<< *180 PETER BARNES : THE RULING CLASS , A BAROQUE COMEDY . LONDON , HEINEMANN , 1971 , IX + 11 P. FIRST PERF. : 061168 . CHAR. : 01 13TH EARL OF GURNEY , 02 TOASTMASTER , 03 TUCK ER , 04 BISHOP LAMPTON , 05 SIR CHARLES GURNEY , 06 DINSDALE , 07 LADY CLAIRE , 08 MATTHEW PEAKE , 09 14TH EARL OF GURNE Y , 10 DR PAUL HERDER , 11 MRS TREADWELL , 12 MRS PIGGOT-JON ES , 13 GRACE SHELLEY , 14 MCKYLE , 15 MCKYLE'S ASSISTANT , 16 KELSO TRUSCOTT , Q.C. , 17 GIRL , 18 DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BROCKETT , 19 DETECTIVE SERGEANT FRASER , 20 FIRST LORD , 21 SECOND LORD , 22 THIRD LORD , 23 VOICES , 24 RELATIVES , 25 ALL . >> $ #3 $ < PROLOGUE > $ < THREE DISTINCT RAPS . $ CURTAIN RISES . $ SPOT DOWN STAGE CENTRE . $ THE 13TH EARL OF GURNEY STANDS IN FULL EVENING DRESS AND MED ALS AT A BANQUETING TABLE . $ ON IT A SILVER COFFEE POT AND A HALF-FILLED WINE GLASS . $ A TOASTMASTER IN SCARLET JACKET AND SASH STANDS BESIDE HIM ; HE HAS JUST RAPPED HIS GAVEL FOR SILENCE . > $ 01 THE AIM OF THE SOCIETY OF ST GEORGE IS TO KEEP GREEN THE MEMORY OF ENGLAND AND WHAT ENGLAND MEANS TO HER SONS AND DAU GHTERS . $ I SAY THE FABRIC HOLDS , THOUGH FAMILIES FLY APART . $ ONCE THE RULERS OF THE GREATEST EMPIRE THE WORLD HAS EVER KN OWN , RULED NOT BY SUPERIOR FORCE OR SKILL BUT BY SHEER PRES ENCE . $ < ( RAISES GLASS IN A TOAST . ) > $ THIS TEEMING WOMB OF PRIVILEGE , THIS FEUDAL STATE , WHOSE S HORES BEAT BACK THE TURBULENT SEA OF FOREIGN ANARCHY . $ THIS ANCIENT FORTRESS , STILL COMMANDED BY THE NOBLEST OF OU R ROYAL BLOOD ; THIS ANCIENT LAND OF RITUAL . $ THIS PRECIOUS STONE SET IN A SILVER SEA . $ 02 MY LORDS , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . $ THE TOAST IS - ENGLAND . $ THIS PRECIOUS STONE SET IN A SILVER SEA . $ 01 23 ENGLAND . $ SET IN A SILVER SEA . $ < HE DRINKS . $ THE NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS OVER AS HIS LORDSHIP COMES RIGIDLY TO ATTENTION , WHILST BEHIND HIM , THE TOASTMASTER EXITS , AND THE TABLE IS TAKEN OFF . $ THE ANTHEM ENDS . $ LIGHTS UP ON HIS LORDSHIP'S BEDROOM . $ AN ORNATE FOUR-POSTER BED STAGE CENTRE , AND A WARDROBE NEAR A DOOR STAGE LEFT . $ DRESSED IN A TRADITIONAL BUTLER'S UNIFORM , DANIEL TUCKER , HIS LORDSHIP'S AGED MANSERVANT , CREAKINGLY LAYS OUT HIS MAS TER'S DRESSING-GOWN ON THE BED , WHILST HIS LORDSHIP UNDRESS ES . > $ #4 $ 03 HOW WAS YOUR SPEECH , SIR ? $ 01 < ( DROPPING JACKET ABSENTLY ON FLOOR ) > $ WENT WELL , TUCK . $ ENGLISHMEN LIKE TO HEAR THE TRUTH ABOUT THEMSELVES . $ < TUCKER PAINFULLY PICKS UP THE JACKET , WHILST HIS LORDSHIP SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED . > $ THE GUV'NOR LOVED THIS BED . $ 03 WOULDN'T SLEEP ANYWHERE ELSE , SIR . $ 01 TOOK IT ALL OVER THE WORLD , DELHI , CAIRO , HONG KONG . $ DEVILISH GREAT MAN , THE GUV'NOR . $ SUPERB SHOT . $ 03 < ( KNEELING TO TAKE OFF HIS LORDSHIP'S SHOES ) > $ DID WONDERFUL NEEDLEWORK TOO , SIR . $ ' PETIT-POINT ' . $ 01 < ( UNDOING HIS TROUSERS ) > $ TUCK , I 'M GETTING MARRIED AGAIN . $ 03 YES , MY LORD . $ 01 MISS GRACE SHELLEY . $ CHARLES IS RIGHT . $ SAKE OF THE FAMILY . $ GURNEY NAME . $ BEEN PUTTING IT OFF . $ ONLY JACK LEFT . $ 03 THIS HOUSE USED TO BE FULL OF MISCHIEF ... MISCHIEF ... $ 01 FOUR YOUNG DEVILS . $ THOUGHT I WAS SAFE ENOUGH . $ 03 MASTER PAUL WOULD HAVE BEEN THE 14TH EARL . $ 01 DISTRICT OFFICER AT TWENTY-ONE . $ DEAD AT TWENTY-THREE . $ BERI-BERI . $ PICKED IT UP OFF SOME SCRUFFY FUZZY-WUZZY IN A DRESSING-GOWN , SHOULDN'T WONDER . $ 03 < ( GETTING UP SLOWLY ) > $ YOUNG RICHARD USED TO PLAY THE XYLOPHONE . $ 01 AND YOUNG RAYMOND KILLED IN MALAYA . $ NOT ONE OF 'EM BURIED IN ENGLAND . $ NEVER SEEN THEIR GRAVES . $ 03 < ( CROSSING TO THE WARDROBE WITH CLOTHES ) > $ YOU COULD DO THAT ON YOUR HONEYMOON , YOUR LORDSHIP . $ #5 $ 01 THERE 'S STILL JACK . $ < ( THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER . ) > $ IT 'S ALL BASED ON LAND , TUCK . $ CAN'T HAVE THOSE KNAVES FROM WHITEHALL MOVING IN . $ SO IT 'S MISS GRACE SHELLEY . $ 03 IS SHE ANYONE , SIR ? $ 01 NO ONE . $ BUT CHARLES RECOMMENDS HER AS GOOD BREEDING STOCK . $ FAMILY FOALS WELL . $ SIRES MOSTLY . $ THERE 'S ALWAYS ROOM AT THE TOP FOR BRAINS , MONEY OR A GOOD PAIR OF TITTIES . $ 03 MISS SHELLEY SEEMS WELL-ENDOWED , SIR . $ < TUCKER COMES BACK WITH A FLAT LEATHER CASE FROM THE WARDRO BE . $ HE OPENS IT FOR HIS LORDSHIP , WHO IS DEEP IN THOUGHT . $ INSIDE ARE FOUR COILS OF ROPE , EACH EIGHT FEET LONG , MADE OF SILK , NYLON , HEMP AND CORD RESPECTIVELY . > $ YOUR LORDSHIP ? $ 01 WHAT ? $ EH ? $ < ( LOOKING . ) > $ YES , I SUPPOSE SO . $ HARD DAY . $ NEED TO RELAX . $ 03 MAY I SUGGEST SILK TONIGHT , SIR ? $ 01 GOOD IDEA , TUCK . $ FOR ST GEORGE . $ < TUCKER TAKES THE SILK ROPE AND GOES ROUND TO A PAIR OF STE PS . $ HE PLACES THEM UNDER A CROSS-BEAM AT THE CORNER OF THE BED A ND CLIMBS UP WITH THE ROPE . > $ 01 AH , TUCK , THERE 'S NO END TO DUTY . $ EVERY DAY 'S LIKE CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN . $ HOW DID TIBERIUS DO IT AT HIS AGE ? $ 03 WILL-POWER , SIR . $ 01 THE LAW 'S BEEN MY LIFE , TUCK . $ AND THE REASON IS THE SOUL OF THE LAW . $ A JUDGE CAN'T BE UNREASONABLE . $ SO HOW CAN HE BE A LOVER , EH ? $ OURS IS A DAMNED DRY WORLD , TUCK . $ 03 A LONG LIFE , AND A GREY ONE , YOUR LORDSHIP . $ 01 < ( MUSING ) > $ THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH . $ NO NEED OF OTHER VICES . $ IF YOU 'VE ONCE PUT ON THE BLACK CAP , EVERYTHING ELSE TASTE S LIKE WAX FRUIT . $ < TUCKER TIES THE ROPE TO A HOOK ON THE CROSS-BEAM . $ THE ROPE HANGS DOWN IN A NOOSE . $ HIS LORDSHIP PEERS UP . > $ #6 $ NOOSE A BIT HIGH , TUCK . $ PULL THE KNOT DOWN HALF AN INCH . $ THAT 'S IT . $ < TUCKER COMES DOWN . > $ 03 WILL THAT BE ALL , YOUR LORDSHIP ? $ 01 WHISKY AND SODA IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AS USUAL . $ OH , TUCK , TELL COOK THE TRIAL ENDS TOMMORROW . $ SHE KNOWS I DON'T LIKE PASSING SENTENCE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH . $ 03 VERY GOOD , MY LORD . $ < TUCKER EXITS STAGE LEFT . $ HUMMING TO HIMSELF , HIS LORDSHIP GOES TO THE WARDROBE AND B RINGS OUT A THREE-CORNERED COCKED HAT , A SWORD IN A SCABBAR D AND A WHITE TUTU BALLET SKIRT . > $ 01 NOTHING LIKE A GOOD ENGLISH BREAKFAST . $ BIG MEAL OF THE DAY FOR THE GUV'NOR . $ ALWAYS SAT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE . $ ALL THE MAIL IN FRONT OF HIM . $ HE 'D PASS IT OUT TO THE REST OF US . $ SAME WITH THE NEWSPAPERS . $ ALWAYS READ THE TIMES THROUGH FIRST , IN CASE THERE WAS ANYT HING TOO DISTURBING IN IT . $ MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD ' SOCIALIST ' MEANT TILL SH E WAS PAST FIFTY . $ REMEMBER STANDING AT THE FOOT OF THIS BED HERE , TELLING HIM I WANTED TO BE A PAINTER . $ ' THE GURNEYS HAVE NEVER BEEN SLACKERS , ' HE SAID . $ ' PULLED THEIR WEIGHT . $ EARNED THEIR PRIVILEGES . ' $ GREAT CONCESSION LETTING ME STUDY LAW . $ NOT THE GURNEY TRADITION . $ ALWAYS THE ARMY . $ < ( HE PUTS THE TUTU ON , DELICATELY FLOUNCING IT OUT . ) > $ THE SMELL OF CORDITE . $ THE CLASH OF STEEL . $ FEET , FEET , FEET , THE BOYS ARE MARCHING ! $ A LITTLE MORE GRAPE-SHOT CAPTAIN BRAGG ! $ GIVE 'EM THE COLD STEEL , BOYS . ' $ < ( HE STRAPS THE SWORD TO HIS SIDE AND PUTS ON THE THREE-CO RNERED HAT . ) > $ < NOW DRESSED IN THREE-CORNERED HAT , BALLET SKIRT , LONG UN DERWEAR AND SWORD , THE 13TH EARL OF GURNEY CURTSEYS AND MOV ES TOWARDS THE STEPS , TREMBLING SLIGHTLY IN ANTICIPATION . ) > $ CLOSE . $ I CAN FEEL HER HOT BREATH . $ WONDERFUL . $ ONE SLIP . $ THE WORMS HAVE THE BEST OF IT . $ THEY DINE OFF THE TENDEREST JOINTS . $ JUICY BREASTS , WHITE THIGHS , RED HAIR COLOUR OF RUST ... T HE WORMS HAVE THE BEST OF IT . $ < ( HE CLIMBS UP THE STEPS , STANDS UNDER THE NOOSE AND COME S TO ATTENTION . ) > $ IT IS A FAR , FAR BETTER THING I DO NOW , THAN I HAVE EVER D ONE . $ #7 $ < ( HE SLIPS THE NOOSE OVER HIS HEAD , TREMBLING . ) > $ NO , SIR . $ NO BANDAGE . $ DIE MY DEAR DOCTOR ? $ THAT 'S THE LAST THING I SHALL DO . $ IS THAT YOU , MY LOVE ? $ NOW , COME DARLING ... TO ME ... HA ! ... $ < STEPPING OFF THE TOP OF THE STEPS , HE DANGLES FOR A FEW S ECONDS AND BEGINS TO TWITCH AND JUMP . $ HE PUTS HIS FEET BACK ON THE TOP OF THE STEPS . $ GASPING , HE LOOSENS THE NOOSE . > $ < ( TREMBLING HOARSELY . ) > $ TOUCHED HIM , SAW HER , TOWERS OF DEATH AND SILENCE , ANGELS OF FIRE AND ICE . $ SAW ALEXANDER COVERED WITH HONEY AND BEESWAX IN HIS TOMB AND FELT THE FLOWERS GROWING OVER ME . $ A MAN MUST HAVE HIS VISIONS . $ HOW ELSE COULD AN ENGLISH JUDGE AND PEER OF THE REALM TAKE M OONLIGHT TRIPS TO MARRAKESH AND PONDERS END ? $ SEE SIX VESTAL VIRGINS SMOKING CIGARS ? $ MOSES IN BEDROOM SLIPPERS ? $ NAKED BOSOMS FLOATING PAST FORMOSA ? $ DESPERATE DISEASES NEED DESPERATE REMEDIES . $ < ( GLANCING TOWARDS THE DOOR . ) > $ JUST TIME FOR A QUICK ONE . $ < ( REVERENTLY PLACES NOOSE OVER HIS HEAD AGAIN . ) > $ BE OF GOOD CHEER , MASTER RIDLEY , AND PLAY THE MAN . $ THERE 'S PLENTY OF TIME TO WIN THIS GAME , AND THRASH THE SP ANIARDS TOO . $ < ( EXCITEDLY DRAWS HIS SWORD . ) > $ FORM SQUARES MEN ! $ SMASH THE MAHDI , AND BINNIE BARNES ! $ < WITH A LUSTFUL GURGLE HE STEPS OFF . $ BUT THIS TIME HE KNOCKS OVER THE STEPS . $ DANGLING HELPLESS FOR A SECOND HE DROPS THE SWORD AND TRIES TO TEAR THE NOOSE FREE , GESTURING FRANTICALLI . $ EVERY MUSCLE BEGINS TO TREMBLE . $ HIS LEGS JACK-KNIFE UP TO HIS STOMACH ; THEY JACK-KNIFE AGAI N AND AGAIN WITH INCREASING SPEED AND VIOLENCE . $ THE SPASMS REACH A CLIMAX , THEN STOP SUDDENLY . $ THE BODY GOES LIMP AND SWAYS GENTLY AT THE END OF THE ROPE . $ A DISCREET KNOCK ON DOOR STAGE LEFT . $ 03 < ( VOICE OFF ) > $ YOUR LORDSHIP ? $ ARE YOU READY ? $ < THE DOOR OPENS SLIGHTLY . $ TUCKER SHUFFLES IN CARRYING A TRAY WITH WHISKY AND SODA . $ HE SEES HIS LORDSHIP . > $ BLEEDING BLOODY HELL ! $ < BLACKOUT . > $ < CURTAIN > $ #8 $ < ACT ONE > $ #9 $ #10 $ #11 $ < SCENE ONE > $ < A GREAT CHURCH ORGAN THUNDERS OUT ' THE DEAD MARCH FROM SA UL ' . $ THE CURTAIN PARTS ENOUGH TO REVEAL THE IMPOSING FIGURE OF BI SHOP BERTRAM LAMPTON , MAGNIFICENTLY DRESSED IN RED COPE , S URPLICE , EMBROIDERED STOLE AND MITRE . $ FOUR PALL BEARERS IN TOP-HATS AND MORNING-COATS SLOWLY CROSS DOWN STAGE , BEARING A COFFIN , DRAPED WITH THE GURNEY BANN ER . > $ 04 < ( CHANTING ) > $ I AM THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE , SAITH THE LORD ; HE THA T BELIEVETH IN ME THOUGH HE WERE DEAD , YET SHALL HE LIVE : AND WHOSOEVER LIVETH AND BELIEVETH IN ME SHALL NEVER DIE . $ GILEAD IS MINE , AND MANASSES IS MINE : EPHRAIM ALSO IS THE STRENGTH OF MY HEAD ; JUDAH IS MY LAWGIVER , MOAB IS MY WASH POT ; OVER EDOM WILL I CAST OUT MY SHOE : PHILISTRIA , TRIUM PH THOU BECAUSE OF ME . $ WHO WILL LEAD ME ONTO THE STRONG CITY : WHO WILL BRING ME IN TO EDOM ? $ < THE PALL BEARERS EXIT RIGHT . $ THE CURTAIN OPENS BEHIND THE BISHOP TO SHOW HIS LORDSHIP'S R ELATIVES DRESSED IN BLACK , STANDING GROUPED IN THE DRAWING ROOM OF THE GURNEY COUNTRY HOUSE . > $ 04 24 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL . $ ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL . $ ALL THINGS WISE AND WONDERFUL , THE LORD GOD MADE THEM ALL . $ THE RICH MAN IN HIS CASTLE , THE POOR MAN AT HIS GATE . $ GOD MADE THEM HIGH AND LOWLY , AND ORDERED THEIR ESTATE ... ' $ < AS THEY SING BISHOP LAMPTON DISROBES , HANDING HIS COPE , SURPLICE AND MITRE TO TUCKER . $ THE BISHOP HAS SHRUNK TO A SMALL , BALD-HEADED , ASTHMATIC O LD MAN IN DOG-COLLAR AND GAITERS . $ AS THE LAST NOTE OF THE HYMN DIES AWAY AND TUCKER STAGGERS O FF WINGS LEFT WITH THE ROBES , HE SMOOTHS DOWN HIS NON-EXIST ENT HAIR AND WADDLES UP STAGE TO JOIN THE OTHERS . > $ #12 $ < SCENE TWO > $ < THE LARGE DRAWING ROOM OF GURNEY MANOR . $ IT IS SEVENTEENTH CENTURY , EXCEPT FOR THE HIGH DOUBLE FRENC H-WINDOWS , NOW HEAVILY CURTAINED , STAGE RIGHT . $ RUNNING THE LENGTH OF THE BACK WALL UP STAGE IS A NARROW GAL LERY : SMALL STAIRWAYS , UP STAGE LEFT AND RIGHT , LEAD UP T O IT . $ ON THE WALL ABOVE THE GALLERY ARE PORTRAITS OF PAST EARLS . $ UP STAGE CENTRE , BELOW THE GALLERY , IS A WIDE DOUBLE-DOORW AY LEADING TO THE HALL . $ JUST ABOVE IT THE GURNEY CREST . $ DOOR , DOWN STAGE LEFT , AND ALONGSIDE , A BELL-ROPE . $ SOFA AND CHAIRS CENTRE STAGE . $ DESK , CHAIR AND COFFEE TABLE ADJACENT TO THE WINDOWS . > $ LADY CLAIRE GURNEY IS ON THE SOFA : LONG BLACK CIGARETTE HOL DER , LONG BLACK VELVET GLOVES . $ SIR CHARLES GURNEY STANDS RAMROD STIFF , HIS LEGS SLIGHTLY A PART , WHILST DINSDALE GURNEY LOUNGES ON THE ARM OF THE SOFA , ELEGANTLY PICKING HIS NOSE . $ BISHOP LAMPTON JOINS THEM . > $ 05 EXCELLENT SERVICE , BERTIE . $ CREATED EXACTLY THE RIGHT IMPRESSION . $ 06 DAMNED IF I COULD UNDERSTAND A WORD OF IT . $ 04 < ( ASTHMATICALLY ) > $ HARDLY EXPECTED YOU TO , YOUNG MAN . $ IT WAS A CHURCH SERVICE . $ A SERVICE , CHARLES , I MIGHT ADD , I COULD NOT HAVE CONDUCT ED FOR SOMEONE WHO MAY HAVE LAIN VIOLENT HANDS UPON HIMSELF . $ A DISTURBING RUMOUR HAS REACHED MY EARS . $ DID RALPH COMMIT SUICIDE ? $ 05 < ( SLIGHTLY EXASPERATED ) > $ SUICIDE ? $ TUCKER FOUND RALPH HANGING IN THE BEDROOM DRESSED IN A COCKE D HAT , UNDERPANTS AND A BALLET SKIRT . $ DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SUICIDE ? $ 06 I 'M SURE IF UNCLE RALPH HAD WANTED TO DO ANYTHING FOOLIS H HE 'D HAVE DONE IT DECENTLY . $ BULLET THROUGH THE HEAD , ALWAYS THE GURNEY WAY . $ 05 NO IDEA HOW THESE MALICIOUS RUMOURS GET STARTED . $ #13 $ THE CORONER'S VERDICT IS CLEAR ENOUGH . $ ACCIDENT BROUGHT ON BY THE STRAIN OF OVERWORK . $ 04 < ( SITTING ) > $ HAD TO BE SURE . $ HE 'S BURIED IN CONSECRATED GROUND . $ 06 < ( THOUGHTFULLY ) > $ STILL , YOU KNOW , I MUST SAY IT 'S ODD , UNCLE RALPH FOUND HANGING AROUND LIKE THAT IN A BALLET SKIRT . $ 07 < ( MALICIOUSLY ) > $ CHARLES DIDN'T YOU SAY RALPH ALWAYS WAS RATHER ARTISTIC ? $ 05 HE WAS WILFUL , STUBBORN , AND THIS TIME HE WENT TOO FAR . $ BUT HE WAS MY BROTHER - WELL , HALF-BROTHER . $ I WON'T HAVE YOU CALLING HIM ARTISTIC . $ 04 < ( BETWEEN GASPS : PUZZLED ) > $ COCKED HAT ? $ WHY WAS HE WEARING A COCKED HAT ? $ 05 TRYING IT ON FOR SIZE OBVIOUSLY . $ I TOLD HIM NOT TO STAY A WIDOWER . $ THE GUV'NOR DIDN'T . $ UNDERSTOOD HIS DUTY TO THE FAMILY . $ HAD TO START BREEDING AGAIN . $ NOT PLEASANT , I GRANT YOU , FOR A MAN OF RALPH'S AGE . $ BUT IT WAS SOMETHING HE HAD TO GET ON TOP OF . $ 04 UNDERPANTS ? $ WHY WAS HE IN HIS UNDERPANTS ? $ 05 WHY NOT ? $ GOING TO BED WASN'T HE ? $ THOUGHT OUR TROUBLES WERE OVER WHEN HE TOOK A FANCY TO YOUNG GRACE SHELLEY . $ THAT WOULD HAVE SOLVED EVERYTHING . $ 07 YES , WOULDN'T IT JUST . $ 06 FRANKLY , I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE PLOTHER . $ UNCLE RALPH HAS AN HEIR - JACK , THE 14TH EARL OF GURNEY . $ 05 < ( STROKING HIS MOUSTACHE ) > $ YES ... $ IT 'S GOING TO BE AWKWARD . $ DAMNED AWKWARD . $ 07 RALPH WAS AWARE OF THE SITUATION . $ I 'M SURE HE 'S MADE PROPER ARRANGEMENTS . $ A MATTER OF FINDING OUT WHO HE 'S APPOINTED GUARDIAN OF THE ESTATE . $ 04 < ( SITTING UP ) > $ BUT WHAT WAS HE DOING IN A BALLET-SKIRT ? $ ANSWER ME THAT ! $ < TUCKER ENTERS UP STAGE CENTRE . > $ 03 MR MATTHEW PEAKE TO SEE YOU , SIR CHARLES . $ #14 $ 05 RIGHT . $ SHOW HIM IN . $ < TUCKER STEPS ASIDE , AND MATTHEW PEAKE , SOLICITOR , ENTER S AND GIVES HIM HIS TRILBY . $ HE IS A DESSICATED , DEFERENTIAL MAN WITH ROUND SHOULDERS , WINGED COLLAR AND A BRIEFCASE . > $ 05 I BELIEVE YOU KNOW EVERYONE HERE , PEAKE . $ 08 I HAVE HAD THAT HONOUR , SIR CHARLES . $ 05 ALL RIGHT , TUCKER , THAT 'LL BE ALL . $ WE 'RE NOT TO BE DISTURBED . $ 08 SIR CHARLES , MIGHT I SUGGEST TUCKER STAYS . $ < ( TAPS BRIEFCASE SIGNIFICANTLY . ) > $ 05 WHAT ? $ OH QUITE . $ WELL , TUCKER , SEEMS YOU 'RE GOING TO HEAR SOMETHING TO YOU R ADVANTAGE . $ 03 YES , SIR . $ < HE STANDS DISCREETLY IN THE BACKGROUND , HOLDING PEAKE'S T RILBY . > $ 08 MAY I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS MY CONDOLENCES . $ 07 TUCKER , DO SIT DOWN . $ 03 THANK YOU , MADAM . $ < HE SITS ON THE EDGE OF A CHAIR , WHILST PEAKE CROSSES TO T HE DESK , AND TAKES OUT SOME LEGAL DOCUMENTS . > $ 08 HMMM , MAY I SAY , SIR CHARLES , HOW REFRESHING IT IS TO MEET WITH SUCH RESTRAINT . $ USUALLY I 'M AFRAID THESE OCCASIONS ARE SO ... $ < ( PURSES LIPS IN DISTASTE ) > $ EMOTIONAL . $ 05 DO GET ON WITH IT . $ 08 BUT , SIR CHARLES , SHOULDN'T WE WAIT ? $ HIS LORDSHIP'S HEIR ... $ 05 JACK 'S BEEN NOTIFIED . $ WASN'T ABLE TO GET AWAY FOR THE FUNERAL . $ NOT LIKELY TO COME NOW . $ 08 VERY WELL , SIR CHARLES . $ I 'LL INFORM HIM LATER . $ < ALL EYES NOW ON PEAKE AS HE PUTS ON HORN-RIMMED SPECTACLES , AND READS IN A DRY MONOTONE . > $ < ( READING ) > $ ' I , RALPH , DOUGLAS , CHRISTOPHER , ALEXANDER , GURNEY , O F GURNEY HOUSE IN THE COUNTY OF BEDFORDSHIRE , HEREBY REVOKE ALL FORMER WILLS AND CODICILS AND DECLARE THIS TO BE MY LAS T WILL . $ I APPOINT MR MATTHEW PEAKE OF 17 BROWNLOW GARDENS , BEDFORDS HIRE , TO BE THE SOLE EXECUTOR OF THIS MY WILL . $ #15 $ I GIVE AND BEQUEATH UNTO MY MANSERVANT , DANIEL TUCKER , THE SUM OF TWENTY THOUSAND POUNDS FREE OF DUTY . ' $ < MURMURS OF SURPRISE FROM THE LISTENERS . $ BUT NO REACTION FROM TUCKER HIMSELF . > $ THERE FOLLOW A NUMBER OF BEQUESTS TO VARIOUS CHARITIES , WHI CH HIS LORDSHIP WAS INTERESTED IN . $ I 'LL RUN THROUGH THEM BRIEFLY . $ ' I BEQUETH THE SUM OF FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS TO THE TAILWAVER S REGISTERED NATIONAL CHARITY . $ THREE THOUSAND POUNDS TO THE BANKERS BENEFICENT SOCIETY LTD. ' ... > $ 03 YIPPEE ! $ < ( SHOOTS OFF THE CHAIR . ) > $ TWENTY THOUSAND ! $ TWENTY THOUSAND SMACKERS ! $ YAWEE ! $ < JUMPING CLUMSILY INTO THE AIR , AND CLICKING HIS HEELS TOG ETHER , HE FLICKS PEAKE'S TRILBY ON TO HIS HEAD AND GLEEFULL Y CAPERS FORWARD . > $ < ( SINGING IN A CROAK . ) > $ ' I 'M GILBERT THE FILBERT THE KNUT WITH A " K " . $ < ( GIVES GOUTY HIGH KICK . ) > $ THE PRIDE OF PICCADILLY , THE BLASE ROUE . $ OH HADES ! $ THE LADIES $ < ( OGLES CLAIRE ) > $ WHO LEAVE THEIR WOODEN HUTS , FOR GILBERT THE FILBERT , THE COLONEL OF THE KNUTS . ' $ YAH ! $ < FLINGING OPEN THE DOOR UP STAGE HE LEAPS RAGGEDLY OUT , AR MS HELD HIGH . $ THERE IS A CRASH OFF AS HE HITS SOMETHING FOLLOWED BY A CACK LE OF LAUGHTER . $ SILENCE IN THE ROOM . > $ 06 TUCKER SEEMS HET UP . $ 04 ' SO ARE THE WAYS OF EVERYONE THAT IS GREEDY OF GAIN ' . $ WHAT ABOUT THE ZAMBESI MISSION , PEAKE ? $ AND THE OVERSEAS BISHOPRICS FUND ? $ 05 NEVER MIND THAT , BERTIE . $ WHAT ABOUT THE ESTATE ? $ 08 < ( CONTINUES READING ) > $ ' I DEVISE AND BEQUEATH ALL THE REMAINDER OF MY ESTATE BOTH REAL AND PERSONAL WHATSOEVER AND WHERESOEVER TO WHICH I MIGH T BE ENTITLED OR OVER WHICH I HAVE ANY DISPOSING AT THE TIME OF MY DEATH , TO MY BELOVED SON , JACK , ARNOLD , ALEXANDER , TANCRED , GURNEY , THE 14TH EARL OF GURNEY , FOR HIS OWN USE ABSOLUTELY . ' $ 05 < ( REPEATING SLOWLY ) > $ ' FOR HIS OWN USE ABSOLUTELY . ' $ BUT WHO 'S BEEN APPOINTED LEGAL GUARDIAN ? $ 08 NO ONE . $ #16 $ 04 ' BY THE RIVERS OF BABYLON THERE WE SAT DOWN , YEA , WE W EPT WHEN WE REMEMBERED ZION . ' $ 05 < ( STUNNED ) > $ YOU MEAN JACK IS FREE TO RUN THE ESTATE ... AND EVERYTHING . .. ? $ 07 THINK OF JACK IN THE ROYAL ENCLOSURE . $ 04 JACK IN THE ATHENAEUM . $ 05 < ( GRIMLY ) > $ IT 'S OBVIOUS RALPH HAS LET HIS PERSONAL FEELINGS COME BEFOR E HIS DUTY TO HIS FAMILY . $ WE 'LL HAVE TO FIGHT . $ AWKWARD . $ SCANDAL AN' ALL . $ BUT WE 'VE NO CHOICE . $ 08 < DIFFIDENTLY READING ) > $ ' IF THIS MY WILL IS CONTESTED , THE WHOLE OF MY ESTATE , BO TH REAL AND PERSONAL , IS BEQUEATHED TO THE CHARITIES NAMED HEREWITH : $ THE EARL HAIG FUND , LORD WHARTON'S ... ' $ < THE REST IS DROWNED OUT AS ALL START SHOUTING ANGRILY . $ THEY ARE TOO BUSY YELLING TO NOTICE TUCKER APPEAR IN THE DOO RWAY UP STAGE CENTRE SMOKING A CIGAR . $ HE DISAPPEARS FOR A SECOND , RE-APPEARING IMMEDIATELY CARRYI NG A LARGE HALL VASE . $ HOLDING IT UP , HE DELIBERATELY DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR . $ IT SMASHES WITH A LOUD CRASH . $ THE SHOUTING STOPS . $ THEY ALL TURN IN ASTONISHMENT . $ TUCKER TAKES THE CIGAR OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND MAKES THE ANNOUN CEMENT IN HIS USUAL CALM , RESPECTFUL TONE . > $ 03 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . $ THE QUEEN 'S RIGHT TRUSTY AND WELL BELOVED COUSIN - JACK , A RNOLD , ALEXANDER , TANCRED , GURNEY , THE 14TH EARL OF GURN EY . $ < SURPRISED GASPS . $ TUCKER STEPS TO ONE SIDE . $ THE SOUND OF APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS . $ ALL EYES ON THE DOOR . $ BISHOP LAMPTON'S ASTHMA BECOMES PAINFULLY PRONOUNCED AS THE TENSION MOUNTS . $ HIS BREATHING TURNS INTO A THIN , HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH AS TH E NEW EARL OF GURNEY FINALLY APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY : A FRAN CISCAN MONK OF THE CAPUCHI ORDER . $ HIS HABIT IS A COARSE , BROWN TUNIC , CORD , GIRDLE , POINTE D COWL , BARE FEET IN SANDALS . $ TALL AND ASCETIC , THE EARL HAS A SENSITIVE FACE , FAIR BEAR D AND A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY . > $ 09 < ( GENTLY ) > $ HELLO ... $ < ( HANDS CLASPED IN HIS LARGE SLEEVES , HE CROSSES DOWN STA GE . ) > $ I 'M SORRY I WASN'T HERE BEFORE BUT I ONLY RECEIVED THE NEWS YESTERDAY . $ I 'M AFRAID OUR LITTLE COMMUNITY IS SOMEWHAT CUT OFF . $ #17 $ I HOPE YOU 'LL FORGIVE ME . $ I KNOW HE WOULD . $ MY SORROW ISN'T LESS , OR THE PAIN . $ I 'VE JUST BEEN TO HIS GRAVE . $ THANK YOU , UNCLE CHARLES , FOR MAKING ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS . $ < SIR CHARLES LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE . > $ AUNT CLAIRE , IT 'S BEEN SO LONG . $ YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED . $ 07 NOR YOU . $ 09 YOU MUST BE DINSDALE ? $ 06 ER - YES , I MUST . $ HOW DO YOU DO , SIR . $ 09 < ( TURNING TO BISHOP LAMPTON ) > $ ARE YOU STILL ANGRY WITH ME , BISHOP ? $ < BUT SPEECHLESS WITH ASTHMA , BISHOP LAMPTON CAN ONLY WAVE HIM AWAY FEEBLY . > $ FIRST LET ME PUT YOUR MINDS AT REST . $ THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE . $ I 'VE COME BACK TO TAKE MY PROPER PLACE IN THE WORLD . $ THE MONASTIC IDEAL ISN'T EASY . $ I 'VE HAD MANY BROKEN NIGHTS . $ BUT I 'VE COME BACK REFRESHED . $ < ( HE SMILES . ) > $ THOUGH HARDLY EQUIPPED FOR SOCIETY . $ I SHALL NEED YOUR HELP , UNCLE CHARLES . $ WE 'RE ALL ONE FAMILY . $ LET 'S WASH AWAY THE OLD SORES . $ IF THE BISHOP DOESN'T MIND . $ I THINK WE SHOULD PRAY . $ 05 PRAY ? $ 09 FOR LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING . $ SURELY YOU PRAY FOR LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING ? $ 07 < ( LOOKING AT SIR CHARLES ) > $ EVERY NIGHT . $ WITHOUT SUCCESS . $ < PEAKE MOVES SILENTLY TOWARDS THE DOOR . > $ 09 YOU TOO , MR PEAKE . $ 08 I 'M METHODIST . $ 09 I 'M SURE YOU 'RE STILL A CHRISTIAN . $ < ( GESTURES GENTLY . ) > $ COME , FOR ME . $ 08 YES , MY LORD . $ < EMBARRASSED , HE BEGINS AWKWARDLY TO KNEEL . $ CLAIRE SMILES SLIGHTLY AND JOINS PEAKE AND TUCKER ON HER KNE ES . $ SIR CHARLES IS ABOUT TO PROTEST BUT THEN THINKS BETTER OF IT . $ CLENCHING HIS JAW HE FOLLOWS PULLING DINSDALE DOWN WITH HIM . $ BISHOP LAMPTON FIGHTS OFF A VIOLENT ASTHMA ATTACK WITH AN IN HALER WHILST THE OTHERS KNEEL ROUND THE EARL . $ #18 $ THE LIGHTS START TO DIM DOWN TO A SPOT ON THEM AS HE HOLDS O UT HIS HAND IN BLESSING . > $ 09 A PRAYER SHOULD RISE UP LIKE INCENSE . $ FOR YOU ARE ACKNOWLEDGING THE POWER AND GOODNESS OF GOD . $ IT 'S AN ACT OF FAITH AND A UNION . $ A PRAYER IS NOT A REQUEST , BUT AN APPEAL . $ TO PRAY MEANS TO ASK , TO BEG , TO PLEAD . $ A PRAYER IS A MESSAGE TO HEAVEN . $ YOU ARE TALKING DIRECTLY TO GOD ... EXPRESS YOUR DESIRES FRE ELY , DON'T BE AFRAID , I KNOW THEM ALREADY . $ < ( THEY ALL LOOK UP AT HIM IN HORROR . ) > $ FOR I AM THE CREATOR AND RULER OF THE UNIVERSE , KHODA , THE ONE SUPREME BEING AND INFINITE PERSONAL BEING , YAWEH , SHA NGRI-TI AND EL , THE FIRST IMMOVABLE MOVER , YEA , I AM THE ABSOLUTE UNKNOWABLE RIGHTEOUS ETERNAL , THE LORD OF HOSTS , THE KING OF KINGS , LORD OF LORDS , THE FATHER , SON AND HOL Y GHOST , THE ONE TRUE GOD , THE GOD OF LOVE , THE NAZ ! $ < A STRANGLED CRY FROM BISHOP LAMPTON AS HE SLIPS OFF HIS CH AIR AND THUDS UNCONSCIOUS ON TO THE FLOOR IN THE DARKNESS . > $ #19 $ < SCENE THREE > $ < A PLAIN WHITE BACKING LOWERED IMMEDIATELY DOWN STAGE CENTR E INTO THE SPOT , CUTTING THE EARL OF GURNEY FROM VIEW . $ SIR CHARLES AND DR PAUL HERDER , A THIN MAN WITH A COLD MANN ER , ENTER FROM WINGS LEFT AND STAND IN FRONT OF IT . > $ 10 HIS LORDSHIP IS A PARANOID-SCHIZOPHRENIC . $ 05 BUT HE 'S A GURNEY . $ 10 THEN HE 'S A PARANOID-SCHIZOPHRENIC-GURNEY WHO BELIEVES H E 'S GOD . $ 05 BUT WE 'VE ALWAYS BEEN CHURCH OF ENGLAND . $ 10 IN PARANOID-SCHIZOPHRENIA THE PATIENT'S RELATIONSHIP WITH REALITY IS DISTURBED . $ HIS IDEA OF THE WORLD WE LIVE IN IS DETERMINED SOLELY BY HIS FEELINGS . $ WHAT HE FEELS IS - IS . $ 05 IF MY NEPHEW 'S BONKERS , WHY THE BLAZES DID YOU LET HIM OUT ? $ 10 HE 'S A VOLUNTARY PATIENT IN A PRIVATE CLINIC , FREE TO L EAVE WHEN HE CHOOSES . $ HIS FATHER INSISTED ON NO OFFICIAL CERTIFICATION . $ IF YOU WANT HIM PERMANENTLY DETAINED HERE , BRING HIM BEFORE THE BOARD OF CONTROL OR GET THE MASTER IN LUNACY TO SIGN AN ORDER . $ 05 < ( QUICKLY ) > $ ER - LATER , WHEN WE 'VE GOT A FEW THINGS SETTLED . $ 10 FROM THE MEDICAL POINT OF VIEW A PLUNGE INTO THE WAKING W ORLD WON'T DO THE EARL ANY HARM . $ 05 WON'T DO HIM ANY HARM . $ WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US ? $ 10 HE 'S NOT DANGEROUS . $ PROVIDED HE 'S LEFT RELATIVELY SECLUDED IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO DIFFICULT . $ IT 'LL BE A VERY INTERESTING EXPERIMENT . $ A HARSH DOSE OF REALITY CAN SOMETIMES HELP TOWARDS A CURE . $ #20 $ 05 CURE ! $ YOU 'VE HAD HIM HERE FOR SEVEN YEARS ALREADY , AND LOOK AT H IM . $ WHAT 'VE YOU BEEN DOING ? $ 10 EXERCISING PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING . $ SOMETHING HE 'LL NEED FROM HIS FAMILY . $ 05 < ( TESTILY ) > $ YES , YES , BUT WHY HAVEN'T YOU USED THE KNIFE ? $ 10 BECAUSE LABOTOMY IS IRRELEVANT AND DANGEROUS IN THIS CASE . $ HE SHOWED CLASSIC SCHIZOPHRENIC SYMPTOMS BY WITHDRAWING FROM HIS ENVIRONMENT . $ THEN , OF COURSE , HE NEVER FORGOT BEING BRUTALLY REJECTED B Y HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN . $ THEY SENT HIM AWAY , ALONE , INTO A PRIMITIVE COMMUNITY OF L ICENSED BULLIES AND PEDERASTS . $ 05 YOU MEAN HE WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL . $ < HERDER NODS AND THEY BEGIN TO WALK SLOWLY TO THE WINGS LEF T , SPOT FOLLOWS THEM , WHILST ANOTHER SPOT REMAINS ON THE W HITE BACKING , WHICH IS TAKEN UP TO SHOW THE EARL OF GURNEY STANDING IN EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE AS BEFORE , CENTRE STAGE . > $ 10 YOU MUST REALIZE THE EARL'S STRANGE POSITION . $ IT 'S WHAT MAKES HIM SUCH AN INTERESTING CASE . $ REMEMBER , HE 'S SUFFERING FROM DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR . $ IN REALITY HE 'S AN EARL , AN ENGLISH ARISTOCRAT , A PEER OF THE REALM , A MEMBER OF THE RULING CLASS . $ NATURALLY , HE 'S COME TO BELIEVE THERE 'S ONLY ONE PERSON G RANDER THAN THAT - THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY HIMSELF . $ 10 < ( SUSPICIOUSLY ) > $ ARE YOU ENGLISH ? $ 10 NO . $ 05 AHHH ... $ < THEY EXIT . > $ #21 $ < SCENE FOUR > $ < SPOT ON THE EARL , STAGE CENTRE , REMAINS . > $ 09 < ( LOOKING AFTER THEM ) > $ Q.E.D. $ IF I SAW A MAN EATING GRASS I 'D SAY HE WAS HUNGRY . $ THEY 'D HAVE HIM CERTIFIED . $ THEY CLAIM SNOW IS ONLY PERCIPITATION AND NOT CANDIED DEW , AND THE SINGLE HEART-BEAT ONLY THE CONTRACTION AND DILATION OF THE CENTRAL ORGAN OF THE VASCULAR SYSTEM . $ WHROOM . $ < ( HE MAKES A CIRCULAR MOTION WITH HIS RIGHT HAND . ) > $ I 'M ALWAYS THINKING SO FAST . $ COULD A ROOSTER FORGET HE WAS A ROOSTER AND LAY AN EGG ? $ WHROOM . $ SPACE AND TIME ONLY EXIST WITHIN THE WALLS OF MY BRAIN . $ WHAT I 'M TRYING TO SAY IS , IF THE WORDS SOUND QUEER OR FUN NY TO YOUR EAR , A LITTLE BIT JUMBLED AND JIVY , SING MARES EAT OATS AND DOES EAT OATS AND LITTLE LAMBS EAT IVY . $ IVY ? $ WHO 'S IVY ? $ ... I ... $ < LIGHTS COME UP TO SHOW CLAIRE LISTENING ATTENTIVELY ON SOF A . > $ I AM THAT LORD JESUS COME AGAIN IN MY BODY TO SAVE THE SICK , THE TROUBLED , THE IGNORANT . $ I AM HE THAT LIVETH AND BEHOLD I AM ALIVE FOR EVERYONE . $ < ( OPENS HIS ARMS MIMICKING AMERICAN NIGHTCLUB ENTERTAINER TED LEWIS . ) > $ IS EVERYBODY HAPPY ? $ NOW HEAR THIS , I COME TO PROCLAIM THE NEW DISPENSATION . $ THE GOSPEL DISPENSATION PROMISED ONLY SALVATION FOR THE SOUL , MY NEW DISPENSATION OF LOVE GIVES IT TO THE BODY AS WELL . $ J. CHRIST MARK I SUFFERED TO REDEEM THE SPIRIT AND LEFT THE BODY SEPARATED FROM GOD , SO SATAN FOUND A PLACE IN MAN , AN D FORMED IN HIM A FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS , A FALSE LOVE , A LOV E OF SELF . $ EXPLODE ONLY FEEL , LOVE , AND SIN NO MORE . $ MOST EVERYTHING YOU SEE , TOUCH AND FEEL GLORIFIES MY LOVE . $ < ( MIMES PUTTING ON A HAT . ) > $ THE TOP HAT IS MY MITRE AND THE WALKING STICK MY ROD . $ < ( TWIRLS IMAGINARY STICK . ) > $ I 'M SORRY . $ I REALLY MUST APOLOGISE . $ ONCE I GET STARTED I FIND IT DAMNABLE DIFFICULT TO STOP . $ THEY DIAGNOSE IT AS ARBITRARY DISCHARGE FROM THE SPEECH CENT RE . $ #22 $ DIARRHOEA OF THE MOUTH . $ NOBODY ELSE GETS MUCH OF A LOOK-IN . $ 07 IT 'S FACSINATING . $ 09 IF THERE 'S ANYTHING YOU 'D LIKE ME TO EXPLAIN , FIRE AWA Y . $ 07 HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU 'RE ... GOD ? $ 09 SIMPLE . $ WHEN I PRAY TO HIM I FIND I 'M TALKING TO MYSELF . $ 07 I SEE . $ HOW DID IT HAPPEN ? $ HOW DID YOU COME TO BE IN THIS STATE ... OF GRACE ? $ 09 LIKE EVERY PROPHET I SAW VISIONS , HEARD VOICES . $ I RAN BUT THE VOICES OF ST FRANCIS , SOCRATES , GENERAL GORD ON , AND TIM O'LEARY THE JEWISH BUDDHA ALL TOLD ME I WAS GOD . $ PRETTY RELIABLE WITNESSES - AGREED ? $ IT WAS SUNDAY AUGUST 25TH AT 3.32 STANDARD BRITISH SUMMER TI ME . $ I HEARD WITH MY OUTWARD EAR A TERRIBLE THUNDER CLAP AND I SA W A GREAT BODY OF LIGHT LIKE THE LIGHT FROM THE SUN , AND RE D AS FIRE , IN THE FORM OF A DRUM . $ I CLAPPED MY HANDS AND CRIED AMEN ! $ HALLELUJAH ! $ HALLELUJAH ! $ AMEN ! $ I CRIED OUT , LORD WHAT WILL YOU DO ? $ BUT THE LIGHT VANISHED ... A BLACKNESS OF DARKNESS UNTIL A G REAT BRUSH DIPPED IN LIGHT SWEPT ACROSS THE SKY . $ AND I SAW THE DISTINCTION , DIVERSITY , VARIETY , ALL CLEARL Y ROLLED UP INTO THE UNITY OF UNIVERSAL LOVE . $ 07 WHERE DID ALL THIS HAPPEN ? $ 09 EAST ACTON . $ OUTSIDE THE PUBLIC URINAL . $ 07 WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE GOD ? $ 09 LIKE A RIVER FLOWING OVER EVERYTHING .$ I PICK UP A NEWSPAPER AND I 'M EVERYWHERE , CONDUCTING A SUM MIT CONFERENCE , DYING OF HUNGER IN A PERUVIAN GUTTER , ACCE PTING THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE , RAPING A NUN IN SUMAT RA . $ 07 YOU DON'T LOOK ANY DIFFERENT . $ 09 < ( STARTS TAKING OFF HIS MONK'S HABIT ) > $ WHEN A PARASITE CALLED THE SACCULINA ATTACKS THE COMMON SHOR E CRAB , IT BORES A TINY HOLE THROUGH THE CRAB'S PROTECTIVE OUTER SHELL . $ #23 $ ONCE IN THE BODY IT SPREADS LIKE A ROOT DEVOURING THE TISSUE S AND TURNING THE FLESH TO PULP . $ IT 'S NO LONGER CRAB'S FLESH BUT SACCULINA . $ THE CRAB IS TRANSFORMED , EVEN ITS SEX CHANGES . $ THE OUTER SHELL REMAINS UNALTERED , BUT INSIDE IS A NEW CREA TURE . $ < ( HE IS DRESSED UNDERNEATH IN A LOOSE-FITTING WHITE TROPIC AL SUIT AND ETON TIE : HIS HAIR CASCADES OVER HIS SHOULDER . ) > $ I WAS DEVOURED BY THE DIVINE SACCULINA , IT HOLLOWED ME OUT . $ UNDER THIS PROTECTIVE SHELL I 'M GOD-FILLED . $ < TUCKER STANDS IN THE DOORWAY UP STAGE CENTRE . $ SIR CHARLES , WITH A BRIEFCASE UNDER HIS ARM , COMES IN BEHI ND HIM . > $ 03 YOUR LORDSHIP , SIR ... $ < AS SIR CHARLES IMPATIENTLY BRUSHES PAST , TUCKER GRABS THE BOTTOM OF HIS JACKET AND JERKS HIM BACK . > $ 05 WHAT IN ... ? $ 03 I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET , SIR CHARLES . $ < ( CONTINUING UNRUFFLED . ) > $ YOUR LORDSHIP , SIR CHARLES GURNEY . $ < TUCKER STEPS ASIDE , LETS THE FURIOUS SIR CHARLES INTO THE ROOM , THEN EXITS . > $ 05 INSOLENT CLOWN ! $ 03 < ( REAPPEARING ) > $ I HEARD THAT , SIR . $ < HE DISAPPEARS AGAIN . > $ 05 THE WORLD 'S GONE MAD . $ HE 'LL HAVE TO GO . $ 07 HADN'T WE BETTER WAIT TILL THINGS GET SORTED OUT ? $ SOMEONE NEW MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION . $ 05 < ( OPENING HIS BRIEFCASE ON DESK ) > $ HOW COME HE 'S STILL HERE ANYWAY , WITH TWENTY THOUSAND IN T HE BANK ? $ WHY 'S HE HANGING ON ? $ 09 OUT OF LOVE . $ HE KNOWS HE 'S NEEDED . $ 05 < ( TAKING OUT A DOCUMENT ) > $ LOVE ? $ TUCKER ? $ ROT . $ NOW , M' BOY , CERTAIN MATTERS CONCERNING THE ESTATE NEED CL EARING UP . $ NOTHING IMPORTANT . $ JUST NEEDS YOUR SIGNATURE . $ GIVES ME POWER TO HANDLE ODD THINGS . $ 09 OF COURSE , UNCLE . $ < ( CROSSES TO HIM , PUTTING ON GLASSES . ) > $ #24 $ 05 < ( HASTILY ) > $ YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT . $ JUST TAKE MY WORD . $ 09 I TAKE YOUR WORD . $ I PUT ON MY GLASSES BECAUSE I FEEL COLD . $ NEED ONE OF DR JEAGERS' SANITARY WOOLLENS TO KEEP MY SOUL-DU FT IN . $ WHERE DO I SIGN ? $ 05 JUST THERE . $ < THE EARL SIGNS WITH A FLOURISH . $ SIR CHARLES GLANCES TRIUMPHANTLY AT CLAIRE . > $ EXCELLENT . $ EXCELLENT . $ EASILY DONE , EH ? $ < ( READS . ) > $ ' I THE UNDERSIGNED ... MYCROFT HOLMES ? $ WHO 'S MYCROFT HOLMES ? $ 03 < ( ENTERING CARRYING ROBES AND CORONET ) > $ BROTHER OF SHERLOCK HOLMES , ILLITERATE OAF ! $ 05 BUT YOUR NAME 'S JACK ! $ 09 < ( FIERCELY ) > $ NEVER CALL ME THAT ! $ < ( STROKES FOREHEAD . ) > $ JACK 'S A WORD I REJECT ABSOLUTELY . $ IT 'S A WORD I PUT INTO MY GALVANIZED PRESSURE-COOKER , WHRR ... $ 07 YOUR PRESSURE-COOKER ? $ 09 I DON'T MINCE WORDS . $ I PREFER THEM PARBOILED FRIED OR SCRAMBLED . $ JACK 'S DEAD ! $ IT 'S MY OLD SHELL-NAME - A SHAM NAME . $ 07 ALL RIGHT , WHAT SHOULD WE CALL YOU THEN ? $ 09 ANY OF THE NINE BILLION NAMES OF GOD . $ MY LORDSHIP WILL DO , OR J.C. ERIC , BERT , BARNEY ENTWISTLE . $ I DON'T NEED TO CLING TO ONE NAME . $ I KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM . $ 03 < ( INDICATING ROBES ) > $ YOU ASKED FOR THESE , MY LORD . $ 09 BURN 'EM , MR TUCKER . $ BURN 'EM . $ 05 WHAT ? $ GREAT SCOTT , MAN , THESE ARE YOUR CORONATION ROBES ! $ MARKS OF OUR ELEVATION . $ 03 LOT OF TRADITION HERE , YOUR LORDSHIP . $ 09 THE AXE MUST BE LAID TO THE ROOT . $ POMP AND RICHES , PRIDE AND PROPERTY WILL HAVE TO BE LOPPED OFF . $ ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS . $ LOVE MAKES ALL EQUAL . $ THE MIGHTY MUST BOW DOWN BEFORE THE PRICKS OF THE LOUSE-RIDD EN ROGUES . $ < ( SUDDENLY WARMLY EMBRACES SIR CHARLES . ) > $ I LOVE YOU DEARLY , UNCLE CHARLES . $ < ( GESTURES TO ROBES . ) > $ KEEP THEM IF YOU FEEL SO LOST . $ BUT SOON YOU WILL ABANDON EVERYTHING TO FOLLOW ME . $ #25 $ COME , MR TUCKER , JOIN ME IN A CONSTITUTIONAL BEFORE LUNCH . $ < TUCKER DUMPS THE ROBES AND THEY MOVE TO FRENCH-WINDOWS STA GE RIGHT . > $ ENJOY YOURSELF WHILST I 'M GONE . $ RELAX . $ HAVE SEX . $ < HE EXITS WITH TUCKER . $ CLAIRE AND SIR CHARLES LOOK AFTER HIM . > $ 05 < ( EXPLODING ) > $ MY GOD ! $ 09 < ( POPPING HIS HEAD BACK ) > $ YES ? $ 07 NO , NO . $ NOTHING . $ < THE EARL EXITS AGAIN . > $ WELL , YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID , CHARLES . $ 05 < ( TREMBLING WITH RAGE ) > $ I DID ... BOWING BEFORE ROGUES ... DESTROYING PROPERTY ... A LL MEN EQUAL ... $ < ( POINTING AFTER EARL . ) > $ MY GOD , CLAIRE , HE 'S NOT ONLY MAD , HE 'S BOLSHIE ! $ < LIGHTS DOWN . > $ #26 $ < SCENE FIVE > $ < SPOT UP IMMEDIATELY ON A METAL SUN LOWERED FROM FLIES , DO WN STAGE CENTRE , FOOTLIGHTS UP AS TUCKER AND THE EARL OF GU RNEY ENTER WINGS RIGHT . > $ 09 JUST SMELL THAT SOUL-DUFT FROM THE LAWNS AND HEDGEROWS . $ WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY I 'VE MADE . $ LOOK - SOFT THISTLE AND NIGELLA . $ < ( CROUCHES DOWN . ) > $ MY SWEET POETICS . $ < ( EAR TO IMAGINARY FLOWER . ) > $ WHAT ? $ NO WATER IN DAYS . $ I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO THINK OF EVERYTHING . $ I 'LL SEE TO IT . $ REMEMBER THE SUNDAY PICNICS HERE , MR TUCKER , IN MY OLD SHE LL-DAYS ? $ THE WORLD WAS ALL TOP HATS AND WHITE LACE . $ 03 < ( TAKING OUT A HIP-FLASK ) > $ AND THE BEST HEAVY SILVERWARE . $ A SNORT , YOUR LORDSHIP ? $ 09 NOT DURING YOM KIPPUR . $ 03 YOU MIND IF I PARTAKE ? $ 09 GO AHEAD . $ I 'M GOD-INTOXICATED . $ IF ONLY I KNEW THEN WHO I WAS NOW . $ < ( STRETCHING OUT HAND . ) > $ AH , MR GRASSHOPPER , OF COURSE I BLESS YOU , MY CHIRRUP , A LONG WITH GENERAL DE GAULLE . $ 03 < ( DRINKING ) > $ FIRST CHANCE I 'VE HAD OF SPEAKING TO YOU ALONE , YOUR LORDS HIP . $ BE ON GUARD , SIR . $ 09 < ( STRAIGHTENING UP ) > $ MR TUCKER , I 'M PUZZLED . $ 03 THE FAMILY . $ I 'VE SEEN 'EM AT WORK A'FORE . $ THEY GOT THE POWER AND THEY MADE THE RULES . $ THEY 'RE BACK THERE PLOTTING AGAINST YOU LIKE MAD . $ 09 LOVE CANNOT DOUBT NOR FAITH THE MUSTARD SEED , NO MORE PL OTTING , MR TUCKER , PLEASE . $ IT 'S NEGATIVISM . $ PLOTTING 'S A WORD I PUT INTO MY PRESSURE-COOKER , WHRRR . $ IT 'S GONE . $ FEELING PERSECUTED 'S ONE OF THE SIGNS OF PARANOID SCHIZOPHR ENIA . $ MANY POOR WRETCHES IN DR HERDER'S DANCING ACADEMY SUFFERED F ROM SAME . $ BUT I AM BEING WATCHED THEY SAID . $ #27 $ EVERYBODY IS AGAINST ME THEY CRIED . $ < ( SHAKES HIMSELF VIGOROUSLY . ) > $ YOU 'VE SET UP PROFOUND NEGATIVE DISTURBANCES WITH YOUR KREM LIN PLOTS , MR TUCKER , I 'M GOING IN . $ < ( TURNS ABRUPTLY AND WALKS UPSTAGE CENTRE . ) > $ RESIST IT , MR TUCKER , THAT WAY MADNESS LIES . $ < HE DISAPPEARS INTO THE DARKNESS . $ TUCKER LOOKS AFTER HIM , SWAYING SLIGHTLY . > $ 03 THAT 'S THE THANKS YOU GET . $ HE 'S THE SAME AS ALL THE REST , WHAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE SO JUST ISN'T SO . $ TRIED TO HELP , YOU STUPID OLD FOOL . $ NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE . $ MY TWENTY THOUSAND 'S SAFE - AND I DESERVE EVERY LAST PENNY OF IT , AND MORE , MORE , MORE ! $ WHY SHOULD I WORRY - VILLA IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE , AND A BI T O' GOLDEN CRUMPET EVERY DAY , BREAST AND BUTTOCKS DONE TO A TURN . $ < ( HE CACKLES . ) > $ JUST PACK A TOOTH-BRUSH AND A FRENCH LETTER AND YOU 'RE AWAY DANIEL TUCKER . $. WHAT 'S KEEPING YOU THEN , DAN ? $ YOU 'VE GOT THE SCRATCH . $ < ( DRINKS , GLOOMILY . ) > $ FEAR . $ BE HONEST NOW , DANIEL . $ FEAR AND HABIT . $ YOU GET INTO THE HABIT OF SERVING . $ BORN A SERVANT , SEE , SON OF A SERVANT . $ FAMILY OF SERVANTS . $ FROM A NATION OF SERVANTS . $ VERY FIRST THING AN ENGLISHMAN DOES , STRAIGHT FROM HIS MOTH ER'S WOMB IS TOUCH HIS FORELOCK . $ THAT 'S HOW THEY CAN TELL THE WRINKLED LITTLE BASTARD 'S ENG LISH . $ ME , THIS TIRED OLD CREEPING SERVANT , I 'M THE REAL ENGLAND , NOT BEEF-EATING JOHNNY BULLSHIT . $ I KNOW MY HISTORY . $ MASTERS AND SERVANTS , THAT 'S THE WAY OF IT . $ DIDN'T THINK I WAS LIKE THAT , EH ? $ A LOT YER DON'T KNOW ABOUT DANIEL TUCKER . $ JUST OLD FAITHFUL TUCKER . $ GIVE DOGGY BONEY . $ JUST 'ERE FOR COMIC RELIEF . $ KNOW WHO I REALLY AM ? $ < ( BECKONS CONFIDENTIALLY . ) > $ ALEXEI KRONSTADT . $ NUMBER 243 . $ ANARCHIST - TROTSKYIST - COMMUNIST - REVOLUTIONARY . $ I 'M A CELL ! $ ALL THESE YEARS I 'VE BEEN WORKING FOR THE REVOLUTION , SPIT TING IN THE HOT SOUP , PEEING ON THE WEDGWOOD DINNER PLATES . $ < ( COMING TO ATTENTION AND SINGING . ) > $ ' THEN RAISE THE SCARLET STANDARD HIGH ! $ WITHIN ITS SHADE WE 'LL LIVE OR DIE ; THO ' COWARDS FLINCH A ND TRAITORS SNEER , WE 'LL KEEP THE RED FLAG FLYING HERE . ' $ < SPOT OUT . $ HE EXITS . > $ #28 $ < SCENE SIX > $ < LIGHTS UP TO SHOW EARL OF GURNEY CRUCIFIED ON A WOODEN CRO SS , LEANING AGAINST THE FAR WALL TO THE RIGHT OF THE CENTRE DOORWAY . $ THE CROSS-BEAM IS ABOVE THE GALLERY . $ TUCKER IS STILL HEARD SINGING FAINTLY OFF . $ LIGHTS UP TO SHOW CLAIRE , BY THE SOFA , SMOKING NERVOUSLY A ND STARING UP AT THE EARL ON THE CROSS . > $ 07 J.C. ? $ ... BERT ? $ ... MY LORD ? $ ... BARNEY ENTWISTLE ? $ < STILL NO RESPONSE FROM THE EARL . $ TUCKER COMES IN UP STAGE , PUSHING A TEA-TROLLEY . $ HE CROSSES TO CLAIR , WINCING AT EVERY SOUND , OBVIOUSLY SUF FERING FROM A BAD HANGOVER . > $ 03 TEA , MADAM ? $ 07 OH , YES . $ WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SINGING JUST NOW , TUCKER ? $ 03 AN OLD GERMAN HYMN , MADAM - TANNENBAUM . $ LEMON OR MILK , MADAM ? $ 07 LEMON . $ < HE POURS SHAKILY AS A FLUSTERED DINSDALE ENTERS UP STAGE . > $ 06 I SAY , WHERE 'S THE GUV'NOR ? $ IS THAT TEA ? $ JUST THE JOB , TUCKER . $ 07 YOUR FATHER 'S IN TOWN . $ ANOTHER MEETING WITH SIR HUMPHREY SPENS TRYING TO FIND A WAY ROUND THIS MESS . $ 06 WHEN 'S HE BACK ? $ 07 ANY TIME NOW IF HE DOESN'T DROP IN ON HIS MISTRESS FIRST . $ < DINSDALE SHOOTS A SIDELONG GLANCE AT TUCKER , WHO IS TOO B USY POURING AND SHUDDERING WITH NAUSEA , TO REACT . > $ 06 AH , HMM . $ HOPE HE GETS THINGS SETTLED SOON . $ IT 'S ALREADY GETTING AWKWARD . $ THEY 'RE USED TO US GURNEYS BEING IN EVERYTHING . $ MRS PIGGOT-JONES AND MRS TREADWELL AND THE OTHER OLD GIRLS T HOUGHT IT 'D BE A SPLENDID IDEA FOR THE NEW EARL TO OPEN THE FETE , SUNDAY WEEK . $ #29 $ 07 NATURALLY YOU TOLD THEM IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE . $ 03 MILK OR LEMON , SIR ? $ 06 LEMON , TUCKER . $ BUT DAMMIT I AM PROSPECTIVE PARLIAMENTARY CANDIDATE FOR THE DIVISION . $ HAD TO WATCH MY STEP WITH 'EM . $ COULDN'T SAY HE WAS ' NON-COMPIS ' . $ 07 IF YOU 'RE GOING TO BE A SUCCESSFUL CONSERVATIVE POLITICI AN , YOU 'LL HAVE TO LEARN TO MAKE CONVINCING EXCUSES . $ 06 WHERE IS HE NOW ? $ < TUCKER HANDS HIM HIS TEA . > $ 07 < ( GESTURING BEHIND HIM ) > $ UP THERE . $ 06 < ( TURNING ) > $ OH ... $ AH ! $ < HE GIVES AN INVOLUNTARY CRY OF FRIGHT AT HIS FIRST SIGHT O F THE EARL ON THE CROSS AND SPILLS SOME TEA . > $ 03 < ( TETCHILY ) > $ NOW LOOK WHAT YOU 'VE DONE . $ < ( WIPES CARPET WITH FOOT . ) > $ NEVER GET TEA-STAINS OUT . $ SHOW SOME CONSIDERATION . $ 06 IS IT YOGI OR SOMETHING ? $ < TUCKER HAS WALKED UP STAGE TO THE CROSS . > $ 03 TEA , MY LORD ? $ 07 IT 'S NO GOOD , TUCKER , I 'VE TRIED . $ HE 'S ASLEEP ; DEAD TO THE WORLD . $ 09 HIS BODY SLEEPS BUT HIS DIVINITY IS ALWAYS WATCHING . $ YES , MR TUCKER . $ MILK PLEASE . $ ANY TOASTED MUFFINS ? $ 03 YES , SIR . $ SHALL I BRING THEM UP ? $ 09 NO THANKS . $ I 'LL BE RIGHT DOWN . $ < THE EARL TWISTS ROUND , AND CLAMBERS OFF THE CROSS . > $ 06 IT 'S YOGI , ISN'T IT ? $ A FORM OF YOGI ? $ 07 DON'T GIVE ME ANOTHER HEADACHE , DINSDALE . $ 09 < ( PUTS HIS HANDS TOGETHER , INDIAN STYLE ) > $ WELCOME , DINSDALE . $ 06 OH , AH , YES . $ HOW ARE YOU ? $ 09 SOMETIMES MY SPIRIT SINKS BELOW THE HIGH WATERMARK IN PAL ESTINE , BUT I 'M ADJUSTING GRADUALLY . $ #30 $ < TUCKER UNCOVERS A DISH OF MUFFINS AND SWAYS SLIGHTLY . > $ MR TUCKER , YOU LOOK ILL . $ BED , MR TUCKER . $ RIGHT NOW . $ 03 THANK YOU , MY LORD . $ 09 TAKE A CUP OF DR LANGLEY'S ROOT AND HERB BITTERS . $ IT ACTS DIRECTLY ON THE BOWELS AND BLOOD , ERADICATES ALL LI VER DISORDERS , DYSPEPSIA , DIZZINESS , HEARTBURN ... $ 03 < ( EXITING ) > $ YES , SIR . $ 09 < ( CALLING ) > $ ... FOUL STOMACH AND PILES . $ < TUCKER IS HEARD MUTTERING AGREEMENT OFF . > $ FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO RECEIVE MAY I MAKE MYSELF TRULY THANK FUL . $ < ( EATS MUFFIN . ) > $ I MUST SOON BE MOVING ON . $ SAIL TO WIGAN , WREXHAM , PORT SAID AND CREWE . $ < CLAIRE AND DINSDALE EXCHANGE UNEASY GLANCES . > $ FIRST I SHALL COMMAND THE POPE TO CONSECRATE A PLANELOAD OF LIGHT-WEIGHT CONTRACEPTIVES FOR THE PRIEST-RIDDEN IRISH . $ < ( MIMES BLESSING . ) > $ ' PAX ET BENEDICTIO ... ADJUTORIUM NOSTRUM . $ DOMINUS VOBISCUM ' . $ < ( CHANTING . ) > $ ARISE , SHINE FOR MY LIGHT IS COME AND THE GLORY OF THE LORD IS RISEN UPON THEE ... $ < ( SINGING WITH ACTIONS . ) > $ ' HERE IS THE DRAG , SEE HOW IT GOES ; DOWN ON THE HEELS ; U P ON THE TOES . $ THAT 'S THE WAY TO THE VARSITY DRAG . ' $ < ( HE DANCES ROUND IN EXUBERANT RAGTIME . ) > $ ' HOTTER THAN HOT , NEWER THAN NEW ! $ MEANER THAN MEAN , BLUER THAN BLUE . $ GETS AS MUCH APPLAUSE AS WAVING THE FLAG ! ' $ < TUCKER APPEARS IN DOORWAY UP STAGE CENTRE WITH TWO SOLID , MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN IN GROTESQUE HATS . $ CLAIRE GLARES ANGRILY AT A HORRIFIED DINSDALE . > $ 03 MRS PIGGOT-JONES - MRS TREADWELL . $ 09 < ( SINGING AT NEWCOMERS ) > $ ... ' YOU CAN PASS MANY A CLASS WHETHER YOU 'RE DUMB OR WISE . $ IF YOU ALL ANSWER THE CALL , WHEN YOUR PROFESSOR CRIES ... ' $ < SUDDENLY , DESPITE THEMSELVES , MRS PIGGOT-JONES , MRS TRE ADWELL AND TUCKER SWEEP IRRESISTIBLY DOWN STAGE WITH THE EAR L , IN AN ALL-SINGING , ALL-DANCING CHORUS LINE . > $ 09 11 12 03 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE HEELS , UP ON THE TOES , STAY AFTER SCHOOL , LEARN HOW IT GOES : EVERYBODY DO THE VARSITY ... $ #31 $ EVERYBODY DO THE VARSITY ... $ EVERYBODY DO THE VARSITY DRAG ! ' $ < THEY FINISH IN LINE DOWN STAGE , ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TO THE AUDIENCE , PUZZLED . > $ 09 < ( WITHOUT PAUSE ) > $ WELCOME , LADIES . $ I 'M THE NEW LORD . $ < MRS TREADWELL , A DUMPY WOMAN IN STRAW HAT DECORATED WITH WAX FRUIT , GIVES A DAZED SMILE , WHILST THE BONEY MRS PIGGO T-JONES , IN TWEEDS AND TRILBY , LETS OUT A BEWILDERED GRUNT . $ CLUTCHING HIS HEAD , TUCKER WEAVES HIS WAY OUT . > $ YOU KNOW LADY CLAIRE AND MY COUSIN DINSDALE ? $ 06 THIS IS A SURPRISE . $ DELIGHTFUL THOUGH , DELIGHTFUL . $ 11 < ( RECOVERING HER NATURAL OBSEQUIOUSNESS ) > $ DEAR MR DINSDALE , DO FORGIVE US , BUT WE 'VE COME TO TRY AN D PERSUADE HIS LORDSHIP TO OPEN OUR LITTLE CHRUCH FETE . $ DO SAY YES , MY LORD . $ 09 I ALWAYS SAY YES , YES , WHATEVER THE QUESTION . $ 11 < ( DELIGHTED ) > $ YOUR LORDSHIP . $ 12 SPLENDID ! $ 07 NOW LADIES , IF YOU 'LL EXCUSE US , WE HAVE A LOT TO DO . $ 09 STAY FOR TEA . $ < ( TO MRS TREADWELL . ) > $ YOU BE MOTHER . $ < GURGLES OF DELIGHT FROM THE TWO WOMEN . $ WHILST MRS TREADWELL POURS , DINSDALE LOOKS UNCERTAIN , AND CLAIRE WATCHES WITH INCREASING TENSION . > $ 07 < ( LOW ) > $ DINSDALE , SEE IF YOUR FATHER 'S COME BACK . $ < DINSDALE HURRIES OUT . > $ 09 NOW LADIES , TELL ME MY PART IN THIS GALA OPENING . $ DO I CHARM BRACELETS , SWING LEAD , BREAK WIND , PASS WATER ? $ 11 NO , YOU MAKE A SPEECH . $ 09 ON WHAT TEXT , MOTHER SUPERIOR ? $ 12 WE LEAVE THAT TO THE SPEAKER . $ IT CAN BE ANY TOPIC OF GENERAL INTEREST . $ HANGING , IMMIGRATION , THE STRANGLEHOLD OF THE UNIONS . $ ANYTHING ... $ #32 $ 11 SO LONG AS IT ISN'T POLITICAL . $ 09 NAT-UR-ALLY . $ 12 AS THE FETE IS IN AID OF THE BRITISH LEGION I 'VE ALWAYS FELT THE SPEECHES SHOULD BE SOMETHING ABOUT BRITAIN AND OUR WAY OF LIFE . $ 09 < ( OFF-HANDED ) > $ BRITAIN IS AN IMAGINARY ISLAND OFF THE CONTINENT OF EUROPE , COVERING 93,982 SQUARE MILES , WITH A POPULATION OF OVER 52 MILLION , LYING IN A WESTERLY WIND BELT . $ A FLY-BLOWN SPECK IN THE NORTH SEA , A COUNTRY OF COSMIC UNI MPORTANCE IN MY SIGHT . $ < ( SADLY AT THEM . ) > $ YOU CAN'T KICK THE NATIVES IN THE BACK STREETS OF CALCUTTA A NY MORE . $ 11 < ( GIGGLING ) > $ HE 'S JOKING AGAIN . $ AREN'T YOU , MY LORD ? $ 12 I AM NOT LAUGHING , PAMELA . $ I 'M AFRAID WE CAN'T STAY HERE , LADY CLAIRE . $ 07 THEN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE , GO ! $ 09 PLEASE DON'T GO FOR MY SAKE . $ < ( CASUALLY TAKES A BUNCH OF IMITATION WAX GRAPES FROM MRS TREADWELL'S HAT AND STARTS EATING THEM . ) > $ HMM , DELICIOUS . $ HOME-GROWN ? $ 11 NO , I BOUGHT THEM , I MEAN ... $ 09 I 'VE DECIDED TO BEGIN MY SECOND MINISTRY AT YOUR GATHERI NG . $ LAST TIME I PREACHED THE WORD IN HOLY GALILEE I SPOKE IN PAR ABLES . $ MISTAKE . $ NOW I MUST SPEAK PLAIN . $ < ( CROSSES HANDS ON CHEST . ) > $ GOD IS LOVE . $ 11 < ( FRIGHTENED ) > $ LOVE ? $ 09 GOD IS LOVE AS WATER IS WET AS JADE IS GREEN AS BREAD IS LIFE SO GOD IS LOVE . $ < MRS TREADWELL AND MRS PIGGOT JONES BEGIN TO BACK TOWARDS T HE DOOR UP STAGE CENTRE . $ DINSDALE IS HEARD CALLING OFF BEYOND THE FRENCH WINDOWS . > $ 09 < ( ADVANCING AFTER THEM ) > $ MRS PAMELA TREADWELL , CAN YOU LOVE ? $ CAN YOUR BLOOD BUBBLE , FLESH MELT , THINGS TWITCH , HEART B URST FOR LOVE ? $ 11 YOUR LORDSHIP , I 'M A MARRIED WOMAN . $ 09 SEXUAL PERVERSION IS NO SIN . $ #33 $ 06 < ( VOICE OFF ) > $ I SAY , HAVE YOU SEEN MY FATHER ? $ 09 < ( ADVANCING ) > $ REMEMBER THE COMMANDMENT I GAVE YOU , LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS I LOVED YOU . $ 12 < ( RETREATING ) > $ STAY BACK ! $ MY HUSBAND IS A MASTER OF HOUNDS ! $ 09 FILL YOUR HEARTS , LET YOUR EYES SPARKLE , YOUR SOUL DANC E . $ BE BIRD-HAPPY ! $ 12 11 AHH ! $ < THEIR NERVE BREAKS . $ THEY TURN AND PLUNGE FOR THE DOOR , BUT ARE FROZEN IN MID-FL IGHT AS THEY SEE THE CROSS FOR THE FIRST TIME . > $ 12 WHAT IS IT ? $ 09 A WATUSI WALKING-STICK ! $ BIG PEOPLE THE WATUSIS . $ LISTEN , LADIES . $ < BUT WITH CRIES OF FEAR THE TWO WOMEN RUSH UP STAGE CENTRE . $ SIR CHARLES APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY AND IS FLATTENED BY THEM AS THEY CHARGE OUT INTO THE PASSAGE , FOLLOWED BY THE EARL , WHO IS HEARD CALLING . > $ 09 < ( VOICE OFF ) > $ DON'T BE FRIGHTENED . $ HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD . $ 05 < ( PICKING HIMSELF UP ) > $ TREADWELL ... $ PIGGOT ... $ WHAT THE BLAZES ARE THEY DOING HERE ? $ GREAT SCOTT , WHO 'S THE IDIOT RESPONSIBLE ? $ 06 < ( VOICE OFF ) > $ I SAY , I SAY , HAVE YOU SEEN MY FATHER ? $ < CLAIRE GESTURES EXPRESSIVELY . > $ 05 OH . $ DINSDALE . $ 07 YOU 'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT BOY . $ 05 HE 'LL SOON BE OFF OUR HANDS . $ OLD BARRINGTON-CHOCHRAN'S ON HIS LAST LEGS . $ THAT MEANS A BY-ELECTION . $ 07 DINSDALE 'S SUCH A FOOL . $ 05 ONE TIME THOUGHT OF BRINGING HIM INTO THE BUSINESS , BUT IT 'S TOO RISKY . $ CAN'T HAVE DINSDALE MESSING ABOUT WITH MONEY . $ HE 'S PROVED DISAPPOINTING . $ < DINSDALE RE-ENTERS . > $ 06 OH , THERE YOU ARE . $ #34 $ 07 WHAT DID SIR HUMPHREY SAY ? $ 05 GAVE ME A LOT O' EXPENSIVE LEGAL FAL-DE-ROLL . $ AS IT STANDS , THERE 'S NO CHANCE OF BREAKING THE WILL . $ ONLY ONE POSSIBLE SOLUTION . $ A MALE HEIR . $ 07 A WHAT ? $ 05 IF JACK HAD A SON , SIR HUMPHREY SAYS WE COULD HAVE HIM C ERTIFIED QUIETLY , BECAUSE EVERYTHING COULD THEN PASS TO THE HEIR . $ WE 'D ADMINISTER THE ESTATE TILL THE BOY CAME OF AGE . $ THAT WAY EVERYTHING 'D REMAIN IN THE FAMILY . $ 07 < ( SARCASTICALLY ) > $ OH , BRILLIANT . $ A SMALL POINT , BUT BEFORE HE CAN HAVE AN HEIR , OUR LUNATIC NEPHEW HAS TO BE MARRIED . $ 05 EXACTLY . $ AND THE SOONER THE BETTER ! $ < ( THE EARL ENTERS UP STAGE CENTRE PLAYING A FLUTE . > $ 09 MARRIED ? $ 05 YES , J.C. , YOU SHOULD TAKE A WIFE . $ 09 WHO FROM ? $ 07 I 'M SURE WE 'LL BE ABLE TO FIND YOU A SUITABLE YOUNG GOD DESS . $ 05 MOST APPROPRIATE , EH-EH ? $ < THEY CHUCKLE TO THEMSELVES . $ 09 BUT I CAN'T MARRY A SECOND TIME . $ < THEY IMMEDIATELY STOP CHUCKLING . > $ 05 A SECOND ... $ 07 < ( SCEPTICALLY ) > $ SECOND WIFE ? $ YOU BELIEVE YOU 'RE ALREADY MARRIED ? $ 09 ON AUGUST 28TH IN THE YEAR OF ME , 1961 . $ < SIR CHARLES LOOKS ACROSS DOUBTFULLY AT CLAIRE WHO SHAKES H ER HEAD . > $ SOMERSET HOUSE RECORDS WILL CONFIRM . $ FATHER WANTED IT KEPT SECRET FOR SOME REASON . $ < HE WALKS AWAY TO WINGS RIGHT PLAYING THE ' DRINKING SONG ' FROM ' LA TRAVIATA ' ON THE FLUTE . $ 05 THIS WIFE OF YOURS ? $ WHAT 'S HER NAME ? $ 09 MARGUERITE GAUTIER . $ 05 FRENCH . $ #35 $ 06 < ( SLOWLY ) > $ MARGUERITE GAUTIER ? $ ... GAUTIER ? $ ... I SAY , ISN'T THAT THE ' LADY OF THE CAMELIAS ' ? $ 09 YOU KNOW HER TOO ? $ WONDERFUL ! $ < HE EXITS PLAYING THE ARIA . $ DINSDALE AND SIR CHARLES EXCHANGE LOOKS AND RUSH AFTER HIM . $ BLACKOUT . > $ #36 $ < SCENE SEVEN > $ < SPOT UP ON WHITE SCREEN LOWERED DOWN STAGE LEFT TO SHOW CL AIRE AND DR HERDER TALKING . > $ 10 OF COURSE THERE 'S NO QUESTION OF MARRIAGE . $ HE HAS NO WIFE , BUT HE BELIEVES HE HAS , WHICH IS THE SAME THING . $ 07 WHY DID HE PICK ON MARGUERITE GAUTIER ? $ 10 ANOTHER MARTYR FOR LOVE . $ HIS DELUSIONS ARE OF A PIECE . $ MARGUERITE IS THE ONLY PERSON HE TRUSTS . $ 07 WHY DOES HE KEEP ON ABOUT LOVE ? $ 10 BECAUSE HE HASN'T HAD ANY . $ OR WASN'T SHOWN ANY , WHICH IS JUST AS BAD . $ HE WANTS US ALL TO LOVE GOODNESS . $ TO LOVE GOODNESS IS TO LOVE GOD , TO LOVE GOD IS TO LOVE THE 14TH EARL OF GURNEY . $ 07 THAT 'S VERY CLEVER . $ IS IT THE TRUTH ? $ LADY CLAIRE , DON'T COME TO ME FOR THE TRUTH , ONLY EXPLANAT IONS . $ 07 DOES ANY OF HIS TALK MEAN ANYTHING ? $ 10 TO HIM , YES . $ YOUR NEPHEW SUFFERS FROM THE DELUSION THAT THE WORLD WE LIVE IN IS BASED ON THE FACT THAT GOD IS LOVE . $ 07 CAN'T HE SEE WHAT THE WORLD 'S REALLY LIKE ? $ 10 NO . $ BUT HE WILL , WHEN HE 'S CURED . $ 07 CAN I ASK ONE MORE QUESTION ? $ 10 IF IT 'S AS REVEALING AS THE OTHERS . $ 07 WHY DOES HE HATE BEING CALLED JACK ? $ 10 BECAUSE IT 'S HIS REAL NAME . $ NATURALLY HE REJECTS IT VIOLENTLY . $ IF HE EVER ANSWERS TO THE NAME OF ACK , HE 'LL BE ON THE ROA D TO SANITY . $ 07 HOW ARE MY QUESTIONS REVEALING ? $ 10 THE FIRST ONE YOU ASKED ME WAS ABOUT LOVE . $ #37 $ < WHITE SCREEN TAKEN UP AND LIGHTS UP AS THEY MOVE INTO THE DRAWING-ROOM OF GURNEY MANOR WHERE TUCKER IS POURING DRINKS . > $ 07 THIS IS OUR OWN TUCKER , DR HERDER . $ HE 'S BEEN WITH THE FAMILY FOR OVER FORTY YEARS . $ 03 MAN AND SNIVELLING BOY , SIR . $ 10 REALLY . $ HOW DO YOU FIND THE NEW EARL , TUCKER ? $ 03 BY SNIFFING . $ HE 'S A GURNEY , SIR . $ A REAL GURNEY . $ 10 < ( PUZZLED ) > $ YOU DON'T FIND HIM ODD ? $ 03 ODD ? $ SODA , SIR ? $ 10 PLEASE . $ YES , ODD . $ PECULIAR . $ 03 OH , YOU MEAN NUTTY . $ YES , HE 'S A NUT-CASE ALL RIGHT , BUT THEN SO ARE MOST OF T HESE TITLED FLEA-BAGS . $ RICH NOBS AND PRIVILEGED ARSE-HOLES CAN AFFORD TO BE BONKERS . $ LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD , AREN'T THEY , SIR ? $ DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME O' DAY IT IS . $ LIFE 'S MADE TOO EASY FOR 'EM . $ DON'T HAVE TO EARN A LIVING SO THEY CAN DO JUST WHAT THEY WA NT TO . $ MOST OF US 'D LOOK PRETTY CRACKED IF WE WENT ROUND DOING JUS T WHAT WE WANTED TO , EH , SIR ? $ 10 < ( BEWILDERED ) > $ YES , I SUPPOSE ... $ 07 < ( SMILING ) > $ THE LATE EARL LEFT TUCKER TWENTY THOUSAND POUNDS . $ SINCE THEN HE 'S BEEN VERY OUTSPOKEN . $ < TUCKER HANDS A DRINK TO DR HERDER AND ANOTHER TO CLAIRE . > $ 07 NOT FOR ME , TUCKER . $ 03 WASTE NOT WANT NOT . $ < ( HE DRINKS . ) > $ DOCTOR , YOU MIGHT TAKE A LOOK AT MY BACK . $ THE OL' LUMBAGO 'S ACTING UP AGAIN . $ < SIR CHARLES AND DINSDALE ENTER ARGUING WITH THE EARL OF GU RNEY . > $ 06 < ( GESTURING WITH THE BOOK ) > $ BUT I 'VE SHOWN YOU IT 'S IN HERE . $ THE LADY OF THE CAMELIAS BY ALEXANDRE DUMAS . $ CAMILLE . $ THE OPERA BY VERDI LA TRAVIATA . $ SAME WOMAN . $ A FIGURE OF ROMANCE . $ 09 MY DEAR CHAP , YOU PROVE MY POINT IPSO FACTO , A DIVINE F IGURE OF ROMANCE . $ #38 $ PAUL , WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE . $ 10 HOW ARE YOU ? $ 09 IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEBATE ON THE EXISTENCE OF MY WIFE MAR GUERITE . $ WITH PASSIONS ROUSED AND INTELLECTS SHARPENED , PRAY CONTINU E , DINSDALE GURNEY . $ 05 I GIVE UP . $ YOU DID SAY IT 'D BE IMPOSSIBLE TO CONVINCE HIM , DOCTOR . $ 10 IMPOSSIBLE . $ BUT YOU CAN TRY . $ < CLAIRE TAKES THE BOOK FROM DINSDALE , OPENS IT AND SHOWS I T TO THE EARL . > $ 07 LOOK . $ IT 'S A PLAY , THE LADY OF THE CAMELIAS . $ FICTION . $ 09 < ( TAKING BOOK ) > $ AH , YES , A BIOGRAPHY OF MY MARGUERITE - AFFECTIONATELY KNO WN AS LA DAME AUX CAMELIAS . $ < ( STERNLY . ) > $ DINSDALE , THIS BOOK LOOKS TIRED FROM OVER-READING . $ YOU SHOULD LET IT OUT MORE . $ 07 YOU AREN'T MARRIED . $ THE WOMAN DOESN'T EXIST . $ 09 COME , COME , YOU EXAGGERATE UNDULY . $ < ( MAKES CIRCULAR MOVEMENT WITH RIGHT HAND . ) > $$ YOU 'LL BE SAYING I 'M NOT GOD , JESUS , AND THE HOLY GHOST NEXT . $ 07 YOU 'RE NOT ! $ GOD WOULDN'T BE SO RIDICULOUS WAVING HIS ARMS LIKE A MANIAC DRESSED IN A WHITE SUIT AND CARNATION . $ 09 THE PROPHET EZEKIEL LAY THREE HUNDRED DAYS ON HIS LEFT SI DE AND FORTY DAYS ON HIS RIGHT . $ HE CUT HIS HAIR AND DIVIDED IT INTO THREE PARTS . $ THE FIRST PART HE BURNT , THE SECOND HE CHOPPED INTO PIECES , THE THIRD HE SCATTERED INTO THE WIND . $ RIDICULOUS , MAD , CERTIFIABLE . $ IT WAS ALL MERELY A SIGN OF SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT . $ GOD TEACHES BY SIGNS AS WELL AS WORDS . $ 10 < ( WITH SATISFACTION ) > $ HE CAN DEFEND HIS BELIEFS WITH GREAT SKILL . $ 06 ALL RIGHT , IF YOU 'RE GOD , REVEAL YOUR GODHEAD . $ < THE EARL IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO UNZIP HIS FLIES . > $ NO , NO . $ A MIRACLE . $ SHOW US A MIRACLE . $ 09 A MIRACLE . $ < ( HOLDS OUT HIS HAND . ) > $ HERE 'S A MIRACLE . $ #39 $ 06 WHERE ? $ 09 THIS HAND . $ THIS CITY NETWORK OF TISSUES , NERVES , MUSCLES , LIGAMENTS , CARPALS , METACARPALS AND PHALANGES . $ AND WHAT ABOUT THE HAIRY-NOSED WOMBAT ? $ 06 NOT THAT SORT . $ A MIRACLE LIKE THE MAKING OF LOAVES AND FISHES . $ 09 OH , THOSE . $ YOU SEE TEN BILLION MILLION MIRACLES A DAY , YET YOU WANT YO UR CONJURING TRICKS , YOUR PRETTY FLIM-FLAMS , FROM YOUR INC ENSE BURNERS . $ I CAN'T RAISE LAZARUS AGAIN , HE 'S DECOMPOSED , SO BRING ME THAT TABLE . $ 07 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ? $ 09 A GRADE-ONE GALILEE MIRACLE . $ < CLAIRE STARTS TO SAY SOMETHING BUT DR HERDER GESTURES . $ HE NODS TO DINSDALE , WHO DRAGS THE COFFEE TABLE TO STAGE CE NTRE , AND STEPS BACK UNCERTAINLY . $ THEY ARE ALL ROUGHLY GROUPED BEHIND IT . > $ 09 INSTEAD OF RAISING LAZ , I 'LL RAISE YON TABLE . $ 05 THAT TABLE ? $ 09 TEN FEET . $ NOT BY MIRRORS OR CRIPPLED MIDGETS BEHIND BLACK CURTAINS , B UT BY THE POWER OF LOVE . $ 07 JUST LOVE ? $ 09 IT MOVES MOUNTAINS , AND MAKES THE PUNY WEED SPLIT THE RO CK . $ LOOK . $ < ALL EYES NOW SCEPTICALLY ON THE TABLE . $ THE EARL STRETCHES OUT HIS HANDS , PALMS UPWARDS . $ AS HE SLOWLY STARTS TO RAISE THEM , LIGHTS IMPERCEPTIBLY BEG IN TO DIM . > $ BELIEVE IN ME , IN LOVE , IN LOVING GOODNESS , RAISE YOURSEL F UP ... $ RISE , UP , UP . $ SEE , SEE ... SLOWLY , SLOWLY . $ ONE FOOT , TWO FEET , THREE , FOUR ... SLOWLY UP ... FIVE , SIX , SEVEN ... RISE , RISE UP ... $ EIGHT , NINE , TEN . $ < ( HIS ARMS ARE NOW ABOVE HIS HEAD . ) > $ THERE ! $ THE TABLE FLOATS TEN FEET IN SPACE . $ 03 < ( POINTING UP EXCITEDLY ) > $ AHHH ! $ LOOK , I SEE IT ! $ UP THERE ! $ < ( HE LURCHES FORWARD , GRASPING A HALF-EMPTY WHISKY DECANT ER . ) > $ SH-MIRACLE , SH-MIRACLE , HALLELUJA SH-MIRACLE . $ PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS T' AMMUNITION . $ 05 DRUNKEN LOUT ! $ #40 $ < TUCKER COLLAPSES IN A STUPOR IN A CHAIR . $ THE SPELL IS BROKEN . $ CLAIRE CROSSES ANGRILY TO THE TABLE . > $ 07 IT DIDN'T RISE . $ < ( RAPS IT . ) > $ HERE IT IS . $ 09 < ( MAKING CIRCLE WITH HAND ) > $ TUCKER SAW , BELIEVED , YEEES . $ 07 DID YOU SEE IT , DOCTOR ? $ 10 NO . $ 05 'COURSE NOT . $ DAMNED ROT . $ 09 < ( SHAKES HIS HEAD ) > $ INTO ANY PLATINUM PRESSURE-COOKER , GRRH GRRHH SHURHH ... $ 07 THERE 'S NO MIRACLE . $ NO WIFE . $ SHE DOESN'T EXIST . $ SHE 'S FICTION . $ PART OF A PLAY . $ AN OPERA . $ SHE 'S NOT FLESH AND BLOOD . $ NOT REAL . $ 09 < ( FLAPPING HANDS , DISTURBED ) > $ GROSS GREE CRULL CRAAAH ... $ 10 SHHH . $ LISTEN . $ < FROM THE CORRIDOR BEYOND THE DARKENED ROOM COMES THE SOUND OF A WOMAN SINGING . $ ' GO DIAM FIE-GA-CA-E-RA-PI-DO-E IL GAN DIO DELL 'A-MO-RE .. . ' $ IT GROWS LOUDER . $ WE CAN HEAR THE RUSTLE OF CRINOLINE . $ THEY TURN TOWARDS THE DOORWAY . $ UP STAGE CENTRE : $ THE LADY OF THE CAMELIAS STANDS THERE , IN A SPOT , CARRYING A CAMELIA AND SINGING THE 'DRINKING SONG ' FROM ' LA TRAVIA TA ' . > $ 13 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' EUN FIOR CHE NA-SCE E MUO-RE , NE , PIU SI PUV GO-DER-GO-D IAM C-IN-VI-TA , C'IN-VI-TAUN , FERVI DO AE-CEN-TO-LA-SIN-GH EER ... ' $ 09 MARGUERITE ! $ < BLACKOUT . > $ #41 $ < SCENE EIGHT > $ < LIGHTS UP ON THE DRAWING ROOM OF GURNEY MANOR WHERE CLAIRE AND SIR CHARLES ARE ARGUING WITH MEASURED FEROCITY . > $ 07 HOW DARE YOU BRING THAT WOMAN HERE ? $ 05 YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO MISS SHELLEY . $ 07 GRACE SHELLEY IS YOUR MISTRESS . $ HAIRS ON THE COLLAR , STAINS ON THE SHEETS , I KNOW YOU . $ 05 AND I KNOW YOU . $ MISS SHELLEY 'S JUST A HARDWORKING GIRL . $ 07 ONLY ON HER BACK . $ FIRST YOU TRY AND PALM HER OFF ON TO YOUR OWN BROTHER . $ 05 RALPH NEEDED A WIFE . $ HE TOOK A FANCY TO MISS SHELLEY . $ 07 THAT DIDN'T WORK , SO NOW YOU TRY HER FOR THE SON . $ IT 'S INCESTUOUS . $ 05 DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT INCEST . $ I REMEMBER YOUNG JEREMY GORE . $ YOU KNEW HIS FATHER AND I WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER . $ BUT YOU WENT AHEAD AND SEDUCED HIS SON . $ THAT 'S INCEST , MADAM . $ 07 < ( WEARILY ) > $ WHAT 'S THE USE ? $ IT ISN'T WORTH RAISING ONE'S VOICE . $ BUT WHY THE DEVIL DIDN'T YOU WARN US ? $ 05 NO TIME . $ AFTER WHAT THAT ' TRICK-CYCLIST ' CHAPPIE TOLD ME I KNEW WE 'D NEVER CONVINCE JACK HE WASN'T MARRIED AND THIS MARGUERITE FILLY DIDN'T EXIST . $ SO I 'PHONED GRACE AND EXPLAINED THE POSITION . $ SHE GOT DRESSED UP IN SOME THEATRICAL TOGS AND CAME DOWN . $ PUT ME ON A FIRST-RATE SHOW , I THOUGHT . $ 07 IT HAD IMPACT . $ 05 ANYWAY , JACK BELIEVES SHE 'S MARGUERITE . $ ALL SHE HAS TO DO NOW IS CONVINCE HIM HE HAS TO MARRY HER AG AIN . $ #42 $ SHOULDN'T BE DIFFICULT . $ 07 DR HERDER 'LL OBJECT . $ 05 OBJECT ? $ HE 'S GOT NO RIGHT TO OBJECT TO ANYTHING , HE 'S NOT FAMILY . $ 07 HE COULD MAKE THINGS DIFFICULT BY HAVING JACK DECLARED IN SANE BEFORE HE 'S PRODUCED AN HEIR FOR YOU . $ 05 DAMN KRAUT ! $ YOU 'D BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON HIM , MY DEAR . $ I 'LL HAVE MY HANDS FULL GETTING GRACE MARRIED AND PREGNANT . $ < ( GRACE SHELLEY COMES IN UP STAGE CENTRE , A BLONDE , STIL L DRESSED IN A LOW-CUT BALL GOWN , SHE GESTURES WITH THE CAM ELIA . > $ 13 WHAT AN ENTRANCE . $ BEAUTIFUL , BUT BEAUTIFUL . $ THE LOOK ON YOUR FACES . $ I SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO THE CLASSICS . $ I WAS TRAINED FOR IT Y' KNOW - MRS PHOEBE GIAVANNO , 27A BRI XTON HILL . $ SHE SANG WITH CARUSO . $ GRAND OLD LADY . $ ' FROM THE DIAPHRAGM DEAR , FROM THE DIAPHRAGM . ' $ ALWAYS SAID I HAD THE VOICE . $ LET 'S FACE IT , BERT BACHARACH IS GREAT BUT HE 'S NOT IN TH E SAME CLASS AS GIUSEPPE VERDI . $ PHEW , THIS DRESS 'S TIGHT . $ HOW DID THEY BREATHE ? $ I FEEL CONSTIPATED . $ < ( NOTICES CROSS BY THE DOOR FOR THE FIRST TIME . ) > $ CHRISTY O'CONNOR , WHAT 'S THAT ? $ IS THE ROOF FALLING IN OR SOMETHING ? $ 07 ANY MINUTE NOW . $ < ( MOVING UP STAGE . ) > $ YOUR FLOWER 'S WILTING , MY DEAR . $ 13 < ( WAVING IT CHEERFULLY ) > $ CAN'T BE . $ IT 'S WAX . $ 07 CAREFUL YOUR HUSBAND-TO-BE DOESN'T EAT IT FOR BREAFAST . $ < SHE EXITS . > $ 13 YOU 'RE RIGHT , CHARLIE BOY . $ SHE 'S AN ICE-COLD BIDDY . $ 05 TOO CLEVER BY HALF , THAT WOMAN . $ BUT I GET THINGS DONE MY WAY . $ SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS . $ 13 BUT I DO , CHARLIE BOY . $ LADY GRACE , LADY GRACE GURNEY , THE COUNTESS OF GURNEY . $ 05 NOW LOOK HERE , GRACE , YOU MUSTN'T CALL ME CHARLIE BOY . $ WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL . $ #43 $ 13 IF THAT 'S WHAT YOU WANT . $ 05 IT 'S NOT WHAT I WANT . $ IT 'S WHAT HAS TO BE . $ I 'M VERY FOND OF YOU , M' DEAR , YOU KNOW THAT . $ 13 YOU 'VE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT . $ FIRST YOU PUSH ME INTO THE ARMS OF YOUR HALF-DEAD HALF-BROTH ER , AND THEN ON TO HIS LOONEY SON . $ 05 I 'D MAKE ANY SACRIFICE FOR THE SAKE OF THE FAMILY . $ YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE THE SITUATION ? $ TRICKY AN' ALL , MARRYING A MAN WHO THINKS HE 'S GOD . $ 13 IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME . $ < ( CROSSING TO FRENCH WINDOWS . ) > $ ON CERTAIN NIGHTS . $ IN FRONT OF THE RIGHT AUDIENCE . $ WHEN THE MAGIC WORKS . $ I 'VE KNOWN WHAT IT 'S LIKE TO BE A GOD TOO . $ < ( SEES SOMEONE OUTSIDE . ) > $ AH , THERE HE IS ON THE LAWN . $ LET 'S GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD . $ DAMN , WHERE 'S MY LOUSY CAMELIA . $ < ( SIR CHARLES HANDS IT TO HER , SHE HITCHES UP HER DRESS . ) > $ I 'LL BE GLAD TO GET OUT OF THIS CLOBBER . $ < ( PATS BARE BOSOM . ) > $ NO WONDER SHE WAS DYING OF CONSUMPTION . $ < ( COUGHS HOARSELY . ) > $ 05 CAREFUL NOW . $ 13 TRUST ME , CHARLIE B ... CHARLES . $ I 'VE GOT TOO MUCH AT STAKE TO BLOW IT . $ < HOLDING THE CAMELIA MODESTLY ACROSS HER CHEST , AND SMILIN G WANLY , SHE GLIDES OUT . $ SIR CHARLES LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE . > $ 05 DAMNED PLUCKY FILLY . $ < DINSDALE ENTERS UP STAGE CENTRE . > $ 06 I SAY , MOTHER 'S JUST TOLD ME THIS LADY-OF-THE-CAMELIA-W OMAN 'S A FAKE . $ I KNOW J.C. 'S AS BATTY AS A MOOR-HEN , SIR , BUT THIS ISN'T PLAYING THE GAME . $ 05 GAME ? $ WHAT GAME ? $ IT 'S NO GAME , SIR ! $ THIS IS REAL . $ < BLACKOUT . > $ #44 $ < SCENE NINE > $ < FOOTLIGHTS UP IMMEDIATELY . $ A METAL SUN LOWERED FROM FLIES . $ THE EARL LYING DOWN STAGE RIGHT , ROUSES HIMSELF AS GRACE EN TERS WINGS LEFT . > $ 09 MY DREAMS MADE FLESH OR A REASONABLE FACSIMILE THEREFORET O . $ < ( GETS UP , BOWS POLITELY . ) > $ EH - BIEN , COMMENT ALLEZ-VOUS , MADAME ? $ 13 SORRY , I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH . $ 09 GERMAN ? $ ITALIAN ? $ ALBANIAN ? $ YIDDISH ? $ 13 NO . $ ENGLISH . $ 09 ENGLISH . $ WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE ? $ NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF , HARD LANGUAGE TO MASTER . $ BUT WE CAN'T PLAY THIS LOVE-SCENE WITH MERE WORDS , BE THEY ENGLISH , JAPANESE OR SERBO-CROAT . $ 13 LOVE SCENE ? $ WHAT NOW ? $ 09 LOVE ISN'T JUST FOR ONE SEASON . $ < ( SMILES , FLAPPING ARMS LIKE A BIRD . ) > $ HWEET , HWEEP . $ 13 HWEET ? $ 09 < ( ARMS QUIVERING ) > $ TSIFF-TSIFF-TSIFF . $ < ( HOPPING . ) > $ CHIFF-CHAFF-CHAFF-CHAFF . $ 13 < ( LAUGHING ) > $ OH , WELL . $ < ( FLAPS ARMS . ) > $ CHIFF-CHAFF . $ < THEY CIRCLE ROUND EACH OTHER WITH TINY BIRD MOVEMENTS ; GR ACE BENDING FORWARD AND HOPPING , THE EARL BOBBING HIS HEAD AND MAKING LOW LOPING SWEEPS . > $ 09 < ( LONG DRAWN-OUT , HIGH-PITCHED ) > $ PIOO ... PIOO ... PIOO . $ 13 CUCKOO ! $ 09 < ( CRESCENDO ) > $ PIOO . $ 13 < ( BREATHLESS ) > $ I 'LL BET EVEN LUDOVIC KOCH WASN'T MADE LOVE TO WITH BIRD CR IES . $ #45 $ 09 WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU LIKE ? $ THE GRAND CANYON ? $ A MUSICAL TEACUP ? $ A HUNDRED PRE-SOLD HOLY WAFERS ? $ A DISUSED BANANA FACTORY ? $ ABSOLUTION ? $ 13 A WHITE WEDDING . $ 09 WILL NEXT TUESDAY SUIT YOU ? $ 13 YOU DESERVE A BIG KISS . $ 09 NOT HERE IN THE GARDEN . $ LAST TIME I WAS KISSED IN A GARDEN - IT TURNED OUT RATHER AW KWARD . $ 13 AH , BUT JUDAS WAS A MAN . $ 09 < ( NODDING ) > $ HMM , YES , A STRANGE BUSINESS . $ < ( GRACE LAUGHS . ) > $ WHO ARE YOU ? $ 13 A WOMAN . $ 09 DESCENDED FROM EVE . $ 13 NO , A DOORSTEP . $ I 'M AN ORPHAN . $ 09 THEN WE 'LL BE ORPHANS TOGETHER , MARGUERITE . $ 13 CALL ME GRACE , AS I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH . $ 09 A GOOD NAME . $ IT MEANS A GIFT OF FAITH . $ 13 WHICH IS WHAT I HAVE IN YOU . $ I 'M HOLDING YOU TO THAT WEDDING . $ 09 HOLD HARD . $ YOU 'LL BE MY QUEEN OF QUEENS . $ 13 I 'LL BE SATISFIED WITH LADY GURNEY . $ 09 < ( TAKES HER HANDS ) > $ AND I SAY UNTO YOU , THOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD THY GOD WITH A LL THY HEART AND WITH ALL THY SOUL AND WITH ALL THY MIND . $ 13 I DO . $ 09 I WANT TO SHOW YOU THE BOTTOM DRAWER OF MY SOUL . $ < ( SUDDENLY JOYFUL . ) > $ OH , BUT I 'M HAPPY , I 'M THE SUNSHINE-MAN , THE DRIVER OF THE GRAVY-TRAIN , CHU-CHU-CHU . $ < ( GRACE LAUGHS . ) > $ IT 'S ALL SO SIMPLE , FOR ME . $ PARADISE IS JUST A SMILING FACE . $ WHAT 'S IT FOR YOU ? $ 13 ME ? $ PARADISE ? $ OH , A FIREPLACE . $ A COSY ROOM . $ 09 < ( NODDING ) > $ A LITTLE NEST ... $ < HAND IN HAND THEY GO INTO A DANCE ROUTINE TO WINGS RIGHT . > $ 13 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' THAT NESTLES WHERE THE ROSES BLOOM . ' $ #46 $ 09 < ( SINGING ; INDICATING PARTNER ) > $ ' SWEET GRACEY AND ME ... ' $ 13 < ( SINGING : LOOKING AT HIM ) > $ ' AND A BABY MAKES THREE . ' $ 09 13 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' WE 'RE GOING TO OUR BLUE HEAVEN . ' $ < GRACE KISSES HIM , EXITS WINGS RIGHT . $ THE EARL TAKES OUT A POCKET TELESCOPE , OPENS IT OUT AND STA RES AFTER HER AS DINSDALE ENTERS SULKILY . > $ 06 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ? $ 09 < ( HANDING HIM TELESCOPE ) > $ BEAUTY IN MOTION . $ 06 < ( LOOKING ) > $ I CAN'T SEE A THING . $ 09 BECAUSE YOU 'RE NOT LOOKING WITH THE EYES OF LOVE . $ 06 < ( COMING TO A DECISION ) > $ HANG IT ALL , WHATEVER ELSE YOU ARE , YOU 'RE STILL A GURNEY . $ THAT CAMELIA WOMAN 'S REALLY GRACE SHELLEY . $ CLOSE FRIEND OF MY FATHER'S . $ HE 'S PUT HER UP TO IT . $ < THE EARL STOPS HUMMING . > $ GOT HER TO DRESS LIKE THAT . $ ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS . $ < THE EARL SHIVERS WITH COLD . > $ HE WANTS YOU MARRIED OFF . $ < THE EARL PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS FACE ; WHEN HE TAKES IT AWAY HIS FEATURES ARE COVERED WITH WHITE MAKE-UP . > $ MOTHER 'S IN IT TOO . $ SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF EVEN OLD TUCK KNEW . $ EVERYBODY BUT ME . $ 09 < ( SHRINKING MISERABLY ) > $ STOP ! $ YOU 'RE MAKING ME A CRIPPLED DWARF , A DEFORMED MIDGET , A C RIPPLED NEWT ! $ 06 < ( SEES THE EARL WITH BENT KNEES , NOW HALF-SIZE ) > $ WHAT 'RE YOU DOING ? $ < STAGE LIGHTS UP . > $ 09 IT 'S YOUR NEGATIVE INSINUENDO . $ 06 INSINUENDO ? $ 09 < ( MAKING CIRCLE WITH RIGHT HAND ) > $ INSINUENDO IS INSINUATION TOWARDS INNUENDO , BROUGHT ON BY I NCREASED NEGATIVISM OUT OF A NEGATIVE REACTION TO YOUR FATHE R'S POSITIVISM . $ #47 $ < ( TAKES OUT GLASSES , BREAKS THEM , PUTS HALF FRAME OVER O NE EYE , PEERS UP AT DINSDALE . ) > $ YOUR NEGATIVISM IS FULLY CHARGED . $ I SEE BY THE HABEAS CORPUS PARCHMENT ROUND YOUR NECK . $ 06 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEVIL YOU 'RE ON ABOUT , BUT I RESE NT YOUR ATTITUDE . $ I ONLY TOLD YOU ABOUT GRACE SHELLEY ... $ 09 < ( TEARING OFF HIS JACKET AND SHIRT ) > $ SHE 'S MY RIGHTEOUS-IDEAL-PLANNED-WIFE . $ DON'T FORGET , BESIDES BEING GOD , CHRIST AND THE HOLY GHOST , I 'M ALSO A SAN D. , B.F.C. AND D.A.C.- DOCTOR OF SANITAT ION , BACHELOR OF FAMILY LIFE , AND DOCTOR OF AIR CONDITIONI NG . $ PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU 'RE DEALING WITH THE BIG ONE . $ I 'VE TOLD AGED TUCKER . $ INJECTING ME WITH HIS KREMLIN-PLOT NEGATIVE-MICROBES . $ I SAID VERBATIM . $ FEELING PERSECUTED IS PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA-WRETCHES . $ DR. H. SUFFERED FROM IT . $ BUT WATCHED THEY SAID AGAINST ME ... ONE OF THE SIGNS . $ MANY POOR 'ERDERS' DANCING ACADEMY . $ I AM BEING EVERYBODY THEY CRIED ... WHRR ! RR ! ... RRR ! $ KRR-KRR-KREK ! $ < HE SCUTTLES ABSURDLY UP STAGE AND CLAMBERS ON TO THE CROSS . $ ON THE BACK OF HIS VEST ARE PAINTED THE WORDS ' GOD IS LOVE ' . $ DINSDALE EXITS AS THE EARL CLINGS TO THE CROSS , HIS PAINFUL , METALLIC CRIES GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER . $ THE LIGHTS DIM DOWN . $ THE CRIES STOP ABRUPTLY . > $ #48 $ < SCENE TEN > $ < LIGHTS UP AS BISHOP LAMPTON AND SIR CHARLES ENTER UP STAGE CENTRE GLANCING WITH DISTASTE AT THE EARL , STRETCHED OUT O N THE CROSS . > $ 04 I WILL NOT SOLEMNIZE ANY MARRIAGE , EVEN OF MY OWN NEPHEW , DURING THE PERIOD FROM ADVENT SUNDAY TILL EIGHT DAYS AFTE R EPIPHANY . $ SO IT MUST BE ON TUESDAY THE 12TH. $ EIGHT A.M. $ PRIVATE CHAPEL . $ ORDINARY LICENCE . $ BUT I HAVE GRAVE MISGIVINGS , CHARLES . $ GRAVE MISGIVINGS . $ 05 MISGIVINGS ? $ ABOUT JACK ? $ 04 NO , ABOUT THE BRIDE , MISS SHELLEY . $ WHO IS SHE ? $ WHAT IS SHE ? $ I FEAR SHE MAY BE USING THIS MARRIAGE MERELY TO ADVANCE HER SOCIAL POSITION . $ I HEAR SHE 'S AN ' ENTERTAINER ' . $ 05 I 'LL VOUCH FOR GRACE SHELLEY . $ 04 NO DOUBT . $ I HEAR SHE 'S A MOST HANDSOME WOMAN . $ I VENTURE YOU 'VE BEEN DAZZLED BY HER CHARMS . $ ' A WOMAN WHOSE HEART IS SNARES AND NETS . ' $ I , HOWEVER , DUE TO MY CLOTH - AND AGE - CAN TAKE A MORE DI SPASSIONATE VIEW OF HER CHARACTER AND MOTIVES . $ 05 DASH IT ALL , BERTIE , YOU KNOW THE POSITION . $ WE CAN'T BE FUSSY . $ GRACE - MISS SHELLEY - IS THE BEST WE CAN COME UP WITH . $ THIS IS A CRISIS . $ 04 EVEN SO , WE SHOULDN'T BE TOO HASTY . $ GOD IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM HAS CLOUDED OUR NEPHEW'S SENSES . $ BUT IT CAN ONLY BE TEMPORARY . $ I TAKE IT AS A SURE SIGN OF HOPE THAT HIS DELUSIONS ARE AT L EAST OF A RELIGIOUS NATURE . $ CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS MIS-MATING , CHARLES . $ WHEN HE RECOVERS , HE 'LL FIND HIMSELF MARRIED TO A WOMAN WH O IS FRANKLY NOT SUITABLE . $ AND HE WILL RECOVER . $ GOD IS MERCIFUL . $ #49 $ 05 CAN'T WAIT ON GOD'S MERCY , BERTIE , EVERYTHING 'S GOING TO POT . $ DR HERDER AGREES . $ 04 DR HERDER ? $ ' HERDER ' ? $ IS HE ENGLISH ? $ 05 NO . $ 04 AHH ... $ 05 MARK MY WORDS , THIS 'LL BE THE MAKING OF JACK . $ 04 < ( SAGELY ) > $ IT 'S TRUE , THERE 'S NOTHING LIKE MARRIAGE TO BRING A FELLA ' TO HIS SENSES . $ < THEY EXIT UP STAGE AS SPOT UP DOWN STAGE LEFT ON DR HERDER AND CLAIRE STANDING IN FRONT OF A WHITE BACKING LOWERED FRO M THE FLIES . $ A COUCH TO LEFT . > $ 07 MY HUSBAND 'S AN IDIOT . $ 10 < ( ICILY ) > $ I 'VE NO IDEA WHAT HE 'S PLAYING AT , AND IT 'S NOT STRICTLY MY CONCERN . $ THE EARL 'S NO LONGER UNDER MY CARE . $ BUT THAT CHARADE WITH MISS SHELLEY MADE ME FEEL AN ABSOLUTE FOOL , AND I DON'T CARE TO UNDERESTIMATE MYSELF . $ 07 I APOLOGISE . $ CHARLES HAS SOME IDEA JACK MIGHT ACCEPT HER IF SHE DRESSED U P AS THE LADY OF THE CAMELIAS . $ 10 SOMETIMES IT 'S VERY EASY TO FORGET THAT OUTSIDE THIS COM EDY SIR CHARLES OCCUPIES A POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY AND PO WER . $ I JUST LEARNED HE 'S ON THE BOARD OF THE GUGGENHEIM RESEARCH FOUNDATION . $ EXTRAORDINARY . $ 07 AH , YES , HE MENTIONED YOU WERE ASKING FOR A GRANT . $ YOU WON'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE . $ 10 IT 'S ONLY A NOMINAL 130,000. $ FOR THE STUDY OF PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC RATS . $$ 07 < ( SITTING ON COUCH ) > $ SOUNDS FASCINATING . $ 10 I SHOULD HAVE SAID ELECTRICALLY CONTROLLED PARANOID RATS . $ 07 ELECTRICALLY ? $ 10 WE INSERT VERY FINE SILVER WIRES INTO THE RAT'S MID-BRAIN . $ THE RAT'S BEHAVIOUR IS CONTROLLED BY THE STRENGTH OF THE CUR RENT PASSED THROUGH THEM . $ BY PRESSING A BUTTON AND STIMULATING ONE AREA IN ITS MID-BRA IN , THE RAT IS MADE TO FEEL THREATENED . $ IT ATTACKS ANY RAT IN SIGHT . $ THERE 'S REALLY NO THREAT , BUT THE MID-BRAIN CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE . $ #50 $ ROUGHLY THE SAME THING HAPPENS WITH A HUMAN PARANOID . $ NO SILVER WIRES , BUT AN UNKNOWN AREA OF HIS BRAIN IS STIMUL ATED , AND HE FEELS THREATENED WITHOUT CAUSE . $ NATURALLY , MEN AREN'T RATS . $ 07 ONLY A MAN WOULD SAY SO . $ 10 < ( SMILING ) > $ I 'M SPEAKING BIOLOGICALLY . $ EVENTUALLY WE 'LL HAVE TO CONDUCT SIMILAR EXPERIMENTS ON THE HUMAN BRAIN . $ 07 TODAY RATS . $ TOMORROW THE WORLD . $ WHO WILL YOU WIRE FOR VISIONS ? $ 10 FIRST OF ALL MYSELF , NATURALLY . $ 07 < ( TAKING OFF GLOVE ) > $ I SEE . $ THEN IF I PRESS A BUTTON , YOU 'D LIMP FOR ME , FEEL FEAR AN D LOVE ... $ 10 LOVE ? $ NO . $ DESIRE , YES . $ 07 BY PRESSING A BUTTON ? $ < ( RAISES FINGER AND MIMES PRESSING . ) > $ 10 < ( COVERS HER HAND ) > $ NOT TOO HARD . $ I MIGHT GET OVERSTIMULATED AND LOSE CONTROL . $ 07 YOU , LOSE CONTROL ? $ THINK OF THE RISK , DOCTOR . $ 10 THERE 'S ONLY ONE COMMANDMENT A DOCTOR NEED EVER WORRY AB OUT . $ ' THOU SHALT NOT ADVERTISE . ' $ < DR HERDER KISSES CLAIRE'S HAND . $ SPOT OUT . > $ #51 $ < SCENE ELEVEN > $ < LIGHTS UP . $ THE EARL STOPS JERKING ON THE CROSS . > $ 09 MY HEART RISES WITH THE SUN . $ I 'M PURGED OF DOUBTS AND NEGATIVE INNUENDOS . $ TODAY I WANT TO BLESS EVERYTHING ! $ BLESS THE CRAWFISH THAT HAS A SCUTTLING WALK , BLESS THE TRO UT , THE PILCHARD AND PERIWINKLE . $ BLESS TED SMOOTHEY OF 22 EAST HACKNEY ROAD - WITH A NAME LIK E THAT HE NEEDS BLESSING . $ BLESS THE MEALY-REDPOLE , THE BLACK-GLOVED WALLABY AND W.C. FIELDS , WHO 'S DEAD BUT LIVES ON . $ BLESS THE SKUNK , BLESS THE RED-BELLIED LEMUR , BLESS ' JUDO ' AL HAYES AND SKI-HI-LEE . $ BLESS THE SNOTTY-NOSED GIRAFFE , BLESS THE BUFFALO , BLESS T HE SOCIETY OF WOMEN ENGINEERS , BLESS THE WILD YAK , BLESS T HE PICCADILLY MATCH KING , BLESS THE PYGMY HIPPO , BLESS THE WEASEL , BLESS THE MIGHTY COCKROACH , BLESS ME . $ TODAY 'S MY WEDDING DAY ! $ < WEDDING BELLS PEAL OUT . > $ #52 $ < SCENE TWELVE > $ < SCREEN LOWERED IMMEDIATELY DOWN STAGE CENTRE , CUTTING OUT THE CROSS FROM VIEW . $ ON IT , A PHOTO-COLLAGE OF SOCIETY WEDDINGS . $ BISHOP LAMPTON ENTERS IMPOSINGLY , WINGS RIGHT , IN FULL REG ALIA , FOLLOWED BY CLAIRE AND DINSDALE . $ TUCKER HOBBLES IN FROM WINGS LEFT . $ THEY CROSS SLOWLY DOWN STAGE CENTRE . $ WITH CLAIRE AND DINSDALE ON HIS RIGHT , AND TUCKER ON HIS LE FT . $ LAMPTON TURNS AND FACES THE AUDIENCE . $ THE BELLS STOP RINGING . $ AN ORGAN PLAYS ' THE WEDDING MARCH ' AS GRACE IN A WHITE WED DING DRESS AND AN APPREHENSIVE SIR CHARLES ENTER WINGS RIGHT . $ THEY ALL WAIT FOR THE GROOM . $ THE EARL SCAMPERS IN WINGS RIGHT IN A CUT-AWAY JACKET , NO S HIRT AND BROKEN GLASSES AND FLUTE HANGING FROM HIS CHEST . $ BISHOP LAMPTON SHUDDERS . > $ 04 < ( READING FROM PRAYER BOOK ) > $ ' DEARLY BELOVED , WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER HERE IN THE SIGH T OF GOD ... ' $ < THE EARL CLAPS HIS HANDS ABOVE HIS HEAD AND SHAKES THEM TR IUMPHANTLY . > $ ' ... AND IN THE FACE OF THIS COMPANY TO JOIN TOGETHER THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN IN HOLY MATRIMONY , WHICH IS AN HONOURABL E ESTATE . ' $ 09 INSTITUTED BY ME IN THE TIME OF MAN'S , INNOCENCE . $ < GRACE PUTS HER FINGERS TO HIS LIPS . > $ 04 < ( LOOKING UP WARNINGLY ) > $ ' THEREFORE IF ANYONE CAN SHOW JUST CAUSE WHY THEY MAY NOT B E LAWFULLY JOINED TOGETHER , LET HIM NOW SPEAK , OR ELSE HER EAFTER FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE . ' $ < CLAIRE , DINSDALE AND SIR CHARLES STARE DELIBERATELY AT TH E AUDIENCE . $ SILENCE . > $ #53 $ 03 LOAD O' BRITISH JELLY-MEAT WHISKERS ! $ STAND UP ON YOUR TEA-SOAKED HAUNCHES AND STOP IT . $ PIDDLING , HALF-DEAD HELOTS . $ 05 QUIET , MAN . $ SHOW SOME RESPECT . $ 03 < ( INDIGNANTLY ) > $ I 'M ALWAYS RESPECTFUL . $ S' WHAT I 'M PAID FOR . $ NO ONE CAN SAY I 'M NOT RESPECTFUL . $ < ( REMOVES HIS FALSE TEETH . ) > $ THERE . $ 04 ' I REQUIRE AND CHARGE YOU BOTH THAT IF EITHER OF YOU HAV E ANY IMPEDIMENT WHY YE MAY NOT BE LAWFULLY JOINED TOGETHER IN MATRIMONY YE DO NOW CONFESS IT . ' $ 09 < ( QUIETLY ) > $ YES , I 'M AFRAID I DO KNOW AN IMPEDIMENT . $ < HIS FAMILY GLANCE ANXIOUSLY AT EACH OTHER . $ 07 IT 'S ONLY A RHETORICAL QUESTION , LIKE ALL THE OTHERS IN THE WEDDING SERVICE . $ 09 'TIS NO GOOD GLOSSING O'ER THE FACTS . $ CERTAIN R.C. KNACKERS THINK I 'M ALREADY MARRIED TO THE VIRG IN MARY . $ 05 WE 'RE NOT CONCERNED WITH WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK . $ 04 ESPECIALLY NOT ROMAN CATHOLICS . $ ' WILT THOU HAVE THIS WOMAN TO THY WEDDED WIFE , TO LIVE TOG ETHER AFTER GOD'S ORDINANCE IN THE HOLY STATE OF MATRIMONY ? $ WILT THOU LOVE HER ... ' $ 09 FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL TO THE TIP OF MY PENIS , LIKE THE SUN IN ITS BRIGHTNESS , THE MOON IN ITS BEAUTY , THE HEA VENS IN THEIR EMPTINESS , STREAMS IN THEIR GENTLENESS , NO B REEZE STIRS THAT DOESN'T BEAR MY LOVE . $ 04 BLASPHEMOUS ... ! $ 13 BUT WILL YOU LOVE ME ? $ 09 I WILL . $ 04 < ( QUICKLY , TO GRACE ) > $ ' WILT THOU HAVE THIS MAN TO THY WEDDED HUSBAND , TO LIVE TO GETHER AFTER GOD'S ORDINANCE . ' $ 13 I WILL . $ 04 WHO GIVES THIS WOMAN TO THIS MAN ? $ 05 I DO . $ #54 $ 04 < ( TO EARL ) > $ REPEAT AFTER ME . $ I , J.C. , TAKE THEE GRACE SHELLEY TO MY WEDDED WIFE .. $ 09 I , J.C. THE HOLY FLYING ROLLER , THE MORNING STAR , KNOW N TO HIS INTIMATES AS THE NAZ , TAKE THEE MARGUERITE , CALLE D GRACE SHELLEY BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T SPEAK FRENCH . $ < BISHOP LAMPTON SHUDDERS AND PLUNGES ON . > $ 04 < ( TO GRACE ) > $ REPEAT AFTER ME . $ 13 I KNOW THE LINES . $ I , GRACE SHELLEY , TAKE THEE J.C. TO MY WEDDED HUSBAND TO H AVE AND TO HOLD FROM THIS DAY FORWARD , FOR BETTER FOR WORSE , FOR RICHER FOR POORER , IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH , TO LO VE AND TO CHERISH TILL DEATH DO US PART , ACCORDING TO GOD'S HOLY ORDINANCE AND THERETO I GIVE THEE MY TROTH . $ < SIR CHARLES STEPS FORWARD WITH THE RING AND HURRIEDLY PUTS IT ON GRACE'S FINGER . > $ 04 < ( WITH INCREASING SPEED ) > $ ' FOR AS MUCH AS THESE TWO PERSONS HAVE CONSENTED TOGETHER I N HOLY WEDLOCK , I PRONOUNCE THAT THEY BE MAN AND WIFE TOGET HER . $ IN-THE-NAME-OF-THE-FATHER-AND-OF-THE-SON-AND-OF-THE-HOLY-GHO ST-WHOM-GOD-HATH-JOINED-TOGETHER-LET-NO-MAN-PUT-ASUNDER ... ' $ < ( ONE LAST EFFORT . ) > $ LORD HAVE MERCY UPON US ! $ 25 CHRIST HAVE MERCY UPON US . $ 04 LORD HAVE MERCY UPON US ! $ < BISHOP LAMPTON SINKS TO THE FLOOR EXHAUSTED , BUT DINSDALE AND SIR CHARLES JERK HIM UP AS THE BELLS PEAL AND THE ORGAN BOOMS . > $ #55 $ < SCENE THIRTEEN > $ < BELLS AND ORGAN FADE DOWN . $ THE SCREEN IS TAKEN UP TO SHOW A SMALL BUFFET HAS BEEN LAID OUT - DRINKS , SANDWICHES , AND A WEDDING CAKE . $ THE EARL PICKS UP GRACE AND CARRIES HER LAUGHING INTO THE DR AWING-ROOM . > $ 06 < ( TO BISHOP LAMPTON ) > $ FRANKLY , I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE A JOLLY SIGHT WORSE . $ 04 < ( BEING HELPED OUT OF HIS VESTMENTS BY TUCKER ) > $ WORSE ? $ HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN WORSE ? $ WHEN THAT WOMAN ENTERED IN WHITE I KNEW . $ < ( SHUDDERS . ) > $ AN ACTRESS , MARRIED IN WHITE , WHITE . $ 13 HILDEGARDE ! $ THIS IS A BIT TATTY . $ NO RECEPTION , NO GUESTS , A FEW CURLED SANDWICHES AND A DEF ORMED WEDDING CAKE . $ WILLIAM HICKEY WON'T GIVE US A MENTION . $ 03 IT 'S NOT MY FAULT , YOUR LADYSHIP . $ 13 ' YOUR LADYSHIP . ' $ < ( BRIGHTENING . ) > $ THAT 'S BETTER . $ NOW WATCH 'EM CREEP AND CRAWL AT HARRODS . $ < BISHOP LAMPTON SLUMPS DOWN ON A CHAIR WHILST THE EARL HAND S SIR CHARLES AND DINSDALE PAPER HATS AND COLOURED BALLOONS . $ THEY PUT ON THE HATS . > $ 05 < ( TO GRACE ) > $ WE THOUGHT YOU 'D PREFER A QUIET AFFAIR . $ 07 IT 'S LIKE A WET MONDAY IN WARRINGTON . $ WHAT ABOUT A TOAST TO THE NEWLY-WEDS OR SOMETHING ? $ LET 'S TRY AND KEEP IT A BIT TRAD . $ 05 OH , VERY WELL . $ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - TO THE LONG LIFE , PROSPERITY AND HAP PINESS OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM . $ < THEY DRINK . > $ 09 < ( PICKING UP KNIFE ) > $ THANK YOU , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN , IN REPLY I NAME THIS SHIP ' LOVING KINDNESS ' . $ #56 $ MAY I KEEP HER AND ALL WHO SAIL IN HER . $ < ( CUTS WEDDING CAKE . ) > $ 03 AH , YOUR LADYSHIP , YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LATE EARL'S WEDDING . $ OVER FIVE HUNDRED GUESTS . $ THE CREME DE MENTHE . $ WASTRELS ALL ! $ LORDS OF CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION . $ < SIR CHARLES HAS TAKEN GRACE ASIDE . > $ 05 < ( LOW ) > $ CAN'T SAY I FANCY THE IDEA OF YOU ALONE WITH HIM . $ 13 < ( LOW , ANGRY ) > $ EVERYTHING 'S STILL YOURS , EVEN IF YOU 'VE GIVEN IT AWAY . $ 09 GOOD . $ LET 'S HAVE A MINUTE'S SILENCE . $ 07 WHAT FOR ? $ 09 FOR ALL THE DEAD BOOKS OF WORLD WAR I . $ FOR MR MOTO , THE CISCO KID AND ME . $ MUFFLE THE DRUMS , BEAT THE RETREAT . $ QUIET , SSHH , SILENCE ... $ < THE SUDDEN SILENCE IS PHYSICAL . $ EVEN AFTER ONLY A FEW SECONDS THE TENSION GROWS . $ THE STRAIN IS TOO MUCH . $ ALL BURST OUT AT ONCE - > $ 25 ' WHY THE DEVIL ... ' $ ' I SAY ... ' $ ' HELL ... ! ' $ 09 < ( SADLY . ) > $ TERRIBLE , ISN'T IT ? $ THAT 'S WHY I HAVE TO TALK , SING , DANCE . $ 13 < ( GLANCING AT SIR CHARLES ) > $ AND MAKE LOVE ? $ 03 < ( SINGING IN HOARSE CROAK ) > $ ' OH , HOW WE DANCED ON THE NIGHT WE WERE WED ... ' $ < WHILE HE CAVORTS AROUND , GRACE TAKES THE EARL'S ARM AND T HEY SLIP AWAY UP STAGE CENTRE . > $ ' WE PLEDGED OUR TRUE LOVE AND A WORD WASN'T SAID . ' $ MY MOTHER LOVED THAT SONG . $ MAMMY ! $ MAMMY ! $ YOU WEIGHED TWENTY STONE BUT YOU WERE MY LITTLE MAMMY . $ 05 TUCKER ! $ 03 I 'M SORRY , SIR . $ I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WISH ME TO LIVEN UP THIS WAKE . $ 05 < ( NOTICING BRIDE AND GROOM ARE MISSING ) > $ WHERE HAVE THEY GONE ? $ 07 UPSTAIRS . $ 06 MUST SAY I WOULDN'T MUCH LIKE TO BE IN HER SHOES TONIGHT . $ #57 $ 03 NOT HER SHOES HE 'LL BE IN , MASTER DINSDALE , SIR . $ 04 < ( SHUDDERING ) > $ WHITE ... $ 05 < ( ANGRILY ) > $ YOU NEVER STOP TALKING , BERTIE . $ ALL OF YOU SNEERING , SNIGGERING . $ < ( LIGHTS DIM DOWN . ) > $ WE 'VE GOT TO PULL TOGETHER IN THIS . $ FAMILIES LIKE OURS SET THE TONE . $ DOESN'T HELP POKING AND PRYING INTO PERSONAL LIVES . $ THE STRENGTH OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE LIES IN THEIR INHIBITIONS . $ WHAT ARE THEY DOING UP THERE ? $ < ( HE NOW STANDS IN SINGLE SPOT DOWN STAGE LEFT , STILL WEA RING A PAPER HAT WITH A TINY BELL AT THE END . ) > $ YOU GO TO ANY FOREIGN COUNTRY AND SEE THE DIFFERENCE . $ THERE 'S ALWAYS SOME SCRUFFY CHAPPIE ON A STREET CORNER WHO WANTS TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HIS LOVE LIFE , AND SELL YOU A S TRIP OF DIRTY POSTCARDS . $ WHAT ARE THEY DOING UP THERE ? $ SACRIFICES MUST BE MADE . $ NOTHING MORE TO BE SAID . $ < ( LOOKS UP . ) > $ WHAT ... ARE ... THEY ... DOING ... UP ... THERE ? $ < SPOT OUT . > $ #58 $ < SCENE FOURTEEN > $ < SPOT UP IMMEDIATELY ON THE FOUR-POSTER BED AND CHAIR . $ GRACE IS STRIPPING TO MUSIC PLAYED SOFTLY OVER . $ HER MOVEMENTS ARE PROVOCATIVE , BUT UTTERLY UNSELFCONSCIOUS . $ STEPPING OUT OF HER WEDDING DRESS , GRACE BENDS TO PICK IT U P . $ SHE DRAPES IT OVER THE CHAIR . > $ 13 I ALWAYS GET FIRST NIGHT NERVES . $ ANY GOOD PERFORMER DOES . $ YOU HAVE TO BE KEYED UP TO GIVE A GOOD SHOW . $ I 'VE DONE IT ALL , FROM STANISLAVSKI TO STRIP . $ NEVER THINK I ONCE WORKED AS A STRIPPER , WOULD YOU ? $ IT 'S TRUE , AS GOD IS MY WITNESS - NO , YOU WEREN'T THERE , WERE YOU , J.C. ? $ GREASY MAKE-UP TOWELS , CRACKED MIRRORS , RHINESTONES AND BE ADS . $ WHAT A WORLD . $ < ( TAKES OFF STOCKING AND THROWS IT ABSENTLY INTO AUDIENCE . ) > $ I SANG ' THIS CAN'T BE LOVE ' . $ FUNNY , I DID THE SAME ACT LATER AT THE ' PIGALLE ' FOR TWIC E THE MONEY WITHOUT REMOVING A STITCH . $ < ( PROUDLY . ) > $ OF COURSE , SOME WOMEN CAN STRIP WITHOUT TAKING THEIR CLOTHE S OFF . $ < ( SHE SITS ON A CHAIR AND TAKES OFF OTHER STOCKING . ) > $ NOBODY COULD CALL ME UNDERSEXED , BUT I COULD NEVER GET WORK ED UP WATCHING SOME MAN STRIP DOWN TO HIS SUSPENDERS AND JOC KSTRAP . $ WHERE 'S THE FUN ? $ I SUPPOSE SOME PEOPLE JUST ENJOY THE SMELL OF A STEAK BETTER THAN THE STEAK ITSELF . $ < ( THROWS STOCKING INTO AUDIENCE . ) > $ IF MY MOTHER COULD SEE ME NOW - IT 'S WHAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED FOR ME - THE BIG TIME . $ SHE NEVER FORGAVE DAD FOR BEING BORN IN CLAPHAM . $ GUESS SHE FOUND IT HARD TO SETTLE DOWN TO CIVILIAN LIFE AFTE R BEING IN A TOURING COMPANY OF CHU CHIN CHOW . $ NOBODY NEED WORRY ABOUT ME FITTING IN . $ < ( WALKS MOMENTARILY INTO DARKNESS , LEFT . ) > $ ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PLAY IT COOL . $ < ( REAPPEARS INTO SPOT , IN BLACK NIGHTDRESS , MIMING DRINK ING TEA WITH FINGER COCKED UP . ) > $ I CAN COCK MY LITTLE FINGER WITH THE BEST . $ < ( CALLS WINGS RIGHT . ) > $ WHAT YOU DOING IN THERE , HONEY ? $ #59 $ < SHE STARES AS THE EARL ENTERS UNSTEADILY FROM WINGS RIGHT , IN WHITE PYJAMAS AND RIDING A ONE-WHEEL BICYCLE . > $ IT 'S RIDICULOUS ! $ IT 'S NOT DIGNIFIED ! $ 09 < ( WOBBLING ) > $ DIGNITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DIVINITY . $ 13 < ( SUDDEN PANIC ) > $ NOT HERE ! $ NOT NOW ! $ A BIKE ? $ YOU 'RE MAD . $ 09 DON'T BE FRIGHTENED . $ 13 < ( RECOVERING ) > $ I 'M NOT FRIGHTENED . $ BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE MY HUSBAND RIDING A ONE-WHEEL BIK E ON HIS WEDDING NIGHT . $ 09 IT 'S THE ONLY WAY TO TRAVEL . $ < ( JUMPS OFF BIKE . ) > $ REMEMBER , GOD LOVES YOU , GOD WANTS YOU , GOD NEEDS YOU . $ LET 'S TO BED . $ < SPOT FADES OUT . $ MUSIC SWELLS UP . $ FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS THE BEATING OF GIANT WINGS AS A GRE AT BIRD HOVERS OVERHEAD , FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF RAIN FALL ING HEAVILY . > $ #60 $ < SCENE FIFTEEN > $ < LIGHTS UP ON DRAWING-ROOM TO SHOW SIR CHARLES STANDING BY THE FRENCH-WINDOWS STARING OUT MOODILY AT THE RAIN . $ GRACE ENTERS . > $ 13 IT WAS A DAMN LONG NIGHT . $ I 'M STARVING . $ 05 WHAT HAPPENED ? $ 13 HAPPENED ? $ 05 < ( IMPATIENTLY ) > $ LAST NIGHT . $ WHAT DID HE DO ? $ 13 RODE AROUND ON A ONE-WHEEL BICYCLE . $ 05 FILTHY BEAST ! $ ... THAT MUST BE THE GUV'NOR'S OLD BIKE . $ THE ATTIC 'S FULL OF HIS JUNK . $ SO HE JUST RODE AROUND ALL NIGHT , THEN ? $ 13 FIRST THE BIKE , THEN ME . $ 05 OH . $ 13 HIS MIND MAY BE WONKY BUT THERE 'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE REST OF HIS ANATOMY . $ 05 < ( GLOOMILY ) > $ WE GURNEYS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DAMNABLY VIRILE . $ 13 I THOUGHT YOU 'D BE DELIGHTED TO FIND HE 'S NOT IMPOTENT . $ 05 < ( FROWNING ) > $ I AM . $ I AM . $ DELIGHTED . $ < CLAIRE ENTERS BRISKLY . $ SIR CHARLES QUICKLY LETS GO OF GRACE'S HAND . > $ 07 'MORNING . $ WELL , WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT ? $ WAS IT SUCCESSFUL ? $ 13 I SHOULD HAVE SOLD TICKETS . $ 05 REALLY , CLAIRE , HOW CAN YOU ASK A QUESTION LIKE THAT ? 07 WHY NOT ? $ THIS IS YOUR IDEA , REMEMBER ? $ IF YOUR NEPHEW 'S INCAPABLE , THEN SOMEBODY ELSE MAY HAVE TO STEP INTO THE BREACH FOR HIM . $ #61 $ 13 CHARLES , TELL HER TO KEEP HER SHARP TONGUE AND LOW MIND TO HERSELF . $ 07 SHE HAS CLAWS . $ 13 THIS IS MY PAD NOW . $ IF YOU WANT TO KEEP KIBBITZING HERE , BELT UP ON THE SNIDE R EMARKS OR YOU 'LL FIND YOURSELF HORIZONTAL . $ 07 HORIZONTAL 'S MORE YOUR POSITION THAN MINE , DEAR . $ 13 LISTEN YOU BLACK WITCH OF THE NORTH . $ < THERE IS THE SOUND OF A COMMOTION FROM THE CORRIDOR . $ TUCKER COMES IN ARGUING WITH DR HERDER . > $ 03 WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK AT MY BACK ? $ IT 'S 'CAUSE I 'M ON THE NATIONAL HEALTH , ISN'T IT ? $ DAMN MONEY-GRUBBERS , YOU AND YOUR HYPOCRITE'S OATH ... $ YOUR LADYSHIP , DR PAUL HERDER . $ LUNCH IS READY , MADAM . $ < TUCKER SHUFFLES OUT . $ DR HERDER FACES CLAIRE , GRACE AND SIR CHARLES , WHO INSTINC TIVELY UNITE AGAINST HIM , THEIR INTERNAL QUARREL FORGOTTEN . > $ 10 I 'VE COME TO OFFER MY CONGRATULATIONS , IF THAT 'S THE R IGHT WORD . $ 05 THIS IS DR HERDER , LADY GURNEY . $ 13 HOW DO YOU DO , DOCTOR . $ SO NICE TO MEET YOU AT LAST . $ YOU 'LL STAY FOR LUNCH . $ I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY HUSBAND . $ I 'M SORRY YOU WEREN'T TOLD ABOUT THE WEDDING , BUT IT WAS D ONE IN SUCH A RUSH WE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO INVITE ANYBODY EXC EPT THE CLOSE FAMILY . $ BESIDES , YOU WOULD HAVE TRIED TO TALK ME OUT OF IT . $ IT WOULDN'T HAVE DONE ANY GOOD ... $ < ( IRONICALLY ) > $ YOU SEE , I LOVE HIM ! $ < SHE EXITS . > $ 10 YOU SHOULD HAVE CONSULTED ME BEFORE YOU WENT AHEAD . $ IT 'S MADNESS . $ 05 COME , COME , DOCTOR . $ YOU SAID HE NEEDED A HARSH DOSE OF REALITY . $ YOU CAN'T HAVE A HARSHER DOSE OF THE STUFF THAN MARRIAGE . $ 10 IT CAN'T EVEN BE LEGAL . $ 05 IT 'S LEGAL . $ MY BROTHER-IN-LAW CONDUCTED THE SERVICE . $ #62 $ HE 'S A BISHOP , AND A BISHOP WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT W ASN'T LEGAL . $ < HE EXITS . > $ 10 AND WHAT DO YOU SAY , LADY CLAIRE . $ 07 CONGRATULATIONS . $ 10 CONGRATULATIONS ? $ 07 ON GETTING YOUR GUGGENHEIM GRANT . $ 10 YOU MADE LOVE TO ME TO MAKE SURE I DIDN'T CAUSE ANY TROUB LE . $ 07 YOU SEDUCED ME TO MAKE SURE OF THAT 130,000 FOR YOUR SCHI ZOPHRENIC RATS . $ DON'T BE TIRESOME . $ 10 I DON'T LIKE BEING MADE A FOOL OF , CLAIRE . $ 07 YOU HAVEN'T BEEN . $ CHARLES WOULD HAVE GONE AHEAD WITH THE MARRIAGE ANYWAY . $ THE GURNEYS MUST HAVE AN HEIR . $ AS SOON AS THERE IS ONE CHARLES WILL HAVE J.C. COMMITTED . $ THE ONLY WAY YOU WOULD CHANGE THE PLOT IS BY MAKING THE 14TH EARL OF GURNEY SANE LIKE THE REST OF US . $ AND YOU HAVEN'T GOT MUCH TIME . $ LADY GRACE SHELLEY ISN'T THE TYPE TO SURVIVE THE RABBIT TEST FOR LONG . $ 10 < ( QUIET HATE ) > $ VERDAMMT . $ VERDAMMT . $ VERDAMMT . $ < BLACKOUT . > $ #63 $ < SCENE SIXTEEN > $ < A ROLL OF THUNDER . $ SPOT UP ON GRACE FRAMED IN THE DOORWAY UP STAGE CENTRE . $ SHE IS NINE MONTHS PREGNANT . $ LIGHTS FULL UP TO SHOW DR HERDER , CLAIRE AND SIR CHARLES WA TCHING HER WADDLE IN . $ THE EARL COMES IN BEHIND HER , WITH THE SAME HEAVY TREAD , L EANING ON A SHEPHERD'S CROOK , AS IF HE , TOO , IS CARRYING . > $ 13 CAN YOU BEAT IT , J.C. 'S GOT LABOUR PAINS TOO . $ 10 IT 'S CALLED ' COUVADE ' . $ SYMPATHETIC ILLNESS . $ PSYCHOSOMATIC . $ NOT AT ALL UNUSUAL . $ 05 HMM . $ I NEVER FELT A THING WHEN LADY CLAIRE HERE WAS PREGNANT . $ 07 I 'M SURE YOU DIDN'T . $ 09 < ( HELPING GRACE INTO CHAIR , SHE WINCES AND THE EARL CL UTCHES HIS STOMACH ) > $ OOO-AH , MIGHTY MOUSE IS ROARING . $ 10 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE CHILD ? $ 05 VINCENT , AFTER THE GUV'NOR . $ 09 < ( FIRMLY ) > $ NO SHELL NAME . $ WE 'LL CALL THE LITTLE BEGGAR BUSSAY D'AMBOIS , THE UNO BOY- WONDER . $ AND IF IT 'S A GIRL , CAPUCINE . $ 05 CAPUCINE ? $ YOU CAN'T CALL ANYONE CAPUCINE ? $ < TUCKER ENTERS . > $ 03 DR HERDER . $ MR MCKYLE IS HERE . $ 10 SHOW THEM STRAIGHT IN . $ 03 CERTAINLY , SIR , I 'LL LAY DOWN ON THE DOORSTEP AND LET 'EM WALK OVER ME . $ < HE EXITS . > $ 07 DO YOU NEED US ? $ 10 YES . $ BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS , PLEASE DON'T INTERFERE OR INTERRUPT , UNLESS I ASK . $ 07 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ? $ #64 $ 10 < ( PICKS UP TAPE-RECORDER ) > $ PROVE IT 'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR TWO OBJECTS TO OCCUPY THE SAME SP ACE AT THE SAME TIME . $ A COLLEAGUE OF MINE , DR SACKSTEAD , HAS AGREED TO SEND ME S OME HELP AS A PERSONAL FAVOUR . $ 05 ALL THESE DAMNED EXPERIMENTS . $ LOOK AT THE LAST ONE WITH THE LIE-DETECTOR . $ YOU ASKED HIM IF HE WAS GOD , HE GRINNED , SAID ' NO ' AND T HE DAMN FOOL MACHINE SAID HE WAS LYING . $ 10 YOU 'VE FORCED ME TO RISK THE UNORTHODOX . $ < ( TAKES THE EARL'S ARM . ) > $ I 'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE WORLD IN THE HARD LIGHT OF TRUTH . $ 09 I AM THE LIGHT OF TRUTH , THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD . $ 10 < ( INTO TAPE-RECORDER ) > $ THIS IS EXPERIMENT FIFTEEN . $ 05 ALL THESE DAMNED EXPERIMENTS . $ < TUCKER ENTERS . > $ 03 DR HERDER . $ MR MCKYLE ... $ < MCKYLE ENTERS , BRUSHING PAST HIM IMPATIENTLY , FOLLOWED B Y A BURLY ASSISTANT . > $ OH , CHARMING . $ < HE EXITS . > $ 14 < ( GESTURING ) > $ MAE ASSISTANT , MR SHAPE . $ < MCKYLE IS A POWERFUL GAUNT MAN , WITH AN IRON-GREY BEARD A ND BRUSQUE MANNER . $ HE IS STILL WEARING GLOVES . $ 15 DR SACKSTEAD WAS HELD UP . $ HE HOPES TO BE ALONG LATER . $ 14 SHALL WE GIE ON WI' IT ? $ 10 LET ME INTRODUCE YOU . $ 14 NO NEED . $ I 'M SURE THEY A' KEN ME HERE . $ < ( THE OTHERS LOOK PUZZLED ; HE TAKES OFF RIGHT-HAND GLOVE , EXTENDS FINGERS . ) > $ ACH , WHO ELSE HAS ELECTRICITY STREAMING FRAW HIS FINGERS AN D EYEBALLS ? $ I 'M THE HIGH VOLTAGE MESSIAH . $ 07 THE WHO ? $ 14 THE ELECTRIC CHRIST , THE AC/DC GOD . $ YOU LOOK FUSED . $ #65 $ CANNAE Y' SEE THE WALL PLUG IN MAE FOREHEAD ? $ HERE , HERE . $ THE BOOSTER CONVERTER . $ TAKES EVERYTHING I EATS AND DRINKS AND COVERTS IT INTO WATTS AND KILOWATTS . $ < ALL STARE EXCEPT ASSISTANT AND DR HERDER . $ SIR CHARLES AND CLAIRE ARE ABOUT TO PROTEST . $ DR HERDER GESTURES TO THEM TO KEEP QUIET AND FLICKS ON THE T APE-RECORDER . > $ 10 ARE YOU SAYING YOU 'RE GOD TOO ? $ 14 GOD 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 , 9 , 10 . $ AC/DC . $ HAVENAE' Y' SEEN GOD A'FORE ? $ 09 < ( QUIETLY ) > $ THEY HAVE , SIR . $ YOUR REMARKS ARE IN EXTREME BAD TASTE . $ I 'M GOD . $ 14 < ( FOCUSSING ON HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME ) > $ YER' NAE GOD . $ YER' WHAT MAE SNOT-RAG 'S MAD OF . $ < ( PLUGS DEAF-AID IN EAR . ) > $ I 'VE OBLITERATED HUNDREDS O' DUPE-MESSIAHS IN MAE TIME . $ 09 < ( BEGINS TO CIRCLE SLOWLY CLOCK-WISE ) > $ YOU THINK I 'D GO AROUND SAYING I WAS GOD IF I COULD HELP IT ? $ MENTAL HOSPITALS ARE FULL OF CHAPS SAYING THEY 'RE GOD . $ 14 < ( MOVING SLOWLY AROUND IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION ) > $ IT 'S A BIT MUCH O' SACKSTEAD SENDING ME TWENTY MILLION MILE S THROUGH GALACTIC SPACE AND THE INTERPLANETARY DUST PILED T WO FEET THICK OUTSIDE THE WINDOWS , TO BANDY WORDS WI' A POX Y MOON-LOONEY WHO THINKS HE 'S ME . $ 09 I 'M HERE . $ YOU 'RE THERE . $ 14 ACH , I 'M HERE AND I 'M THERE TOO . $ < ( OPPOSITE EACH OTHER AGAIN . ) > $ DINNAE TRIFLE WI' ME . $ I 'M JEHOVAH O' THE OLD TESTAMENT , THE VENGEFUL GOD . $ AWAE OR YOU 'LL BE DROPPED . $ 10 YOU CAN'T BOTH BE GOD . $ 14 HE 'S ONLY A BLEERY-EYED BLOOSTER , AN ENGLISH PINHEAD , THE HOLLOWED OUT SON O' A CAMERONIAN BROTHEL-KEEPER . $ 09 THAT 'S BECAUSE I 'M NOT MYSELF TODAY . $ < ( TO DR HERDER . ) > $ YOU 'RE TRYING TO SPLIT MY MIND WITH HIS TONGUE . $ 14 AWAE HOME , LADDIE , AFORE I BURN YOU TO A CRISPY NOODLE . $ 09 YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME . $ I 'M THE ROCK . $ #66 $ < ( BECOMES SQUARE , MASSIVE . ) > $ AND THE VINE . $ < ( STRETCHING ARMS UP . ) > $ THE GOAT . $ < ( SPRINGS INTO CHAIR , FINGERS AS HORNS . ) > $ THE EAST WIND . $ < ( BLOWS . ) > $ THE SACRED BUG . $ < ( JUMPS DOWN , SCUTTLES ALONG . ) > $ THE UPRIGHT TESTICLE . $ < ( JERKS UPRIGHT . ) > $ THE BULL . $ < AS THEY WATCH HIM PAW AND BELLOW , FASCINATED , MCKYLE PIC KS UP THE EMPTY BRANDY GLASS FROM TABLE AND BEFORE THE ASSIS TANT CAN STOP HIM TAKES A BITE OUT OF IT . $ HAVING RECAPTURED THEIR HORRIFIED ATTENTION , HE CONTINUES T ALKING WITH HIS MOUTH FULL OF BLOOD . > $ 14 I SAW MAE SON JAMIE DEI . $ HE HAD CANCER AT THE BASE OF HIS SPINE AND ONE IN HIS HEAD . $ THEY USED THE BLACK SPIDER TREATMENT ON HIM . $ IT CRAWLED ALL OVER , USING ITS FEELERS , CRACKING THE BODY VERMIN AND GERMS WI' ITS NIPPERS . $ < ( SUDDENLY TO GRACE . ) > $ I CAN CURE YER BURSTING . $ FIRE A LASER BEAM DOON INTO YER EYE , LET A BLACK SPIDER CRA WL DOWN TO CLEAR AWAY THE SICK PUSS THE SACK O' PUS , THE WH ITE PUSS , THE DEID ... $ < GRACE RISES , SHAKEN . > $ BUT FIRST I 'LL DEAL WI' YON IRISHMAN . $ < ( STANDS ON ONE LEG . ) > $ I 'M EARTHED . $ < ( WHIPPING OFF GLOVE HE SUDDENLY WHIRLS ROUND AND STABS FO REFINGER AT THE EARL'S STOMACH . ) > $ ZZZZZZZZZ ... $ < THE EARL TRIES TO PROTECT HIMSELF WITH HIS HANDS BUT SLOWL Y DOUBLES UP , LETTING OUT A LONG GROAN WHICH TURNS INTO A C RY OF PAIN AS GRACE , WHO HAS STAGGERED TO HER FEET , COLLAP SES ON THE FLOOR CLUTCHING HER STOMACH . > $ 10 DAMN ! $ 05 GRACE . $ GRACE . $ 07 < ( HURRYING TO THE DOOR ) > $ TUCKER ! $ 05 < ( TO DR HERDER BENDING DOWN TO GRACE ) > $ YOUR RESPONSIBILITY , SIR . $ DAMN YOU . $ < TUCKER APPEARS IN DOORWAY . > $ 10 TUCKER - NURSE BRICE . $ AND TELL THE MIDWIFE TO BE READY ! $ 14 < ( TAKING BULB OUT OF STANDARD LAMP ) > $ I 'M DEAD ! $ < ( STICKS FINGER INTO THE SOCKET , SHAKES VIOLENTLY . ) > $ RE-CH-A-R-GE ! $ 10 GET HER UPSTAIRS . $ 05 < ( PICKING GRACE UP ) > $ IF WE LOSE THIS CHILD ... $ #67 $ < THEY MOVE UP STAGE TO THE DOOR . > $ 14 < ( SHAKING ) > $ B-B-BURN-N-N-N A F-F-F-EATH-E-E-E-E-ER O-O-O-N-D-D-ER HER N- N-NOSE ! $ < DINSDALE RUSHES IN EXCITEDLY . > $ 06 SUPER NEWS ! $ OLD BARRINGTON-COCHRAIN 'S DYING . $ IT 'LL MEAN A BY-ELECTION . $ 07 NOT NOW , DINSDALE ! $ 09 PAUL , PAUL , WHY PERSECUTEST THOU ME ? $ < ALL LOOK ROUND AND UP TO THE EARL WHO HAS , IN THE CONFUSI ON , CLIMBED UP TO THE GALLERY AND IS NOW SPREAD OUT ON THE CROSS . $$ SIR CHARLES HURRIES OUT WITH GRACE IN HIS ARMS . $ CLAIRE QUICKLY FOLLOWS AS TUCKER REAPPEARS IN DOORWAY . > $ 10 < ( TO ASSISTANT ) > $ DON'T LET 'EM LEAVE ! $ < HE EXITS . > $ 03 DON'T WORRY , DOCTOR . $ I 'M A BROWN BELT . $ FIFTH DAN . $ < ( ASSUMES JUDO STANCE , WITH LOUD GRUNTS . ) > $ HO-HA ! $ 06 WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT 'S GOING ON ? $ 03 < ( POURING DRINK ) > $ LIFE , MASTER DINSDALE , SIR . $ THE RICH MOTH-EATEN TAPESTRY OF LIFE . $ < DR HERDER RE-ENTERS WITH CLAIRE . > $ 10 MRS GRANT 'S A FULLY QUALIFIED MIDWIFE . $ SHE 'D RESENT ME INTERFERING PROFESSIONALLY . $ ANYWAY , I 'LL BE EXTREMELY BUSY DOWN HERE . $ 07 YOU 'RE NOT GOING ON WITH THIS ? $ 10 IT 'S OUR LAST CHANCE . $ SACKSTEAD WILL NEVER AGREE TO LET MCKYLE OUT AGAIN . $ 06 WHERE 'S FATHER ? $ 07 PACING THE CORRIDOR UPSTAIRS . $ 10 COME , MCKYLE , GET YOUR FINGER OUT . $ < ( UP AT CROSS . ) > $ GENTLEMEN , IT 'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHICH OF YOU IS TELLING THE TRUTH . $ IF ONE OF YOU IS GOD , THE OTHER MUST BE SOMEBODY ELSE . $ 14 YOU WORSHIP , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN O' THE JURY . $ I STAND ACCUSED O' NAE BEING WHO I AM : TO WIT , THE AFORESA ID , AFTER-MENTIONED , HEREAFTER-NAMED , UNCONTESTED GOD . $ THESE ARE FACTS . $ #68 $ I MADE THE WORLD IN MAE IMAGE . $ I 'M A HOLY TERROR . $ SAE THAT ACCOONTS FER THE BLOODY MESS IT 'S IN . $ GI' UP Y' WINDY WA'S MCNAUGHTON AND PLEAD INSANITY . $ 09 IF IT 'S FACTS YOU WANT , THE GREAT PEACOCK IS A MOTH WHI CH ONLY LIVES TWO DAYS . $ WITH NO MOUTH TO EAT OR DRINK IT FLIES MILES TO LOVE , BREED AND DIE . $ CONSIDER A LIFE O' LOVE WITHOUT ONE SELFISH ACT , MEMBERS OF THE JURY . $ 14 ACH , AND THEY PUT ME AWAE FER SEVENTEEN YEARS . $ ONLY THE SICK WI' SPIDERS WEBS ROUND THEIR BRAINS CLACK O' A BOUT LO'E AND GOODNESS . $ I 'M A BRAW GOD FER BASHING BAIRNS' HEADS ON ROCKS , A GOD F OR STRONG STOMACHS . $ 09 YOU 'RE ONE OF THE FU MANCHU GANG . $ < ( GESTURES AT AUDIENCE . ) > $ THEY 'RE CHILDREN OF CONDENSED SUNLIGHT . $ 14 THE CHILDREN O' LICHT YOU KEN , ARE FAR AWA' . $ THIS IS EARTH . $ AN EARLY FAILURE O' MINE . $ EARTH IS WHERE I DUMP THE EXCREMENT O' THE UNIVERSE , THE PR IVY O' THE COSMOS . $ 09 I 'M TOO FULL OF GRACE TO LISTEN . $ PEOPLE CARE FOR LOVE - LOVE FOR EVERYTHING THAT 'S NECESSARY FOR THE CONTINUATION OF LIFE . $ 03 < ( LURCHING FORWARD ) > $ WE DON'T WANT LOVE , WE WANT A FAT SLICE O' REVENGE . $ KISS ME ARSE ! $ 06 < ( INDIGNANTLY ) > $ TUCKER , YOU 'RE AN UNMITIGATED STINKER . $ 10 NO GOD OF LOVE MADE THIS WORLD . $ I 'VE SEEN A GIRL OF FOUR'S NAILS HAD BEEN TORN OUT BY HER F ATHER . $ I 'VE SEEN THE MOUNTAINS OF GOLD TEETH AND HAIR AND THE MILL IONS BOILED DOWN FOR SOAP . $ 09 < ( HE STUMBLES DESPERATELY OFF THE CROSS , PUTTING STICK ING PLASTER OVER HIS EYES ) > $ S-S-SOME-TIMES G-G-GOD TURNS HIS B-B-BACK ON HIS P-P-PEOPLE ... $ 14 AND BREAKS WIND AND THE STENCH CLOUDS THE GLOBE ! $ THAT 'S SETTLED THE VERDICT 'TWEEN TWA ' POOR SCOTTISH LOONS . $ I 'M THE HIGH VOLTAGE MAN , NEARER TO GOD THAN YON SENTIMENT AL CLISHMAC-LAVERER . $ 09 THERE 'S A LIGHT OF TRUTH INSIDE AS WELL AS A LIGHT OF TR UTH OUTSIDE . $ #69 $ 10 < ( VIOLENTLY ) > $ HERE 'S THE TRUTH ! $ < ( RIPS STICKING PLASTER FROM THE EARL'S EYES . ) > $ YOU 'RE JACK GURNEY , THE 14TH EARL OF GURNEY . $ < ROLL OF THUNDER . > $ 14 I 'M COCK O' THE NORTH , MAE BOYS . $ OH . $ I 'M COCK O' THE NORTH . $ < ( BREAKS EARL'S STAFF ACROSS KNEE . ) > $ 09 < ( WRITHING AS IF IN LABOUR ) > $ ELOI ELOI . $ 10 YOUR LOVING FAMILY TRICKED YOU INTO MARRIAGE BECAUSE THEY WANT AN HEIR . $ 09 PATER-NOSTER-PATER-NOSTER-PATER-NOSTER ... $ 10 IF THE BABY TURNS OUT TO BE A BOY THEY 'LL HAVE YOU CERTI FIED , COMMITTED , AND IN A STRAIT-JACKET BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ANOTHER PATER-NOSTER . $ 09 < ( IN GREAT PAIN ) > $ I AM THE FATHER . $ CHERISH THE WORM . $ ERRSH ... I 'M SPLITTING . $ I TEAR . $ TORN . $ < ( WRITHING . ) > $ CROWNED . $ COMING OUT CROWNED . $ BORN ... I AM THE FATHER . $ < A CLAP OF THUNDER . $ CLAIRE JUMPS UP . > $ 07 < ( SHOUTING , PUTTING HANDS TO HEAD LIKE HORNS ) > $ YOU 'RE THE FATHER OF NOTHING ! $ YOU 'RE JACK - JACK THE CUCKOLD ! $ 14 < ( FIRING WITH BOTH HANDS AT EARL ) > $ ZZZZZZZZZZZ ... $ < THE EARL LETS OUT AN EXTRAORDINARY DEEP-THROATED CRY , CAR EERING BACKWARDS , BUCKING AND TWISTING FROM THE FORCE OF TH E IMAGINARY ELECTRICAL CHARGE . $ HE CRASHES AGAINST THE RECORDER ON THE TABLE , STARTING IT P LAYING BACK AT HIGH SPEED . $ SIMULTANEOUSLY , THERE IS A CLAP OF THUNDER , THE FRENCH-WIN DOWS FLY OPEN AND WITH A RUSH OF COLD WIND A MONSTROUS EIGHT -FEET BEAST BURSTS IN . $ IT WALKS UPRIGHT LIKE A MAN , COVERED WITH THICK BLACK HAIR SWEPT OUT FROM EACH SIDE OF ITS FACE LIKE A GIGANTIC GUINEA- PIG , AND IS DRESSED INCONGRUOUSLY IN HIGH VICTORIAN FASHION : MORNING COAT AND TOP HAT . $ NONE OF THE OTHERS SEE THE BEAST , WHICH GRABS THE EARL AND SHAKES HIM VIOLENTLY , TO THE ACCOMPANIMENT OF HIGH-SPEED JA BBER FROM THE TAP-RECORDER , THUNDER-CLAPS AND MCKYLE'S HARS H CHANTS 'TWO MILLION VOLTS ZZZZZ THREE MILLION ZZZZZZZZZZ ' . $ THE EARL WRESTLES IN AN EPILEPTIC FIT , SALIVA DRIBBLING FRO M HIS MOUTH . $ #70 $ CLAIRE AND DINSDALE WATCH WITH WELL-BRED REVULSION , DR HERD ER AND ASSISTANT WITH CLINICAL INTEREST WHILE PUSHING THE HE AVY FURNITURE OUT OF THE WAY AS THE BEAST PUMMELS HIS VICTIM IN A SERIES OF VICIOUS WRESTLING HOLDS . $ THE EARL'S LEGS AND ARMS ARE TWISTED , AND HIS FACE FORCED B ACK BY A HEAVY PAW . $ HE STRUGGLES , BUT HIS STRENGTH SOON LEAVES HIM . $ AS THE BACKGROUND NOISE REACHES A CRESCENDO , THE BEAST SLAM S HIM DOWN ACROSS ITS KNEE , TOSSES HIM ONTO THE FLOOR AND T HEN LOOKING DOWN AT THE UNCONSCIOUS MAN , RAISES ITS HAT , G RUNTS AND LURCHES OUT THE WAY IT CAME IN . $ THE EARL LIES STILL , STAGE CENTRE , ONE LEG TWISTED UNDER H IS BODY . $ MCKYLE STOPS CHANTING , AND CLAIRE SWITCHES OFF THE TAPE-REC ORDER , WHILST DINSDALE AND TUCKER CLOSE THE FRENCH-WINDOWS . $ SILENCE . $ THERE IS THE DISTINCT SOUND OF A SINGLE SLAP AND A BABY BEGI NS TO CRY FAINTLY . $ THE ASSISTANT STRAIGHTENS THE EARL'S LEG WHILST DR HERDER BE NDS DOWN AND LIFTS HIS HEAD . $ THE EARL'S EYES OPEN . > $ 09 < ( FEEBLY ) > $ JACK . $ 10 WHAT ? $ 09 JACK . $ MY NAME ... $ 10 < ( DAWNING REALIZATION ) > $ YES , JACK . $ THAT 'S RIGHT , YOUR NAME 'S JACK . $ < ( LOOKS UP AT OTHERS . ) > $ IT 'S WORKED ! $ 14 COWL THE MINNIE ! $ HALLELUJAH ! $ HALLELUJAH ! $ 06 OH , WELL DONE . $ 09 JACK . $ MY NAME 'S JACK ... $ < SIR CHARLES ENTERS UP STAGE CENTRE , A BUNDLE IN HIS ARMS . > $ 05 < ( HOLDING UP BUNDLE TRIUMPHANTLY ) > $ IT 'S A BOY ! $ 09 JACK . $ I 'M JACK . $ I 'M JACK . $ I 'M JACK ! $ < THE BABY STARTS TO CRY . > $ < CURTAIN > $ #71 $ < ACT TWO > $ #72 $ #73 $ < SCENE ONE > $ < ' OH FOR THE WINGS OF A DOVE ' PLAYED OVER , THEN OUT OF T HE DARKNESS BISHOP LAMPTON'S VOICE INTONES : > $ 04 < ( OVER ) > $ VINCENT , HENRY , EDWARD , RALPH GURNEY , I BAPTIZE THEE IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND OF THE SON AND OF THE HOLY GHOST . $ < BABY CRIES . $ PHOTOGRAPHER'S FLASH MOMENTARILY LIGHTS A CHRISTENING GROUP OF SIR CHARLES , CLAIRE , DINSDALE , DR HERDER , TUCKER AND BISHOP LAMPTON , GROUPED AROUND GRACE WITH THE CHILD . $ THEN LIGHTS UP ON THE DRAWING-ROOM , NOW CONTAINING PIECES O F VICTORIAN FURNITURE AND BRIC-A-BRAC . $ THE CROSS HAS GONE . $ TUCKER PULLS OFF THE BISHOP'S ROBES . > $ 13 WHAT A PAIR OF LUNGS . $ THE LITTLE DEVIL UP-STAGED EVERYBODY . $ HE 'S A TROUPER . $ 05 < ( JOVIALLY , AT BABY ) > $ COOCHY-COOCHY . $ HE 'S A SPLENDID FELLA , EH , BERTIE ? $ 04 A VESSEL NEWLY FILLED WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT , BUT I FEAR R EGRETTABLY LEAKY . $ 13 LEAKY OR NOT , HE 'S SAVED YOU GURNEYS FROM BECOMING EXTI NCT . $ < SHE EXITS . > $ 05 THINGS ARE BEGINNING TO GET BACK TO NORMAL . $ 10 WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT HIS LORDSHIP ? $ 05 THE FAMILY CAME TO A DECISION SOME TIME AGO , THAT AFTER CERTAIN MATTERS HAD BEEN CLEARED UP HE 'D BE PUT AWAY . $ PERMANENTLY THIS TIME . $ FOR HIS OWN GOOD . $ 07 THAT WAS BEFORE , CHARLES . $ THE SITUATION 'S CHANGED . $ 04 I GATHER HE 'S IMPROVED . $ BUT WE CAN'T BE SURE HE WON'T SINK BACK INTO DARKNESS AND SH ADOW . $ #74 $ 06 SOMETIMES IT 'S WORSE THAN WHEN HE WAS COMPLETELY POTTY . $ I MEAN , WE 'RE ALL JUST WAITING FOR HIM TO GO OFF AGAIN , T ICK-TICK-TICK-TICK-BOOM . $ WE 'VE BEEN DARNED LUCKY UP TO NOW BUT WITH A POSSIBLE BY-EL ECTION IN THE OFFING , IT 'S TOO RISKY . $ 05 CAN'T SAY I 'M THE SENSITIVE TYPE , BUT THE STRAIN OF THE LAST FEW MONTHS IS BEGINNING TO TELL . $ I THINK IT 'S BEST ALL ROUND IF JACK WERE PUT AWAY . $ < ( NOTICES TUCKER STAGGERING OFF WITH THE VESTMENTS . ) > $ AND HE 'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WE CAN SAY GOODBYE TO . $ TUCKER SCOWLS DARKLY AT HIM , AS GRACE COMES BACK IN . > $ 13 NOTHING LIKE A COUPLE OF NURSEMAIDS TO TAKE THE CURSE OUT OF HAVING KIDS . $ 07 WE WERE TALKING ABOUT JACK . $ 13 HE 'S A HELLUVA PROBLEM . $ WHAT DO YOU SAY , DOCTOR ? $ 10 < ( DRILY ) > $ THANK YOU FOR ASKING . $ YOU MUST REALIZE THAT THE BATTLE BETWEEN THE GOD OF LOVE AND THE ELECTRIC MESSIAH WAS A TREMENDOUS BREAKTHROUGH . $ 13 IS HE CURED ? $ 10 HE 'S ON THE WAY TO RECOVERY . $ HIS BEHAVIOUR IS NEARER THE ACCEPTABLE NORM . $ I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT 'S PERMANENT . $ I DO KNOW , YOU MUSTN'T HAVE HIM COMMITTED . $ I 'VE GOT A FULL SCHEDULE OF RESEARCH LINED UP , BUT I 'M TA KING VALUABLE TIME OUT FOR THIS THERAPY . $ THIS CASE COULD BECOME A CLASSIC OF PSYCHOLOGY - FREUD'S ANN A O. , NOW HERDER'S EARL OF GURNEY . $ 09 CALL ME JACK . $ < THE EARL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY UP STAGE CENTRE WITH AN ANC IENT SHOTGUN LEVELLED AT THEM . $ BEFORE THEY CAN REACT HE PULLS THE TRIGGER AND SAYS ' CLICK ' ; NOTHING HAPPENS . $ HE HAS CHANGED ; NO BEARD , HIS HAIR IS SHORT , AND HE WEARS AN OLD-FASHIONED DARK SUIT WITH WAISTCOAT AND STIFF COLLAR . $ HIS WORDS AND GESTURES ARE STILL SLIGHTLY OUT OF ' SYNCH ' . > $ IT 'S A PLEASANT NAME . $ < ( IMITATING BELL . ) > $ J-J-JACK , J-J-JACK , J-J-JACK . $ < USING HIS SHOTGUN AS A TEMPORARY CRUTCH HE CROSSES STAGE C ENTRE WITH A PECULAIR LOPING HOP . $ #75 $ 05 AND HE 'S RECOVERING ? $ < ( TO THE EARL . ) > $ WHY ARE YOU WALKING LIKE THAT ? $ < THE EARL PULLS OFF HIS RIGHT SHOE , FEELS INSIDE , AND TAK ES OUT A LARGE PEBBLE . $ HE SHOWS IT TO SIR CHARLES BY WAY OF REPLY . > $ < ( DISAPPOINTED . ) > $ OH . $ A STONE . $ 07 REASONABLE . $ 09 < ( GESTURING WITH GUN ) > $ I FOUND IT IN THE ATTIC . $ 13 WHY AREN'T YOU RESTING ? $ 09 I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING AT MY OWN SON'S CHRIS TENING . $ 13 THE LITTLE DEVIL STOLE THE SHOW . $ 09 I MUST BE SURE BEFORE I MAKE MY FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE . $ VERY IMPORTANT TO LEAVE THE RIGHT IMPRESSION . $ WHEN I G-G- HUITMENT , RE-RETURN DUNT D-D- IMPRESSION OF OVE RALL SUPERIORITY AND VOLATILE FARTS THE SHADOW OF IT IS SLUD GE GHOUL OF A WHORE , WHOREDOM'S BLODDY NETWORK . $ < ( STRUGGLES FIERCELY TO REGAIN CONTROL . ) > $ HOLD SIR , HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD SIR . $ < ( RECOVERING , TO DINSDALE . ) > $ A RELATIVE WHO SAID HE WAS CHRIST COULD HARDLY BE A POLITICA L ASSET FOR YOU , DINSDALE . $ 10 I DON'T KNOW . $ THE TORY LEADER 'S THE SON OF A CARPENTER , AFTER ALL . $ 09 < ( SURPRISED ) > $ LORD SALISBURY 'S A CARPENTER'S SON . $ REALLY ? $ 07 HOW ARE YOU FEELING ? $ 09 LAZARUS FELT LIKE I FEEL . $ ODOUR OF DUNG . $ DUAT D' D' S' MUSS BED SORES THE EXECUTIONERS ARRIVE FOR NIJ INSKY THE LIQUID STREETS UNSTABLE MY WOODEN LEG NEEDS MORPHI NE . $ < ( STRUGGLING , SWEATING . ) > $ BACK , SIR . $ BACK , SIR . $ BACK . $ < ( CONTROLLED . ) > $ BE PATIENT , I 'LL LEARN THE RULES OF THE GAME . $ 10 WE KNOW YOU WILL . $ 07 YOU 'VE CHANGED ALREADY . $ < TUCKER ENTERS CARRYING A CAPE AND DEERSTALKER CAP . > $ 03 YOU WISHED TO TAKE A CONSTITUTIONAL AT NOON , MY LORD . $ 09 THANK YOU , TUCK . $ INVALUABLE MAN , TUCK . $ #76 $ 03 THERE 'S SOME 'ERE WHO DON'T THINK SO , YOUR LORDSHIP . $ < ( DARKLY AT SIR CHARLES . ) > $ NO NAMES , NO PACK-DRILL . $ I KNOW THEY 'RE WAITING TO GIVE ME THE BOOT . $ 09 < ( SADLY ) > $ YOU AND ME BOTH , TUCK . $ WE MUST GIVE 'EM NO CAUSE , NO CAUSE . $ 13 < ( HELPING HIM ON WITH THE CAPE ) > $ DON'T STAY OUT TOO LONG , JACK . $ 09 JUST WANT TO GET THE FEEL OF TERRA FIRMA . $ I MUST LEARN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT , BOWELS OPEN AND NEVER V OLUNTEER . $ COME , TUCK . $ < THEY EXIT THROUGH FRENCH-WINDOWS . > $ 07 WELL ? $ HAS HE CHANGED OR HASN'T HE ? $ I AGREED WITH YOU BEFORE , CHARLES , HE WAS HOPELESS AND THE SOONER WE PUT HIM AWAY THE BETTER . $ NOW IT 'D BE STUPID . $ I KNOW HE 'LL RECOVER . $ 13 AND IF HE DOES ? $ WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US ? $ HE MIGHTN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WE DID . $ 06 I SAY , AREN'T YOU ALL JUMPING THE GUN ? $ LOOK AT THE WAY HE SUDDENLY GOES OFF . $ ' VOLATILE FARTS A' A' DUAT ' . $ ' WHAT 'S ALL THAT THEN ? $ 10 PARALALIA-SPEECH DISTURBANCE . $ IT WOULD BE SIMPLER IF A MAN WAS PARANOID ONE MOMENT AND CUR ED THE NEXT . $ UNFORTUNATELY , IT TAKES TIME . $ 06 THERE 'S ALL THIS VICTORIAN BRIC-A-BRAC STUFF HE 'S GOT E VERYWHERE . $ AND WHAT ABOUT HIM THINKING THE LEADER OF THE CONSERVATIVE P ARTY WAS THE MARQUIS OF SALISBURY ? $ 10 SICILIAN PEASANTS THOUGHT CHURCHILL WAS A KIND OF TOMATO . $ THOUSANDS OF INDIANS HAVE NEVER HEARD OF GANDHI . $ POLITICAL IGNORANCE IS NOT A SYMPTON OF PSYCHOSIS . $ IT MIGHT EVEN BE CONSIDERED A SIGN OF MENTAL HEALTH . $ 07 BERTIE , YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MUCH OF JACK LATELY . $ WHAT 'S YOUR OPINION ? $ 04 THE ACID TEST STILL IS , WOULD HE PASS MUSTER IN THE ATHE NAEUM ? $ COULD HE BE INTRODUCED TO MEMBERS WITHOUT RAISING EYEBROWS ? $ 10 IN THE END IT 'S REALLY HER LADYSHIP'S DECISION . $ #77 $ 13 OH , HELL . $ THANKS A LOT . $ I DON'T KNOW . $ THERE 'S THE BABY ... $ WHAT IF HE SUDDENLY ... ? $ HAVE I GOT TO RIGHT NOW ? $ JEEZ , I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND . $ 05 YOU DON'T HAVE TO . $ IT 'S DONE . $ I 'VE ALREADY ASKED THE MASTER IN LUNACY TO COME DOWN AND CE RTIFY JACK 'S INSANE . $ < A SINGLE SHOT , OFF RIGHT , BREAKS THE STUNNED SILENCE . $ CLAIRE , DR HERDER AND GRACE LOOK AT EACH OTHER , THEN RUSH OUT OF THE FRENCH-WINDOWS . $ 05 < ( HOPEFULLY , TO DINSDALE ) > $ DO YOU THINK JACK 'S DONE THE DECENT THING AT LAST ? $ < BISHOP LAMPTON CROSSES HIMSELF . $ LIGHTS DOWN . > $ #78 $ < SCENE TWO > $ < SPOT UP ON METAL SUN HANGING DOWN STAGE CENTRE : SOME WHIT E FEATHERS FLOAT DOWN . $ FOOTLIGHTS UP TO SHOW THE EARL STANDING WITH TUCKER , DOWN S TAGE RIGHT , LOOKING BLANKLY AT HIS SMOKING SHOTGUN , A DEAD DOVE AT HIS FEET . $ VOICES ARE HEARD CALLING OFF . > $ 03 < ( SHAKILY ) > $ THAT 'S HOW ACCIDENTS HAPPEN . $ THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME , YOUR LORDSHIP . $ YOU 'VE BEEN WAVING THAT GUN ALL OVER THE PLACE . $ < ( TAKES OUT HIP-FLASK . ) > $ NOT THAT ANYONE 'D HAVE CARED MUCH . $ NO ONE TO WEEP FOR POOR CREEPING TUCKER . $ < ( DRINKS . ) > $ BUT I 'M NOT READY FOR STOKING THE FIERY FURNACE YET . $ I 'VE GOT AN AWFUL LOT OF LIVING TO DO . $ GIRLS BY THE HUNDREDS TO NAME ONLY A FEW ... $ < GRACE , CLAIRE AND DR HERDER RUSH ANXIOUSLY ON WINGS RIGHT . > $ 13 WHAT HAPPENED ? $ YOU ALL RIGHT ? $ 03 AS RAIN , YOUR LADYSHIP . $ JUST A LITTLE ACCIDENT . $ THE GUN WENT OFF . $ BUT IRONSIDE NEVER FLINCHED . $ 07 YOU 'RE NOT HURT , JACK ? $ 09 < ( INDICATING DOVE , TAKES OFF HAT ) > $ R.I.P. $ 13 WHERE THE DEVIL WERE YOU , JEEVES ? $ 07 GUZZLING ! $ YOUR JOB 'S TO LOOK AFTER HIS LORDSHIP , TUCKER . $ 03 I KNOW MY JOB , LADY CLAIRE , AND MY PLACE . $ AND THAT 'S INDOORS . $ IT 'S F-F-FREEZING . $ < WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE EARL THE OTHERS ARE ALREADY FEEL ING COLD . $ THEY SHIFT FROM ONE FOOT TO THE OTHER TO KEEP WARM DURING TH E REST OF THE SCENE . $ SIR CHARLES HURRIES ON , WINGS RIGHT . > $ 05 < ( SEES EARL ) > $ OH . $ STILL IN ONE PIECE ? $ 07 DISAPPOINTED ? $ 09 I WAS TRYING TO DO WHAT 'S EXPECTED . $ I RECALL IT 'S A SIGN OF NORMALCY IN OUR CIRCLE TO SLAUGHTER ANYTHING THAT MOVES . $ #79 $ ALL I DID WAS ... $ < HE AIMS THE SHOTGUN UP AT THE FLIES OFF LEFT , AND PULLS T HE TRIGGER . $ TO EVERYONE'S HORROR , THE SECOND BARREL FIRES . $ THERE IS A BELLOW OF PAIN FROM THE FLIES , A CRY ' AHHHH ... ' FOLLOWED BY A CRASH AS SOMEONE HITS THE GROUND . > $ 05 POACHERS ! $ DAMN POACHERS ! $ < ( GRABS THE EARL'S GUN . ) > $ COME ON , TUCKER . $ AFTER HIM ! $ < SIR CHARLES RUSHES OFF WITH A RELUCTANT TUCKER . $ DINSDALE CAN BE HEARD CALLING ' I SAY , WHERE IS EVERYBODY ? $ H-E-LL-OOO ' , AS CLAIRE , DR HERDER AND GRACE LOOK SUSPICIO USLY AT THE EARL . > $ 09 I HAD A STONE IN MY SHOE AND AN ACCIDENT WITH AN OLD GUN , SO YOU STILL THINK I 'M INSANE . $ I KNOW A MAN WHO HATED THE SIGHT OF HIS WRINKLED SOCKS , SO HE WORE HIS GIRL FRIEND'S GIRDLE TO KEEP 'EM UP . $ NOW SHE 'S HIS WIFE . $ < ( FIERCELY . ) > $ I 'VE GOT TO STOP TALKING . $ < ( TAKES GRACE'S HAND . ) > $ JUST GIVE ME TIME . $ 10 < ( DERIBERATELY ) > $ SIR CHARLES HAS ASKED THE MASTER IN LUNACY TO COME HERE TO C OMMIT YOU TO AN INSTITUTION . $ < EARL LETS GO OF GRACE'S HAND ; HE BECOMES RIGID AND SWAYS . > $ NATURALLY I 'LL OPPOSE ANY COMMITMENT . $ BUT IN THE END IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU ACT . $ 09 < ( STOPS SWAYING ) > $ PERHAPS IT 'S FOR THE BEST . $ IF I SATISFY THE LUNATIC MASTER , I 'LL BE OFFICIALLY SANE , AND I 'LL HAVE A CERTIFICATE TO PROVE IT . $ < ( QUIETLY . ) > $ BUT CHARLES HAS BEEN UNWISE . $ < ( ALL SHIVER . ) > $ YOU 'LL CATCH YOUR DEATHS OUT HERE . $ ODD EXPRESSION . $ 10 L-L-LET'S GET IN THEN . $ WE 'VE GOT WORK TO DO . $ 09 I 'LL STAY A MOMENT AND COMPOSE MYSELF . $ < DR HERDER NODS AND EXITS BRISKLY WINGS RIGHT , WITH CLAIRE . > $ 13 WHAT A FAMILY . $ ENOUGH TO DRIVE ANYONE ROUND THE BEND . $ WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT , JACK ? $ 09 < ( ARM AROUND HER ) > $ THE ONLY SENSIBLE THING I 'VE DONE IN THE LAST SEVEN YEARS W AS TO MARRY YOU . $ 13 < ( TOUCHED ) > $ THERE NOW . $ THERE NOW . $ DON'T STAY OUT TOO LONG , HONEY . $ #80 $ < ( MOVES OFF , SHIVERING . ) > $ CHARLES IS A BLOODY MORON . $ I 'LL HAVE HIS GUTS FOR GARTERS . $ < AS SHE EXITS WINGS LEFT , THE METAL SUN IS TAKEN UP . $ 09 < ( SOFTLY ) > $ SOFT . $ SOFTLY . $ DOWN , DOWN , DOWN , OH , LET ME KEEP IT DOWN , PIANISSIMO . DAMP DOWN , DAMP DOWN . $ DOWN . $ < ( VOICE RISES DESPITE HIMSELF . ) > $ I 'M A SOFT GRUB UNUNDUUULATING . $ THEY 'LL RIP ME OPEN . $ < ( TREMBLING . ) > $ NAIL MY BRAIN TO MY SKULL . $ STROM , STROM , GRUNK . GROK , CRUNK . $ FUG . $ THAT MEANS YOU . $ FUG . $ FUG . $ FUG . $ SILENCE WHEN YOU SPEAK S-I-L-E-N-C-E . $ STEADY THE BUFFS , WAITER , I SAY , WAITER , THERE 'S A MOUS TACHE IN MY SOUP . $ < ( VIOLENTLY . ) > $ KERR-UN-CRRRR . $ KORKSHIST - KORKSHIST - KUK-KUK-KUK-KUK-KUK-KUK ... $ < UNABLE TO STOP HE TAKES OUT TWO STRIPS OF STICKY-TAPE AND STICKS THEM ACROSS HIS MOUTH . $ NOW HE CAN'T SPEAK AND HIS SAVAGE STRUGGLE TO CONTROL HIMSEL F CAN ONLY BE EXPRESSED IN ABRUPT BODY MOVEMENTS . $ HE STARTS LEAPING , SPREADING OUT HIS CAPE ; HIGHER AND HIGH ER , TILL A LAST CLIMACTIC LEAP , AND HE LANDS , CROUCHING I N A BALL , DOWN STAGE CENTRE . $ DIM LIGHTS UP STAGE CENTRE , TO SHOW A DARK SHADOWY FIGURE W AITING IN THE DRAWING-ROOM BEHIND HIM : IT IS THE MASTER IN LUNACY . > $ #81 $ < SCENE THREE > $ < LIGHTS UP ON THE MASTER , KELSO TRUSCOTT , Q.C. , IN THE D RAWING-ROOM , WHICH NOW CONTAINS MORE VICTORIAN BRIC-A-BRAC : STUFFED PHEASANTS , WAX FRUIT UNDER GLASS , AND A RED-PLUS H SOFA . $ THE EARL STRAIGHTENS UP RESOLUTELY AND IS JOINED BY TUCKER . $ THE EARL HANDS HIM HIS HAT AND CAPE AND TUCKER GIVES HIM ' T HE TIMES ' NEWSPAPER IN RETURN . $ THE EARL PUTS IT UNDER HIS ARM AND STICKS A BRIAR PIPE FIRML Y IN HIS MOUTH . $ TURNING SHARPLY ON HIS HEELS , HE SQUARES HIS SHOULDERS AND MARCHES PURPOSEFULLY UP STAGE TO JOIN TRUSCOTT , A BIG HARD- FACED MAN WHO IS LOOKING THROUGH SOME DOCUMENTS . > $ 16 WHERE DID YOU SPRING FROM ? $ 09 YOU MUST BE TRUSCOTT , THE LUNATIC FELLA . $ 16 < ( FROWNING ) > $ I 'M THE MASTER OF THE COURT OF PROTECTION . $ THE TITLE ' MASTER IN LUNACY ' ISN'T USED NOWADAYS . $ < IT IS OBVIOUS TRUSCOTT IS SCRUTINIZING THE EARL CLOSELY . > $ 09 HOW ABOUT A SNIFTER ? $ NO ? $ ALL RIGHT THEN , TUCK . $ 03 VERY GOOD , SIR . $ WATCH YOURSELF NOW . $ HE LOOKS A FISH-EYED , LIGHT-FINGERED GENT TO ME . $ < ( GLARING AT TRUSCOTT . ) > $ I KNOW THE PRICE OF EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM . $ SO IF THERE 'S ANYTHING MISSING WE SHALL KNOW WHERE TO LOOK . $ < HE EXITS UP STAGE CENTRE . $ TRUSCOTT STARES AFTER HIM . > $ 09 SPLENDID FELLA . $ VERY LOYAL . $ 16 HMMM . $ YOU KNOW WHY I 'M HERE ? $ 09 I 'D BETTER INTRODUCE MYSELF FIRST . $ JACK GURNEY . $ < ( WITH SLIGHTEST EMPHASIS . ) > $ THE EARL OF GURNEY . $ I BELIEVE CHARLES CONSIDERS ME INCAPABLE AND YOU 'RE HERE TO COMMIT ME OFFICIALLY . $ 16 NOT EXACTLY , MY LORD . $ I MAKE A RECOMMENDATION TO A NOMINATED JUDGE AND HE DOES THE ACTUAL COMMITTING . $ #82 $ MY MAIN CONCERN IS PROPERTY AND ITS PROPER ADMINSTRATION . $ THIS INVESTIGATION , HOWEVER , IS RATHER INFORMAL . $ A FAVOUR TO CHARLES . $ < ( TAKES OUT SILVER SNUFF BOX . ) > $ YOURS IS A CONFUSING CASE . $ < ( TAPS THE SNUFF BOX THREE TIMES AND TAKES SNUFF . ) > $ TWO DOCTORS RECOMMEND YOU TO BE PUT UNDER CARE , BUT DR HERD ER SAYS YOU 'RE NEARLY BACK TO NORMAL . $ OF COURSE , HE IS A FOREIGNER AND HIS IDEA OF NORMAL MAY NOT BE MINE . $ < DESPITE HIMSELF THE EARL'S HAND TREMBLES , AS HE FILLS HIS PIPE . $ TRUSCOTT WATCHES CLOSELY . > $ 09 HOW DO YOU FIND OUT ? $ 16 YOU TALK . $ I LISTEN . $ 09 < ( SITS ON SOFA ) > $ AH , YES , TALK . $ JUDAS TALK T-T-T-T-TALK ... $ < ( TAILS OFF MISERABLY . ) > $ 16 < ( GLANCES AT FILE ) > $ DO YOU STILL BELIEVE YOU 'RE CHRIST , MY LORD ? $ < ( NO REPLY . ) > $ ARE YOU GOD ? $ < ( NO REPLY . ) > $ COME , SIR , ARE YOU THE GOD OF LOVE ? $ < THE EARL STARES INTO SPACE , DEEP IN THOUGHT , THEN SLOWLY RISES AND POINTS AT HIM . > $ 09 HARROW MAY BE MORE CLEVER . $ 16 < ( INCREDULOUSLY ) > $ WHAT ! ? $ 09 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' RUGBY MAY MAKE MORE ROW . $ BUT WE 'LL ROW , ROW FOR EVER . $ STEADY FROM STROKE TO BOW . $ AND NOTHING IN LIFE SHALL SEVER THE CHAIN THAT IS ROUND US N OW ... ' $ < TRUSCOTT CROSSES GRIMLY TO THE EARL , STARES AT HIM , AND THEN , WITHOUT WARNING JOINS IN , IN A BARBER-SHOP DUET . > $ 16 09 ' OTHERS WILL FILL OUR PLACES , DRESSED IN THE OLD LIG HT BLUE . $ WE 'LL RECOLLECT OUR RACES . $ WE 'LL TO THE FLAG BE TRUE . ' $ < ( THEY MIME ROWING . ) > $ ' BUT WE 'LL STILL SWING TOGETHER . $ AND SWEAR BY THE BEST OF SCHOOLS . $ BUT WE 'LL STILL SWING TOGETHER AND SWEAR BY THE BEST OF SCH OOLS ! ' $ 09 I DIDN'T REALIZE - YOU 'RE KELSO TRUSCOTT . $ THE KELSO TRUSCOTT WHO SCORED THAT DOUBLE CENTURY AT LORDS . $ 16 < ( MODESTLY ) > $ A LONG TIME AGO . $ #83 $ 09 OF COURSE , I WAS PRETTY LOW DOWN THE SCHOOL WHEN YOU WER E IN YOUR GLORY , TRUSCOTT . $ THEY SAID WHEN YOU GOT BACK AFTER THE LORDS MATCH DRESSED IN A KILT , YOU DEBAGGED THE CHAPLAIN AND HIT THE LOCAL CONSTA BLE OVER THE HEAD WITH AN EBONY SHELALEE . $ 16 < ( CHUCKLING ) > $ AH , SCHOOLDAYS , SCHOOLDAYS . $ IT 'S ALL AHEAD OF YOU THEN ... $ YOU REALIZE , YOUR LORDSHIP , THE FACT THAT WE 'RE BOTH OLD ETONIANS CAN HAVE NO POSSIBLE INFLUENCE ON MY RECOMMENDATION . $ < ( TAPS SNUFF BOX . ) > $ OF COURSE , I FIND IT EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE NOW . $ ETONIANS AREN'T EXACTLY NOTED FOR THEIR GREY MATTER , BUT I 'VE ALWAYS FOUND THEM PERFECTLY ADJUSTED TO SOCIETY . $ < ( SNIFFS . ) > $ NOW , ARE YOU THE GOD OF LOVE ? $ 09 < ( FIERCELY ) > $ HE NO LONGER EXISTS . $ I WAS WILD WITH TOO MUCH JUBILATING . $ I 'VE BEEN RAVING FOR SEVEN YEARS , TRUSCOTT . $ BUT EVERYONE 'S ENTITLED TO ONE MISTAKE . $ 16 SEVEN YEARS . $ THAT ACCOUNTS FOR YOUR NOT BEING AT ANY OF THE OLD BOYS' REU NION DINNERS . $ 09 < ( BITTERLY ) > $ I WENT AROUND SAYING THE LORD LOOOOOVES YOU LOOOOOVES . $ TCH . $ GRRK . $ < ( BITES HARD ON PIPE . ) > $ SORRY THERE , TRUSCOTT . $ IT 'S EMBARRASSING FOR A FELLA TO REMEMBER WHAT A SPECTACLE HE MADE OF HIMSELF . $ NATURALLY I GET TONGUE-TIED . $ BIT SHAME-FACED , DON'T Y' KNOW . $ 16 YOU SEEM RIGHT ENOUGH TO ME , BUT THESE THINGS ARE DECEPT IVE . $ IS THERE ANYTHING YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT , YOUR LORDSHIP ? $ 09 MY W-W-WASTED YEARS . $ I WOKE UP THE OTHER DAY AND I HAD GREY HAIRS . $ GREY HAIRS AND DUTY NEGLECTED . $ OUR COUNTRY 'S BEING DESTROYED BEFORE OUR E-E-EYES . $ YOU 'RE MOCKED IN THE STRAND IF YOU SPEAK OF PATRIOTISM AND THE OLD QUEEN . $ DISCIPLINE 'S GONE . $ THEY 'RE SAPPING THE FOUNDATIONS OF OUR SOCIETY WITH THEIR A DULTERY AND FORNICATION ! $ < TRUSCOTT CROSSES DOWN STAGE LEFT AND PULLS BELL-ROPE . > $ THE BARBARIANS ARE WAITING OUTSIDE WITH THEIR CHAOS , ANARCH Y , HOMOSEXUALITY AND WORSE ! $ #84 $ < SIR CHARLES , CLAIRE , GRACE AND DR HERDER HURRY IN UP STA GE CENTRE . > $ 13 WELL ? $ 16 < ( PUTTING PAPERS INTO THE BRIEFCASE ) > $ DR HERDER YOU SAID YOU THOUGHT HIS LORDSHIP WAS ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY . $ I CAN'T AGREE . $ 05 THERE . $ 16 YOU 'RE TOO CAUTIOUS . $ FOR MY MONEY HE 'S RECOVERED . $ < GRACE KISSES THE EARL IMPULSIVELY . > $ 13 WE 'RE GRATEFUL TO YOU , MR TRUSCOTT . $ 16 THANK YOU , YOUR LADYSHIP . $ < ( TO THE EARL . ) > $ WE 'LL EXPECT YOU AT THE NEXT REUNION DINNER , MY LORD . $ LADY CLAIRE , A PLEASURE . $ DR HERDER , CONGRATULATIONS . $ SPLENDID ACHIEVEMENT . $ < ( TO SIR CHARLES . ) > $ YOU 'RE LUCKY THIS WAS ONLY A FRIENDLY INVESTIGATION , OLD B OY . $ WE TAKE A DIM VIEW OF FRIVOLOUS COMPLAINTS . $ < HE EXITS . > $ 05 TRUSCOTT 'S A DAMN ASS . $ CAN'T HE SEE I 'M RIGHT ? $ 13 RIGHT ? $ I 'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR RIGHT . $ YOU 'VE STUCK YOUR ARISTOCRATIC SCHNOZZLE INTO MY AFFAIRS FO R THE LAST TIME . $ RIGHT ? $ JACK 'S CHANGED . $ RIGHT ? $ EVERYTHING 'S CHANGED - YOU , ME , US , THEM . $ IT 'S A NEW DEAL ALL ROUND . $ RIGHT ? $ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN . $ RIGHT ? $ RIGHT ! $ < SHE EXITS . > $ 05 DID WHAT I THOUGHT BEST . $ 10 THE BEST YOU CAN DO NOW IS TO LEAVE JACK ALONE . $ HE 'S MADE A SPECTACULAR BREAKTHROUGH . $ WE 'RE IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A NEW MAN . $ 07 I 'M ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR NEW MEN . $ < SIR CHARLES EXITS . > $ YOU DID IT , JACK . $ WONDERFUL . $ 10 LEAVE HIM , HE 'S BEEN UNDER A GREAT STRAIN . $ I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS READY FOR THAT BLOCKHEAD TRUSCOTT . $ 07 BLOCKHEAD OR NOT , HE BROUGHT IN THE RIGHT VERDICT . $ 10 I SUSPECT THE EARL'S BEHAVIOUR JUST HAPPENED TO COINCIDE WITH HIS IDEA OF SANITY . $ #85 $ YOUR NEPHEW NEEDS VERY DELICATE HANDLING AT THIS STAGE . $ AND IF POSSIBLE , A LITTLE LOVE . $ 07 THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO DIFFICULT . $ 10 YOU HELPED SIR CHARLES CRUCIFY HIM . $ 07 JACK 'S CHANGED . $ HE 'S STRONG NOW . $ 10 WHAT ABOUT US ? $ 07 WE 'RE TOO MUCH ALIKE . $ ICE ON ICE . $ I WANNA' FEEL ALIVE . $ 10 AND YOU THINK JACK 'LL PERFORM THAT MIRACLE ? $ 07 OH , RATS TO YOU . $ < LIGHTS DIM TO A SPOT ON THE EARL AS THEY EXIT . > $ #86 $ < SCENE FOUR > $ < THE EARL HUNCHES HIS RIGHT SHOULDER AND DRAGS HIS LEFT LEG . > $ 09 DEFORMED , UNFINISHED , SENT BEFORE ME TIME , THOSE EMINE NT DOCTORS OF DIVINITY , PROFESSORS MCKYLE AND HERDER CURED ME OF PARANOID DELUSIONS FANTASY OBSESSIONS OF LOVE , THAT ' S WHERE IT ENDED , A SOLVENTAL OF INNER AND OUTER TENSIONS . $ NO MORE INTER-STAGE FRICTION . $ SEE HOW I MARSHAL WORDS . $ THAT 'S THE SECRET OF BEING NORMAL . $ < ( HE PULLS THE WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH . ) > $ ' I ' - STRAIGHTEN UP THERE . $ ' AM ' - CLOSE UP , CLOSE UP WITH ' I ' YOU 'ORRIBLE LITTLE WORD . $ ' GOD ' ... I AM GOD . $ NOT THE GOD OF LOVE BUT GOD ALMIGHTHY . $ GOD THE LAW-GIVER , CHASTISER AND JUDGE . $ FOR I MASSACRED THE AMALEKITES AND THE SEVEN NATIONS OF CANA AN , I HACKED AGAG TO PIECES AND BLASTED THE BARREN FIG-TREE . $ I WILL TREAD THEM IN MINE ANGER AND TRAMPLE THEM IN MY FURY , AND THEIR BLOOD SHALL BE SPRINKLED UPON MY GARMENTS . $ FOR THE DAY OF VENGEANCE IS IN MY HEART ! $ HATS OFF FOR THE GOD OF JUSTICE , THE GOD OF LOVE IS DEAD . $ OH , YOU LUNAR JACKASS . $ SHE BETRAYED YOU . $ LUST MUSCLES TIGHTEN OVER PLEXUS . $ GUILTY , GUILTY , GUILTY . $ THE PUNISHMENT IS DEATH . $ I 'VE FINALLY BEEN PROCESSED INTO RIGHT-THINKING POWER . $ THEY MADE ME ADJUST TO MODERN TIMES . $ THIS IS 1888 ISN'T IT ? $ I KNEW I WAS JACK . $ HATS OFF . $ I SAID JACK . $ I 'M JACK , CUNNING JACK , QUIET JACK , JACK 'S MY NAME . $ < ( PRODUCES KNIFE , FLICKS IT OPEN . ) > $ JACK WHOSE SWORD NEVER SLEEPS . $ HATS OFF I 'M JACK , NOT THE GOOD SHEPHERD , NOT THE PRINCE OF PEACE . $ I 'M RED JACK , SPRINGHEELED JACK , SAUCY JACK , JACK FROM H ELL , TRADE-NAME JACK THE RIPPER ! ... $ MARY , ANNIE , ELIZABETH , CATHERINE , MARIE KELLY . $ < ( SINGS . ) > $ ' SIX LITTLE WHORES GLAD TO BE ALIVE , ONE SIDLES UP TO JACK , THEN THERE WERE FIVE . ' $ < HE EXITS WINGS LEFT , SLASHING THE AIR WITH HIS KNIFE . > $ #87 $ < SCENE FIVE > $ < LIGHTS UP TO SHOW GRACE AND DINSDALE TALKING IN THE DRAWIN G-ROOM , NOW COMPLETELY FURNISHED IN AUTHENTIC VICTORIAN STY LE . > $ 06 HOW COULD YOU HAVE ASKED 'EM ? $ WHAT ABOUT MY CAREER ? $ 13 POLITICS IS NO CAREER FOR A HEALTHY YOUNG CHAP . $ YOU SHOULD GO OUT TO WORK LIKE THE REST OF US . $ 06 BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME . $ 13 THAT 'S WHY I GOT 'EM TO COME AGAIN . $ WHEN THEY SEE HOW JACK 'S CHANGED THEY 'LL SPREAD THE WORD . $ EVERYBODY 'LL KNOW HE 'S BACK TO NORMAL . $ 06 I DON'T THINK HE IS . $ 13 YOU 'RE JUST SIDING WITH YOUR FATHER . $ HE WON'T ADMIT JACK 'S CURED BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SUIT HIM . $ 06 I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PERSUADED 'EM TO COME . $ 13 I 'M HER LADYSHIP . $ SIXTY MILES OUTSIDE LONDON AN AWFUL LOT OF CAP TUGGING AND F ORELOCK TOUCHING STILL GOES ON . $ YOU COULDN'T KEEP 'EM AWAY . $ < TUCKER ENTERS . > $ 03 MRS TREADWELL AND MRS PIGGOT-JONES , YOUR LADYSHIP . $ < TWO HEADS , TOPPED WITH ABSURD HATS , PEER ROUND THE DOOR . $ MRS TREADWELL AND MRS PIGGOT-JONES EDGE THEIR WAY APPREHENSI VELY INTO THE ROOM . $ THOUGH RELIEVED TO SEE THE CROSS HAS GONE THEY KEEP CLOSE TO GETHER FOR PROTECTION . $ 13 WELCOME , LADIES . $ YOU CAN SERVE TEA NOW , JEEVES . $ < TUCKER CROSSES TO THE TEA-TROLLEY . > $ 11 < ( NERVOUSLY ) > $ EVERYTHING 'S CHANGED . $ 13 YES HIS NIBS - JACK 'S JUST CRAZY ABOUT THIS VICTORIAN ST UFF . $ #88 $ 12 IT 'S VERY HARD-WEARING . $ 13 I HEAR THE ATMOSPHERE WAS A TRIFLE STRAINED ON YOUR LAST VISIT . $ 11 WELL , IT WAS OUR FIRST MEETING WITH HIS LORDSHIP . $ NEITHER MRS PIGGOT-JONES NOR MYSELF KNEW HIM PERSONALLY . $ THOUGH OF COURSE WE KNEW HIS FATHER . $ 13 I NEVER KNEW MINE . $ BUT MY MOTHER KNEW LLOYD GEORGE . $ 06 HE WASN'T HIMSELF , DON'T Y' KNOW . $ BIT UNSETTLED . $ DIDN'T HAVE A WIFE AND FAMILY THEN . $ 11 HOW IS THE RIGHT HONOURABLE LORD VINCENT , YOUR LADYSHIP ? $ 13 < ( LAUGHING ) > $ ' THE HONOURABLE LORD VINCE . ' $ OH , HE 'S FINE , JUST LIKE HIS DAD . $ < THE TWO WOMEN LOOK STARTLED . > $ < ( QUICKLY . ) > $ I KNOW JACK WANTS TO EXPLAIN ABOUT LAST TIME . $ < TUCKER SERVES TEA . > $ 11 < ( TENTATIVELY ) > $ HE ASKED ME IF I LOVED . $ YOUR MANSERVANT HEARD HIM . $ 03 < ( CUPPING RIGHT EAR ) > $ WHAT 'S THAT ? $ SPEAK UP , MISSUS . $ 11 WHY DID HE SAY GOD IS LOVE ? $ 09 BECAUSE HE WAS MAD . $ MAD WITH GRIEF . $ HIS FATHER HAD JUST DIED . $ < A SOMBRELY DRESSED EARL OF GURNEY ENTERS SMILING , WITH CL AIRE . $ HE IS QUIET , SELF-POSSESSED . $ CLAIRE SITS ON THE SOFA , FASCINATED . > $ 13 TALK OF THE DEVIL . $ DARLING , YOU REMEMBER MRS PIGGOT-JONES AND MRS TREADWELL ? $ 09 TUCKER , WHY ARE THOSE TABLE LEGS UNCOVERED ? $ STARK NAKED WOODEN LEGS IN MIXED COMPANY - IT 'S NOT DECENT . $ CURVED AND FLUTED , TOO . $ DON'T YOU AGREE , MRS TREADWELL ? $ 11 WELL , I DO THINK YOUNG GIRLS NOWADAYS SHOW TOO MUCH . $ AFTER ALL , THE MAIN PURPOSE OF LEGS ISN'T SEDUCTION . $ 09 COVER 'EM WITH CALICO OR COTTON , TUCKER . $ #89 $ 03 YES , SIR , NO , SIR , THREE BAGS FULL , SIR . $ I 'M A 104-YEAR-OLD CREEP AND I 'AVE TO DO EVERYTHING . $ < HE EXITS , MUMBLING . > $ 09 NOW LADIES , WHEN DID WE MEET ? $ 11 REMEMBER YOU ASKED ME IF I LOVED ? $ 09 PLEASE , NOT IN FRONT OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN . $ 12 I 'VE TOLD PAMELA NOT TO BROOD ABOUT IT . $ 09 LET 'S HAVE NO TALK OF BESTIAL ORGASMS , EROTIC TONGUEING S . $ IT BURNS SMALL HIGH-VOLTAGE HOLES IN THE BRAIN . $ IT 'S BEEN PROVED IN OSCILLOGRAPHS . $ 13 MY HUSBAND HATES ANYTHING SUGGESTIVE . $ 12 SO DO I . $ I FIND THE WHOLE SUBJECT DISTRESSING . $ I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE GOOD LORD CHOSE SUCH A DISGUSTING WAY OF REPRODUCING HUMAN-BEINGS . $ 09 ANYTHING MORE REFINED WOULD BE TOO GOOD FOR PRODUCING SUC H TWO-LEGGED , FRONT-FACING HAIRIES . $ 07 WHO DID YOU FINALLY GET AS GUEST SPEAKER FOR YOUR CHURCH FETE ? $ 11 SIR BARRINGTON-COCHRAN . $ THAT WAS JUST BEFORE HE BECAME ILL . $ 12 MADE A SPLENDID SPEECH , DIDN'T HE , PAMELA , ABOUT THE R ISE OF CRIME AND SOCIALISM . $ 06 I INTEND TO CAMPAIGN ACTIVELY , FOR THE REINTRODUCTION OF THE DEATH PENALTY . $ 09 < ( TREMBLING ) > $ YOU MEAN THERE 'S NO DEATH PENALTY IN ENGLAND'S GREEN AND PL EASANT ? $ 11 SURELY YOU KNEW , YOUR LORDSHIP ? $ 13 WE 'RE A BIT OUT OF TOUCH . $ MY HUSBAND ONLY READS PUNCH . $ 09 IS NOTHING SACRED ? $ WHY , THE HANGMAN HOLDS SOCIETY TOGETHER . $ HE IS THE SYMBOL OF THE GREAT CHASTISER . $ HE BUILT THIS WORLD ON PUNISHMENT AND FEAR . $ < MRS TREADWELL AND MRS PIGGOT-JONES NOD VIGOROUSLY . > $ SNUFF OUT FEAR AND SEE WHAT DISCORDS FOLLOW . $ SONS STRIKE THEIR DODDERING DADS , YOUNG GIRLS SHOW THEIR BO SOMS AND ANKLES AND SAY RUDE THINGS ABOUT THE QUEEN . $ #90 $ ANYTHING GOES AND THEY DO IT OPENLY IN THE STREETS AND FRIGH TEN THE HORSES . $ 12 IT 'S THE TIMES WE LIVE IN . $ BUT WHAT CAN ONE DO ? $ 09 BRING BACK FEAR . $ IN THE OLD DAYS THE EXECUTIONER KEPT THE FORELOCK-TOUCHING R ANKS IN ORDER . $ WHEN HE STOOD ON THE GALLOWS , STRIPPED TO THE WAIST , TIGHT BREECHES , BLACK HOOD , YOU KNEW GOD WAS IN HIS HEAVEN , AL L 'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD . $ THE PUNISHMENT FOR BLASPHEMING WAS TO BE BROKEN ON THE WHEEL . $ FIRST THE FIBULA . $ < ( MIMES BRINGING DOWN AN IRON BAR . ) > $ CR-A-A-CK . $ THEN THE TIBIA , PATELLA AND FEMUR . $ CRACK , CRACK , CRACK . $ THE CORPUS , ULNA AND RADIUS , CRACK . $ ' DISCONNECT DEM BONES , DEM DRY BONES , DISCONNECT DEM BONE S DEM DRY BONES . $ NOW HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD . ' $ < IRRESISTIBLY THE TWO WOMEN JOIN IN . > $ 09 12 11 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' WHEN YOUR HEAD BONE 'S CONNECTED FROM YOUR NECK BONE , YOU R NECK BONE 'S CONNECTED FROM YOUR SHOULDER BONE , YOUR SHOU LDER BONE 'S CONNECTED FROM YOUR BACKBONE . $ NOW HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD . $ DEM BONES DEM BONES DEM DRY BONES . $ NOW HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD ... ' $ 09 WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER PERFECTLY . $ BUT THAT 'S ONLY TO BE EXPECTED . $ BREEDING SPEAKS TO BREEDING . $ 12 < ( FLUSHING WITH PLEASURE ) > $ HOW SPLENDID , YOUR LORDSHIP . $ 11 I 'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED I 'M DESCENDED FROM THE KINGS OF MU NSTER , EVEN THOUGH MY FAMILY ORIGINALLY CAME FROM WIMBLEDON . $ 12 FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING SO , MY LORD , BUT THIS IS SO DIFFE RENT FROM OUR LAST VISIT . $ SUCH AN UNFORTUNATE MISUNDERSTANDING . $ 09 DON'T GIVE IT ANOTHER THOUGHT , MADAM . $ I DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST YOU . $ I 'M SURE I FORGOT IT THE MOMENT YOU LEFT . $ < ( CROSSES TO DESK . ) > $ NOW FORGIVE ME , I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO . $ #91 $ < TO GRACE . ) > $ MY DEAR , WHY DON'T YOU SHOW OUR GUESTS ROUND THE ESTATE ? $ 13 FINE . $ GIVE US A HAND , DINSDALE . $ 09 DON'T FORGET TO SHOW THESE GOOD LADIES MY CORONATION ROBE S , THE MANTLE OF CRIMSON VELVET LINED WITH WHITE TAFFETA , EDGED WITH MINIVER . $ GOOD DAY , LADIES . $ YOU MAY WITHDRAW . $ < HE DISMISSES THEM WITH A REGAL WAVE OF HIS HAND . $ MRS PIGGOT-JONES AND MRS TREADWELL FIND THEMSELVES CURTSEYIN G . $ THE EARL TURNS AWAY AND PICKS UP SOME LETTERS FROM HIS DESK . > $ 12 < ( LOW ) > $ HE 'S SO IMPRESSIVE , YOUR LADYSHIP , SUCH NATURAL DIGNITY . $ 13 HE 'S STILL A BIT ECCENTRIC . $ 12 RUNS IN THE FAMILY . $ BUT IT 'S ONLY ON THE SURFACE . $ DEEP DOWN ONE KNOWS HE 'S SOUND . $ < THEY STOP IN THE DOORWAY AND LOOK BACK AT THE EARL CALMLY SLITTING OPEN A LETTER WITH A PAPER-KNIFE . > $ 11 HE 'S SO LIKE HIS FATHER . $ HE GETS MORE LIKE HIM EVERY DAY , IT 'S FRIGHTENING . $ < AS THEY EXIT DINSDALE TURNS , GIVES A DELIGHTED THUMBS-UP SIGN AND HURRIES AFTER THEM . > $ 13 CLAIRE ... $ 07 I 'LL STAY AND KEEP JACK COMPANY . $ 13 YOU SEEM TO BE DOING A LOT OF CAMPANY KEEPING LATELY . $ DON'T PUT YOURSELF TO SO MUCH TROUBLE . $ 07 NO TROUBLE . $ IT 'S A PLEASURE . $ 13 WE 'RE GOING TO MISS YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE . $ < SHE EXITS . $ CLAIRE WATCHES THE EARL DEFTLY SLITTING OPEN ENVELOPES ONE A FTER THE OTHER . > $ #92 $ < SCENE SIX > $ < THE EARL PUTS DOWN THE PAPER-KNIFE AND SMILES . $ THROUGHOUT THE SCENE THE LIGHTS IMPERCEPTIBLY FADE DOWN AS D USK FALLS . > $ 07 GOOD . $ THAT LEAVES THE TWO OF US . $ 09 I 'M STILL NOT WORD PERFECT . $ THAT TALK OF BESTIAL ORGASMS , EROTIC TONGUEINGS - WAS VERY UNFORTUNATE . $ 07 THEY DIDN'T MIND MUCH WHAT YOU SAID . $ YOUR MANNER WON 'EM OVER . $ JUST THE RIGHT BLEND OF GOD-GIVEN ARROGANCE AND CONDESCENSIO N . $ 09 I STAND OUTSIDE MYSELF WATCHING MYSELF WATCHING MYSELF . $ < ( PULLS UP THE CORNERS OF HIS MOUTH . ) > $ I SMILE , I SMILE , I SMILE . $ 07 I LIKE YOUR SMILE . $ BEFORE I WAS ONLY SORRY FOR YOU . $ 09 AH , BEFORE , MADAM . $ BEFORE I WAS A MASS OF LIGHT . $ MAD , YOU SEE . $ NOTHING WAS FAST ENOUGH TO MATCH MY INNER SPEED . $ NOW I 'M SANE . $ THE WORLD SWEATS INTO MY BRAIN , MADAM . $ 07 DON'T KEEP CALLING ME MADAM . $ 09 IT 'S HARD TO LOOK AT PEOPLE FROM DOWN-WIND . $ THEY SMELL , THEY STINK , THEY STENCH OF STALE GREENS , WET NAPPIES . $ IT 'S TERRIBLE BUT IT 'S THE REAL THING . $ 07 I 'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FIND THE REAL THING . $ DO YOU REMEMBER OUR FIRST TALK TOGETHER AFTER YOU CAME BACK ? $ 09 I REMEMBER NOTHING . $ 07 EXPLODE , ONLY FEEL , YOU SAID . $ POOR JACK . $ YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW IMPOSSIBLE IT WAS FOR OUR SORT TO FEEL . $ 09 WHY DO YOU REMEMBER NOW WHAT I SAID THEN , WHEN I CAN'T R EMEMBER MYSELF ? $ 07 BECAUSE YOU 'RE SO DIFFERENT . $ I KEEP THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED AT MY LAST TER M AT ROEDEAN . $ THERE 'D BEEN REPORTS OF A PROWLER IN THE GROUNDS , PROBABLY A PEEPING TOM . $ #93 $ SOMETHING WOKE ME ABOUT 2 A.M. AND I WENT TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKED OUT . $ THERE WAS A SHADOW IN THE SHADOWS . $ SOMEBODY WAS WATCHING ME . $ IT WAS A HOT NIGHT BUT I STARTED SHIVERING AND SHAKING . $ IT WAS MARVELLOUS . $ 09 YEA , I SAY UNTO YOU , FEAR HIM . $ I 'M NO SHADOW . $ I 'M FLESH AND BLOOD . $ TOUCH . $ 07 < ( TOUCHING HIS CHEEK ) > $ PERHAPS I 'M NOT REALLY DEAD , ONLY SLEEPING . $ WAKE ME WITH A KISS . $ 09 < ( TAKES HER HAND AWAY ) > $ REMEMBER OUR COMMON CONSANGUINITY . $ 07 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS . $ I 'M MARRIED TO YOUR FATHER 'S HALF-BROTHER FOR MY SINS . $ THAT MAKES US PRACTICALLY STRANGERS , BLOODWISE . $ < HE ATTEMPTS TO MOVE AWAY . $ SHE STEPS IN FRONT OF HIM . > $ 09 < ( SMILING ) > $ ARE YOU ACCOSTING ME ? $ 07 < ( PLAYING UP ) > $ THAT 'S RIGHT , DUCKS . $ 'OW 'S ABOUT IT ? $ < THEY COME CLOSE IN THE HALF-LIGHT . $ SHE KISSES HIM ON THE MOUTH . $ THE SET BEGINS TO CHANGE TO A NINETEENTH-CENTURY SLUM STREET IN WHITECHAPEL . $ A GAUZE LOWERED UP STAGE , SHOWS A DARK HUDDLE OF FILTHY HOU SES , BROKEN DOORS , WINDOWS STUFFED WITH PAPER . $ BEYOND , AN IMPRESSION OF DARK ALLEYS , LOW ARCHES , ROW UPO N ROW OF LODGING HOUSES . $ IT IS DANK AND FOGGY . $ STAGE LEFT , A SINGLE FLICKERING STREET LAMP . $ STAGE RIGHT A FILTHY BRICK WALL WITH THE NAME OF THE STREET : ' BUCK'S ROW ' . $ DRUNKEN SINGING AND STREET CRIES CAN HE HEARD OFF : ' APPLE- A-POUND-PEARS , WHELKS , THEY 'RE LOVELY ' AND THE CLIP-CLOP OF A HORSE-DRAWN VAN OVER COBBLES . $ THE OVERALL EFFECT IS OF A FURNISHED ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONDON STREET . $ MOONLIGHT SHINES THROUGH THE FRENCH-WINDOWS AS THE EARL AND CLAIRE CROSS THE STREET TO THE SOFA . > $ WE 'LL BE ALONE HERE . $ THEY 'RE ALL OUT EXCEPT TUCKER AND HE 'S DRUNK . $ LISTEN ... $ < THEY LISTEN TO A DRUNK SINGING IN THE DISTANCE . > $ YOU DON'T SEEM SURPRISED THIS HAS HAPPENED TO US , JACK ? $ #94 $ 09 WE WERE DESTINED TO MEET . $ 07 THAT SOUNDS ROMANTIC . $ MORE PLEASE . $ 09 < ( LOW , PASSIONATE ) > $ SUUUUUCK . $ GRAHHH . $ SPINNKK . $ THE FLESH LUSTETH AGAINST THE SPIRIT , AGAINST GOD . $ LABIA , FORESKIN , TESTICLES , SCROTUM . $ 07 THAT 'S ROMANTIC ? $ 09 ORGASM , COITUS , COPULATION , FORNICATION . $ GANGRENED SHOULDER OF SEX . $ IF IT OFFENDS . $ < ( SOFTLY INTO HER EAR . ) > $ TEAR . $ TEAR . $ SPILL THE SEED , GUT-SLIME . $ 07 I KNOW SOME WOMEN LIKE BEING STIMULATED WITH DIRTY WORDS , FILTHY TALK . $ I DON'T . $ < SHE STARTS TAKING OFF HIS JACKET , WAISTCOAT AND SHIRT . > $ 09 YOU WANT MAGGOTS CRAWLING THROUGH BLACK GRASS . $ 07 I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME , EVEN IF IT ISN'T TRU E . $ 09 I 'VE SEEN THREE THOUSAND HOUSES COLLAPSE EXPOSING THEIR PRIVEES TO THE NAKED EYE . $ OH , RUN , MARY . $ RUN . $ 07 YOU 'RE TALKING NONSENSE AGAIN , JACK . $ 09 < ( SOFTLY ) > $ IF THY EYE OFFENDS THEE PLUCK IT OUT . $ YOU 'LL BE NICKED DOWN TO YOUR BLOODY MEMBRANE , MARY . $ 07 I WANT TO HEAR HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU THINK I AM . $ 09 YOU WANT TWO SECONDS OF DRIPPING SIN TO FERTILIZE SODOMIZ ED IDIOTS . $ 07 SAY SOMETHING SOFT AND TENDER . $ 09 < ( TENDERLY ) > $ YOU WANT GULLET AND RACK . $ GUGGED SHAARK . $ 07 TELL ME I 'M FAIRER THAN THE EVENING STAR . $ CLAD IN THE BEAUTY OF A THOUSAND NIGHTS . $ 09 < ( NOW STRIPPED TO THE WAIST , SHE CARESSES HIM ) > $ CUT-PRICE LUMPS OF FLESH : THREE AND SIX AN HOUR . $ CALVES PAUNCHES , TENDER TONGUE , EAR-LOBES , E-E-AR-LOBE-SS S , HEARTS , BLADDERS , TEATS , NIPPLLEZZZ . $ 07 < ( SHIVERING ) > $ LOVER . $ 09 THE SWORD OF THE LORD IS FILLED WITH BLOOD . $ #95 $ 07 < ( TREMBLING VIOLENTLY ) > $ STOP TALKING , JACK , AND MAKE ME IMMORTAL WITH A KISS . $ < PUTTING HIS LEFT ARM AROUND HER WAIST HE PULLS HER CLOSE , FORCING HER HEAD BACK WITH A KISS . $ TAKING OUT HIS KNIFE , HE FLICKS IT OPEN , AND PLUNGES IT IN TO HER STOMACH . $ BUCKING AND WRITHING WITH THE GREAT KNIFE THRUST , CLAIRE CA N ONLY LET OUT A MUFFLED CRY AS THE EARL'S MOUTH IS STILL CL AMPED OVER HERS IN A KISS . $ SHE WRITHES , TWISTS AND MOANS UNDER TWO MORE POWERFUL STABS . $ HE LETS HER GO . > $ AHHHRREEEE . $ I 'M ALIVE . $ ALIVE . $ < SHE FALLS AND DIES . $ THE EARL STANDS LISTENING FOR A SECOND , PUTS HIS KNIFE AWAY , PICKS UP HIS CLOTHES CROSSES STAGE RIGHT AND LEAVES SILEN TLY BY THE FRENCH-WINDOWS . $ EVEN AS HE DOES SO , THE SET BEGINS TO CHANGE BACK TO THE DR AWING-ROOM INTERIOR , THE GAUZE AND STREET LAMP ARE TAKEN UP AS THE NOISES OFF GROW LOUDER . $ SOMEONE IS HEARD YELLING : ' HELP ! $ POLICE ! ' $ SOUNDS OF MEN RUNNING . $ A POLICE WHISTLE BLOWS SHRILLY , FOLLOWED BY A JUMBLE OF PAN IC-STRICKEN CRIES . $ THESE MERGE INTO A NEWSBOY SHOUTING ' READ ALL ABOUT IT ' OR RIBLE MURDER . $ MURDER AND MUTILATION IN WHITE-CHAPEL . $ MANIAC CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM . $ MARY ANN NICHOLS FOUND MURDERED IN BUCK'S ROW . $ READ ALL ABOUT IT ! ' $ THE DRAWING-ROOM SET IS NOW COMPLETELY RESTORED . $ THE HYSTERICAL HUBBUB DIES DOWN TO A SOLITARY DRUNK SINGING INCOHERENTLY : ' COME INTO THE GARDEN MAUD ' . $ IT GROWS LOUDER AS HE COMES CLOSER . $ TUCKER ENTERS SWAYING AND SINGING . > $ 03 ' COME INTO THE SH' GARDEN MAUDY . ' $ DID YOU S' RING ? $ < ( BLINKS , SEES CLAIRE ON THE FLOOR . ) > $ S' LADY CLAIRE ... ARE YOU COMFORTABLE ? $ STONED , EH ? $ < ( STUMBLES OVER . ) > $ CAN I BE OF ... AEEEEHH . $ < HE GIVES A GREAT RASPING INTAKE OF BREATH AT THE SIGHT AND STANDS MUMBLING IN SHOCK . $ THEN HE SHAKES ALL OVER . $ BUT NOT FROM FEAR . > $ < ( GLEEFULLY . ) > $ ONE LESS ! $ ONE LESS ! $ PRAISE THE LORD . $ HALLELUJAH . $ < CONVULSED WITH GLEE HE CAPERS CREAKINGLY ROUND THE CORPSE IN A WIERD DANCE . $ HE FREEZES IN MID-GESTURE AS VOICES ARE HEARD OFF . $ SIR CHARLES , DINSDALE AND DR HERDER AND GRACE COME IN . > $ 05 NO LIGHTS , TUCKER ? $ < DINSDALE SWITCHES ON THE LIGHTS . > $ #96 $ 10 MY GOD ! $ < THEY RUSH OVER . $ GRACE PUTS HER HAND TO HER MOUTH IN HORROR . $ APPALLED , DR HERDER BENDS TO EXAMINE THE CORPSE WHILST SIR CHARLES STARES IN DISBELIEF , UNABLE TO FIND WORDS TO EXPRES S HIMSELF . $ FINALLY HE TURNS AND EXPLODES INDIGNANTLY AT THE AUDIENCE : > $ 05 ALL RIGHT , WHO 'S THE IMPUDENT CLOWN RESPONSIBLE FOR THI S ? $ < BLACKOUT . > $ #97 $ < SCENE SEVEN > $ < A GREAT CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS , AND A CHOIR SINGS THE ' DIES IRAE ' . $ AS THE LAST NOTE OF THE TERRIFYING HYMN DIES AWAY , LIGHTS U P ON THE DRAWING-ROOM TO SHOW DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BROCKETT , A MIDDLE-AGED MAN WITH TIRED FACE , FEELING HIS STOMACH , W HILST HIS ASSISTANT DETECTIVE SERGEANT FRASER , CHECKS THROU GH SOME NOTES . $ THE CARPET BY THE SOFA HAS BEEN PULLED BACK AND THERE IS A C ARDBOARD OUTLINE OF CLAIRE'S BODY ON THE FLOOR . > $ 19 < ( READS QUICKLY ) > $ ' FIVE-INCH GASH UNDER RIGHT EAR TO CENTRE OF THROAT SEVERIN G WINDPIPE . $ THREE STAB WOUNDS IN LOWER ABDOMEN . $ TWO KNIFE WOUNDS , ONE VEERING TO RIGHT SLITTING THE GROIN A ND PASSING OVER THE LOWER LEFT HIP , AND THE OTHER STRAIGHT UP ALONG THE CENTRE OF THE BODY TO THE BREAST-BONE . $ SEVERE BRUISING ROUND THE MOUTH . $ THE PATHOLOGIST THINKS THE MURDERER MUST HAVE HAD SOME MEDIC AL KNOWLEDGE . ' $ REMINDS ME OF THE DRAYHURST KILLING , SIR . $ 18 NOT REALLY . $ MARTHA DRAYHURST WAS FOUND ALL OVER THE PLACE . $ ARMS AND LEGS IN WOOLWICH , TRUNK IN EUSTON STATION , AND TH E REST OF HER TURNED UP IN PENGE . $ OLD SAM DRAYHURST HAD A QUIRKY SENSE OF HUMOUR FOR A BUTCHER . $ AT LEAST LADY CLAIRE WAS ALL IN ONE PIECE . $ < FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE . > $ THEY 'RE BACK . $ BISHOP LAMPTON 'LL BE WITH 'EM . $ HOW DO YOU ADDRESS A BISHOP ? $ 19 BISHOP , SIR . $ 18 BISHOP , BISHOP . $ < BISHOP LAMPTON ENTERS SUPPORTED BY SIR CHARLES AND DINSDAL E . $ THEY HAVE JUST COME FROM THE FUNERAL . > $ 04 THIS HOUSE IS DOOMED , CHARLES . $ I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ALLOWED MY POOR SISTER TO MARRY INTO THI S ACCURSED FAMILY . $ #98 $ IT 'S ANOTHER HOUSE OF USHER . $ < CAREFULLY AVOIDING THE OUTLINE ON THE FLOOR THEY HALF-CARR Y HIM DOWN STAGE LEFT AND DROP HIM INTO A CHAIR , GASPING . > $ 05 DON'T TALK RUBBISH , BERTIE . $ TERRIBLE BUSINESS , BUT WE MUSTN'T LOSE OUR HEADS . $ 06 HOW COULD ANYTHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN TO US ? $ WHAT WAS MOTHER THINKING OF ? $ 05 < ( URGENTLY ) > $ NOT IN FRONT OF STRANGERS , DINSDALE . $ BROCKETT , WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING THIS ANIMAL TO EARTH ? $ 18 DON'T YOU WORRY , SIR , WE 'LL GET HIM . $ BUT THERE 'S STILL A FEW POINTS I 'D LIKE TO CLEAR UP . $ WE KNOW THE BUTLER FOUND THE BODY JUST AFTER THE KILLER LEFT BY THE FRENCH-WINDOWS . $ WHEN YOU CAME IN A MOMENT LATER , WHEREABOUTS WAS HE STANDIN G ? $ 05 WHO , TUCKER ? $ < GRACE ENTERS . > $ 13 THE BABY 'S ASLEEP . $ WHAT ARE YOU LOT DOING ? $ 05 BROCKETT , THIS IS HER LADYSHIP . $ HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW WE FOUND TUCKER BESIDE CLAIRE'S BODY . $ 13 OH , HERE . $ < SHE STANDS BESIDE THE OUTLINE , PUTS HER LEFT FOOT OUT AND RAISES BOTH HER ARMS . > $ LIKE THE HOKEY-COKEY . $ 18 WHY WOULD HE BE DOING ANYTHING LIKE THE HOKEY-COKEY ? $ 06 HE WAS DRUNK AND HE HAD HIS TEETH OUT . $ 18 I 'D BETTER HAVE ANOTHER WORD WITH TUCKER . $ RUN A DOUBLE CHECK ON HIM , SERGEANT . $ 05 SENILE OLD FOOL SHOULD HAVE BEEN BOOTED OUT YEARS AGO . $ NOT THE ONLY ONE YOU SHOULD RE-CHECK . $ WHAT ABOUT MY NEPHEW ? $ 13 < ( DELIBERATELY ) > $ YOU 'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT , CHARLES , BUT I WARN YOU . $ 06 THAT 'S RATHER DISGRACEFUL , FATHER . $ #99 $ 04 UNCALLED FOR , JACK'S BEHAVED SPLENDIDLY . $ 05 I 'M NOT SAYING HE 'S INVOLVED BUT ... $ 13 BUT . $ I 'LL GIVE YOU BUT . $ 18 WE HAVE THE MEDICAL REPORTS ON HIS LORDSHIP . $ BUT IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD . $ 13 CHARLES ISN'T DOING THIS 'CAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO CLAIR E . $ HE 'S JEALOUS 'CAUSE I LOVE MY HUSBAND . $ CHARLES AND ME WERE LOVERS ! $ I WAS THIS RANDY OLD GOAT'S MISTRESS ! $ 04 < ( WAILING ) > $ AEEEH . $ CLEANSE YOUR HANDS , YOU SINNER . $ 05 MADAM , YOU 'LL NEVER BE A GURNEY . $ 13 I 'D RATHER BE DEAD . $ 06 < ( STRICKEN ) > $ MOTHER KNEW , SHE KNEW BEFORE SHE DIED . $ FATHER , I HAVE TO SAY THIS . $ YOU 'VE PROVED A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME . $ 05 IT 'S MUTUAL , SIR . $ 18 DOES HIS LORDSHIP KNOW ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP , LADY GRAC E ? $ 13 NO , AND HE 'S NOT GOING TO UNLESS SOMEBODY BLABS . $ < ( LOOKS ROUND AT BROCKETT . ) > $ ANYWAY , IT 'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS , COPPER ! $ 04 PRIVATE MATTERS , SIR . $ A GENTLEMAN WOULD HAVE LEFT ! $ < AS THE FAMILY ARE SUDDENLY CONSCIOUS AGAIN OF THE TWO POLI CEMEN AND START YELLING AT THEM , THE EARL ENTERS , A COMMAN DING FIGURE IN BLACK CARRYING A BLACK SILVER-TOP CANE . > $ 09 IS THIS THE WAY TO ACT IN THE PRESENCE OF DEATH ? $ < ( THEY STOP SHOUTING . ) > $ REMEMBER WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT HAPPENED HERE . $ < HE PAUSES BY THE OUTLINE ON THE FLOOR . $ EMBARRASSED , THE OTHERS CLEAR THEIR THROATS . > $ 04 FORGIVE THEM , THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO . $ 09 OH , DINSDALE , YOU SHOULD ANSWER THOSE MESSAGES OF CONDO LENCE . $ EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT . $ 05 NONSENSE . $ LET 'EM WAIT . $ #100 $ 06 < DEFIANTLY ) > $ YOU 'RE RIGHT , JACK . $ CREATE A GOOD IMPRESSION . $ IT 'LL TAKE MY MIND OFF THINGS . $ BEEN A BAD DAY FOR ME WHAT WITH ONE THING AND ANOTHER . $ < HE EXITS UP STAGE CENTRE . $ GRACE MOVES ROUND BESIDE THE EARL . > $ 18 MY LORD , THERE ARE STILL A FEW DETAILS I 'D LIKE TO CLEA R UP . $ ON THE NIGHT OF THE MURDER YOU TALKED WITH LADY CLAIRE TILL 11.30. $ HOW WAS SHE WHEN YOU LEFT HER ? $ 09 UNHAPPY . $ 18 WHY 'S THAT ? $ 13 < ( POINTEDLY ) > $ WHAT WITH ONE THING AND ANOTHER , SHE HAD PLENTY OF REASONS , DON'T YOU THINK . $ 05 DAMMIT , BROCKETT , WHAT THE DEVIL DOES IT MATTER HOW MY WIFE WAS FEELING . $ 18 < ( SIGHING ) > $ YOU WENT STRAIGHT UP TO BED AND HEARD NOTHING . $ 09 THOUGHT I HEARD TUCKER SINGING . $ 18 HMM , BUT HE SAID HE DIDN'T LEAVE THE KITCHEN TILL 12 . $ ODD . $ IMPORTANT QUESTION , MY LORD . $ THINK HARD NOW . $ HAS ANYTHING UNUSUAL HAPPENED HERE RECENTLY ; ANYTHING OUT O F THE ORDINARY ? $ < THE EARL THINKS , SHAKES HIS HEAD . > $ BISHOP ? $ YOUR LADYSHIP ? $ < THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS . > $ SIR CHALES ? $ < TUCKER IS HEARD SINGING OFF . $ BROCKETT TURNS SWIFTLY . > $ GET HIM , FRASER ! $ < FRASER RUSHES OUT UP STAGE CENTRE AND REAPPEARS DRAGGING T UCKER WHO IS DRESSED IN A STRIPED JACKET , BOW-TIE AND STRAW HAT ; HE CARRIES A BATTERED SUITCASE FESTOONED WITH FOREIGN LABELS . > $ 03 WHAT 'S THE IDEA ? $ I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH . $ 18 YOU GOING SOMEWHERE , TUCKER ? $ 03 MR TUCKER , FLATFOOT . $ LOOKS LIKE IT DON'T IT . $ IT 'S COCKLES AND CHAMPAGNE FOR YOURS TRULY , GAY PAREE WHER E ALL THE GIRLS SAY OUI OUI . $ #101 $ 13 BIT SUDDEN ISN'T IT ? $ 03 I 'M A CREATURE O' IMPULSE , YOUR LADYSHIP . $ < ( SINGING MELODIOUSLY AS HE SHUFFLES TO EXIT WITH SUITCASE . ) > $ ' GOODBYE , I WISH YOU ALL A LAST ... G-O-O-D-B-Y-E . ' $ < AS HE GESTURES FAREWELL FRASER PULLS HIM BACK INTO THE ROO M . > $ 18 YOU 'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE , TUCKER , ME LAD . $ I 'VE GOT QUESTIONS I WANT ANSWERING . $ 03 I TOLD YOU ALL I KNOW . $ 18 HAVE YOU ? $ ... DANIEL TUCKER ALIAS ALEXEI KRONSTADT COMMUNIST PARTY MEM BER NUMBER 243 ! $ 05 MURDERING SWINE ! $ < TUCKER GIVES A FRIGHTENED CRY AND RUSHES FOR THE EXIT UP S TAGE CENTRE , BUT THE EARL OF GURNEY BARS THE WAY . > $ 03 LET ME PASS , LET ME PASS ! $ < AS FRASER PULLS TUCKER BACK AMID EXCITED SHOUTS , DINSDALE HURRIES IN . > $ 06 WHAT 'S GOING ON ? $ 13 THEY SAY OLD JEEVES IS A BOLSHIE . $ 09 T-U-C-K-E-R . $ ARE YOU A LOW-LIFE LEVELLER ? $ AND EAST END AGITATOR ? $ 03 HOW CAN I BE AN AGITATOR . $ I 'VE GOT A WEAK CHEST . $ < ( SUDDENLY DEFIANT . > $ WHAT IF I AM ? $ YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT 'S LIKE BEING A SERVANT , PICKING UP THE DROPPINGS OF THESE TITLED TURDS . $ EVERYBODY HAS TO HAVE SECRETS . $ WHAT 'S IT TO YOU HOW I SPEND MY LEISURE TIME , FLATFOOT ? $ 18 YOU 'RE A SUSPECT IN A MURDER CASE . $ YOU CONCEALED CERTAIN FACTS ABOUT YOURSELF . $ WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING , TUCKER ? $ 03 < ( AGITATED ) > $ SUSPECT ? $ SUSPECT ? $ I DON'T DO ANYTHING . $ I JUST PAYS ME DUES TO THE PARTY AND THEY SEND ME PAMPHLETS , UNDER PLAIN COVERS . $ AND EVERY YEAR I GET A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM MR PALME DUTT . $ 18 < ( STICKS OUT LEG AND RAISES ARMS ) > $ WHY WERE YOU STANDING LIKE THIS BESIDE THE BODY ? $ EH ? $ EH ? $ YOU TOLD ME YOU DISCOVERED HER DEAD JUST BEFORE THE OTHERS C AME BACK . $ #102 $ BUT HIS LORDSHIP SWEARS HE HEARD YOU DOWN HERE IN THIS ROOM , A HALF-HOUR EARLIER . > $ 03 < ( FRIGHTENED ) > $ YOU GOT IT WRONG , MY LORD . $ I WASN'T HERE . $ THIS IS OL' TUCK , YOUR LORDSHIP . $ < ( JIGS UP AND DOWN . ) > $ ALL TALK , NO ACTION . $ < ( SOBBING . ) > $ I COULDN'T DO A CRIME EVEN IF I WANTED . $ NOT THE TYPE . $ < AS HE TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF TO WIPE HIS EYES , A HALF-D OZEN SILVER SPOONS FALL OUT OF HIS POCKET WITH A CLATTER . > $ 13 JEEVES ! $ 05 YOU BRAINWASHED THUG ! $ < BROCKETT PUTS THE SILVERWARE ON TO A CHAIR AND GESTURES IM PATIENTLY FOR TUCKER TO DISGORGE . > $ 03 HOPE THERE 'S NO MISUNDERSTANDING . $ JUST A FEW LITTLE KEEPSAKES . $ < ( BRINGS OUT A HANDFUL OF KNIVES AND FORKS FROM A BULGING POCKET . ) > $ MEMENTOES OF MY 107 HAPPY YEARS WITH THE GURNEY FAMILY . $ < ( PRODUCES COMPLETE SILVER CRUET SET . ) > $ I TOOK 'EM FOR THEIR SENTIMENTAL VALUE . $ THEY CALL ME MR SOFTEE . $ < ( PRODUCES JEWEL-ENCRUSTED SNUFF BOX . ) > $ A FEW WORTHLESS TRINKETS TO HELP KEEP THE MEMORY GREEN WHEN I 'M SWANNING ON THE COTE DE JOUR . $ < ( FINALLY ADDS GOLD BOWL FROM THE BACK OF HIS TROUSERS . ) > $ 18 YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING ? $ 03 NO , THAT 'S THE LOT . $ OH , GOODNESS ME ... $ < ( REMOVES HAT WITH FEIGNED SURPRISE AND TAKES OUT A SMALL SILVER DINNER-PLATE HIDDEN IN THE CROWN . ) > $ TELL YOU WHAT , YOUR LORDSHIP , I 'LL KEEP THESE INSTEAD OF THE TWO WEEKS MONEY YOU OWE ME IN LIEU OF NOTICE . $ 06 I SAY , LOOK HERE , INSPECTOR . $ < HE AND FRASER HAVE OPENED TUCKER'S SUITCASE . $ ALL THE OTHERS MOVE OVER EXCEPT THE EARL . $ 18 < ( BRINGING OUT BOOKS ) > $ LENIN'S ' COMPLETE REVOLUTIONARY ' . $ MAO TSE-TUNG'S ' SELECTED WRITINGS ' . $ 19 < ( DISCOVERING PILE OF PHOTOGRAPHS ) > $ LOOK AT THESE , SIR . $ 18 < ( LOOKS AT THEM SLOWLY ) > $ DIS-GUS-TING ... $ < SHOCKED GASP FROM SIR CHARLES AND DINSDALE AS THEY GLANCE OVER HIS SHOULDER . $ #103 $ GRACE TAKES A PHOTOGRAPH AND TURNS IT ROUND AND ROUND . > $ 13 HOW THE DEVIL DID SHE GET INTO THAT POSITION . $ 18 WE 'LL KEEP THIS AS EVIDENCE . $ < TUCKER STAGGERS OVER TO THE EARL WHO STANDS DARK , IMPLACA BLE . > $ 03 YOUR LORDSHIP , SAY SOMETHING FER ME . $ YOU 'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP . $ YOU ALWAYS WAS MY FAVOURITE , MASTER JACK . $ YOU ALWAYS WAS MY FAVOURITE . $ < ( SOBBING . ) > $ BEFORE HE DIED THE OLD EARL , S' BLESS HIM , SAID LOOK AFTER THAT FEEBLE-MINDED IDIOT MASTER JACK FER ME , TUCK . $ I COULD HAVE GONE BUT I STAYED . $ 09 IF THY HAND OFFENDS THEE , CUT IT OFF . $ TUCK , TUCK , YOU ROT THE AIR WITH YOUR SEXUAL FILTH . $ AND THERE 'S AN INNOCENT BABY UPSTAIRS . $ IT WAS YOU , SPAWNED OUT OF ENVY , HATE , REVENGE . $ YOU KILLED HER . $ OH , DAN , DAN , YOU DIRTY OLD MAN . $ < ( LIFTS TUCKER UP BODILY BY HIS ARMPITS AND DROPS HIM IN F RONT OF BROCKETT . ) > $ TAKE HIM AWAY , INSPECTOR . $ 18 DANIEL TUCKER , I MUST ASK YOU ... $ 03 < ( AT THE EARL ) > $ JUDAS JACK ISCARIOT ! $ YOU 'VE SOLD ME DOWN THE SEWER , HARD-HEARTED , STONY-HEARTE D , LIKE THE REST . $ AND I KNOWS S' WHY . $ YOU DID IT . $ YOU AND SIR CHARLES , STANDING THERE LIKE A PICKLED WALRUS . $ YOU GURNEYS DON'T DRAW THE LINE AT MURDER . $ < ( SUDDENLY EXPLODING WITH RAGE AND FEAR . ) > $ UPPER-CLASS EXCREMENT , YOU WANNA' DO ME DIRT 'CAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH . $ I KNOW ONE PERCENT OF THE POPULATION OWNS HALF THE PROPERTY IN ENGLAND . $ THAT VOMITY ' ONE PER CENT ' NEEDS KOSHER KILLING , HUNG UP SO THE BLUE BLOOD DRAINS OUT SLOW AND EASY . $ ARISTOCRATIC CARCASSES HUNG UP LIKE KOSHER BEEF DRIP-DRIP-DR IP . $ < FRASER GRABS HIM AS HE LURCHES FORWARD . $ THE EARL WHISPERS TO DINSDALE WHO HELPS FRASER PICK TUCKER U P . $ AS THEY CARRY HIM OUT , STIFF AND HORIZONTAL UP STAGE HE STA RTS BAWLING > $ 03 ' THEN COMRADES COME RALLY . $ AND THE LAST FIGHT LET US FACE . $ THE INTERNATIONAL ARMY , UNITES THE HUMAN RACE . ' $ < ( PASSING GRACE HE TIPS HIS HAT . ) > $ ' I 'M ONLY A STROLLING VAGABOND , SO GOOD NIGHT , PRETTY MA IDEN , GOOD NIGHT . ' $ #104 $ 13 WHAT AN EXIT . $ 18 SORRY YOU HEARD ALL THAT , YOUR LADYSHIP , BUT I HAD TO L ET HIM RAVE ON . $ THE MORE THEY TALK , THE MORE THEY CONVICT THEMSELVES . $ 13 AT LEAST , INSPECTOR , THIS DESTROYS ANY DOUBTS ANYONE MI GHT HAVE HAD ABOUT JACK . $ 18 OF COURSE , MY LADY . $ 05 GOOD WORK , INSPECTOR . $ LET ME SHOW YOU OUT . $ 18 < ( TO THE EARL ) > $ MY LORD , I 'D JUST LIKE TO SAY WHAT A PLEASURE IT 'S BEEN M EETING YOU . $ IT COULDN'T 'AVE BEEN EASY . $ BUT YOU REALIZED I WAS ONLY DOING MY JOB . $ YOU 'VE SHOWN ME WHAT ' NOBLESSE OBLIGE ' REALLY MEANS . $ < HE GIVES A SLIGHT BOW AND EXITS , WITH SIR CHARLES > $ 04 < ( LOOKING DOWN AT THE OUTLINE ) > $ SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AS TIRZAH , COMELY AS JERUSALEM , THE DARL ING OF HER MOTHER , FLAWLESS TO HER THAT LOVED HER . $ DEAD NOW . $ GONE , DOWN , DOWN , DOWN , DOWN . $ 09 UP , UP , UP , UP , SHE FLIES . $ HER SOUL FLIES UP . $ SURELY YOU BELIEVE SHE 'S GONE TO ANOTHER PLACE TO ENJOY EVE N GREATER PRIVILEGES THAN SHE HAD ON EARTH ? $ 04 I HAVE TO . $ I 'M A BISHOP . $ FORGIVE AN OLD MAN'S WAVERING . $ I REMEMBER HER FONDLY , SUCH A TERRIBLE DEATH . $ 09 LEAN ON ME . $ TRUST GOD'S JUDGMENT . $ 04 YOU MAKE AN OLD MAN ASHAMED . $ YOU 'VE BECOME A GREAT SOURCE OF STRENGTH TO ME , JACK . $ < ( GRASPS HIS ARM . ) > $ I WON'T FORGET WHAT YOU 'VE DONE , JACK . $ YOU WERE THE INSTRUMENT THAT RESTORED MY FAITH . $ I FEEL REBORN . $ I 'VE FOUND THE WAY . $ NOW LET ME WALK HUMBLY WITH MY GOD . $ < THE EARL WALKS WITH HIM UPSTAGE , THEN HANDS HIM TO GRACE AND THE TWO EXIT . > $ #105 $ < SCENE EIGHT > $ < THE EARL TAKES OUT A PAIR OF BINOCULARS FROM THE DESK AS C RIES ARE HEARD OFF . > $ 03 < ( HYSTERICAL ) > $ I DONE NOTHING ! $ I WANT JUSTICE ! $ 18 JUSTICE IS WHAT YOU 'RE GOING TO GET , TUCKER . $ IF HE GIVES YOU ANY TROUBLE , FRASER , BREAK HIS ARM . $ NOW , MARCH ! $ 03 I 'M ANOTHER DREYFUS CASE ! $ < THE EARL LEANS ON HIS CANE AND LOOKS OUT OF THE FRENCH-WIN DOWS THROUGH THE BINOCULARS . > $ 09 LEFT-RIGHT , LEFT-RIGHT , LEFT-RIGHT , LEFT-RIGHT , LEFT- RIGHT . $ < DR HERDER , TIRED AND SICK , ENTERS WITH THE AID OF A WALK ING STICK . $ HE STARES AT THE EARL , CROSSES , AND STOPS BESIDE CLAIRE'S OUTLINE ON THE FLOOR . > $ 10 MIR IST ES WINTERLICH IM LEIBE . $ SHE WAS CUT UP LIKE MEAT . $ 09 LEFT-RIGHT , LEFT-RIGHT , LEFT-RIGHT . $ 10 < ( LOOKS ACROSS AT EARL ) > $ IT 'S NOT POSSIBLE . $ I CURED YOU . $ YOU COULD NEVER TURN VIOLENT . $ IT 'S NOT IN YOUR ILLNESS . $ IF I 'D FAILED I 'D KNOW IT . $ YOU 'D RETREAT BACK INTO DELUSION . $ YOU HAVEN'T . $ YOU 'VE ACCEPTED THE WORLD ON ITS OWN TERMS . $ YOU BELIEVE MORE OR LESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE BELIEVE . $ 09 < ( TURNS , RAISING CANE IN SALUTE ) > $ EN GUARDE . $ YOUR JOB 'S DONE , HERR DOKTOR . $ I 'M ADJUSTED TO MY ENVIRONMENT . $ I BRUSH MY TEETH TWICE DAILY . $ AND SMILE . $ YOU TREPANNED ME , OPENED MY BRAIN , TELEPHONED THE TRUTH DI RECT INTO MY SKULL , AS IT WERE . $ 10 LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT . $ 09 THERE 'S ONLY ONE JUDGE HERE . $ < ( LOOKS AT HIM THROUGH THE WRONG END OF THE BINOCULARS . ) > $ #106 $ YOU 'VE SHRUNK TO A TEUTONIC MIDGET . $ 10 YOU CALL THAT BEING ADJUSTED ? $ 09 BEHAVIOUR WHICH WOULD BE CONSIDERED INSANITY IN A TRADESM AN IS LOOKED ON AS MILD ECCENTRICITY IN A LORD . $ I 'M ALLOWED A CERTAIN LAT-I-TUDE . $ < ( HE LUNGES AT DR HERDER . ) > $ 10 < ( INVOLUNTARILY PARRYING STROKE WITH HIS STICK ) > $ I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT CLAIRE . $ 09 AN IRREVERSIBLE REARRANGEMENT OF HER STRUCTURAL MOLECULES HAS TAKEN PLACE , DOCTOR . $ SHE 'S DEAD . $ ONE OF THE FACTS OF LIFE . $ 10 I KNOW THAT . $ 09 SHE LIES STINKING . $ ALGO MORTIS , RIGOR MORTIS , LIVOR MORTIS . $ SHE 'S TURNING TO SLIME , DOCTOR . $ SHE 'S PUSS , DOCTOR , STINKING PUSS , DOCTOR ! $ 10 I DON'T WISH TO KNOW THAT ! $ 09 THEN KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE . $ < ( LUNGES . ) > $ THESE ARE SCIENTIFIC FACTS . $ 10 < ( PARRYING ) > $ YOU KILLED HER . $ 09 A TOUCH . $ 10 YOU KILLED HEEEEEEEEER . $ < HE LEAPS AT THE EARL , FLAILING WILDLY WITH HIS STICK . > 09 < ( PARRYING THE STROKE ) > $ HA , A SWORDSMAN WORTHY OF ME STEEL . $ DIDN'T WE MEET AT HEIDELBERG ? $ 10 YOU KILLED HER ! $ 09 < ( DRIVING HIM BACK ) > $ YOU WERE FORNICATING LOVERS . $ SPERM DANCERS . $ 10 IT 'S A LIE . $ LADY CLAIRE MEANT NOTHING TO ME . $ 09 COCK-A-DOODLE-DO ! $ 10 < ( LASHES OUT ) > $ YOU KILLED HER . $ 09 < ( BEATING OFF THE ATTACK ) > $ I 'M CURED , HERR DOKTOR , M.D. , PH.D. $ YOU CURED ME . $ I WAS A PALE LOVESICK STRAW-IN-THE-AIR MOON-LOONEY . $ YOU CHANGED ME INTO A MURDERER , IS THAT WHAT YOU 'RE SAYING ? $ #107 $ 10 < ( ATTACKING WILDLY ) > $ YES . $ NO . $ YES . $ MAY GOD FORGIVE ME . $ 09 NEVER . $ WHAT PROOF HAVE YOU ? $ 10 I DON'T NEED PROOF , I KNOW . $ 09 < ( PARRYING WITH CONTEMPTUOUS EASE ) > $ PHYSICIAN HEAL THYSELF . $ DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS ? $ YOU SUDDENLY KNOW AGAINST ALL THE EVIDENCE . $ YOU DON'T NEED PROOF FROM ANYBODY OR ANYTHING . $ THIS MONSTROUS BELIEF OF YOURS THAT I 'M GUILTY IS A CLEAR C ASE OF PARANOIA . $ I 'VE HEARD OF ' TRANSFERENCE ' , DOCTOR , BUT THIS IS RIDIC ULOUS ! $ ... IF THEY ASK ABOUT ME AT THE TRIAL , TELL THEM THE TRUTH . $ 10 WHAT TRUTH ? $ 09 THAT I 'M A HUNDRED PER CENT NORMAL . $ < ( HE LUNGES AND HITS DR HERDER , WHO SITS WITH A BUMP . ) > $ TOUCHE , HERR DOKTOR . $ < CLICKING HIS HEELS , HE SALUTES WITH HIS CANE AND CROSSES UP STAGE RIGHT . $ DR HERDER REMAINS ON THE FLOOR . $ THE LIGHTS DIM SLIGHTLY AS HE PUNCHES THE GROUND IN FRUSTRAT ION . > $ 10 HE 'S RIGHT . $ HE IS NORMAL . $ IT 'S ONLY A FEELING . $ < ( SHUDDERS . ) > $ I CAN'T RELY ON FEELINGS . $ EVERYTHING HE 'S DONE CONFIRMS TO A CLASSIC RECOVERY PATTERN . $ HIS OCCASIONAL PARALALIA IS NORMAL . $ EVEN HIS TRYING TO BLACKMAIL ME INTO SAYING HE 'S COMPLETELY NORMAL , IS NORMAL . $ NATURAL I SHOULD HAVE DOUBTS . $ THIS IS PIONEER WORK . $ CLAIRE'S DEATH , ONE OF THOSE TERRIBLE IRONIES - NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CASE . $ UNPLEASANT AS HE IS , THE GOOD LORD 'S HIMSELF AGAIN ... $ MY HEAD 'S SPLITTING . $ I 'VE HAD AN ABDOMEN FULL OF THE UPPER CLASSES . $ CLAIRE , CLAIRE , I SHOULD HAVE SPECIALIZED IN HEART DISEASE S . $ < ( SUDDENLY TREMBLING WITH RAGE . ) > $ COCK-A-DOODLE-DO . $ SCHEISSHUND ! $ HE MADE ME DENY YOU . $ < ( HE PICKS UP AND CLASPS CARDBOARD OUTLINE TENDERLY . ) > $ COCK-A-DOODLE-DO . $ COCK-A-DOODLE-DO . $ COCK-A-DOODLE-DO . $ < HE EXITS CROWING WITH THE CARDBOARD OUTLINE . > $ #108 $ < SCENE NINE > $ < SIR CHARLES AND GRACE ENTER UP STAGE CENTRE . > $ 05 THERE . $ IT 'S WHAT I 'VE ALWAYS SAID . $ YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GIVE THE WORKING-CLASS MONEY . $ 13 < ( TO THE EARL ) > $ IT MUST HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLE SHOCK FOR YOU , SWEET . $ SOMEONE LIKE JEEVES - SOMEONE YOU 'VE KNOWN ALL YOUR LIFE TU RNING OUT TO BE A KILLER . $ I WAS PROUD OF YOU . $ 05 YES , JACK , THIS TIME YOU BEHAVED LIKE A GURNEY SHOULD . $ 13 YOU MIGHT APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE STINKING THINGS YOU 'VE S AID ABOUT HIM . $ 05 JACK UNDERSTANDS . $ I DID WHAT I HAD TO . $ 09 I WON'T FORGET WHAT YOU DID , CHARLES . $ < ( ARM ROUND GRACE'S SHOULDER . ) > $ OR YOU , MY DEAR . $ 13 < ( EAGERLY ) > $ JACK , LET'S TAKE OFF . $$ IT 'S BEEN HELL HERE . $ WE NEED A HOLIDAY . $ 09 NO . $ HERE I STAND . $ NOW OUR LITTLE LOCAL DIFFICULTY HAS BEEN SOLVED I MUST SHOW MYSELF . $ IT 'LL BE THE PERFECT STORY-BOOK ENDING . $ < DINSDALE ENTERS CARRYING THE EARL'S PARLIAMENTARY ROBES . > $ I 'M TAKING MY SEAT IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS . $ 05 WHAT ... ? $ 13 < ( DISTURBED ) > $ WHAT , NOW ? $ SO SOON AFTER YOUR ILLNESS ? $ I MEAN , ARE YOU READY FOR THEM ? $ 09 ARE THEY READY FOR ME , MADAM ? $ 06 WE 'RE GOING TO WORK AS A TEAM ONCE I GET ELECTED . $ JACK IN THE LORDS , ME IN THE ' OTHER PLACE ' . $ WE THINK ALIKE ON LOTS OF THINGS . $ < DINSDALE HELPS THE EARL ON WITH HIS PARLIAMENTARY ROBES . > $ #109 $ 05 IT 'S ASKING FOR TROUBLE . $ WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU HAVE A RELAPSE ? $ FINE SPECTACLE YOU 'D MAKE , GIBBERING IN THE UPPER HOUSE . $ 13 YOU 'RE SO BLOODY TACTFUL , CHARLES . $ < ( HELPS DINSDALE . ) > $ IF JACK THINKS HE 'S READY , THEN HE 'S READY AND I 'M WITH HIM ALL THE WAY . $ 05 IT 'S OUT OF THE QUESTION . $ 09 WHO ASKED YOU A QUESTION , PRAY ? $ DID ANYBODY HERE ASK HIM A QUESTION ? $ < THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS . > $ NOBODY ASKED A QUESTION SO I 'LL ASK A QUESTION . $ WHO 'S THE LEGIT HEAD OF THE FAMILY GURNEY-CUM-GURNEY ? $ 05 YOU ARE , JACK , BUT ... $ 09 DON'T LET ME HEAR YOU ANSWERING UNASKED QUESTIONS AGAIN . $ 06 DON'T MAKE A COMPLETE ASS OF YOURSELF , FATHER . $ 13 FROM NOW ON JUST KEEP QUIET , CHARLES . $ 09 YOUR DAYS OF HARD MANIPULATING ARE OVER . $ YOUR BRAIN 'S SILTING , CHARLES ! $ 05 < ( STARTS TO GROW OLD , HIS LIMBS SHAKE SLIGHTLY ) > $ DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT ! $ AFTER ALL I 'VE DONE . $ < ( VOICE QUAVERS . ) > $ WHERE 'D YOU BE WITHOUT ME ? $ NO WIFE , NO GURNEY HEIR WITHOUT ME - ANSWER ME , SIR ! $ < ( PASSES HANDS OVER HAIR AND MOUSTACHE : THEY TURN WHITE . ) > $ I 'M GIVING YOU THE BENEFIT OF MY EXPERIENCE , YEARS OF ... $ < DINSDALE SNIGGERS . > $ 05 < ( PETULANTLY ) > $ WHAT ARE YOU SNIGGERING AT , YOU YOUNG PUP ? $ 06 I WASN'T SNIGGERING . $ 05 YOU WERE SNIGGERING TOO . $ I KNOW SNIGGERING WHEN I HEAR IT , I 'M NOT DEAF . $ YOU 'VE GOT NOTHING TO SNIGGER ABOUT . $ IT 'LL HAPPEN TO YOU ONE DAY . $ YOU 'LL BE STANDING THERE AND THEN SUDDENLY NOBODY 'S TAKING ANY NOTICE . $ YOU START COUGHING AND COUGHING . $ SKIN GOES DRY AND THE VEINS SHOW THROUGH . $ EVERYTHING TURNS WATERY . $ IT DRIBBLES AWAY , BOWELS , EYES , EARS , NOSE ... HMM . $ #110 $ THE HARD THING IS YOU 'RE STILL TWENTY-ONE INSIDE , BUT OUTS IDE YOUR FEET GO FLOP , FLOP, FLOP , FLOP , NOTHING YOU CAN DO , FLOP , FLOP , FLOP ... $ < THE EARL POINTS TO SIR CHARLES . $ DINSDALE NODS AND LEADS HIM FIRMLY UP STAGE . > $ 06 THAT 'S ENOUGH , FATHER . $ YOU 'VE HAD A LONG INNINGS . $ IT 'S BEDDY-BYES AND MILK-RUSKS FOR YOU NOW . $ 13 < ( CAREFULLY ADJUSTING THE EARL'S ROBE ) > : $ HE 'S GETTING TIRESOME , BUT I FEEL OBLIGATED . $ HE DID INTRODUCE US , HONEY . $ LUCKILY DINSDALE CAN HANDLE HIM . $ THAT BOY 'S COME ON . $ HE WORSHIPS YOU , YOU KNOW . $ 09 SPLENDID FELLA' , DINSDALE . $ 13 GUESS WE 'VE ALL CHANGED . $ YOU 'RE MORE THAN JUST CURED , JACK . $ PEOPLE LOOK UP TO YOU NOW . $ YOU 'VE GOT SOMETHING EXTRA . $ WHAT WE USED TO CALL STAR QUALITY ! $ 09 EK , EK , EK , EK . $ IT 'S GOING TO BE A TRIUMPHANT CLIMAX . $ 13 TALKING ABOUT CLIMAXES , WE MUST GET TOGETHER AGAIN . $ WE WERE MORE LOVING WHEN YOU WERE BATTY . $ < ( CLOSER TO HIM . ) > $ NOW IT SHOULD BE EVEN BETTER . $ DO YOU LOVE ME , JACK ? $ 09 Y' KNOW , IN ROMAN TIMES IT WAS ALWAYS THE WOMEN WHO TURN ED DOWN THEIR THUMBS WHEN DEFEATED GLADIATORS ASKED FOR MERC Y , ANNIE . $ 13 < ( LAUGHING ) > $ ANNIE ? $ WHY ANNIE ? $ 09 MARY , ANNIE , ELIZABETH , CATHERINE , MARIE KELLY - A NA ME BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL AS SWEET . $ 13 < ( ANXIOUSLY ) > : $ JACK , YOU 'RE NOT GOING OFF AGAIN ? $ 09 IT 'S NOTHING M' DEAR . $ DON'T FORGET I'VE A BIG DAY AHEAD OF ME . $ I'M SPEAKING IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS . $ 13 < ( RELIEVED ) > : $ OH , YOU 'VE GOT FIRST-NIGHT NERVES . $ DON'T WORRY , YOU 'LL KILL 'EM . $ 09 IN TIME . $ PERHAPS . $ 13 I KNOW IT . $ THEN YOU 'LL GET AROUND TO ME , I HOPE . $ PROMISE ? $ < THE EARL NODS , SMILING . > $ #111 $ JACK , JACK , YOU 'RE SO ATTRACTIVE WHEN YOU SMILE LIKE THAT . $ < ( KISSES HIM . ) > $ JACK , JACK ... $ 09 MUST GET MY GRUNCH THOUGHTS IN ORDER , MARSHAL MY FACTS , PREPARE MY ARGUMENT , PRO AND CONTRA . $ 13 YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY . $ AFTER ALL , YOU 'RE ONE OF 'EM , ONLY MORE SO . $ BE YOUR OWN SWEET SELF AND THEY 'LL ADORE YOU AS I ADORE YOU , JACK . $ < ( KISSING HIM AGAIN AND MOVING UP STAGE . ) > $ I JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS . $ < THE LIGHTS DIM . $ THE 'POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE MARCH ' IS FLAYED SOFTLY OVER . > $ #112 $ < SCENE TEN > $ < THE IMAGE OF THE EARL IN HIS PARLIAMENTARY ROBES DOWN STAG E CENTRE IS MENACING AS HE HUNCHES HIS SHOULDER AND DRAGS HI S LEG . > $ 09 < ( SOFTLY ) > $ TASH T'UR TSHH T'AIGH , S'SSSSH KKK ? $ FREEE 'EEE U ME ME ME EPEEEEEE ... TITA A-A-A GRAHHH SCRK KH RAHT ! $ < ( SOUNDS NOW COMING FROM BACK OF THROAT , RISING INTENSELY . ) > $ GRAK GRACK . $ GRAAA GRUUUUUUAAKK KA-KA-KA-KA-KA . $ YU . $ OOOO . $ YU . $ < ( ARM JERKS OUT CONVULSIVELY AT AUDIENCE , HIS LEG TWISTS UNDER HIM . ) > $ YU . $ SCREEE . $ FUUUUUTH , CRUUUKK-AA-K . $ < ( GRINDS HEEL INTO GROUND , FACE CONTORTED WITH RAGE . ) > $ HRRRUUUR TRUGHUUUK . $ < ( AS IF BRINGING UP PHLEGM , THE CRIES NOW COME FROM THE P IT OF THE STOMACH . ) > $ HA-CH-U-UR-UR . $ URRR . $ GOOOOOARCH . $ TROKK ! $ EK-K-Y . $ ARRI-BRA-K-YI-SKIIII , ARRK-AR-RK ARRARRK-K-K-K , YIT YIT TR UGHUUGH ARK KKKK A-A-A-A-A-A-KRUTK ! $ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ARRRRRR ! $ #113 $ < SCENE ELEVEN > $ < EVEN AS THE SCREAM DIES AWAY A BACKCLOTH WITH A BLOW-UP PH OTOGRAPH OF WESTMINSTER CAPTIONED ' HOUSE OF LORDS ' IS LOWE RED , STAGE CENTRE . $ ON EITHER SIDE OF IT MASSIVE PURPLE DRAPES . $ THE ' POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE MARCH ' IS LOUD NOW AS TWO TIERS OF MOULDERING DUMMIES DRESSED AS LORDS AND COVERED WITH COB WEBS ARE PUSHED ON EITHER SIDE , STAGE RIGHT AND LEFT . $ SMOTHERED IN AGE-OLD DUST , THREE GOITRED LORDS WITH BLOATED STOMACHS AND SKULL-LIKE FACES CRAWL ON STAGE GROANING , TO TAKE THEIR PLACES BESIDE THE DUMMIES AND THE EARL OF GURNEY . $ ONE OF THEM DRAGS A SKELETON BEHIND HIM . $ THE MUSIC STOPS AS THE FIRST LORD HAULS HIMSELF AS UPRIGHT A S HIS TWISTED BODY ALLOWS . > $ 20 < ( CROAKING ) > $ MY LORDS , I WISH TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE GRAVE DISQUIET FE LT THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY AT THE INCREASE IN IMMORALITY . $ 21 < ( WHEEZING ) > $ I MUST SUPPORT THE NOBLE LORD . $ FOR THIRTEEN YEARS THERE HAS BEEN NO FLOGGING , AND THERE HA S BEEN A STEADILY RISING VOLUME OF CRIME , LAWLESSNESS AND T HUGGERY . $ I BELIEVE THE CISSY TREATMENT OF YOUNG THUGS AND HOOLIGANS I S UTTERLY WRONG . $ 22 MY LORD , WE MUST STEP UP THE PENALTIES BY MAKING HANGING AND FLOGGING THE PUNISHMENTS FOR CERTAIN STATE CRIMES . $ IN ORDER TO PROTECT THE PUBLIC THE CRIMINAL MUST BE TREATED AS AN ANIMAL . $ < THE EARL OF GURNEY JERKS UP . $ ALL EYES ON HIM . $ DINSDALE AND SIR CHARLES HOBBLING ON TWO WALKING STICKS , EN TER WINGS LEFT . > $ 09 MY LORDS , I HAD DOUBTS ABOUT SPEAKING HERE BUT AFTER WHA T I 'VE HEARD , I REALIZE THIS IS WHERE I BELONG . $ MY LORDS , THESE ARE GRAVE TIMES , KILLING TIMES . $ #114 $ STARS COLLAPSE , UNIVERSES SHRINK DAILY , BUT THE NATURAL OR DER IS STILL CRIME - GUILT - PUNISHMENT . $ WITHOUT PAUSE . $ THERE IS NO LOVE WITHOUT FEAR . $ BY HIS HAND , SWORD , PIKE AND GRAPPLING-HOOK , GOD , THE CR OWBAR OF THE WORLD , FLAYS , STABS , BLUDGEONS , MUTILATES . $ JUST AS I WAS - IS - HAVE BEEN - FLAYED , BLUDGEONED ... $ < ( RECOVERING . ) > $ YOU 'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO PUNISH , MY NOBLE LORDS . $ THE STRONG MUST MANIPULATE THE WEAK . $ THAT 'S THE FIRST LAW OF THE UNIVERSE - WAS AND EVER SHALL B E WORLD WITHOUT END . $ THE WEAK WOULD HAND THIS PLANET BACK TO THE CRABS AND PRIMEV AL SLIME . $ THE HARD SURVIVE , THE SOFT QUICKLY TURN TO CORRUPTION . $ < ( SHUDDERING . ) > $ GOD THE SON WANTS NOTHING ONLY TO GIVE FREELY IN LOVE AND GE NTLENESS . $ IT 'S LOATHSOME , A FOUL PERVERSION OF LIFE ! $ AND MUST BE ROOTED OUT . $ GOD THE FATHER DEMANDS , ORDERS , CONTROLS , CRUSHES . $ WE MUST FOLLOW HIM , MY NOBLE LORDS . $ THIS IS A CALL TO GREATNESS ... $ ON , ON YOU NOBLEST ENGLISH . $ I SEE YOU STAND LIKE GREYHOUNDS IN THE SLIPS STRAINING UPON THE START . $ THE GAME 'S AFOOT FOLLOW YOUR SPIRIT ; AND UPON THIS CHARGE CRY , GOD FOR JACK , ENGLAND AND SAINT GEORGE . $ < A PAUSE , THEN ALL BURST INTO SPONTANEOUS SHOUTS OF ' HEAR -HEAR ' , ' BRAVO ' , AS THE EXCITED PEERS , WAVING ORDER-PA PERS , STUMBLE OVER TO CONGRATULATE THE EARL . > $ 06 BRAVO ! $ BRAVO ! $ YOU SEE , FATHER , YOU SEE . $ HE 'S CAPABLE OF ANYTHING ! $ 05 < ( WAVING STICK EXCITEDLY ) > $ HE 'S ONE OF US AT LAST ! $ < THEY ALL EXIT EXCEPT THE EARL , SINGING EXULTANTLY . > $ 25 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' LET US NOW PRAISE FAMOUS MEN AND OUR FATHERS THAT BEGAT US . $ SUCH AS DID THERE RULE IN THEIR KINGDOMS MEN RENOWNED FOR TH EIR POWER . ' $ #115 $ < EPILOGUE > $ < THE EARL IS ALONE AMONGST THE DUMMIES . $ THE CHORUS FADES DOWN WITH THE LIGHTS . $ GRACE ENTERS UP STAGE CENTRE SINGING , IN A BLACK NIGHT-DRES S . > $ 13 < ( SINGING ) > $ ' ALONG CAME JACK , NOT MY TYPE AT ALL ... $ YOU 'D MEET HIM ON THE STREET AND NEVER NOTICE HIM ... $ BUT HIS FORM AND FACE , HIS MANLY GRACE . $ MAKES ME - THRILL ... $ I LOVE HIM ... ' $ < HE STANDS SMILING AS SHE CIRCLES HIM SENSUALLY . > $ ' I LOVE HIM , BECAUSE HE 'S ... WOND-ER-FUL ... ' $ < SHE YIELDS AS HE PULLS HER CLOSE . > $ ' BECAUSE HE 'S JUST MY JACK . ' $ < FAINT STREET-CRIES ARE HEARD OVER AND THEY KISS PASSIONATE LY . $ AS THE EARL ENVELOPS HER IN HIS PARLIAMENTARY ROBES , HIS HA ND REACHES FOR HIS POCKET . $ THE LIGHTS FADE DOWN SLOWLY , THEN , OUT OF THE DARKNESS , A SINGLE SCREAM OF FEAR AND AGONY . > $ < CURTAIN > $