME OVER HERE AND MEET FRANK MORE , OUR LATEST LIE UTENANT . $ 06 < ( CROSSING SLOWLY TO C ) > $ OH , THAT IS NICE . $ OH , I LIKE THE LOOK OF THIS ONE . $ OH , IT IS NICE . $ 01 HOW DO YOU DO ? $ 06 WHEREVER DID YOU GET IT , KEITH ? $ 03 JUST THIS MINUTE ARRIVED . $ A REAL BIT OF LUCK HE 'S HERE AT ALL . $ DO YOU KNOW HE LOST THE NEW DRAFT , NO IDEA WHERE IT IS . $ 06 HOW OLD IS IT ? $ 03 CAN'T BE MORE THAN TWENTY-FIVE OR SIX . $ 01 I 'M TWENTY-SIX . $ 03 THERE YOU ARE , WHAT DID I TELL YOU ? $ DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD MY WIFE IS ? $ 01 ABOUT ... $ OH , SHE COULD BE ANY AGE . $ 06 ISN'T IT TACTFUL ? $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO R , TURNS AND FACES MORE ) > $ I 'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY HOW OLD I AM IF YOU PROMISE TO COME T O MY WHIST DRIVE ON WEDNESDAY . $ 01 I SHOULD LOVE TO . $ 06 GOOD . $ I 'LL HAVE A LARGE , LARGE SHERRY , VERY , VERY DRY . $ < ( MORE HESITATES FOR A SECOND , THEN MOVES TO THE BAR AND POURS A SHERRY FOR VIOLET ) > $ #15 $ < ( SHE SITS ON THE FENDER ) > $ GOODNESS , IT 'S HOT OUT HERE . $ PUT SOME ICE IN IT . $ OH , TO BE IN ENGLAND NOW THAT APRIL 'S HERE . $ 03 WE ARE IN ENGLAND , VI . $ < ( HE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE ROSTRUM C ) > $ 06 I DON'T CALL THIS ENGLAND . $ ANYWHERE NORTH OF THE HUMBER IS SCOTLAND AS FAR AS I 'M CONC ERNED - DON'T YOU AGREE ? $ 01 < ( MOVING WITH THE SHERRY TO VIOLET ) > $ OH , YES . $ 06 < ( TO THE COLONEL ) > $ WHAT 'S ITS NAME ? $ 03 ' FRANK . ' $ GOOD NAME FOR HIM , DON'T YOU THINK ? $ 06 PERFECT . $ FRANK . $ < ( SHE TAKES THE SHERRY ) > $ THANK YOU , FRANK . $ THANKS , FRANK . $ < ( HOLDEN ENTERS R AND CROSSES TO C ) > $ 03 ANY LUCK ? $ 09 NOT A TRACE . $ 06 < ( RISING AND CROSSING TO R OF HOLDEN ) > $ HULLO , SWEETHEART . $ 03 DON'T WASTE YOUR BLANDISHMENTS ON HIM . $ HE 'S MEETING BARBARA UNDER THE RAILWAY BRIDGE . $ 06 BARBARA ! $ NOT BARBARA ! $ 03 BARBARA . $ 06 BUT SHE 'S YOURS , KEITH . $ 03 I KNOW . $ RUDDY IMPERTINENCE . $ 06 OH , MIKE HOLDEN , YOU 'RE BEING UNFAITHFUL TO ME . $ 03 THAT 'S WHAT I SAY . $ < ( VIOLET CROSSES TO L ) > $ 06 < ( CALLING ) > $ BOY ! $ LETI CHAI . $ 03 < ( RISING ) $ YOU DON'T WANT CHAI NOW , WE 'RE GOING IN TO DINNER . $ 06 < ( TURNING TO THE COLONEL ) > $ BUT YOU 'RE NOT DRESSED , KEITH . $ 03 I AM . $ I HAD TO LEND FRANK MINE . $ HE LOST HIS ON THE TRAIN . $ 06 WELL , PUT ON ANOTHER PAIR , IT LOOKS TERRIBLE . $ 03 I CAN'T . $ THERE ISN'T AN ORDERLY IN THE PLACE . $ 06 I 'M NOT GOING INTO DINNER WITH YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT . $ 03 GOOD . $ 06 HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I CAME INTO DINNER WITH NO SKIRT ON ? $ 03 I 'D HATE IT , BUT THIS IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT . $ DON'T LET 'S QUARREL IN FRONT OF FRANK , SWEETHEART . $ WHAT WILL HE THINK OF US ? $ 06 YOU 'RE QUITE RIGHT . $ < ( SHE MOVES TO THE COLONEL ) > $ KISS AND MAKE UP . $ < ( THE COLONEL AND VIOLET KISS ) > $ THAT 'S BETTER . $ PUSS, PUSS , PUSS , PUSS , PUSS . $ DO YOU LIKE CATS , FRANK ? $ 01 VERY MUCH INDEED . $ 06 SO DO I . $ I 'VE GOT TWELVE IN MY BEDROOM . $ WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THEM ? $ 01 I CERTAINLY SHOULD . $ #16 $ 06 COME ON , THEN . $ 01 NOW ? $ 06 THERE 'S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT . $ 03 GOOD GOD , VIOLET , CAN'T YOU WAIT TILL AFTER DINNER ? $ 06 NO . $ COME ON , FRANK . $ 01 < ( CROSSING TO R OF THE COLONEL ) > $ WILL YOU EXCUSE US , THEN ? $ 03 CERTAINLY . $ DON'T BE TOO LONG , I 'M MEETING BARBARA UNDER THE RAILWAY B RIDGE AT EIGHT-THIRTY . $ < ( MORE CROSSES BELOW THE COLONEL TO L OF HIM ) > $ 06 WE 'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE . $ I 'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW FRANK MY CATS . $ POUR ME ANOTHER SHERRY , MIKE . $ GLAMOUR BOY . $ AND KEITH , WHATEVER YOU DO , YOU 'RE TO PROMISE NEVER TO DE MOB FRANK . $ < ( VIOLET HANDS HER GLASS TO THE COLONEL AND EXITS L . $ MORE FOLLOWS HER OFF . $ HOLDEN AND THE COLONEL MOVE AND STAND ABOVE THE BAR ) > $ 03 THAT 'S A STROKE OF LUCK . $ < ( HE PUTS VIOLET'S GLASS ON THE BAR ) > $ VIOLET 'S BEEN MISERABLE THESE LAST FEW DAYS . $ SHE MISSES THE LAST DRAFT AND THAT LITTLE FAIR-HAIRED CAPTAI N IN PARTICULAR . $ 09 HARPER ? $ 03 THAT 'S THE FELLOW . $ I WONDER HOW HE 'S GETTING ON ? $ 09 HE SHOT HIMSELF , I BELIEVE . $ 03 SHOT HIMSELF ? $ WHEN ? $ 09 OH , ABOUT A WEEK AGO . $ 03 NO WONDER VIOLET WAS UPSET . $ WHERE DID IT HAPPEN ? $ 09 JUST WHERE YOU 'RE STANDING . $ 03 GOOD LORD ! $ HE WAS QUITE YOUNG , WASN'T HE ? $ 09 ABOUT FORTY . $ 03 WELL , FORTY 'S AS GOOD AN AGE TO GO AS ANY - PRIME OF LI FE . $ < ( HE LOOKS AT HIS LEGS ) > $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE DRINKS ) > $ 09 CHEERS ! $ < ( HE CROSSES TO R OF THE FENDER ) > $ 03 < ( MOVING TO L OF HOLDEN ) > $ I 'M SORRY I LOST MY WOOL OVER THE PEANUTS , IN FRONT OF A N EW OFFICER . $ 09 THAT 'S ALL RIGHT , KEITH . $ 03 LOOK , MIKE , NOW THAT FRANK 'S HERE YOU 'LL HAVE A LITTL E TIME ON YOUR HANDS . $ WHY NOT GIVE YOURSELF TEN BOB'S WORTH OF COMPASSIONATE LEAVE . $ GO UP TO LONDON , STAY AT THE TROC ; GET YOURSELF FIXED UP W ITH A LITTLE DILLY DOLLY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT . $ 09 I 'M ALL RIGHT AT THE MOMENT , THANK YOU , KEITH . $ 03 NOW , DON'T BE BLOODY OBSTINATE , MIKE , YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT TWO INTO ONE WON'T GO . $ < ( CLARK ENTERS R ) > $ < ( HE TURNS TO CLARK ) > $ YES , CORPORAL ? $ 12 DINNER IS SERVED , SIR . $ 03 GOOD . $ TELL MY WIFE , WILL YOU ? $ 12 YES , SIR . $ #17 $ 03 AND , CORPORAL - WHEN YOU NEXT SEE YOUR BROTHER , TELL HI M HE CAN HAVE MY OLD HORNBY RAILWAY SET . $ 12 THANK YOU , SIR . $ 03 SEE YOU TWENTY-THIRTY HOURS , THEN . $ < ( HE LOOKS AT HIS LEGS ) > $ I 'LL BE IN MUFTI . $ 12 < ( TURNING TO GO ) > $ RIGHT , SIR . $ 03 CAPTAIN HOLDEN WILL BE UNDER THE RAILWAY BRIDGE TOMORROW AT SEVENTEEN-THIRTY HOURS , IF HE 'S NOT POSTED . $ 12 < ( STOPPING AND TURNING ) > $ YES , SIR . $ < ( SHE LOOKS AT HOLDEN ) > $ 03 RIGHT , GET CRACKING . $ < ( CLARK CROSSES AND EXITS L ) > $ 09 WHAT DO YOU MEAN - " POSTED " , KEITH ? $ 03 STAMPED " ADDRESS UNKNOWN " -- $ < ( THE MUSIC OF THE BAND IS HEARD ) > $ - AND POSTED . $ < ( HE LISTENS ) > $ WHAT 'S THAT ? $ 09 POSTED WHERE ? $ 03 < ( LOOKING OUT FRONT ) > $ SOUNDS LIKE THE BAND . $ 09 CAN'T BE , THEY 'RE ALL AT THE STATION . $ 03 MUST BE BACK . $ 09 I DIDN'T HEAR THE TRAIN COME IN . $ 03 WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING ? $ 09 SOUNDS LIKE THE BRITISH GRENADIERS . $ 03 GOOD LORD , SO IT IS - NO , NO , IT ISN'T - IT 'S COLONEL BOGEY . $ 09 IN THAT CASE THEY MUST HAVE THE NEW DRAFT WITH THEM . $ < ( VIOLET AND MORE RUSH IN L ) > $ 06 < ( CROSSING TO R ) > $ THEY 'RE HERE , THEY 'RE HERE . $ 03 WHO ARE ? $ 06 OVER THERE . $ YOU CAN SEE THEM NOW - COMING ROUND THE LATRINES . $ LOOK AT THEM ! $ 03 MY GOD , MIKE , THERE 'S HUNDREDS OF THEM . $ 06 JUST LOOK AT THEM . $ 01 WONDERFUL . $ 03 THEY 'RE ALL IN STEP . $ THEY 'RE ALL MARCHING IN STEP . $ 06 AND THE DRUM MAJOR WAVING HIS STAFF . $ < ( SHE WAVES ) > $ 03 WHAT A MAN . $ DID I TELL YOU THE SCOTS GUARDS WANTED HIM FOR ROBBERY WITH VIOLENCE ? $ 09 NOT A MAN OUT OF STEP . $ YOU 'D BETTER TAKE THE SALUTE , SIR . $ 03 DO YOU THINK SO ? $ 09 I DO . $ THEY 'LL EXPECT IT . $ QUICK - PUT ON MY TROUSERS . $ 01 NO , NO , HE CAN HAVE THESE ONES . $ 03 DON'T ARGUE , LADS - QUICKLY . $ < ( HOLDEN AND THE COLONEL CROSS TO MORE AND HELP HIM OFF WI TH HIS TROUSERS ) > $ 06 < ( MOVING C ) > $ I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT . $ #18 $ 03 LIKE WHAT ? $ 06 THE PRECISION . $ LOOK AT THEM , THEY 'RE COUNTERMARCHING - LOOK AT THAT COUNT ERMARCHING . $ 03 < ( PUTTING ON THE TROUSERS ) > $ IN A MINUTE . $ 06 < ( CLAPPING HER HANDS ) > $ THEY 'RE WHEELING ROUND IN FRONT OF THE COOKHOUSE . $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC CEASES ) > $ THEY 'RE COMING TOWARDS US . $ THEY 'VE HALTED . $ < ( THERE IS A SILENCE . $ THEY ALL LISTEN ) > $ 03 < ( TENSELY ) > $ MY GOD , NOW WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO ? $ < ( THERE IS A ROLL OF DRUMS THEN THE BAND PLAYS A SLOW MARC H ) > $ 09 SLOW MARCH ? $ THAT 'S THE MARCH PAST . $ 03 < ( FASTENING HIS TROUSERS ) > $ QUICK , WHERE 'S THE SALUTING BASE ? $ < ( THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE MESS AREA TO HALF AND COME UP ON THE SALUTING BASE AREA . $ THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO A ROOFTOP WITH A FLAGPOLE AND F LAG ) > $ 06 OVER HERE . $ 03 VIOLET , COME AND STAND NEXT TO ME HERE - AND YOU ON THIS SIDE , MIKE . $ THERE WE ARE . $ THERE ISN'T ANY ROOM FOR FRANK - YOU 'D BETTER LEAD THEM PAS T US , THEY 'RE YOUR MEN . $ 01 RIGHT , SIR . $ WHAT ORDER SHALL I GIVE ? $ 03 TRANSIT CAMP EYES RIGHT , EYES LEFT . $ SOMETHING LIKE THAT . $ HURRY UP OR THEY 'LL BE PAST US . $ 01 < ( SALUTING ) > $ YES , SIR . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO L ) > $ 03 AND IF ANYONE DROPS ANYTHING GO DOWN WITH IT . $ 01 YES , SIR . $ < ( HE SALUTES , FACES R AND MARCHES SLOWLY ACROSS THE STAGE FROM L TO R ) > $ 06 I 'VE NEVER SEEN IT DONE AS SLOW AS THIS . $ 01 < ( SHOUTING ) > $ TRANSIT CAMP - $ < ( HE PAUSES ) > $ TRANSIT CAMP - $ < ( HE PAUSES ) > $ EYES - RIGHT . $ 03 EYES FRONT , PLEASE . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 03 EYES FRONT , PLEASE . $ 01 EYES - FRONT , PLEASE . $ 03 EYES LEFT . $ 01 EYES FRONT . $ 03 EYES RIGHT . $ 01 EYES LEFT . $ 03 01 < ( TOGETHER ) > $ EYES FRONT . $ EYES LEFT . $ < ( MORE SALUTES WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND DROPS HIS STICK ) > $ 03 DOWN , MAN , DOWN ! $ 01 WHAT ? $ 03 GET DOWN . $ FOLLOW YOUR STICK . $ #19 $ < ( MORE FALLS . $ THE MUSIC FADES AS THE BAND MARCHES AWAY ) > $ NEVER MIND , FRANK . $ THEY 'LL FIND THEIR OWN WAY BACK . $ < ( THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO THE INTERIOR OF THE MESS . $ THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE SALUTING BASE AND COME UP ON THE MESS AREA ) > $ RIGHT , LET 'S GET DOWN . $ < ( HE CROSSES TO R ) > $ MARVELLOUS DISPLAY , I THOUGHT . $ 09 TERRIFIC . $ 06 < ( MOVING TO L OF THE BAR ) > $ MUCH BETTER THAN LAST YEAR . $ 09 OH , MUCH . $ 06 FRANK , YOU LOOKED WONDERFUL . $ 03 A CREDIT TO THE WHOLE UNIT . $ 06 AND SO HANDSOME . $ 03 I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT LAST " EYES RIGHT " . $ HOW DID YOU MANAGE IT ? $ 01 OH , IT WAS NOTHING . $ 06 DON'T BE SO MODEST . $ 03 GET UP . $ HAVE ANOTHER DRINK . $ < ( HE MOVES BEHIND THE BAR ) > $ 01 < ( RISING AND MOVING TO R OF THE BAR ) > $ THANKS VERY MUCH . $ 03 WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY DRUM MAJOR ? $ 01 I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT . $ < ( HOLDEN POURS A DRINK FOR MORE ) > $ 03 THE SCOTS GUARDS WANTED HIM . $ DID I TELL YOU THAT ? $ 01 NO . $ 03 ABSOLUTE FACT , ISN'T IT , MIKE ? $ YOU FIND YOUR OWN DRUM MAJOR , THAT 'S WHAT I TOLD THE MAJOR -GENERAL . $ COME ON , MIKE , GIVE FRANK HIS DRINK . $ 09 < ( HANDING THE DRINK TO MORE ) > $ HERE . $ PITY YOU DROPPED YOUR STICK . $ 01 YES . $ 03 JUST BAD LUCK . $ 01 I WAS NERVOUS . $ 03 NERVOUS IN CASE YOU DROPPED IT - NATURALLY . $ IF YOU DROP ANYTHING , GO DOWN WITH IT AND YOU 'RE A HERO LI KE THE CAPTAIN OF A SHIP . $ 09 OR A HEAD WAITER . $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ 03 NOW DON'T TAKE OFFENCE , JUST BECAUSE WE 'VE FOUND SOMEON E WHO 'D MAKE A PERFECT ADJUTANT . $ 09 I 'M AFRAID I 'M A BIT DE TROP . $ < ( HE LISTENS ) > $ WHAT 'S GOING ON ? $ 06 < ( LOOKING OUT FRONT ) > $ THEY 'RE COMING ROUND THE LATRINES AGAIN - WHAT A SIGHT . $ 03 I DON'T BELIEVE IT . $ 09 IT 'S TRUE . $ GOOD LORD , I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS . $ 03 WHAT A BODY OF MEN . $ #20 $ 06 I 'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH KEENNESS . $ 03 I 'LL SAY A FEW WORDS TO THEM THIS TIME . $ HALT THEM , MIKE . $ < ( THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE MESS AREA TO HALF AND COME UP ON THE SALUTING BASE AREA . $ THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO A ROOFTOP WITH A FLAGPOLE AND A FLAG . $ HOLDEN CROSSES TO L ) > $ 09 < ( SHOUTING ) > $ TRANSIT CAMP - TRANSIT CAMP - HALT . $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC CEASES ) > $ TRANSIT CAMP ... $ 03 < ( MOVING TO THE SALUTING BASE ) > $ WAIT , LET HIM LOWER HIS STAFF . $ 09 TRANSIT CAMP - LEFT TURN . $ THE C.O. WANTS A WORD . $ 03 RIGHT - EASY , GENTLEMEN . $ FIRST OF ALL . $ CONGRATULATIONS . $ WHEN I THINK OF THAT GRUELLING TRAIN JOURNEY FROM KING'S CRO SS TO DARLINGTON VIA SHEFFIELD - AND THEN A MARCH PAST ... $ TWO MARCH PASTS . $ I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT . $ NOW THEN , A WORD ABOUT YOUR FUTURE . $ WHEN YOU LEAVE HERE , THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE OVER FIVE FEET EI GHT CAN JOIN THE POLICE AND GO IN FOR COMPETITIVE SPORTS . $ AS YOU KNOW , THE OLYMPIC GAMES ARE BEING HELD REGULARLY AGA IN SO IF ANY OF YOU FEELS LIKE WINNING A GOLD MEDAL , NOW 'S YOUR CHANCE TO GET IN SOME EXTRA TRAINING . $ TWELVE A.T.S. ARE ASSIGNED TO EVERY BARRACK ROOM , WITH A CO PY OF STANDING ORDERS AVAILABLE ON REQUEST , SO I HOPE YOU ' LL ENJOY YOURSELVES IN A SOLDIERLY MANNER . $ AND IF ANY OF YOU ARE STILL NOT SATISFIED - BAD LUCK . $ OH - ONE LAST THING . $ THE SHORT CUT TO THE STATION UNDER THE RAILWAY BRIDGE IS OUT OF BOUNDS TO ALL RANKS AFTER DARK . $ RIGHT , MARCH THEM AWAY , CAPTAIN HOLDEN . $ 09 TRANSIT CAMP - SHUN . $ < ( HE TURNS AND SALUTES ) > $ TRANSIT CAMP - RIGHT TURN . $ BY THE LEFT , QUICK MARCH . $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC IS HEARD . $ HOLDEN MARCHES OFF L . $ THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO THE INTERIOR OF THE MESS . $ THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE SALUTING BASE AND COME UP ON THE MESS AREA . $ THE COLONEL , VIOLET AND MORE GROUP AROUND THE BAR ) > $ 06 YOU FORGOT TO MENTION MY WHIST DRIVE . $ 03 NEVER MIND , IT ISN'T TILL WEDNESDAY . $ < ( HE TAKES MORE'S ARM ) > $ OH , BY THE WAY , FRANK , NOW THAT MIKE 'S OUT OF THE WAY - HOW 'D YOU LIKE A BIT OF PROMOTION ? $ 01 VERY MUCH , KEITH . $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC FADES ) > $ 06 HE 'S JUST THE TYPE FOR THE REGULAR ARMY . $ 03 YES , AND I COULD PUT A WORD IN FOR HIM WITH AN EX-GOVERN OR OF THE WINDWARD ISLANDS . $ 01 THAT 'S VERY GOOD OF YOU , KEITH , BUT ... $ 06 OH , DON'T SAY " BUT " - DO JOIN US . $ WE 'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU . $ 03 YES , THIS MOMENT COULD BE THE TURNING POINT IN YOUR LIFE . $ #21 $ YOU 'RE STANDING AT THE CROSS-ROADS . $ OH , BY THE WAY , VIOLET , DID YOU KNOW , THIS IS JUST WHERE HARPER SHOT HIMSELF . $ 06 POOR DARLING . $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ OH , DO SAY " YES " . $ WITH MY HUSBAND'S BACKING YOU 'RE SURE TO GO RIGHT TO THE TO P . $ 03 YES , IN TWENTY YEARS' TIME YOU COULD BE IN MY SHOES . $ 01 I 'M VERY SORRY , BUT I CAN'T . $ 03 WHY NOT ? $ 01 I PROMISED MY MOTHER I 'D BE A HEADMASTER . $ 06 OH , THAT 'S DIFFERENT . $ HE PROMISED HIS MOTHER , KEITH . $ 03 OH , YOU PROMISED YOUR MOTHER ? $ THAT 'S DIFFERENT . $ SHE 'S A WONDERFUL OLD LADY , I EXPECT . $ 06 SURE TO BE . $ 03 LIVING ON HER PENSION SOMEWHERE IN A LITTLE BACK STREET . $ 06 AND POURED ALL HER MONEY INTO YOU . $ 03 GO ON , THEN , FRANK , YOU BE A HEADMASTER . $ I WAS AT SCHOOL MYSELF , I KNOW HOW NECESSARY THEY ARE . $ BUT I MUST SAY I 'M SORRY . $ 06 SO AM I . $ 03 YOU 'D HAVE MADE A SPLENDID ADJUTANT , DON'T YOU AGREE ? $ 06 SSH ! $ < ( HOLDEN ENTERS L AND CROSSES TO C ) > $ 03 EH ? $ 09 I 'VE DISMISSED THEM TILL CHURCH PARADE . $ 03 < ( TURNING TO FACE HOLDEN ) > $ GOOD LAD . $ WAS THERE A CHAPLAIN AMONG THEM ? $ 09 THERE WAS A FELLOW IN A DOG COLLAR , ANYWAY . $ 03 < ( MOVING BEHIND THE BAR ) > $ THAT SOUNDS LIKE ONE . $ < ( THE SOUND OF A DINNER GONG IS HEARD ) > $ FINISH YOUR DRINKS AND WE 'LL GO IN TO DINNER . $ < ( TO HOLDEN ) > $ I WAS JUST SAYING TO FRANK THAT HE 'D DO WELL IN THE REGULAR ARMY , BUT HIS MOTHER PREFERS THE RIGOURS OF SCHOOL LIFE . $ < ( THE BAND MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ I HOPE YOU WON'T LIVE TO REGRET THIS . $ 06 HE 'LL BE A SUCCESS WHATEVER HE DOES . $ 03 SURE TO BE - IF HE LIVES THAT LONG . $ COME ON , EVERYONE . $ 06 FRANK ? $ < ( SHE TAKES MORE'S ARM ) > $ < ( MORE AND VIOLET MOVE UP R ) > $ < ( SHE STOPS AND LISTENS ) > $ LISTEN , THERE 'S THE BAND . $ 09 IT CAN'T BE . $ 06 < ( LOOKING OUT FRONT ) > $ IT IS . $ THEY 'RE COMING ROUND THE COOKHOUSE AGAIN . $ LOOK AT THAT PRECISION . $ 09 NOT ONE OF THEM OUT OF STEP . $ #22 $ 03 THEY 'RE NOT STILL IN STEP , SURELY . $ I 'VE NEVER KNOWN SUCH INCREDIBLE KEENNESS . $ YOU 'D BETTER TAKE THE SALUTE , FRANK . $ 01 ME . $ 03 YES , THEY 'RE YOUR MEN . $ GET UP ON THAT SALUTING BASE - COME ON . $ 01 I HAVEN'T GOT MY TROUSERS . $ < ( THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE MESS AREA TO HALF AND COME UP ON THE SALUTING BASE AREA . $ THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO A ROOFTOP WITH A FLAGPOLE AND F LAG ) > $ 09 USE MINE . $ 03 NO , NO , THERE ISN'T TIME . $ VIOLET WILL STAND IN FRONT OF YOU . $ 06 YES , I 'LL STAND IN FRONT OF YOU . $ 03 YOU ON HIS LEFT , MIKE , AND I 'LL BE ON HIS RIGHT . $ < ( THEY STAND ON THE SALUTING BASE ) > $ HOW DOES IT FEEL ? $ 01 THIS IS THE PROUDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE . $ 06 HERE THEY COME . $ LOOK AT THAT DRUM MAJOR . $ 03 YES , JUST LOOK AT HIM . $ THIS IS TERRIFIC ! $ < ( THE SOUND IS HEARD OF TWO JET AIRCRAFT FLYING PAST , FOL LOWED BY A NAVAL BAND AS ON A QUARTER-DECK ) > $ 01 I 'VE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED IN MY LIFE . $ 06 LISTEN , KEITH ... $ 03 WHAT IS IT ? $ 09 IT 'S THE R.A.F. , SIR . $ 03 THE R.A.F. ! $ THEY 'RE HAVING A FLYPAST . $ MY GOD , WE 'RE IN LUCK . $ I 'LL SALUTE THE R.A.F. , AND YOU SALUTE THE MEN , FRANK . $ 01 YES , SIR . $ < ( THE SOUND OF A TRAIN WHISTLE IS HEARD ) > $ 09 THERE 'S THE TRAIN , SIR . $ 06 AND THERE 'S A BUS LOAD OF NAVAL RATINGS HALTED AT THE LE VEL-CROSSING . $ 03 SPLENDID . $ YOU SALUTE THE NAVY , MIKE . $ 09 YES , SIR . $ 03 AND , VIOLET , WHEN THE MEN GET NEAR ENOUGH - YOU SHOUT O UT ABOUT YOUR WHIST DRIVE . $ 06 YES , DEAR . $ 03 HERE THEY COME . $ READY , EVERYONE ? $ < ( THE NOISE IS DEAFENING , AS THE BAND MARCHES PAST , THE AIRCRAFT ROAR OVERHEAD , THE TRAIN WHISTLES AND THE NAVAL BA ND IS HEARD . $ THE PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO A LARGE UNION JACK . $ SAAAAALUTE ! $ < ( THEY ALL SALUTE IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS ) > $ #23 $ 06 < ( SHOUTING ) > $ DON'T FORGET MY WHIST DRIVE IS ON WEDNESDAY AT NINE-THIRTY . $ EVERY WEDNESDAY IN THE N.A.A.F.I. $ I HOPE YOU 'LL ALL ... $ < THE LIGHTS DIM TO BLACK-OUT AS - THE CURTAIN FALLS > $ #24 $ < ACT II > $ < SCENE - THE PALATIAL HOME OF MR AND MRS CROSS . $ TEN YEARS LATER . $ THERE ARE FOUR UPRIGHT CHAIRS ON THE ROSTRUMS , DOWN R , UP R , DOWN L AND UP L . $ A SMALL CARPET OR RUG COVERS THE FLOOR BETWEEN THE CHAIRS . $ THE ROSTRUM HAS STEPS BELOW AND ABOVE IT AND THERE ARE PALMS UP R AND UP L . $ A SHELF IS FITTED BETWEEN THE UPRIGHTS UP RC AND ON THIS THE RE IS A TELEPHONE AND A TRAY WITH DRINKS . $ WHEN THE CURTAIN RISES , THE SCREEN SHOWS A BALLROOM INTERIO R . $ A HIGH , DRAPED ARCHWAY FLANKED BY CANDELABRA , POTTED FERNS , ETC. , AND THERE ARE FAIRY LIGHTS DRAPED ACROSS THE BACKI NG . $ GEOFF HORTON AND STEPHANIE CORK ARE SEATED ON THE STEPS BELO W THE ROSTRUM , EATING TRIFLE FROM THE SAME PLATE . $ THEY ARE LIT BY TWO SPOTLIGHTS . $ THE REST OF THE ROSTRUM AREA , UPRIGHTS , ETC. , ARE LIT WIT H A FEW PRIMARY COLOURS . $ THE MUSIC OF A DANCE BAND IS HEARD . > $ 10 < ( LOOKING OUT FRONT ) > $ DO YOU KNOW THAT UGLY OLD COUPLE ? $ 13 WHICH UGLY OLD COUPLE ? $ THERE ARE SO MANY . $ 10 THE MAN WITH A BIG NOSE AND THE WOMAN WITH THAT HIDEOUS B OW-FRONTED DRESS . $ 13 THE ONE WITH FRECKLES ALL OVER HER BACK ? $ 10 I HAVEN'T SEEN HER FROM BEHIND , BUT I EXPECT SO . $ 13 THEY 'RE MR AND MRS CROSS . $ 10 YOU SAY THAT AS IF I SHOULD KNOW . $ 13 SO YOU SHOULD . $ THEY 'RE OUR HOST AND HOSTESS . $ 10 OH , ARE THEY ? $ 13 DIEDRE'S PARENTS . $ 10 WHO 'S DIEDRE ? $ 13 YOU MUST KNOW DIEDRE . $ 10 I DON'T . $ I GATE-CRASHED . $ 13 DID YOU ? $ HOW ROMANTIC . $ 10 YES . $ 13 < ( LOOKING OFF R ) > $ THERE 'S DIEDRE NOW . $ 10 THAT ONE . $ WHAT 'S WRONG WITH HER - SHE LOOKS RATHER FAT . $ 13 SHE 'S PREGNANT . $ IT 'S A BIG JOKE , BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS EXCEPT HER MOTHER AND FATHER . $ THIS IS HER COMING-OUT DANCE - ISN'T IT A JOKE ? $ 10 COMING-OUT DANCE , WHAT A GOOD IDEA . $ 13 THE MAN DANCING WITH HER NOW IS FRANK MORE . $ 10 NEVER HEARD OF HIM . $ 13 HE 'S HER HISTORY MASTER , AND EVERYONE KNOWS HE 'S THE R EASON SHE 'S PREGNANT - EXCEPT HER MOTHER AND FATHER . $ 10 THEY MUST KNOW , SURELY . $ #25 $ 13 THEY DON'T - HONESTLY . $ THEY THINK IT 'S PUPPY FAT . $ ISN'T IT A JOKE ? $ 10 DO YOU KNOW THEM WELL ? $ 13 OH , YES , FRIGHTFULLY . $ FRANK MORE 'S MAD ABOUT ME , BUT AFTER WHAT HE 'S DONE TO DI EDRE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM . $ 10 QUITE RIGHT , TOO . $ 13 I 'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL , PARTICULARLY AFTER ALL THAT SHE RRY TRIFLE . $ I ADORE TRIFLE . $ 10 SO DO I . $ LET 'S HAVE SOME MORE . $ 13 IT 'LL MAKE ME TIDDLY . $ 10 JOLLY GOOD . $ DO YOU HAVE A FLAT OF YOUR OWN ? $ 13 YES . $ 10 GOOD . $ < ( GEOFF AND STEPHANIE RISE , MOVE UP ON TO THE ROSTRUM AND DANCE . $ THE LIGHTS COME UP ON THE ROSTRUM AREA ) > $ LET 'S HAVE SOME MORE AND THEN GO BACK AND HAVE A CUP OF COF FEE . $ 13 LOVELY . $ IF YOU DON'T MIND THE DIVAN NOT BEING MADE . $ 10 YOU 'VE GOT A DIVAN , HAVE YOU ? $ 13 YES , IN THE LIVING-ROOM . $ I GOT UP IN SUCH A HURRY TONIGHT , THAT I HADN'T TIME TO MAK E IT . $ < ( THEY STOP DANCING ) > $ 10 WERE YOU ASLEEP ? $ 13 YES . $ I SET THE ALARM -- $ < ( THE DANCE MUSIC CEASES . $ APPLAUSE AND PARTY NOISES ARE HEARD ) > $ - FOR EIGHT O'CLOCK AT NIGHT INSTEAD OF EIGHT IN THE MORNING . $ 10 YOU 'RE PULLING MY LEG . $ 13 I 'M NOT . $ THE CLOCK 'S ELECTRIC . $ I 'LL SHOW YOU . $ < ( MILES CROSS ENTERS UP C . $ HE IS A MIDDLE-AGED MAN , FINELY DRESSED ) > $ OH , HULLO , MR CROSS . $ 04 HULLO , STEPHANIE - GLAD YOU 'RE ENJOYING THE DANCE . $ 13 YES , I AM . $ HAVE YOU MET ? $ 04 NO . $ < ( HE LOOKS AROUND ) > $ 10 GEOFF HORTON . $ 04 HOW DO YOU DO ? $ GLAD YOU 'RE ENJOYING THE DANCE . $ HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE ? $ 10 YES , THANK YOU . $ 04 SHE LOOKS FRIGHTFUL TONIGHT , DOESN'T SHE ? $ 10 DOES SHE ? $ 04 SURELY YOU 'VE NOTICED HER . $ 10 I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE USUALLY LOOKS , SIR . $ 04 SHE USUALLY LOOKS ALL RIGHT IN A TWEED SKIRT - BUT TONIGH T SHE LOOKS FRIGHTFUL . $ GO ON , GET YOURSELF SOME TRIFLE . $ 10 < ( INDICATING STEPHANIE ) > $ I 'VE GOT SOME , AND VERY PRETTY , TOO . $ #26 $ 04 OH , STEPHANIE 'S A BEAUTY , WE ALL KNOW THAT . $ BUT YOU WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY DAUGHTER - SHE 'S AN EYEFUL . $ 13 I 'VE NEVER SEEN HER LOOK SO LOVELY , MR CROSS . $ 04 MIND YOU , I 'M PREJUDICED - I 'M HER FATHER . $ < ( HE POINTS OFF R ) > $ THAT DRESS COST ME A HUNDRED POUNDS , AND IT STILL HAD TO BE LET OUT . $ 13 DIEDRE 'S A BIG GIRL . $ 04 SHE 'S ONLY SIXTEEN - I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT . $ HER MOTHER 'S JUST A SLIP OF A THING . $ 10 YOUR WIFE , SIR ? $ 04 YES , THERE SHE IS . $ < ( HE CALLS ) > $ NELL ! $ SHE 'S GOT HER BACK TO US - YOU CAN SEE HOW DREADFUL SHE LOO KS . $ < ( HE CALLS ) > $ NELL ! $ SHE 'S HEARD ME , SHE 'S TURNING ROUND . $ < ( HE CALLS ) > $ NELL ! $ NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ? $ 13 I THINK SHE LOOKS VERY NICE . $ 04 SHE LOOKS AN ABSOLUTE FRIGHT . $ < ( MRS NELL CROSS ENTERS UP R . $ SHE IS A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN AND WEARS A PARTY FROCK ) > $ 07 MILES . $ < ( SHE MOVES RC ) > $ 04 NELL , HAVE YOU MET MIRIAM AND VICTOR WHEELER ? $ 07 NO , DEAR . $ < ( SHE EXTENDS HER HAND TO GEOFF ) > $ 10 MY NAME 'S GEOFF HORTON . $ 04 I KNOW IT IS . $ THE WHEELERS ARE OLD FRIENDS OF OURS FROM EAST GRINSTEAD . $ 10 OH , REALLY , SIR . $ I COME FROM ROUND THERE . $ 07 DIEDRE WANTS A WORD WITH US BOTH , MILES . $ 04 GOOD . $ 07 IN PRIVATE . $ 13 WE 'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE SOME TRIFLE , THEN MR HORTON 'S TAKING ME HOME . $ 07 ARE YOU ILL , DEAR ? $ 13 NOT YET . $ BUT I WILL BE WHEN I 'VE HAD SOME MORE TRIFLE . $ < ( CROSS SHAKES HANDS WITH GEOFF AND STEPHANIE ) > $ 04 GOOD . $ EAT ALL YOU CAN . $ GOOD-BYE . $ 10 THANK YOU VERY ... $ 04 DON'T DAWDLE ABOUT OR THE CREAM MAY GO SOUR . $ 13 ALL THE BETTER . $ < ( STEPHANIE AND GEOFF EXIT L . $ THE PARTY NOISES FADE ) > $ 07 SIT DOWN , DEAR , WE 'LL WAIT FOR HER HERE . $ < ( CROSS SITS ON THE UPSTAGE CHAIR L . $ NELL SITS ON THE DOWNSTAGE CHAIR L . $ THE ORCHESTRA PLAYS " THE DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY " ) > $ LISTEN , MILES , THEY 'RE PLAYING OUR TUNE . $ 04 SO THEY ARE . $ DANCE OF THE SUGAR BEET FAIRY . $ #27 $ 07 SUGAR LOAF FAIRY . $ 04 SOAP . $ 07 SOAP ? $ 04 FAIRY SOAP . $ JOKE . $ DANCE OF THE SUGAR LOAF FAIRY SOAP . $ JOKE . $ MUMMY , WHY ARE YOUR HANDS SO SOFT ? $ 07 < ( RISING ) > $ I NEVER CAN RESIST IT . $ < ( THE LIGHTS COME UP ON THE DOWNSTAGE AREA ) > $ < ( SHE MOVES DOWN THE STEPS C FROM THE ROSTRUM AND CROSSES TO L , MOVING TO THE RHYTHM OF THE MUSIC . $ SHE SINGS ) > $ DUM , DUM , DUM , DUM , DUM , DUM , DE DUM , DUM , DUM ! $ DUM ... $ < ( SHE DANCES ) > $ COME AND JOIN ME , IT 'S LOVELY IN . $ < ( SHE GOES THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF SWISHING WATER UNDER HER ARMS , AND SWIMS ) > $ 04 < ( RISING AND MOVING GINGERLY TO THE STEPS C ) > $ BRR - $ < ( HE AFFECTS TO DIP A TOE INTO THE WATER ) > $ IT 'S COLD . $ < ( HE WITHDRAWS HIS TOE ) > $ 07 LOVELY ONCE YOU 'RE UNDER . $ < ( SHE DIPS DOWN ) > $ < ( CROSS PLUNGES IN FROM THE ROSTRUM R AND SWIMS TO C . $ NELL SWIMS AND MEETS CROSS C ) > $ I 'M GLAD YOU CHOSE EASTBOURNE FOR OUR HONEYMOON AND NOT FAR THER UP THE COAST . $ OH , I 'VE BEEN BITTEN . $ < ( SHE RUNS UP THE STEPS C AND SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN L ) > $ 04 BITTEN ? $ NONSENSE ! $ 07 I HAVE . $ 04 COME ON , IT 'S LOVELY ONCE YOU 'RE IN . $ < ( HE SWIMS BACKWARDS TO R ) > $ 07 DON'T GO TOO FAR OUT , PET . $ 04 NO , I 'M COMING INTO LAND NOW . $ < ( HE COMES UP THE STEPS TOWARDS NELL AND SHAKES WATER AT H ER ) > $ < ( THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE DOWNSTAGE AREA . $ THE MUSIC CEASES ) > $ 07 OH , BEAST ! $ < ( THEY BOTH LAUGH . $ CROSS SITS ON THE UPSTAGE CHAIR L ) > $ < ( SHE RISES ) > $ IT 'S STOPPED . $ WHAT A PITY . $ SHALL I ASK THEM TO PLAY IT AGAIN ? $ 04 < ( RETURNING TO NORMAL ) > $ NO , NO , ENOUGH 'S ENOUGH . $ 07 YES , WE DON'T WANT TO OVERDO IT . $ 04 < ( LOOKING OFF R ) > $ I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF THAT MAN DIEDRE 'S DANCING WITH . $ WHAT 'S HIS NAME ? $ 07 MORE . $ 04 NO , NO , ENOUGH 'S ENOUGH . $ 07 SILLY ! $ HIS NAME 'S MORE . $ 04 MORE WHAT ? $ 07 NO MORE ANYTHING - JUST MORE . $ < ( SHE SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN L ) > $ 04 HASN'T HE A CHRISTIAN NAME ? $ 07 NOT THAT I KNOW OF . $ 04 HE MUST HAVE HAD ONE ONCE . $ WHAT HAPPENED TO IT ? $ #28 $ 07 I THINK HE LOST IT DURING THE WAR . $ NOW HE HAS A NUMBER INSTEAD . $ 04 IN THE WAR ? $ TRAGIC . $ 07 HE WAS IN THE ROYAL ARMY SERVICE CORPS , DRIVING LORRIES . $ 04 THROUGH THE DESERT ? $ 07 RIGHT ACROSS THE SAHARA , UP THROUGH ITALY , AND INTO GER MANY . $ 04 WHAT 'S HE DOING WITH DIEDRE , THEN ? $ 07 THEY 'RE DANCING VERY CLOSE . $ 04 THAT 'S WHAT I 'M SAYING . $ I HOPE NOTHING 'S DEVELOPING BETWEEN THEM . $ WITH HIS ARMY RECORD HE 'S SURE TO KNOCK WOMEN FOR SIX . $ 07 < ( EAGERLY ) > $ DO YOU THINK SO ? $ 04 SURE TO . $ REMEMBER WHAT I WAS LIKE WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE TRENCHES ? $ 07 NO , WE HADN'T MET THEN . $ AND THE WAR 'D BEEN OVER TEN YEARS . $ 04 WELL , AFTER THE GENERAL STRIKE . $ YOU REMEMBER ME DRIVING THE BUSES AND EXPRESS TRAINS . $ 07 NO . $ 04 GOOD GOD , YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN HOW I BROKE THE GENERAL STRIKE . $ 07 OH , I REMEMBER THAT ALL RIGHT . $ 04 I SHOULD THINK SO , TOO . $ THE PROUDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE WHEN THAT STRIKE WAS BROKEN . $ 07 MY PROUDEST MOMENT WAS WHEN I MARRIED YOU . $ < ( SHE TAKES HIS HAND ) > $ BEFORE YOU EVER MADE SUCH A GREAT SUCCESS OF YOUR LIFE . $ 04 I 'VE ONLY DONE WHAT I SET OUT TO DO - NO MORE AND NO LES S . $ 07 CERTAINLY NO LESS . $ YOU 'VE GIVEN ME EVERYTHING -- $ < ( DANCE MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ - I COULD WANT . $ 04 YES . $ I LARGE HOUSE ... $ 07 BUT NOT TOO LARGE . $ 04 A LARGE GARDEN . $ 07 BUT NOT TOO LARGE . $ 04 A LOVELY DAUGHTER . $ 07 BUT NOT TOO LARGE . $ 04 WHAT 'S THAT ? $ 07 < ( RISING AND CROSSING TO C ; CARRIED AWAY ) > $ ISN'T SHE A PICTURE ? $ I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HER AGE , I COULD DANCE AND DANCE UNTI L THE COWS CAME HOME . $ < ( SHE PIROUETTES ) > $ DO YOU LIKE MY DRESS ? $ 04 I 'M NOT SURE . $ 07 OH , DEAR . $ I ONLY GOT IT FOR YOUR SAKE . $ 04 ISN'T IT A BIT BIG FOR YOU ? $ 07 NO , I DON'T THINK SO . $ IT LOOKED SO NICE ON THE GIRL WHO SERVED ME . $ 04 SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT , THEN . $ #29 $ 07 BUT I 'VE GOT IT ON BACK TO FRONT , MAYBE THAT 'S WHAT 'S WRONG . $ 04 BACK TO FRONT - THAT 'S A GOOD IDEA . $ 07 < ( DANCING ) > $ SO THAT PEOPLE CAN SEE IT BETTER WHEN I 'M DANCING . $ 04 TROUBLE IS THE BACK 'S REALLY NICER THAN THE FRONT . $ 07 IN THAT CASE I 'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP WHIRLING ROUND AND R OUND LIKE A TOP . $ < ( SHE WHIRLS ROUND AND ROUND THEN SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN R . $ BREATHLESSLY ) > $ HOW DO I LOOK ? $ 04 < ( LIGHTING A CIGAR ) > $ EXQUISITE , MY DARLING . $ < ( MORE AND DIEDRE ENTER UP C . $ DIEDRE WEARS A DRESS LIKE A VERY LONG BALLET FROCK AND IS BU RSTING AT THE SEAMS ) > $ 02 < ( MOVING TO NELL ) > $ MUMMY ! $ 07 YES , MY DARLING . $ 02 WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU . $ 07 SORRY , MY DARLING . $ I DO WISH THE BAND WOULD STOP PLAYING , EVERY TIME I HEAR IT IT MAKES ME WANT TO DANCE AND I 'M TOO EXHAUSTED . $ 04 < ( RISING ) > $ COME IN , MY LAD . $ < ( HE SHAKES MORE'S HAND ) > $ SIT DOWN . $ < ( HE OFFERS HIS CASE ) > $ HAVE A CIGAR . $ 01 NO , THANK YOU . $ 04 SIT DOWN , ANYWAY . $ 01 THANK YOU . $ < ( HE SITS ON THE CHAIR UP L ) > $ < ( DIEDRE SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN L . $ CROSS SITS ON THE CHAIR UP R . $ NELL IS SEATED ON THE CHAIR DOWN R . $ THE DANCE MUSIC STOPS ) > $ 04 NOW WE ARE ALL COMFORTABLE . $ NELL ? $ 07 YES , THANK YOU , DEAR . $ 04 DIEDRE ? $ 02 YES , THANK YOU , DADDY . $ 04 MR MORE ? $ 01 YES , THANK YOU , MR CROSS - VERY COMFORTABLE . $ 04 GOOD . $ NOW THEN ... $ 07 COULD I POSSIBLY CHANGE MY MIND , MILES ? $ < ( SHE RISES ) > $ I THINK THIS CHAIR IS A LITTLE TOO ROUND FOR ME . $ 04 < ( RISING ) > $ CERTAINLY - HAVE MINE . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ NO , NO , HAVE MINE . $ MINE 'S SQUARER . $ 02 < ( RISING ) > $ WHAT ABOUT MINE ? $ 04 SIT DOWN , SIT DOWN . $ WE 'VE ONLY JUST GOT COMFORTABLE . $ < ( MORE AND DIEDRE RESUME THEIR SEATS ) > $ TRY THIS ONE , NELL . $ < ( HE INDICATES THE CHAIR UP R ) > $ HERE . $ < ( NELL SITS ON THE CHAIR UP R ) > $ IS THAT BETTER ? $ 07 YES , THANK YOU , DEAR , THAT 'S MUCH BETTER . $ < ( TO MORE . $ WITH A SIGH ) > $ I 'M SO SORRY , BUT A ROUND CHAIR ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL A BIT SICK . $ #30 $ < ( CROSS SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN R ) > $ 01 MY MOTHER 'S THE SAME . $ 07 IS SHE ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 WHERE 'S YOUR MOTHER NOW ? $ 01 SHE 'S DEAD , I 'M AFRAID . $ 04 DEAD ? $ I 'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT . $ WHAT DID SHE DIE OF ? $ 01 SHE GOT A BAD ATTACK OF FLU , AND THEN PNEUMONIA . $ 04 WHAT BAD LUCK . $ YOU MUST MISS HER DREADFULLY . $ 01 NOT NOW - I 'VE GOT USED TO IT . $ < ( THERE IS A PAUSE ) > $ 07 IS YOUR FATHER ALIVE ? $ 01 NO , HE 'S DEAD , TOO . $ 07 OH , DEAR , I 'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT . $ WHAT DID HE DIE OF ? $ 01 I 'D RATHER NOT SAY . $ 04 OH , COME ON , WE 'RE BROAD-MINDED . $ 07 WE 'RE BOTH MEMBERS OF THE ROTARY CLUB . $ 01 WELL , I ... $ 02 OH , MUMMY , DOES IT MATTER ? $ 07 NO , BUT I 'M TRYING TO BE POLITE . $ 04 I ONLY HOPE YOU GROW UP HALF THE LADY YOUR MOTHER IS . $ 02 I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE , BUT ... $ 04 I SHOULD HOPE NOT . $ 02 BUT FRANK HAS GOT SOMETHING TO SAY . $ 04 FRANK ? $ 02 MR MORE . $ 04 MR MORE ? $ 01 THAT 'S ME . $ 07 I THOUGHT YOU HADN'T GOT A CHRISTIAN NAME . $ 01 I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW YOU GOT HOLD OF THAT IDEA . $ I 'VE ALWAYS HAD A CHRISTIAN NAME , EVEN WHEN I WAS A BABY . $ 04 EVEN WHEN YOU WERE A BABY . $ HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW ? $ 01 THIRTY-SIX . $ 04 WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING ? $ 01 I 'M A SCHOOLMASTER . $ 07 SCHOOLMASTER ? $ WHERE ? $ 02 DADDY , FRANK WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING . $ 04 GO ON , THEN . $ SPEAK UP , MY WIFE DOESN'T HEAR VERY WELL . $ 07 OF COURSE I DO - I HEAR PERFECTLY . $ 04 THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP STICKING YOUR FINGER IN YOUR EAR ? $ 07 I 'VE LOST ONE OF MY EAR-RINGS , AND I THINK IT MAY HAVE DROPPED DOWN INSIDE . $ 04 NOT THOSE PEARLS ! $ STAND UP AND SEE IF IT 'S FALLEN DOWN INSIDE YOUR DRESS . $ < ( NELL RISES ) > $ SHAKE IT . $ #31 $ < ( NELL SHAKES HER CLOTHES ) > $ 07 NO , I 'M AFRAID IT 'S GONE . $ < ( A HAIRBRUSH DROPS OUT OF NELL'S CLOTHING ) > $ 04 THERE IT IS . $ 07 NO , NO , THAT 'S MY HAIRBRUSH . $ I WONDERED WHERE IT HAD GOT TO . $ ISN'T IT LOVELY ? $ 01 < ( RISING AND PICKING UP THE BRUSH ) > $ PERFECTLY LOVELY . $ 07 SOLID SILVER . $ 01 IT LOOKS IT . $ PERFECTLY LOVELY . $ 04 GOT IT AT SOTHEBY'S FOR A SONG . $ < ( HE RISES AND CROSSES TO R OF MORE ) > $ 07 DIEDRE 'S TO HAVE IT ONE DAY . $ 04 < ( TAKING THE BRUSH FROM MORE ) > $ LOOK , YOU CAN SEE THE SILVER MARK . $ THERE , DO YOU SEE IT ? $ 01 NO . $ 04 < ( CROSSING TO DIEDRE ) > $ DIEDRE , SHOW HIM . $ < ( HE HANDS THE BRUSH TO DIEDRE ) > $ 02 < ( RISING ) > $ HERE IT IS , DARLING . $ 04 < ( GLANCING AT NELL ) > $ DARLING . $ 01 OH , THERE . $ OH , YES - ISN'T IT LOVELY ? $ 02 < ( VERY CLOSE TO MORE ) > $ SOLID SILVER . $ 01 SOLID SILVER . $ 04 NONE OF YOUR ELECTRIC PLATE - SOLID SILVER . $ 07 I FIND IT MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE TO MY HAIR . $ 01 SURE TO . $ 04 BRUSH IT A BIT AND LET HIM SEE FOR HIMSELF . $ 07 NO , NO , IT MIGHT COME OUT . $ 04 GO ON , A LITTLE BIT OF BRUSH WON'T DO ANY HARM . $ 07 NO , DEAR . $ 02 OH , PLEASE , MUMMY . $ 01 YES , PLEASE , MRS CROSS . $ 07 WELL ... $ OH , VERY WELL , THEN . $ < ( SHE TAKES THE BRUSH ) > $ 04 < ( GENIALLY ) > $ SHE 'LL DO IT FOR YOU , FRANK , BUT NOT FOR ME . $ MUST BE SOME SECRET CHARM YOU 'VE GOT . $ 07 < ( MOVING C ) > $ WATCH NOW , EVERYONE . $ < ( SHE BRUSHES HER HAIR ) > $ YOU SEE ? $ 02 ISN'T IT MARVELLOUS ? $ 04 YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE ? $ 01 I CERTAINLY DO . $ 04 SOLID SILVER , YOU SEE . $ 01 SOLID SILVER . $ 07 < ( STILL BRUSHING ) > $ SOLID SILVER - YOU 'D NEVER HAVE BELIEVED IT COULD MAKE SUCH A DIFFERENCE . $ DO YOU HEAR THE ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ? $ 02 GO ON , MUMMY , I CAN SEE THE SPARKS . $ 04 NO , NO , THAT 'S ENOUGH . $ YOU 'LL RUIN THE BRUSH . $ 07 I 'M QUITE EXHAUSTED . $ #32 $ 04 I SHOULD THINK SO . $ < ( HE TAKES THE BRUSH ) > $ NOW , COME ON , SIT DOWN , EVERYONE . $ < ( DIEDRE SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN L . $ MORE SITS ON THE CHAIR UP L . $ NELL SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN R . $ CROSS PUTS THE BRUSH ON THE SHELF UP RC THEN SITS ON THE CHA IR UP R . $ THERE IS A PAUSE . $ NELL BURPS AND PUTS HER HAND TO HER STOMACH . $ CROSS RISES . $ NELL RISES , MOVES TO THE CHAIR UP R AND SITS . $ CROSS SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN R ) > $ EVERYONE COMFORTABLE ? $ < ( PIANO MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ 02 04 07 01 OH , YES , THANK YOU . $ 04 GOOD . $ NOW THEN , MR MORE , WHAT IS IT YOU HAVE TO SAY TO MY WIFE A ND ME ? $ YOU SAID YOU WANTED A WORD WITH US , I BELIEVE . $ 01 IF YOU CAN SPARE THE TIME . $ 04 IF DIEDRE ASKS ME FOR SOMETHING , I GIVE IT TO HER - NO M ATTER HOW LITTLE TIME I 'VE GOT . $ 02 < ( RISING AND MOVING C ) > $ IS THAT A PROMISE ? $ 04 < ( RISING ) > $ THAT 'S A PROMISE . $ < ( HE MOVES TO R OF DIEDRE AND KISSES HER ) > $ < ( NELL RISES , CROSSES TO L OF DIEDRE AND KISSES HER ) > $ 07 AND WHEN DADDY MAKES A PROMISE , HE ALWAYS KEEPS IT . $ < ( CROSS , DIEDRE AND NELL RESUME THEIR SEATS ) > $ 02 GO ON , THEN , FRANK . $ ASK HIM . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ MR AND MRS CROSS ... $ 04 SIT DOWN , SIT DOWN , MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE . $ 01 I PREFER TO STAND . $ MR AND MRS CROSS ... $ 04 < ( RISING ) > $ LET 'S ALL HAVE A GLASS OF GIN . $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE SHELF UP RC ) > $ 01 MR CROSS , I 'D LIKE TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER . $ 04 < ( TURNING ) > $ WHOSE DAUGHTER ? $ 01 YOUR DAUGHTER . $ 04 MY DAUGHTER ? $ 01 YOUR DAUGHTER DIEDRE . $ 07 DIEDRE ? $ 02 ME . $ 04 07 < ( TOGETHER ) > $ 04 NELL ! $ < ( HE MOVES TO NELL AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER IN A PROTEC TIVE MANNER ) > $ 07 MILES ! $ 04 NOW , NELL , FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ... $ 07 SORRY . $ 04 DIEDRE , YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE SENSE THAN TO LET MR MO RE BLURT IT OUT LIKE THAT . $ LOOK AT YOUR MOTHER . $ 07 HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ABOUT THIS , DIEDRE , MY LITTLE D EEDEE DUMKINS ? $ 02 HE ONLY ASKED ME THIS EVENING . $ #33 $ 04 WHEN ? $ 01 ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO . $ 04 WHILE YOU WERE DANCING TOGETHER ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU . $ 07 < ( RISING ) > $ MR MORE , SHE 'S VERY YOUNG - YOU REALIZE THAT ? $ 01 SHE 'S SIXTEEN . $ 07 SHE HASN'T EVEN GOT HER G.C.E. YET . $ 01 I KNOW . $ 07 I ONLY TOOK HER AWAY FROM BOARDING-SCHOOL LAST WEEK SO TH AT SHE COULD BE AT HER COMING-OUT DANCE . $ 02 WE LOVE EACH OTHER , THAT 'S ALL THAT MATTERS . $ 04 < ( CROSSING TO DIEDRE ) > $ THAT 'S ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU , BUT MR MORE CAN HARDLY EXP ECT TO CARRY OFF OUR MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION WITHOUT TELLIN G US A LITTLE MORE ABOUT HIMSELF . $ 02 ASK HIM , THEN . $ HE 'S NOTHING TO HIDE . $ 04 REALLY ? $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ HOW OLD ARE YOU ? $ 01 THIRTY-SIX . $ 04 A MAN DOESN'T GET TO THIRTY-SIX WITHOUT HAVING ANYTHING T O HIDE , DOES HE ? $ 01 < ( CROSSING TO THE CHAIR DOWN R AND FACING FRONT ) > $ I 'M WILLING TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS YOU LIKE TO PUT . $ 04 GOOD . $ THERE 'S JUST ONE THING . $ YOU HAVEN'T TOLD US WHAT YOUR FATHER DIED OF . $ 01 HAVEN'T I ? $ 07 NO , MR MORE . $ < ( SHE MOVES TO R OF CROSS AND HOLDS HIS ARM ) > $ YOU TOLD US YOUR MOTHER DIED OF PNEUMONIA , BUT YOU DIDN'T S AY WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FATHER . $ 01 I 'M SO SORRY . $ AS A MATTER OF FACT HE FELL FROM THE TOP OF ST PAUL'S CATHED RAL . $ 07 HOW FAR ? $ 01 HOW FAR ? $ 07 HOW FAR DID HE FALL ? $ 01 ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM . $ 04 I 'M GLAD I ASKED YOU THAT , WE MIGHT EASILY HAVE HELD TH E WEDDING SERVICE THERE . $ 01 YES , IT WAS LUCKY . $ 04 < ( CROSSING TO L OF MORE ) > $ NOT LUCKY - GOOD JUDGEMENT . $ I GOT WHERE I AM THROUGH GOOD JUDGEMENT , NOT LUCK . $ I 'VE GOT AN OFFICE IN THE CITY RIGHT OPPOSITE ST PAUL'S CAT HEDRAL . $ 01 REALLY , SIR ? $ < ( NELL MOVES TO L OF CROSS AND HOLDS HIS ARM ) > $ 04 YES , I PASS IT EVERY DAY . $ AND TO THINK YOUR FATHER FELL FROM THE ROOF . $ HE WAS REPAIRING IT , I SUPPOSE ? $ 01 HE MAY HAVE BEEN . $ THEY SAY HE COMMITTED SUICIDE . $ < ( THE PIANO MUSIC CEASES ) > $ #34 $ 04 WELL , THAT 'S POSSIBLE . $ WAS HE IN BUSINESS ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 STOCK EXCHANGE ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 DURING THE SLUMP . $ 01 WHICH SLUMP ? $ 04 IMMEDIATELY AFTER I BROKE THE GENERAL STRIKE , WASN'T IT , NELL ? $ 07 YES , IN THE THIRTIES , I THINK . $ 01 THE GENERAL STRIKE WAS IN NINETEEN-TWENTY-SIX . $ 07 WAS IT ? $ 02 FRANK 'S A HISTORY MASTER . $ 04 < ( CROSSING BELOW NELL TO C ) > $ WELL , IT WAS THE SLUMP IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT . $ A LOT OF PEOPLE COMMITTED SUICIDE THEN . $ THEY WERE FALLING FROM WINDOWS ALL OVER THE PLACE - LIKE STE EL SHARES , THAT 'S WHAT THEY USED TO SAY . $ < ( HE LAUGHS ) > $ < ( DANCE MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ 07 < ( MOVING TO R OF CROSS ) > $ NOW THAT 'S ENOUGH TALKING SHOP , MILES . $ DIEDRE , MY DARLING , TELL ME - ARE YOU REALLY IN LOVE WITH MR MORE ? $ 02 OF COURSE I AM , MUMMY . $ 07 HOW CAN I BE SURE ? $ 02 JUST LOOK AT ME . $ 07 YOU 'VE PUT ON WEIGHT - MOST GIRLS LOSE IT WHEN THEY FALL IN LOVE . $ 02 NOT THESE DAYS . $ I 'VE BEEN IN LOVE FOR SEVEN MONTHS . $ 07 AH , WELL , IN THAT CASE ... $ 04 I THINK YOU 'RE MUCH TOO YOUNG . $ WHY NOT WAIT TILL YOU 'RE THIRTY-FIVE ? $ 02 BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER . $ 07 BUT SIXTEEN ... $ 04 I HAD PLANS FOR YOU TO GO ROUND THE WORLD . $ I WAS HOPING YOU 'D DO A SPELL IN THE POLICE FORCE OR BRITIS H RAILWAYS . $ 07 YES . $ MR MORE , MY DAUGHTER HASN'T EVEN BEEN TO A FINISHING SCHOOL . $ 01 < ( NOT LOOKING AT HER ) > $ SHE DOESN'T NEED TO . $ 07 IN MY YOUNG DAYS GIRLS WERE ALWAYS FINISHED BEFORE THEY G OT MARRIED . $ 02 BUT WOMEN ARE MORE MATURE NOW - WE DEVELOP MORE QUICKLY . $ < ( THE DANCE MUSIC FADES ) > $ 07 BUT LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT TAKES TIME TO BE SURE ABOUT . $ SEVEN MONTHS IS NOT LONG , MR MORE . $ 01 LONG ENOUGH . $ 02 BUT , DADDY , IT 'S SO HARD . $ 07 HARD ? $ IT 'S THE BEST TIME IN A GIRL'S LIFE . $ 02 < ( GAZING AT MORE ) > $ IT 'S SO DIFFICULT . $ #35 $ 07 THAT 'S THE JOY OF IT . $ THAT HOLDING BACK , JUST A TASTE HERE , AND A TASTE THERE , BUT NOTHING LIKE A FULL MEAL . $ 04 GOOD GOD , NO . $ SO LET 'S SAY WE 'LL WAIT FOR A YEAR OR TWO . $ 02 BUT ... $ 04 NOW DON'T LET 'S DISCUSS IT FURTHER . $ MR MORE IS WELCOME AS A GUEST IN MY HOUSE , AND THAT 'S ALL THERE IS TO IT . $ WE 'LL HAVE A DRINK . $ GIN ALL RIGHT ? $ 07 < ( SITTING IN THE CHAIR UP L ) > $ YES , THANK YOU , MY DEAREST . $ 04 FOR YOU , MR MORE - FRANK ? $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE SHELF UP RC ) > $ 01 THANK YOU , MR CROSS . $ 04 DIEDRE ? $ 02 NO , THANK YOU . $ 04 GOOD . $ WE 'LL ALL HAVE DOUBLES . $ 07 DIEDRE SAID " NO , THANK YOU . " $ 04 WHAT ? $ 02 I DON'T WANT ANY GIN . $ 04 WHAT 'S THAT ? $ 07 < ( AWESOMELY ) > $ SHE DOESN'T WANT ANY GIN . $ 04 WHY NOT ? $ 02 I DON'T THINK IT WOULD GO WITH THE SHERRY TRIFLE . $ 04 OF COURSE IT GOES WITH THE SHERRY TRIFLE . $ THERE 'S A BOTTLE OF GIN IN THE CREAM ALONE . $ DON'T BE SILLY , YOU 'VE ALWAYS LOVED GIN . $ < ( HE POURS THE DRINKS ) > $ 02 I 'D RATHER NOT , DADDY . $ 07 < ( WITH STUDIED CASUALNESS ) > $ DIEDRE , DEAR , HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON ? $ 02 WHAT , MUMMY ? $ 07 HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OFF THE GIN ? $ 02 OH - I DON'T KNOW - A MONTH OR TWO . $ 07 YOU 'RE NOT - ILL , ARE YOU ? $ 02 NO , I 'M FINE . $ 04 OF COURSE SHE 'S FINE . $ SHE 'S PUT ON TWO STONE IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS . $ 02 YES , I 'M GETTING A BIG FAT , SO I HAVE TO KEEP OFF SPIR ITS . $ 07 OH , IS THAT WHAT IT IS ? $ I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT ... $ OH , DEAR . $ < ( SHE LAUGHS ) > $ OH , WHAT A RELIEF . $ < ( DANCE MUSIC IS HEARD . $ CROSS TAKES A DRINK TO NELL ) > $ YES . $ < ( SHE TAKES THE DRINK FROM CROSS ) > $ THANK YOU , DEAREST . $ 04 < ( HANDING A DRINK TO MORE ) > $ I HOPE THAT 'S HOW YOU LIKE IT . $ 01 YES , THANK YOU . $ 04 HOW MANY CHERRIES ? $ 01 FOUR , PLEASE . $ < ( MORE GETS A SAUCER WITH SOME CHERRIES ON STICKS FROM THE SHELF ) > $ 04 < ( PUTTING CHERRIES INTO MORE'S GLASS ) > $ ONE , TWO , THREE , FOUR . $ AND ONE FOR THE ROAD . $ < ( HE REPLACES THE SAUCER AND TAKES A TOMATO JUICE TO DIEDR E ) > $ #36 $ AND A TOMATO JUICE FOR LITTLE DIEDRE DEEDEE DUMKINS . $ < ( HE COLLECTS HIS OWN DRINK ) > $ CHEERIO , EVERYONE . $ 07 WHERE ARE YOU GOING , MILES ? $ 04 NOWHERE . $ CHEERS ! $ < ( HE SIPS HIS DRINK ) > $ 01 CHEERS ! $ < ( HE SIPS HIS DRINK AND SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN R ) > $ 02 CHEERS ! $ < ( SHE SIPS HER DRINK ) > $ 04 CHEERS ! $ < ( HE SITS ON THE CHAIR UP R ) > $ < ( THEY ALL SIP THEIR DRINKS ) > $ AH , THAT 'S BETTER . $ 07 MUCH BETTER . $ 01 CHEERS ! $ 07 CHEERS ! $ 02 CHEERS ! $ 04 CHEERS ! $ < ( THEY ALL SIP THEIR DRINKS ) > $ YOU CAN'T BEAT THE OLD GIN , I ALWAYS SAY . $ DO YOU KNOW , THIS BOTTLE CAME ALL THE WAY FROM PLYMOUTH ? $ 01 REALLY , SIR ? $ 04 IT 'S GOT IT ON THE LABEL - SEE ? $ 01 < ( LOOKING AT THE BOTTLE ) > $ SO IT HAS - " PLYMOUTH GIN " . $ 04 DRINK UP . $ CHEERS ! $ 07 CHEERS ! $ 01 CHEERS ! $ < ( DIEDRE IS SILENT ) > $ 04 AREN'T YOU DRINKING , DIEDRE ? $ 02 NO , THANK YOU . $ 04 WHAT 'S WRONG ? $ IS THAT TOMATO JUICE ALL RIGHT ? $ 02 YES , THANK YOU . $ 04 < ( RISING AND CROSSING TO DIEDRE ) > $ GIVE IT HERE . $ < ( HE TAKES HER GLASS ) > $ I DARESAY IT 'S A BIT OFF . $ < ( HE SIPS THE TOMATO JUICE ) > $ OOF ! $ IT 'S DRY . $ < ( HE HANDS THE GLASS TO NELL ) > $ WHAT DO YOU THINK , NELL ? $ 07 < ( SIPPING ) > $ SWEET , DEAREST , BUT OTHERWISE DELICIOUS . $ 04 < ( TAKING THE GLASS FROM NELL ) > $ SWEET , IT 'S A DRY TOMATO JUICE - THAT 'S WHAT 'S WRONG WIT H IT . $ < ( HE CROSSES AND HANDS THE GLASS TO MORE ) > $ YOU TRY IT , FRANK . $ 01 < ( SIPPING ) > $ IT 'S TOMATO JUICE ALL RIGHT . $ VERY NICE . $ 04 < ( TAKING THE GLASS FROM MORE ) > $ OH , YOU 'RE JUST BEING POLITE . $ IT 'S MUCH TOO DRY . $ < ( THE DANCE MUSIC CEASES ) > $ I 'LL GET YOU ANOTHER ONE , DIEDRE . $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE SHELF UP RC ) > $ 02 < ( RISING ; SHOUTING ) > $ NO , THANK YOU , DADDY . $ < ( THERE IS A PAUSE ) > $ #37 $ 04 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $ 02 < ( QUIETLY ) > $ I SAID , ' NO , THANK YOU , DADDY . ' $ 04 WELL , PLEASE YOURSELF , IT 'S YOUR COMING-OUT PARTY , NO T MINE . $ 07 THERE WAS NO NEED TO SHOUT , DIEDRE . $ 02 I 'M SORRY , BUT ... $ 04 YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE GONE TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO MAKE I T A SUCCESS . $ 02 I KNOW THAT , BUT I CAN'T ENJOY IT . $ 07 WHY NOT ? $ 02 OH , SURELY IT 'S OBVIOUS . $ 07 IF IT WAS , I WOULDN'T ASK YOU . $ 04 < ( CROSSING TO NELL ) > $ QUITE RIGHT , NELL . $ < ( TO DIEDRE ) > $ DON'T YOU SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT . $ 02 CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND I WANT TO MARRY FRANK NOW . $ 07 < ( RISING ) > $ NOW ? $ 02 I DON'T WANT TO WAIT TILL I 'M THIRTY-FIVE . $ 04 < ( FINALLY ) > $ AND I HAVE TOLD YOU , MY GIRL , THAT I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO MARRY ANYONE , NOT EVEN MR MORE . $ 02 OH , MUMMY , PLEASE . $ 07 NO , DEAR . $ DADDY 'S ALWAYS DONE WHAT HE THOUGHT BEST FOR YOU . $ 04 I 'VE SENT YOU TO THE BEST SCHOOLS AND SHOPS . $ YOU 'VE WANTED FOR NOTHING . $ 07 NOTHING . $ 04 DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT 'S COST ME TO KEEP YOU SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN ? $ 07 AND BEFORE , DEAR . $ THERE WAS NO FREE MILK IN THOSE DAYS . $ 02 I DON'T CARE . $ 04 ONE DAY YOU 'LL HAVE A BABY - THEN YOU 'LL BEGIN TO REALI ZE WHAT IT COSTS . $ FIFTEEN THOUSAND , EIGHT HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIX POUNDS - NE ARLY A THOUSAND A YEAR - THAT 'S WHAT YOU 'VE COST ME UP TO NOW . $ 07 NOT TO MENTION POCKET MONEY . $ 02 FRANK , WILL YOU EXPLAIN ? $ 04 THIS IS A FAMILY MATTER . $ PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN THE OTHER GUESTS , MR MORE ? $ 01 < ( RISING ; EAGERLY ) > $ THANK YOU . $ 02 NO , FRANK - YOU 'VE GOT TO TELL THEM . $ 01 NOT NOW . $ 02 YES , NOW . $ WE CAN'T WAIT . $ 04 WAIT FOR WHAT ? $ 02 TO GET MARRIED . $ TELL THEM , FRANK . $ 04 OF COURSE YOU CAN WAIT . $ GETTING MARRIED 'S NOT LIKE CATCHING A TRAIN . $ 02 I NEVER SAID IT WAS . $ FRANK , YOU 'VE GOT TO TELL THEM . $ 01 LATER . $ 07 YES , GO AND HAVE A LITTLE DANCE TO COOL OFF . $ #38 $ 02 NO . $ 04 IF YOU DO MISS THE TRAIN , YOU CAN ALWAYS CATCH ANOTHER . $ 02 NOT IF YOU 'RE PREGNANT . $ 04 NOT IF YOU 'RE WHAT ? $ 02 PREGNANT . $ 04 WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT ? $ 02 I DID . $ 07 WHY , DEAR ? $ 02 BECAUSE THAT 'S WHAT I AM - PREGNANT . $ 07 PREGNANT ? $ 04 PREGNANT . $ 02 YES , I 'M PREGNANT . $ < ( THERE IS A PAUSE ) > $ 07 HAVE YOU SEEN A DOCTOR ? $ 02 YES . $ 07 ARE YOU SURE ? $ 01 YES , I TOOK HER THERE MYSELF . $ 02 HE WAS A DOCTOR , ALL RIGHT . $ 04 HOW DO YOU KNOW ? $ 02 HE SAID HE WAS A DOCTOR . $ HE 'D GOT A SURGERY AND THERE WERE OTHER PATIENTS AS WELL AS ME . $ 04 SOUNDS LIKE A DOCTOR ALL RIGHT . $ 07 WHAT DID HE SAY ? $ 02 HE SAID I WAS PREGNANT . $ 07 WHEN WAS THIS ? $ 01 A MONTH AGO . $ 07 A MONTH - YOU 'VE KNOWN FOR A MONTH WITHOUT TELLING ME ? $ 02 I TOLD FRANK . $ 07 HOW COULD YOU DO IT , HOW COULD YOU DO IT ? $ 02 DON'T GET UPSET , MUMMY . $ IT 'S QUITE COMMON FOR GIRLS LIKE ME TO HAVE BABIES . $ 07 NOT WITHOUT TELLING THEIR MOTHERS . $ 04 < ( HOLDING NELL'S HAND ) > $ I KNOW THAT SEVENTEEN PER CENT MORE GIRLS ARE HAVING BABIES THAN BEFORE THE WAR , BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER FOR YO UR MOTHER . $ 07 IF ONLY YOU 'D TOLD ME . $ 02 I KNEW HOW UPSET YOU 'D BE . $ 04 WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US ? $ 02 WE HOPED TO GET MARRIED AND THEN YOU NEED NEVER HAVE KNOW N . $ 04 YOU HOPED TO GET MARRIED ? $ SO YOU KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS ? $ 02 YES , OF COURSE . $ 01 I 'D LIKE TO SAY ... $ 07 < ( CROSSING TO L OF MORE ) > $ MR MORE , I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR ALL THE HELP YOU 'VE GIVEN LITTLE DIEDRE . $ 01 OH , NOT AT ALL . $ #39 $ 07 IF YOU HADN'T TAKEN HER TO THE DOCTOR , HEAVEN KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED . $ 01 IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO . $ 07 < ( GRASPING MORE'S HANDS ) > $ THANK YOU , THANK YOU . $ 02 < ( SHOUTING ) > $ MUMMY , STOP IT ! $ 07 WHAT , DEAR ? $ 02 FRANK IS THE FATHER . $ 07 FRANK ? $ 01 ME . $ I 'M THE FATHER . $ 04 YOU ? $ 01 YES . $ < ( NELL SITS ON THE CHAIR UP R ) > $ 04 YOU ? $ BUT YOU 'RE A SCHOOLMASTER . $ 01 I CAN EXPLAIN THAT , SIR . $ 04 DIEDRE , TAKE YOUR MOTHER IN THE KITCHEN FOR A CUP OF COF FEE . $ 02 WHY , DADDY ? $ 04 BECAUSE I SAY SO . $ I THINK THE MOMENT HAS ARRIVED WHEN MR MORE AND I SHOULD HAV E A FEW WORDS TOGETHER IN PRIVATE . $ 02 DADDY , THIS IS AS MUCH MY FAULT AS FRANK'S . $ 04 < ( ROUSED ) > $ YOU 'RE ONLY SIXTEEN . $ GO ON . $ NELL , TAKE DIEDRE TO THE KITCHEN , AND STAY THERE TILL I RI NG THE BELL . $ 07 < ( RISING ) > $ YES , DEAR . $ COME ALONG , DIEDRE . $ 01 YOU 'D BETTER GO WITH YOUR MOTHER . $ 02 < ( CROSSING TO MORE ) > $ I LOVE YOU , DARLING , THAT 'S ALL THAT MATTERS . $ < ( DIEDRE TAKES NELL'S HAND AND THEY EXIT UP R ) > $ 04 SIT DOWN . $ < ( MORE SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN R ) > $ < ( HE SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN L ) > $ FUNNY MY OFFICE BEING JUST ACROSS THE ROAD FROM ST PAUL'S . $ 01 YES . $ 04 YET I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING YOUR FATHER FALL FROM THE DOM E . $ 01 HE FELL FROM INSIDE . $ 04 OH , THAT EXPLAINS IT . $ YOU DON'T LOOK ALIKE , EITHER . $ 01 NOT PARTICULARLY . $ HOW DID YOU KNOW ? $ 04 YOU 'VE JUST TOLD ME . $ IS THERE ANY FAMILY RESEMBLANCE ? $ 01 I DON'T KNOW . $ HE DIED WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG . $ HE WAS THE SAME HEIGHT AS ME , I DO KNOW THAT . $ 04 HOW HIGH 'S THAT ? $ 01 FIVE FOOT NINE . $ 04 YOU 'RE FIVE FOOT NINE ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 < ( RISING AND MOVING C ; BURSTING OUT ) > $ FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T LIE . $ #40 $ I HATE A LIAR . $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE CHAIR UP R AND SITS ) > $ HOW DID YOU MEET DIEDRE ? $ 01 SHE WAS IN MY CLASS . $ 04 WHAT CLASS IS THAT ? $ MIDDLE , UPPER , WORKING ? $ 01 HISTORY CLASS . $ 04 WHAT ? $ 01 SHE WAS IN MY HISTORY CLASS . $ 04 AT WILLOUGHBY COURT ? $ 01 YES . $ THE LOWER FOURTH . $ 04 YOU MEAN YOU 'RE A MASTER AT HER SCHOOL ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 THAT EXPLAINS IT , THEN . $ DID THE HEADMISTRESS , MISS DOBSON , KNOW ? $ 01 YES , SHE ENGAGED ME . $ 04 < ( FIERCELY ) > $ DID SHE KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR HISTORY FORM ? $ 01 SHE LAID DOWN THE CURRICULUM HERSELF . $ I TAUGHT HISTORY UP TO AND INCLUDING THE BRONZE AGE . $ 04 WHAT ABOUT OTHER SUBJECTS - ARITHMETIC , FRENCH , BIOLOGY AND THE LIKE ? $ 01 NOT IN THE NORMAL WAY . $ 04 WHAT ABOUT THE ABNORMAL WAY ? $ WHAT DID YOU TEACH YOUR PUPILS IN THE ABNORMAL WAY ? $ 01 I KNOW WHAT YOU 'RE THINKING , BUT IT ALL HAPPENED QUITE INNOCENTLY . $ MISS DOBSON ENCOURAGED THE CLOSEST POSSIBLE RELATIONS BETWEE N PUPIL AND TEACHER . $ 04 NOT THAT CLOSE , SURELY ? $ 01 SHE 'D BEEN HEADMISTRESS OF A BOYS' PREPARATORY SCHOOL BE FORE COMING TO WILLOUGHBY . $ HER HUSBAND WAS ONLY FIFTEEN . $ 04 I NEVER KNEW THAT . $ YOU MEAN THAT SKINNY , LITTLE , SPOTTY-FACED BOY IN A TRILBY WAS THE HEADMISTRESS'S HUSBAND ? $ 01 DICK ? $ YES . $ 04 I THOUGHT HE WAS HER SON . $ I GAVE HIM A KICK OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY . $ 01 YES , THAT WOULD BE THE PLACE TO DO IT . $ 04 WELL , OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T TAKE DIEDRE BACK THERE . $ 01 IT WOULD MEAN SHE COULD CONTINUE HER EDUCATION . $ 04 WHAT SORT OF LIKE WOULD IT BE FOR HER , WORRIED TO DEATH WHAT YOU WERE UP TO IN YOUR HISTORY CLASS ? $ 01 SHE 'D BE IN IT HERSELF . $ 04 IT WON'T DO . $ WHO 'D LOOK AFTER THE BABY ? $ IN ANY CASE THERE 'S NO FUTURE FOR YOU AS A SCHOOLMASTER . $ 01 I'M ONLY THIRTY-SIX . $ 04 ONLY THIRTY-SIX ? $ WHOEVER HEARD OF A SCHOOLMASTER WHO WAS GOING TO BE HEAD OF ETON TEACHING HISTORY AT A GIRLS' SCHOOL ? $ 01 THERE ARE OTHER SCHOOLS - WINCHESTER , RUGBY , PLACES LIK E THAT . $ 04 < ( RISING ) > $ THEY DON'T WANT HEADMASTERS LIKE YOU . $ < ( HE MOVES C ) > $ #41 $ I DARE SAY YOU THINK YOU 'RE NO END OF A LAD , WITH YOUR WAR SERVICE . $ 01 NOT AT ALL . $ 04 COMING HOME THE CONQUERING HERO , SEDUCING THE DAUGHTERS AND DRINKING THEIR PARENTS' GIN . $ 01 YOU OFFERED IT TO ME . $ 04 THAT WAS BEFORE I KNEW WHAT HAD HAPPENED . $ AND I SUPPOSE YOU THINK YOU 'RE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT ? $ 01 THERE 'S NO QUESTION OF THAT ... $ 04 YOU 'RE HOPING TO GET OUT OF HERE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE , AND THEN TAKE DIEDRE TO SOME QUIET PLACE WHERE THERE 'S A HIGH CLIFF AND PUSH HER OVER . $ 01 NOT AT ALL . $ 04 YOU WANT TO GO TO EASTBOURNE FOR YOUR HONEYMOON , I DARE SAY , AND TAKE DIEDRE FOR A LITTLE STROLL ON BEACHY HEAD , A ND THEN PUSH HER OVER ALONG WITH ALL THOSE OTHER FOLK . $ 01 WHAT OTHER FOLK ? $ 04 ALL THOSE OLD FOLK WHO LIVE IN EASTBOURNE AND GET PUSHED OFF THE CLIFFS BY THEIR RELATIVES . $ MY GOD ! $ I CAN HARDLY KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU , I 'D LIKE TO CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU , YOU SWINE , YOU FILTHY LOUSY LITTLE UNDERH AND CRAWLING CREEPING LITTLE SWINE . $ 01 I DESERVE THAT , SIR , I KNOW ... $ 04 I 'M NOT FINISHED YET . $ YOU 'RE A TWO-FACED , DOUBLE-DEALING , DIRTY , ROTTEN SEDUCE R , AND IF THERE WAS A CLIFF HERE IN THIS ROOM I DON'T THINK I COULD STOP MYSELF FROM PUSHING YOU OVER . $ 01 I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL , SIR , AND I 'M VERY SORRY . $ WHAT MORE CAN I SAY ? $ AND WHAT MORE CAN I DO THAN MARRY DIEDRE AND MAKE A RESPECTA BLE WOMAN OF HER ? $ 04 THAT 'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH . $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE CHAIR UP L AND SITS ) > $ HOW CAN WE HAVE A WHITE WEDDING ? $ 01 NO-ONE NEED KNOW IF THE DRESS IS A BIG ONE . $ 04 IT SO HAPPENS THAT THE DRESS IS A SMALL ONE . $ 01 YOU 'VE GOT IT ALREADY ? $ 04 SHE 'S GOING TO WEAR HER MOTHER'S AND THAT 'S A SMALL ONE . $ 01 BUT YOUR WIFE 'S QUITE STOUT . $ 04 SHE IS NOW , BUT WHEN I MARRIED HER SHE WAS JUST A BAG OF SKIN AND BONES . $ I LIKE THIN WOMEN . $ I COULDN'T RESIST THEM WHEN I WAS YOUNG . $ NELL WAS THE THINNEST OF THE LOT . $ < ( DANCE MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ < ( HE RISES ) > $ BUT SHE PUT ON WEIGHT WHEN DIEDRE WAS BORN . $ THAT 'S BEEN MY COMPENSATION . $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE STEPS C AND SITS ON THEM ) > $ DIEDRE . $ SIXTEEN - SHE 'S ONLY SIXTEEN , LITTLE MORE THAN A CHILD . $ WHY , IT SEEMS ONLY YESTERDAY I WAS TAKING HER TO HER FIRST CINEMA . $ SHE LOVES THE CINEMA , I HOPE YOU 'LL REMEMBER THAT . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ I 'LL DO MY BEST , SIR . $ < ( HE MOVES AND SITS R OF CROSS ON THE STEPS ) > $ 04 < ( VERY MOVED ) > $ SHE USED TO COME TO MY OFFICE IN THE CITY , AND THEN I 'D TA KE HER FOR A STROLL IN THE SUPERMARKET . $ #42 $ SHE LOVES SUPERMARKETS . $ 01 I 'LL MAKE SURE WE GET A HOUSE NEAR ONE . $ 04 YOU HAVEN'T GOT A HOUSE ? $ 01 NOT YET . $ 04 BUT WHERE WILL YOU LIVE ? $ 01 I 'LL GET AN UNFURNISHED FLAT NEAR A SUPERMARKET TO START OFF WITH . $ 04 MAKE SURE YOU GET ONE WITH A BED IN IT . $ I ALWAYS REMEMBER WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED , WE HAD A LITTL E FLAT IN LEICESTER - WE DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE TOO NEAR THE CE NTRE OF LONDON - AND THERE WAS NO BED . $ I SLEPT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE , AND MY WIFE HAD A CHAIR IN TH E DINING-ROOM . $ THAT WENT ON FOR FIVE YEARS . $ < ( HE CHEERS UP ) > $ AND WE OFTEN HAD THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE STAYING THE NIGHT WITH US - BUT WE DIDN'T CARE , WE JUST LAUGHED IT OFF . $ " PEOPLE COME TO SEE US , NOT THE FLAT , " THAT 'S WHAT WE U SED TO SAY . $ AND IT 'S STILL THE SAME TODAY . $ MY WIFE IS ONE IN A MILLION . $ PEOPLE COME FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TO SEE HER . $ LOOK AT THE WHEELERS - ALL THE WAY FROM EAST GRINSTEAD . $ THAT SHOWS THE SORT OF AFFECTION PEOPLE HAVE FOR ME AND MY W IFE . $ 01 I 'M NOT SURPRISED . $ I CAN SEE FOR MYSELF HOW YOU 'VE SLOSHED THE MONEY AROUND ON THIS COMING-OUT DANCE . $ AND YOU 'VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY KIND TO ME - AND HEAVEN KNOWS I DON'T DESERVE IT . $ 04 IT 'S FOR DIEDRE'S SAKE - EVERYTHING 'S FOR DIEDRE'S SAKE . $ < ( THE MUSIC FADES ) > $ SO FOR DIEDRE'S SAKE ... $ < ( HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND ) > $ 01 < ( SHAKING HANDS WITH CROSS ) > $ THAT 'S VERY DECENT OF YOU . $ < ( CROSS RISES AND MOVES TO THE TELEPHONE UP RC ) > $ 04 I 'LL GET ON TO BENELUX WASHING MACHINES RIGHT AWAY . $ 01 WHAT FOR ? $ 04 TO GET YOU A JOB . $ 01 I 'VE GOT ONE . $ 04 YOU 'VE LOST IT . $ WHEN I TELL MISS DOBSON WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR HISTORY CLASS ... $ < ( HE LIFTS THE RECEIVER ) > $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ WHY SHOULD SHE BE TOLD ? $ 04 < ( DIALLING A NUMBER ) > $ IT 'LL LEAK OUT . $ SHE 'S BOUND TO NOTICE IF DIEDRE LEAVES SCHOOL FOR THE SUMME R TERM AND COMES BACK MARRIED WITH A TWO-MONTH-OLD BABY . $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ MR ROBINSON , PLEASE ... $ 01 < ( MOVING TO CROSS ) > $ WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? $ 04 GETTING YOU A JOB SELLING WASHING MACHINES . $ 01 I CAN'T DO THAT . $ 04 WHY NOT ? $ NOTHING TO IT . $ GET YOURSELF A PAIR OF SUEDE SHOES AND CAVALRY TWILL TROUSER S . $ 01 BUT I PROMISED MY MOTHER I 'D BE A HEADMASTER . $ 04 SHE 'S DEAD , ISN'T SHE ? $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ HULLO , BILLY ; MILES HERE ... $ HOW 'D YOU LIKE TO COME TO DIEDRE'S WEDDING ? $ ... $ YES , WE 'VE KEPT IT VERY DARK ... $ 01 PLEASE , MR CROSS ... $ 04 < ( TO MORE ) > $ SHUT UP ! $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ NOT FIXED YET , BUT IT 'LL BE SOMEWHERE LIKE MARYLEBONE TOWN HALL ... $ OH , YES , A WHITE WEDDING ... $ AND IT 'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO MEET THE BRIDEGROOM - FRANK MORE - HE WANTS TO SELL WASHING MACHINES FOR YOU ... $ $ TOMORROW ? $ ... $ RIGHT , I 'LL SEND HIM ALONG ... $ WHERE TO ? $ ... $ UNDER THE CLOCK IN EUSTON STATION ... $ RIGHT , I 'LL TELL HIM ... $ CHEERIO , BILLY . $ < ( HE REPLACES THE RECEIVER ) > $ 01 MR CROSS , IT 'S VERY KIND OF YOU , VERY KIND , BUT ... $ 04 NOT AT ALL , NOW YOU 'RE ONE OF THE FAMILY . $ < ( HE LIFTS THE RECEIVER AND DIALS A NUMBER ) > $ HOW MUCH DO YOU EARN AT WILLOUGHBY ? $ 01 FIVE HUNDRED A YEAR . $ 04 YOU 'LL GET TEN TIMES THAT SELLING WASHING MACHINES . $ 01 BUT I 'M THIRTY-SIX . $ < ( HE MOVES LC ) > $ ALL MY LIFE I 'VE WANTED TO BE A SCHOOL HEADMASTER . $ 04 ALL MY LIFE I WANTED TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST - $ < ( HE SITS ON THE CHAIR UP R ) > $ BUT I 'M TOO OLD NOW , AND NELL WOULD NEVER MAKE IT . $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ HULLO ... MISS DOBSON , PLEASE ... $ 01 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HER ? $ < ( HE CROSSES AND SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWN R ) > $ 04 WHAT DO YOU THINK I 'M GOING TO TELL HER ? $ I 'M GOING TO GET A REFUND . $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ MISS DOBSON ? $ ... $ MR CROSS HERE - DIEDRE CROSS'S FATHER ... $ IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT MY DAUGHTER IS SEVEN MONTHS GONE ... $ NOT AT HOME , IN YOUR SCHOOL - DURING HISTORY LESSONS ... $ ONE OF THEM , AT ANY RATE ... $ FRANK MORE . $ HE WON'T BE COMING BACK , AND NEITHER WILL DIEDRE , AND I SH ALL EXPECT A CHEQUE IN THE NEXT POST ... $ I WANT A REFUND , OF COURSE ... $ WHAT ? $ ... $ I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD A MATERNITY WING YOU 'VE GOT , I WANT A REFUND . $ < ( HE REPLACES THE RECEIVER ) > $ NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE IT . $ A REGULAR " DO THE GIRLS " HALL . $ 01 MR CROSS , I COULD STILL BE A HEADMASTER AT SOME OTHER SC HOOL . $ 04 WHERE ? $ A REFORM SCHOOL ? $ 01 PERHAPS . $ 04 THEY WOULDN'T HAVE YOU . $ 01 WHAT ABOUT SCOTLAND ? $ 04 YOU 'RE NOT SCOTTISH , ARE YOU ? $ 01 NO , NOT YET . $ 04 THEN YOU CAN'T GO TO GORDONSTOUN OR LORETTO . $ 01 MY MOTHER WOULD ... $ 04 YOUR MOTHER 'S DEAD . $ AND IF SHE TURNS IN HER GRAVE THAT 'S HER FUNERAL . $ < ( DIEDRE ENTERS UP C ) > $ 02 DADDY , MUMMY SAYS YOU 'RE TO COME AT ONCE , SHE DOESN'T FEEL WELL . $ #44 $ 04 < ( RISING AND MOVING TO DIEDRE ) > $ WHAT 'S WRONG WITH HER ? $ 02 I DON'T KNOW . $ SHE SAYS HER NOSE IS BLEEDING , AND SHE 'S LYING ON THE KITC HEN TABLE . $ 04 HER NOSE IS BLEEDING ? $ OH , WELL , I 'D BETTER PUT ON A TOURNIQUET . $ < ( CROSS EXITS UP C . $ DIEDRE MOVES THE CHAIR UP R , PUTS IT L OF MORE , AND SITS ) > $ 02 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT , DARLING ? $ 01 < ( SUNK IN GLOOM ) > $ OH , YES . $ 02 MUMMY 'S QUITE ALL RIGHT , REALLY , I JUST SAID THAT TO G ET RID OF DADDY . $ IS EVERYTHING GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT ? $ 01 YES . $ I 'M GOING TO SELL WASHING MACHINES . $ YOUR FATHER 'S FIXED IT ALL UP . $ 02 ISN'T DADDY SWEET ? $ WHEN 'S THE WEDDING ? $ 01 I DON'T KNOW . $ BUT IT 'S GOING TO BE WHITE AND THE RECEPTION 'S AT MARYLEBO NE TOWN HALL . $ 02 OH , THAT 'LL BE NICE . $ < ( DANCE MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ 01 LOVELY . $ 02 TELL ME - AM I THE FIRST GIRL YOU 'VE EVER BEEN NAUGHTY W ITH ? $ 01 WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ? $ 02 BECAUSE I DO . $ 01 WELL , THERE WERE ONE OR TWO - ONE TO BE EXACT . $ 02 WHO WAS SHE ? $ 01 YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HER . $ 02 I MIGHT . $ COME ON . $ 01 SHE WAS THE COLONEL'S WIFE . $ 02 WHICH COLONEL'S WIFE ? $ 01 HE WAS THE COLONEL OF MY TRANSIT CAMP . $ HE WAS VERY GOOD TO ME - HE WANTED ME TO STAY ON IN THE ARMY AND BECOME A MAJOR . $ I TURNED IT DOWN BECAUSE I 'D PROMISED MY MOTHER I 'D BE A S CHOOLMASTER . $ 02 YOU 'VE GOT SUCH HIGH IDEALS . $ I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I OUGHT TO TELL YOU . $ 01 GO ON , I CAN STAND ANYTHING NOW . $ 02 YOU 'RE NOT THE FIRST MAN IN MY LIFE . $ 01 REALLY ? $ 02 < ( AFTER A PAUSE ) > $ DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THEY WERE ? $ 01 THEY ? $ 02 IT ISN'T MY FAULT . $ I WAS ONLY ELEVEN WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE POSTMAN . $ 01 I SEE . $ WHO WERE THE OTHERS ? $ 02 THEY WERE MOSTLY TRADESPEOPLE WHO CAME TO THE DOOR , AND FRIENDS OF DADDY'S WHO STAYED THE NIGHT . $ 01 THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU ? $ #45 $ 02 WELL , I WAS THERE , I SUPPOSE . $ BUT THAT 'S ALL PAST NOW . $ THERE 'S ONLY YOU IN MY LIFE . $ I 'M REALLY IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME . $ AREN'T YOU ? $ 01 YES . $ < ( DIEDRE AND MORE KISS . $ CROSS AND NELL ENTER UP C ) > $ 07 YOU 'RE A VERY NAUGHTY GIRL , DIEDRE , TELLING DADDY I WA S ILL . $ HE MADE ME PUT MY HEAD UNDER THE COLD TAP . $ < ( SHE SITS ON THE CHAIR UP L ) > $ 02 WELL , I WANTED TO HAVE FRANK TO MYSELF FOR A BIT . $ 04 YOU 'LL HAVE HIM TO YOURSELF FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE , NOW WE'VE GOT TO HAVE HIM . $ I 'M GOING TO INTRODUCE HIM TO OUR GUESTS . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ OH , I SHOULDN'T BOTHER - REALLY . $ 04 IT 'S NO TROUBLE . $ 07 THEY 'RE PLAYING THE LAST WALTZ , MILES . $ 04 SO THEY ARE . $ WE 'D BETTER GET A MOVE ON . $ < ( HE MOVES UP C AND CLAPS HIS HANDS TO GET SILENCE ) > $ < ( THE DANCE MUSIC CEASES ) > $ FRIENDS , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . $ I 'VE GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE ... $ < ( HE BREAKS OFF ) > $ 07 WHAT 'S WRONG , DEAR ? $ 04 THEY 'VE GONE . $ 07 < ( RISING ) > $ WHO HAVE ? $ 04 OUR GUESTS . $ 07 WITHOUT DANCING THE LAST WALTZ ? $ 04 SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE . $ BUT WHERE ARE THEY IF THEY HAVEN'T GONE ? $ 02 < ( RISING ) > $ THERE 'S ONE . $ < ( SHE DARTS UP C ) > $ 04 WHERE ? $ 02 OVER THERE . $ QUICK , FRANK , RUN AND CATCH HIM . $ 01 HE 'S THE PIANIST . $ 04 SO HE IS . $ HE 'S DRINKING THE REMAINS OF THE SHERRY TRIFLE . $ < ( THEY ALL TURN AND FACE FRONT . $ WALTZ MUSIC IS HEARD . ) > $ 07 < ( AFTER A PAUSE ) > $ WE 'LL DANCE IT , ANYWAY . $ 04 YES , NOT THE FIRST TIME WE 'VE BEEN THE ONLY PEOPLE DANC ING THE LAST WALTZ . $ 07 LET 'S HAVE A CHANGE . $ WILL YOU DANCE WITH YOUR FATHER , DIEDRE , AND PERHAPS ... $ < ( SHE LOOKS AT MORE ) > $ 01 < ( GALLANTLY ) > $ I 'D BE DELIGHTED . $ 04 DIEDRE ? $ 02 DADDY . $ < ( THE TWO COUPLES DANCE ) > $ #46 $ 04 DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING , MY DARLING . $ I 'LL MAKE SURE HE GIVES YOU WHAT YOU WANT . $ 02 THANK YOU , DADDY . $ CAN I HAVE EVERYTHING THAT MUMMY 'S GOT TO START OFF WITH ? $ 04 I 'LL ORDER IT FOR YOU TOMORROW . $ < ( CROSS AND DIEDRE STOP DANCING AND EXIT UP L ) > $ 07 YOU DANCE LIKE A DREAM , MR MORE - FRANK . $ 01 IN A DREAM ? $ 07 I EXPECT THAT , TOO . $ WHERE WILL YOU TAKE DIEDRE FOR HER HONEYMOON , OR IS THAT A SECRET ? $ 01 I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT . $ SOMEWHERE BY THE SEA , I EXPECT , WHERE THE BABY CAN GET SOM E SUN . $ 07 AND AIR . $ 01 YES . $ I THOUGHT OF EASTBOURNE . $ 07 EASTBOURNE . $ THAT 'S WHERE WE WENT ON OUR HONEYMOON . $ OH , I LOVE EASTBOURNE . $ WHEN THE TIDE 'S OUT YOU CAN GO UP ON TOP OF THE CLIFFS . $ 01 YES , THAT 'S WHAT I THOUGHT . $ 07 AS A MATTER OF FACT , MY HUSBAND TOOK ME UP THERE - RIGHT UP ABOVE BEACHY HEAD . $ AND DO YOU KNOW , HE TRIED TO PUSH ME OVER ? $ 01 DID HE ? $ 07 I WOULDN'T LET HIM , OF COURSE . $ 01 I SHAN'T PUSH DIEDRE OVER - I 'LL LET HER DROWN . $ < NELL GIVES MORE'S CHEEK A PLAYFUL TAP . $ THEY CONTINUE DANCING AS THE LIGHTS DIM TO BLACK-OUT AND - T HE CURTAIN FALLS > $ #47 $ < ACT III > $ < SCENE - THE SCACE'S LIVING-ROOM . $ TEN YEARS LATER . $ THE ROSTRUM AREA IS CONSIDERABLY REDUCED AND THE LIVING-ROOM IS SET DOWN STAGE OF IT . $ THE ROSTRUM HAS STEPS ABOVE AND BELOW IT . $ AN ASPIDISTRA IN A POT IS ON THE SHELF UP RC . $ A SHELF HAS BEEN FITTED BETWEEN THE UPRIGHTS UP LC AND THERE IS A VASE ON IT . $ THERE IS A SMALL CARPET DOWN LC ON WHICH IS SET A SOFA WITH MATCHING ARMCHAIR R AND L OF IT . $ A SMALL COFFEE-TABLE IS R OF THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA AND THERE IS A PIANO STOOL DOWN L . $ RC IS A TABLE , COVERED WITH A CLOTH , USED AS A DESK . $ IT HAS A TELEPHONE ON IT AND A WASTE-PAPER BASKET UNDER IT . $ THERE ARE COAT-HOOKS ON THE UPRIGHTS UP C . $ A CHANDELIER IS SUSPENDED OVER THE SETTING . $ WHEN THE CURTAIN RISES , THE SCREEN SHOWS A LIVING-ROOM INTE RIOR WITH A LARGE WINDOW THROUGH WHICH CAN BE SEEN A GARDEN FULL OF DOGGY GRAVESTONES . $ ON THE COFFEE-TABLE THERE IS A CARRY-COT PILED HIGH WITH GRO CERIES . $ THE LIGHTS COME UP ON THE FULL STAGE AREA . $ MORE IS SEATED ON THE SOFA . $ HE IS WRAPPED IN A BLANKET . $ DIEDRE IS SEATED ON THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA . $ DIEDRE MAKES UP HER LIPS AND DRIES THEM WITH A TISSUE , WHIL E MORE TRIES TO LIGHT A CIGARETTE WITH A DAMP BOX OF MATCHES . $ DIEDRE RISES , DISPOSES OF THE TISSUE IN THE WASTE-PAPER BAS KET , MOVES TO THE CARRY-COT AND TAKES FROM IT A LARGE BOX O F MATCHES WHICH SHE THROWS IMPATIENTLY TO MORE BEFORE RETURN ING TO THE ARMCHAIR R OF SOFA . $ MORE LOOKS RESENTFUL RATHER THAN GRATEFUL AS HE CATCHES THE MATCH-BOX AND LIGHTS HIS CIGARETTE . $ 01 I ONLY WISH I HAD DONE WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID TEN YEARS AG O . $ 02 WHAT WAS THAT ? $ 01 GONE TO EASTBOURNE AND JUMPED OFF BEACHY HEAD . $ 02 YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THE NERVE . $ I 'M GLAD MUMMY CAN'T SEE US NOW . $ 02 NEVER MIND , DIEDRE , I DID MY BEST TO COMMIT SUICIDE TOD AY AND I FAILED . $ 02 AND ON OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY - TEN YEARS , AND OF ALL T HE DAMN SILLY THINGS TO DO . $ WHAT IS THE POINT OF JUMPING INTO THE SERPENTINE IF YOU CAN SWIM AND THERE 'S ONLY THREE FEET OF WATER . $ 01 I ONLY DID IT FOR MY CHILDREN . $ I THOUGHT AT LEAST THEY WOULD GET MY LIFE INSURANCE POLICY . $ 02 THEY DON'T GIVE IT TO SUICIDES . $ IF YOU HAD TAKEN THE CAR ON TO THE M-ONE THERE MIGHT HAVE BE EN SOME SENSE IN IT . $ < ( MISS CLEGG ENTERS R AND CROSSES TO C ) > $ 14 MR ROBINSON 'S JUST BRINGING THE WASHING MACHINE . $ 02 HE 'S NOT BRINGING THAT BEASTLY THING IN HERE , SURELY ? $ IT 'S HALF THE REASON OUR MARRIAGE BROKE UP . $ #48 $ 14 IT 'S THE REASON HE TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE . $ HE 'S GOT TO BE MADE TO FACE IT . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ IS THAT WHY MY WIFE 'S HERE ? $ 14 YES , YOU 'VE GOT TO FACE HER , TOO . $ < ( THE TELEPHONE RINGS ) > $ < ( SHE GOES TO THE TELEPHONE AND LIFTS THE RECEIVER . $ INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ SCACE'S SUICIDE SANCTUARY ... $ DADDY , DADDY , YOU 'VE GOT TO COME HOME RIGHT AWAY , I 'VE GOT MR MORE HERE ... $ YES , MY BOSS . $ WHEN I GOT TO THE OFFICE THIS MORNING , I FOUND HIM SOAKED T O THE SKIN SITTING IN HIS VAN WITH A GUN IN HIS HAND ... $ YES , ISN'T IT EXCITING ? $ ... $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ HE 'S LONGING TO MEET YOU . $ < ( THE FRONT-DOOR BELL RINGS ) > $ OH , THAT 'LL BE MR ROBINSON . $ WOULD YOU MIND LETTING HIM IN , MRS MORE ? $ I 'LL LOOK AFTER THE BABY . $ < ( DIEDRE RISES AND EXITS DOWN R ) > $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ I RANG MRS MORE RIGHT AWAY , SO SHE 'S HERE , TOO , AND MR R OBINSON , OUR AREA MANAGER ... $ YES , QUITE A PARTY . $ MR ROBINSON SAYS WE MUST GET MR MORE ON HIS FEET BY LUNCHTIM E , OR HE 'LL BE SACKED . $ ISN'T IT EXCITING ? $ ... $ MUMMY 'S OUT WITH THE DOG , SO HURRY UP ... $ ALL I KNOW IS THAT MR MORE CAN'T SELL HIS QUOTA OF WASHING M ACHINES AND HE DOESN'T GET ON WITH HIS WIFE ... $ RIGHT , DADDY ? $ < ( SHE REPLACES THE RECEIVER AND TURNS TO MORE ) > $ HE 'S ON HIS WAY . $ 01 THERE 'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO FOR ME . $ 14 YOU DON'T KNOW MR SCACE . $ COME AND SIT DOWN . $ < ( SHE MOVES TO THE SOFA AND SITS , AT THE LEFT END OF IT ) > $ < ( MORE SITS R OF MISS CLEGG ON THE SOFA ) > $ I WAS THE SAME AS YOU ONCE . $ HE FOUND ME ON THE STREETS WHEN I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A TEE NAGER - BROUGHT ME HOME AND ADOPTED ME . $ 01 I DON'T WANT TO BE ADOPTED . $ 14 HE 'LL GET YOU BACK TO NORMAL . $ IN NO TIME AT ALL ALL YOUR TROUBLES WILL BE LITTLE ONES . $ HE 'S A RAY OF SUNSHINE . $ THAT 'S WHAT OUR SIGN IN THE WINDOW IS - A RAY OF SUNSHINE . $ < ( JACK ROBINSON AND DIEDRE ENTER DOWN R . $ ROBINSON IS PUSHING A LARGE WASHING MACHINE , WRAPPED IN BRO WN PAPER AND LABELLED ) > $ 11 GIVE ME A HAND , MORE , THIS WEIGHTS A TON . $ 02 COME ON , FRANK , IF YOU WON'T HELP ME AT LEAST HELP MR R OBINSON . $ < ( MORE RISES , CROSSES TO R AND HELPS TO PUSH THE MACHINE ) > $ HE 'D RATHER COMMIT SUICIDE THAN DO A DECENT DAY'S WORK . $ I HAVE TO SCRIMP AND SAVE WHILE HE 'S ... $ 11 YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME . $ HE HASN'T SOLD ONE BENELUX SINCE WE PUT HER ON THE MARKET . $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ PUSH , MAN , NOT PULL . $ #49 $ 01 SORRY . $ < ( ROBINSON AND MORE SET THE WASHING MACHINE DOWN R ) > $ 14 SIT DOWN , MRS MORE . $ < ( DIEDRE SITS IN THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA ) > $ 11 THE SALES MANAGER 'S DOWN AT THE OFFICE NOW . $ GOD KNOWS WHAT HE 'LL SAY WHEN HE FINDS I 'VE BEEN COOKING T HE BOOKS . $ 01 BLAME ME - I DON'T MIND . $ 11 I 'LL STILL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE . $ LISTEN , MORE , YOU 'VE GOT TO PULL YOUR FINGER OUT . $ LEAVE THE MACHINE ALONE WHEN I 'M TALKING TO YOU . $ YOU TOLD ME YOU 'D GOT AN ORDER FOR FIVE HUNDRED OF THESE FR OM THE CHINESE LAUNDRETTE . $ 02 IS THAT TRUE , FRANK . $ 01 YES . $ I WAS GOING TO GIVE A FINAL DEMONSTRATION THIS AFTERNOON . $ < ( TO ROBINSON ) > $ BUT HOW CAN I DEMONSTRATE A MACHINE WHEN IT DOESN'T WORK PRO PERLY ? $ 11 WHY NOT ? $ ALL THE OTHER SALESMEN DO . $ 01 THEY HAVEN'T GOT MY INTEGRITY . $ 11 YOU DON'T NEED INTEGRITY TO SELL A WASHING MACHINE . $ 01 BUT SOMETHING 'S ALWAYS GOING WRONG WITH IT . $ 11 OF COURSE IT IS . $ WHAT 'S THE POINT OF A FULL GUARANTEE AND AFTER SALES SERVIC E IF THE MACHINE 'S PERFECT ? $ IF IT WAS WE 'D ALL BE MILLIONAIRES . $ < ( THE SOUND OF A FACTORY HOOTER IS HEARD ) > $ I 'M TELLING YOU , FRANK , IF THE SALES MANAGER FINDS OUT TH E CHINESE ORDER HASN'T GONE THROUGH WE 'LL BOTH BE FINISHED . $ AND IF I 'M FINISHED , YOU NEEDN'T BOTHER TO JUMP IN THE SER PENTINE - I 'LL TAKE YOU WITH ME OFF TOWER BRIDGE . $ < ( HE TURNS TO GO ) > $ 14 < ( RISING AND CROSSING TO RC ) > $ MR ROBINSON , MR ROBINSON , SIR ? $ 11 < ( STOPPING AND TURNING ) > $ YES , MISS CLEGG ? $ 14 DON'T DO ANYTHING SILLY , WILL YOU ? $ 11 DON'T WORRY , I 'LL RING YOU FIRST . $ < ( ROBINSON EXITS R . $ MISS CLEGG MOVES TO THE CARRY-COT AND LOOKS IN IT ) > $ 14 HOW 'S THE BABY , MRS MORE ? $ 02 HE 'S ITCHING ALL OVER AND HE 'S GOT GERMAN MEASLES . $ 01 GERMAN MEASLES ? $ HOW DID HE GET THEM ? $ 02 FROM YOU , I EXPECT . $ I WISH TO GOD I 'D NEVER MARRIED YOU . $ 01 SO DO I . $ 14 OH , DON'T SAY THAT . $ 01 I 'D PROBABLY BE HEADMASTER OF ETON NOW , INSTEAD OF SELL ING DUD WASHING MACHINES . $ 02 IF I HADN'T MARRIED YOU , YOU 'D BE STARVING . $ 14 < ( TO MORE ) > $ PLEASE SIT DOWN . $ #50 $ 01 AT LEAST I 'D BE DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT . $ 02 YOU THINK IT 'S MORE IMPORTANT TO BE A SCHOOLMASTER THAN SELL WASHING MACHINES ? $ 01 YES , I DO . $ 14 BUT , MR MORE , YOU 'RE SO WRONG . $ YOU ASK ANY HOUSEWIFE WHICH SHE 'D RATHER HAVE IN HER BACK K ITCHEN , A WASHING MACHINE OR THE HEADMASTER OF ETON - SHE ' LL SOON TELL YOU . $ 01 IT 'S NO GOOD , MISS CLEGG , I 'M FINISHED . $ 14 OH , PLEASE LET DADDY HELP YOU . $ HE 'S SEEN LOTS OF PEOPLE FAR WORSE OFF THAN YOU ARE , HE RE ADS METERS FOR THE GAS BOARD . $ THAT 'S WHY HE STARTED THIS SANCTUARY . $ SOMETIMES HE HARDLY DARES KNOCK AT THE DOOR , FOR FEAR OF FI NDING ONE OF HIS CUSTOMERS WITH HIS HEAD IN THE OVEN . $ 02 < ( RISING ; TO MORE ) > $ IF YOU 'RE NOT GOING , I AM . $ I 'M LEAVING YOU , FRANK , FOR GOOD . $ < ( SHE PICKS UP THE CARRY-COT ) > $ 01 ALL RIGHT , GOOD-BYE . $ GIVE MY LOVE TO THE POSTMAN . $ 14 YOU MUSTN'T GO TILL YOU 'VE SEEN DADDY . $ HE 'S GONE TO NO END OF TROUBLE TO MAKE THIS A SANCTUARY FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU . $ 02 FRANK 'S YOUR PATIENT , NOT ME . $ < ( SHE PUTS THE CARRY-COT ON THE TABLE ) > $ < ( THE FRONT-DOOR BELL RINGS ) > $ 14 HERE 'S DADDY NOW . $ < ( SHE PUTS A HAND ON DIEDRE'S ARM ) > $ IF YOU 'D JUST LIKE TO ... $ 02 PLEASE LET GO OF ME . $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO L ) > $ 14 MRS MORE , YOU DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE THE AMOUNT OF TIME - $ < ( MR SCACE ENTERS R WEARING GAS BOARD UNIFORM AND CARRYING A BAG ) > $ - ENERGY AND TROUBLE THAT HAS GONE INTO MAKING THIS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ... $ < ( SHE TURNS TO SCACE ) > $ OH , DADDY , YOU 'RE JUST IN TIME . $ < ( SCACE SURVEYS THE SCENE THEN CROSSES TO L AND SHAKES HAN DS WITH DIEDRE ) > $ 02 HOW DO YOU DO ? $ < ( SCACE CROSSES AND SHAKES HANDS WITH MORE ) > $ 01 HOW DO YOU DO ? $ 05 < ( MOVING C ) > $ WELCOME TO SUICIDE SANCTUARY . $ AUNTIE 'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT YOU . $ SIT DOWN , MRS MORE , IT 'S LIBERTY HALL HERE . $ < ( DIEDRE SITS ON THE SOFA , AT THE LEFT END OF IT ) > $ 01 AUNTIE ? $ 05 YES . $ I EXPECT YOU CALL HER " MISS CLEGG " . $ < ( TO DIEDRE ) > $ YOU 'LL STAY FOR LUNCH , OF COURSE ? $ 02 WELL , I ... $ 05 SLIP OUT AND GET SOMETHING , AUNTIE - BAKED BEANS , ANYTH ING YOU LIKE . $ #51 $ 14 I DON'T LIKE BAKED BEANS . $ 05 SARDINES , THEN . $ TELL MUMMY WE 'VE GOT VISITORS , AUNTIE . $ 14 RIGHT , DADDY . $ < ( SHE TURNS TO GO ) > $ 05 AND PUT THE COFFEE ON . $ < ( MISS CLEGG EXITS UP L ) > $ SIT DOWN , MR MORE . $ < ( MORE SITS IN THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA ) > $ 02 I THOUGHT MISS CLEGG WAS YOUR ADOPTED DAUGHTER . $ 05 THAT 'S RIGHT . $ < ( HE SITS R OF DIEDRE ON THE SOFA ) > $ WE DIDN'T WANT HER TO GROW UP THINKING WE WERE HER REAL PARE NTS , SO WE CALLED HER " AUNTIE " RIGHT FROM THE START . $ IT 'S OFTEN A TERRIBLE SHOCK WHEN CHILDREN LEARN THE TRUTH . $ HOW MANY HAVE YOU GOT , MRS MORE ? $ 02 FIVE . $ 05 ALL ADOPTED ? $ 02 NO , THEY 'RE ALL OUR OWN . $ 01 AS FAR AS I KNOW . $ 02 WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT ? $ 05 < ( RISING ) > $ NOW , NOW , DON'T LET 'S HAVE ANY QUARRELS . $ THE FIRST THING WE 'VE GOT TO DO IS TO BRING YOU TWO TOGETHE R. $ YOU CHANGE PLACES WITH ME , MR MORE , AND SIT NEXT TO YOUR W IFE . $ < ( MORE RISES , CROSSES AND SITS R OF DIEDRE ON THE SOFA ) > $ < ( HE SITS IN THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA ) > $ THAT 'S BETTER . $ NOW WHY DON'T YOU GET A DIVORCE ? $ 02 IT COSTS TOO MUCH . $ 05 NEVER MIND , WE 'LL THINK OF SOMETHING , DON'T YOU WORRY . $ < ( HE RISES ) > $ DO YOU KNOW MY WIFE ? $ 01 NOT YET . $ 05 SHE 'S OUT IN THE GARDEN AIRING THE DOG . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ OH , YES . $ < ( SCACE TURNS AND LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW UP C ) > $ 05 < ( CALLING ) > $ ROVER ! $ THERE SHE IS NOW . $ ROVER , DEAR . $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ SHE 'S OVER BY THAT TREE WITH HER LEG UP . $ < ( HE CALLS ) > $ ROVER ! $ 08 < ( OFF ; CALLING ) > $ IS THAT YOU , MILES ? $ 05 < ( CALLING ) > $ YES , IT 'S ME . $ I 'VE GOT VISITORS FOR YOU . $ 08 < ( OFF ) > $ FOR ME ? $ OH , GOOD . $ I WON'T BE A MINUTE . $ 05 SIT DOWN , MR MORE - TAKE YOUR BLANKET OFF . $ OR TAKE YOUR BLANKET OFF AND SIT DOWN , WHICH EVER YOU PREFE R . $ 01 I THINK I 'LL JUST TAKE MY BLANKET OFF . $ < ( SCACE HELPS MORE TO REMOVE THE BLANKET ) > $ 05 IT 'S UP TO YOU - WE 'RE LIBERTY HALL HERE . $ YOU CAN SIT DOWN LATER ON IF YOU LIKE . $ 01 THANK YOU . $ < ( HE PUTS THE BLANKET OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA ) > $ 05 WOULD YOU LIKE TO HANG UP YOUR DRESS , MRS MORE ? $ #52 $ 02 NO , THANK YOU . $ DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS " MILES " , MR SCACE . $ 05 MY WIFE SAID THAT , YES . $ 02 MY FATHER HAS THE SAME NAME . $ 05 WHAT A COINCIDENCE . $ BUT WE 'RE NO RELATION , I 'M SURE . $ 02 WHAT A PITY . $ 01 IS " ROVER " THE NAME OF YOUR WIFE , SIR ? $ 05 YES . $ UNUSUAL NAME FOR A GIRL , ISN'T IT ? $ SHE 'S REALLY CALLED " MAUREEN " , BUT I HAD A DOG CALLED RO VER BEFORE I WAS MARRIED . $ HE WAS UTTERLY DEVOTED TO ME , SO I CALLED MY WIFE " ROVER " TO PERPETUATE HIS MEMORY . $ WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN NOW ? $ 01 THANK YOU . $ < ( HE SITS R OF DIEDRE ON THE SOFA ) > $ 05 < ( SITTING IN THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA ) > $ LAST YEAR I GAVE HER A DOG FOR CHRISTMAS , SO SHE CALLED IT " MAUREEN " , WHICH WORKS VERY WELL WE FIND . $ < ( MRS SCACE , KNOWN AS " ROVER " , ENTERS R ) > $ 08 < ( AS SHE ENTERS ) > $ MILES . $ 05 < ( RISING ) > $ AH , HERE SHE IS . $ < ( MORE AND DIEDRE RISE ) > $ COME IN , ROVER . $ I 'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MR AND MRS MORE . $ 08 OH , HOW DO YOU DO , MR AND MRS MORE . $ I HOPE YOU 'RE ENJOYING YOUR VISIT . $ 05 I 'M AFRAID NOT , ROVER . $ MR AND MRS MORE DON'T HIT IT OFF . $ 08 HIT WHAT OFF , DEAR ? $ DO SIT DOWN , MR MORE AND MRS MORE AND ME - $ < ( TO SCACE ) > $ AND YOU . $ < ( SHE CROSSES AND SITS IN THE ARMCHAIR L OF THE SOFA ) > $ < ( DIEDRE , MORE AND SCACE RESUME THEIR SEATS ) > $ 05 MRS MORE 'S SO WORRIED ABOUT HER WASHING MACHINE SHE TRIE D TO JUMP INTO THE SERPENTINE . $ 08 REALLY ? $ 02 ACTUALLY IT WASN'T ME - IT WAS MY HUSBAND . $ 08 YOUR HUSBAND ? $ HOW LIKE A MAN . $ I HAVE A WASHING MACHINE MYSELF , AND SOMETIMES IT DRIVES MY HUSBAND QUITE MAD . $ 05 YES . $ I CAN NEVER GET IT TO WORK . $ 08 WELL , I ALWAYS SAY A WASHING MACHINE 'S LIKE A DOG - IT 'S ONLY GOT ONE MASTER . $ 05 YOU 'VE GOT A MAGIC TOUCH , THAT 'S ALL IT IS , ROVER . $ 08 BUT IT 'S SO DISOBEDIENT . $ AS SOON AS MY BACK 'S TURNED - OFF IT GOES INTO THE GARDEN O R BACKYARD , AND I HAVE TO CHASE ROUND AND FIND IT . $ AND THEN IT BRINGS THINGS INTO THE HOUSE AND MAKES THE PLACE SUCH A MESS . $ YOU SEE THERE ... $ < ( SHE POINTS ) > $ 05 WHAT IS IT , ROVER ? $ 08 THERE 'S A MUDDY MARK ON THE CARPET . $ 02 OH , REALLY , FRANK ! $ #53 $ 01 I 'M SO SORRY , I MUST HAVE TROD ON YOUR FLOWER-BED . $ < ( HE RISES ) > $ 08 IT 'S NOT YOUR FAULT - IT 'S EASILY DONE IF YOU DON'T KNO W WHERE IT IS . $ WOULD YOU MIND TAKING OFF YOUR SHOES , THOUGH ? $ 01 NOT AT ALL . $ 08 SIT ON THE PIANOLA STOOL WHERE YOU GET THE LIGHT . $ < ( MORE CROSSES TO THE STOOL DOWN L , SITS AND REMOVES HIS SHOES ) > $ 02 HE 'S JUST THE SAME AT HOME - MESS , MESS . $ 05 ROVER 'S SO HOUSEPROUD . $ DO YOU KNOW SHE VACUUMS THE UNDERFELT EVERY DAY ? $ 02 REALLY ? $ 08 < ( RISING ) > $ AND THE BACKS OF THE EASY CHAIRS . $ LEAN BACK , MRS MORE , AND YOU 'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN . $ < ( DIEDRE LEANS BACK ) > $ < ( SHE SITS R OF DIEDRE ON THE SOFA ) > $ DOESN'T IT MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE ? $ 02 YES , IT 'S MUCH BETTER . $ 05 I THINK SHE 'S GOT SOMETHING , DON'T YOU , MRS MORE ? $ 02 SHE CERTAINLY HAS . $ I MUST TRY IT . $ 08 IF YOU HAVEN'T GOT A VACUUM , A HARD BRUSH WILL DO . $ I USE MAUREEN'S . $ HAVE YOU SEEN HER , MILES ? $ 05 SHE WAS WITH YOU IN THE GARDEN , WASN'T SHE ? $ 08 SHE 'S SOMEWHERE AROUND , THE NAUGHTY LITTLE SCALLYWAG . $ < ( SHE RISES END STANDS BETWEEN THE SOFA AND THE ARMCHAIR R ) > $ EXCUSE ME , I 'LL JUST GO AND LOOK FOR HER . $ IF SHE COMES IN HERE DON'T TOUCH HER WHATEVER YOU DO OR SHE 'LL BITE . $ LOOK AT MY SKIRT , MRS MORE . $ < ( SHE TURNS ROUND AND SHOWS A GREAT PIECE OUT OF THE SKIRT ) > $ SHE DID THAT LAST WEEK AND SHE 'S HIDDEN THE BIT SO I CAN'T REPAIR IT . $ EXCUSE ME . $ < ( SHE MOVES UP C ) > $ 05 < ( RISING AND MOVING TO R OF ROVER ) > $ NEVER MIND THE DOG , ROVER , SHE 'LL BE IN AS SOON AS SHE 'S HUNGRY . $ MAKE SOME COFFEE . $ 08 SHE DOESN'T LIKE COFFEE . $ 05 NOT MAUREEN - MR AND MRS MORE . $ 08 < ( REALIZING ) > $ OH . $ OH , YES . $ < ( SHE MOVES TO R OF THE SOFA ) > $ DO YOU LIKE BISCUITS , MRS MORE ? $ < ( SCACE MOVES TO L OF THE SOFA ) > $ 02 YES , THANK YOU . $ 08 WHAT SORT ? $ 02 I 'M NOT FUSSY . $ 08 I 'VE GOT SOME ASSORTED - THAT SHOULD DO . $ 05 ROVER 'S SO HOSPITABLE . $ IF ANYBODY WANTS ANYTHING , SHE 'LL GO TO NO END OF TROUBLE TO GET IT . $ 08 I THINK YOU 'VE GOT TO BE LIKE THAT THESE DAYS . $ DON'T YOU AGREE , MR MORE ? $ 01 YES . $ 05 MY WIFE 'S JUST A BORN HOSTESS . $ I OFTEN THINK SHE COULD PUT A MAD BULL AT EASE . $ #54 $ 01 YES , I 'M SURE . $ I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU NOW ... $ < ( HE LOOKS TOWARDS THE TELEPHONE ) > $ 08 < ( PEERING INTO THE CARRY-COT ) > $ OH , MILES , IS THIS FOR ME ? $ < ( SHE PULLS OUT A PACKET OF CORNFLAKES ) > $ 05 CORNFLAKES - NO . $ 08 NOT THE CORNFLAKES - THIS LOVELY BOX . $ 05 YOU 'D BETTER ASK MR MORE , IT BELONGS TO HIM . $ 08 DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE IT , MR MORE ? $ 01 I 'M AFRAID IT BELONGS TO MY WIFE . $ 02 I DON'T THINK I CAN PART WITH IT . $ 08 WELL , IF I TIP THE CONTENTS INTO SOMETHING ELSE ... $ < ( SHE STARTS TO UPSET THE CARRY-COT ) > $ 02 NO , NO , DON'T DO THAT . $ THERE 'S A BABY IN THERE . $ 08 A BABY ? $ 05 < ( MOVING ABOVE THE TABLE AND LOOKING INTO THE CARRY-COT ) > $ A BABY ? $ 08 < ( TAKING A RATTLE FROM THE CARRY-COT AND SHAKING IT ) > $ ISN'T HE UGLY ? $ < ( SHE BENDS OVER THE CARRY-COT ) > $ WHO 'S AN UGLY LITTLE BABY , YES , YES , YOU ARE . $ WHY IS HE CRYING ? $ IS HE GETTING HIS FIRST TEETH ? $ 01 NO , CORNS . $ 05 CORNS ALREADY . $ HOW OLD IS HE ? $ 02 SEVEN MONTHS . $ 05 HE 'S GOT BROGUE SHOES ON . $ 01 THEY 'RE TOO BIG BUT WE HOPE HE 'LL GROW INTO THEM . $ < ( MISS CLEGG ENTERS L AND CROSSES UP C ) > $ 14 I 'VE GOT THE SARDINES . $ 05 LEAVE HIM ALONE , ROVER . $ AUNTIE WILL PUT HIM IN THE KITCHEN , MRS MORE . $ HE 'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP THERE . $ < ( HE PICKS UP THE CARRY-COT HANDS IT TO MISS CLEGG ) > $ 02 YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T TROUBLE . $ 05 NO TROUBLE AT ALL . $ AUNTIE LOVES BABIES . $ LAST WEEK SHE EVEN BROUGHT ONE BACK FROM THE SHOPS , DIDN'T YOU , AUNTIE ? $ 14 BUT I HAD TO TAKE IT BACK . $ MAUREEN WAS SO JEALOUS . $ 05 WELL , YOU CAN'T EXPECT A DOG TO UNDERSTAND , CAN YOU ? $ 01 OF COURSE NOT . $ < ( MISS CLEGG EXITS L , WITH THE CARRY-COT ) > $ < ( HE RISES ) > $ I THINK I 'D BETTER BE GOING . $ 08 SIT DOWN , MR AND MRS MORE . $ < ( MORE SITS R OF DIEDRE ON THE SOFA . $ SCACE SITS IN THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA , AND ROVER CROSSES AND SITS IN THE ARMCHAIR L OF THE SOFA ) > $ 05 NOW YOU 'D BETTER TELL US A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF , MR MORE . $ HOW DID YOU GET ON IN THE WAR ? $ 01 I WAS IN THE ARMY . $ 05 DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WAR ? $ 01 YES , THANK YOU . $ I FINISHED UP IN GERMANY . $ #55 $ 05 GERMANY ! $ HOW DID YOU LIKE THE GERMANS ? $ 01 I BEAR THEM NO GRUDGE . $ 05 QUITE RIGHT . $ AFTER ALL , THEY LOST THE WAR , YOU CAN'T GRUDGE THEM THAT . $ THEN WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 01 I BECAME A HISTORY MASTER . $ 05 REALLY ? $ WHAT DID YOU TEACH ? $ 01 HISTORY . $ 08 AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED , MR MORE ? $ 01 I MET DIEDRE , MARRIED HER AND HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN . $ 08 HOW ROMANTIC ! $ IT WAS JUST THE SAME WITH US , WASN'T IT , MILES ? $ 05 YES . $ I REMEMBER MOST VIVIDLY HOW I CAME TO MEET ROVER . $ 08 DO YOU , MILES ? $ 05 I WAS DOING A LOT OF WORK AMONG FALLEN WOMEN AT THE TIME . $ 08 IN LONDON . $ 05 I REMEMBER I WAS WALKING ALONG THE STREET ONE EVENING ... $ 08 IN SOHO . $ 05 YES . $ I 'D JUST HAD A RATHER GOOD MEAL AT A LITTLE ITALIAN YOUTH C LUB I KNEW OF - WHEN I SAW THIS WOMAN . $ 08 ME . $ 05 I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A SECRETARY AT THE TIME , BUT IT 'S NOT EASY TO FIND A FALLEN WOMAN WHO 'S A GOOD SECRETAR Y - IT 'S QUITE EASY TO FIND A SECRETARY WHO 'S ALSO A FALLE N WOMAN , BUT NOT VICE VERSA . $ 01 NO . $ I HAD A SECRETARY ONCE ... $ 05 THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN . $ I RECOGNIZED ROVER FOR WHAT SHE WAS IMMEDIATELY . $ 08 I WAS CARRYING A TYPEWRITER . $ 05 SO WHEN SHE CAME LEVEL WITH ME , I STUCK OUT MY FOOT , TR IPPED HER UP , AND ENGAGED HER ON THE SPOT . $ 08 AND WE WERE MARRIED TEN YEARS LATER . $ 05 WAS IT AS LONG AS THAT , DEAR ? $ 08 YES . $ < ( SHE JUMPS UP ) > $ OH , IT SEEMS ONLY YESTERDAY . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ I REALLY THINK I OUGHT TO BE GOING . $ 08 LET 'S DO IT AGAIN , MILES . $ 05 < ( ALARMED ) > $ DO WHAT , ROVER ? $ 08 SHOW THEM HOW YOU PICKED ME UP . $ 05 I 'M SURE THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT SORT OF THING IN A CONFINED SPACE LIKE THIS . $ 08 I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET , MR MORE ... $ COME ON , MILES - PUT SOME CUSHIONS ON THE FLOOR . $ < ( SCACE , RATHER EMBARRASSED , RISES , TAKES SOME CUSHIONS FROM THE ARMCHAIR AND THE SOFA , AND PUTS THEM ON THE FLOOR ) > $ I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET ... $ 05 NO - YOU WERE OVER THERE ON A CORNER - JUST STANDING . $ #56 $ 08 NO , MILES . $ I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET . $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO R ) > $ 05 WELL , I WAS HERE . $ < ( HE MOVES TO R OF MORE ) > $ EXCUSE ME , MR MORE . $ 01 SO SORRY . $ < ( HE MOVES UP C ) > $ 08 < ( CROSSING TO L ) > $ I CAME ALONG TOWARDS YOU LIKE THIS - CARRYING MY TYPEWRITER - AND THEN WHEN I CAME LEVEL WITH YOU ... $ 05 I STUCK OUT MY FOOT , AND ... $ 08 DOWN I WENT . $ < ( SHE FALLS OVER ) > $ < ( SCACE HELPS ROVER TO HER FEET ) > $ OH , THANK YOU , THANK YOU . $ 05 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT ? $ 08 THAT WAS LOVELY , MILES . $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ NOW YOU DO IT . $ 01 ME ? $ 08 YOU STAND HERE , AND WHEN I COME UP TO YOU - STICK YOUR F OOT OUT . $ 05 NOT TOO HIGH OR YOU 'LL CATCH HER ANKLES . $ 08 IT 'S ALL RIGHT , HE 'S IN STOCKINGED FEET . $ I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME TAKING YOUR HUSBAND , MRS MORE . $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO R ) > $ 02 NO , NOT AT ALL . $ 05 < ( TAKING MORE'S ARM ) > $ STAND A BIT MORE THIS WAY . $ 01 < ( MOVING C ) > $ HERE ? $ 05 THAT 'S IT . $ HE 'S READY NOW , ROVER . $ 08 RIGHT , HERE I COME - HEAD IN THE AIR , NOT NOTICING ... $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO L ) > $ 05 NOW ! $ < ( MORE STICKS OUT HIS FOOT ) > $ 08 LOVELY ! $ < ( SHE FALLS ) > $ THAT WAS LOVELY . $ WHAT A LOVELY TRIP , MILES . $ 01 < ( HELPING ROVER TO HER FEET ) > $ I HOPE I DIDN'T HURT YOU . $ 08 NO , NO . $ NOW IT 'S YOUR TURN , MRS MORE . $ 02 MY TURN ? $ 05 YOUR TURN TO TAKE A TRIP . $ 02 < ( RISING ) > $ I 'M NO GOOD AT FALLING . $ 08 < ( MOVING TO DIEDRE ) > $ DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT - YOU 'VE GOT TO START SOMEWHERE . $ < ( SHE LEADS DIEDRE R ) > $ OVER HERE . $ ARE YOU READY , MILES ? $ 05 YES . $ 08 DON'T LOOK DOWN . $ JUST WALK ORDINARILY - NOT TOO SLOW . $ COME ON , OFF YOU GO . $ 05 COME ON , MRS MORE . $ < ( DIEDRE CROSSES TO L ) > $ THAT 'S PERFECT . $ NOW ! $ < ( HE STICKS OUT HIS FOOT ) > $ < ( DIEDRE DOES NOT FALL ) > $ #57 $ OH , BLAST ! $ < ( DIEDRE EXITS L ) > $ 08 < ( LAUGHING ) > $ YOU MISSED HER , MILES . $ OH , DEAR . $ < ( SHE CALLS ) > $ MRS MORE . $ 05 < ( CALLING AD LIB UNTIL DIEDRE RETURNS ) > $ MRS MORE . $ < ( DIEDRE ENTERS UP L AND MOVES DOWN C ) > $ 02 I 'M SO SORRY - I WALKED TOO FAST . $ 08 NEVER MIND , TRY AGAIN . $ BUT DON'T LOOK DOWN . $ MR MORE , WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND TRIP HER THIS TIME ? $ 01 I 'D RATHER NOT , THANK YOU . $ 05 GO ON , THERE 'S NOTHING TO IT . $ COME ON , MRS MORE , I 'LL GUIDE YOU . $ < ( HE LEADS DIEDRE R ) > $ YOU STAY WITH MR MORE , ROVER . $ READY , EVERYONE ? $ 08 YES . $ 01 READY . $ 08 I 'LL TELL YOU WHEN . $ 05 OFF WE GO THEN , MRS MORE . $ NOT TOO SLOW . $ 08 HEAD IN THE AIR . $ 05 < ( RELEASING DIEDRE ) > $ YOU 'RE ON YOUR OWN NOW . $ < ( DIEDRE CROSSES SLOWLY TOWARDS MORE ) > $ 08 < ( TO MORE ) > $ NOW ! $ < ( MORE TRIPS DIEDRE WHO FALLS WITH A CRY ) > $ < ( SHE CROSSES RO R ) > $ PERFECT ! $ PERFECT , MRS MORE . $ < ( ROVER AND SCACE EMBRACE ) > $ 05 THAT 'S THE BEST YET . $ 02 < ( GETTING TO HER FEET ) > $ I DID IT ! $ I DID IT , FRANK . $ 01 I KNOW , DARLING . $ < ( FOR A MOMENT MORE AND DIEDRE ARE IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS ) > $ 08 LET 'S GET AUNTIE IN AND ... $ 05 NO , NO , ROVER , SHE BROKE HER LEG LAST TIME . $ PICK UP THE CUSHIONS , THEY 'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE . $ 08 YES , OF COURSE . $ < ( SHE PICKS UP THE CUSHIONS AND REPLACES THEM ON THE SOFA ) > $ 05 SIT DOWN , MRS MORE - SIT DOWN , MR MORE . $ 08 HOW DO YOU FEEL ? $ 02 MUCH BETTER , THANK YOU . $ 01 YES , MUCH . $ 08 SIT DOWN , MR MORE . $ AND MRS MORE . $ < ( DIEDRE SITS ON THE SOFA AT THE RIGHT END OF IT . $ MORE SITS L OF DIEDRE ON THE SOFA ) > $ 05 < ( SITTING IN THE ARMCHAIR R OF THE SOFA ) > $ OH , IT 'S A LOVELY GAME . $ MAKE SOME COFFEE , ROVER , I 'M SURE WE 'RE ALL THIRSTY . $ #58 $ 02 THANK YOU . $ 08 < ( MOVING BEHIND THE SOFA ) > $ I WON'T BE A MINUTE . $ I 'LL FETCH THE DOG . $ 02 < ( RISING ) > $ I 'D LIKE A GLASS OF WATER . $ 05 YES . $ TAKE MRS MORE THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN AND SHE CAN FEED THE BA BY AT THE SAME TIME . $ 08 WHAT A GOOD IDEA . $ ARE YOU FEEDING HIM YOURSELF , MRS MORE ? $ 02 NOT IF I CAN GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT . $ < ( ROVER AND DIEDRE EXIT L . $ SCACE RISES , CROSSES AND SITS R OF MORE ON THE SOFA ) > $ 05 WELL , I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL , BUT THAT 'S REALLY CHE ERED ME UP . $ 01 WHERE ARE MY PILLS ? $ 05 < ( TAKING A SMALL BOTTLE OF PILLS FROM HIS POCKET ) > $ HERE , HAVE ONE OF MINE . $ < ( HE GIVES MORE A PILL ) > $ 01 THANK YOU . $ 05 THAT 'LL SOON SETTLE YOUR STOMACH . $ YOU 'RE WORRIED BECAUSE THERE 'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR W ASHING MACHINE , AREN'T YOU ? $ 01 SOMETHING WRONG . $ DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH . $ 05 I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU LAUGH ; A GOOD LAUGH WOULD DO YOU MORE GOOD THAN ALL THE PILLS IN THE WORLD . $ GO ON , HAVE A GOOD LAUGH , THERE 'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD LAU GH . $ 01 < ( LAUGHING ) > $ SOMETHING WRONG . $ 05 < ( GIVING HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO MORE ) > $ HERE , HAVE MY HANKIE . $ < ( MORE WIPES HIS EYES , BLOWS HIS NOSE , THEN HOLDS OUT TH E HANDKERCHIEF TO SCACE ) > $ NO , NO KEEP IT . $ 01 IF YOU DON'T MIND , I THINK I OUGHT TO RING ROBINSON . $ 05 ROBINSON ? $ 01 HE 'S MY AREA MANAGER , HE 'S AS WORRIED AS I AM . $ 05 YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T GET ON WITH YOUR WIFE , EITHER ? $ 01 NO , NO , THE WASHING MACHINE . $ HE BLAMES ME BECAUSE IT WAS MY IDEA WHEN I JOINED THE FIRM T O BUILD THE PERFECT WASHING MACHINE ; A REAL WORLD-BEATER , IT ONLY NEEDS ONE THING PUTTING RIGHT . $ 05 WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT EXACTLY ? $ 01 IF I KNEW , I WOULDN'T BE HERE . $ < ( ROVER ENTERS L CARRYING A PLATE OF BISCUITS AND A BOWL O F LUMP SUGAR ) > $ 08 COFFEE 'S JUST COMING . $ HELP YOURSELF TO BISCUITS AND SUGAR , MR MORE . $ < ( SHE HANDS THE BISCUITS TO MORE AND THE SUGAR TO SCACE ) > $ 01 THANK YOU . $ < ( ROVER EXITS L ) > $ 05 GO ON , TAKE AS MANY AS YOU LIKE . $ #59 $ 01 ONE IS ENOUGH , THANK YOU . $ 05 GO ON , THERE 'S A WHOLE BOX OF THEM UNDER THE BED , TAKE AS MANY AS YOU LIKE . $ 01 THANK YOU . $ 05 THAT 'S THE SPIRIT . $ NOW TELL ME , DO YOU AND YOUR WIFE DISAGREE ABOUT RELIGION ? $ 01 NO , WE ARE BOTH C. OF E. $ 05 C. OF E. ? $ HOW 'S YOUR INNER MAN ? $ 01 I BEG YOUR PARDON ? $ < ( ROVER ENTERS L CARRYING A TRAY OF COFFEE FOR TWO ) > $ 08 WHERE SHALL I PUT IT , MILES ? $ 05 PUT IT OVER HERE , DEAR . $ 08 ON THE FLOOR ? $ 05 < ( INDICATING THE COFFEE-TABLE RC ) > $ NO , NO , ON THIS LITTLE TABLE . $ IF YOU PUT IT ON THE FLOOR , MAUREEN MAY GET IT . $ 08 BETTER PUT IT ON THE TABLE , THEN . $ < ( SHE PUTS THE TRAY ON THE TABLE RC , COLLECTS THE SUGAR A ND BISCUITS AND PUTS THEM ON THE TABLE , THEN SITS IN THE AR MCHAIR R OF THE SOFA . $ MURMURING ) > $ LEGS CLOSE TOGETHER SO HE CAN'T SEE UP MY SKIRT . $ BLACK OR WHITE , MR MORE ? $ 01 WHITE , PLEASE . $ 08 SUGAR IN FIRST ? $ 01 OH , YES , IF YOU LIKE . $ 08 < ( PUTTING SUGAR IN THE CUP ) > $ AND MILK IN SECOND . $ < ( SHE POURS MILK ) > $ NOW THEN , THE COFFEE - $ < ( SHE POURS COFFEE ) > $ FILL IT UP TO THE BRIM , TAKING CARE NOT TO SPILL IT , AND - PASS IT TO THE GUEST FIRST . $ < ( SHE HANDS THE COFFEE TO SCACE ) > $ THERE YOU ARE . $ < ( SCACE HANDS THE COFFEE TO MORE ) > $ 01 THANK YOU . $ 08 WHERE DO YOU COME FROM , MR MORE ? $ 01 I ... $ 08 DOWN , MAUREEN ! $ GET DOWN , YOU NAUGHTY THING . $ SHE 'S AFTER A BISCUIT . $ 01 WHO IS ? $ 05 SHE THINKS THE DOG 'S ON THE FLOOR . $ GIVE HIM ONE , ROVER , HE LIKES BISCUITS . $ 08 ALL RIGHT , JUST ONE . $ BEG FOR IT - UP , UP , UP ! $ THERE YOU ARE , GOOD DOGGY - $ < ( SHE POPS THE BISCUIT INTO HER MOUTH ) > $ GOOD , GOOD , GOOD LITTLE DOGGY . $ BLACK OR WHITE , MILES ? $ 05 BLACK , PLEASE . $ MR MORE'S FATHER-IN-LAW IS CALLED " MILES " . $ 08 < ( POURING COFFEE FOR SCACE ) > $ REALLY ? $ WHERE DO YOU COME FROM , MR MORE ? $ 01 WARWICKSHIRE . $ 08 OH , YES , IS YOUR HOME THERE ? $ < ( SHE HANDS THE COFFEE TO SCACE ) > $ 01 NO , MY HOME IS IN CUMBERLAND , BUT I COME FROM WARWICKSH IRE AS A RULE . $ 08 LOVELY PART OF THE WORLD - SHAKESPEARE'S COUNTRY . $ #60 $ 01 YES . $ 08 HOW MANY CHILDREN HAVE YOU ? $ 01 FOUR OR FIVE . $ THEY 'VE GOT GERMAN MEASLES . $ 08 < ( RISING ) > $ OH , REALLY . $ WE HAD AN AU PAIR GIRL ... $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO L OF THE SOFA . $ TO SCACE ) > $ YOU REMEMBER GRETE , DARLING - SHE CAME FROM HAMBURG , AND S HE GOT GERMAN MEASLES AND DIED . $ AND AS SHE WAS GERMAN , WE HAD TO SEND HER BACK . $ < ( SHE CROSSES BELOW THE SOFA TO C ) > $ NOW , IF YOU 'LL EXCUSE ME , I HAVE TO TAKE THE DOG FOR A WA LK . $ I KNOW MR SCACE HAS A LOT TO SAY TO YOU . $ 01 < ( RISING ) > $ OH , PLEASE DON'T GO . $ 08 < ( MOVING TO MORE ) > $ IT 'S VERY NICE TO HAVE MET YOU , MR MORE . $ < ( SHE SHAKES HANDS WITH MORE ) > $ DOWN , MAUREEN . $ WHERE 'VE YOU HIDDEN MY SKIRT , YOU NAUGHTY DOG ? $ SHE 'D TAKE ALL MY CLOTHES IF I LET HER . $ GOOD-BYE , MR MORE , AND I HOPE WE 'LL SEE A LOT MORE OF YOU . $ < ( ROVER EXITS UP R . $ MORE RESUMES HIS SEAT ) > $ 05 SHE 'S RATHER A DEAR , ISN'T SHE ? $ 01 OH , YES . $ 05 I 'M VERY FOND OF HER , ANYWAY . $ IF YOU WANT ANY MORE BISCUITS , HELP YOURSELF . $ 01 NO , THANK YOU . $ < ( THE TELEPHONE RINGS ) > $ 05 < ( RISING ) > $ EXCUSE ME . $ < ( HE MOVES TO THE TELEPHONE AND LIFTS THE RECEIVER ) > $ YOU CAN STOP WORRYING . $ I 'VE NEARLY GOT YOU SORTED OUT . $ < ( MORE THROWS HIS CUP AND SAUCER TO THE FLOOR , RISES , C ROSSES TO THE WASHING MACHINE AND EXAMINES IT ) > $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ SCACE'S SUICIDE SANCTUARY ... $ I 'M SORRY , I 'M BUSY . $ RING AGAIN IN FIVE MINUTES . $ < ( HE REPLACES THE RECEIVER ) > $ NEVER MIND THE WASHING MACHINE , ROVER 'LL SEE TO THAT IN A MINUTE . $ SHE 'S AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS WITH THEM . $ SHE USED TO WORK IN A LAUNDRETTE . $ 01 < ( WILDLY ) > $ BUT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN DO . $ 05 OF COURSE THERE MUST . $ I 'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT AT THE MOMENT , BUT I PROMISE YOU W E 'RE NEARLY HOME AND DRY . $ IT 'S JUST A MATTER OF GETTING TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM . $ NOW SIT DOWN AND TELL ME ... $ 01 NO , THANK YOU . $ 05 ALL RIGHT , I 'LL SIT DOWN , YOU DO WHAT YOU LIKE . $ < ( HE SITS ON THE DESK-TABLE UP RC ) > $ NOW TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR INNER MAN . $ 01 MY WHAT ? $ 05 YOUR SOUL . $ 01 MY SOUL ? $ 05 YES , IF YOU 'RE C. OF E. , YOU MUST BELIEVE YOU 'VE GOT ONE . $ 01 YES , I SUPPOSE I DO , BUT ... $ 05 NOT THAT I DO MYSELF , BUT I LIKE THE HYMNS . $ GO ON . $ #61 $ 01 < ( CROSSING DOWN L ) > $ WELL , I SUPPOSE DEEP DOWN INSIDE ME ... $ 05 I CAN STILL HELP YOU , EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T BELIEVE THE S AME THINGS . $ 01 THAT 'S VERY KIND OF YOU . $ 05 ONE OF MY MOST SUCCESSFUL CASES WAS MY FISHMONGER - HE BE CAME A RELIGIOUS MANIAC EVERY FRIDAY . $ HE BELIEVED SO STRONGLY IN THE SOUL THAT AT THE MERE MENTION OF DOVER HE 'D FALL ON HIS KNEES AND PRAY . $ WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SAY A PRAYER NOW ? $ < ( HE RISES AND CROSSES TO MORE ) > $ 01 NO , THANK YOU . $ 05 SAY ONE YOURSELF IF YOU LIKE . $ IT 'S LIBERTY HALL HERE . $ 01 < ( CROSSING DOWN R ) > $ NOT JUST NOW , THANK YOU . $ WHAT I 'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT DEEP DOWN INSIDE ME I HATE T HE WHOLE BEASTLY BUSINESS - THE COMPETITION , THE RAT RACE , THE ... $ 05 < ( CROSSING TO C ) > $ YOU MUSTN'T HATE THE RAT RACE - THE HUMAN RACE , YES , BUT N OT ANIMALS . $ 01 I DON'T MEAN THAT . $ I HATE INDUSTRY - WASHING MACHINES . $ 05 YOU CAN'T HATE A WASHING MACHINE , IT 'S NOT A HUMAN BEIN G , IT 'S SIMPLY A MECHANICAL CLEANER . $ IF IT WAS A CHARLADY I COULD UNDERSTAND , BUT I ... $ 01 BUT I DO . $ I DON'T WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR A WASHING MACHINE . $ 05 YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE FOR ONE , SURELY ? $ WHAT 'S THE SENSE IN THAT ? $ 01 WELL , WHAT ELSE CAN I DO ? $ < ( THERE IS A PAUSE ) > $ 05 < ( MOVING TO THE SOFA ) > $ YOU CAN SIT DOWN NOW , MORE - $ < ( MORE SITS ON THE SOFA , AT THE RIGHT END OF IT ) > $ - AND LISTEN TO ME AND I 'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO . $ < ( HE SITS L OF MORE ON THE SOFA ) > $ GIVE UP SELLING WASHING MACHINES AND GO BACK TO TEACHING GEO GRAPHY . $ 01 HISTORY . $ 05 HISTORY , WHATEVER YOU LIKE . $ THE SKY 'S THE LIMIT , THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER . $ 01 < ( BRIGHTENING ) > $ YOU THINK I COULD STILL BE HEADMASTER OF ETON ? $ 05 ETON , HARROW , WINCHESTER , WHATEVER YOU LIKE . $ < ( THE TELEPHONE RINGS ) > $ < ( HE RISES , CROSSES TO THE TELEPHONE AND LIFTS THE RECEIV ER ) > $ EXCUSE ME . $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ SCACE'S SUICIDE SANCTUARY ... $ ROBINSON ? $ ... $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ IT 'S FOR YOU . $ < ( MORE RISES , MOVES TO SCACE AND TAKES THE RECEIVER ) > $ 01 < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ HULLO , FRANK HERE ... $ ROBBIE , I 'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ... $ I 'M GOING TO GIVE UP SELLING WASHING MACHINES AND GO BACK T O TEACHING HISTORY ... $ #62 $ < ( SHOCKED ) > $ ROBBIE ! $ YOU 'RE GOING TO WHAT ? $ ... $ < ( TO SCACE ) > $ HE SAYS HE 'S GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE . $ 05 GOOD - I 'LL TAKE IT . $ < ( HE TAKES THE RECEIVER . $ INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ SCACE'S SUICIDE SANCTUARY . $ NOW , SIR , HOW URGENT IS THIS ? $ ... $ HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TURNED THE GAS ON ? $ ... $ WHAT ? $ ... $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ HE 'S GOT A GUN . $ 01 THAT 'LL BE MINE . $ IT 'S LOADED . $ < ( HE GRABS THE RECEIVER . $ INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ LOOK , ROBBIE , THERE 'S NO NEED TO BE HASTY ... $ OF COURSE I 'LL SELL IT TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY ... $ 05 < ( CALLING ) > $ AUNTIE ! $ 01 NO , NO , DON'T DO THAT , IT 'S ALL RIGHT - EVERYTHING 'S ALL RIGHT ... $ YES , IT WORKS , I 'VE GOT IT TO WORK ... $ 05 WHERE IS HE ? $ 01 WHERE ARE YOU , ROBBIE ? $ ... $ < ( TO SCACE ) > $ HE 'S AT HOME - THIRTY-TWO MILLBANK ROAD . $ < ( SCACE MAKES A NOTE ON THE NOTEPAD ) > $ 05 < ( CALLING ) > $ AUNTIE ! $ 01 < ( CALLING ) > $ AUNTIE ! $ < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ WHAT ? $ ... $ < ( TO SCACE ) > $ HE CAN'T RAISE ANY MORE MONEY . $ HE SAYS HE 'S RUINED . $ < ( MISS CLEGG ENTERS L ) > $ 05 QUICK , AUNTIE , MR MORE'S PARTNER 'S GOT A GUN . $ < ( HE GIVES HER THE NOTE ) > $ HERE 'S THE ADDRESS . $ GET HIM HERE AS QUICK AS YOU CAN . $ 14 RIGHT , DADDY . $ < ( MISS CLEGG CROSSES AND EXITS R ) > $ 01 < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ LOOK , ROBBIE , EVERYTHING 'S FINE . $ I WAS JUST GOING TO DEMONSTRATE IT TO MR SCACE HERE . $ STAY WHERE YOU ARE , A CAR 'S COMING FOR YOU RIGHT AWAY . $ < ( HE REPLACES THE RECEIVER ) > $ 05 < ( CALLING ) > $ ROVER ! $ ROVER ! $ 01 ROBINSON . $ I NEVER THOUGHT HE 'D DO A THING LIKE THAT . $ HE 'S QUITE YOUNG . $ 05 EVERYBODY 'S DOING IT THESE DAYS . $ < ( ROVER ENTERS UP R . $ MORE MOVES TO THE WASHING MACHINE ) > $ 08 I CAN'T FIND MAUREEN ANYWHERE . $ 05 NEVER MIND , ROVER . $ MR MORE 'S VERY WORRIED ABOUT HIS MACHINE . $ 08 WHAT MACHINE ? $ 01 THIS WASHING MACHINE . $ 08 I THOUGHT IT WAS A WASHING MACHINE . $ BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO SAY ANYTHING . $ < ( ROVER AND SCACE MOVE TO THE MACHINE ) > $ 01 IT 'S A DRY CLEANER , REALLY . $ THE CLOTHES ARE CLEANED IN HERE AND PRESSED IN HERE , IN WHA T WE CALL " THE IRONING SHED " . $ #63 $ 08 WHAT A GOOD IDEA , MILES . $ 01 IT 'S A GOOD IDEA , THE TROUBLE IS IT DOESN'T WORK . $ THE MACHINE DOESN'T IRON , IT TEARS THE CLOTHES TO PIECES . $ 08 BUT THAT 'S THE SAME WITH ALL OF THEM , ISN'T IT ? $ 01 BUT THIS IS SOMETHING QUITE EXCEPTIONAL . $ I 'LL SHOW YOU . $ HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING I CAN PUT IN ? $ 05 YES . $ TAKE YOUR SKIRT OFF , ROVER . $ 08 BUT IT 'S ONE OF MY FAVOURITES . $ 05 IT 'S NO USE ANY MORE - MAUREEN 'S EATEN THE OTHER HALF . $ 08 OH , VERY WELL , DEAR . $ < ( SHE REMOVES HER SKIRT ) > $ 05 < ( PLUGGING IN THE MACHINE ) > $ HURRY UP , ROVER . $ 08 I 'M BEING AS QUICK AS I CAN . $ 05 WE 'VE GOT TO GET IT WORKING PROPERLY BEFORE MR ROBINSON COMES , HE 'S GOT A GUN . $ 08 A GUN ! $ < ( SHE HANDS THE SKIRT TO MORE ) > $ HERE YOU ARE , MR MORE . $ 01 THANK YOU . $ NOW I 'LL SHOW YOU . $ I 'LL PUT IT IN HERE - $ < ( HE PUTS THE SKIRT IN THE MACHINE ) > $ AND THEN IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES YOU 'LL SEE IT POP UP THE OTH ER SIDE IN SHREDS . $ 08 FIVE MINUTES . $ I 'LL JUST SLIP AN APRON ON AND MAKE SOME COFFEE . $ 01 NO COFFEE FOR ME , THANK YOU . $ < ( ROVER CROSSES AND EXITS UP L ) > $ 05 < ( CALLING ) > $ TELL MRS MORE ... $ 08 < ( OFF ; CALLING ) > $ YES , DEAR . $ 01 DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING . $ 05 < ( CALLING ) > $ DON'T TELL MRS MORE . $ 08 < ( OFF ) > $ NO , DEAR . $ 01 I 'LL SWITCH IT ON . $ ONE , TWO , THREE . $ < ( HE SWITCHES ON ) > $ < ( VARIOUS NOISES COME FROM THE MACHINE ) > $ 05 NOW COME ON , SIT DOWN AND RELAX . $ 01 SOMETIMES IT ONLY TAKES A COUPLE OF MINUTES . $ 05 THERE 'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO . $ SIT DOWN . $ < ( MORE SITS ON THE SOFA . $ SCACE SITS ON THE DESK , AT THE RIGHT END OF IT . $ ROVER , WEARING AN APRON , ENTERS UP L ) > $ 08 < ( CROSSING TO SCACE ) > $ IS IT DONE YET ? $ < ( SHE SITS L OF SCACE ON THE DESK ) > $ 01 ANY MINUTE NOW . $ YOU CAN HEAR IT TEARING AWAY NOW . $ 08 HOW EXCITING . $ < ( THERE IS A PAUSE THEN THE NOISES FROM THE MACHINE CEASE ) > $ 01 THERE IT IS NOW . $ < ( HE RISES ) > $ < ( SCACE AND ROVER RISE ) > $ < ( HE GOES TO THE MACHINE AND TAKES OUT THE SKIRT . $ IT IS IN SHREDS ) > $ YOU SEE . $ #64 $ 08 GOOD GRACIOUS , IS THAT MY SKIRT ? $ 01 I 'M AFRAID SO , MRS SCACE . $ < ( HE HANDS THE SKIRT TO ROVER ) > $ 08 < ( SHE PUTS THE SKIRT ON AGAIN ) > $ IT 'S LIKE A MINCING MACHINE . $ 05 PERHAPS THAT 'S THE ANSWER . $ CALL IT A MINCER AND SELL IT TO A BUTCHER . $ 01 IMPOSSIBLE . $ I 'VE TRIED EVERYONE . $ WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ? $ HE 'S GOT A GUN - HE 'LL SHOOT ME . $ 05 ROVER , YOU 'D BETTER HAVE A LOOK AT IT . $ < ( ROVER LOOKS INTO THE MACHINE ) > $ 01 SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING . $ 05 SHE 'S A POSITIVE GENIUS WITH WASHING MACHINES . $ WE HAD ONE PARKED IN THE DRIVE FOR YEARS . $ SHE GOT IT TO GO JUST LIKE THAT - DIDN'T YOU , ROVER ? $ 08 YES , DEAR . $ LET ME SEE . $ 01 WELL , TRY AND DO WHAT YOU CAN . $ I 'M OFF . $ 05 OFF WHERE ? $ 01 BACK TO WILLOUGHBY COURT . $ 05 NO , YOU 'RE NOT . $ < ( HE RESTRAINS MORE ) > $ WE 'LL TRY YOUR SHIRT FIRST . $ 01 I TELL YOU IT DOESN'T WORK . $ < ( SCACE REMOVES MORE'S SHIRT . $ ROVER PULLS A PIECE OF METAL FROM THE MACHINE ) > $ 08 WHAT 'S THIS ? $ 01 IT 'S ... $ THAT 'S TO HOLD THE CLOTHES DOWN WHILE THEY 'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PRESSED . $ 08 LOOKS VERY JAGGED TO ME . $ 01 JAGGED ? $ NONSENSE ! $ 05 < ( EXAMINING IT ) > $ IT 'S LIKE BARBED WIRE . $ 01 IT 'S THE SAME IN EVERY WASHING MACHINE . $ 08 I KNOW . $ BUT THIS ONE 'S WORSE THAN EVER . $ LET 'S TRY IT WITHOUT . $ 01 YOU CAN'T - THEY 'LL JUMP OUT . $ 08 WHAT 'LL JUMP OUT ? $ MICE ? $ < ( SHE JUMPS BACK ) > $ WE DON'T WANT ANY MICE IN THE PLACE , MR MORE . $ 05 CLOTHES , ROVER , CLOTHES . $ < ( THE SOUND OF A CAR ARRIVING AND STOPPING IS HEARD ) > $ AUNTIE 'S BACK WITH THE CAR - HURRY UP . $ 08 QUICKLY , MR MORE . $ 01 < ( PUTTING THE SHIRT IN THE MACHINE ) > $ THERE WE ARE . $ PUSH IT IN - WELL DOWN . $ 05 THAT 'S IT , ROVER . $ 01 PUT THE LID DOWN . $ < ( SCACE CLOSES THE MACHINE BUT THE LID WON'T STAY DOWN ) > $ #65 $ 05 HURRY UP - SIT ON THE LID . $ 08 < ( SITTING ON THE MACHINE ) > $ SWITCH IT ON , MR MORE . $ 01 DON'T BLAME ME IF IT DOESN'T WORK . $ 05 MY DEAR MORE , NOBODY 'S TO BLAME . $ WE 'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER . $ 08 I 'M THE KING OF THE CASTLE , YOU 'RE THE DIRTY RASCAL . $ 01 ONE , TWO , THREE . $ < ( HE SWITCHES ON ) > $ < ( VARIOUS NOISES COME FROM THE MACHINE . $ THE MOTION MAKES ROVER FEEL ILL ) > $ 05 PUT YOUR JACKET ON . $ 01 < ( PUTTING ON HIS JACKET ) > $ WHERE ARE MY SHOES ? $ < ( HE CROSSES DOWN L ) > $ < ( MISS CLEGG ENTERS R ) > $ 14 MR ROBINSON 'S COME UP THE DRIVE . $ HE 'S GOT A GUN . $ < ( TWO GUNSHOTS ARE HEARD OFF R . $ ROBINSON ENTERS R , CARRYING A GUN ) > $ 11 < ( CROSSING TO MORE ) > $ HULLO , FRANK - WHERE IS IT ? $ 01 OVER THERE . $ < ( ROBINSON CROSSES TO THE MACHINE ) > $ < ( HE PUTS HIS SHOES ON ) > $ I 'M JUST DEMONSTRATING IT TO MRS SCACE . $ 11 WHO ? $ 08 ME . $ 05 I 'M MR SCACE - THIS IS MY WIFE , ROVER . $ 08 HOW DO YOU DO ? $ 11 < ( CROSSING TO MORE ) > $ I WARN YOU , FRANK , IF IT DOESN'T WORK THIS TIME I 'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU . $ 01 SHOOT ME ? $ 11 THEN I 'LL SHOOT MYSELF . $ 05 MY DEAR BOY ... $ 11 THEN I 'M GOING TO SHOOT THE WASHING MACHINE . $ 01 ROBBIE , PLEASE ... $ 05 YOU CAN'T SHOOT THE WASHING MACHINE , MY WIFE 'S IN IT . $ 08 IT 'S ALL RIGHT , MR ROBINSON - IT 'LL WORK , I 'M SURE . $ 05 < ( TO MISS CLEGG ) > $ GET THE POLICE . $ < ( MISS CLEGG MOVES TO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ 11 STAND AWAY FROM THERE . $ < ( TO MORE ) > $ YOU MEAN YOU 'VE NOT HAD IT WORKING YET ? $ 01 ROBBIE , PUT THAT GUN AWAY . $ 11 FOR YEARS YOU 'VE BEEN TELLING ME YOU 'LL SELL IT TOMORRO W - BUT TOMORROW NEVER COMES . $ 05 OF COURSE IT 'LL COME - TOMORROW 'S FRIDAY . $ 11 IT 'LL COME FOR YOU , BUT NOT FOR MORE . $ 05 < ( POINTING TO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ AUNTIE ! $ AUNTIE ! $ AUNTIE ! $ 14 YES , DADDY ? $ < ( SHE LIFTS THE RECEIVER ) > $ #66 $ 11 PUT THAT PHONE DOWN . $ < ( MISS CLEGG REPLACES THE RECEIVER ) > $ AUNTIE ? $ YOU SAID IN THE CAR YOU WERE HIS ADOPTED DAUGHTER . $ 05 YES , SHE IS . $ 08 WE CALLED HER " AUNTIE " TO SAVE CONFUSION . $ 11 I DON'T UNDERSTAND . $ < ( ROVER CLICKS HER FINGERS . $ MISS CLEGG AND SCACE DO THE SAME ) > $ 08 < ( POINTING ) > $ LOOK , THERE 'S MAUREEN . $ 11 < ( CROSSING TO ROVER ) > $ WHO ? $ 14 MAUREEN . $ 11 WHERE ? $ 08 RIGHT BESIDE YOU . $ 11 I DON'T SEE HER . $ WHO 'S MAUREEN ? $ 01 THE DOG . $ 11 THE DOG ? $ I DON'T SEE ANY DOG . $ 05 THERE SHE IS . $ 11 WHERE ? $ 08 HERE . $ 11 HERE ? $ 14 BESIDE ME . $ 05 OVER BY THE WINDOW . $ 14 BY THE DOOR . $ 08 UP ON THE CEILING . $ < ( ROBINSON LOOKS UP . $ MISS CLEGG PUSHES ROBINSON OVER SCACE'S BACK , WHO KNEELS BE HIND ROBINSON . $ MISS CLEGG CATCHES THE GUN AS IT FLIES INTO THE AIR , THEN S CACE SITS ON ROBINSON ON THE FLOOR ) > $ 01 EVERYTHING 'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT , ROBBIE . $ 08 < ( MOVING UP AND DOWN ) > $ IT 'S HERE , IT 'S HERE , IT 'S HERE ! $ < ( THE NOISES FROM THE MACHINE CEASE ) > $ 05 WHAT IS ? $ 08 I CAN FEEL THE LID MOVING . $ 01 THE LID ? $ < ( HE CROSSES TO THE MACHINE ) > $ IT MUST BE READY , THEN . $ 05 AUNTIE , HELP YOUR MOTHER DOWN . $ 14 COME ON , MUMMY . $ < ( MISS CLEGG HELPS ROVER FROM THE MACHINE ) > $ 08 GO ON , MR MORE , LOOK INSIDE . $ 01 I - I DON'T THINK I DARE . $ YOU DO IT . $ 05 DOWN , ROVER . $ 08 BUT , MILES ... $ 05 IT MAY GO OFF . $ IT 'S YOUR MACHINE , MORE - YOU LOOK INSIDE . $ < ( MORE LOOKS AT MISS CLEGG ) > $ #67 $ 14 GO ON . $ I 'M SURE EVERYTHING 'LL BE ALL RIGHT , MR MORE . $ 11 IT 'S A FRAUD . $ EVERYTHING 'S SUPPOSED TO BE BEAUTIFULLY WRAPPED IN CELLOPHA NE PAPER , AND THEY COME OUT LIKE ... $ 05 CONTROL YOURSELF , MR ROBINSON . $ GO ON , MORE - YOU LOOK INSIDE . $ < ( MORE GOES TO THE MACHINE AND OPENS THE LID . $ HE PUTS HIS HAND IN AND GENTLY DRAWS OUT HIS SHIRT . $ IT IS BEAUTIFULLY PRESSED IN A CELLOPHANE BAG ) > $ 01 IT 'S DONE IT ! $ IT 'S DONE IT ! $ < ( HE CROSSES DOWN L ) > $ 08 MILES ! $ 05 < ( RISING ) > $ MY CLEVER GIRL ! $ < ( HE MOVES TO ROVER AND KISSES HER ) > $ 01 < ( CALLING ) > $ DIEDRE ! $ DIEDRE ! $ < ( ROBINSON SITS UP ) > $ YOU SEE , ROBBIE - LIKE I ALWAYS SAID - BEAUTIFULLY PRESSED , IN FIVE MINUTES FLAT . $ 11 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT . $ 08 LET ME SEE . $ < ( THEY ALL LOOK AT THE SHIRT ) > $ 01 JUST LOOK AT IT , MRS SCACE . $ 14 IT 'S A MIRACLE . $ 05 MARVELLOUS . $ 08 < ( READING LABEL ) > $ " NO LOSS , NO TEAR , ALL CLEAN , ALL THERE . " $ SWITCH IT ON AGAIN - WE 'LL DO YOUR SHIRT NOW , MILES . $ < ( SCACE REMOVES HIS JACKET AND PUTS IT ON THE SOFA . $ DIEDRE ENTERS R , CARRYING SOME BABY'S NAPKINS . ) > $ 02 WHAT IS IT ? $ 01 LOOK , DARLING , IT WORKS . $ 02 WHAT WORKS ? $ 11 THE BENELUX . $ 02 WHERE DID YOU GET IT ? $ 01 FROM THE WASHING MACHINE . $ 11 IT 'S HIS SHIRT . $ 01 I 'VE ONLY JUST PUT IT IN . $ 02 FRANK ! $ I CAN'T BELIEVE IT . $ 01 IT 'S TRUE , I PROMISE YOU . $ < ( HE TAKES HIS SHIRT FROM THE BAG ) > $ 11 < ( RISING ) > $ I 'LL GET ON TO THE CHINESE LAUNDRY . $ < ( HE GOES TO THE TELEPHONE , LIFTS THE RECEIVER AND DIALS A NUMBER ) > $ 08 WILL IT DO DOG COLLARS ? $ 01 YES . $ 08 I 'LL PUT MAUREEN'S IN . $ 01 < ( SHOWING THE SHIRT TO DIEDRE ) > $ YOU SEE , IT 'S THE ONE I ALWAYS WEAR AT THE OFFICE . $ 11 < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ HULLO ... $ CHINESE LAUNDRY ? $ ... $ #68 $ < ( ROVER HELPS SCACE TO REMOVE HIS SHIRT ) > $ 05 NO , NOT THE VEST AS WELL . $ 01 < ( TO DIEDRE ) > $ YOU SEE , DARLING , IT 'S THE ONE WITH THE TEA STAIN DOWN TH E BACK . $ GO ON , MRS SCACE - SHOW HER . $ 02 ALL RIGHT , I 'LL TRY THIS NAPPY . $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO THE MACHINE AND PUTS A NAPKIN IN IT ) > $ 14 WILL YOU DO MY STOCKINGS ? $ < ( SHE REMOVES HER STOCKINGS AND PUTS THEM IN THE MACHINE ) > $ 01 < ( CROSSING TO THE MACHINE ) > $ ANYTHING YOU LIKE . $ 11 < ( INTO THE TELEPHONE ) > $ RIGHT , THREE O'CLOCK THIS AFTERNOON - IT 'S A WORLD-BEATER , I PROMISE YOU . $ < ( HE REPLACES THE RECEIVER ) > $ I 'LL TRY MY TIE . $ < ( HE REMOVES HIS TIE AND PUTS IT IN THE MACHINE ) > $ 08 < ( COLLECTING HER SKIRT ) > $ I THINK I 'LL TRY MY SKIRT AGAIN . $ < ( SHE PUTS HER SKIRT AND SCACE'S SHIRT INTO THE MACHINE ) > $ I 'D LIKE IT JUNGLE TEXTED . $ SWITCH HER ON , MR MORE . $ 01 JUST A MINUTE . $ < ( HE TRIES TO CLOSE THE LID AGAIN ) > $ SIT ON THE LID , MRS SCACE . $ < ( ROVER SITS ON THE MACHINE ) > $ 11 THIS MAY TAKE A FEW MOMENTS . $ 01 ONE , TWO , THREE . $ < ( HE SWITCHES ON THE MACHINE ) > $ < ( VARIOUS NOISES COME FROM THE MACHINE ) > $ 11 CONGRATULATIONS , FRANK . $ < ( THERE IS A PAUSE . $ MORE MOVES AND SITS ON THE DESK , AT THE RIGHT END OF IT . $ AGAIN THE MOTION MAKES ROVER FEEL ILL ) > $ 01 THIS IS MORE THAN A WORLD-BEATER - THIS IS GOING TO GO RO UND THE UNIVERSE . $ < ( THERE IS A PAUSE , THEN THERE IS A LOUD EXPLOSION FROM T HE MACHINE AND THE NOISES CEASE . $ ROVER IS FLUNG OFF THE MACHINE ) > $ 01 05 02 14 11 08 < ( AD LIB ) > $ WHAT WAS THAT ? $ < ( ALL EXCEPT MORE GATHER ROUND THE MACHINE . $ MORE REMAINS MOTIONLESS , SEATED ON THE DESK ) > $ 11 IT DOESN'T MATTER , IT 'S ONLY A FUSE . $ 08 A FUSE . $ IT BLEW UP RIGHT UNDERNEATH ME . $ < ( SHE CROSSES TO C ) > $ < ( ROBINSON LOOKS BEHIND THE MACHINE ) > $ 11 ONLY A FUSE . $ 05 LET 'S SEE WHAT 'S HAPPENED TO MY SHIRT . $ < ( HE OPENS THE LID AND DRAWS OUT HIS SHIRT , BEAUTIFULLY P RESSED ) > $ 08 < ( LOOKING AROUND ) > $ WHERE 'S MAUREEN ? $ 05 LOOK AT THIS , ROVER . $ 11 IT WENT TOO FAST - BURNED THE COIL OUT . $ 08 MILES ! $ LOOK AT MR MORE . $ #69 $ 05 WHAT ? $ MY SHIRT 'S PERFECT . $ < ( HE MOVES TO MORE ) > $ GOOD LORD , HE 'S SHOT HIMSELF . $ I HAD A FEELING THIS MIGHT HAPPEN . $ 08 < ( MOVING TO L OF THE DESK ) > $ HERE 'S THE BULLET , MILES . $ < ( SHE HANDS THE BULLET TO SCACE ) > $ 05 GONE RIGHT THROUGH HIM . $ < ( HE PASSES THE " BULLET " TO ROBINSON ) > $ < ( ROBINSON EXAMINES THE " BULLET " ) > $ MUST HAVE JUST MISSED YOU , ROVER . $ 08 IT GOT MAUREEN , THOUGH . $ 11 MAUREEN ? $ 05 SHE THINKS THE DOG 'S DEAD . $ < ( TO ROVER ) > $ NEVER MIND , I 'LL GET YOU ANOTHER . $ 11 THIS ISN'T A BULLET . $ IT 'S A BIT OF THE " IRONING SHED " . $ 05 WHAT ? $ 11 IT 'S PART OF THE WASHING MACHINE . $ 05 < ( EXAMINING MORE'S BACK ) > $ GONE RIGHT THROUGH HIM ; EXTRAORDINARY . $ 08 WE 'D BETTER GET THE VET . $ 05 WHAT 'S THE POINT ? $ I CAN SEE FROM HERE HE 'S GONE . $ WHAT DO YOU SAY , MRS MORE ? $ 02 < ( WIPING HER EYES ) > $ I DON'T KNOW , I 'M SURE . $ 05 YOU 'RE HIS WIFE , YOU SHOULD KNOW . $ IS HE ALIVE OR DEAD ? $ 02 I THINK - I THINK HE 'S STILL ALIVE . $ 05 YES , YOU MAY BE RIGHT . $ THERE , I SAW HIM BLINK . $ < ( HE BENDS OVER MORE ) > $ MORE , CAN YOU HEAR ME ? $ THIS IS MILES SCACE . $ IF YOU 'RE ALIVE ... $ 14 HE 'S ALIVE - I SAW HIS HAND MOVE . $ 05 WHICH ONE ? $ 14 THIS ONE . $ I WAS WATCHING THE OTHER ONE , BUT IT DIDN'T MOVE . $ 11 I 'LL GET AN AMBULANCE . $ 05 IT 'S TOO LATE . $ WE 'D BETTER LAY HIM OUT ON THE DESK . $ ROVER , YOU AND AUNTIE TAKE A LEG EACH . $ 08 WHICH ONE ? $ 05 IT DOESN'T MATTER , THEY 'RE BOTH THE SAME . $ < ( SCACE , ROVER AND MISS CLEGG LAY MORE PRONE ON THE DESK ) > $ RIGHT , THAT 'S MORE LIKE IT . $ < ( DIEDRE MOVES TO THE DESK AND BENDS OVER MORE ) > $ 02 HE 'S TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING . $ 05 HIS LAST WORDS , I EXPECT . $ YOU 'D BETTER TAKE THEM DOWN , AUNTIE . $ 14 YES , DADDY . $ < ( SHE TAKES A NOTEBOOK AND PENCIL FROM THE DESK AND MAKES NOTES ) > $ 02 I THOUGHT I SAW HIS EYELID TWITCH . $ 05 THAT MEANS NOTHING . $ I 'LL PUT THIS BOOK IN HIS HAND . $ WHEN HE DROPS IT WE 'LL KNOW HE 'S GONE FOR GOOD . $ #70 $ < ( HE PICKS UP A BOOK FROM THE DESK AND PUTS IT IN MORE'S H AND ) > $ < ( THE LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE EXCEPT AROUND THE DESK ) > $ 02 < ( BENDING LOW ) > $ IT 'S DIEDRE , DARLING . $ < ( A PHRASE OF WALTZ MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ LITTLE DEEDEE DUMKINS . $ YOU REMEMBER ? $ < ( SHE LISTENS CLOSELY ) > $ YES . $ YES . $ I CAN HEAR YOU , SWEETHEART . $ YOU WANTED TO GO TO EASTBOURNE . $ < ( A PHRASE OF WALTZ MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ IT 'S NO GOOD , I CAN'T HEAR . $ 05 YOU TRY , ROVER . $ SHE CAN HEAR A PIN DROP . $ < ( HE DROPS A PIN ) > $ 08 I HEARD THAT . $ 05 TOLD YOU SO . $ < ( ROVER BENDS OVER MORE AND LISTENS ) > $ 08 OH , I CAN HEAR HIM PERFECTLY . $ " MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE A HEADMASTER . $ I 'M DYING . " $ 05 I THOUGHT SO . $ 08 " GOOD-BYE . " $ < ( A PHRASE OF MARCH MUSIC IS HEARD ) > $ " MY OLD COLONEL - " $ THAT 'LL BE HIS DOG . $ " - USED TO SAY - IF YOU DROP ANYTHING , GO WITH IT . " $ 05 < ( AFTER A PAUSE ) > $ IS THAT ALL ? $ 08 YES , HIS MOUTH 'S SHUT . $ 05 < ( REPEATING ) > $ " IF YOU DROP ANYTHING , GO WITH IT . " $ DID YOU GET THAT , AUNTIE ? $ 14 YES , DADDY . $ 02 THERE 'S NOTHING MORE WE CAN DO , IS THERE ? $ 05 NOTHING EXCEPT WAIT - UNTIL HE DROPS IT . $ < A BAR OF MARCH MUSIC IS HEARD . $ MORE DROPS THE BOOK . $ ANOTHER BAR OF MARCH MUSIC IS HEARD . $ THEY LOOK AT THE BOOK . $ MORE ROLLS OFF THE DESK ON TO THE FLOOR . $ ANOTHER BAR OF MARCH MUSIC IS HEARD . $ SCACE SMILES AS THE LIGHTS DIM TO BLACK-OUT AND - THE CURTAI N FALLS > $ < ( FOR THE CURTAIN FALLS THE LIGHTS COME UP AND PROJECTORS CROSS FADE TO ONE WITH THE TITLE " HOW 'S THE WORLD TREATING YOU ? " ) > $