<< *142 . CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON : THE PHILANTHROPIST , A BOURG EOIS COMEDY . LONDON , FABER , 1970 . 78 P . FIRST PERF . : 040870 . CHAR . : 01 PHILIP , 02 DONALD , 03 JOHN , 04 CELIA , 05 BRAHAM , 06 ARAMINTA , 07 ELIZABETH >> $ #9 $ < ONE > $ < PHILIP'S ROOM . $ THE ROOM OF A BACHELOR DON , COMFORTABLE BUT NOT WELL-FURNIS HED , ORDERED BUT NOT TIDY . $ PHILIP AND DONALD SIT RELAXED BUT ATTENTIVE , ONE IN AN ARMC HAIR , ONE ON THE SOFA PERHAPS . $ JOHN , A YOUNGER MAN , IS SITTING IN A WOODEN CHAIR , A PILE OF PAPERS ON HIS KNEE . $ HE HOLDS A REVOLVER . > $ 03 YOU NEEDN'T THINK I 'M NOT SERIOUS . $ BECAUSE I AM . $ I ASSURE YOU I AM . $ CAN'T YOU SEE THAT ? $ I 'VE COME HERE THIS EVENING BECAUSE I THINK BOTH OF YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS AND I THINK YOU DESERVE IT AS MUCH AS I DO . $ IF YOU HATE ME FOR DOING IT , THAT 'S YOUR PROBLEM . $ IT WON'T CONCERN ME . $ I JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE ONE VIVID IMAGE OF ME , THAT 'S ALL , ONE MEMORY TO LAST ALL YOUR LIFE AND NEVER VANISH , TO REM IND YOU THAT IF YOU WON , I LOST , AND THAT NOBODY CAN WIN W ITHOUT SOMEBODY LOSING . $ GOOD-BYE . $ < ( HE PUTS THE REVOLVER TO HIS HEAD . ) > $ BANG . $ < ( HE SMILES UNEASILY AT THEM . ) > $ CURTAIN . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ DO YOU LIKE IT ? $ 01 VERY GOOD . $ WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER DRINK ? $ 03 OH , YES , THANKS , ER ... PHILIP . $ < ( PHILIP POURS A DRINK . ) > $ 01 ICE ? $ 03 PLEASE . $ < ( EXIT PHILIP . ) > $ 03 HE DOESN'T LIKE IT , DOES HE ? $ 02 OH , I DON'T KNOW . $ 03 HE DOESN'T . $ I CAN TELL . $ 02 I 'M SURE HE DOES LIKE IT . $ #10 $ 03 DO YOU ? $ < ( PHILIP RETURNS WITH THE ICE . ) > $ 02 WELL , YES AND NO . $ I MEAN THERE ARE SOME ENORMOUSLY PROMISING THINGS IN THE PLA Y . $ OBVIOUSLY IT 'S BASICALLY A CONVERSATION PIECE , BUT YOU DO TRY TO GIVE THE CUSTOMERS A BIT OF EVERYTHING - A TOUCH OF M ELODRAMA , THE ODD COUP DE THEATRE , HUMOUR , TRAGEDY , MONO LOGUES AND PASTORAL INTERLUDES , YES , YES , I LIKE THAT , G ENEROUS . $ BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I THINK THERE ARE CERTAIN ... LAPSES , WHICH , YOU KNOW , DETRACT FROM THE PLAY AS A SATISFYING WH OLE . $ 03 YOU MEAN IT 'S STYLISTICALLY HETEROGENEOUS ? $ 01 I THINK DON PREFERS TO SEE IT AS AN UNSATISFYING WHOLE . $ < ( HE LAUGHS MERRILY AND ALONE . ) > $ SORRY . $ WOULD YOU LIKE A CHOCOLATE ? $ 03 NO , THANKS . $ 01 DON ? $ I THINK I 'LL HAVE ONE . $ < ( HE HELPS HIMSELF TO ONE , AS HE IS TO THROUGHOUT THIS SC ENE . ) > $ 03 TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT IT . $ 02 WELL , ONE THING IS THAT CHARACTER WHO APPEARS EVERY SO O FTEN WITH A LADDER . $ THE WINDOW-CLEANER . $ WHAT 'S HIS NAME ? $ 03 MAN . $ 02 YES . $ WELL , I TAKE IT HE HAS SOME KIND OF ALLEGORICAL SIGNIFICANC E OUTSIDE THE FRAMEWORK OF THE PLAY . $ I MEAN I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS RIGHT BUT I RATHER TOOK HIM T O SIGNIFY ENGLAND . $ 03 NO , NO , ERM , IN POINT OF FACT HE SIGNIFIES MAN . $ 02 AH . $ 03 YES . $ 02 HENCE THE NAME . $ 03 YES . $ 02 I SEE . $ 03 ALTHOUGH NOW YOU COME TO MENTION IT , I SUPPOSE HE COULD BE TAKEN TO REPRESENT ENGLAND . $ 01 IS THAT TWO NS ? $ 03 WHAT ? $ 01 IN MAN . $ #11 $ 03 NO , ONE . $ 01 AH , WELL , YOU SEE , I THOUGHT IT WAS TWO NS . $ AS IN THOMAS . $ 03 THOMAS ? $ 01 THOMAS MANN . $ 03 OH . $ 01 SO I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST MEANT TO REPRESENT A WINDOW-CLEA NER .$ 03 WELL ... $ 01 UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES , I THINK YOU 'VE INTEGRATED HIM INTO THE PLOT VERY WELL . $ 03 THANK YOU . $ < ( HE SEEMS DISPLEASED . ) > $ 02 I ALWAYS THINK THE BEGINNING AND THE END ARE THE MOST DIF FICULT PARTS OF A PLAY TO HANDLE , AND I 'M NOT SURE YOU 'VE BEEN ENTIRELY SUCCESSFUL WITH EITHER . $ 03 AREN'T YOU ? $ 02 I CAN'T REALLY SAY I LIKE THAT PIRANDELLO-STYLE BEGINNING . $ IT 'S BEEN DONE SO OFTEN , YOU KNOW . $ I MEAN I 'M NOT SAYING THAT YOUR USE OF IT ISN'T RESOURCEFUL . $ IT IS . $ BUT THE DEVICE ITSELF IS A BIT RUSTY . $ 03 YES , PERHAPS YOU 'RE RIGHT . $ I 'M NOT REALLY VERY HAPPY ABOUT THE BEGINNING MYSELF . $ < ( TO PHILIP . ) > $ WHAT DO YOU THINK ? $ 01 I LIKED IT . $ 03 WHY ? $ 01 NO SPECIAL REASON , I JUST LIKED IT . $ YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE ANY NOTICE OF ME , THOUGH , I 'M NOT REAL LY QUALIFIED TO COMMENT . $ 03 YOU DO LECTURE IN ENGLISH , DON'T YOU ? $ 01 YES , BUT IN PHILOLOGY , NOT LITERATURE . $ 03 PHILOLOGY ? $ DON'T YOU FIND THAT INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS ? $ 01 NO , IT 'S EXACTLY THE RIGHT SUBJECT FOR ME . $ I 'M FASCINATED BY WORDS . $ 03 INDIVIDUAL RATHER THAN CONSECUTIVE . $ 01 YES . $ MY ONLY ADVICE TO WRITERS IS " MAKE THE REAL SHAPES " . $ 03 PARDON ? $ #12 $ 01 IT 'S AN ANAGRAM OF " SHAKESPEARE " AND " HAMLET " . $ 02 HE 'S OBSESSED BY ANAGRAMS . $ 03 < ( COLDLY ) > $ REALLY . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ WHAT 'S YOUR OBJECTION TO THE END OF THE PLAY ? $ 02 IT JUST DOESN'T CONVINCE ME . $ IT SEEMS ARTIFICIAL . $ DO YOU REALLY THINK HE 'D COMMIT SUICIDE IN FRONT OF THEM LI KE THAT ? $ 03 YES . $ WHY NOT ? $ 02 IT DOESN'T SEEM TO TIE IN WITH HIS CHARACTER AS WE 'VE SE EN IT IN THE REST OF THE PLAY . $ 01 I DON'T KNOW . $ I LIKED IT . $ 03 YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT , YOU KNOW . $ I 'D MUCH PREFER TO HAVE HONEST CRITICISM THAN YOUR , IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING SO , RATHER NEGATIVE REMARKS . $ 01 PLEASE TAKE NO NOTICE OF WHAT I SAY , I ALWAYS LIKE THING S . $ I GET PLEASURE FROM THE WORDS THAT ARE USED , WHATEVER THE S UBJECT IS . $ I 'VE ENJOYED EVERY BOOK I 'VE EVER READ FOR ONE REASON OR A NOTHER . $ THAT 'S WHY I CAN'T TEACH LITERATURE . $ I HAVE NO CRITICAL FACULTIES . $ I THINK THERE 'S ALWAYS SOMETHING GOOD TO BE FOUND IN THE PR ODUCT OF ANOTHER MAN'S MIND . $ EVEN IF THE MAN IS , BY ALL OBJECTIVE STANDARDS , A COMPLETE FOOL . $ SO YOU SEE I 'D LIKE A PLAY HOWEVER TERRIBLE IT WAS . $ 03 SO YOU THINK MY PLAY IS TERRIBLE . $ 01 I DIDN'T SAY THAT , I ... $ 03 I 'M NOT AN IDIOT , YOU KNOW , I CAN TAKE A HINT . $ 01 PLEASE DON'T GET ANGRY . $ 03 < ( FURIOUS ) > $ I AM NOT ANGRY ! $ I JUST DON'T THINK THERE 'S ANY POINT IN OUR DISCUSSING IT A NY MORE , THAT 'S ALL . $ IT 'S DIFFERENT WITH DON , DON HAS SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICI SMS TO MAKE , WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE VERY HELPFUL . $ 01 BUT I LIKE THE PLAY MORE THAN DON DOES , I THINK IT 'S VE RY GOOD . $ 03 THERE 'S NO NEED TO BE HYPOCRITICAL . $ 01 I ... $ 03 I HAVE NO ILLUSIONS ABOUT THIS PLAY , YOU KNOW ... $ 01 I ... $ 03 BUT I DO THINK IT HAS A LITTLE MORE MERIT THAN YOU GIVE I T CREDIT FOR . $ #13 $ 01 I 'M SORRY . $ 03 NEVER MIND . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 WOULD YOU LIKE A CHOCOLATE ? $ 03 NO . $ < ( SILENCE ) > $ 03 < ( TO DON ) > $ NOW , WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ? $ 02 I WAS JUST WONDERING WHETHER THE SUICIDE IS ALTOGETHER JU STIFIED . $ 03 OH , I THINK SO . $ GIVEN THE KIND OF MAN HE IS . $ I THINK IT COULD BE QUITE POWERFUL . $ I THINK PERHAPS HE MIGHT PUT THE REVOLVER IN HIS MOUTH . $ THEN , IF THE BACK WALL OF THE SET WAS WHITEWASHED , THEY CO ULD USE SOME QUAINT DEVICE TO COVER IT WITH GREAT GOBS OF BR AIN AND BRIGHT BLOOD AT THE VITAL MOMENT . $ AND JUST THE TWO OF THEM SITTING THERE GAPING . $ THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL . $ < ( TO ILLUSTRATE , JOHN PUTS THE REVOLVER INTO HIS MOUTH AN D PRESSES THE TRIGGER . $ LOUD EXPLOSION . $ BY SOME QUAINT DEVICE , GOBS OF BRAIN AND BRIGHT BLOOD APPEA R ON THE WITHEWASHED WALL . $ PHILIP AND DON SIT GAPING . $ LONG SILENCE . ) > $ 02 JESUS . $ < ( JOHN SLUMPS TO THE GROUND . $ PHILIP RUSHES ABRUPTLY FROM THE STAGE . $ DON GROPES SHAKILY FOR THE TELEPHONE AND BEGINS TO DIAL . ) > $ < BLACKOUT > $ < ( THE FIRST MOVEMENT OF THE 2ND BRANDENBURG CONCERTO ) > $ #14 $ < TWO > $ < A FEW DAYS LATER . $ PHILIP ALONE , LAYING THE DINNER-TABLE FOR SIX . $ A KNOCK AT THE DOOR . $ DON ENTERS . $ 02 HELLO . $ AM I TOO EARLY ? $ 01 NO . $ 02 I WONDERED IF THERE WAS ANYTHING I COULD DO TO HELP . $ 01 NO , IT 'S ALL UNDER CONTROL . $ HELP YOURSELF TO A DRINK . $ < ( DON POURS HIMSELF A SCOTCH . ) > $ 02 FOR YOU ? $ 01 NO , THANKS . $ NOT JUST YET . $ < ( DON SITS DOWN ) > $ 02 WHERE 'S CELIA ? $ 01 IN THE KITCHEN . $ 02 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ? $ 01 YES . $ WHY ? $ 02 I DON'T KNOW , YOU SEEM A LITTLE MOROSE . $ 01 I AM A BIT . $ 02 WHY ? $ YOU 'RE NOT STILL UPSET ABOUT JOHN , ARE YOU ? $ 01 WELL ... $ 02 I CAN'T THINK WHY . $ YOU HARDLY KNEW THE MAN . $ 01 THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE . $ 02 WELL , IT SHOULD DO . $ HE WAS MY FRIEND , NOT YOURS . $ AND I HAVEN'T BEEN SITTING AROUND BROODING ABOUT IT FOR DAY S . $ YOU 'RE TOO SENSITIVE , PHILIP , REALLY . $ I MEAN , THE WHOLE THING WAS JUST A GROTESQUE ACCIDENT . $ 01 I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DEAD BEFORE . $ I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DIE . $ 02 I DON'T KNOW , THE WHOLE EVENING WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER . $ #15 $ I MEAN , APART FROM THAT . $ I ONLY SUGGESTED WE HAD IT HERE BECAUSE I KNEW I 'D HATE THE PLAY , AND I WANTED SOMEONE AROUND WHO 'D SAY SOMETHING NIC E TO HIM . $ I DON'T KNOW WHY HE GOT SO RATTY WITH YOU . $ 01 WELL , I WAS VERY TACTLESS . $ 02 NONSENSE , HE WAS ABSURD . $ A SAD CASE IN MANY WAYS . $ THERE 'S NO DOUBT HE WAS VERY INTELLIGENT , BUT HE HAD NO ID EA HOW TO WRITE . $ THAT PLAY WAS NO GOOD AT ALL . $ 01 I RATHER LIKED IT . $ 02 I KNOW YOU DID , BUT IT WAS NO GOOD . $ THE IDEAS WERE THERE , BUT NOT THE TECHNIQUE , IT WAS FAR TO O CEREBRAL . $ 01 UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES , I THINK THAT 'S AN UNIQUELY UNF ORTUNATE ADJECTIVE . $ 02 WHAT ? $ OH , OH YES . $ < ( HE LAUGHS . ) > $ ANYWAY , I SEE YOU 'VE MANAGED TO GET HIM OFF THE WALL . $ 01 DON . $ 02 SORRY . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 CELIA WASN'T VERY SYMPATHETIC EITHER . $ THE FIRST THING SHE SAID WHEN I RANG HER UP AND TOLD HER ABO UT IT WAS : " I 'M NOT SURPRISED , HE 'S ALWAYS BEEN LUDICRO USLY ABSENT-MINDED . " $ 02 DID SHE ? $ 01 YES . $ 02 COME TO THINK OF IT , ABSENT-MINDED 'S EVEN MORE UNFORTUN ATE THAN CEREBRAL . $ < ( HE LAUGHS , RECOVERS , SHAKES HIS HEAD . ) > $ NO , IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN , REALLY . $ < ( HE TRIES TO LOOK SOLEMN , BUT IS SUDDENLY OVERCOME BY HE LPLESS LAUGHTER . ) > $ SORRY . $ < ( CELIA ENTERS . ) > $ 04 WHAT 'S THE JOKE ? $ 02 JOHN . $ < ( SHE PUTS SOME MATS ON THE TABLE . ) > $ 04 IT 'S ALL VERY WELL FOR YOU TO LAUGH , YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CLEAN HIM UP . $ HE WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE . $ 01 PLEASE , LOVE ... $ 04 PHILIP HAD TO THROW AWAY HIS PICASSO PRINT , DIDN'T YOU ? $ < ( SHE HEADS FOR THE DOOR . ) > $ #16 $ 01 CAN I DO ANYTHING IN THE KITCHEN ? $ 04 I 'VE YET TO SEE ANY EVIDENCE OF IT . $ < ( CELIA GOES OUT . ) > $ 02 WHO 'S COMING THIS EVENING ? $ 01 LIZ . $ 02 GOOD . $ 01 ERM ... ARAMINTA , DO YOU KNOW HER ? $ 02 OH , REALLY , WHERE DID YOU PICK HER UP ? $ 01 I DIDN'T PICK HER UP . $ SHE 'S ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I COME INTO CONTACT WITH WHO HA S ANY INTEREST IN MY SUBJECT AT ALL . $ SHE SEEMS QUITE INTELLIGENT , SO I ASKED HER . $ 02 I DON'T THINK IT 'S YOUR SUBJECT SHE 'S INTERESTED IN . $ 01 OH ? $ 02 HAVEN'T YOU HEARD ABOUT HER ? $ 01 NO . $ 02 THE QUICKEST DRAWERS IN THE FACULTY . $ OLD NOAKES WAS TELLING ME THE OTHER DAY HE LITERALLY HAD TO BEG HER TO LEAVE HIM IN PEACE . $ 01 DID HE REALLY ? $ 02 YES . $ SO I SHOULD KEEP YOUR HAND ON YOUR HA'PENNY IF I WERE YOU . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ WHO ELSE ? $ 01 BRAHAM HEAD . $ 02 THE NOVELIST ? $ 01 YES . $ HE 'S UP HERE FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS . $ CELIA MET HIM AT SOME PARTY AND WANTED TO ASK HIM . $ DO YOU KNOW HIM ? $ 02 SLIGHTLY . $ 01 WHAT 'S HE LIKE ? $ 02 INCREDIBLE PRICK . $ HE 'S ONE OF THOSE WRITERS WHO 'VE BEEN FORCED TO ABANDON TH E LEFT-WING FOR TAX REASONS . $ 01 I QUITE LIKE ONE OR TWO OF HIS BOOKS . $ 02 THEY 'RE DREADFUL . $ DREADFUL . $ THE MAN HASN'T A GLIMMER OF TALENT . $ AND HE 'S SO RUDE AND LOUD . $ 01 OH . $ 02 HE LEFT HIS WIFE LAST YEAR . $ HE SAID TO HER : " DARLING , I HOPE YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO BE BOURGEOIS ABOUT THIS , BUT I 'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU AND THE C HILDREN FOR A FEW MONTHS . " $ #17 $ 01 WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 02 SHE DIVORCED HIM . $ BEST THING SHE COULD HAVE DONE . $ THEIR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WAS SOURED BY HER FAILURE EVEN TO A TTEMPT SUICIDE , WHICH HE APPARENTLY REGARDED AS UNFORGIVABL E . $ HE LIKES TO THINK OF HIMSELF AS A ROMANTIC . $ 01 SURELY HE 'S NOT THAT BAD ? $ 02 WORSE . $ WORSE . $ < ( HE BROODS FOR A MOMENT . ) > $ WHAT ABOUT THE PRIME MINISTER , THEN ? $ 01 WHAT ABOUT HIM ? $ 02 HAVEN'T YOU HEARD ? $ 01 NO . $ 02 HE 'S BEEN KILLED . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 ASSASSINATED . $ 01 HAS HE ? $ 02 THEY 'VE HAD NOTHING ELSE ON THE RADIO ALL DAY . $ 01 HOW TERRIBLE . $ 02 MOST OF THE CABINET AS WELL . $ 01 KILLED AS WELL ? $ 02 YES . $ 01 HOW DID IT HAPPEN ? $ 02 WELL , SHORTLY AFTER THE DEBATE BEGAN TODAY THIS RATHER C OMIC FIGURE CAME BOWLING INTO THE COURTYARD OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS ON A BICYCLE : AN ELDERLY AND RATHER CORPULENT WOMAN WEARING ONE OF THOSE ENORMOUS TWEED CAPES , YOU KNOW , ANKL E-LENGHT . $ SHE PARKED HER BICYCLE , DROPPED THE FRONT WHEEL INTO ONE OF THOSE SLOTS THEY HAVE , AND PUFFED UP TO THE GALLERY , WHER E SHE SAT FOR A BIT , BEAMING AMIABLY AND SUCKING GLACIER MI NTS . $ THEN , ALL OF A SUDDEN , SHE LEAPT TO HER FEET , PRODUCED A SUB-MACHINE-GUN OUT OF NOWHERE , AND MOWED DOWN THE FRONT BE NCH . $ 01 MY GOD . $ 02 YES . $ 01 BUT ... WHO WAS SHE ? $ 02 A RETIRED LIEUTENANT-COLONEL . $ 01 SALVATION ARMY ? $ #18 $ 02 NO , NO , SHE WAS A MAN . $ HE GAVE HIMSELF UP AFTERWARDS . $ HE 'S COMPLETELY ROUND THE TWIST . $ HE SAYS HE DID IT TO SAVE BRITAIN FROM THE MENACE OF CREEPIN G SOCIALISM . $ SAYS HE FELT CALLED TO BE HIS COUNTRY'S LIBERATOR . $ APPARENTLY HE 'S BEEN PRACTISING IN HIS GARDEN IN HAMPSHIRE FOR MONTHS . $ 01 GOD . $ 02 NINE OF THEM HE GOT , AND SEVERAL OTHERS WOUNDED . $ THE ONLY ONE HE SEEMED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT WAS THE SHADOW MINISTER OF HEALTH WHO WAS HIT IN THE ANKLE BY A RICOCHET . $ HE KEPT SAYING HE HOPED HE WAS BEING TREATED PRIVATELY . $ THEN HE SAUNTERED OFF TO THE CELLS WHISTLING THE DAM BUSTERS ' MARCH . $ 01 BUT ... WHAT 'S GOING TO HAPPEN ? $ 02 OH , I DON'T KNOW , COALITION GOVERNMENT , ANOTHER ELECTI ON , SOMETHING LIKE THAT . $ IT 'S NOT GOING TO MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE , WHATEVER HAPPENS . $ 01 ISN'T IT ? $ 02 NOT TO US , ANYWAY . $ 01 BUT ... IT 'S APPALLING . $ 02 YES . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ WORSE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ I MUST SAY , I THINK IT WAS RATHER BORING OF HIM TO DO IT ON NOVEMBER THE 5TH . $ I SUPPOSE IN THE TORY PARTY THAT 'S THE KIND OF TH G THAT P ASSES FOR AESTHETICS . $ < ( CELLA ENTERS . ) > $ 04 DID YOU PUT THE LEMONS IN THE 'FRIDGE ? $ I CAN'T SEE THEM ANYWHERE . $ 01 OH , GOD . $ 04 DON'T SAY YOU 'VE FORGOTTEN THEM . $ HONESTLY , I ASK YOU TO GET ONE THING ... $ 01 I 'M SORRY . $ I 'LL GO AND GET THEM NOW . $ 04 EVERYTHING 'S SHUT . $ WE SHALL JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT WITHOUT LEMON , THAT 'S ALL . $ 02 I THINK I 'VE GOT A COUPLE OF LEMONS . $ 04 HAVE YOU ? $ 02 YES , IN MY ROOMS , IN THE FRUIT BOWL , I THINK . $ 04 CAN I NIP OVER AND GET THEM ? $ # 19 $ 02 YES , SURE . $ 04 THANKS . $ < ( SHE MOVES OVER TO THE DOOR . ) > $ 01 CELIA . $ 04 YES . $ 01 ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP ? $ 04 NO . $ < ( CELIA GOES OUT . $ PHILIP LOOKS UNHAPPY . ) > $ 02 WHEN IS IT YOU 'RE GETTING MARRIED ? $ 01 I , ER , NOT SURE REALLY . $ PROBABLY SOMETIME IN THE VACATION . $ 02 ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO IT ? $ 01 WELL , YES , I THINK SO . $ WHY ? $ 02 JUST WONDERED . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 YOU DON'T REALLY THINK IT 'S A GOOD IDEA , DO YOU ? $ 02 I DON'T KNOW , PHILIP . $ 01 I MEAN , YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE HER , DO YOU ? $ 02 IT 'S NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE HER , THAT 'S NOT IT AT ALL . $ SHE 'S VERY AMUSING AND INTELLIGENT AND ATTRACTIVE - IT 'S J UST I SOMETIMES WONDER WHETHER SHE 'S YOUR KIND OF PERSON . $ 01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ YOU MEAN I 'M NOT AMUSING AND INTELLIGENT AND ATTRACTIVE . $ 02 OF COURSE NOT . $ BUT YOU 'RE RATHER ... SERIOUS , AREN'T YOU ? $ 01 I SUPPOSE SO . $ 02 AND CELIA ISN'T . $ IN FACT , SHE 'S RATHER FRIVOLOUS . $ 01 BUT I LIKE THAT . $ 02 OH , I 'M SURE YOU DO . $ SURE YOU DO . $ BUT IT MAY CAUSE YOU SOME TROUBLE . $ 01 SHE IS VERY MALICIOUS SOMETIMES . $ SHE DOES SEEM TO HATE A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE I FIND PERFEC TLY HARMLESS . $ INTENSELY . $ AT FIRST , I DIDN'T THINK SHE REALLY HATED THEM , BUT I 'M N OT SO SURE NOW . $ 02 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT LIZ ? $ 01 LIZ ? $ 02 EVER THOUGHT ABOUT MARRYING HER ? $ 01 NO . $ WHY ? $ #20 $ 02 SHE 'S VERY FOND OF YOU , YOU KNOW . $ 01 REALLY ? 02 YES . $ I WAS TALKING TO HER ABOUT YOU THE OTHER DAY AND I COULD SEE SHE WAS VERY FOND OF YOU . $ 01 WHY , WHAT DID SHE SAY ? $ 02 WELL , I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY , NOTHING SPECIFIC , IT W AS JUST THE WAY SHE TALKED ABOUT YOU . $ I 'M SURE SHE 'D MARRY YOU LIKE A SHOT IF YOU ASKED HER . $ 01 DO YOU THINK SO ? $ 02 I 'M SURE OF IT . $ 01 SHE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT . $ 02 WELL , SHE HAS HER PRIDE . $ < ( SILENCE . $ PHILIP BROODS . ) > $ 01 AND YOU THINK I SHOULD MARRY HER INSTEAD OF CELIA ? $ 02 I DIDN'T SAY THAT . $ I WOULDN'T DREAM OF SAYING THAT . $ 01 BUT YOU THINK IT . $ 02 I 'M JUST SAYING IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE IF YOU WANTED TO DO IT . $ 01 WELL , I DON'T . $ 02 I KNOW YOU DON'T . $ I 'M SORRY I MENTIONED IT . $ 01 THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $ 02 I HAVE THIS THEORY WHICH I THINK IS RATHER ATTRACTIVE . $ I THINK WE 'RE ONLY CAPABLE OF LOVING PEOPLE WHO ARE FUNDAME NTALLY INCOMPATIBLE WITH US . $ 01 THAT 'S HORRIBLE . $ 02 BUT ATTRACTIVE . $ 01 IT 'S NOT REALLY A VERY HELPFUL THING TO SAY . $ 02 TAKE NO NOTICE . $ YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT UNLESS YOU 'RE A SCIENTIST , IT 'S M UCH MORE IMPORTANT FOR A THEORY TO BE SHAPELY , THAN FOR IT TO BE TRUE . $ < ( CELIA ENTERS . ) > $ 04 THAT 'LL BE ALL RIGHT FOR A FEW MINUTES , NOW . $ < ( SHE HELPS HERSELF TO A SCOTCH . ) > $ CHRIST , I NEED A DRINK . $ < ( SHE SINKS INTO A CHAIR . ) > $ 02 DID YOU FIND THE LEMONS ? $ 04 YES . $ THANKS . $ #21 $ 02 ISN'T SHE MARVELLOUS ? $ < ( PHILIP EYES DON UNEASILY . ) > $ 01 I THINK SO . $ 04 SO DO I . $ I CAN'T BEAR COOKING : AND I COOK . $$ I CAN'T BEAR WORKING : AND I WORK . $ < ( SHE SMILES . ) AND I CAN'T BEAR PHILIP : AND I 'M MARRYING HIM . $ 01 IT 'S ALL PART OF ONE BASIC CONDITION . $ 04 WHAT ? $ 01 YOU CAN'T BEAR BEING A WOMAN : AND YOU ARE . $ < ( CELIA BRISTLES . ) > $ 04 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 01 IT WAS A JOKE . $ 04 NOT A VERY FUNNY JOKE . $ 01 IT WAS ABOUT AS FUNNY AS YOURS . $ 04 MINE ? $ 01 YES , WHEN YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T BEAR ME AND YOU WERE MAR RYING ME . $ 04 YOU THINK THAT WAS A JOKE ? $ 01 I ... $ 04 < ( LAUGHING ) > $ YOUR TROUBLE IS YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR . $ < ( PHILIP IS BESTED . ) > $ 01 SORRY . $ < ( A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND BRAHAM ENTERS . $ HE IS A TALL , GOOD-LOOKING MAN , FASHIONABLY AND EXPENSIVEL Y DRESSED . $ HE CARRIES A LARGE PAPER BAG . ) > $ 05 I HOPE I 'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE . $ < ( HE SEES CELIA . ) > $ AH , HELLO , LOVE . $ < ( HE TURNS TO DON . ) > $ YOU MUST BE PHILIP . $ 01 NO , I 'M PHILIP . $ 02 I 'M DON . $ 05 OH , YES , WE 'VE MET , HAVEN'T WE ? $ WELL , I 'M BRAHAM . $ VERY NICE OF YOU TO INVITE ME . $ 01 IT 'S KIND OF YOU TO COME . $ 05 < ( TURNING TO CELIA ) > $ I WENT DOWN TO THE MARKET TO BUY YOU SOME FLOWERS , MY LOVE , BUT THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY . $ SO I GOT YOU THIS INSTEAD . $ < ( WITH A FLOURISH , HE PRODUCES A CAULIFLOWER FROM THE PAP ER BAG . ) > $ AS A TOKEN OF MY ESTEEM . $ #22 $ 04 < ( DUBIOUSLY ) > $ THANKS . $ 05 I 'M SURE YOU 'LL BE ABLE TO FIND A NICHE FOR IT . $ < ( CELIA TAKES IT FROM HIM . ) > $ 04 I 'LL PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN . $ 05 JUST THE PLACE . $ < ( CELIA GOES OUT . ) > $ 01 CAN I GET YOU A DRINK ? $ 05 LOVELY GIRL . $ 01 SHERRY OR SCOTCH ? $ 05 < ( ABSTRACTEDLY ) > $ YES , PLEASE . $ < ( HE LOOKS OVER TOWARDS THE KITCHEN , AS PHILIP STANDS BY THE DRINKS TABLE , HELPLESS WITH INDECISION . ) > $ LOVELY . $ SHE TELLS ME YOU 'RE GETTING MARRIED . $ 01 YES . $ ERM ... ? $ < ( HIS COURAGE FAILS HIM . ) > $ 05 WHAT ? $ 01 NOTHING . $ < ( HE DECIDES ON SCOTCH AND POURS IT SHAKILY . $ BRAHAM SITS DOWN . ) > $ 05 WELL WELL WELL . $ < ( SILENCE . $ PHILIP HANDS HIM THE GLASS . ) > $ 05 I OBSERVE THAT YOU ARE LEFT-HANDED AND THAT YOUR MATERNAL GRANNY STANDS , OR RATHER STOOD , SIX FOOT THREE IN HER SOC KS . $ 01 ER ... $ 05 HOW CAN I TELL , I HEAR YOU CRY . $ < ( PHILIP EXCHANGES A SLIGHTLY DESPERATE GLANCE WITH DON AS BRAHAM SIPS HIS DRINK . $ PHILIP SMILES WEAKLY . ) > $ I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR ... $ DID I ASK FOR SCOTCH ? $ 01 WELL ... $ 05 FUNNY , I THOUGHT I SAID SHERRY . $ 01 LET ME ... $ 05 NO , NO , NEVER MIND , NEVER MIND . $ THINK NOTHING OF IT . $ < ( SILENCE . $ PHILIP TAKES A CIGARETTE BOX FROM THE TABLE AND OFFERS ONE T O BRAHAM . ) > $ 01 DO YOU SMOKE ? $ < ( BRAHAM TAKES ONE . ) > $ 05 THANK YOU . $ #23 $ < ( PHILIP HANDS ONE TO DON . $ THEN CLOSES THE BOX AND LIGHTS THEIR CIGARETTES AS HE SPEAKS , NERVOUSLY . ) > $ 01 I GAVE UP LAST SUMMER . $ IT WAS MONTHS BEFORE I COULD MAKE UP MY MIND , BUT I FINALLY DECIDED I WAS MORE NERVOUS ABOUT DYING OF CANCER THAN I WOU LD BE IF I GAVE UP SMOKING . $ 05 WELL , NATURALLY . $ 01 NO , NO , WHAT I MEAN IS THAT I DECIDED THAT THE DEGREE O F NERVOUSNESS I SUFFER IN EVERYDAY LIFE UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMS TANCES WITHOUT SMOKING ALTHOUGH IT WAS ALLEVIATED BY SMOKING TOGETHER WITH THE ADDED NERVOUSNESS CAUSED BY THE THREAT OF ULTIMATE CANCER CAME TO A SUM TOTAL OF NERVOUSNESS IT SEEME D TO ME IN THE END AND AFTER LENGTHY AS I SAY CONSIDERATION GREATER THAN THE ORIGINAL NERVOUSNESS WHICH HAD IN THE FIRST PLACE PROMPTED ME TO TAKE UP SMOKING . $ IF YOU FOLLOW MY MEANING . $ < ( CELIA HAS RE-ENTERED DURING THIS SPEECH . ) > $ 05 I 'M NOT SURE I DO . $ 01 NO , WELL , I 'M NOT EXPRESSING MYSELF VERY WELL . $ I JUST MEAN IT WAS PARADOXICAL THAT I TOOK UP SMOKING BECAUS E I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR MY NERVES AND DISCOVERED TH AT EVEN THOUGH I WAS MORE NERVOUS AFTER I 'D TAKEN IT UP THA N BEFORE BECAUSE OF THE ... $ 04 WHAT ARE YOU BURBLING ABOUT ? 01 I 'M NOT , I 'M NOT EXPRESSING MYSELF VERY WELL . $ I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH ME . $ 05 I SHOULD HAVE A CIGARETTE IF I WERE YOU . $ < BLACKOUT > $ < ( ARIA : " BE JOYFUL IN THE LORD " FROM HANDEL'S " JUBILAT E " . ) > $ #24 $ < THREE > $ < AFTER DINNER . $ PHILIP , DON , CELIA , LIZ AND ARAMINTA ARE RELAXING , TALKI NG , DRINKING COFFEE , BRANDY , ETC. , AND SMOKING . $ ARAMINTA , A RATHER LARGE GIRL WITH A DRAMATICALLY LOW-CUT D RESS SITS ON THE FLOOR , DRINKING CREME DE MENTHE . $ LIZ , A QUIET , RESERVED GIRL ( SHE DOES NOT IN FACT SPEAK D URING THE COURSE OF THE SCENE ) IS DRESSED MORE SOBERLY , AN D SITS WATCHING , SMILING TO HERSELF FROM TIME TO TIME . > $ 05 TELL ME , WHAT IS THE OFFICIAL LINE ON CHRIST'S NAVEL ? $ 06 ON WHAT ? $ 05 CHRIST'S NAVEL . $ WHEN I WENT DOWN TO LONDON ON THE TRAIN THE OTHER DAY , I FE LL INTO CONVERSATION WITH THIS PRIEST , A VERY SPRIGHTLY OLD GENT , WHO TOLD ME THAT ONE OF HIS PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENTS WA S A POLEMIC HE 'D WRITTEN SOME YEARS BEFORE AGAINST THE VIE W , WHICH HE SAID WAS WIDELY HELD , THAT CHRIST HAD HAD NO N AVEL . $ 04 WHY SHOULDN'T HE HAVE HAD A NAVEL ? $ 05 OH , WELL , IT 'S ALL TO DO WITH THE MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTA NCES OF HIS BIRTH . $ 04 OH , I SEE . $ 05 ANYWAY , HE WAS A MARVELLOUS OLD BOY . $ MARVELLOUS . $ HE SAID HE LAMENTED THE PASSING OF THE CLOSED COMPARTMENT , NO-CORRIDOR TRAIN AND I ASKED HIM WHY AND HE TOLD ME THAT YE ARS AND YEARS AGO , BEFORE HE 'D TAKEN UP THE CLOTH AND WAS SOWING THE OCCASIONAL WILD OAT , HE 'D MANAGED TO STRIKE UP AN ACQUAINTANCE WITH A BOY , SEDUCE HIM AND SUCK HIM OFF , A LL IN THE COURSE OF A JOURNEY BETWEEN BOGNOR REGIS AND LITTL EHAMPTON . $ 02 REALLY ? $ #25 $ 05 YES . $ 06 WONDERFUL . $ 01 ER , SHALL WE HAVE THE TEN O'CLOCK NEWS ? $ 05 WHY ? $ 01 WELL , I WAS JUST WONDERING WHAT'S HAPPENED ABOUT THE PRI ME MINISTER AND THE GOVERNMENT , YOU KNOW ... $ 05 OH , NO , I THINK THAT WOULD BE UNNECESSARILY DEPRESSING . $ 01 I JUST THOUGHT ... $ 05 IN THE CAR ON THE WAY OVER I HEARD THEM SAY THE QUEEN HAD SENT FOR THE MINISTER OF SPORT . $ 06 WHAT FOR ? $ 04 HER TRAMPOLINE NEEDS RE-STRINGING . $ 06 WHO IS THE MINISTER OF SPORT , ANYWAY ? $ 02 EDITH SOMEBODY , ISN'T IT ? $ 06 WHY 'S SHE BEEN SENT FOR ? $ 05 WELL , PRESUMABLY SHE 'S THE SENIOR UNINJURED MINISTER . $ 06 THEY 'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE HER PRIME MINISTER , ARE THEY ? $ 05 NO , THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY . $ I DON'T KNOW , THOUGH , IT MIGHT BE RATHER DIVERTING IF THEY DID . $ I MUST SAY , THE GREAT THING ABOUT ALL THIS IS IT SHOWS WE ' RE ACCEPTING OUR DECADENCE WITH A CERTAIN STYLISHNESS . $ 02 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 05 WELL , I THINK MOST PEOPLE WOULD AGREE THAT THIS HAS BECO ME A FAIRLY SOPHISTICATED COUNTRY . $ BUT I 'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF SOPHISTICATION AS RATHER A FEEBL E SUBSTITUTE FOR DECADENCE . $ I MEAN I 'M NOT SAYING EVERYONE SHOULD GO ROUND ASSASSINATIN G PEOPLE , BUT YOU MUST ADMIT THE WAY THIS MAN WENT ABOUT IT DID SHOW A KIND OF RUDIMENTARY DRAMATIC FLAIR . $ 02 I 'D SAY HE WAS A LUNATIC . $ 05 OH , YES , VERY PROBABLY . $ BUT LIKE A LOT OF LUNATICS HE 'S GOT ONE OR TWO VERY SHREWD IDEAS RATTLING AROUND IN HIS HEAD . $ 02 LIKE WHAT ? $ 05 LIKE ACCEPTING OUR DECADENCE WITHOUT TRYING TO GO ON PRET ENDING WE 'RE MORALLY SUPERIOR TO THE REST OF THE WORLD . $ #26 $ LIKE REALIZING THAT SOCIALISM IS ABOUT AS MUCH USE TO THIS C OUNTRY AS ... A POGO-STICK TO A PARAPLEGIC . $ 02 THAT 'S AN EXTRAORDINARILY REPULSIVE IMAGE . $ 05 WHAT ? $ OH , YES , I SUPPOSE IT IS , REALLY . $ SORRY , IT JUST SPRANG TO MIND . $ 06 I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY EXPRESSIVE . $ 05 THANK YOU , ARAMINTA . $ 02 DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT ? ABOUT SOCIALISM ? $ 05 MY DEAR CHAP , WHAT I THINK ABOUT SOCIALISM IS NEITHER HE RE NOR THERE . $ LISTEN , WHEN YOUNGER , I WAS A PASSIONATE LEFTY WRITING ALL KINDS OF TURGID , EARTH-SHAKING STUFF WHICH WAS DESIGNED TO SET THE WORLD TO RIGHTS AND WHICH NO PUBLISHER WOULD HAVE T OUCHED WITH A PITCHFORK . $ BUT EVENTUALLY I REALIZED , AND WHAT A MOMENT OF FIVE-STAR D ISILLUSIONMENT THAT WAS , THAT IT WASN'T GOING TO WORK . $ GOVERNMENTS WOULD NOT TUMBLE AT THE SCRATCH OF MY QUILL . $ I WAS JUST ONE LITTLE PERSON IN THIS ENORMOUS BLOODY WORLD . $ GOD , IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM , HAD GIVEN ME THE ABILITY TO C REATE ESSENTIALLY FRIVOLOUS ENTERTAINMENTS , WHICH WERE ENJO YED BY ENOUGH ESSENTIALLY FRIVOLOUS PEOPLE FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO AMBLE COMFORTABLY THROUGH LIFE . $ NARURALLY , IT DISTRESSES ME THAT PEOPLE ARE WASTING THEIR E NERGIES KILLING EACH OTHER ALL OVER THE WORLD , AND OF COURS E I 'M SORRY THOUSANDS OF INDIANS STARVE TO DEATH EVERY YEAR , BUT I MEAN THAT 'S THEIR PROBLEM , ISN'T IT , IF THEY WIL L GO IN FOR ALL THIS INJUDICIOUS FUCKING . $ I ACTUALLY USED TO THINK THAT IN SOME OBSCURE WAY IT WAS MY FAULT . $ 02 YOU 'VE GOT OVER THAT , NOW , HAVE YOU ? $ 05 WELL , I HAVE , YES . $ NOWADAYS , IF I GET ONE OF THOSE THINGS THROUGH MY LETTER-BO X TELLING ME I CAN FEED AN ENTIRE VILLAGE FOR A WEEK FOR THE PRICE OF A PRAWN COCKTAIL , I TEAR IT UP , THROW IT IN MY W ASTE-PAPER BASKET , GO OUT TO MY FAVOURITE RESTAURANT AND OR DER A PRAWN COCKTAIL . $ 02 AND DO YOU FIND THAT AMUSING ? $ 05 OH , COME NOW , THE NEXT THING YOU 'RE GOING TO SAY IS WH AT IF EVERYBODY WAS LIKE ME . $ # 27 $ FORTUNATELY FOR THE WORLD AND EVEN MORE FORTUNATELY FOR ME , NOT EVERYBODY IS . $ LOOK , IF I ACTUALLY GET A CONCRETE CHANCE TO HELP PEOPLE , THEN I DO . $ 06 YES , I SAW THAT TV APPEAL YOU DID A FEW WEEKS AGO . $ 02 WHAT WAS THAT FOR ? $ 05 TWENTY-FIVE GUINEAS . $ 02 I MEANT , ON BEHALF OF WHOM . $ 05 I KNOW YOU DID . $ 02 WELL ? $ 05 < ( PLAYING UP ) > $ OH , I DON'T KNOW , IT WAS AN APPEAL ON BEHALF OF SPAVINED C HILDREN . $ OR SOMETHING EQUALLY SORDID . $ 02 AND DID IT RAISE MUCH MONEY ? $ 05 ENOUGH TO COVER MY FEE . $ 02 I 'M SORRY ... I MUST SAY I FIND THAT RATHER DISGUSTING . $ 05 THAT 'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT . $ MOST PEOPLE DO . $ < ( PAUSE . $ HE TURNS SHARPLY TO PHILIP . ) > $ DO YOU THINK I 'M DISGUSTING ? $ 01 ER ... NO , I DON'T THINK SO , NO . $ 05 < ( TO ARAMINTA ) > $ DO YOU ? $ 06 OH , NO . $ 05 < ( TO LIZ ) > $ YOU ? $ < ( LIZ SHAKES HER HEAD . ) > $ 05 < ( TO CELIA ) > $ WHAT ABOUT YOU ? $ 04 < ( SMILING ) > $ NO . $ 05 < ( TURNING BACK TO DON ) > $ THERE YOU ARE , YOU SEE , THAT 'S QUITE A GOOD AVERAGE . $ OBVIOUSLY , MY LIVING DEPENDS ON DISGUSTING A CERTAIN PERCEN TAGE OF PEOPLE . $ IF I DIDN'T DISGUST AT LEAST A SUBSTANTIAL MINORITY , I WOUL DN'T BE CONTROVERSIAL , AND IF I WASN'T CONTROVERSIAL , I WO ULDN'T BE RICH . $ 02 THAT 'S THE WAY IT WORKS , IS IT ? $ 05 MORE OR LESS . $ 02 AND THAT 'S THE PURPOSE OF IT ALL , TO BE RICH ? $ 05 I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT 'S THE PURPOSE OR NOT , BUT IT 'S THE RESULT . $ I USED TO FEEL TERRIBLY SHIFTY ABOUT ALL THE MONEY I WAS MAK ING , BUT THEN I REALIZED I BELONGED TO THAT SMALL CLASS OF PEOPLE WHO MAKE EXACTLY WHAT THEY DESERVE . $ I 'M A PRODUCT . $ IF THE PUBLIC STOP WANTING ME , I STOP EARNING . $ #28 $ 04 BUT YOU 'RE ALL RIGHT FOR THE TIME BEING . $ 05 OH , YES . $ 06 WHAT 'S THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A WRITER ? $ 05 AH , WELL , THE REAL BONUS COMES WHEN ONE ACTUALLY DISCOV ERS ONE OR TWO MORAL PRECEPTS LURKING ABOUT AT THE BACK OF O NE 'S HEAD . $ THEN ONE CAN BASE A BOOK ON THEM AND ENJOY THE ILLUSION THAT ONE HAS BOUGHT ONE'S E-TYPE WITH A COUPLE OF REALLY VALUABL E INSIGHTS , GOLDEN TRUTHS , YOU MIGHT SAY . $ < ( HE LAUGHS HEARTILY . ) > $ 02 WELL , AT LEAST NO ONE COULD ACCUSE YOU OF BEING SELFRIGH TEOUS . $ 05 NO , BUT I THINK ONE WOULD BE FORCED TO ADMIT I WAS PRETT Y COMPLACENT . $ WHAT I MEAN IS THERE 'S NO POINT IN FEELING GUILTY ABOUT THE SE THINGS , THERE 'S ONLY TWO ALTERNATIVES , KEEP IT OR GIVE IT ALL AWAY , AND THAT 'S A VERY INTERESTING PROPOSITION , AS THE RICH MAN SAID TO CHRIST , BUT DON'T CALL ME , I 'LL C ALL YOU . $ 04 AND EGOTISTICAL TOO , I SUPPOSE THAT 'S NECESSARY . $ 05 OH , ABSOLUTELY . $ SELF-OBSESSION COMBINED WITH THE ABILITY TO HOLD OPPOSITE PO INTS OF VIEW WITH EQUAL CONVICTION . $ THE MARVELLOUS THING IS THAT IF THE INTERNAL LOGIC IS COHERE NT , I KNOW THAT EVEN IF I 'M WRONG , I 'M RIGHT . $ MAKES ME WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL AN EXISTENTIALIST'S NIGHTMARE . $ 02 OR A HYPOCRITICAL CREEP , SOME MIGHT HAVE IT . $ 05 YES . $ < ( HE SHAKES WITH LAUGHTER . ) > $ OH , GOD , I DID UPSET SOME POOR LITTLE JOURNALIST THE OTHER DAY . $ " HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR JOB ? " $ SHE SAID , AND I SAID , " WELL , I SUPPOSE YOU MIGHT DESCRIB E IT AS A KIND OF SUBSIDIZED MASTURBATION . " $ 02 DON'T YOU REALLY THINK ANY BETTER OF IT THAN THAT ? $ 05 CERTAINLY NOT . $ I HOPE YOU 'RE NOT IMPLYING THERE 'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH MAS TURBATION . $ 02 WELL , I , NO , NOT EXACTLY ... $ 05 I SHOULD HOPE NOT . $ MASTURBATION IS THE THINKING MAN'S TELEVISION . $ DON'T YOU AGREE ? $ 02 I CAN'T SAY I REALLY REMEMBER . $ #29 $ 05 YOU SHOCK ME . $ < ( HE TURNS TO PHILIP . ) > $ YOU 'RE NOT LIKE THAT , ARE YOU ? $ 01 NO . $ I MEAN , WELL , OCCASIONALLY , SOMETIMES , I DO . $ 05 I 'M PLEASED TO HEAR IT . $ IT 'S EXTREMELY GOOD FOR YOU , YOU KNOW . $ AH , MANY 'S THE TIME I 'VE HAD TO LAY DOWN THE PEN AND SLIP OFF TO THE BOG FOR A QUICK ONE . $ ALWAYS REMEMBERING THE DUNKIRK SPIRIT . $ NEVER FORGETTING THAT WATERLOO WAS WON IN THE DORMITORIES OF ETON . $ ANY MORE BRANDY , IS THERE ? $ < ( PHILIP POURS BRAHAM A BRANDY , THEN SEES TO THE OTHER GU ESTS . ) > $ 04 < ( TO DON ) > $ WASN'T THAT YOUR PUPIL'S PROBLEM ? $ 02 WHO ? $ 04 THE ONE WHO 'S JUST BEEN SENT DOWN . $ 02 WHO , BOOT ? $ NO , NO , NO , I DON'T THINK IT WAS SEXUAL FANTASY THAT FINI SHED HIM OFF , IT WAS THE FAILURE OF HIS POLITICAL FANTASIES . $ 05 AH , WELL , THERE YOU ARE , YOU SEE , THAT 'S WHAT I MEAN . $ 02 VERY SAD CASE , WAS BOOT . $ JAMES BOOT . $ THE MORE SUBTLE OF HIS COLLEAGUES USED TO CALL HIM JACK . $ HIS FIRST YEAR HE WAS VERY QUIET , VERY SHY , AND ALL HIS WO RK WAS CAREFULLY DONE AND SCRUPULOUSLY ON TIME . $ GOOD , SOLID , SECOND-CLASS STUFF . $ THEN , THE BEGINNING OF THIS TERM , HE DIDN'T TURN UP WHEN W E WERE FIXING THE SCHEDULES , AND ONE OF THE OTHERS TOLD ME HE WAS IN BED . $ SO I SENT HIM A NOTE TELLING HIM WHEN TO COME FOR THE FIRST TUTORIAL AND WHAT TO DO . $ BUT WHEN THE TIME ARRIVED I GOT A NOTE FROM HIM SAYING HE CO ULDN'T COME , HE WAS IN BED . $ I NATURALLY ASSUMED HE WAS ILL , SO WHEN I WAS NEXT IN COLLE GE I THOUGHT I 'D CALL IN ON HIM TO SEE HOW HE WAS . $ HE 'S GOT ONE OF THOSE NASTY NEW MODERN LITTLE ROOMS , AND I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND WENT IN . $ IT WAS ABOUT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON , HE WAS IN BED , THE CURTAINS WERE DRAWN , THE FIRE WAS ON AND THE STENCH WA S INCREDIBLE . $ WE TALKED FOR A BIT . $ HE OFFERED ME A BISCUIT . $ THEN , ANXIOUS TO BEAT A HASTY RETREAT , I SAID I HOPED HE W OULD BE BETTER SOON . $ THEN HE TOLD ME THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WIT HIM . $ #30 $ IT SEEMS HE 'D SPENT THE LONG VACATION STUDYING VARIOUS POLI TICAL AND ECONOMIC WORKS WHICH HAD PLUNGED HIM INTO SUCH A S TATE OF TOTAL DESPAIR , THAT HE HAD DECIDED TO DEVISE SOME K IND OF FINAL SOLUTION . $ AT THE BEGINNING OF TERM HE HAD LAID IN ENORMOUS SUPPLIES OF SOUP , CORNFLAKES , BISCUITS , COFFEE AND SUGAR - AND THEN GONE TO BED . $ SINCE THEN , HE 'D BEEN IN BED TWENTY-TWO HOURS A DAY , BROO DING , ONLY GETTING UP TO FIX HIMSELF A MEAL , AND NEVER LEA VING THE ROOM EXCEPT FOR THE ODD TRIP TO THE LAVATORY . $ " BUT , BOOT , " I SAID , " BUT , BOOT , WHY THIS SUDDEN INT EREST IN POLITICS ? $ IT 'S NOT EVEN YOUR FACULTY . $ CAN'T YOU , DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD REALLY BE BETTER , TO T URN YOUR ATTENTION BACK TO WORDSWORTH ? " $ WORDSWORTH , HE SAID , WITH SOME PASSION , HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING , AND HIS WORK , LIKE ALL ART , WAS A LOT OF SELF-INDULGENT SHIT WHICH HAD NO RELEVANCE TO OUR PROBLEMS A ND WAS NO HELP AT ALL TO MAN OR BEAST . $ I MUST SAY , THE WAY HE PUT IT , IT SOUNDED QUITE CONVINCING . $ I SAID TO HIM : " LOOK , IT 'S NOT NECESSARY TO UPSET YOURSE LF LIKE THIS . $ NO ONE 'S EXPECTING YOU TO COME UP WITH AN ANSWER TO ALL THE PROBLEMS OF WESTERN DEMOCRACY . " $ " YES , THEY ARE , " HE SAID , " I AM . " $ FURTHER DISCUSSION SEEMED POINTLESS . $ SO I LEFT HIM . $ 04 AND WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 02 WELL , HE STAYED IN BED FOR THE NEXT SIX WEEKS , SENDING POLITE NOTES WHENEVER HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TURNING UP SOMEW HERE , AND I DID NOTHING ABOUT IT , BECAUSE , BECAUSE I RATH ER ADMIRED HIM . $ AND FINALLY HE REACHED A DECISION . $ HE ARRIVED AT A CONCLUSION . $ HE GOT OUT OF BED ONE AFTERNOON , TOOK ALL HIS BOOKS DOWN FR OM THE SHELVES , AND PILED THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM . $ THEN HE ADDED ALL HIS PAPERS AND NOTES , WRAPPED THE WHOLE B UNDLE UP IN HIS GOWN AND SET FIRE TO IT . $ HE ALSO SET FIRE TO THE CURTAINS , AND TURNED THE GAS ON . $ THEN HE PUT HIS DRESSING-GOWN ON AND LEFT THE BUILDING . $ A COUPLE OF HIS FRIENDS SAW HIM WANDERING ABOUT AND ASKED HI M JOVIALLY WHAT HE WAS DOING UP AT THAT TIME OF DAY . $ HE TOLD THEM HE 'D JUST SET FIRE TO THE COLLEGE . $ #31 $ THEY CARRIED ON THEIR WAY WITH MUCH MERRY LAUGHTER . $ A MOMENT LATER HIS WINDOWS BLEW OUT . $ 05 WAS THERE MUCH DAMAGE DONE ? $ 02 HIS ROOM WAS GUTTED . $ A LITTLE LATER THEY CAME TO TAKE HIM AWAY . $ HE 'S BEEN FORMALLY SENT DOWN , WHICH I THINK WAS QUITE UNNE CESSARY . $ I UNDERSTAND THAT SINCE HE 'S BEEN ADMITTED , HE 'S BEEN QUI TE UNABLE TO MOVE . $ 04 I THINK THAT 'S VERY SAD . $ 05 I 'D SAY HE HAS A PROMISING CAREER AHEAD OF HIM . $ 06 WHAT AS ? $ 05 A LITERARY CRITIC . $ 02 I SHOULD THINK THAT 'S HIGHLY UNLIKELY . $ 05 I DON'T KNOW . $ HE SOUNDS IDEAL . $ DO YOU KNOW , I WAS ACTUALLY FORCED TO WRITE A LETTER TO SOM E WRETCH A FEW WEEKS AGO . $ HE SAID MY NOVEL WAS TOO CLEVER BY HALF . $ SO I WROTE AND SAID JUDGING BY THE PROSE STYLE OF YOUR REVIE W , I AM FORCED TO CONCLUDE , SIR , THAT ON THE CONTRARY , Y OU ARE TOO STUPID BY HALF . $ KINDLY LEAVE THE T.L.S. $ < ( HE LAUGHS . ) > $ 02 I REALLY DON'T SEE WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH BOOT . $ 05 NOW YOU COME TO MENTION IT , I SUPPOSE THERE IS NO LOGICA L CONNECTION . $ I FORGOT WE WERE SUBJECT TO THE AUSTERE DISCIPLINES OF ACADE MIC TRADITION . $ I HOPE YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME FIFTY LINES . $ < ( HE MAKES A MOCK APPEAL TO CELIA . ) > $ ARE THEY ALL LIKE THIS ? $ 04 NO , DON IS IN A CLASS OF HIS OWN . $ HE 'S THE ONLY ONE OF MY TUTORS WHO HASN'T MADE A PASS AT ME . $ 05 REALLY ? $ 04 YES . $ I DON'T COUNT PHILIP , OF COURSE . $ ANYWAY , HE DOESN'T TEACH ME . $ 01 YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME PROFESSOR BURROWS MADE A PAS S AT YOU ? $ 04 AH , NO , WELL I 'VE MADE AN INTERESTING DISCOVERY ABOUT PROFESSOR BURROWS . $ PROFESSOR BURROWS IS ACTUALLY DEAD . $ 01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 04 WELL , I HAPPENED TO SEE HIM WITH HIS WIFE JUST BEFORE ON E OF THOSE LECTURES HE 'S BEEN GIVING FOR DECADES , AND SHE HAD HER HAND UP INSIDE HIS GOWN . $ #32 $ STRANGE , I THOUGHT , AND IT WAS ONLY LATER THAT IT DAWNED O N ME WHAT SHE WAS DOING : SHE WAS WINDING HIM UP . $ AFTER THAT EVERYTHING BECAME CLEAR - HIS VOICE , HIS COLOURI NG , THE FACT THAT HE NEVER TAKES ANY NOTICE OF WHAT ANYONE SAYS IN SEMINARS . $ HE 'S BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS . $ THEY 'VE INSTALLED A TYPE-RECORDER BETWEEN HIS EARS , AND MR S. B. STACKS HIM AWAY IN THE 'FRIDGE EVERY NIGHT . $ THAT 'S IT . $ IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING , THE SYLLABUS , EVERYTHING . $ HE 'S A CONTEMPORARY OF BEOWULF . $ 02 WHO DOES THAT LEAVE ? $ 01 JOHNSON . $ 02 OH , INEVITABLY . $ 04 < ( TO BRAHAM ) > $ JOHNSON IS THE YOUNG LION . $ HE 'S A SIX-BEFORE-BREAKFAST MAN . $ HE LECTURES ON KEATS WITH SUCH VIGOUR AND VERVE THAT THE STI CKY YOUNG GIRLS IN THE FRONT ROW BELIEVE HE IS KEATS . $ HE 'S YOUR TYPICAL ESTABLISHMENT MISFIT . $ 02 AND WAS HE STYLISH ABOUT IT ? $ 04 STYLISH ? $ IT WAS ONE OF THE CLUMSIEST GROPES I 'VE UNDERGONE FOR A LON G TIME . $ AT THE BEGINNING OF THE TUTORIAL , HE POURED ME A DRINK AND CAME AND SAT NEXT TO ME ON THE SOFA , AND I THOUGHT THIS IS IT , FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS . $ BUT HE WAS JUST TERRIBLY NERVOUS , HE SAT THERE LOOKING STRA INED AND BURBLING ON ABOUT THE ROMANTICS FOR THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR , AND THEN SUDDENLY HE GRABBED MY FURTHER SHOULDE R AND WRENCHED ME ROUND SO ABRUPTLY I EMPTIED MY SHERRY ALL OVER HIS CAMEL-HAIR TROUSERS . $ THAT THREW HIM FOR A SECOND . $ BUT HE OBVIOUSLY HAD THE SENTENCE ALL WORKED OUT AND HE TOLD ME HE THOUGHT I WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL , AND WOULD I HAVE DINNE R WITH HIM . $ I SAID I THOUGHT HE 'D BETTER GO AND CHANGE HIS TROUSERS BEF ORE THE NEXT TUTORIAL OR HIS PUPILS WOULD THINK HE 'D BEEN A T THE SWINBURNE AGAIN . ' $ 05 HOW DID HE HANDLE THAT ? $ 04 BADLY . $ POOR MAN , HE WAS DESPERATELY EMBARRASSED . $ HE 'S NEVER STOPPED APOLOGIZING EVER SINCE . $ I QUITE LIKE HIM NOW . $ #33 $ RATHER HIM THAN NOAKES ANY DAY . $ 02 NOAKES ? $ < ( HE IS AMUSED AT THE THOUGHT . ) > $ 04 < ( TO BRAHAM ) > $ NOAKES , I MUST TELL YOU , IS NOT ONE OF THE WORLD'S TEN BES T . $ IN FACT , HE LOOKS AS IF HE 'S ESCAPED OFF THE SIDE OF NOTRE DAME . $ HIS FACE IS ENORMOUS . $ AND HE SWEATS PROFUSELY , WHICH MAKES HIM A VERY ... SHINY M AN . $ ICEHOCKEY MATCHES COULD BE PLAYED ON HIS FOREHEAD . $ HE 'S ALSO KIND OF NEANDERTHAL , I MEAN HIS KNUCKLES SCRAPE ALONG THE PAVEMENT AS HE WALKS . $ HE 'S A COLLEGE POLITICIAN , WHICH MEANS HIS TONGUE IS LONG ENOUGH TO REACH PLACES OTHER PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW EXIST . $ I TELL YOU , AT COLLEGE MEETINGS , OR COCKTAIL PARTIES HE LU RCHES FROM ONE IMPORTANT MAN TO ANOTHER , LEAVING A TRAIL LI KE A SLUG . $ FORTUNATELY , HIS FLATTERY IS SO GROTESQUELY AND TRANSPARENT LY INSINCERE , ONLY ABOUT THREE-QUARTERS OF THE OLD CRETINS ARE TAKEN IN BY IT . $ I MUST SAY , THOUGH , HIS GROPE WAS A GREAT DEAL MORE THOROU GH THAN JOHNSON'S . $ FORTUNATELY , HIS PALMS ARE SO SLIMY , HE WASN'T ABLE TO GET A PROPER PURCHASE , AS THEY SAY . $ BUT IT WAS VERY NASTY . $ HE IS , IN EVERY SENSE , OLEAGINOUS . $ 06 I THINK HE 'S RATHER SWEET . $ 04 < CHACUN A SON GOUT . > $ 06 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 04 < ( FEIGNING INNOCENCE ) > $ NOTHING . $ 05 HE CERTAINLY SOUNDS EXTRAORDINARILY REPULSIVE . $ 06 I THINK SHE 'S EXAGGERATING . $ 05 NO , NO , HE SOUNDS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME . $ < ( TO PHILIP . ) > $ WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ALL THIS ? $ 01 WHAT ? $ 05 ALL YOUR COLLEAGUES LECHING AFTER YOUR FIONCE . $ 02 OH , WELL , I THINK IT 'S QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE . $ I DON'T REALLY MIND . $ 05 DON'T YOU ? $ I 'M SURE I WOULD . $ 01 I DON'T KNOW , YOU KNOW ... $ 05 HOW COME YOU DON'T TEACH HER ? $ IS THERE SOME FIFTEENTH-CENTURY STATUTE AGAINST SEEING YOUR BETROTHED IN SCHOOL HOURS ? $ #34 $ 01 NO , THE THING IS , I TEACH PHILOLOGY WHICH IS SORT OF OP TIONAL , AND OLD TEXTS AND THINGS LIKE THAT , WHICH SHE DOES N'T DO BECAUSE SHE 'S A GRADUATE . $ 05 PHILOLOGY ? $ 01 YES . $ 05 MY GOD , I THOUGHT THAT WENT OUT YEARS AGO . $ 01 NO . $ 05 I SEEM TO REMEMBER IT AS THE ONLY SUBJECT WHICH CUNNINGLY COMBINED THE BOREDOM OF THE SCIENCE FACULTIES WITH THE USEL ESSNESS OF THE ARTS FACULTIES . $ 01 WELL ... $ 05 THE WORST OF BOTH CULTURES . $ 01 MOST PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THAT WAY . $ BUT I ... FIND IT INTERESTING . $ 05 WHY ? $ HOW ? $ 01 WORDS . $ WORDS AS OBJECTS . $ THE DEVELOPMENT OF WORDS . $ ABUSE OF WORDS . $ WORDS ILLUSTRATING CIVILIZATION . $ I MEAN , I CAN'T GO INTO IT NOW , BUT ALL THIS NEW WORK THAT 'S BEING DONE IN STRUCTURAL LINGUISTICS , I FIND ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING . $ 05 STRUCTURAL LINGUISTICS , WHAT 'S THAT , A YET MORE COMPLI CATED METHOD OF OVER-SIMPLIFICATION ? $ 01 YOU MIGHT SAY SO . $ 05 YOU SAY YOU CAN'T GO INTO IT NOW . $ DOES THAT MEAN YOU DON'T THINK I COULD GRASP IT ? $ 01 I 'M SURE YOU COULD GRASP IT , I JUST DON'T THINK IT WOUL D INTEREST YOU VERY MUCH . $ 05 YES , YOU MAY BE RIGHT . $ 01 BUT IT DOES MAKE ME NOTICE THINGS . $ FOR INSTANCE , YOU 'RE SUPPOSED TO BE , I MEAN YOU ARE , A S UCCESSFUL WRITER , YOU MAKE YOUR LIVING OUT OF STRINGING WOR DS TOGETHER . $ SO IT 'S VERY INTERESTING FOR ME TO TRY TO SEE HOW YOUR LANG UAGE IS FORMED . $ 05 AND HOW IS IT FORMED ? $ 01 WELL , I NOTICED JUST NOW YOU SAID SOMETHING WAS EXTRAORD INARILY REPULSIVE , AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS VERY REVEALING BE CAUSE IT WAS A PHRASE DON USED A FEW MINUTES AGO . $ #35 $ 05 WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT ? $ 01 WELL , IT SHOWS YOUR ABILITY FOR PICKING OUT AND RETAININ G STRIKING PHRASES , SUBCONSCIOUSLY OF COURSE , BUT ... $ 05 ACTUALLY , AS A MATTER OF FACT ... $ 01 < ( ENTHUSIASTICALLY ) > $ SEE , THAT 'S ANOTHER THING , THE WORD " ACTUALLY " , YOU US E IT A GREAT DEAL . $ 05 WHY SHOULDN'T I ? $ 01 NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN'T , YOU JUST DO . $ 05 I THINK YOU 'RE BEING SUBTLY INSULTING . $ 01 NO , NOT AT ALL , I ... $ 05 YES , YOU ARE , GO ON , WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT ? $ 01 I 'M NOT . $ 05 I THINK THERE 'S NOTHING CRUDER THAN AN EXCESS OF SUBTLET Y . $ 01 NO , LOOK , I 'M JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION . $ LIKE WHAT YOU JUST SAID . $ THAT 'S SOMETHING ELSE . $ YOUR USE OF PARADOX . $ YOU 'VE GOT IT DOWN TO A FINE ART , IT 'S A REFLEX ACTION . $ YOU 'VE DIGESTED THAT IT 'S AN EXTREMELY SIMPLE AND EXTREMEL Y EFFECTIVE TECHNIQUE . $ 05 YOU ARE BEING INSULTING ! $ < ( SILENCE . $ BRAHAM IS ANGRY , PHILIP SOMEWHAT UPSET . $ THE OTHERS ARE BECOMING EMBARRASSED . ) > $ 01 NO . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 04 HE 'S NOT . $ HE 'S JUST OBSESSED WITH THE WAY PEOPLE TALK , THAT 'S ALL . $ SOMETIMES I THINK HE 'S MORE INTERESTED IN THAT THAN IN WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAY . $ 05 WHAT THEY WHAT ? $ 04 ACTUALLY SAY . $ 05 < ( TRIUMPHANTLY , TO PHILIP ) > $ SEE , I 'M NOT THE ONLY ONE . $ 01 NO , I KNOW . $ CELIA USES IT QUITE OFTEN AS WELL . $ 05 < ( TO CELIA ) > $ YOU 'RE OBVIOUSLY MY KIND OF PERSON . $ 02 ACTUALLY ... $ < ( HE STOPS DEAD . ) > $ ER , NO , I MEAN , SHIT , YES , WHY NOT , ACTUALLY ... GOD , FUCKIT , I 'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY NOW . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ OH , YES , I WAS GOING TO SAY PHILIP IS QUITE REMARKABLE WIT H WORDS . $ #36 $ HE CAN GIVE YOU AN ANAGRAM OF ANY WORD OR PHRASE , IF THERE IS ONE , IN ABOUT TWO MINUTES , WORKING IT OUT IN HIS HEAD . $ 05 REALLY ? $ 02 YES . $ 04 TRY HIM . $ 01 NO , I DON'T THINK ... $ 05 AH , NO , YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT AS EASY A S THAT . $ I WANT AN EXAMPLE OF THIS . $ GIVE ME AN ANAGRAM OF ... GIVE ME AN ANAGRAM OF " LA COMEDIE FRANCAISE " . $ < ( SILENCE . $ PHILIP CONCENTRATES . ) > $ 01 IN FRENCH ? $ 05 < ( MAGNANIMOUSLY ) > $ NO , NO , ENGLISH WILL DO . $ < ( PAUSE . $ HE RETURNS HIS ATTENTION TO THE OTHERS . ) > $ I ALWAYS GO THERE WHEN I 'M IN PARIS . $ GOD KNOWS WHY . $ ALL THAT FRENCH CLASSICAL THEATRE . $ TERRIBLE CAMP OLD RUBBISH . $ 06 IT 'S SO STYLIZED , ISN'T IT ? $ 05 < ( IGNORING HER ) > $ MIND YOU , THE FRENCH NEVER GO THERE . $ WOULDN'T GO NEAR IT . $ IT 'S FULL OF AMERICANS AND GERMANS . $ LAST TIME I WENT , I HAD THIS ENORMOUS AMERICAN LADY SITTING NEXT TO ME , AND JUST AS THE LIGHTS WENT DOWN , MARK YOU , AND THEY WERE BANGING THAT THING ON THE STAGE , SHE LEANT AC ROSS AND SAID , ' EXCUSE ME , I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO READ MY PROGRAMME , WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT THE PLAY IS ABOUT , BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD THEY 'RE SAYING . ' $ SO I SAID , " WELL , MADAM , IT 'S ABOUT A MAN WHO HATES HUM ANITY SO MUCH THAT HE WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY REFUSE TO EXPLAIN TH E PLOT OF A WORLD-FAMOUS PLAY TO AN IGNORANT TOURIST . " $ 06 YOU DIDN'T REALLY ? $ 05 SHE THANKED ME . $ PROFUSELY . $ 06 WHICH PLAY WAS IT ? $ 05 < ( COLDLY ) > $ THREE GUESSES . $ < ( HE BROODS FOR A MOMENT . ) > $ ANYWAY , I HATE THE FROGS . $ 01 A DEFENCE O' RACIALISM . $ 05 WHAT ? $ #37 $ 01 A DEFENCE O' RACIALISM . $ IT DOESN'T QUITE WORK . $ THERE 'S AN F MISSING . $ BUT IT 'S THE BEST I CAN DO . $ 05 < ( SOURLY ) > $ WONDERFUL . $ 01 THANK YOU . $ 05 NOW PERHAPS YOU 'LL OBLIGE US WITH A FART . $ 02 IT 'S EXCEPTIONALLY DIFFICULT TO DO , THAT . $ YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME . $ 05 WHAT ? $ 02 THAT ANAGRAM GAME . $ 05 OH , NO , IF WE MUST PLAY GAMES , FOR GOD'S SAKE LET THEM BE SIMPLE . $ 02 SHALL WE PLAY A GAME ? $ 06 OO , YES , LET 'S . $ WHAT ABOUT MURDER ? $ 04 < ( MALICIOUSLY ) > $ POSTMAN'S KNOCK . $ 05 I THINK IT 'S A BIT LATE FOR ALL THAT . $ I 'M FOR A QUICK HAND OF EMPTYING THE BRANDY BOTTLE , AND TH EN I MUST BE ON MY WAY . $ 01 < ( VAGUELY ) > $ I 'VE GOT SOME CARPET BOWLS SOMEWHERE . $ 05 < ( HANDING PHILIP HIS GLASS ) > $ SOME OTHER TIME , PERHAPS . $ < ( SILENCE . $ PHILIP POURS BRANDY FOR BRAHAM , CELIA AND DON , CREME DE ME NTHE FOR ARAMINTA . $ LIZ COVERS HER GLASS WITH HER HAND . ) > $ 06 ARE YOU WRITING A NEW NOVEL ? $ 05 YES , I AM . $ IT 'S NEARLY FINISHED . $ 06 WHAT 'S IT ABOUT ? $ 05 IT 'S ABOUT A SOCIAL WORKER , WHO , AFTER YEARS OF UNREMI TTING TOIL , FINALLY SEES THE LIGHT , AND RENOUNCES EVERYTHI NG TO BECOME A MERCHANT BANKER . $ I 'M GOING TO GIVE IT A REALLY UNFASHIONABLE HAPPY ENDING . $ IT 'S GOING TO FINISH WITH HIS MARRIAGE TO A SENSITIVE FILM STAR . $ 06 SOUNDS INTRIGUING . $ 05 IF IT DOES AS WELL AS THE LAST ONE , I 'M GOING TO HAVE T O LEAVE THE THE COUNTRY . $ 06 WHY ? $ 05 TAX . $ THE TAX SYSTEM IS ABSOLUTELY INIQUITOUS . $ WHAT DO THEY DO WITH IT ALL , I DON'T KNOW . $ YOU 'D THINK THEY 'D MAKE SOME SORT OF REASONABLE ALLOWANCE . $ . $ #38 $ AFTER ALL , I AM A DOLLAR-EARNER . $ 06 BUT THE SYSTEM 'S ALWAYS BEEN WEIGHTED AGAINST ARTISTS , HASNT'T IT ? $ 05 YES , ALL THAT 'S IN THE BOOK . $ ALTHOUGH IT 'S MAINLY , AS I SAY , ABOUT THIS SELF-SACRIFICI NG CHARACTER WHO GIVES UP THE COMFORTS OF MORAL SUPERIORITY FOR THE HARSH REALITIES OF HIGH FINANCE . $ SHOULD BRING FOAM TO THE LIPS OF THE PROGRESSIVES . $ IT 'LL BE ONE UP THE NOSES OF ALL THE SELF-APPOINTED SALT OF THE EARTH WHO PREACH THE REVOLUTION IN THE HAPPY AND COMFOR TABLE KNOWLEDGE THAT IT 'LL NEVER COME . $ 02 THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN IT , YOU KNOW . $ 05 < ( ACIDLY ) > $ THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN GOD . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 02 I DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH IT . $ 05 NO , WELL , NEVER MIND , PERHAPS YOU 'RE RIGHT . $ < ( HE EMPTIES HIS GLASS . ) > $ IN ANY CASE , I MUST BE GETTING ALONG . $ IT 'S BEEN A DELIGHTFUL EVENING . $ < ( HE LOOKS OVER TO CELIA . ) > $ CAN I GIVE ANYONE A LIFT ? $ ONLY ONE OF YOU , I 'M AFRAID , BECAUSE IT 'S ONLY A TWO-SEA TER . $ 06 YES , PLEASE . $ 05 ER , RIGHT , O.K. , WHERE DO YOU LIVE ? $ 06 JUST ROUND THE CORNER , ACTUALLY . $ 05 OH , WELL , THAT 'S ALL RIGHT , IF IT 'S VERY NEAR BY , Y OU CAN SQUEEZE IN THE BACK , AND I CAN TAKE SOMEONE ELSE . $ < ( TO CELIA . ) > $ WHERE DO YOU LIVE ? $ 04 BRADLEY ROAD . $ 05 IS THAT FAR ? $ 04 ABOUT HALF-AN-HOUR'S WALK . $ 05 O . K . , FINE . $ 04 I THINK PERHAPS I SHOULD STAY AND CLEAR UP A BIT . $ 01 NO , THAT 'S ALL RIGHT , LOVE , I 'LL DO IT . $ 04 < ( MEANINGFULLY ) > $ BUT I 'D LIKE TO STAY . $ 01 NO , IT 'LL BE QUITE ALL RIGHT , YOU 'VE DONE ENOUGH WORK FOR THIS EVENING . $ 02 COME TO THINK OF IT , ARAMINTA , IT 'D PROBABLY BE EASIER IF YOU COME WITH ME . $ #39 $ I SHALL BE DRIVING LIZ BACK . $ 01 I 'M SORRY I HAVEN'T GOT MY CAR . $ I LENT IT TO A FRIEND THIS EVENING . $ 05 RIGHT , GOOD , THAT 'S ALL SETTLED THEN . $ < ( HE GETS UP , TURNS TO CELIA . ) > $ SHALL WE BE OFF ? $ 04 < ( TO PHILIP ) > $ ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAY ? $ 01 QUITE SURE . $ 04 RIGHT THEN . $ < ( BRAHAM AND CELIA MOVE OVER TO THE DOOR . ) > $ 05 THANKS AGAIN . $ LOVELY TO MEET YOU . $ AND MAY ALL YOUR TROUBLES BE LEXICOLOGICAL ONES . $ 01 I 'LL SHOW YOU OUT . $ 04 GOOD NIGHT . $ 06 GOOD NIGHT . $ 02 < ( CHARMING ) > $ GOOD-BYE . $ < ( PHILIP SHOWS THEM OUT AMID GENERAL SALUTATIONS . ) > $ 02 MISERABLE BUGGER . $ < ( PAUSE . $ HE GETS UP . ) > $ ARE WE ALL READY , THEN ? $ < ( LIZ GETS UP , ARAMINTA REMAINS SEATED . ) > $ 06 PERHAPS ... IT 'S A TERRIBLE MESS . $ PERHAPS I 'LL STAY AND GIVE HIM A HAND . $ 02 IT 'S A KIND THOUGHT . $ I DON'T SUPPOSE HE 'D LET YOU . $ 06 I DON'T KNOW , I MIGHT BE ABLE TO PERSUADE HIM . $ < ( PHILIP RE-ENTERS . ) > $ 01 YOU GOING AS WELL ? $ 02 YES , I THINK WE 'D BETTER . $ 06 I 'M GOING TO STAY AND HELP YOU CLEAR UP . $ 01 OH , NO , THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $ 06 THEN YOU CAN WALK ME HOME . $ HOW 'S THAT FOR A BARGAIN ? $ 01 WELL ... $ 06 FRESH AIR WILL DO YOU GOOD . $ 01 WELL , ALL RIGHT , THAT 'S VERY KIND . $ < ( DON AND LIZ ARE BY THE DOOR . $ PHILIP GOES OVER AND SHOWS THEM OUT . $ SOUNDS OF LEAVE-TAKING FROM THE HALL . $ ARAMINTA STARTS PILING PLATES IN A FAIRLY DESULTORY WAY . $ PHILIP RETURNS . ) > $ #40 $ 01 IT 'S VERY GOOD OF YOU , THIS . $ 06 NONSENSE . $ YOU JUST SIT DOWN . $ < ( PHILIP SINKS DOWN ON TO THE SOFA , SIGHING . ) > $ 01 JUST STICK THEM IN THE KITCHEN . $ MY MAN WILL DO THEM TOMORROW . $ 06 TIRED ? $ 01 EXHAUSTED . $ 06 IT WAS A GREAT SUCCESS . $ < ( PHILIP SMILES WANLY . $ SILENCE . $ ARAMINTA PAUSES IN HER WORK . ) > $ 06 WHAT TIME DOES HE COME IN ? $ 02 WHO ? $ 06 YOUR MAN . $ 01 < ( UNEASILY ) > $ ABOUT ELEVEN , USUALLY . $ < ( SILENCE . $ ARAMINTA LEAVES THE TABLE AND MOVES ROUND BEHIND THE SOFA TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW . $ PHILIP SEEMS ANXIOUS . $ AFTER SOME HESITATION , HE STEALS A GLANCE AT HER . ) > $ 01 NOT RAINING , IS IT ? $ 06 NO . $ 01 OH , GOOD . $ < ( ARAMINTA WANDERS ACROSS UNTIL SHE IS DIRECTLY BEHIND PHI LIP . $ THEN , SHE LEANS FORWARD AND BEGINS TO MASSAGE HIS TEMPLES G ENTLY . $ THIS HAS THE EFFECT OF MAKING HIM SEEM EVEN LESS RELAXED . $ AFTER A TIME , SHE MOVES ROUND AND SITS ON HIS KNEE . ) > $ 06 HELLO . $ 01 ERM , HELLO . $ < ( SHE KISSES HIM . ) > $ 06 IS THAT NICE ? $ 01 VERY . $ COULD YOU , COULD YOU JUST MOVE DOWN A BIT ? $ < ( SHE DOES SO , AND PHILIP'S LOOK OF INTENSE PAIN CHANGES TO ONE OF ACUTE ANXIETY . ) > $ 06 BETTER ? $ 01 YES . $ < ( SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN . ) > $ 06 SHALL WE GO TO BED ? $ < ( BRIEF SILENCE . ) > $ 01 I 'LL ... JUST GO AND GET MY COAT . $ #41 $ < ( ARAMINTA STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT IN BLANK INCOMPREHEN SION , THEN REALIZES WHAT HE MEANS . $ SHE STANDS UP . ) > $ 06 I MEANT TOGETHER . $ 01 OH , I WASN'T QUITE SURE . $ < ( PANIC OVERCOMES HIM . $ HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH , STARES FIXEDLY AT IT FOR A MOMENT . ) > $ 06 WELL ? $ 01 WELL ... $ 06 DON'T BE TOO ENTHUSIASTIC . $ 01 IT 'S JUST ... IT 'S JUST ... $ 06 WHAT ? $ 01 < ( CLUTCHING AT A STRAW ) > $ I HAVEN'T ANY , HAVEN'T GOT ANY ... $ 06 NOT NECESSARY . $ 01 OH . $ 06 IF YOU DON'T WANT TO , JUST SAY SO -- $ 01 NO , NO , I DO , I DO . $ 06 - AND I 'LL GO HOME -- $ 01 NO . $ 06 - IT 'S NOT A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH TO ME , YOU KNOW . $ < ( PHILIP STANDS UP . ) > $ 01 I KNOW , I 'M SORRY , IT JUST TOOK ME A BIT BY SURPRISE , THAT 'S ALL . $ < ( HE KISSES HER . ) > $ 06 DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A VERY PLEASANT SURPRISE . $ 01 PLEASE . $ < ( HE KISSES HER AGAIN . ) > $ IT 'S JUST THAT I 'M SHY , THAT 'S ALL . $ 06 I KNOW . $ I LOVE SHY MEN . $ 01 ALL RIGHT NOW ? $ 06 YES . $ < ( THEY EMBRACE . ) > $ 06 IS THAT THE BEDROOM , THROUGH THERE ? $ 01 YES . $ < ( SHE MOVES ACROSS TO IT , TURNS AT THE DOOR . ) > $ 06 DON'T BE LONG . $ < ( PHILIP SMILES WEAKLY AT HER , AS SHE EXITS , THEN SINKS DOWN ON TO THE SOFA AGAIN . $ A MOMENT LATER HE GETS UP , MOVES OVER TO THE TABLE , TAKES A CIGARETTE FROM THE CIGARETTE BOX , AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUT H , WHERE IT HANGS LIMPLY FOR A MOMENT . $ #42 $ THEN HE RETURNS IT TO THE BOX , AND SIGHS DEEPLY . ) > $ 01 GOD HELP US ALL . $ < ( HE EXITS WEARILY AND RELUCTANTLY INTO THE BEDROOM , LEAV ING THE STAGE EMPTY . ) > $ < CURTAIN > $ < ( ARIA : " O WIE ANGSTLICH " FROM MOZART'S " DIE ENTFUHRUN G AUS DEM SERAIL " , FOLLOWED , DURING THE INTERVAL , BY THE ARIA : " DIES BILDNIS IST BEZAUBERND SCHON " FROM " DIE ZAU BERFLOTE " , AND THE ARIA : " WENN DER FREUDE TRANEN FLIESSE N " FROM " DIE ENTFUHRUNG . " ) > $ #43 $ < FOUR > $ < THE NEXT MORNING . $ ARAMINTA IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH A CUP OF COFFEE AND A CIGARETTE , READING THE NEWSPAPER . $ THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR . $ SHE LOOKS UP , STARTLED . $ CELIA WALKS IN , SEES ARAMINTA AND STOPS DEAD . $ ARAMINTA GETS UP , QUICKLY . $ IT TAKES HER A MOMENT TO REGAIN HER COMPOSURE . > $ 06 ER , HELLO . $ 04 GOOD MORNING . $ IS PHILIP IN , BY ANY CHANCE ? $ 06 I BELIEVE HE 'S IN THE BATH . $ 04 OH , REALLY ? $ < ( THE SHOCK IS BEGINNING TO LEAVE HER . ) > $ ALONE ? $ 06 I THINK SO . $ 04 YOU 'RE SLIPPING . $ < ( SHE HELPS HERSELF TO A CIGARETTE , LIGHTS IT . ) > $ WELL , I MUST SAY , I AM SURPRISED . $ 06 WHY ? $ 04 I NEVER THOUGHT YOU 'D MANAGE TO ADD PHILIP TO YOUR COLLE CTION . $ 06 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 04 YOU KNOW , I SOMETIMES THINK , ALTHOUGH I CAN NEVER QUITE BRING MYSELF TO ACCEPT IT , THAT YOU REALLY ARE AS THICK AS YOU PRETEND TO BE . $ 06 YOU 'RE VERY OFFENSIVE , THIS MORNING . $ 04 I 'M VERY OFFENDED . $ I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU COULDN'T HAVE LEFT HIM ALONE . $ DO YOU WRITE ALL THEIR NAMES UP IN A BOOK OF REMEMBRANCE , O R SOMETHING ? $ DO YOU GIVE EVERY HUNDREDTH ONE A PAIR OF GOLD CUFF-LINKS WI TH SOME DISCREETLY EROTIC MOTIF ? $ ARE YOU THINKING OF TURNING PROFESSIONAL ? $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ #44 $ 06 WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME COFFEE ? $ 04 NO , I WOULD NOT . $ 06 DON'T BE LIKE THAT . $ 04 WHY NOT ? $ 06 IT WASN'T SERIOUS . $ 04 WHY DID YOU BOTHER , THEN ? $ 06 THAT 'S AN ABSURD QUESTION . $ I JUST FELT LIKE IT . $ 04 DIDN'T YOU STOP TO CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES ? $ 06 THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES . $ AT LEAST , THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN , IF YOU HADN'T WALKED I N JUST NOW . $ THE IDEA WAS , YOU SEE , THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT . $ 04 WELL , ALL I CAN SAY IS , THERE 'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TAST E . $ 06 WHAT , HIS TASTE OR MY TASTE . $ 04 < ( FLUSTERED ) > $ HIS TASTE . $ 06 YOU SHOULD KNOW , YOU 'RE ENGAGED TO HIM . $ 04 THAT 'S MY BUSINESS . $ 06 I KNOW . $ I HOPE HE GIVES BETTER SERVICE THAN HE GAVE ME . $ 04 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 06 NEVER MIND . $ 04 HOW CAN YOU BE SO CHEAP AND DISGUSTING ? $ 06 PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT . $ 04 YES , APPARENTLY . * 06 AND WHERE DID YOU SPEND LAST NIGHT ? $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 04 LOOK , WILL YOU , WILL YOU PLEASE TELL PHILIP THAT I CALL ED - $ 06 WHY DON'T YOU WAIT AND TELL HIM YOURSELF ? $ 04 - AND THAT I WON'T BE CALLING AGAIN . $ 06 THAT 'S RIDICULOUS , YOU CAN'T MEAN THAT , I CAN'T TELL H IM THAT . $ 04 < ( MOVING TO THE DOOR ) > $ DON'T , THEN . $ 06 THERE 'S NO NEED TO BE LIKE THAT ABOUT IT , HONESTLY . $ I PROMISE YOU , I WON'T BE COMING BACK FOR MORE . $ IF THAT 'S THE WORD . $ 04 WELL , NEITHER WILL I . $ < ( CELIA STORMS OUT . $ ARAMINTA SITS DOWN , REFLECTS FOR A MOMENT , THEN RETURNS TO THE PAPER . $ #45 $ A MOMENT LATER , PHILIP ENTERS . $ HE AND ARAMINTA GREET EACH OTHER WARILY . $ HE POURS A CUP OF COFFEE , SUGARS AND STIRS IT , THEN MOVES OVER TO THE WINDOW . ) > $ 01 IT 'S A GOOD VIEW , ISN'T IT ? $ 06 YES , VERY NICE . $ 01 YOU CAN SEE THE RIVER . $ IN THE DISTANCE . $ WHEN THE TIDE 'S IN . $ < ( LONGISH PAUSE . ) > $ IT 'S OUT AT THE MOMENT . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ LOOK , I 'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT . $ 06 NO NEED TO BE . $ 01 YES , IT WAS AWFUL , I MEAN , IT MUST HAVE BEEN AWFUL FOR YOU . $ 06 NO , IT WASN'T . $ 01 THE THING IS , I SUPPOSE I WAS A BIT TAKEN BY SURPRISE . $ IT 'S THE FIRST TIME THAT 'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME . $ 06 YOU 'RE NOT ... YOU 'RE NOT TRYING TO TELL ME YOU WERE A VIRGIN . $ 01 NO , NO . $ NO , NOT THAT . $ 06 OH , YOU MEAN , IT 'S THE FIRST TIME YOU 'VE NOT BEEN ABL E TO MAKE IT . $ 01 NOT THAT , EITHER . $ 06 WHAT THEN ? $ 01 IT 'S JUST THE FIRST TIME I 'VE EVER BEEN ASKED LIKE THAT , POINT-BLANK . $ I THINK I MUST HAVE FOUND IT RATHER DISCONCERTING . $ 06 AND THAT 'S WHY YOU WERE RATHER ... DISCONCERTED . $ 02 YES . $ 06 IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL . $ IT HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN YOU MIGHT THINK . $ ESPECIALLY THE FIRST TIME . $ 01 OH , DOES IT ? $ 06 < ( BREEZILY ) > $ FIRST-NIGHT NERVES . $ 01 WHAT A ... COLOURFUL DESCRIPTION . $ 06 NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT . $ IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED ... $ < ( PHILIP SMILES , APPALLED . ) > $ 01 HAVE YOU HAD SOME BREAKFAST ? $ 06 COFFEE , I 'VE HAD . $ #46 $ 01 WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO EAT ? $ 06 I DON'T THINK SO , THANKS . $ 01 I USUALLY HAVE AN ENORMOUS BREAKFAST . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 06 DON'T WORRY . $ 01 WHAT ABOUT ? $ 06 ANYTHING . $ I DON'T MIND . $ AT LEAST YOU 'RE KIND AND GENTLE . $ IT 'S MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR MOST OF THEM . $ 01 WHAT DO YOU DO IT FOR ? $ 06 COMPANY . $ I LIKE BEING WITH PEOPLE . $ AND IF YOU 'RE WITH THEM , YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO IT AS NOT . $ DON'T YOU AGREE ? $ 01 I DON'T ... DISAGREE . $ 06 THEY TELL ME I 'M A CLASSIC CASE , BECAUSE MY UNCLE RAPED ME WHEN I WAS TWELVE . $ I 'VE NEVER QUITE BEEN ABLE TO SEE THE CONNECTION , YOU 'D T HINK IT WOULD HAVE PUT ME OFF , WOULDN'T YOU ? $ 01 YES . $ 06 I SUPPOSE IT DID RATHER TAKE THE ROMANCE OUT OF THINGS . $ 01 HAVEN'T YOU EVER ... BEEN IN LOVE WITH ANYONE ? $ 06 NOT REALLY . $ I DID HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH A GYPSY WHEN I WAS ABOUT FIFTEEN . $ I USED TO CLIMB OUT OF THE WINDOW EVERY NIGHT AND CYCLE ABOU T THREE MILES TO MEET HIM . $ HE NEVER USED TO SAY VERY MUCH . $ I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM . $ IT WENT ON FOR ABOUT A MONTH , THEN HE MOVED ON , AND I REME MBER BEING VERY SAD . $ BUT I DON'T KNOW THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM . $ I QUITE OFTEN HERO-WORSHIP PEOPLE , THAT QUITE OFTEN HAPPENS , BUT IT 'S DIFFICULT TO GO ON WITH ONCE YOU KNOW THEM A LI TTLE ... BETTER . $ 01 AND ARE THEY OFTEN CRUEL TO YOU ? $ 06 OH , YES , I 'D SAY SO , WHAT I AM SEEMS TO UPSET THEM IN SOME KIND OF WAY . $ I ALWAYS SEEM TO BRING OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE . $ THERE WAS ONE WHO STOLE MY CLOTHES WHEN I WAS ASLEEP ONE NIG HT AND LOCKED ME IN THE BEDROOM OF HIS FLAT FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS . $ HE WAS THE WORST . $ HE HARDLY GAVE ME ANY FOOD . $ #47 $ HE USED TO THREATEN ME WITH A KNIFE . $ ONCE HE NEARLY STRANGLED ME . $ 01 WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 06 WELL , IN THE END HE CAME AND LET ME OUT . $ I WAS NEARLY GOING MAD . $ THERE SEEMED NO LOGICAL REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T BE THERE , IN THAT DISGUSTING ROOM , FOR EVER . $ BUT FINALLY HE LET ME GO . $ IT WAS STRANGE . $ HE WAS SO ABJECT . $ HE KEPT APOLOGIZING ALL THE TIME , ASKING ME TO FORGIVE HIM . $ THEN , WHEN I WAS LEAVING , HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM . $ 01 GOD . $ 06 I FELT SO SORRY FOR HIM . $ 01 YES . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ IT MUST HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE . $ 06 I COULD TELL YOU THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER FORGET . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 WHY ... WHY DO YOU DO IT ALL ? $ 06 THAT 'S RATHER A SILLY QUESTION . $ 01 YES , YES , IT IS , SORRY . $ 06 I GET LONELY . $ I HATE SLEEPING ALONE . $ ALL THAT . $ 01 YES . $ < ( HE SMILES AT HER . $ SHE GETS UP . ) > $ 06 WELL , I SUPPOSE I 'D BETTER GET DRESSED . $ 01 YES , I 'LL FIX SOME BREAKFAST . $ WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ? $ < ( ARAMINTA TAKES HIS HAND . ) > $ 06 COME ON . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 06 WE 'LL BE ALL RIGHT THIS TIME . $ < ( PHILIP HESITATES . $ A MOMENT OF PRIVATE DILEMMA . ) > $ 01 NO . $ 06 NO ? $ 01 REALLY . $ < ( ARAMINTA LETS GO HIS HAND . ) > $ 06 WELL , ALL RIGHT . $ 01 NO , LISTEN , I THINK I 'D BETTER EXPLAIN . $ 06 THERE 'S NO POINT IN EXPLAINING , LOVE , YOU EITHER WANT TO OR YOU DON'T . $ 01 NO , I MEAN ABOUT LAST NIGHT . $ #48 $ 06 I 'VE TOLD YOU ... $ 01 I KNOW IT WAS MY FAULT , I WAS VERY WEAK-MINDED . $ 06 WEAK-MINDED , WAS IT ? $ 01 I SHOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED , I KNEW IT WOULD BE A DISASTE R . $ 06 WELL , I COULD SEE YOU WERE THROWN BY THE DIRECTNESS OF M Y APPROACH . $ 01 IT WASN'T THAT , IT WAS JUST , I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO . $ 06 I KNOW , IT 'S FUNNY HOW IMPORTANT FIDELITY IS TO SOME PE OPLE . $ I MEAN , IT 'S SOMETHING THAT NEVER OCCURS TO ME . $ 01 IT WASN'T THAT , THE TRUTH IS , I DON'T REALLY FIND YOU A TTRACTIVE . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 06 I SEE . $ 01 NO , DON'T BE UPSET , IT 'S MY FAULT , MY TASTE HAS ALWAY S BEEN TERRIBLY LIMITED . $ 06 < ( UPSET ) > $ I 'M NOT UPSET . $ 01 NO ... $ 06 I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD THINK THAT . $ 01 IT 'S JUST ... $ 06 I MEAN , I DON'T EXACTLY FIND YOU IRRESISTIBLE . $ 01 NO . $ I 'M SORRY ABOUT IT ALL . $ 06 SO YOU SHOULD BE . $ 01 YES . $ 06 IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EASIER IF YOU 'D SAID LAST NIGHT . $ 01 YES . $ 06 DON'T YOU THINK ? $ 01 YES . $ 06 I DON'T KNOW , WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ? $ 01 WELL ... $ 06 ANYWAY , I SHAN'T OFFEND YOUR SIGHT MUCH LONGER . $ 01 YOU DON'T OFFEND MY SIGHT ... $ 06 I 'LL GET DRESSED AND LEAVE YOU ALONE . $ 01 ... THAT 'S NOT IT AT ALL . $ 06 WON'T TAKE ME A MINUTE . $ 01 PLEASE . $ #49 $ 06 A LOT OF PEOPLE DO FIND ME ATTRACTIVE . $ 01 I 'M SURE . $ IT 'S JUST ME . $ I CAN'T SEEM TO LIKE WOMEN UNLESS THEY 'RE ... $ 06 THERE 'S NO NEED TO GO INTO IT . $ 01 NO , ALL RIGHT . $ 06 NOT THAT YOU DID . $ < ( SHE MOVES OFF TOWARDS THE BEDROOM . ) > $ 01 CAN I GET YOU SOME BREAKFAST ? $ 06 WILL YOU PLEASE STOP PARROTING ON ABOUT BREAKFAST ? $ < ( ARAMINTA EXITS . $ PHILIP STANDS DISCONSOLATELY FOR A MINUTE , THEN POURS HIMSE LF A HUGE BOWL OF CORNFLAKES , ADDING SUGAR AND MILK . $ HE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN EATING WHEN ARAMINTA RETURNS , HAVING D RESSED WITH EXTRAORDINARY SPEED . ) > $ 06 THERE IS JUST ONE OTHER THING . $ 01 LOOK , PLEASE DON'T GO . $ 06 THERE IS ONE OTHER THING I SHOULD MENTION TO YOU . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 06 WHEN YOU WERE IN THE BATH . $ 01 YES . $ 06 CELIA . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 06 CALLED . $ 01 GOD . $ WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ? $ 06 I JUST HAVE . $ 01 WHAT ... WHAT DID SHE SAY ? $ 06 SHE SEEMED A BIT PUT OUT . $ 01 PUT OUT ? $ 06 YES . $ SHE ASKED ME TO TELL YOU SHE WOULDN'T BE CALLING AGAIN . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 06 THAT WAS IT , I THINK . $ 01 WHY ? $ 06 WELL , AS FAR AS I COULD GATHER , IT 'S NOT TO DO WITH YO UR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 06 WHY DO YOU THINK , YOU HALF-WITTED BUFFOON ? $ #50 $ 01 BECAUSE YOU WERE HERE . $ < ( ARAMINTA DOES NOT ANSWER . ) > $ OH , GOD . $ 06 PASSION . $ 01 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . $ 06 NO , I 'M SURE YOU DON'T . $ < ( SHE MOVES OVER TO THE DOOR . ) > $ 01 WAIT . $ WHAT DID SHE SAY ? $ 06 WELL , NATURALLY WE DISCUSSED THE WEATHER . $ THEN , AS I REMEMBER , SHE BECAME RATHER IMPOLITE . $ < ( PHILIP GROANS . $ ARAMINTA SOFTENS . ) > $ LOOK , I 'M SORRY IT HAPPENED . $ THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT . $ I THINK I 'D BETTER GO NOW . $ < ( SHE DOES SO . $ PHILIP STANDS FOR A MOMENT , UNCERTAIN . $ THEN HE PICKS UP THE 'PHONE , DIALS A FIVE-FIGURE NUMBER AND WAITS . $ NO ANSWER . $ HE PUTS THE 'PHONE DOWN . $ HE WANDERS BACK TO THE TABLE , SITS DOWN , PICKS UP THE BOWL OF CORNFLAKES AND STARTS EATING . ) > $ < BLACKOUT > $ < ( CHORUS : " VOLLENDET IST DAS GROSSE WERK " FROM HAYDN'S " DIE SCHOPFUNG " . ) > $ #51 $ < FIVE > $ < PHILIP IS SITTING AT HIS DESK , WORKING , LATER THAT DAY . $ A KNOCK AT THE DOOR . $ CELIA WALKS IN . $ PHILIP GETS UP QUICKLY . $ THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT , DISTRAUGHT . > . $ 01 LOVE . $ 04 I JUST CAME BACK TO TELL YOU I WASN'T COMING BACK . $ 01 I 'VE BEEN TRYING TO 'PHONE YOU ALL DAY . $ 04 I 'VE BEEN OUT . $ 01 WORKING ? $ 04 NO , OF COURSE NOT , WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM ? $ 01 I ... $ 04 I SUPPOSE YOU 'VE BEEN WORKING . $ 01 YES . $ 04 TYPICAL . $ 01 I THOUGHT IT WOULD TAKE MY MIND OFF THINGS . $ 04 AND DID IT ? $ 01 NO . $ 04 EVEN MORE TYPICAL . $ 01 WHY ? $ 04 DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID ? $ 01 WHAT ? $ 04 WHEN I CAME IN . $ 01 YES , BUT LISTEN ... $ 04 IF YOU SAY " I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING , " I 'LL PUNCH YOU R BLOODY TEETH IN . $ 01 BUT I CAN . $ 04 I SUPPOSE YOU WERE DISCUSSING MORPHOLOGY ALL NIGHT . $ OR CHECKING HER VOWEL SOUNDS . $ #52 $ 01 NO . $ 04 IT 'S SO INSULTING , PHILIP . $ I MEAN YOU DELIBERATELY GOT RID OF ME . $ 01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 04 WELL , I DID ASK YOU TO LET ME STAY . $ 01 YOU DIDN'T . $ 04 OF COURSE I DID . $ I COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT MUCH CLEARER IF I 'D STARTED UNBUTTO NING MYSELF . $ 01 BUT I THOUGHT YOU JUST WANTED TO HELP WITH THE WASHING-UP . $ 04 YOU AMAZE ME . $ YOU REALLY DO . $ 01 CHRIST , I WISH YOU HAD STAYED . $ 04 WHY ? $ 01 I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WANTED TO STAY THE NIGHT . $ OH , GOD , I WISH YOU HAD . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 04 YOU 'RE BEING CUNNING . $ 01 I 'M NOT . $ 04 DON'T . $ IT 'S MOST UNLIKE YOU . $ 01 I 'M NOT . $ 04 LOOK . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 04 IF YOU DIDN'T LET ME STAY BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WANTED TO DO THE WASHING-UP , WHY DID YOU LET HER STAY WHEN YOU THOUG HT SHE WANTED TO DO THE WASHING-UP ? $ 01 SHE INSISTED . $ 04 AND MORE TO THE POINT , WHY DID YOU LET HER STAY WHEN YOU REALIZED SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO THE WASHING-UP ? $ 01 SHE INSISTED . $ 04 AND YOU GAVE IN . $ 01 YES . $ 04 WELL , WHY ? $ 01 BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS . $ 04 WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS ? $ 01 YOU WEREN'T THERE . $ 04 IF YOU GO ON SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT TO ME , DO YOU REALL Y EXPECT I 'M GOING TO MARRY YOU ? $ #53 $ 01 I HOPE SO . $ 04 YOU 'RE SO INCREDIBLY ... BLAND . $ YOU JUST SIT THERE LIKE A PUDDING , WOBBLING GENTLY . $ 01 DO I ? $ 04 YOU 'RE ABOUT AS EMOTIONAL AS A PIN-CUSHION . $ 01 I DON'T THINK THAT 'S TRUE . $ 04 DON'T YOU ? $ 01 NO , I DON'T THINK SO . $ 04 ONLY YOU WOULD SIT THERE PONDERING THE PROS AND CONS OF A FAIRLY CONVENTIONAL SIMILE . $ 01 IT 'S MORE OF A HYPERBOLE REALLY , ISN'T IT ? $ 04 IT 'S MORE OF A FUCKING INSULT , THAT 'S WHAT IT REALLY I S , I THINK YOU 'LL FIND . $ SEEKING A RESPONSE , NOT A BLOODY INQUEST . $ 01 OH , WELL ... $ 04 INVITING A RETORT , NOT A SODDING DEBATE . $ 01 I ... $ 04 YOU 'RE TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT AS IF IT WERE A CONFEREN CE ON THE FUTURE OF THE PHONEME . $ 01 AM I ? $ 04 YOU 'RE NOT EVEN SORRY ! $ 01 OF COURSE I AM . $ OF COURSE I AM . $ < ( BY NOW , CELIA IS ANGRY AND UPSET . ) > $ 04 I 'M GOING . $ 01 NO , DON'T . $ 04 I ' VE SAID WHAT I CAME TO SAY . $ 01 DON'T GO BEFORE I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED . $ 04 I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED , I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE SQUALID D ETAILS . $ I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT SELF-JUS TIFICATION . $ 01 I 'M NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY MYSELF . $ I JUST WANT TO EXPLAIN TO YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED . $ THEN YOU CAN MAKE YOUR MIND UP . $ 04 ALL RIGHT , GO ON , TELL ME . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ TRY TO MAKE IT AS ENTERTAINING AS POSSIBLE . $ #54 $ 01 WELL ... WELL ... SHE ASKED ME TO GO TO BED WITH HER , JU ST LIKE THAT . $ IT TOOK ME SO MUCH BY SURPRISE , I COULD THINK OF NO DELICAT E WAY TO REFUSE . $ SO I ACCEPTED . $ THE WHOLE THING WAS A COMPLETE FIASCO . $ NO GOOD AT ALL . $ THEN , THIS MORNING SHE SUGGESTED WE TRY AGAIN , AND I HAD T O TELL HER IT WAS NO USE , BECAUSE I QUITE HONESTLY DIDN'T F IND HER ATTRACTIVE . $ 04 NOT MANY LAUGHS IN THAT . $ 01 NO . $ NO , I SUPPOSE THERE WEREN'T . $ 04 WHAT HAPPENED NEXT ? $ 01 SHE LEFT . $ 04 IMMEDIATELY ? $ 01 YES . $ SHE SEEMED VERY ANGRY . $ 04 FANCY THAT . $ 01 I HANDLED IT BADLY . $ 04 YOU MIGHT SAY SO . $ SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A TRIUMPH OF EMOTIONAL INCOMPETENCE . $ 01 WELL , THAT 'S HOW IT HAPPENED . $ 04 AND I SUPPOSE YOU THINK THAT MAKES IT ALL RIGHT , DO YOU ? $ 01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 04 I SUPPOSE YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU WERE BULLIED INTO DOING S OMETHING YOU THEN FAILED TO DO ANYWAY , IT 'S AS IF THE WHOL E THING DIDN'T HAPPEN . $ 01 NO . $ 04 DID IT NEVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I MIGHT PREFER IT IF YOU B RAZENED THE WHOLE THING OUT AND SAID , YES , IT WAS ALL PLAN NED , IT WAS YOUR FINAL FLING BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED , OR SOM ETHING LIKE THAT ? $ 01 BUT IT WASN'T . $ 04 YOU 'RE SO DAMN LITERAL-MINDED . $ I MEAN YOU MIGHT HAVE JUST SAID YOU 'D DONE IT AND YOU WERE SORRY AND IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN - INSTEAD OF SAYING ALL R IGHT , NOT TO WORRY , I WAS AN ABJECT FAILURE , SO THAT DOES N'T COUNT . $ 01 I DIDN'T SAY THAT . $ 04 NO , YOU DIDN'T EVEN SAY THAT . $ #55 $ 01 ALL I CAN DO IS TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED AND LEAVE IT UP TO YOU . $ 04 WELL , IF YOU LEAVE IT UP TO ME , I SHALL HAVE TO SAY I C AN'T POSSIBLY UNDERTAKE TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE SO HOP ELESSLY WEAK AND INDECISIVE , HE 'S GOING TO LEAVE EVERY MAJ R ISSUE UP TO ME . $ 01 THAT 'S NOT VERY FAIR . $ 04 WE 'RE NOT PLAYING CROQUET , YOU KNOW . $ 01 NO , BUT IN THIS CASE I 'VE MADE MY HALF OF THE DECISION . $ I WANT TO MARRY YOU . $ SO IT 'S ONLY UP TO YOU IN THE SENSE THAT YOU HAVEN'T DECIDE D YET . $ 04 OH , YOU DO MAKE ME SO ANGRY . $ 01 WHY ? $ 04 YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT I 'M TRYING TO SAY . $ 01 MAYBE NOT , BUT I THINK I USUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DO SAY . $ 04 GOD , YOU 'RE COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE . $ 01 < ( BEWILDERED ) > $ I 'M SORRY . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ I SUPPOSE I AM INDECISIVE . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ MY TROUBLE IS , I 'M A MAN OF NO CONVICTIONS . $ < ( LONGISH PAUSE . ) > $ AT LEAST , I THINK I AM . $ < ( CELIA STARTS LAUGHING . ) > $ WHAT 'S THE JOKE ? $ 04 I AM FOND OF YOU . $ 01 < ( LOST ) > $ ARE YOU ? $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 04 I 'M AFRAID MY PLAN DIDN'T WORK AT ALL . $ 01 PLAN ? $ 04 I WAS GOING TO USE IT AS AN EXCUSE . $ I MEAN IT SEEMED LIKE A PERFECTLY GOOD EXCUSE . $ 01 USE WHAT AS AN EXCUSE ? $ WHAT FOR ? $ 04 FOR ... FINISHING . $ 01 I DON'T UNDERSTAND . $ 04 WELL , I 'VE BEEN THINKING , YOU SEE , REALLY , FOR A LON G TIME , THAT WE AREN'T REALLY COMPATIBLE . $ 01 OH . $ 04 I ALWAYS USED TO THINK YOU WERE JUST THE SORT OF PERSON I 'D BEEN LOOKING FOR . $ SOMEONE FAIRLY INTELLIGENT AND RELIABLE AND KIND AND SAFE AN D A LITTLE BIT DULL . $ 04 I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED TO ME . $ SOMEBODY WHO ADMIRED ME AND THOUGHT WHAT I SAID WAS WORTH LI STENING TO , NOT JUST WORTH TOLERATING . $ 01 BUT YOU WERE WRONG . $ 04 YES , I THINK PERHAPS I WAS WRONG . $ 01 I SEE . $ 04 AND AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT , I THOUGHT I 'D BETTE R COME OVER TO DISCUSS THINGS WITH YOU . $ AND WHEN I FOUND ARAMINTA HERE , I THOUGHT THAT GIVES ME AN EXCUSE NOT TO DISCUSS THINGS WITH YOU . $ I CAN JUST LEAVE YOU , AND MAKE YOU THINK IT 'S YOUR FAULT . $ 01 < ( CONFUSED ) > $ HOW DO YOU MEAN , WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT ? $ YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT , DID YOU ? $ 04 I MEAN WHAT HAPPEND TO ME . $ 01 OH . $ WHAT DID HAPPEN TO YOU ? $ 04 BRAHAM TOOK ME BACK TO HIS HOTEL . $ 01 OH . $ 04 AND I STAYED THE NIGHT THERE . $ 01 BUT ... WHY ? $ 04 I DON'T KNOW , HE WENT ON AT ME . $ AND I FINALLY THOUGHT OH WELL , WHY NOT , I WAS STILL VERY A NGRY ABOUT YOUR NOT LETTING ME STAY . $ I DON'T KNOW WHY . $ I FELT DREADFUL THIS MORNING . $ HE KEPT SAYING THAT CREATIVE ARTISTS HAD A MUCH MORE CONSUMI NG SEXUAL URGE THAN ORDINARY PEOPLE . $ HE TOLD ME THAT 'S WHY BACH HAD THIRTY CHILDREN . $ 01 AND WERE YOU CONVINCED BY THIS ARGUMENT ? $ 04 NO . $ 01 BUT YOU STILL ... ? $ 04 YES . $ 01 WHY ? $ I DON'T SEE WHY . $ 04 WELL , HE 'S SO CONFIDENT AND SELF-ASSURED , I DON'T KNOW WHY . $ I JUST SUDDENLY FELT LIKE IT , DON'T GO ON ABOUT IT . $ 01 AND IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ? $ 04 I DON'T KNOW , I SUPPOSE SO . $ NOT HIM , I DON'T MEAN HIM , HE 'S AWFUL , BUT SOMETHING LIK E THAT . $ 01 WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE 'S AWFUL ? $ #57 $ 04 WELL , IT WAS THIS MORNING , THE WAY HE BEHAVED THIS MORN ING , THAT REALLY TURNED ME OFF HIM . $ FOR ONE THING HE WAS SO NASTY ABOUT YOU . $ 01 WAS HE ? $ 04 YES , HE REALLY HATES YOU . $ ALL THE TIME YESTERDAY EVENING , HE THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING THE PISS IN A PARTICULARLY SUBTLE WAY . $ 01 REALLY ? $ 04 AND THEN WHEN I 'D ARGUED WITH HIM A BIT AND TOLD HIM THA T WASN'T IN YOUR NATURE , HE FINALLY AGREED AND SAID , YES , COME TO THINK OF IT , HE SUPPOSED YOU WERE FAR TOO BORING T O DO ANYTHING AS ENTERPRISING AS THAT . $ 01 WELL , HE 'S RIGHT THERE , ISN'T HE ? $ 04 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 01 ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU THINK ? $ 04 OF COURSE NOT , DON'T BE SO RUDE . $ 01 I 'M SORRY , I THOUGHT THAT 'S WHAT YOU JUST SAID . $ 04 I THINK YOU GET A PERVERSE KICK OUT OF RUNNING YOURSELF D OWN . $ 01 NO , I DON'T . $ I DON'T THINK I DO . $ 04 ANYWAY , I DEFENDED YOU , EVEN THOUGH I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DEFENDED YOURSELF . $ 01 WHY DID HE HATE ME , I DON'T KNOW , I DIDN'T HATE HIM . $ 04 DIDN'T YOU ? $ 01 NO , I THOUGHT HE WAS QUITE AMUSING . $ 04 AND DO YOU HATE HIM NOW ? $ 01 NO . $ 04 NOT EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING I 'VE TOLD YOU ? $ 01 I DON'T SUPPOSE HE 'S VERY HAPPY . $ 04 < ( ANGRILY ) > $ AND ARE YOU HAPPY ? $ 01 NO . $ 04 WELL THEN . $ 01 NOT AT THE MOMENT . $ 04 < ( OFFENDED ) > $ OH , I SEE . $ 01 I MEAN ... I MEAN , I HOPE TO BE . $ I HAVE BEEN . $ I HOPE I WILL BE . $ < ( HE MOVES OVER TO THE WINDOW . ) > $ LOOK . $ THE TIDE 'S IN . $ #58 $ IT 'S A LOVELY DAY , LOOK . $ < ( PAUSE ) > $ IT 'S VERY RARE TO HAVE A DAY AS FINE AS THIS IN NOVEMBER . $ 04 YES . $ 01 < ( SMILING ) > $ JUST WHEN ONE WAS GETTING USED TO THE IDEA OF WINTER . $ < ( PAUSE . ) > $ I 'M GLAD YOU DEFENDED ME . $ I DON'T SEE WHAT HE HAS AGAINST ME . $ 04 THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING . $ HE GOT FAR WORSE . $ 01 IN WHAT WAY ? $ 04 IT WAS WHEN HE READ ABOUT E.H. FORMBY IN THE PAPER . $ 01 WHAT ABOUT HIM ? $ 04 HAVEN'T YOU LOOKED AT THE PAPER TODAY ? $ 01 NO , I COULDN'T , IT WAS ALL FULL OF STUFF ABOUT THE PRIM E MINISTER , I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE TOO UPSETTING . $ 04 WELL , E.H. FORMBY WAS MURDERED YESTERDAY AS WELL . $ 01 HE WASN'T ! $ 04 YES . $ 01 BUT WHY ? $ 04 WELL , APPARENTLY THERE 'S SOME GANG OF LUNATICS ABOUT , WHOSE INTENTION IS TO KNOCK OFF ALL THE MOST EMINENT ENGLISH WRITERS . $ YOU REMEMBER HAROLD HEATH FELL IN FRONT OF A TUBE A FEW WEEK S AGO ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 IT SEEMS HE WAS THEIR FIRST VICTIM AND E.H. FORMBY IS THE IR SECOND . $ LOOK , THERE 'S THIS THING IN THE PAPER ABOUT IT . $ THIS LETTER THEY 'VE FOUND . $ HAVE YOU GOT TODAY'S PAPER ? $ < ( PHILIP HANDS IT TO HER . $ SHE RUSTLES ABOUT FOR A MOMENT . ) > $ HERE WE ARE . $ THEY FOUND HIM FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER , POOR OLD SOUL , AND THEN HIS WIFE HANDED IN THIS LETTER HE RECEIVED A FEW WEEKS AGO . $ WELL , THEN THEY REMEMBERED HAROLD HEATH AND FOUND HE 'D REC EIVED ONE OF THEM AS WELL . $ THEY 'VE PRINTED THE LETTER IN FULL , I 'LL READ IT TO YOU , IT WAS ONE OF THOSE ONES MADE UP OF NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS . $ DEAR SIR OR MADAM , $ PLEASE EXCUSE THE DISAGREEABLE FORMAT OF THIS LETTER , THE R EASONS FOR WHICH WILL , I HOPE , SOON BECOME CLEAR TO YOU . $ I WRITE ON BEHALF OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF ALLIED TERRORISTS AGA INST LITERATURE - F.A.T.A.L. - ( FORMERLY THE FELLOWSHIP OF USEFUL AND CHARITABLE KILLERS ) , OF WHICH I AM THE PRESIDEN T , TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ( ALONG WITH TWENTY-FOUR OTHERS ) HAVE BEEN SELECTED AS ONE OF THE VICTIMS OF A SERIES OF RIT UAL MURDERS WHICH I AND MY COLLEAGUES WILL BE CARRYING OUT A T STAGGERED INTERVALS OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS . $ #59 $ A WORD OF EXPLANATION IS PERHAPS IN ORDER . $ IT IS THE OPINION OF MYSELF AND MY ASSOCIATES THAT A GREAT N UMBER OF THE DISAPPOINTMENTS AND MISHAPS OF THIS TROUBLED WO RLD ARE THE DIRECT RESULT OF LITERATURE AND THE ALLIED ARTS . $ IT IS OUR BELIEF THAT NO HUMAN BEING WHO DEVOTES HIS LIFE AN D ENERGY TO THE MANUFACTURE OF FANTASIES CAN BE ANYTHING BUT FUNDAMENTALLY INADEQUATE . $ CONSEQUENTLY WE HAVE DECIDED TO EXECUTE TWENTY-FIVE OF THE M OST HIGHLY-REGARDED OF YOUR NUMBER IN THE FIRM ( BUT FAINT ) HOPE OF CATCHING THE IMAGINATION OF THE WORLD AND ENCOURAGIN G THE AUTHORITIES , BACKED BY THE PUBLIC , TO CONTINUE OUR W ORK ON A MORE OFFICIAL AND JUDICIAL BASIS , FOLLOWING THE RE CENT EXCELLENT EXAMPLE OF OTHER MORE ENLIGHTENED COUNTRIES . $ OUR INITIAL RESERVATIONS ABOUT THE RATHER VULGARLY SENSATION AL ASPECTS OF OUR PROGRAMME HAVE BEEN DISPELLED BY THE REFLE CTION THAT THEY PALE BESIDE THE CHEAP AND MERITRICIOUS EFFEC TS YOU REGULARLY USE TO ACHIEVE YOUR DUBIOUS AIMS . $ THE ABOMINABLE FLAUBERT , IN HIS OTHERWISE SPECTACULARLY DRE ARY AND PUERILE NOVEL MADAME BOVARY , DID MANAGE TO STRUGGLE THROUGH , BY ACCIDENT OR DESIGN , TO ONE VALUABLE INSIGHT : HE SHOWS THAT THE UGLY AND PATHETIC TRIBULATIONS OF HIS FOO LISH HEROINE ARE CAUSED DIRECTLY BY HER SUBJECTION TO THE CR UDELY ALLURING IMAGERY OF FICTION . $ LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR TO YOU THAT WE ARE NOT MORALIZERS OR CE NSORS ; NOR ARE WE IN ANY WAY ASSOCIATED WITH THOSE LUDICROU S ORGANIZATIONS WHO WASTE THEIR TIME PEEVISHLY COMPLAINING A BOUT THE TENDENCY OF MODERN LITERATURE TO DEPRAVE AND CORRUP T . $ SO IT DOES : BUT NOT IN THE NARROW SENSE THEY MEAN , NOT BY THE TEDIOUS DETAILING OF SOME CRASS SEXUAL ACT BEYOND THE EM OTIONAL MEANS AND GYMNASTIC ABILITIES OF THOSE INDIGNANT LAD IES . $ #60 $ IT DEPRAVES BY PURVEYING , HOWEVER CONCEALED , SOME FORM OF DECEITFUL IDEALISM . $ AND IT CORRUPTS BY THE EXALTATION OF A PERVERSE INDIVIDUALIS M . $ IN SHORT , WE ARE DOING THIS BECAUSE WE DO NOT THINK YOU HAV E THE RIGHT TO COMPENSATE FOR YOUR OWN INADEQUACIES BY ATTEM PTING TO AFFECT THE BEHAVIOUR AND DEEPEN THE SELF-DOUBTS OF OTHER MORE INNOCENT SOULD . $ NOR DO WE BELIEVE IN THE LYING PROPOSALS OF YOUR NEUROTIC MY STICISM ; WE DO NOT SEEK ABSOLUTE BEAUTY IN A PHRASE OF MUSI C , OR PERFECTION IN THE WHISPER OF A LOVER . $ ALL THIS IS LIES . $ THIS LETTER , ON THE OTHER HAND , IS THE TRUTH , AS WILL SHO RTLY BECOME APPARENT . $ YOU WOULD BE UNWISE TO DISMISS IT AS THE WORK OF A CRANK . $ PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT TOO PERSONALLY . $ I DO REGRET THE DISTRESS WHICH WILL INEVITABLY BE CAUSED , B UT WE HAVE COME TO REGARD THIS AS OUR MELANCHOLY AND UNAVOID ABLE DUTY . $ GOOD MORNING AND GOOD-BYE . $ YOUR HUMBLE AND OBEDIENT SERVANT , $ SCARDANELLI . $ FASCINATING , ISN'T IT ? $ 01 HORRIBLE . $ 04 ANYWAY , BRAHAM WAS TRANSFIXED BY IT . $ 01 WAS HE ? $ 04 HE WASN'T ONE OF THE TWENTY-FIVE . $ HE DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE RELIEVED OR INSULTED . $ 01 OH , I SEE . $ 04 FIRST OF ALL , HE WAS FURIOUS . $ HE SAID IT WAS QUITE OBVIOUS THE MAN HAD NO TASTE AT ALL , A S WAS APPARENT BY THE MORONS HE 'D ALREADY CHOSEN . $ BUT THAT DIDN'T REALLY SATISFY HIM , AND FINALLY HE DECIDED THE LETTER HADN'T REACHED HIM YET , IT HAD GONE VIA HIS AGEN T OR HIS PUBLISHER WHO WERE BOTH HOPELESS AT FORWARDING THIN GS AND WAS NOW LYING ON ONE OF HIS MANY DOORMATS . $ WHEN HE SAW IN THE PAPER THAT THE POLICE HADN'T YET TRACED A LL THE RECIPIENTS OF THE LETTER , THAT MORE OR LESS CONFIRME D IT FOR HIM . $ #61 $ 01 SO WHAT HAPPENED THEN ? $ 04 I HAD TO WALK HOME , THAT 'S WHAT HAPPENED . $ 01 WHY ? $ 04 BECAUSE HE DECIDED THEY WERE AFTER HIM . $ HE WAS CONVINCED THERE WAS A SNIPER WITH A TELESCOPIC SIGHT IN THE BUILDING ACROSS THE ROAD , WAITING FOR HIM TO STEP OU T OF THE HOTEL $ HUMPHREY BOGART , HE WAS , THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH . $ HE TOLD ME TO COME BACK AND SEE HIM THIS EVENING , AND I LEF T HIM THERE , REVELLING IN HIS OWN COWARDICE . $ 01 WHAT 'S HE GOING TO DO ? $ 04 I DON'T KNOW , WAIT TILL HE GROWS A BEARD AND GO OUT THE BACK DOOR , I EXPECT . $ " I SHALL HAVE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY , " HE KEPT SAYING . $ 01 ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM THIS EVENING ? $ 04 CERTAINLY NOT . $ I DID CONSIDER TURNING UP IN A BLACK MASK WITH A WATER PISTO L , BUT I DECIDED AGAINST IT . $ WALKING BACK , IT OCCURRED TO ME HE 'D MADE IT ALL UP TO ECO NOMIZE ON THE PETROL . $ HE 'S AN EXCEPTIONALLY MEAN MAN . $ 01 WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT ? $ 04 OH , I CAN TELL , HE 'S OBSESSED WITH MONEY , HE 'S ALWAY S TALKING ABOUT MONEY . $ HE 'S GOT THAT " THAT 'LL BE FOURPENCE " LOOK WHEN HE OFFERS YOU A CIGARETTE . $ 01 SO YOU 'RE NOT GOING . $ 04 NO , I TOLD YOU . $ 01 COME BACK , THEN . $ < ( HE SMILES . ) > $ ALL IS FORGIVEN . $ 04 < ( BRISTLING ) > $ WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 01 I DON'T KNOW . $ JOKE , REALLY . $ 04 OH . $ 01 BUT , I MEAN , I MEAN IT . $ 04 I 'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LOT . $ 01 I KNOW ... $ 04 I 'VE MADE UP MY MIND . $ 01 WHY ? $ 04 I THINK WE 'D PROBABLY MAKE EACH OTHER VERY UNHAPPY . $ 01 WHY ? $ 04 BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU 'D BE ABLE TO CONTROL ME . $ #62 $ 01 DOES THAT MATTER ? $ 04 I DIDN'T THINK SO AT FIRST . $ IN FACT , TO BEGIN WITH , I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE GREAT ADVAN TAGE . $ BUT I DON'T ANY MORE . $ 01 PERHAPS YOU 'RE RIGHT . $ 04 YOU SEE , THAT 'S THE THING , YOU 'RE SO UNASSERTIVE . $ PERHAPS YOU 'RE RIGHT ! $ IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO ? $ 01 ALL RIGHT , I 'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU LEAVE ME . $ 04 IT 'S NO GOOD DOING IT NOW , IS IT , IT 'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPONTANEOUS . $ 01 WELL , I ONLY SAID PERHAPS YOU 'RE RIGHT BECAUSE I WAS TR YING TO LOOK AT IT FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW . $ I MEAN , IT 'S QUITE OBVIOUS WHAT I SEE IN YOU , ISN'T IT ? $ IT 'S MUCH MORE OF A MYSTERY WHAT YOU SEE IN ME , AND IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU DID SEE ANY MORE , THEN PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT . $ IF YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN . $ 04 NO . $ 01 I 'M NOT SURPRISED YOU ARE HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS , IF AL L THESE PEOPLE KEEP MAKING PASSES AT YOU ALL THE TIME . $ 04 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? $ 01 WELL , YOU KNOW , NOAKES AND JOHNSON AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT . $ 04 OH , THAT . $ 01 YES . $ 04 NONE OF THAT WAS TRUE . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 04 YOU KNOW I 'M ALWAYS MAKING THINGS UP . $ 01 WHY ? $ 04 WELL , YOU 'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING , HAVEN'T YOU ? $ CAN'T JUST SIT THERE LIKE A STATUE ALL EVENING . $ LIKE LIZ . $ AND LIES ARE USUALLY THAT MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE TRU TH , THAT 'S ALL . $ 01 OH . $ < ( PAUSE . $ PHILIP CONSIDERS THIS . ) > $ WELL , IF THAT 'S THE CASE , CAN'T WE TRY TO COME TO SOME AR RANGEMENT ? $ I MEAN , I COULD TRY - OR PRETEND - TO BE FIRMER , AND YOU C OULD PRETEND NOT TO MIND MY WEAKNESS SO MUCH . $ 04 NO . $ OF COURSE NOT . $ #63 $ 01 WHY NOT ? $ 04 WHAT A MONSTROUS SUGGESTION . $ 01 WHY ? $ 04 WELL , IT 'S ... IT 'S SO DECEITFUL . $ < ( PHILIP LAUGHS . ) > $ NO , LOOK , IT 'S DIFFERENT TELLING A FEW STORIES TO LIVEN U P THE PARTY , FROM BASING YOUR WHOLE LIFE ON A LIE . $ 01 YOU JUST SAID LIES WERE MORE INTERESTING THAN THE TRUTH . $ 04 YOU 'RE BEING LITERAL-MINDED AGAIN . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 I DON'T KNOW . $ I 'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FAILURE WITH WOMEN . $ 04 OH , PLEASE . $ 01 BUT IT 'S TRUE . $ I REMEMBER , I REMEMBER THE FIRST GIRL I WAS EVER IN LOVE WI TH , CAROL HER NAME WAS , AND I MADE THE MISTAKE , JUST AS W E WERE ABOUT TO GO TO BED TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME , OF T ELLING HER I WAS A VIRGIN . $ OH , WELL , THEN , SHE SAID , THAT WAS THAT , SHE WASN'T GOI NG TO BE A GUINEA-PIG FOR ANYONE . $ IT WAS THAT PHRASE THAT DID IT . $ SHE BECAME SO ENTRANCED AND HORRIFIED BY THE IDEA REPRESENTE D BY HER OWN QUITE FORTUITOUS IMAGE , THAT I GAVE UP , THERE WAS OBVIOUSLY NO HOPE . $ GUINEA-PIG , " I 'M NOT GOING TO BE A GUINEA-PIG , " SHE KEP T ON SAYING . $ SO THERE IT WAS . $ A WHOLE RELATIONSHIP DOOMED BY A RANDOM WORD-ASSOCIATION . $ THIS IS THE SAME THING . $ YOU THINK I 'M BEING SENTIMENTAL AND SELF-PITYING JUST BECAU SE I SAY I 'M A FAILURE WITH WOMEN . $ BUT I 'M NOT . $ I 'M JUST TELLING THE SIMPLE TRUTH , WHICH IS THAT I 'VE NEV ER MANAGED TO GIVE A WOMAN SATISFACTION . $ I HOPE TO . $ I HOPED TO WITH YOU . $ GIVEN A BIT OF TIME . $ BUT IN ITSELF IT 'S JUST A PERFECTLY NEUTRAL FACT . $ LIKE THE FACT I WAS A VIRGIN WHEN I WAS WITH CAROL . $ < ( HE BREAKS OFF FOR A MOMENT . ) > $ SHE WAS VERY CRUEL . $ I ADORED HER . $ 04 YOU PROBABLY ADORED HER BECAUSE SHE WAS CRUEL . $ 01 ON THE CONTRARY , IT WAS WHEN SHE BECAME REALLY CRUEL THA T I STOPPED ADORING HER . $ YOUR INTERPRETATION IS BOTH PERVERSE AND BANAL . $ 04 OH , DON'T BE SO POMPOUS . $ 01 SORRY . $ #64 $ 04 YOU KNOW SOMETHING , YOU APOLOGIZE FAR TOO OFTEN . $ YOU REALLY OUGHTN'T TO , IT 'S NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE . $ 01 YES , I KNOW , I 'M SORRY . $ < ( CELIA LAUGHS , BRIEFLY , AND PHILIP SMILES AS HE REALIZE S WHAT HE HAS SAID . ) > $ 04 WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED ? $ 01 YOU . $ 04 YES , I KNOW , BUT APART FROM THAT . $ 01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 04 WELL , YOU 'VE BEEN A COMFORTABLE BACHELOR FOR SO LONG , I THINK YOU MUST HAVE MADE SOME KIND OF ABSTRACT DECISION TO GET MARRIED , I MEAN QUITE APART FROM WANTING TO MARRY ME . $ 01 I SUPPOSE THAT MIGHT BE TRUE . $ 04 WELL , WHY ? $ 01 PERHAPS IT WAS BECAUSE I 'M BEGINNING TO GET LONELY . $ 04 GO ON . $ 01 I DON'T KNOW . $ I 'VE BEEN DOING THIS JOB FOR ABOUT TWELVE OR THIRTEEN YEARS NOW , AND I 'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE THAT I 'M NOT IMMORTAL . $ ANOTHER THING IS , WHEN I SIT AND REMEMBER THE PAST , YOU KN OW , INVOLUNTARY MEMORIES , WHAT I REMEMBER MOST IS CERTAIN ROOMS , ROOMS I 'VE LIVED AND WORKED IN , AT DIFFERENT TIMES , IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES . $ I WAS THINKING ABOUT SOME OF THEM THE OTHER DAY , AND I SUDD ENLY REALIZED SOMETHING THAT HAD NEVER OCCURRED TO ME BEFORE . $ THEY WERE ALL EMPTY . $ I MEAN I REMEMBER THEM AS IF I 'M SITTING IN THEM , FURNITUR E , CEILING ANGLES , STREET NOISES , CLOCK TICKING , ALL VER Y VIVID . $ BUT NEVER ANYONE ELSE . $ IT GAVE ME RATHER A SHOCK . $ 04 DON'T YOU LIKE BEING ALONE ? $ 01 NO , YOU KNOW HOW GREGARIOUS I AM . $ LOOK , WHO 'S THE MOST BORING PERSON YOU KNOW ? $ 04 I DON'T KNOW . $ IF YOU WAIT A FEW MINUTES , I COULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU QUITE AN IMPRESSIVE LIST . $ 01 WELL , WHOEVER IT IS , I 'D QUITE WILLINGLY SPEND AN HOUR A DAY WITH HIM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE . $ RATHER THAN BEING ALONE . $ #65 $ 04 DO YOU THINK YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE YOU 'RE UNHA PPY ? $ 01 I 'M NOT UNHAPPY . $ I MEAN , I AM AT THE MOMENT , BUT IN GENERAL I 'VE GOT NO RE ASON TO BE UNHAPPY . $ IN FACT , I 'VE GOT NO RIGHT TO BE UNHAPPY . $ 04 THAT 'S NEVER STOPPED ANYONE . $ 01 I KNOW . $ I KNOW THAT , BUT WHEN YOU CONSIDER HOW PLEASANT MY JOB IS , HOW WELL-FED AND PRIVILEGED AND COMFORTABLE I AM , AND HOW EASY IT IS FOR ME TO BE TOLERANT AND COMPASSIONATE , IT DOES SEEM PERVERSE TO BE UNHAPPY AS WELL , DOESN'T IT ? $ I MEAN , TO BE UNHAPPY ON TOP OF ALL THAT DOES SEEM UNREASON ABLY SELF-INDULGENT , DON'T YOU THINK ? $ IT 'S NOT AS IF MY LIFE WAS A STRUGGLE . $ I SIT IN MY STUDY AND READ THE LATEST JOURNAL , AND OCCASION ALLY I GET UP AND CHANGE THE RECORD ON MY PLAYER , AND SOMET IMES I GO ABROAD FOR A FEW WEEKS AND WANDER ROUND THE GALLER IES , AND I PLAY WITH WORDS AND MAKE MY ANAGRAMS AND READ TH E ARTS PAGES . $ AND BOOKS , I MUST HAVE READ THOUSANDS OF BOOKS , AND SEEN H UNDREDS OF FILMS AND PLAYS IN MY LIFE . $ NOT THAT MANY OF THEM STAY WITH ME LONGER THAN AN EVENING , BUT I 'M GRATEFUL TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE FOR WHILING AWAY MY TI ME . $ AND THAT 'S ALL . $ OH , YES , AND I TEACH , AND LECTURE , AND WRITE RATHER BORI NG AND PEDANTIC ARTICLES , AND FROM TIME TO TIME , I SUFFER . $ NOT OFTEN , I WOULDN'T LIKE TO EXAGGERATE , BUT FROM TIME TO TIME . $ A FULL LIFE AND AN EMPTY ONE . $ < ( HE SMILES . $ CELIA ASSESSES THIS FOR A MOMENT . ) > $ 04 SYMPATHY , IS IT , YOU 'RE AFTER ? $ 01 WELL , YES , PERHAPS , YES , I SUPPOSE SO . $ I DON'T KNOW . $ PERHAPS NOT SYMPATHY . $ LIKING . $ 04 AT LEAST YOU LIKE EVERYONE , THAT 'S HALF THE BATTLE ANYW AY . $ 01 YES , THAT 'S HALF THE BATTLE . $ THE WRONG HALF , BUT THERE WE GO . $ 04 AND YOU 'RE AN OPTIMIST , THAT MAKES LIFE PLEASANTER , DO ESN'T IT ? $ 01 I DON'T THINK I AM . $ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT ? $ YOU CAN LIKE PEOPLE WITHOUT BEING AN OPTIMIST . $ #66 $ FOR INSTANCE , IT 'S EASIER TO LIKE PEOPLE IF IT OCCURS TO Y OU THAT THEY 'RE GOING TO DIE . $ IT 'S DIFFICULT NOT TO LIKE A MAN IF YOU CAN ENVISAGE HIS FL ESH FALLING FROM HIS BONES . $ 04 OH DEAR , OH DEAR . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 04 LET US GROW AMOROUS , YOU AND I , KNOWING THAT BOTH OF US MUST DIE . $ 01 WHO SAID THAT ? $ 04 SOMEBODY MUST HAVE . $ < ( SILENCE . $ THEN , FROM THE PLAYING FIELDS OUTSIDE , A LONG , MOURNFUL W HISTLE . ) > $ 01 FULL TIME . $ 04 WHAT ? $ 01 NOTHING . $ 04 NOT BEING LYRICAL , ARE YOU ? $ 01 < ( SHAKING HIS HEAD ) > $ I ... $ 04 LET US ESCHEW LYRICISM . $ DON'T YOU THINK ? $ I THINK LYRICISM SHOULD AT ALL COSTS BE ESCHEWED . $ 01 STOP IT . $ 04 WELL , YOU STARTED IT . $ I NEVER REALIZED YOU HAD A MORBID STREAK IN YOU . $ 01 < ( MAKING AN EFFORT ) > $ NONSENSE , YOU 'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT I WAS MELANCHOLY . $ 04 I HAVEN'T . $ 01 HAVEN'T I EVER TOLD YOU THAT STORY ABOUT THE ROUNDABOUT ? $ 04 NO . $ 01 I MUST HAVE . $ 04 < ( IRRITATED ) > $ YOU HAVEN'T . $ 01 IT 'S BY ONE OF THOSE FRENCH PHILOSOPHERS , IT 'S MEANT T O BE ALLEGORICAL . $ IT 'S AN ALLEGORY OF LIFE . $ 04 OH , GOD . $ 01 A MAN DRIVES UP TO THIS ROUNDABOUT , WHICH HAS THREE ROAD S LEADING OUT OF IT . $ HE WANTS TO TAKE THE FIRST LEFT , OR RIGHT I SUPPOSE SINCE W E 'RE IN FRANCE , BUT AS HE 'S ABOUT TO TURN RIGHT , HE SEES THERE 'S A NO ENTRY SIGN . $ #67 $ AH , WELL , HE SAYS , CAN'T BE HELPED , WE 'LL HAVE TO TAKE THE SECOND RIGHT . $ IMAGINE HIS SURPRISE WHEN HE SEES THIS ROAD HAS A NO ENTRY S IGN AS WELL . $ I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE THE THIRD RIGHT , HE SAYS , CURSING A B IT , BECAUSE IT 'S GOING TO TAKE HIM OUT OF HIS WAY , AND HE 'S JUST ABOUT TO TURN THE WHEEL , WHEN HE SEES ANOTHER ENTR Y SIGN . $ I DON'T KNOW , HE SAYS , WHAT THE BLOODY TRANSPORT SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY IS COMING TO , WE SHALL JUST HAVE TO GO BACK T HE WAY WE CAME , THAT 'S ALL . $ BUT LO AND BEHOLD , WHEN HE GOES TO TURN BACK THE WAY HE CAM E , ANOTHER NO ENTRY SIGN . $ THAT THROWS HIM FOR A BIT . $ HE CARRIES ON ROUND THE ROUNDABOUT A COUPLE OF TIMES , TO MA KE SURE HE HASN'T MADE A MISTAKE , AND GRADUALLY HE BECOMES AWARE OF SOMETHING HE HASN'T NOTICED UP TO NOW - NAMELY THAT ALL THE CARS ON THE ROUNDABOUT , WHICH IS ENORMOUS BY THE W AY , ARE GOING ROUND AND ROUND LIKE HE IS , AND NOT ONE CAR IS LEAVING THE ROUNDABOUT . $ THEN HE NOTICES SOMETHING EVEN STRANGER . $ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROUNDABOUT , TRAVELLING MUCH FASTER THA N ANY OF THE CARS , ARE THREE AMBULANCES . $ WHIZZING ROUND AND ROUND IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROUNDABOUT . $ I DON'T KNOW , HE SAYS , I SHALL HAVE TO STOP , I 'M FEELING DIZZY . $ BUT NO SOONER HAS HE PULLED UP , THAN A GENDARME COMES OVER AND RAPS ON HIS WINDOW . $ " MOVE ALONG , PLEASE , SIR . " $ WHY , HE SAYS . $ " NO PARKING . $ USE YOUR HEAD , SIR , NO PARKING ON A ROUNDABOUT . " $ HE SEES THE LOGIC OF THIS AND WEARILY STARTS THE ENGINE UP A GAIN . $ THEN A THOUGHT STRIKES HIM , AND HE LEANS OUT OF THE WINDOW , AND SAYS , JUST A MINUTE , OFFICER , THERE 'S JUST ONE THI NG I 'D LIKE TO ASK YOU . $ " WHAT 'S THAT , SIR ? " $ THE GENDARME SAYS . $ WELL , HE SAYS , WHY ARE THOSE AMBULANCES DRIVING ROUND AT B REAKNECK SPEED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROUNDABOUT ? $ " OH , REALLY , SIR , " THE GENDARME SAYS , " DON'T ASK SILL Y QUESTIONS , YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO AMBULANCES HAVE PRIOR ITY . " $ < ( SILENCE . $ CELIA SMILES WEAKLY , PHILIP COUGHS APOLOGETICALLY . ) > $ WORKS BETTER IF YOU HAVE A BLACKBOARD . $ #68 $ 04 REALLY ? $ 01 YES . $ 04 AND IS THAT YOUR VIEW OF LIFE ? $ 01 WELL , I DON'T KNOW , PERHAPS , I THINK SO , YES . $ 04 YOU SURPRISE ME . $ I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN YOU , ALL THAT GLOOM . $ 01 OH , YES , I SUPPOSE ... $ < ( HE PAUSES , BEFORE DECIDING TO GO ON WITH WHAT HE IS SAY ING . ) > $ ALL MY LIFE , YOU KNOW , I 'VE BEEN IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL TERROR . $ 04 TERROR ? $ 01 I THINK THAT 'S MORE ACCURATE THAN THE WORD I NORMALLY US E FOR IT , WHICH IS CONCERN . $ 04 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 01 I MEAN , I MEAN THAT THE BASIC FEATURE OF MY CHARACTER IS AN ANXIETY TO PLEASE PEOPLE AND TO DO WHAT THEY WANT , WHIC H LEADS TO , THAT IS , WHICH AMOUNTS TO A PASSION , AND WHIC H IS , IN FACT , SO ADVANCED THAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE IT AS ... TERROR . $ 04 IN OTHER WORDS , IT 'S NOT THAT YOU LIKE PEOPLE , IT 'S J UST THAT YOU 'RE AFRAID OF THEM . $ 01 NO , THERE 'S NO CONTRADICTION IN THAT , THE ONE IS A CON SEQUENCE OF THE OTHER . $ 04 I DON'T BELIEVE THAT . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 LET ME TELL YOU A STORY I 'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE , IT 'S ONE OF THE MOST HUMILIATING THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME . $ WHEN I WAS TEACHING IN HONG KONG , I USED TO , WALKING FROM THE LECTURE-HALL TO THE CAR-PARK , I USED TO PASS A HUNCHBAC K , A , A CRIPPLE WITH AN ENORMOUS HEAD , WHO USED TO SIT ON THE PAVEMENT AND BEG . $ AFTER A TIME , I GOT INTO THE HABIT OF GIVING HIM A LITTLE M ONEY , EVERY DAY , WHEN I PASSED HIM . $ THIS WENT ON FOR A BIT , AND THEN , TO MY GREAT EMBARRASSMEN T , HE STARTED TO CLEAN MY CAR . $ I TRIED TO TELL HIM NOT TO BOTHER ONE DAY WHEN I FOUND HIM A T IT , BUT HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND , HE JUST SMILED AND NODDED AND WENT ON POLISHING , SO I JUST LEFT IT , IT SEEMED TO BE WHAT HE WANTED TO DO . $ #69 $ SO EVERY DAY , I WOULD COME OUT OF MY LECTURE , WALK PAST HI M , PRESS A LITTLE MONEY INTO HIS HAND , SHAMEFULLY LITTLE N OW I COME TO THINK OF IT , GET INTO MY BEAUTIFUL , SHINY CAR AND DRIVE OFF . $ I USED TO KEEP A CACHE OF SMALL CHANGE HANDY TO PAY HIM , BU T ONE DAY , FOR SOME REASON , I FOUND I HAD NONE LEFT , IN F ACT , AS I WAS LEAVING THE BUILDING I FOUND I HAD NOTHING SM ALLER THAN A TEN-DOLLAR NOTE , WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY , I THOUG HT TO MYSELF , FAR TOO MUCH TO GIVE HIM . $ SO , ON THIS PARTICULAR DAY I WALKED HURRIEDLY PAST ON THE O THER SIDE OF THE STREET , HOPING HE WOULDN'T SEE ME , AND CR OSSED INTO THE CAR-PARK AS QUICKLY AS I COULD . $ BUT I 'D JUST GOT INTO THE CAR AND PUT THE KEY IN THE IGNITI ON , WHEN I SAW HIM HOBBLING TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE OF THE CAR -PARK ON HIS CRUTCHES AT GREAT SPEED , STOPPING OCCASIONALLY TO WAVE HIS DUSTER AT ME . $ NO , I THOUGHT , I CAN'T FACE THIS , SO I STARTED UP , AND P UT MY FOOT DOWN , AND RACED OUT OF THE CAR-PARK . $ NOW , I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS , I MEAN , I 'M SURE I WASN'T ANYWHERE NEAR HIM , BUT FOR SOME REASON HE PANICKED , AND TR IED TO JUMP BACKWARDS - AND I JUST HAD THIS APPALLING GLIMPS E OF HIS CRUTCHES GOING UP IN THE AIR AS HE OVERBALANCED AND FELL ON TO HIS BACK . $ NEEDLESS TO SAY , I DIDN'T STOP . $ AFTER THAT , WHENEVER HE SAW ME COMING , HE USED TO GET UP , MOVE DOWN THE ROAD A BIT AND GO INDOORS . $ I HOPED I 'D BE ABLE TO MAKE IT UP WITH HIM , BUT I NEVER GO T A CHANCE , HE NEVER , HE NEVER LET ME GET NEAR HIM AGAIN . $ NO WONDER THEY WANT OUR BLOOD . $ 04 WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS ? $ 01 ALL WHAT ? $ 04 ALL THESE STORIES . $ I CAN'T EVER REMEMBER YOU TALKING AS MUCH AS THIS . $ 01 I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 04 MY PROBLEM IS , ALL THE MEN I FALL IN LOVE WITH TURN OUT TO BE SUCH TERRIBLE PEOPLE . $ 01 OH . $ DO YOU THINK SO ? $ #70 $ 04 NOT YOU , I DON'T MEAN YOU . $ THAT 'S WHAT I 'M TRYING TO SAY . $ I WAS NEVER REALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T FIRM ENOUGH . $ I DON'T THINK I 'M CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE AS WEAK AS YOU . $ 01 DO YOU PREFER TO BE BULLIED THEN ? $ 04 I PREFER TO KNOW WHERE I STAND . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 CAN'T WE ... ISN'T THERE ... ? $ 04 I DON'T THINK SO . $ 01 ARE YOU SURE ? $ 04 YES . $ YES , NOW I 'VE MADE UP MY MIND , I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS I EVER SAW IN YOU . $ 01 OH , WELL . $ OH , WELL , THEN . $ 04 NO , DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME . $ I 'LL ALWAYS LIKE YOU . $ I 'LL ALWAYS BE FOND OF YOU . $ IT 'S JUST THAT WE 'RE NOT COMPATIBLE . $ 01 SO YOU ALREADY SAID . $ I STILL CAN'T SEE IT MYSELF , BUT I SUPPOSE I SHALL JUST HAV E TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT . $ 04 NOW I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF I WENT . $ < ( SHE GETS UP . ) > $ 01 DON'T . $ 04 YES . $ 01 PLEASE . $ 04 I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST . $ 01 STAY AND TALK TO ME . $ I FEEL A BIT SUICIDAL . $ 04 OH , DON'T EXAGGERATE . $ 01 WELL , YOU KNOW . $ STAY AND TALK FOR A BIT . $ 04 LOOK , WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO TALK ABOUT NOW ? $ WHAT COULD WE POSSIBLY TALK ABOUT ? $ 01 ANYTHING . $ < ( CELIA BURSTS INTO TEARS . $ PHILIP IS AMAZED , HE TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS AND SHE SOBS UNC ONTROLLABLY FOR A MINUTE , THEN SLOWLY RECOVERS . ) > $ 04 SORRY . $ 01 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT , LOVE ? $ 04 YES . $ ALL RIGHT NOW . $ 01 WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $ #71 $ 04 WHAT DO YOU THINK ? $ 01 BUT I MEAN ... I MEAN , IT 'S YOUR DECISION . $ 04 WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE ? $ 01 ALL RIGHT , NOW , ARE YOU ? $ 04 YES , THANKS . $ 01 WOULD YOU LIKE A GLASS OF WATER OR ANYTHING ? $ 04 NO , NO . $ I REALLY MUST GO NOW . $ GOOD-BYE . $ 01 GOOD-BYE . $ < ( HE TAKES HER FACE IN HIS HANDS AND KISSES HER ON THE EYE S AND ON THE MOUTH . ) > $ WHAT NOW ? $ DEATH , HELL , DESTRUCTION , SUICIDE , OR WILL HE COME THROU GH SMILING ? $ 04 YES . $ 01 WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN ? $ 04 NOT FOR A BIT . $ NOT UNTIL WE 'VE GOT OVER IT . $ 01 SOON . $ 04 I EXPECT SO . $ < ( SHE MOVES QUICKLY TO THE DOOR . ) > $ GOOD-BYE . $ < ( CELIA EXITS . ) > $ 01 GOOD-BYE , LOVE . $ < ( HE STANDS FOR A MOMENT IN THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE , DISC ONSOLATE . $ THEN HE SITS AT HIS DESK , PICKS UP A BOOK , AND READS . $ HE BREAKS OFF FOR A MOMENT AND STARES INTO THE DISTANCE , TH EN RETURNS TO HIS BOOK . $ HE MAKES A NOTE . ) > $ < BLACKOUT > $ #72 $ < SIX > $ < A FEW HOURS LATER . $ EVENING . $ PHILIP IS NOW WRITING A LETTER , APPARENTLY WITH SOME DIFFIC CULTY . $ AFTER A TIME , HE PUTS HIS PEN DOWN AND THINKS FOR A MOMENT , GAZING VACANTLY INTO SPACE . > $ 01 BUT I ... $ < ( HE BREAKS OFF , GETS UP , GOES OVER TO THE BOOKSHELF , T AKES DOWN A BOOK AND LOOKS SOMETHING UP . ) > $ YES . $ BUT I WAS THINKING OF A PLAN $ TO DYE ONE'S WHISKERS GREEN , $ AND ALWAYS USE SO LARGE A FAN $ THAT THEY COULD NOT BE SEEN . $ YES . $ < ( HE SMILES , THEN , AFTER A SHORT PAUSE , MOVES OVER TO T HE TELEPHONE AND DIALS A TWO-FIGURE NUMBER . ) > $ HELLO , DON ? ... $ YES ... I WONDER IF YOU COULD JUST COME ROUND FOR A MINUTE , I 'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ... $ WELL , YES , IT IS , RATHER ... IT IS , IT 'S BEEN A DAY OF MAJOR CATASTROPHES , AND I ... $ WELL , IN FACT , I WANT TO ASK YOUR ADVICE ABOUT SOMETHING . .. IT WON'T TAKE A MINUTE , HONESTLY ... ALL RIGHT , THANKS , RIGHT . $ < ( PHILIP CROSSES THE ROOM AND POURS HIMSELF A DRINK . $ A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND DON ENTERS . $ HE SMILES AT PHILIP AND SLUMPS INTO AN ARMCHAIR . ) > $ 02 HELLO . $ 01 SCOTCH ? $ 02 THANKS . $ 01 SORRY TO DRAG YOU OVER HERE . $ ARE YOU BUSY ? $ < ( HE POURS A DRINK FOR DON , TAKES IT OVER TO HIM . ) > $ 02 WELL , NO , NOT EXACTLY , I ... WELL , I 'LL TELL YOU ABO UT IT IN A MINUTE . $ FIRST OF ALL , WHAT 'S YOUR PROBLEM ? $ YOU DON'T LOOK VERY WELL . $ #73 $ 01 I DON'T FEEL VERY WELL . $ I MEAN , I FEEL A BIT REMOTE . $ 02 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $ 01 DISTANT . $ 02 WHY ? $ WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $ 01 WELL , CELIA CAME ROUND THIS AFTERNOON AND TOLD ME SHE DI DN'T WANT TO MARRY ME ANY MORE . $ 02 OH . $ 01 LAST NIGHT , ARAMINTA STAYED HERE UNDER CIRCUMSTANCES TOO APPALLING TO RELATE . $ 02 REALLY ? $ 01 AND THIS MORNING CELIA CAME ROUND HERE BEFORE ARAMINTA HA D LEFT . $ 02 OH , I SEE . $ 01 NO . $ BECAUSE CELIA ADMITTED THAT SHE 'D DECIDED TO LEAVE ME ANYWA Y . $ 02 DID SHE ? $ 01 SHE HAVING SPENT THE NIGHT WITH BRAHAM . $ 02 < ( BEWILDERED ) > $ GOOD GOD . $ 01 ALTHOUGH SHE SAID THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT EITHER . $ 02 WITH WHAT ? $ 01 HER DECISION . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 02 HOW EXTRAORDINARY . $ 01 SHE SAID WHAT YOU SAID WHEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT YEST ERDAY . $ SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T THINK WE WERE COMPATIBLE . $ 02 MEANINGLESS NONSENSE . $ 01 BUT YOU SAID THAT AS WELL . $ 02 YES . $ BUT I WAS SPEAKING THEORETICALLY . $ 01 < ( UNCOMPREHENDING ) > $ OH . $ 02 YOU SEE , I ALWAYS DIVIDE PEOPLE INTO TWO GROUPS . $ THOSE WHO LIVE BY WHAT THEY KNOW TO BE A LIE , AND THOSE WHO LIVE BY WHAT THEY BELIEVE , FALSELY , TO BE THE TRUTH . $ AND HAVING DECIDED THAT CELIA BELONGED TO THE FIRST GROUP AN D YOU TO THE SECOND , I CONCLUDED THAT YOU WEREN'T COMPATIBL E , AND THAT FURTHERMORE THAT WAS WHAT ATTRACTED YOU TO ONE ANOTHER . $ #74 $ BUT , I MEAN , TRYING TO MAKE ELEGANT PATTERNS OUT OF PEOPLE 'S HOPELESSNESS DOEN'T REALLY WORK . $ IT 'S ONLY A FRIVOLOUS GAME . $ 01 SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED ON THIS OCCASION . $ 02 WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE STATEMENT : " ALL GENERALIZATIONS ARE FALSE " ? $ 01 IT 'S A GENERALIZATION . $ 02 SEE , YOU 'RE NOT AS REMOTE AS ALL THAT . $ 01 BUT WHY ... WHY DO YOU SAY I LIVE BY WHAT I BELIEVE , FAL SELY , TO BE THE TRUTH ? $ 02 BECAUSE YOU DO . $ YOUR WHOLE BEHAVIOUR IS BASED ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT EVERYON E IS LIKE YOU . $ 01 ISN'T EVERYBODY'S ? $ 02 NO . $ OF COURSE NOT . $ MOST PEOPLE 'S BEHAVIOUR IS BASED ON DESPERATE HOPE THAT EVE RYONE ISN'T LIKE THEM . $ 01 AND WHY DO YOU THINK CELIA LIVES BY A LIE ? $ 02 BECAUSE HER VANITY DEMANDS IT . $ 01 I 'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT . $ 02 I AM . $ 01 WELL , NO DOUBT IF YOU GO ON ABOUT IT LONG ENOUGH , YOU ' LL PERSUADE ME TO BELIEVE IT . $ I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT THE COURAGE OF MY LACK OF CONVICTIONS . $ 02 OH , I WISH I 'D SAID THAT . $ 01 WHY ? $ 02 I DON'T KNOW , IT SOUNDS GOOD . $ 01 THAT 'S NOT REALLY WHY I SAID IT , BELIEVE IT OR NOT . $ 02 SORRY . $ I 'M SORRY . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 01 AND WHICH CATEGORY DO YOU BELONG TO ? $ 02 WHAT ? $ 01 OF THE TWO . $ 02 OH , I LIVE BY A LIE . $ IN MY CASE , THE LIE IS THAT I AM A TEACHER OF ENGLISH , WHE N IN FACT I AM PAID A HANDSOME SUM BY THE COLLEGE TO PERFECT A TECHNIQUE OF IDLENESS WHICH I HOPE WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME UNPARALLELED IN ACADEMIC HISTORY . $ #75 $ 01 OH , RUBBISH , YOU 'RE NOT IDLE . $ YOU 'RE FAMOUS FOR YOUR CONSCIENTIOUSNESS . $ 02 AH , WELL , THAT 'S PART OF THE ART . $ I PERFORM , IN FACT I SOMETIMES ACTUALLY VOLUNTEER FOR , ALL THOSE LITTLE ADMINISTRATIVE TASKS , WHICH REQUIRE NO EFFORT OR APPLICATION WHATSOEVER AND WHICH CAN BE DONE QUITE AUTOM ATICALLY . $ IN THAT WAY , YOU SEE , I ACQUIRE A REPUTATION FOR CONSCIENT IOUSNESS , AND ALSO PROVIDE MYSELF WITH AN EXCUSE IN THE UNL IKELY EVENT THAT I SHOULD BE CAUGHT OUT NOT KNOWING SOMETHIN G I OUGHT TO KNOW . $ 01 YOU 'RE EXAGGERATING . $ 02 OH , NO , I 'M NOT . $ IN MY YOUTH I MIGHT HAVE BEEN CONCERNED ABOUT MY IDLENESS , I USED TO MAKE FEEBLE ATTACKS ON IT BY DOING THINGS LIKE SET TING MY STRIKING CLOCK AN HOUR FAST , BUT I THINK I KNEW ALL ALONG WHAT I WAS HEADING FOR . $ WHEN I STRUGGLED THROUGH MY FINALS IN THAT CUNNING AND DEVIO US WAY , I THINK I KNEW THIS WAS MY DESTINATION . $ I WORKED HARD MY FIRST YEAR TEACHING , MY GOD , YES . $ I TOOK A COUPLE OF DOZEN INDEX CARDS AND NOTED DOWN TEN POIN TS ABOUT EACH OF THE SUBJECTS THAT MIGHT REASONABLY BE EXPEC TED TO COME MY WAY . $ AND NOW , TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS A YEAR , I SIMPLY SELECT THE REL EVANT CARD AND GIVE MY PUPILS THE POINTS THEY OMITTED IN THE IR ESSAYS , OR IF THEY 'VE GOT THEM ALL I SAY , WONDERFUL , SEE YOU NEXT WEEK , AND I RECOVER FROM THIS STRENUOUS ACTIVI TY WITH TWENTY-EIGHT WEEKS A YEAR OF TOTAL INACTIVITY , USUA LLY IN SOME PLEASANTLY WARM CLIMATE . $ I 'VE GIVEN UP ALL IDEAS OF WRITING BOOKS , RESEARCH , ALL T HAT NONSENSE , I 'M JUST SETTLING , SETTLING INTO MY CHARACT ER . $ I AM MORE THAN HALF IN LOVE WITH EASEFUL SLOTH . $ I 'M ... WHAT 'S THAT WORD MEANS BLOODLESS ? $ 01 ETIOLATED ? $ 02 ETIOLATED . $ THAT 'S IT , ETIOLATED . $ ONLY FIT FOR LYING ABOUT ON A SOFA WITH THE CURTAINS PULLED , LISTENING TO BAROQUE MUSIC . $ AND OCCASIONALLY DABBING AT THE TEMPLES WITH A DAMP FLANNEL . $ DO YOU KNOW THAT I 'M CAPABLE NOW OF EMPTYING MY HEAD COMPLE TELY FOR TWO OR THREE HOURS AT A STRETCH ? $ #76 $ NOT A SINGLE THOUGHT OF ANY KIND . $ NOTHING . $ THAT 'S NOT EASILY DONE , YOU KNOW . $ 01 I 'M SURE . $ 02 I THINK THAT IF ONE MANAGES IN ONE'S LIFETIME NOT ONLY TO COME TO TERMS WITH ONE'S OWN USELESSNESS BUT TO BEGIN ACTUA LLY ENJOYING IT AS WELL , THAT 'S SOMETHING , DON'T YOU THIN K , SOMETHING , SOME KIND ... AN ACHIEVEMENT . $ 01 PERHAPS . $ < ( SILENCE . ) > $ 02 I 'M SORRY , PHILIP . $ 01 WHY ? $ 02 IT 'S TYPICAL OF YOU , YOU KNOW . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 02 YOU 'VE HAD THE MOST TERRIBLE DAY , EVERYTHING HAS GONE W RONG , YOU ASK ME ROUND TO GIVE YOU SOME SUPPORT OR ADVICE O R SOMETHING AND ALL THAT HAPPENS IS THAT I TALK ABOUT MYSELF . $ 01 THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $ 02 I 'LL SHUT UP NOW . $ YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT . $ WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU ? $ 01 WELL , WHEN I WAS TALKING TO CELIA THIS AFTERNOON , SHE A SKED ME WHY I WANTED TO GET MARRIED , I MEAN , APART FROM WA NTING TO MARRY HER . $ IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT SHE WAS RIGHT , THAT I DID WANT TO G ET MARRIED , THAT I WAS LONELY , NOW THAT YOUTHFUL HOPES HAV E FADED IN THE USUAL WAY , THAT IT WASN'T ONLY HER . $ IT 'S ALL RIGHT WHEN YOU 'RE WITH PEOPLE , WHEN THERE 'S SOM EONE THERE , AS LONG AS THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE TO FILL THE A IR WITH PLAUSIBLE SOUNDS . $ IT 'S WHEN THE SILENCE COMES ... YOU KNOW , I FIND IT WHISTL ES AND RINGS NOW , THE OLDER I AM , THE LOUDER IT SEEMS TO G ET , THE SILENCE . $ I 'M SORRY , I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET MAUDLIN . $ 02 NO , GO ON . $ WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP , IF NOT A CHANCE TO INDULGE IN MUTUAL SE LF-PITY ? $ 01 AND I WAS THINKING WHAT YOU SAID TO ME YESTERDAY ABOUT LI Z . $ #77 $ 02 < ( SHIFTILY ) > $ OH ? $ 01 YES , YOU REMEMBER YOU WERE SAYING YOU THOUGHT SHE LIKED ME , AND THAT SHE WOULD BE MORE SUITABLE FOR ME THAN CELIA . $ 02 WELL ... $ 01 ANYWAY , I 'VE JUST SAT DOWN TO WRITE TO HER , I THOUGHT I 'D ASK HER OUT OR SOMETHING , ASK HER TO LUNCH , AND I JUS T WANTED TO ASK YOU WHAT ... $ < ( HE BREAKS OFF , SURPRISED BY DON'S OBVIOUS EMBARRASSMENT . ) > $ WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $ 02 WELL , LIZ IS , SHE 'S IN MY ROOM NOW . $ 01 IS SHE ? $ 02 SHE 'S BEEN THERE SINCE YESTERDAY EVENING . $ 01 OH . $ OH , THAT 'S ... ERM ... $ 02 SO I ... $ 01 YES . $ YES . $ 02 I 'VE RATHER , YOU KNOW , RATHER FALLEN FOR HER . $ 01 OH , WELL , THAT 'S , ER , ISN'T IT ? $ 02 YES . $ 01 I 'M SURPRISED , I DIDN'T THINK YOU ... $ 02 I 'M SURPRISED , TOO , IN FACT , I 'M AMAZED . $ SHE 'S SUCH A QUIET GIRL , I MEAN , YOU DON'T EXPECT HER TO BE , I MEAN , IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED , AND THEN FOR HER TO BE , WELL , SO PASSIONATE , I WAS VERY SURPRISED . $ 01 YES . $ 02 I 'M SORRY , PHILIP , IT 'S JUST THE WAY THINGS HAPPEN .. . $ 01 THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $ 02 THE LAST THING ... $ 01 THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $ PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BE GOING BACK NOW . $ 02 NO , IT 'S ALL RIGHT . $ 01 I 'D RATHER YOU DID . $ 02 NO , LOOK , YOU 'RE JUST A BIT UPSET ... $ 01 WILL YOU PLEASE GET OUT ! $ 02 OH , ALL RIGHT , IF YOU ... $ 01 PLEASE GO AWAY ! $ < ( DON EXITS UNCERTAINLY . $ PHILIP SITS FOR A MOMENT . $ THEN HE DRAINS HIS DRINK , GETS UP , MOVES TO HIS DESK , CRU MPLES UP THE LETTER AND THROWS IT INTO THE WASTE-PAPER BASKE T . > $ #78 $ NEXT HE MOVES BACK TO THE TABLE , TAKES A CIGARETTE FROM THE CIGARETTE-BOX AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH . $ PAUSE . $ THEN HE RETURNS TO THE DESK , OPENS A DRAWER AND TAKES OUT A SMALL PISTOL . $ HE CONSIDERS IT FOR A MOMENT , THEN PUTS IT DOWN ON THE DESK . $ HE LIFTS THE TELEPHONE AND DIALS TWO FIGURES . ) > $ HELLO , DON ? ... I 'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT ... YES , I JUST , YOU KNOW , WELL , I AM SORRY ANYWAY . $ ... WHAT ? $ ... NOW ? $ ALL RIGHT , IF YOU 'RE SURE THAT 'S ALL RIGHT ... ARE YOU SU RE ? $ ... YES , I AM QUITE HUNGRY ... WELL , THAT 'S VERY KIND ... YES , I 'M ALL RIGHT , NOW ... NO , DON'T LET 'S GET SENTIM ENTAL ABOUT IT ... WELL , ANYWAY , I 'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHIN G TERRIBLE ... YOU 'LL SEE IN A MINUTE . $ I FORGOT TO TELL YOU , I THOUGHT OF A NEW ANAGRAM TODAY ... " IMAGINE THE THEATRE AS REAL " ... " IMAGINE THE THEATRE AS REAL " ... IT 'S AN ANAGRAM FOR " I HATE THEE , STERILE ANA GRAM " ... $ YES , I THOUGHT SO TOO ... ALL RIGHT , THEN ... YES ... YES ... SEE YOU BOTH IN A MINUTE . $ < ( HE HANGS UP , PAUSES A MOMENT , THEN PICKS UP THE PISTOL . $ HE TURNS IT TOWARD HIM AND PULLS THE TRIGGER . $ A SMALL FLAME SPRINGS FROM THE HAMMER . $ PHILIP LIGHTS HIS CIGARETTE FROM IT , INHALES DEEPLY , POCKE TS THE PISTOL AND LEAVES THE STAGE . ) > $ < ( ARIA : " ICH FREUE MICH AUF MEINEN TOD " FROM BACH'S CAN TATA N0. 82 , " ICH HABE GENUG " . ) > $ < CURTAIN > $